Today I am thankful for a therapist who understands:
Today I was told that I could possibly have PTSD.
I hired a Borderline Personality Disorder expert to be my personal therapist. Her doctoral dissertation was on the topic, she knows the ins and outs of the disorder.
She was inspired to get into psychology after a relationship with a male Borderline.
She knew what to ask.
She asked if Steve made me feel crazy.
Made me feel crazy? He tried to paint me as crazy. I still have the text messages in which he threatened to have me committed like he did his ex-wife!! My only regret is not taking him up on the offer. I'm pretty sure a trained clinician could have easily spotted the truth of the situation. Perhaps he'd have gotten some real help that way.
Ah.....live and learn.
She asked how many times we broke up and got back together.
I don't know. I lost count after five. He broke up with me every three weeks....typically before major holidays. I think he did that so we didn't have to celebrate together. The other times he'd break up with me, he thought he had a chance with another woman like the clerk at the 7-11 or one of his Facebook friends.
I realize now that the reality may have simply been that I was probably being punished for getting to close to him.
She asked if I felt like other people didn't believe me.
I was lucky. Steve would write abusive stuff about me on my Facebook page and wind up taking it down when my friends complained about it. They knew he was abusive. I had a few friends beg me to leave. One of them still posts memes for me telling me to make sure that the men I choose are worthy of me.
The problem was that Steve would write things to provoke a response and once I responded, he'd edit his original post to make me look crazy.
She asked if he tended to embarrass me.
Yes, He knew I was being stalked. When he wasn't getting his way, he'd run to Facebook and tell people I was crazy because I talked about being stalked (this happened as early as '12). The last time I heard about him doing that was in October '14.
The sick thing was that he was there during the Starbucks incident; Shannon had her computer out and was watching us drink coffee.
My ex-husband (and possibly sister-in-law) were watching his page. Every lie he'd post about me, I would hear about it. I was stalked so well, they knew that the things he wrote were lies.
I guess I should be happy that I never strangled Steve. My stalker could have been a witness.
Here is a link that describes how sociopaths use social networking to find and humiliate people. It describes what Steve did to me to a "T": http://datingasociopath.com/2015/02/20/how-the-sociopath-once-you-are-emotionally-invested-will-force-you-to-focus-on-your-morals-and-values-to-manipulate-keep-control/
She asked if there was physical trauma.
Yes, I was traumatized when Steve choked me. This may be the act that caused the PTSD to take hold.
The physical trauma wasn't the worst of it. The mental confusion was harder to deal with. He was just rude to the hilt. Seriously? Who takes a woman on a date and orders dinner at 4:00 while she is in the bathroom. He ordered for himself. We were in a parking lot waiting for his mother to drop off his daughter so I could drive them to a concert. She wound up being 90 minutes late. I didn't have time to order anything because I was expected to drive him and his daughter to a concert. He scarfed down his food. He didn't tell me that this would be my final opportunity to eat until midnight. I have blood sugar issues and wasn't carrying my dietetic food bars out of fear that the security staff would confiscate them.
Worse, this was the day he had his friend SELL my concert tickets after we arrived. We had a deal that if I were to buy tickets to a Pagan festival, he would purchase the tickets to this concert. The Pagan festival was much more expensive. He must have felt I was taking advantage of him because he bought me a cheaper set with different seats. He and his daughter had floor passes. I was stuck in the stands.....hungry...by myself.
When I tried to talk about it, I was mocked for having an ugly car. Then I was told to "shut the f*ck up." And, yes, this was the day I decided to end things with him. It didn't help that I overheard him complaining that I was angry to his friend who sold my tickets. I heard his friend reply, "well....it must be true love." I took that as a sign that I should have left much sooner.
It needed to end. Of course, when we came home Steve ran to Facebook to do his customary pre-emptive strike. He started lying about me. He said I never lifted a finger to help him or had any consideration for him. The weird thing was that he still had the $100 I brought to the concert. I'm not going to complain. I'll call it a wash. He thinks he is a nice guy. He's not. Who invites a woman on a date and expects her to pay? I did that a lot. I think, in the future, I'm going to see that as a red flag. I pay out of the kindness of my heart and a sense of fairness. It feels weird to do that out of pressure.
That could explain why he was smirking the last time I saw him. I think it took him awhile to come up with a plan to embarrass me.
Yes, in the past, he would do stupid stuff (like threaten to report me to Facebook) and tell me that he got the idea from other people. He literally planned to make my life a living hell. As much as I loved him, life is much easier when he is not around.
I think the worst part was recruiting people to contact me on his behalf.
He told so many lies about me that he managed to get a couple of my friends to call me to see if I were okay. One of them believed the lies. Another one tried to capitalize on the situation. A third gave Steve a lot of sympathy but no longer speaks to either one of us: I think he realized that he was being played.
Oh, and it didn't help that Steve had a twenty-five year old acquaintance call me in crisis on nights I had to get to work early in the morning. This happened about two months after we broke up. At first, I thought she was a girl in trouble so I took the calls. By the third call, she brought up Steve's antics towards her. It turned out that Steve had tried to pursue her during our relationship and he had claimed to have naked photos of her that could be posted online. I found out later that he talked her out of finishing college and she was left homeless. He would often tell her that he was the only person who cared about her. No one else would care about someone like her. He often said rude things like that to me, too. She told me that a man had taken advantage of her and left her pregnant. She had to give the child up for adoption and would call me in the middle of the night to cry about it.
I wonder now.....was that man Steve?
I remember telling her to focus on what she needs and ignore older men who have issues. There are plenty of men her age who would love to be with her. Within an hour of ending that conversation, Steve went to Facebook and wrote a bunch of bizarre claims on my wall. My friends managed to stomp out his antics.....again.
If Steve truly took advantage of this young lady, I NEVER want to see his face again. I might stomp on it.
********
So, I've been working on the stalking fear in therapy, now that there is a chance it is over.
Sure, my ex-husband stalks me -but- he has never thrust guns in my neighbors' faces, harassed my co-workers, lied to my boss, tried to get a job at my university in order to harass me, lied to my landlord or done anything overtly hurtful to third parties.
His sister did things like that. I found it particularly isolating because I found myself giving up opportunities, jobs and moving because I felt the need to keep these third parties safe.
Most of the fear I have surrounds his sister's antics.
If it is true that she is dead, I can breathe a sigh of relief.
I am waiting to get information from the county as to whether or not she is truly deceased. Part of me wants her to be dead because I would have a lot less fear about holding a job. Part of me hopes that she is still alive. Forty-two is far too young to pass away. No matter what they say, it'll be difficult to hear.
*******
The potential PTSD diagnosis stems from my chronic forgetfulness. That is something that didn't appear until I was three months into a relationship with Steve. He was playing gaslighting games. He would do crazy stuff and claim I did the crap he was pulling. He was lying about me on Facebook and changing history. I wound up questioning my perceptions. I think I spend so much time double checking things, I don't have the mental power to think of anything new.
I was informed that partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder often wind up with PTSD, even after short relationships.
I don't know.
I probably have PTSD due to the stalking and my ex-husband's antics. Steve just exacerbated everything.
Seriously.....who runs to Facebook claiming that I am lying about being stalked??? My stalker made sure that I knew Steve wrote that. It broke her heart!!!
Maybe that's what killed her.
Just teasing.....they say it was cancer.
******
Michael has been in town over the past two weeks. He's been staying in the basement. He says that he wants to remarry me.
Mind you.....I haven't kissed him in years.
I forgot what his manhood looks like.
I asked him to go into therapy to uncover why he needs to control me. If we know the need, maybe we can find a resolution that doesn't involve stealing money and scaring me.
He refused.
I hope he knows that there is no hope of having a relationship with me short of him going to therapy. It looks like I'm going to have to consider selling the house and moving on.
I did get the paperwork for the home improvement loan. I'm hopeful I get the house fixed up and ready to sell.
******
Sorry this is so choppy.
I am in a little bit of a hurry today. I have a class. If I can find something more to add, I will.
I will post if I get confirmation that my scariest stalker is no longer among the living.
Love ya,
S.