Today I am thankful for understanding the reason why men who are attracted to me cause me run off.
I really don't think I'm good enough.
Six years without sex does something to a woman. I feel ugly as sin.
I really feel ugly.
I think I've started to pick myself apart.
My teeth aren't white enough. My breath is never fresh enough. My make-up is never right. My clothes don't fit right. I'm never thin enough. The pores on my skin are too big. The stretch marks on my skin are a turn off. Maybe between the time between my shower and the moment a guy hits on me all the shaven hair on my leg miraculously grows back.
I've spent years wondering why I'm not good enough for a 500+ pound guy.
I can't imagine why anyone would want me.
I should mention that I did seek therapy for this. I couldn't do it though. I'm not going to have insurance much longer and the therapist on the insurer's plan was insane.
Apparently her mother was murdered when she was a teen and I triggered her anger over her mother becoming a victim.
The therapist doesn't understand psych ethics. I am considering logging a complaint against her with the regulatory agencies for breaking a couple of ethics rules. I may not. She was young and doesn't know what she' s doing yet.
No one taught her to ask open questions. That's what made it uncomfortable.
Yes or no questions lead clients. It's bad. She only asked me leading questions. I left feeling like a stupid pile of shit. The lady ridiculed me for not going to the police earlier about the stalking.
She phrased her queries as "you mean to tell me that you let the stalking go for twenty-one years without doing anything?" -and- "Your sister-in-law tried to get into your house and you did not call the cops?"
I called the police several times due to the stalking. There were calls to the cops in 1998, 1999, 2001, 2002, 2011, 2012 and 2013. They can't do anything because by the time Mike or Shannon admit to stalking me, the statute of limitations is up.
I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel ugly.
So....
I'll take this one step further. The therapy session made me feel like crap. The lady couldn't take me as a patient because I reflected her childhood pain back to her.
I feel like a loser.
Then she wanted to put me on drugs. This was fifteen minutes after meeting her. Drugs are highly profitable but master's level therapists shouldn't prescribe them, especially when my family doctor doesn't approve of them.
When the therapist asked me what degree I had, she nearly fell on the floor when I told her. I told her that I had the same degree she had. She changed her tune then and stopped judging me. The drug issue died right there, too.
Most therapists would use CBT at this point. But....she's a kid. She doesn't know what she's going. I'd be better off doing it myself.
Yeah....
The therapist was sooo bad, that she wanted me to prepay for a session in cash in case I missed one. She claimed that she had an entire file cabinet full of bills for people who failed to show up for subsequent appointments, so she wanted to be compensated one missed appointment fee in advance. Methinks that therapist needs to work on rapport building with her clients.
I never rescheduled. I'm going to tell all my doctor friends to never refer to that practice....ever. I'm considering leaving a review on Yelp, too. Look, therapists like that make everyone in my industry look like shit!!
She's that f'ing bad!!
I felt good most of the day despite the idiotic therapist.
Now, I am feeling depressed. I know why. It is guilt over unintentionally hurting someone.
After seeing Steve's latest post on Facebook, I decided to let him go.
I love him but I'm obviously hurting him by not ending my mess early enough. He has claimed that I'm playing games. I'm not playing games. I'm thinking he's playing games by refusing to talk to me in person. People who love each other talk. If he can't talk to me, then it's not love.
I guess it's time to let go.
Besides....
I'm old. I'm saggy. I'm baggy.
I'm not a catch at all.
Besides, I don't let my friends date crap. I feel like crap. I wouldn't let my friend go out with me. He deserves better.
Maybe if I give up on love, Mike will actually sign the papers without messing around. It's a narcissism thing; it will be easier for him if he gets to move on with someone else and I don't. It'll feed his ego.
Love makes me feel insecure. I hate the thought of potentially hurting another human being. That's why I'm picky about when and who I date or befriend anyone.
I'm sorry.
I'm off to sob in my pillow again.
Love ya,
S.