Today I am thankful for philosophy.
So, early this morning my friend leaves some philosphical drivel that could be described as a layman's description of transactional analysis. He wrote something akin to 'I love you if my needs are met and visa versa'.
Okay....he was tying it to a political post. He misspelled the word "of course" to read "coarse".
And yeah, he was being a tad bit coarse but he taught me a couple of things about myself.
He's always been a good mirror for me.
He's always been a good mirror for me.
Yes, I like philosophy but not at 6:00 in the morning on snowy days when I'm slip sliding around on the road.
Yes, I like philosophy about psychology but not about love, sexual desire, and all the fun stuff while I'm on Facebook and someone connected with my ex is signing into my account.
Love...
it is partly about needs getting met.
But above that, it is about communicating about those needs.
It is a feeling that I can't describe. He's special. I don't know why. If I could name exactly why I think he's special, I don't think I'd love him. I can name little things I adore about him but it's the whole package that makes him special.
He won't call me. He'll call me if he thinks I'm leaving town due to a threat my stalker made on Twitter.
He's going to have to call me. Posting it to Facebook will only serve to get my stalker all up in arms on a social networking website.
Let me take things one step at a time.
My dear friend is a Libertarian. He's always preaching about taking responsibility for one's own needs. As much as I fantasize about helping him prevent prostrate cancer, he's going to have to find other means of getting that done.
One must be discreet. One must be careful not to piss off a stalker. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Until then, it's going to be hard to get me under the sheets.
Besides, I can't run off and destroy my financial future now. Trust me, no one wants a relationship with a woman working three jobs just to make ends meet. Let me fix the mess. It shouldn't take long.
I'm trying to tie up the lose ends. I'm realizing that leaving a narcissist creates a situation where the issues are ongoing. That's why it has taken me six years to divorce. This is the final fire. If he won't let me put this one out, his house is going to burn down.
As for my friend, I'll tell him what is going on so he can make an informed decision.
As I write this, I realize that I am having severe trust issues with men who won't communicate with me in person. There were years during my marriage where my ex only communicated with me on Facebook.
That doesn't do much for one's sex life.
I don't know....
My friend claims that he is the one with trust issues. I think he's a mirror for me there.
Maybe I simply do not trust my friend enough. He's making everything public prior to it being said in private. It seems a little narcissistic on some level. It may not be that way. He may be trying to spare me getting my arse kicked if my stalker gets a hold of my cell phone. He may be trying to keep my stalker from getting photos of us together. I don't know.
The stalker probably has print-outs of his email conversations based on the hacks into my Facebook account.
What is worse?
Maybe I just don't trust men.
After more than two decades trying to run away from a narcissist, I don't do the show thing very well.
I'm going to need more therapy before getting into a relationship. Scratch that...I think we have a friendship type-of relationship. I need more therapy before getting into an intimate one.
I'm beginning to want to eat something horrible for me. When I think of my friend all by himself, I eat chocolate. I'm wondering if I'm not subconsciously trying to make myself undesirable.
He expressed his love for me after I chunked out. So, I'm going to guess this goes deeper than appearances.
I don't like fat sex, so I am working on dropping the weight. I have a fear of squishing him and I know that with a little creativity, that will not happen. I know that the doc is going to put me on a protein shake diet to help even out my blood sugar. I know my friend would offer to help me save money on meals.
Sigh... I see the doc again on Friday and the specialist on Tuesday. The weight is going to go.
It'll be more fun that way. Besides, my size 8 clothes are hot!!
Love ya,
S.
Edit 7/27/15 - It's been over 15 months since I wrote this post and I notice that someone has been reading this post over and over. I wanted to know why it has become suddenly popular.
I cringed when I saw the first paragraph about Steve needing to have his needs met. He loved me so long as I met his needs. The problem was that his needs were too much. He was all that counted. My needs didn't count. He had a need to lie about me to triangulate others into the relationship. He had a need to choke me and to humiliate me. I couldn't take it anymore.
I was so blinded by love that I didn't see the telltale sign of a Borderline Personality - their needs are all that count.
If anyone ever tells you that they will love you so long as their needs are met - RUN!
If you read my current posts, you'll learn that my stalker died. The stalking hasn't stopped. Her former boyfriend still hangs out in front of the house and blocks my car in the driveway when I have places to go. Someone is breaking things on my porch on the days my ex-husband is out of the country. My ex-husband is blaming Steve. I'm pretty sure it is my former in-laws. I have decided to move out of state and am in the process of selling my home.
The problem, though, is Steve sent me a few text messages threatening to stalk me....so....it muddles the issue when I take it to the police. Steve also sent me an email telling me that he cannot be held responsible for what his family chooses to do to me. Steve was playing on my biggest fear - my fear of repeating the experience I've endured from Michael and his sister.
If I didn't do what Steve wanted me to do, he'd threaten me. He also threatened to have me put in a mental institution (like he claimed to have done to his previous wives). I've got a master's degree in psychology and as a practicing psychotherapist, I see shrinks on a routine basis. He would NOT have succeeded. I was annoyed that he made that threat. He also threatened to lie to the cops in order to get a restraining order against me (yeah...he made that threat after threatening to stalk me).
There are people who will threaten you if you cannot meet their endless pit of need. Again - if anyone loves you solely because you meet his or her needs - run....run away...do not look back! A warning to the men who see this - most people diagnosed with BPD are women. Please pay attention to that warning sign
Love ya,
S.