Today I am thankful for middle age because it means that I'm half dead.
If for some f'ed up reason I have to stay in this house with the ex in the basement, I won't have to do it for more than forty years.
My ex wants me back!
Oh, gawd...he wants me back!
He walked out on me the first time in 1999. He did it numerous times over the years. He did it in 2008 and after a week, I nearly changed the locks. He left again in 2011 but I let him back when he promised to help me get a divorce.
We've been talking about a divorce since 2007!
He has his room. His relationship status has been listed as Separated -or- Complicated forever. He told me f'ck other men years ago.
He only wanted me here for appearance sake and promised that if I stayed to help him get a job, he'd cooperate with a divorce. He lied. He's been f'ing around with money and credit so I can't leave.
He was hired in 2012.
I had to stay 18 months waiting for a bankruptcy to clear. Yeah, he claimed he put all our money in his 401K and stopped paying the bills.
That was a shock.
Then he lied about filing the bankruptcy paperwork.
He said he did that to keep me here.
I was shocked at the decimation of our 401K, my credit, and our bank accounts.
He admitted today that he knew I was wanting to leave him in 2001 when he refused to let me have anesthetic in the hospital because he was tired and believed that I would just fall asleep and not feel pain.
My memory of it was that I was in severe pain and asked the nurse for help and he bellowed over me so she couldn't hear me. I lay in pain for five hours before someone had the chance to hear that I needed help.
That's a narcissist for you. They have no empathy. You are an extention of them. If they feel no pain, well...neither do you!
Despite knowing that I really shouldn't care anymore...
I tried.
I honestly tried to entertain the possibility of it ending in a legal separation rather than a divorce.
I'd never have sex again but maybe the kids would be happier.
The stalking would have to stop.
He's not willing to put an end to the stalking.
I'd have to be allowed to work.
He'd have to look at the reasons why he freaks out when I earn money.
Nope...he says he's selfish and won't change.
Ummmm.....
What am I supposed to do?
It has to be a divorce.
It's pretty clear to me.
I've overstayed my welcome.
We had two good years before his mother started lying about me. He started sleeping apart from me in 1999. He'd come back. His mother would act out and he'd leave again.
He doesn't love me.
To this day, if I start talking, he'll either interrupt me, shout over me, or walk off.
This is difficult to deal with .
I'm trying to clean up the small details. If I can get something signed before I file, it'll cost only $1,300. If not, it'll cost $14,000 and the court will probably order him to pay most of the legal fees.
It's best if we work together but that is simply not happening.
He wants the kids to stay with the house.
I agree that is probably what ought to be done to minimize their pain.
I don't have the money or credit to fix up the house anymore.
I can't sell it on my own.
I don't have the income to pay the mortgage.
I can't buy him out of his half.
It may be smarter for him to keep the house and buy me out of my half. The house payment is cheaper than rent.
It appears that my only option is to sign over custody and the house to him. I wanted to set up a firm move out date.
He didn't like that idea.
He wants me here.
I can't leave or the kids will be neglected, he says.
Here's the catch, he won't leave.
One of us is going to have to leave.
It's like he wants us to be divorced but living together.
I've done the separation/cohabiting thing too long.
I've been celibate for years and as long as I'm in this house with a male, I won't be able to end that horrid celibacy streak.
Why would a man want to live with a woman he can't f'ck?
This must be a game to him.
I want out.
I kept my promises.
He didn't keep his.
This was supposed to be over by now.
I'm trying to be fair and I'm just hurting myself.
I asked if we could go back to having a visitation schedule, so I knew when I could leave the house.
He walked off and refused to answer the question.
This is really starting to piss me off.
May the lawyer have better news for me tomorrow. I see him tomorrow night. His office is next to the one I want to rent. I get to look at the office again tomorrow. If I borrow money to start a new business, will it get taken from me in the divorce?
I should probably wait.
The office has an amazing security system. If I get an android phone, the landlord will program it to get a direct feed of the security camera system to avoid my stalker. I like this landlord. He used to be a political advisor for a democrat politician I know.
It really is a small world.
It won't be long before I can move ahead.
The bankruptcy isn't quite over but it shouldn't be long now. We've passed the hearings, so any debt we take on now we have to pay. I didn't feel right about signing an agreement with a lawyer until after that date.
Karma...I have to pay for everything lest I have crappy money karma.
I do partly blame Obama. The damn IRS is holding up the tax refund; the bankruptcy judge said we could keep it. My intention was to split it with my ex and use my half to pay the lawyer.
I need out.
I can't do this much longer.
It is incredibly painful.
Love ya,
S.