Today I am thankful for truth because I sure miss it.
I'm still a little angry.
Okay, I'm very angry.
I need to get away from the crap in order to process it.
He's pissed me off.
Few survive the wrath of Siegfred; lives get changed when I get mad.
No one escapes it.
No one.
I'm realizing that I've been lied to quite a bit.
I trusted someone I shouldn't have again.
I don't know.
I received a phone call from our adult daughter today.
Her boyfriend broke up with her two years ago. They have a kiddo together. Shortly after the baby was born, he moved out of her apartment to be with another woman. It didn't work out and his name was still on the lease. She let him come back. He hasn't left despite making it clear that they were no longer a couple. It's been about eighteen months now.
She found another guy. He's a sweetheart. He's had his eye on her for awhile.
Now, her flatmate ex found out she's interested in another guy and is trying to make her feel guilty for wanting to move out.
Oh, that sounds familiar!!!
I realize that I taught her to put up with this crap.
She's doing exactly what I did.
Okay, that is exactly what I do.
I fall for every suicide threat. I fall for every rage attack. I fall for every sob story and promise that if I just stay to help him with something, he'll move on in acceptance.
He never does.
I told her that I was the last person that she should take relationship advice from.
My legal meeting was cancelled until Wednesday.
Looking for work was disheartening for me today. I'm overqualified for many of the jobs and underqualified for others. I ended up spending the day helping a couple of students learn techniques to increase their academic success.
It was a nice diversion.
I think I'm slowly going crazy.
I need some time to get to the truth.
I wouldn't know the truth right now if it came up and bit me on the nose.
I don't trust anything that I knew yesterday.
I'm going to take some time and try to sort it out.
I'm not sure if I can sort it out.
It's pretty sordid.
There are some crazy things going on that help me see the truth.
I'm not going to bitch about it anymore; it'll bring the crap closer.
Maybe the stalking is just a rouse to keep me here. Actually, it is. It keeps him connected to me and keeps me talking to him.
It was explained to me today that I'm in danger of dying in a suicide/murder arrangement.
He is lying when he says we are divorcing. I'm the other one working towards actually getting that done.
It's funny. I have to beg for money just to feed the kids. He offered to give $20 to someone pretending to be homeless. He literally pulled a cash roll out of his pocket and offered her money.
How does one know a real homeless person from a fake one? It's the teeth.
The teeth are the first thing to go when someone has been on the streets for a long time. That's how I tell. Impoverished people, even those with homes, have a difficult time accessing dental care.
Sigh....
Maybe if I sell my bass, saxophones, and clarinet, I'll get the funds to rent that office with the high tech security system,
maybe then the game will end.
It's time to sell my crap and just do whatever it takes to move on.
I'll just....
hope and pray.
It'll work out. I know it.
Love ya,
S.