I don't know whether or not I'm thankful for alimony.
It can be a useful bargaining chip but my ex offered me everything just to get away from the marriage. His mother wants him to move back home. I'm realizing that the violence, the refusal to allow me to work, and the stalking were ways to scare me away from him.
When I told him about seeing a lawyer, he offered me everything. I told him that it wouldn't fly very far because it wasn't fair to him. Then, an old time lawyer schooled me.
If I waive alimony, it's more than fair.
Yes...the legislature in my state has updated their alimony and child support guidelines. The very senators and congresspeople that I call spineless and wimpy, may have saved my kids from losing their home.
Yep.
I've spoken to five lawyers. They all say the same thing.
My ex will have to pay me $1,600 a month the moment I file for divorce. This is IF I find a full-time job paying $400 a week with full benefits.
If I don't, he'll pay MORE!!!
If I were to leave him today, he would pay much more.
He'll have to do so for eight years!!!
That's a little less than half his salary. He's going to lose his tax breaks. I don't see how he will survive.
I can't do that to him!!
I didn't file the paperwork. I couldn't. That would be EVIL!!!
Really!!
Who acts like that?
I was told that my alimony would amount to $9,000 per year. Over the course of 8 years, that is a grand sum of $72,000.
Last month, he wrote me a statement stating that he would leave me the house, the equity, and the 401K. I never thought a judge would go for that. It seemed to be too generously slanted to me. I told him to come back and be a little more fair towards himself.
I guess I was wrong.
If I take his offer to take the equity in the house and both of the 401K accounts, it'll only amount to $36,000 if I use the figures he gave to the bankruptcy court. He'll still owe me a $36,000 unless I sign a waiver or get married to someone else.
So, if I take everything it will be $36,000. If he takes my deal, I will only get $20,000 equity in the house. He'll save $52,000. I'm not sure a judge would go for that.
Now, if I fixed the house up and invested $20,000 into it..the house could be worth $200,000. That wouldn't really make much difference. It would only add another $10,000 to it. He'd only be $42,000 short.
It's a shame he raided the 401Ks.
I can't find a way to slice this that is fair and that a judge would accept.
I'm trying.
I need a good job.
So, maybe his offer is the best one for all concerned. I'll take the house, my half of the 401Ks, sign a wavier and see if a judge will let him off the hook.
If I do that, his child support payment only drops into the neighborhood of $900-$1,000 a month. If I don't use daycare, it drops to $800.
Holy crap!
I give up!
After all these years, it looks like there is an end in sight!!
Maybe I should run with it and never look back.
Still....I quite honestly do not want the house. I can't see myself affording it. I can't see myself fixing it up.
I want the kids to stay here. He can't stay here with them due to his work schedule. So, I guess it's up to me.
Maybe if I go into sales? How do I earn that kind of money?
I'm off to find a job to try to spare him the anguish.
I'm still a little afraid his sister will stalk me again if I get another job. His family needs to stop harassing me. They would probably leave me alone.
Wow..it will be nice to walk in public again and not have his uncle run up to me to glare into my face and walk off. It will be nice to have a job and going to school without worrying about being harassed.
It is a little sad, though. When we married, the agreement was that I'd get to finish my doctorate and that he would be a stay at home dad. Everyone was on board with it until three months into the marriage.
If he and his family would have let me finish my doctorate and work as a therapist without stalking the heck out of me, I'd be paying him 40% of my salary in palimony. Most of my friends holding doctorates make six figures.
I'd owe him the mint.
The lesson here, gentlemen, is don't try to control your wives to the point she can't hold a job or go to school.
Wow...just wow.
I may go back into the therapy business but I want a job with benefits. Without benefits, my ex has to foot that bill, too. I have no clue how much that would cost.
So....
I spent today looking for a job.
My first application went to the local prison. They want to hire someone to help the inmates stop smoking. It doesn't pay a lot but it has benefits and pays enough to lower the alimony.
Wow...
I'm in pain over this. My ex has worked fifteen years and what does he have to show for it?
Nothing!!
I don't get it. I really don't.
Worse, if he had let me divorce him thirteen years ago when this crap started, he wouldn't have had to pay alimony at all!
Thirteen years is a long time to be sleeping alone. Six years is a long time to be nookie free.
If I had left him last year, the new alimony law wouldn't have kicked in. The conversation would have been different. He may have gotten off scot free, especially if I could have restarted my business.
Why do men marry?
Ugh!!!
Maybe the better question is why do men marry and not try to keep up the relationship?
Divorce is expensive!!
Wow....I'm in utter shock.
I'll let you know how it goes. I can't see keeping the house. I really can't.
Today I am thankful for truth because I sure miss it.
I'm still a little angry.
Okay, I'm very angry.
I need to get away from the crap in order to process it.
He's pissed me off.
Few survive the wrath of Siegfred; lives get changed when I get mad.
No one escapes it.
No one.
I'm realizing that I've been lied to quite a bit.
I trusted someone I shouldn't have again.
I don't know.
I received a phone call from our adult daughter today.
Her boyfriend broke up with her two years ago. They have a kiddo together. Shortly after the baby was born, he moved out of her apartment to be with another woman. It didn't work out and his name was still on the lease. She let him come back. He hasn't left despite making it clear that they were no longer a couple. It's been about eighteen months now.
She found another guy. He's a sweetheart. He's had his eye on her for awhile.
Now, her flatmate ex found out she's interested in another guy and is trying to make her feel guilty for wanting to move out.
Oh, that sounds familiar!!!
I realize that I taught her to put up with this crap.
She's doing exactly what I did.
Okay, that is exactly what I do.
I fall for every suicide threat. I fall for every rage attack. I fall for every sob story and promise that if I just stay to help him with something, he'll move on in acceptance.
He never does.
I told her that I was the last person that she should take relationship advice from.
My legal meeting was cancelled until Wednesday.
Looking for work was disheartening for me today. I'm overqualified for many of the jobs and underqualified for others. I ended up spending the day helping a couple of students learn techniques to increase their academic success.
It was a nice diversion.
I think I'm slowly going crazy.
I need some time to get to the truth.
I wouldn't know the truth right now if it came up and bit me on the nose.
I don't trust anything that I knew yesterday.
I'm going to take some time and try to sort it out.
I'm not sure if I can sort it out.
It's pretty sordid.
There are some crazy things going on that help me see the truth.
I'm not going to bitch about it anymore; it'll bring the crap closer.
Maybe the stalking is just a rouse to keep me here. Actually, it is. It keeps him connected to me and keeps me talking to him.
It was explained to me today that I'm in danger of dying in a suicide/murder arrangement.
He is lying when he says we are divorcing. I'm the other one working towards actually getting that done.
It's funny. I have to beg for money just to feed the kids. He offered to give $20 to someone pretending to be homeless. He literally pulled a cash roll out of his pocket and offered her money.
How does one know a real homeless person from a fake one? It's the teeth.
The teeth are the first thing to go when someone has been on the streets for a long time. That's how I tell. Impoverished people, even those with homes, have a difficult time accessing dental care.
Sigh....
Maybe if I sell my bass, saxophones, and clarinet, I'll get the funds to rent that office with the high tech security system,
maybe then the game will end.
It's time to sell my crap and just do whatever it takes to move on.
The department doesn't really understand cyber-stalking. When I'm trying to explain to a police officer how to get Facebook to email a person with the IP address of a stalker, that's not good. The only proof I have of what was going on was due to cyber-stalking.
Seriously, what is the stalker going to find about me online?
Hacking into my accounts only tells them two things:
1. I give men blue balls
-and-
2. I like to compose and post a lot of self-help videos and audios.
I know what is going on.
I'm being played with in a bid to keep me here.
I'm not going to write about it again unless there is a valid threat.
Someone gets off on my fear.
Trying to break into my house while I'm home doesn't count. Someone is going to have to make a verbal or written threat against my life.
I am realizing that someone is using the stalking as a means to keep in contact with me.
I'm a little ticked about it.
I know what is going on. If I end up dead, the cops will have three suspects.
So...It's all good.
I probably shouldn't post about the legal stuff anymore. I guess he's not taking it seriously.
Hey, he likes surprises.
I guess his talk about divorce all these years has been little more than talk geared to control me.
I'm serious about it.
He's not.
Working with him will do little good.
I've got to be the one to leave.
I have been advised numerous times to get out of town, move in with a friend, or invite someone scary to live in this house with me.
I may have to do that.
Getting out of town sounds like the best thing to do.
Today I am thankful for middle age because it means that I'm half dead.
If for some f'ed up reason I have to stay in this house with the ex in the basement, I won't have to do it for more than forty years.
My ex wants me back!
Oh, gawd...he wants me back!
He walked out on me the first time in 1999. He did it numerous times over the years. He did it in 2008 and after a week, I nearly changed the locks. He left again in 2011 but I let him back when he promised to help me get a divorce.
We've been talking about a divorce since 2007!
He has his room. His relationship status has been listed as Separated -or- Complicated forever. He told me f'ck other men years ago.
He only wanted me here for appearance sake and promised that if I stayed to help him get a job, he'd cooperate with a divorce. He lied. He's been f'ing around with money and credit so I can't leave.
He was hired in 2012.
I had to stay 18 months waiting for a bankruptcy to clear. Yeah, he claimed he put all our money in his 401K and stopped paying the bills.
That was a shock.
Then he lied about filing the bankruptcy paperwork.
He said he did that to keep me here.
I was shocked at the decimation of our 401K, my credit, and our bank accounts.
He admitted today that he knew I was wanting to leave him in 2001 when he refused to let me have anesthetic in the hospital because he was tired and believed that I would just fall asleep and not feel pain.
My memory of it was that I was in severe pain and asked the nurse for help and he bellowed over me so she couldn't hear me. I lay in pain for five hours before someone had the chance to hear that I needed help.
That's a narcissist for you. They have no empathy. You are an extention of them. If they feel no pain, well...neither do you!
Despite knowing that I really shouldn't care anymore...
I tried.
I honestly tried to entertain the possibility of it ending in a legal separation rather than a divorce.
I'd never have sex again but maybe the kids would be happier.
The stalking would have to stop.
He's not willing to put an end to the stalking.
I'd have to be allowed to work.
He'd have to look at the reasons why he freaks out when I earn money.
Nope...he says he's selfish and won't change.
Ummmm.....
What am I supposed to do?
It has to be a divorce.
It's pretty clear to me.
I've overstayed my welcome.
We had two good years before his mother started lying about me. He started sleeping apart from me in 1999. He'd come back. His mother would act out and he'd leave again.
He doesn't love me.
To this day, if I start talking, he'll either interrupt me, shout over me, or walk off.
This is difficult to deal with .
I'm trying to clean up the small details. If I can get something signed before I file, it'll cost only $1,300. If not, it'll cost $14,000 and the court will probably order him to pay most of the legal fees.
It's best if we work together but that is simply not happening.
He wants the kids to stay with the house.
I agree that is probably what ought to be done to minimize their pain.
I don't have the money or credit to fix up the house anymore.
I can't sell it on my own.
I don't have the income to pay the mortgage.
I can't buy him out of his half.
It may be smarter for him to keep the house and buy me out of my half. The house payment is cheaper than rent.
It appears that my only option is to sign over custody and the house to him. I wanted to set up a firm move out date.
He didn't like that idea.
He wants me here.
I can't leave or the kids will be neglected, he says.
Here's the catch, he won't leave.
One of us is going to have to leave.
It's like he wants us to be divorced but living together.
I've done the separation/cohabiting thing too long.
I've been celibate for years and as long as I'm in this house with a male, I won't be able to end that horrid celibacy streak.
Why would a man want to live with a woman he can't f'ck?
This must be a game to him.
I want out.
I kept my promises.
He didn't keep his.
This was supposed to be over by now.
I'm trying to be fair and I'm just hurting myself.
I asked if we could go back to having a visitation schedule, so I knew when I could leave the house.
He walked off and refused to answer the question.
This is really starting to piss me off.
May the lawyer have better news for me tomorrow. I see him tomorrow night. His office is next to the one I want to rent. I get to look at the office again tomorrow. If I borrow money to start a new business, will it get taken from me in the divorce?
I should probably wait.
The office has an amazing security system. If I get an android phone, the landlord will program it to get a direct feed of the security camera system to avoid my stalker. I like this landlord. He used to be a political advisor for a democrat politician I know.
It really is a small world.
It won't be long before I can move ahead.
The bankruptcy isn't quite over but it shouldn't be long now. We've passed the hearings, so any debt we take on now we have to pay. I didn't feel right about signing an agreement with a lawyer until after that date.
Karma...I have to pay for everything lest I have crappy money karma.
I do partly blame Obama. The damn IRS is holding up the tax refund; the bankruptcy judge said we could keep it. My intention was to split it with my ex and use my half to pay the lawyer.
Paganism is fairly empowering. We worship gods and goddesses Some are straight. Some are gay. All are beautiful and powerful. The religion is about getting in touch with human archetypes. We work to discover what god or goddess qualities dwell within our subconscious minds.
When the city attorneys were hassling me, I was in my Kali phase.
Two years ago, I asked Isis for help because I had no clue what I was supposed to do.
Last year, I was praying to Lilith to help me get away from my version of Adam.
In February, I promised to live like Aphrodite for a year. She's been good to me.
I'm failing miserably in keeping my promise.
People who live like Aphrodite are supposed to give refuge and gifts to the hearts and bodies of men.
Now, at the time, I made it clear I didn't have the intelligence to hang around more than one.
I asked her to send the one person who was most deserving to me and I would do my best to reward him. I had a vision, she would bring me someone who loves me and will treat me like an equal. The visions I have during her meditations are fairly raunchy, so I can't share too much. I'm usually on a beach. She's in the water standing on a shell. I'm being gifted a special pearl necklace,
one that no one could ever find in a store.
Sigh..
The guy Isis sent to me two years ago keeps coming back. In fact, he generally contacts me during my invocations to Aphrodite on Friday nights. Mine last several hours and go well into Saturday morning.
This is crazy.
He sent me an email with a link to the original version of this song on Friday night.
I dunno....he doesn't know how many times I get called spooky due to my religion. Psychics will hold some of my more interesting acquisitions from the middle east and jump.
I have one necklace that will shock anyone that touches it, except me. It is said to contain a Shaitan.
The neat thing about collecting jewelry from haunted houses is that people will pay YOU to take it! I've been given some nice jewelry doing that. I have so much now that I'm trying to keep a written record of what each piece was said to be so that if I die, it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Someone sent me an interesting bracelet made with skull beads last night. It's supposed to hold dark magick spells for influence. I don't know about that. I do know that it sure looks spooky!
A witch made it for me, so I have to wear it and take a pic so she knows that I like it. She sent me a bracelet with a purity spell when she heard I was going into politics; she thought that would save my soul.
Isn't that sweet?
I'm making a meditation CD for one of her friends, so what we give comes back to us. We share our stuff a lot in that community. It's all good.
I wore the spooky skull bracelet all day in public and no one said anything!
When I put it on, I felt like shit. I've spent the past couple of days in tears.
I'm confused. I'm hurting. I'm crying myself to sleep. I'm still having panic attacks.
I'm angry because the Gods answered my prayers and I don't know what to do about it.
I think I cry when new men hit on me. I live in a world where I am undesirable. I don't know what these people see. I'm obese!! I'm a size 12-14!! Why are they hitting on me?
When love is a feeling that develops from friendship, I understand that. I don't understand sitting next to someone for the first time and wanting them.
I can only handle one guy at a time.
He's an ethical guy.
And...uh...the court system is too damn slow.
I can't do anything unethical with my friend or I'd fear losing him forever because he'd probably bury himself in a cloak of shame.
How does one fix this mess?
How can I get involved with my friend with this other crap dragging on?
I may need a do-over. I am not honoring Aphrodite at all.
There is a song that reflects what I would fear would come to fruition if I don't get a handle on my emotion. I need to get rid of the negative energy that is engulfing me before getting involved with anyone.
When I go crazy,
I.... go.... crazy.
Look what happened when some chick in the city government made up a fake $500 tax and wanted me to get a business license for my mythical garage band.
I went a little too far with that. That lady inspired a tax hike fighting group. We're still going strong.
This year, we've got our work cut out for us They want $25 million for local transportation and $1 billion for public schools.
That stupid city lawyer had to ask me what I intended to do about their taxes, I showed her. They should have given me my $500 back.
If you knew me then, you'd know that I took it too far. I stopped counting their losses when it hit $75,000,000.
I've never lost a fight yet.
Anyway....success in civics is not the same as success in love.
Today I am thankful for understanding the reason why men who are attracted to me cause me run off.
I really don't think I'm good enough.
Six years without sex does something to a woman. I feel ugly as sin.
I really feel ugly.
I think I've started to pick myself apart.
My teeth aren't white enough. My breath is never fresh enough. My make-up is never right. My clothes don't fit right. I'm never thin enough. The pores on my skin are too big. The stretch marks on my skin are a turn off. Maybe between the time between my shower and the moment a guy hits on me all the shaven hair on my leg miraculously grows back.
I've spent years wondering why I'm not good enough for a 500+ pound guy.
I can't imagine why anyone would want me.
I should mention that I did seek therapy for this. I couldn't do it though. I'm not going to have insurance much longer and the therapist on the insurer's plan was insane.
Apparently her mother was murdered when she was a teen and I triggered her anger over her mother becoming a victim.
The therapist doesn't understand psych ethics. I am considering logging a complaint against her with the regulatory agencies for breaking a couple of ethics rules. I may not. She was young and doesn't know what she' s doing yet.
No one taught her to ask open questions. That's what made it uncomfortable.
Yes or no questions lead clients. It's bad. She only asked me leading questions. I left feeling like a stupid pile of shit. The lady ridiculed me for not going to the police earlier about the stalking.
She phrased her queries as "you mean to tell me that you let the stalking go for twenty-one years without doing anything?" -and- "Your sister-in-law tried to get into your house and you did not call the cops?"
I called the police several times due to the stalking. There were calls to the cops in 1998, 1999, 2001, 2002, 2011, 2012 and 2013. They can't do anything because by the time Mike or Shannon admit to stalking me, the statute of limitations is up.
I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel ugly.
So....
I'll take this one step further. The therapy session made me feel like crap. The lady couldn't take me as a patient because I reflected her childhood pain back to her.
I feel like a loser.
Then she wanted to put me on drugs. This was fifteen minutes after meeting her. Drugs are highly profitable but master's level therapists shouldn't prescribe them, especially when my family doctor doesn't approve of them.
When the therapist asked me what degree I had, she nearly fell on the floor when I told her. I told her that I had the same degree she had. She changed her tune then and stopped judging me. The drug issue died right there, too.
Most therapists would use CBT at this point. But....she's a kid. She doesn't know what she's going. I'd be better off doing it myself.
Yeah....
The therapist was sooo bad, that she wanted me to prepay for a session in cash in case I missed one. She claimed that she had an entire file cabinet full of bills for people who failed to show up for subsequent appointments, so she wanted to be compensated one missed appointment fee in advance. Methinks that therapist needs to work on rapport building with her clients.
I never rescheduled. I'm going to tell all my doctor friends to never refer to that practice....ever. I'm considering leaving a review on Yelp, too. Look, therapists like that make everyone in my industry look like shit!!
She's that f'ing bad!!
I felt good most of the day despite the idiotic therapist.
Now, I am feeling depressed. I know why. It is guilt over unintentionally hurting someone.
After seeing Steve's latest post on Facebook, I decided to let him go.
I love him but I'm obviously hurting him by not ending my mess early enough. He has claimed that I'm playing games. I'm not playing games. I'm thinking he's playing games by refusing to talk to me in person. People who love each other talk. If he can't talk to me, then it's not love.
I guess it's time to let go.
Besides....
I'm old. I'm saggy. I'm baggy.
I'm not a catch at all.
Besides, I don't let my friends date crap. I feel like crap. I wouldn't let my friend go out with me. He deserves better.
Maybe if I give up on love, Mike will actually sign the papers without messing around. It's a narcissism thing; it will be easier for him if he gets to move on with someone else and I don't. It'll feed his ego.
Love makes me feel insecure. I hate the thought of potentially hurting another human being. That's why I'm picky about when and who I date or befriend anyone.
Today I am thankful for passive aggressive social media posts: they give you insight into the minds of men you love.
Yesterday, I met a man. He looks like my high school sweetheart but without the kilt.
He was hot.
He sat next to me.
When the dolts wanting a one billion dollar tax hike asked if anyone had the time to read the details of their proposal, both of our right hands shot up in the air.
I didn't like that electricity.
I squirmed away.
He offered to walk me to my car, I ran to the bathroom and escaped through a backdoor.
This man found me online and asked me out. I'm trying to find a nice way of saying that I'm unavailable without saying why.
I knew who he was when I saw him. He's a friend of a political frenemy who knows my situation. My frenemy can't keep a secret to save his life. He's a good man, just a little too helpful. This man knows I've been separated for six years.
He's also political so I have to be careful what I say. If we have a falling out, it will be repeated.
How does one say that I already have a love interest without screaming slut?
My frenemy can't keep a secret.
We ran against each other a couple of years ago. I had to hypnotize him in the closet to get over his fear of public speaking. I was caught by a reporter. That was an interesting interview. I had to hypnotize the reporter.
Sigh...
Today I went to a political event and a man approaches me and tells me that he voted for me because I'm a Vegan and Wiccan.
Who told him that I was Vegan and Wiccan?
I think I know.
Ugh!!!
I'm not Wiccan.
I'm Pagan.
It's not the same.
I was Vegan. I started eating meat in 2009 after I started losing my hair. Going off that diet caused me to gain a ton of weight. I decided to go pollo-vegatarian this time.
I haven't had meat for a week. I've lost five pounds.
Wow...
Anyway, I came home crying last night. I felt so lonely. I couldn't sleep last night. I miss Steve.
I don't know what to do.
I go back to the lawyer on Monday.
Steve won't call me because he's upset with me. I think he's mad that I let Mike come back.
I feel like it's my fault he's alone. I didn't know he was interested until it was too late.
I did what I did thinking it would keep everyone safe. I made things worse.
If Steve were meant to be with me, things would be over and done with. This is taking too long.
I pray he finds the woman meant for him.
If it were me, wouldn't I have this mess cleaned up by now?
It's horrible. When I meet other men, it makes me miss Steve.
I don't know what to do. I need my life to get less complicated before I invite a man into it.
I don't know how to explain this to someone without being near them. That is one of those conversations that I should have face to face.
I had to take one of the kids to a shrink yesterday. The shrink asked her if she wanted me to go back to her father, she said no. She said that I'm happier with my friend and that it was nice being near a man who validated her feelings.
I don't know what to do.
Steve will never trust me. If he can't talk to me in person, maybe I can't trust him.
I can't be with anyone.
So, I'm off to try to record another one hour voice over. I'll try to do it without crying. I've had to stop and start this one due to the pain in my heart.
Today I am thankful for confusing strange times because it is going to make me appreciate boring days a little more.
So, I went to the specialist yesterday about my weight issue. It's not my thyroid. It's my blood sugar and sleeping habits.
I lost three pounds in a week. I wasn't doing anything different except trying to sleep more than five hours at a whack.
I'm going to try to control my blood sugar. I'm going back to my vegan diet. We'll see what I look like in thirty days.
This doctor was interesting. We started to talk about my in-laws, particularly my 500 pound ex and his formerly 589 pound sister who had an amazing weight loss of 300 pounds.
This is the sister-in-law who is stalking me.
Yes, when the cops ask me why I didn't recognize her when she tried to break into my house, I can honestly say it is because she's lost a lot of weight! Shannon is very pretty. Maybe I say that because she looks like a chunky version of my daughter. I figured the stalker was a relative or sex partner of my ex's because of her familiar looks. I was right.
Someone should offer Shannon an endorsement deal. One that travels across the county would be great! I vow to buy your product because I'll finally be able to leave the house and earn a living!!
As I spoke to the doctor, it came out that Shannon had been obese since she was a toddler. The doctor explained to me that people who grow up obese never feel accepted. Until she drops her last 150 pounds, she's going to suffer the stigma of not being accepted.
It could lead to narcissistic tendencies as they try to compensate for the lack of support.
He thought that maybe she was stalking me because I gave her validation as a human being. In fact, when I ran for office and did my ego search with the tv station that interviewed me, her picture came up due to a story about her weight loss. I left a kind comment...anonymous... but kind. A couple of months later, she called here and I congratulated her. The stalking stopped for about four months before picking up again.
Maybe Shannon needs a friend?
I don't know. If she hadn't stalked me out of my business, I'd have given her a job.
I did talk to her brother yesterday. Apparently, they stalked the Wham tour bus when they were here back in the day. Who in the world has time to follow a bus full of amplifiers and guitars? I hate to burst their bubbles but no security guard in his right mind would let a rock star on a bus with a label like that.
Oh...my..
That family drives me crazy. I went to high school with her cousins. I got all the cute boys, her two cousins were saving themselves for members of Duran Duran.
That may have been a good thing. They made it through high school without pregnancies or anything evil happening to them.
Maybe rock stars serve a purpose in western society.
They keep little girls pure.
Hmmmm...
Wow....that's a cool thought!
I get chosen by the religious dudes, so I'm lucky too. I still get the religious dudes. I don't understand how a pagan witch attracts Mormons, Baptists, and Conservative Right Wing Christians.
Maybe they want a challenge?
Oh, where does one find an nice devotee of Eros during Ostara?
I'd settle for someone interested in going wild in celebration of Dionysus. I'll probably have to wait until May for that.
I pray.
Every time I pray Steve shows up. The issue with Steve is that he starts talking about ethics: I can't do what I want to do because it would be unethical. I don't want to upset his sense of morality.
I want to revoke that gov't issued marriage license first.
Of course, I tell him this and he goes on Facebook rants about how the government shouldn't define us.
Until he says that to me in a place I can feel his energy, I can't even think of touching him.
I think the Goddess shoves Steve in my life because he challenges me. I'm not happy. He tells me that I need to take responsibility for my happiness. I'm horny. I need to take responsibility for my horniness and on and on.
See what he does to me?
He's clever and cute. It's a dangerous combination.
I have a lawyer. I have a divorce agreement that needs signed and filed. I'm waiting for the bankruptcy to end and for the tax refund to pay said lawyer.
It's taking too flippin' long. That's okay. I'm getting stuff done while I'm waiting.
When I thought Steve was upset with me, I did pray a second time. I asked for someone I could actually touch without guilt. I did ask for Steve to find his soul mate.
The next day I met a man who I can only describe as a near physical copy of my friend Steve but with my background, hobbies, and interests. We even have the same baggage.
He wants a wife.
He literally propositioned me within a day of meeting him. He's religious. I'm not divorced. He goes to church with my former foster parents.
NOOO!!
At least Steve took his time. I knew him for eighteen months before he told me he was interested in me.
The more men I meet, the more I adore my friend.
I'm not sure if his spells took hold. I say spells because I cast his twice.
I haven't heard his voice for a few weeks. Maybe he found someone hot?
He deserves it.
Do I dare pray again?
It's Ostara. I should do a ritual.
It's the perfect time to do rituals for love -but- I don't want to annoy my friend anymore.
If I light the red candle. Steve will show up and I won't let him [censored]. Then I won't be able to sleep for weeks on end and he'll be frustrated because I blocked him due to my fears of destroying his squeaky clean conscience.
Today, someone sent me a link to Shannon's Facebook page and instructed me to use their account to log in and view it. I viewed it. I printed off three pictures. I signed off and blocked her so I can't access her ever again.
I now have a picture of the blond woman who tried to break into my house standing next to a red truck that looked exactly like the one that pulled into the driveway.
Yes, my stalker is indeed my sister-in-law Shannon.
The woman had the thinnest blond hair. It was horridly thin and straight. That is the hair that Shannon sported in her picture last summer.
Shannon is my stalker.
I also have a photo of the man who harassed me as I left a lunch with my high school sweetheart. It is her fiance, Doug.
I'm going to take Doug's photo down to my old office and see if my former colleagues peg him as the man who trespassed in their offices. The city where I worked will charge me $5 to pull the old police report and add to the file.
What in the heck do these jokers want with me?
Someone changed my Facebook password this morning. It was the name and birthday of my current crush.
I changed it again. It is an anagram of the names and birth dates of every man I've ever seen naked. If I'm a slut, it's a long password. If not, it shouldn't be impossible to crack.
I hope they have fun with that.
I still don't know why they are stalking me.
The cops say that Mike is putting them up to it.
Mike says that his mother is putting his sister up to it.
Why? If Shannon is successful in her own right, why would she harass me?
This makes no sense.
I'm still confused.
I'm almost to the point of making little Shannon and Doug voodoo dolls to grace my garden. If they go missing, my new security cameras will capture the image of the thief.
In the meantime, I'm going to the police. I'm fairly certain that I can still file a police report on Shannon trying to enter my home.
Now...if you are an estranged sister-in-law and you want something out of the house of your former in-law....don't break in...ASK!!!
Today I am thankful for my new definition of creepy.
Okay....
imagine wanting to buy a gift for a current crush. Say it is a movie that he said reminds him of having sex with a politician.
Now, imagine all the potential filthy fantasies a redheaded chick may or may not have had about watching said movie with her love interest.
curled up on the couch pretending to watch said movie with her love interest.
Imagine finding said gift on Amazon and putting it on your wish list with a note that it is a gift for someone with the name of your crush and wanting to buy it and give it to him to share with his current cuddle bunny.
Imagine your ex buying the same gift for you because he saw that you wanted it.
Then imagine him saying that he wanted to watch it with you.
"Happily?" He inquired with blue eyes that could cut through the coldest of steel.
"No." I started to blush. "Thank goodness I have a hot boyfriend."
"Oh, you must all be Libertarians that understand that kind of thing!" He exclaimed.
"Actually, yes. We all believe in personal freedom." Those words came out of my mouth as I caught my reflection in the window. My face matched my red hair!
Wow.
The man and I went on to talk about literature and helping someone win a council seat.
I found that weird.
I am absolutely huge! I've got to lose at least forty pounds to fit in last year's clothing. I think I look like a hippo. I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow and the specialist on Tuesday.
I think I may have gained that weight due to drugs I was taking to even out my estrogen. I asked some of my friends who took it and they gained an average of six pounds a month on the stuff. I took it for over a year. That could explain things.
But, if the doctor says it's my thyroid. I'll listen to him.
The shrink says that it is not uncommon for stalking victims to have fluctuating weight due to the cortisol stress puts in their systems. I can't stand being fat. I hate it. I'm embarassed to go out in public now.
What in the heck do men see in me? I'm chunky!!
Eeewww!!
I found two offices, both are heavily secured with cameras within the building and parking lot. I may go with the office where the manager told me that I can get the camera feed sent to my smart phone.
I put in a call to the local PD in that area to see how they handle stalking cases. I have pictures of Shannon and Doug that I gave to the management and will share with the neighborhood police officer.
And...yeah....
I really don't have a boyfriend. I have a love interest and a budding friendship where the guy stares at me a little too long.
I can't get my friend out of my mind. I wish I knew what to do about it. I'm a mess. I need to clean up the messiness so that I can be more available to him. I really love him. I just realized that he loved me at the wrong time.
If I had known earlier, I would made different choices in my life.
I don't have room for anyone else right now. The last thing I need is another handsome bald guy with blue eyes hitting on me.
I'm trying to do what Steve told me to do. I am trying to wish for the best of everyone involved.
Why is it taking so long?
Maybe I haven't learned the lesson yet.
I'm staying silent and know everything will work out eventually.
So, early this morning my friend leaves some philosphical drivel that could be described as a layman's description of transactional analysis. He wrote something akin to 'I love you if my needs are met and visa versa'.
Okay....he was tying it to a political post. He misspelled the word "of course" to read "coarse".
And yeah, he was being a tad bit coarse but he taught me a couple of things about myself.
He's always been a good mirror for me.
Yes, I like philosophy but not at 6:00 in the morning on snowy days when I'm slip sliding around on the road.
Yes, I like philosophy about psychology but not about love, sexual desire, and all the fun stuff while I'm on Facebook and someone connected with my ex is signing into my account.
Love...
it is partly about needs getting met.
But above that, it is about communicating about those needs.
It is a feeling that I can't describe. He's special. I don't know why. If I could name exactly why I think he's special, I don't think I'd love him. I can name little things I adore about him but it's the whole package that makes him special.
He won't call me. He'll call me if he thinks I'm leaving town due to a threat my stalker made on Twitter.
He's going to have to call me. Posting it to Facebook will only serve to get my stalker all up in arms on a social networking website.
Let me take things one step at a time.
My dear friend is a Libertarian. He's always preaching about taking responsibility for one's own needs. As much as I fantasize about helping him prevent prostrate cancer, he's going to have to find other means of getting that done.
One must be discreet. One must be careful not to piss off a stalker. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Until then, it's going to be hard to get me under the sheets.
Besides, I can't run off and destroy my financial future now. Trust me, no one wants a relationship with a woman working three jobs just to make ends meet. Let me fix the mess. It shouldn't take long.
I'm trying to tie up the lose ends. I'm realizing that leaving a narcissist creates a situation where the issues are ongoing. That's why it has taken me six years to divorce. This is the final fire. If he won't let me put this one out, his house is going to burn down.
As for my friend, I'll tell him what is going on so he can make an informed decision.
As I write this, I realize that I am having severe trust issues with men who won't communicate with me in person. There were years during my marriage where my ex only communicated with me on Facebook.
That doesn't do much for one's sex life.
I don't know....
My friend claims that he is the one with trust issues. I think he's a mirror for me there.
Maybe I simply do not trust my friend enough. He's making everything public prior to it being said in private. It seems a little narcissistic on some level. It may not be that way. He may be trying to spare me getting my arse kicked if my stalker gets a hold of my cell phone. He may be trying to keep my stalker from getting photos of us together. I don't know.
The stalker probably has print-outs of his email conversations based on the hacks into my Facebook account.
What is worse?
Maybe I just don't trust men.
After more than two decades trying to run away from a narcissist, I don't do the show thing very well.
I'm going to need more therapy before getting into a relationship. Scratch that...I think we have a friendship type-of relationship. I need more therapy before getting into an intimate one.
I'm beginning to want to eat something horrible for me. When I think of my friend all by himself, I eat chocolate. I'm wondering if I'm not subconsciously trying to make myself undesirable.
He expressed his love for me after I chunked out. So, I'm going to guess this goes deeper than appearances.
I don't like fat sex, so I am working on dropping the weight. I have a fear of squishing him and I know that with a little creativity, that will not happen. I know that the doc is going to put me on a protein shake diet to help even out my blood sugar. I know my friend would offer to help me save money on meals.
Sigh... I see the doc again on Friday and the specialist on Tuesday. The weight is going to go.
It'll be more fun that way. Besides, my size 8 clothes are hot!!
Love ya,
S.
Edit 7/27/15 - It's been over 15 months since I wrote this post and I notice that someone has been reading this post over and over. I wanted to know why it has become suddenly popular.
I cringed when I saw the first paragraph about Steve needing to have his needs met. He loved me so long as I met his needs. The problem was that his needs were too much. He was all that counted. My needs didn't count. He had a need to lie about me to triangulate others into the relationship. He had a need to choke me and to humiliate me. I couldn't take it anymore.
I was so blinded by love that I didn't see the telltale sign of a Borderline Personality - their needs are all that count.
If anyone ever tells you that they will love you so long as their needs are met - RUN!
If you read my current posts, you'll learn that my stalker died. The stalking hasn't stopped. Her former boyfriend still hangs out in front of the house and blocks my car in the driveway when I have places to go. Someone is breaking things on my porch on the days my ex-husband is out of the country. My ex-husband is blaming Steve. I'm pretty sure it is my former in-laws. I have decided to move out of state and am in the process of selling my home.
The problem, though, is Steve sent me a few text messages threatening to stalk me....so....it muddles the issue when I take it to the police. Steve also sent me an email telling me that he cannot be held responsible for what his family chooses to do to me. Steve was playing on my biggest fear - my fear of repeating the experience I've endured from Michael and his sister.
If I didn't do what Steve wanted me to do, he'd threaten me. He also threatened to have me put in a mental institution (like he claimed to have done to his previous wives). I've got a master's degree in psychology and as a practicing psychotherapist, I see shrinks on a routine basis. He would NOT have succeeded. I was annoyed that he made that threat. He also threatened to lie to the cops in order to get a restraining order against me (yeah...he made that threat after threatening to stalk me).
There are people who will threaten you if you cannot meet their endless pit of need. Again - if anyone loves you solely because you meet his or her needs - run....run away...do not look back! A warning to the men who see this - most people diagnosed with BPD are women. Please pay attention to that warning sign
Well....today I am thankful for Westminster IP addresses.
I think my stalker can be served with a restraining order now. I checked with the DSL company and there is no way that my machine logged into Facebook during those time frames. They said that it came from a computer in the area Shannon lives. It came from a computer using IE7. I use Chrome.
We'll see. It will be nice to get that stress out of my life.
I'm not happy. I almost let Shannon off of the hook.
Last night I met with several other activists who found gps under their cars, too. I was beginning to think that Shannon was innocent.
They all had active court cases. I don't.
Then, too. Shannon called within 24 hours of that box falling off my car to offer a cell phone on her family plan.
She and her boyfriend are on tape harassing people in my office building. Then a woman looking like her tried to break into the house. The truck was registered to her boyfriend.
She's got to be the stalker.
By the time I get proof it is them, the statute of limitations expires.
They logged into Facebook during those days I was supposed to be hiding out of town due to Shannon's threats.
On the bright side, I think her hacking into my Facebook account may give me the proof I need.
Here is the deal...
Two men propositioned me for sex on that infernal website. One asked me to marry him.
My ex is now saying that he knows I'd never cheat on him.
Is Shannon telling Michael what she's finding out about me online?
It's kinda creepy.
On another sweeter note...
I had my blood work drawn today. My thyroid is not functioning well. I'm fatter than I've ever been before.
I about fainted on the scale. It's a little sick.
It's nothing a few weeks of thyroid medication can't fix. I see a specialist next week.
If my friend wants to have sex with me when I look like this and have gained fifteen pounds since we met, maybe it's really love.
No one wants to screw a hippo.
No one is that desperate.
That poor, poor man.
Yeah, the daily work-outs weren't cutting it.
Let me try the meds.
Getting rid of the stalker stress will help, too.
I think sleeping less than five hours a night has probably contributed to the pudge.
The most we've done is admit that we love each other. We don't go out anymore despite his offers to take me places. I'm terrified of the stalker. He's got a kiddo. I don't want anyone hurt.
I need a safety plan.
My friend helped me batten down the hatches online, so the stalker can't take over any more of my accounts.
The career counselor thinks I should go into Human Resources given my background, do charity work as a grant writer and utilize my publicity skills in my work with political parties.
I miss my friend but understand that I can't be with anyone until I have the ability to support myself without help and am virtually stalker free.
So...I don't know what to do.
Michael says that his sister is jealous of my celebrity, so when I do things in the public eye she begins to stalk me. On some level, that makes me want to publish something else, give more seminars and take on the lawmakers in the press again.
The cops and my PI neighbor say Michael is the stalker and that he is jealous of the attention I get from other men.
This woman has been stalking me for over twenty-one years. It didn't get scary until Michael stopped talking to her. I think it is a narcissistic injury that is driving her behavior.
She could have been doing that at Michael's request. She'd follow me around when I was tutoring men. This occurred before I dated Michael.
I went out last week to a political function and met a very attractive man. He's been hitting on me all week. I am at a loss for what to say for him except that I am unavailable. When other men hit on me, it makes me miss my friend Steve to no end.
I tend to get hit on during political events, when Steve is there.....other men leave me alone. I don't know why. I do go to these things with other male friends who tend to be flanked by my side but they don't stop the other guys hitting on me. When Steve is there I do not get hit on.
I wonder why? Maybe it is because of the way we look at each other.
Steve had come into my world and changed everything up. He's empowered me quite a bit. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can laugh at illogic. It's cute.
I think he's trying to tell me that it's okay to ask for help more often. I don't want him trying to save me. He's one of those kind of romantic guys; I'm not sure that he understands that women are usually more crafty than their male counterparts. I'll get out of this...soon.
I believe the bankruptcy discharges on Friday and I can finally start my divorce proceedings.
This love has changed me. Life seems more beautiful and miraculous now.
As for Steve, I think he's seeing how wonderful of a human being he is all on his own.
He's the embodiment of everything that I find beautiful in members of the opposite sex on so many levels. It hurts me deeply when he puts himself down.
Love is weird in that it is shocking when you recognize it. It is a feeling . I find that the reasons for that feeling are so hard, if not impossible, to pinpoint.
Although I can tell you qualities that I adore in my friend, I don't know why I love him.
I just do.
There is another human being who can look straight through me and not give a damn about my faults. He sees things in me that I forgot existed. He sees my strength and my persistence.
I see his kindness, his patience, his intelligence and that gentle eroticism that he's trying to hide.
This is weird.
It's almost like I met him too soon to be with him.
Scratch that....
Maybe I met him when I needed to meet him.
I'm spending the day updating my resume and looking for a job.
The sooner I change my life, the sooner I can find out where I belong.
Mike is looking for an apartment five cities away. I still think that if his sister is stalking me, I should move out but he wants me to stay here to take care of things.
I learned today that Shannon tried to use a bump key and hammer to break into our home as I prepared to visit a local artist on my birthday.
I'm scared to death.
I'm not sure I'm safe in this house.
I went to a career counselor today. We spoke about the stalking and really the only way that I can stay safe is to switch careers. If I continue to be a therapist, the state will post my contact information online for the world to see, so I have to give up the job I love.
I'm a little sad about it.
I'm trying not to cry.
I also realized that Shannon and Mike were both alumni of the school I graduated from. They will be able to get my contact information if I update it with the university. So, I may have to give up the alumni association, too.
I'm in pain but it has to be done.
I had another man interested in seeing me. I figured out how to chase him away. He was very attractive Scorpio, so all the normal
"I'm married
and interested in having an affair with another man
which puts me at my limit for men I can see naked at one time"
stuff didn't work on him.
Usually, they ask if the marriage is happy or if I've actually been with the other guy. If the answer is no...or if they realize that I'm not f'ing anyone...then they volunteer.
I've been through this a few times.
This time, I told him I was prude and hate blow jobs. That did the trick.
Usually, Scorpios figure out when I'm lying.
Maybe I wasn't worth the trouble.
Wow... that was easy.
What the heck is wrong with me?
I'm in love with a friend. No one else stands a snowball's chance in hell with me.
I can't be with my friend.
He's alone.
I hate to see him alone.
So...
I finished my spell to Isis today. Maybe my friend will find someone hotter to snuggle and I won't feel so guilty about not being with him.
I wanted my divorce to be final before he found out I loved him.
I guess I'm too transparent.
He knew.
How in the heck did he know?
I about cringed when I realized he had feelings for me.
He told the entire world!!
He's so romantic. No one was shocked, except I. Everyone else saw it. Everyone saw that I loved him. Everyone saw that he loved me.
I'm so damn clueless.
I think his patience with me has worn thin.
It's hard to love someone who is unavailable.
If it were meant to be, it would happen.
Love always wins, right?
Maybe I'm not the one that will make his smile the widest.
For what it's worth, I'm working on changing things.
I am partially writing today to document what I learned about Shannon visiting my home on my birthday somewhere. Oh, and I had to change my Facebook settings. Someone was logged in my Facebook account from the city where Shannon lives at the same time I was logged in. I use Chrome. This person uses Internet Explorer 7. My stalker uses IE!! How smart can he/she be?
Damn....I'm terrified.
I'm still terrified and unsure how this is going to end.
I should probably move out of state and change my name.
May everyone find exactly what they need (including Shannon or whoever put her up to stalking me).
Michael handed me a note promising me the house, the 401K and custody of the kids. I told him to come up with something a little more fair towards himself.
He started crying because he doesn't want a divorce. I'm all he lives for.
He hasn't touched me in six years and I'm what he wants.
Yeah...right!!
I am so flippin' pissed!
I knew it!!
I knew it!!!
The games...the stalking...the lying...the bullshit...the threats to kill himself....
it is all designed to keep me here.
I still don't get the stalking shit. He claims it's his sister and he can't keep me safe from her. He can't help but tell them how to find me, so he tells me that I will never be safe so long as I am married to him.
The cops say he's the stalker and that I'll never be safe until he moves on to another woman.
I'm confused.
I'm seriously thinking that the only way to stay safe is to move far away.
Maybe California?
That would be the last place he'd look. It's a liberal hellhole.
Maybe Texas?
This would be the first place he'd look, it's a libertarian paradise.
I don't know.
I'm seriously thinking about Mexico.
I can move.
Or, I can conjure something freaky.
Hmmmm.....if you see flying monkeys, I'm staying.
If not....I'll be brushing up on my Spanish
buenas noches,
S.
Edit 3/5/13 4:03 p.m.
I just spoke to a P.I.
Michael is my stalker. There is no proof only that he's seen this a thousand times before and he nearly broke out in laughter when I told him that Michael's sister is the stalker.
Yes, I have seen her do it.
Yes, I have seen her fiance do it.
Yes, I've fielded abusive phone calls from his cousin, his aunts, his uncle, his mother and his sister. Many of these phone calls contain tidbits of knowledge about things I've done and state that they had driven by and watched me. The last recording I have of this was several years ago. I screen my calls now.
But the stalking always happens shortly after having a communciation with Michael.
So....I have no choice but to end the relationship immediately.
Sadly, I'm going to have to keep Steve and any male friend at arm's length.
I'm in pain.
I'll need a couple of days to sort it all out.
On the bright side, the P.I. doesn't think I am in any danger. He told me to alert my friends, family, and coworkers and let them know to call the police if they are threatened.
Today I am thankful for being stuck in relationship limbo.
I finally realized how I know that men are interested in me as a relationship partner.
It is a three step process.
First, we have either a friendship or other type of relationship (quasi-professional or community based).
Then, they find out I'm getting divorced.
Then, here is the key, they start asking a heck of a lot of questions.
When our coffee outings start feeling like job interviews,
I know they want a wife.
My friends always attract the players, the assholes, the ingrates, the slam 'em and bam 'em guys who forget to say thank you after they make a mess on your dress.
I get the nice guys that want to parade diamonds on my finger. I get to turn down the gifts, the fancy dinners, and the concert tickets.
I get to meet the parents, the kids, and I get investigated to the hilt.
I'm not sure if I should consider myself lucky or not.
Weird...
As long as I have relationship limbo, I don't have to play the game. All I have to say is that the divorce isn't final and, wow, it's over.
Maybe if I joined a rock band I could chase away the marriage minded scary dudes?
I don't believe in marriage.
Sigh....
Maybe not....my first marriage proposal was from a musician.
Damn....
Love ya,
S.
P.S. Wow....on another note....I bitched in the papers and a Senator must've read my piece. I'm listening to current testimony at the state house pertaining to gun control bills. They actually added the all the suggestions I rudely made.
Never underestimate the power of a familiar name, a red head of hair, and a bitchy attitude.
I like how I can command the politicians with a look and a gesture. They don't recognize me. I've changed my hair. I've changed my manner of dress. I wear glasses.
They stare.
They don't know who I am until I tell them.
I met a man while waiting today.
He jumped when he saw me.
He was cute.
He reminded me of my friend.
He sat next to me and tried not to stare at my cleavage.
He reminded me of my friend.
He sat there shaking.
My friend doesn't shake.
He comes on a little too strong.
My friend doesn't do that.
Two men had to come rescue me.
I'm avoiding Facebook again.
Yes, the television cameras were trained on us yesterday.
I got an email that someone was disappointed that they didn't see me on the news.
I did that on purpose.
Last year, I learned the trick of staying off of TV. Do you want to know how to do that?
My trick is red henna. I can rinse my hair in it and it will not change the color.
But on camera
I look like my auburn hair is aflame.
The orange henna coats the top of my hair and looks like it is flaming when light shines through it.
If I want the interview, I just pin my hair back so the lights don't shine through the top. When I want to be on the cutting room floor, I wear my hair down.
It works like a charm.
I'm not comfortable meeting new men who take an interest in me.
This guy is good looking -but- hearts are picky things.
He makes me miss my friend.
I'm going to see him tomorrow....I can feel it.
Sigh...
It's probably my fault.
I wore a low cut dress with a slit up the side. I got a lot of stares. I'm sorry.
I mentioned my stalker to a lawmaker trying to get her to see that $250+ dollars for a background check to get a concealed carry permit is crazy when one wants to protect herself.
Now, all the guys I know that overheard my conversation want to protect me.
Uh.....
NO!
I'm going to bed.
I'm scared to death.
I'm lonely but I only have eyes for one of them.
This is weird.
What do I do?
I miss my friend's voice.
G'night.
S.
Dear universe, Yes, I like bald men with big blue eyes. I like them in my age range. Yeah, I like the ones that communicate well. I like the ones who aren't afraid to make men in power tremble. I like the ones who let me use my full power. Yes, I love them when they are liberty minded. I don't care if they have money. I like them best when they don't need to flaunt it. You know what I like... But... one is enough. I only want the one that is best for me. No more.... No more sexy emails... No more offers to teach me how to shoot a gun.... I know how to do that, by the way.... I'm not even sure what gun he wants me to shoot.... but please.... Not right now. Let me deal with the man in front of me. Please....
