Epiphanies

Today I am thankful for epiphanies.

I am going to try to make this as short and sweet as I possibly can. 

I think that I am in danger.

One of my in-laws contacted my ex-husband about my move out of state to get away from the stalking.

I don't know why this bugs me. 

It just does. 

He claims he hasn't spoken to them for well over a year.

I don't know. 

He swears up and down that I am in no danger.  He says that his sister  or another relative will try to approach me to ask me to stay in Colorado.  They may try to intimidate me, he says, but he knows that they will not harm me.

He thinks he can get Shannon to sign a statement saying she will leave me alone.  If he produces proof that the stalking is over, I will stay.

I don't believe that at all. 

I don't believe a signed statement will be proof that it is over.

I do believe that his sister would do far more than rough me up if she had the chance.

If I turn up blue in the next few days, it is due to this issue.  Take a look at Michael's Facebook feed.

*****

I know who my stalker really is.

I need to get away from his control.

This is why I am anxious. 

This is why I obsess over the stalking when he is near me or when I am in the house Shannon tried to break into. 

I need to find a way to get away. 
I am still trying to figure out how this happened and how this turned into a threat.  I just wanted to stop the stalking so I could get a job.  If I work, he won't have to pay alimony.  The best chance of me keeping a job is if I can get away from my stalking in-laws.

*****

I think I know why my in-laws like drama so much.  It keeps them distracted from real life.  It helps them control other people.  It is a complete waste of time.  I know what I need to do to take control now.

Love ya,

S. 







Home Prices in Kansas (with edits)

Today I am thankful for boring places....like Kansas.

I awoke this morning with an epiphany.

I must sell the house and move the kids as far away from the stalking as humanly possible.

My ex-husband does not like the idea.

I do not like it either.  

The children can get scholarships here.  If we move, they lose those opportunities.

I don't know what else to do.

I'd prefer that my kids have student loans and be saddled with debt if it prevents them from being killed by a psycho with a gun.

Besides.... I can't afford the cost of living where I am unless I want to go back to celebrity status.  I'm not really famous -but- in order to do what I do and make money, I have to be in the public eye.  Being in the public eye invites more stalking.  Right now, I'm trying to hide from everyone and everything until the stalking blows over.

I don't understand why my in-laws are trying to break into my home.  I do not understand why they leave weird stuff on my porch, follow me around, glare at me, and call me Satan.

I don't think it will stop. 

I do not think I am safe.

I certainly do not think the children are safe.

It is time to move.

Shannon is too lazy to drive to Kansas.

I think I'll go back to my former name.

It was a Duran Duran song.

I know that Shannon remembers that.

I'll certainly be a misfit in the land of Korn.

Okay...it is more like the land of GMO wheat.

I can buy a house the same size as the one I have now for the cost of my equity minus realtor fees.

I'm seriously looking at that. 

Or else.....

I can pay some poor soul to pretend to marry me.

Nah.....I don't hate other people like that.

Now, my ex-husband says that he can prove that Shannon is done stalking me.  He thinks that if he can prove that her acts of violence are over because she agrees to leave me alone, the judge won't permit me to move.

Shannon would never sign anything like that.  

I don't think Shannon is acting alone.

Do you know why?

My ex-husband wants to move in with me at the new house. 

He wants to move with me to Kansas.

It is incredibly hard for me NOT to believe that he's the stalker now.

Please pray for me.

Love,

S.

Next Morning Edit:


I am 100% sure that my ex-husband is my stalker and that he is putting his sister up to doing his dirty work.  Why do I say this?

I tried to talk to him about problem solving the issue.  If he doesn't want me moving to Kansas, maybe we can find a new way for the stalking to end here.

Well....that didn't work out very well.  He got defensive, crossed his arms and refused to give me eye contact.  Then he started to criticize me.


He doesn't want me to see Steve.  He literally forbade me from seeing Steve. He said he was a distraction but wouldn't say what Steve was distracting me from.




My ex-husband wants to try to control my weekends.  He wants to know what my plans are for the coming weekends.




He's still living here. 


He's trying to control my daily life.  The divorce agreement gives him a discount on child support if he picks up the kids from school.  There is a 50% chance each day that he will follow through and, quite often, I end up dropping what I am doing to pick them up.


No...he doesn't have to pay child support as long as he's living here.  I'd just like to know when I need to be here to pick up the kids.  I hate it when I'm told that he will do it and he does not. 




I am realizing that so long as I give into him on little things, letting him control the television, the vehicles, my time, my energy, and so on.....he's still going to stalk me.



This morning I made it unequivocally clear that I would NEVER have sex with, romance him, or even marry him again.  I told him that I am having trouble desiring sex with anyone so long as I am enduring the stalking so following me around is really not going to bring any dirty pictures or fruit that can be used to control me. I told him that I will never be able to have sex with him due to my inability to trust him.



Perhaps in my efforts of trying to be a friend to my ex-husband, I have created a situation where the control and stalking still exist.



It is being done to control me.  The refusal to honor the divorce agreement and share the assets is another means to control me.  I'm trying to get away but am still finding myself stuck.



This is why I am depressed.




I need to make it clear that things need to change.



Running off to Kansas is probably taking it a tad bit too far.




I'll ponder this a little bit more.

Anger & Panic Attacks

Today I am thankful for the gift of fear.

I sense that something is going to happen.  I awoke with a panic attack at 4:00 again today.


I've had them on and off today. 


The cops tell me that my ex-husband is my stalker.  My ex-husband swears up and down that he is a stalking victim.  He claims that his sister is stalking him and harassing me in order to annoy him.

He doesn't want to move out of the house.  He refuses to split the accounts.  He is not taking our divorce seriously at all. 

I am at a loss.


This seems weird.  I am tired to talking about it.  I am near the point of selling the house just to be sure I can get away from it all. 


I found a website today that listed signs of a stalking ex.  I'll post them below.   I will highlight the things that Michael has done to me in yellow.  I will highlight the things his sister has done to me in green.  Things that have happened but I do not know who has done it will be highlighted in blue.

Here it is:

WHEN YOUR PARTNER STARTS STALKING

Over 50% of ex-partner stalking started before they left their partner (Mullen, Pathe and Purcell, 2009)

1. They become demanding/controlling, they want to know who you are texting, e-mailing, what you are saying.  They are suspicious, perhaps even paranoid. 
2. They are contacting you multiple times a day asking you to confirm where you are at – if you are at an unusual place and they seem to know - suspect that they have put some geo location software on your phone. 
3. They start sending aggressive, abusive or threatening texts. 
4. They start to contact your friends and family trying to check up on you, get information about you, or trying to damage those relationships. 
5. They start to spread rumors, put abusive, embarrassing comments online via social network, forums etc. 
6. They seem to know information that you haven’t told them or know what you do online such as websites you’ve gone to, people you’ve chatted or sent e-mails to etc – suspect spyware on your computer  
7. Your passwords stop working or keep changing. 
8. You find e-mails marked read that you haven’t read, or e-mails sent from your account you haven’t sent. 
9. Money starts going missing from your online bank account or goods being bought via online stores you use. 
10. Information is deleted such as friend’s contacts, computer files, e-mails.

I guess I am realizing that the stalking isn't quite done.  I am realizing two choices before me.  I can harm the kids, sell everything, change my name and move away.  Or I can let the guy stay here and get whatever the hell he wants.


The problem gets worse when I start doing things for myself.  Maybe if I pull back he'll leave me alone.  It could buy me time to figure out what is truly going on.
My phone has downloaded something that has used 93% of its memory.  I put a 32GB card it in.
Two weeks ago, the frame was pried open on my laptop.
I don't understand what is going on.  I am freaking out a little bit.

I am not safe. 


I wish I knew what to do. 

After what I have experienced with Steve, I am beginning to believe that I may be personality disordered.  I cannot believe that I have this many interpersonal problems with men.  I pissed Nick off because I don't want to tell him what is going on.  He's adorable.  He's hot.  He has a lot in common with me.  I miss sex. I will not allow myself to be tempted.

I'm finding myself incredibly depressed.  I did a spell to try to help me feel better.  It seems to be working. 

Now, I'm off to light a candle and present two steaks to Ares in order to stay safe from the stalking.

I hope this works.


Love ya,


S.

Another Day, Another Cheesecake

Today I am thankful for my enabling ex-husband.

Michael buys me cheesecake, ice cream, and chocolate when Steve acts out.

I do eat it. 


Okay, I am not thankful that he does that per se. 


I DO see the wisdom in eating a lot of fattening foods when you are not fit for romance.  It makes me fat.  NO man wants to see me naked when I am fat. 


I get to break up for being fat and letting myself go.  I don't have to address what is really going on. 


What is really going on?


Steve is being hyper-judgmental and I am recognizing the need to let him go. 

*****


It's been a long weekend.


I pissed off Nick because I won't tell him what is going on in my personal life. 


That would create intimacy.


I'm not ready for that right now. 

*****


I spent the weekend volunteering for a political party.  When I walk in the room, everybody knows my name. 

The head of the party hates me.  He rolls his eyes when people talk about me.  He's always telling me that I'm not liberty oriented enough.  I do a lot of work with the Republican party fighting corporate welfare and regressive taxes.  The head of our party complains that it is NOT libertarian to fight laws that give tax payer subsidies and moral pledge obligation agreements to select businesses.  A moral obligation pledge is a promise that the taxpayers will pick up any debt that such a business cannot repay.

This is wrong. 

I think that this guy doesn't like me so he complains about anything that I do.  I am trying so very hard not to complain about him but this is easier said than done.  He and the other male board members have secret meetings at a local strip bar.  My sister is a stripper.  I don't think she'd lie to me.  The women on the board are getting a little bit irritated, too.

It is a small world and it is really hard to hide immoral behavior. I'll be more active when we get a new leader in the party.


I am trying very hard to respect him.  I am realizing that the less I say to him, the more I respect him. I will never understand why men criticize women without listening to them.  The only thing that I can fathom is that they have underlying personal issues and complaining about women takes the focus away from themselves.
*****


I walked into a meeting and the chairperson had to tell me that the guy who owns the local conspiracy theorist prepper pantry had a crush on me.  It's so cute.  He has a little store in Inglewood and it is next to the charity thrift store that I frequent. 


I visit the store every Saturday and wave at the man as I pass by.  We met a few years ago when we wanted to fight some anti-constitutional legislation.  I guess he forgot meeting me. 

Last week, I walked by at my usual time.  He sat by the window and waved back.  He pointed me out to a couple of people visiting the store and they knew who I was.  One of them is the head of my political party.  He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend.

He doesn't see me with a man when I pass by on Saturdays.


I don't know how to answer that question.


*****
Last weekend, Steve complained that I threw my ex-husband away by divorcing him.  My ex-husband still lives here.  I kept him company throughout his surgeries.  I still do his laundry.  I clean up after him.  I'm not sure that this counts as throwing someone away.

In fact, I'd feel more comfortable if I had less to do with my ex-husband.  What does Steve want me to do?  Remarry my ex?

*****

The last time I had a conversation with Steve was Tuesday.  He was complaining that he thought that I never loved him.  He claimed that he believed the only reason I was with him is that I couldn't say no.


I couldn't drill down to the underlying assumptions of that belief because he wanted to go to bed.


*****

Now, Steve is complaining that I do not nurture my relationships.  He went on to say that this is why I do not make any money in the real world.


Oh....gawd....I don't know. 


The stalking has nothing to do with my pulling back?

How does he know I'm not earning money?  


*****

I don't know what to think about this.  I find myself exhausted and at a loss for words whenever this occurs. I find myself trying to avoid spending time with Steve.  I don't even like to answer his emails or telephone calls anymore.

The constant criticism is dragging me down. 
I spend a heck of a lot of time and energy trying to understand what Steve is complaining about. 


Truth be told, I do not understand his complaints.  Complaining that I do not foster relationships and offering up that as an explanation for my not making $100,000 a year leaves me at a loss.  Is he complaining that I do not foster relationships with other people?  With him? Or do I need to charge my friends when I babysit their kids or hypnotize them to stop smoking?


I'm seriously thinking about never speaking to Steve again.

I am spending hours trying to understand.  It is zapping my energy.  This keeps me from creating new products, meeting new people, networking and taking care of myself.


He could be depressed.  He could be drinking.  He could be seeing another woman.

I don't know.

I am to the point that I cannot take it anymore.





I really do not think that I have any choice but to break up with him for good.  It's hard to believe he loves me if he is so judgmental.  I'm not what he wants if he is bent on changing who I am. 

There is a chance that this is alcoholism rearing its ugly head.  It takes a lot of energy dealing with the negativity.  I want to wash my hands of it.  I can't do this anymore.



I guess I'll wait until this evening to give him the news.  I don't want to impact his job.  I could wait until Friday, too. Mulling it over too long will impact me.


*****
You know, there are two different types of head games. 

There are those that insecure men play in order to fish for compliments.  They cause trouble in their relationships to see if women want to fight for them.  These kind of games drive the women they love insane.  Eventually the women run off to play the second kind of head games with other men.


The second type of head games involve licking and sucking.  If I'm gonna play with a guy's head, those are the games that I prefer to play.   I want to know how many licks it takes to make the volcano erupt. 

Then, I'll see if I can get a hotter score the next time we play.

Those kind of games are much more fun.





Love ya,

S.

Update several hours later:

I get it!


I finally get it!!

I know what is going on!!!


Steve wants to break up with me, so he's being an a-hole so I'll do the dirty work.


Oh, that's easy. 


I'm so damn slow!!


I'll let you know how it goes.

Getting Rid of Psychic Gunk (edited)

Today I am thankful that the clouds are starting to lift.

I am still ignoring men.  I am ignoring the men I love.  I am ignoring the men who slap my ass.  I am trying to take time to process all of the negative feedback that I receive. 


I am not sure how to handle it though. 


I want to know why I attract dark emotional people who try to break my heart. 


I am trying to process all of the negative criticism that has come my way over the past six months.


I haven't slept well in three weeks. 


I realized, though, the negative criticism is NOT about me.


The man who complains that I don't do anything all day wishes he could work for himself.


The man who complains that you never loved him, - well, he never loved you.


The man who is claims that he knows more than any psychotherapist on the planet, needs a lot of therapy.


It goes on and on.


I have let myself be a male toxic thought waste dump. 


I'm not sure if it would have been easier to be a slutty sperm receptacle.


I don't know what to do. 


I am letting my ex's negative thoughts clutter my world.


I don't know where I stand with Steve.  Some of my friends refer to him as my ex.  Others tell me to stay away.  Some tell me he loves me.  I don't know.  I really cannot live like this anymore.


I guess it does not matter.  If he is meant to be with me, things will change.  If not, things will change. 


I'll throw my hands up and let the chips fall where they may. 


I've got a job interview this afternoon. 


Wish me luck.


Love ya,


S.

Nightime Edit:

Well, it is super difficult to sell oneself at an interview when she remembers phrases in the back of her head like

"You're a sociopath."
"You call yourself a psychologist."
"You've got a lot of insecurities."

There were other little tidbits about me not doing political work or doing anything all day that went rounds in my head when people asked what my accomplishments are. 

My mind went blank. 

I did get some good feedback though.  The interviewers picked up on my empathy and my genuine desire to help others.  They suggested that I look into grant writing for a couple of non-profits or working at the county helping people get off of welfare.

I don't know....no government entity would hire me.  I've fought a lot of tax hikes.

Hmmmmm.......maybe they will hire me if they think they can shut me up. 

I am still very sad.  I can't handle the negativity in my life. 

I'm still living with an ex who causes me to question my reality.  Now, I have (or maybe had) a boyfriend who would put me down every few weeks when he felt bad about himself.

I'm in pain.  I'm about to swear off love, sex, and all of that.  I feel ugly and hideous.  I feel unf*ckable.  I want a day without tears. 

I truly think that I have to get away from people who put me down.  It doesn't matter if I love them. 

I love me.  I have a family to support.  I cannot deal with that kind of negativity anymore. 

If that doesn't work, I'll try Zoloft.

2 + 2 = 4

Today I am thankful for basic reasoning skills.

I spent the past weekend hearing about how insecure I am. 
I felt intensely scrutinized and criticized by Steve.
I also heard about how Steve claimed that I tried to start a fight by disagreeing with him.  He went out of his way to threaten me to insure that I would never come back.




I heard that there was another woman but he claimed he wasn't interested in her.
Last night, I learned that Steve feels like I never loved him.  He claimed that I couldn't say "no" and he picked a fight to give me an out.  The thing that pisses me off about that is that Steve has actually met men that have been told NO!  One was told NO to sex.  Several were told NO to dates.


He actually told other people that he thought that I couldn't say no and never loved him.  I am incredibly embarrassed by that.


*****



My sense is that he is projecting his insecurities onto me.


His insecurities cause him to become emotionally abusive. I don't think he means to do that.  I think those emotional toxic dumps are what he does when he is hurting.  I think all those evil things he writes about me are things he thinks about himself.
I don't know. 

I think the other woman may have been the catalyst for the last conflict.  Maybe....just maybe...if he chased me away, he could seriously consider the other connection. 


*****


Steve's not the only one being offered other doors.  I am avoiding Nick....still.  There is a bass musician event this Sunday.  If enough people register and I'm sure that I can get lost in the crowd and not be easily found, I'll go.  He's lonely.  I'm lonely.  We have far too much in common.  This is a lethal combination.  Even if I cut ties completely with Steve today, it would be an insult to latch onto someone else so quickly.

Besides, I feel all negative and gunky.  I need to get the negative energy off of me before hanging out with any man. 

*****

Yes, I am a little shocked that Steve thought that I never loved him.

There are five distinct love languages.  Love languages are the way in which we tend to show love to other people. If he didn't feel loved by me, it is possible that I didn't utilize his model of love. In truth,  I thought I had hit all of the following love languages.

1.) Words of Affirmation
2.) Quality Time
3.)  Acts of Services
4.) Gifts
5.) Physical Touch


His love languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.


Mine are Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation.


I don't know.

I truly do not want to be with a man who emotionally abuses me every time he feels insecure.  I know it will happen again.  This hurts me deeply.


*****


There is a spell I can do tomorrow to kill the connection.  I am seriously considering it.  This is probably hurting both of us too darn much.


Love isn't enough, is it? 
Love ya,


S.

27 Days

Today I am thankful for cycles.

I made myself sick over the weekend.

I did go to the Pagan Festival with Steve.  I bought the tickets, we may as well use them.

We shared a tent. I spent a good chunk of the time crying.  Crying makes me look funny and gives me sinus problems which, in turn, leads to bad breath, no kissing, and no fun.  Steve kept talking about my insecurities.  He's a little concerned that I spend so much time worrying about my appearance that we don't get around to having horizontal polka parties.

When I'd ask if I need to work through my insecurities before entering into a romantic relationship,  he'd get upset.  We'd go rounds.  I'd start to cry.  I couldn't sleep.  It was weird. 

I feel incredibly judged by Steve.  There is one point where he implies that I "sit around the house all day" which really hurt me.  At that moment, I realized that I DO NOT want a relationship until I have a 9-5 job that has measurable hours and a consistent paycheck.  Voice over and hypnotherapy is not consistent.  It is invisible work.  When I miss a day because my voice is gone, I spend the next two catching up.  That comment hurt me the worst.  He's right though, compared to who I was before I met him, I do NOT do a thing.  I haven't given a speech in two years.  I haven't pulled a $2,000 week in two years.  I haven't been published since 2010.   I DO NOT do the things that I want to do.

Our trip was NOT romantic at all.  I don't want to say how I characterized the weekend because it is not polite.  I describe it as the two Fs: Fucking Fighting.

I heard Nick's band play at the event.  I could feel his bass move the earth.  The drummer seemed to be doing a decent job.  It was his first gig with the band.  He lead singer's voice sounded a little sharper, like it was calling for my attention. 

I didn't get to see them.  I was on the other side of the hill, trying to do the right thing.  I was trying to talk it out with Steve.  I was trying to find common ground, even if we can't be lovers.  I wanted to see if we could salvage the friendship.  

I don't know if I managed to get to any new understandings with Steve.

I learned that there was another woman pursing him that he had a slight interest in. 

He learned that I developed an interest in another man but wasn't in a place where I wanted to pursue any relationship at all.  In fact, I asked Steve what he wanted.  He wanted me to promise not to have sex with other men; a promise that I find incredibly easy to keep given my need for solitude.  He wanted me to promise to visit with him once a week.  That is easy to do, too.  The only problem is that our mutual friends are sick of the game playing. I can no longer be with Steve at any activities our mutual friends partake in. 


For this reason,  I give our relationship until Friday.  I predict that Steve and I will not be speaking by the weekend.  I left the non-violent communication group to spare the other members the drama.  He's going to be angry when I decide not to attend.


I know it sounds weird.  I know this to be true.  We've never gone 27 days without some type of bizarre conflict that gets me cut off from him.  We've been a public item for six months.  We've spent 50% of the time non-communicado.


I am learning that this is happening to my friends, too.  They'll say something he doesn't like.  He'll chastise them.  He'll openly criticize them and vow to never speak to them again.  They'll tell me to stay away from Steve.

*****

The weekend was full of synchronicities.  I lost my car keys somewhere in the forest.  It is NOT an easy task finding a car key lost in a national park.  I wanted to get the heck out of there but had no ability to do so.


I woke up at 6:00 on Sunday morning and began searching.  I was so angry at Steve that I could not speak to him.  He searched with me.  It was cold.  It was rainy.  Fortunately, the rain hid my tears. 


As I was walking through the camp, searching for my keys, I overheard a couple of crones gossiping.  One piped up


"I don't know what she sees in him.  He's a jerk.  He's mean.  He's arrogant."
The other interrupts,
"Yes, but he's good for her.  He grounds her."


I always believed that if you wait for the lesson, all of your troubles just unravel.  That must have been the lesson.  A woman found my keys a few minutes after that. 

I was tasked with driving Steve home. I bitched the entire drive back.  It was snowing.  Traffic sucked.  The two hour drive stretched out three hours.  I gave Steve many strong warnings.


"If you EVER call me "looser" again.....I will get sex organ enhancement surgery that will make me tight but kill my ability to orgasm."


"If you EVER call me a "sociopath" again....I will have sex with you and expect you to sign over the deed to your condo right away because sociopaths do things like that." 


"If you EVER send me a text saying "I deserve" and never finish the sentence again, I will assume that you deserve a surprise party with seven gay midgets who want to dress you up as Snow White."

"If you EVER threaten to ruin my reputation again, you will never get anything interesting in bed."


"If you EVER make a public display of a breakup game again, I may just pick a new sausage from the Sausage Parade."
He really has no clue how many men come out of the woodwork wanting to......uh.... comfort a vulnerable women.   I guess it took him four break-ups to understand what I meant when I referred to this stream of male vultures as the Sausage Parade.


I went on and on and on.  I dropped him off at home.  All he got for his trouble with a closed mouth peck.  My breath was bad.  I didn't want to share.


That's one of my faults, I b!tch until I say my peace.  I guess I need to learn how to let things go.


My throat is sore this morning, probably due to my constant complaining.  I am going to try drinking some lemon juice and catch up on my recordings. 


I have a job networking event this afternoon. 


I'm pretty busy for someone who sits at home all day doing nothing.


Love ya,


S.



Desires

Today I am thankful for defining at least one thing I want. 

I want a chastity belt.


I'm starting to develop a crush on Nick. I spent the last week avoiding him.  Last night, I had a wonderful conversation with him until midnight.  There were some things said that made it awfully hard to sleep.
I went to bed wondering if, perhaps, I need to move on.  I mean the universe brought me a guy who would let me practice my bass for eight hours straight without getting angry.  He'd let me listen to all the Bootsy I wanted.  He would understand why I need to practice until I can sound like Larry Graham before going to an audition.  Crap, he'd know who Larry Graham is.  I could be my Pagan self.  He'd understand my desire to sit in my recording studio all day. I could be my Liberty activist self.  I could watch all the movies I wanted to watch. 

I find it easier to talk to him about sensual stuff than Steve.   He makes me think the dirtiest thoughts.


Still....I don't know him well enough to say if we'll hit it off.  I've only met him twice.  Once at a charity auction, when I tripped over his feet.  A second time at a nightclub when his kilt started to fall off.  He was with other women at the time.


Yeah....I don't know. 

*****



This morning, while checking my email, I found one from Steve. Steve wants me to forgive him and spend the weekend with him.  He seemed excited that I would even talk to him at all.  He is okay with my celibacy and not wanting to be with him in an intimate fashion right now.

I wonder what he's up to.

*****

We are all going to the same Pagan festival for the next four days.


On the bright side, it will be at a camp ground where the showers are all cold!


This will NOT end well. 

The only thing I am learning from all of this is that I have a heck of a hard time with break-ups.  I really fear seeing new men until I clean up my life.

I'm off to get flowers for Isis.  May she send Steve, Nick, and I to the people we are meant to be with.



Love ya,


S.

Best Internet Comment Ever

Today I am thankful for Internet wisdom. 

Some unnamed guy wrote the absolute brightest pearl of wisdom I have ever read.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.



That sums up my experience over the past year with Steve. 


Breaking things that aren't broken,
kicking tires to see what is underneath the hood,
causing fights to find out what a woman is like when she is angry,
and playing mind games to see how she will react


will, in the end, insure that you'll end up with nothing.




My lesson is that if you let a man continue to play these kind of games with you, you'll wind up with the booby prize.




Love ya,


S.

Lucky Butterflies Escape the Killing Jar

Today I am thankful for escaping confining relationships.

Beltane is the holiday where women choose their mates.  I decided to go to the Pagan festival by myself. 

I wanted to go to get over my fear of sex and relationships.  I thought I would go with a partner.

I paid for the tickets.  I may as well go by myself. 

Maybe there is a reason why Steve and I broke up right before Beltane.  Maybe we are not right for each other.  Maybe I need to find another Pagan to do the great rite with me. 

I'm sure things will work out.

I'm still sitting at home and crying my eyes out.  When I'm not thinking of Steve, I'm think of the little boy that passed away, and a little girl two blocks away whose father has just died.

Life is full of pain. 

I should try to bring more love and joy into my environment no matter what is happening in my life.

This is what I am trying to do now.

*****

I am trying not to eat the ice cream my ex-husband keeps buying for me to soothe my broken heart.  I am allergic to ice cream. Instead, I am trying to work out more often so I can fit into my hot clothes.

My bass player buddy is pushing to 'hang out.'  I think he just wants to get to know me.  I'm trying to find a way to tell my bass player buddy that I have kids and that I'm a "looser." 

He lives just a mile away from me.  This could be a dangerous combination. 

How do I convince him that he doesn't want me? 
Nick is actually inspiring me to kick my job search in high gear.  If I'm too busy to meet him, I don't have to worry about disappointing him. 

*****
My neighbor ran up to me as I left the house today.  He wanted to know why I wasn't driving my mini-van.  He wanted to know who the crying man was at my front door.  He wanted to know who our city councilman was. 


I told him that I had to give my van to my ex-husband.  I told him that the crying man and I broke up because I couldn't get my life together.  I did not tell him that our new city councilman is a cad who likes to stare at my ass.


My neighbor is a coach.  He's a private-investigator.  He wants to have coffee to help me whip my life into shape.  I should NOT have given my van to my ex.  I should NOT have left a relationship because my ex wouldn't leave.  I should make sure our lazy cad of a city councilman does not win re-election.


He's only trying to help.
*****


I do find myself crying still.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I am finally feeling free of some of the negativity.  It was like those times Steve sent me nasty messages to put me in my place all left gunk on my psyche.  I still feel gunky from the stalking.  Each day it gets easier.

I think I know what happened with my former relationship.  I'm not submissive enough.  He wanted someone he could control and contain.  He wanted a woman who would agree with everything he said.  I think I figured out too late that he was trying to manipulate me.  I figured it out when he called me a sociopath.  I am NOT a sociopath.  I have had so many shrinks analyze me as part of my course of study, I would KNOW if I were a psycho.

It would seem that he was just looking for an excuse to break up and fight.  He made up things yet again to attack me.  He always assumed motives for me that I did not have.  He always assumed I was attacking him when I was not.  He would send me the most vile emails every few weeks.


I don't understand why a man does that.  Perhaps they do that when they do not want you?


Maybe his mother didn't like me.  I met her the day before he had his melt down. 


Maybe he actually believed that I thought so poorly of him.  I did not.  I just don't think I can put up with a relationship where I am terrified to say anything for fear of upsetting him.  I am questioning everything I say now. 


I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  I feel better not worrying about when the next thing I write will hurt another human being.  I can literally feel the clouds moving away and the sun coming out to shine. 

Still....I'm sure there is someone else out there that won't care that my bass guitar is worth more than my car.  He'll understand that my passion is politics and advocacy.  He'll understand why I give speeches and let people speak their minds. He will know I love him enough to see the best in him but I will never give him false assurances.  I will never lie to him.  I will speak the truth in full.

*****

On a positive note, my ex-husband is talking about moving out when they remove the cast from his arm.  Finally!!!  Woo hoo!!!


There is no reason to be alone.  I just have to find a guy who loves me for myself and lets me be the person I was made to be. 

Love ya,


S.

Rude Boys

 

Today I am thankful for goals.

 

My goal for May is to not get nasty, flirty and filthy with strange men.

 

This includes Steve.

 

Steve been pretty eff'in rude. 

 

You know, I'm surrounded by rude males. 

 

I'm not doing a very good job being boring and kind.

I just avoid them.

 

I attract a lot of strange men.  Probably because I'm strange and people tend to attract people into their lives who are just like they are.

 

Okay...that's good.

 

The only problem is that I can only handle one strange guy at a time. 

 

I also promised myself that I would start censoring my dirty mouth.

 

I have a friend who looks a little too familiar.  He smells a little too familiar.  I am staying a good distance from him.  When I write dirty things, he sees into it.  He chastises me for writing things dirty on blogs and social media when I am obviously in love with Steve.

 

The things I write are not necessarily dirty.  Someone has a dirty mind.

 

Ah....then the three weeks of peace passed and Steve had a meltdown over my alleged political leanings.

 

Now.....this guy's text messages overlapped Steve's meltdown messages. 

 

I put my phone in Airplane mode.

I have ignored both of them. 

I am needing some time away from men right now.

 

My phone has still been on Airplane Mode since last Monday.

 

I know this guy has been sending me text messages.

 

I know.... I did take my phone off airplane mode for five minutes.  I saw a message and put it right back on.

Then....then....I went online to look at my schedule for the next week.  I made the mistake of glancing at my feed. 

 

Do you want to know what he wrote?

 

I can't tell too much. 

 

It is akin to

 

"If you don't cry when you see emotional scenes in movies, a red-head has sucked out your soul!"

 

Oh.....

 

okay....

 

I want to tell him that a great guy with a red-head by his side should feel safe.  It's not his soul she wants to suck.

 

I can't. 

 

I want to be celibate.

 

So...I'm gonna be quiet. 

 

I'm going to be celibate.

 

I just had to put that out there so I didn't think like a pervert anymore.



I don't necessarily think of this guy when I have that thought.  I just have that thought. 

 

This is why I do not want to go to a pagan sex celebration by myself when a man who says such things will attend. 

 

This is weird.

 

See?  I can be rude, too!

At least my rudeness is FUN!!

I really wished I hadn't let anyone awaken my sexuality.

*****

 

Perhaps I should make more of an effort to be serious.

 

I do not know how to describe what happened when people ask.  I avoid people.  I can't do that much longer.  I think that I am going to tell people that I brought out the worst in Steve.

 

 

The truth is that there must be something that drives him nuts every New Moon.  I can go through the past year and find examples of him flipping out over innocent stuff, blocking people, and claiming he is disrespected.  I went through the blog and went as far back as May 2013.

 

 

In May 2013, Steve went into attack mode on Facebook because Adam Kokesh was arrested for doing something illegal in front of a cop.  He harassed my friend Amy.  He blocked me then went on to say nasty things to her and a couple of my political activist friends.  None of them will tell me what he wrote.  They tell me to stay away from him.  It was a Saturday.  It was the day after a new moon. 

 

 

He also left a nasty message for my friend Doug.  He is a fitness buff who helped me lose ten pounds.  He wants to sell me life insurance and I'm more profitable to him if I am fit.  Doug will not tell me what Steve wrote either.

 

 

I don't know why he did what he did in June.  I deleted the emails.  There is a distinct pattern of him claiming that I openly disrespect him without a specification of what corresponding behavior on my part led him to make that claim.  I only began documenting things in October.

This happens every new moon.  He'll tell me not to contact him or block me.  As of this writing, I am to the point of not knowing what it is that I can actually say to him. 

((I may have to check the actual dates to be factual.  I think I have January and March mixed up).

•  In October, he went nuts because my ex didn't move out of the house.  
• In November, he was upset because I didn't want to spend a weekend with him due to my health.  I took new birth control pills.  Let's just say, the bleeding wasn't something I wanted to share.   He ran around telling people that I thought he was a bad boyfriend.  This lead me to post a Garbage song on Facebook.  Since that day, he claimed that I called him garbage.  He's not garbage.  I never figured out how to help him feel good about himself.  This hurts me.
• In December, he claimed I lied to him about my divorce not being final.
• In January, it was because he thought I called him a frog when talking about the use of fairy tales in psychotherapy.  He also claimed that I didn't have enough self-esteem to allow myself to give and receive love.
• In February, it was because he thought I called my ex-husband a troll on Facebook. Mike had a jolly good time with that one. For two weeks, he'd ask me "questions three" or the other side of the room, porch, yard, or wherever we where "I'd never see."
• In March, I wasn't anarchist enough.  I was fake, fraud politician. He thought I made a post in support of the school lunch program.
• In April, it was because he thought I made a post in favor of pot prohibition.  He blocked me.  Then he unblocked me.  Then he asked me to block him after sending me several abusive emails.  He actually threatened to discredit me as a politician if I ran for office because I look like I support social programs and pot prohibition.  He did this in voicemails that he left after I told him that I probably couldn't get to the phone!

I cannot believe that he thinks he can discredit me. Geesh!!!  He doesn't understand how politics works.  It's about common ground and allowing everyone to be heard.  It's not about authoritarian bullying.



Then he called me an authoritarian sociopath!!  He has no idea.  Sociopaths do not believe in authority!  They try to undermine authority at every turn.  That sounds more like....HIM! 

I don't know how to relate to this man anymore.  I don't.

I am really frustrated.  I know this isn't about me or how I relate to Steve.  I think someone must deride him every few weeks and he comes home to take it out on me.

It hurts.  I need this to stop.

*****

I have been doing research on what causes poor communication in relationships.  It seems to boil down to a lack of chemistry.  Maybe I wasn't the kind of person that turned Steve's crank?


Maybe...I wasn't hot enough.


That seems to explain a lot.  He'd have to create a reason to fight to try to get me over for make-up relations.


Or, he is afraid of commitment. 


It's one or the other.  I guess it could be a little bit of both. 


I don't know.


I still find myself crying when driving to my office.  I work across the street from Steve.  I cried a little bit when I went to a job interview today on that same road.


I don't think I got the job.

*****

I am thinking that if I am ever in a relationship like this again and we decide that we still love each other, I'll only go back if he splits half the cost of relationship coaching.


I can't handle how this feels.
I know that the only way to save the relationship is to learn to keep Steve from feeling insecure.  I don't know how to do that.


I am in a lot of pain.


It is causing me to isolate myself.


Yes, I'm ignoring people. I can't continue to do this.



I can't keep ignoring my male friends.  Some of them have had horrid break-ups and I think they want the chance to talk to someone they know won't judge them.  I guess I am free enough to talk.  I'll just keep it in a public venue so there is no....below the belt stuff.


I am going to grab my phone and put it back on its normal settings.

I'll just block abusive aholes. 
 

Love,

 

S.

 

Agreements

Today I am thankful for agreements.

It wasn't a good agreement.


It was a painful one.


It had to be made.


I promised not to see another man until my ex-husband moves out of the house.


I feel trapped here.  I feel afraid to leave because the house is mine.  I feel afraid to publicize my business or public speaking gigs because his sister stalks me.  I feel terrified to get a full time job while he is here knowing where I will work.


I feel trapped by circumstance.


Again, he promised to distribute what little is left in the account I was awarded during the divorce.  It now stands at $18,000 and is half the value that it was the day the court put a stay on the account forbidding him from accessing it.


I don't trust him to split the funds.


I know the real problem is that my ex-husband has not moved on.


I know that this was why Steve flips out.  I have had a guy contact me to tell me that Steve was acting crazy but I had to tell him that there were circumstances beneath that that made me look even crazier.


Steve was provoked.  He was hurting.


Why?


I was not available to him in the manner a man needs a woman to be available to him.


During every fallout we have had since October, he would write texts and emails with the phrase "I deserve...".  The most memorable of which was "I deserve love" but "I feel icky."

He deserves things I did not give him.


This entire situation feels icky.


I will not do this to anyone else.


I'm off to spend time alone by myself to cry.


I feel like I have no choice but to box myself in and stay small in order to remain safe.  


I feel like I have no choice other than to stay alone. 


It hurts.


Love ya,
S.

Wishing for a Day Without Tears

Today I am thankful for smiles. 

I did my usual Saturday shopping yesterday. 


I went the same route I usually take when I used to visit Steve on the weekends. 


I'd stop at a Goodwill a few blocks away from his house.


Then I'd go to Albertson's.


Then I'd spend an hour or two in Old Town Inglewood. 


I'd hit the Goodwill in my part of town because I live on the cheap side of the most expensive zip code in my city.  I get a lot of brand new designer clothes there. 


Then I go home.




Oh, and why is it that when I decide NOT to go camping with a man all of the things I wanted to buy for the trip go on sale?


UGH!!! 


I feel guilty for cutting Steve off but I had to do that.  He wasn't interested in me.  Sometimes Eros's arrows sting.  They bring pains that are difficult to bear.  Maybe I should have given him more gifts upon his altar. 

I know Steve and I are both in pain. 


I am NOT what he wants.  He wants someone to make him feel better about himself and he is not above dragging a woman down beneath him.  I can't handle that.   As much as he tried to lie about me online, he has attacked my friends on a few occasions.  He can call me crazy all he wants, they know what is happening.  He's done it to them, too.


I am in a lot of pain. It doesn't help when my friends tell me they thought I dumped him a long time ago. 


No one is garbage. 


I can't sacrifice my joy for those moments when I am treated like crap. 


We are all important in God's eyes. 


All of us. 


That is why it is so hard to have to end things like this.  Those emails, text messages, and voice mails were vile and threatening.  I sobbed for days.  My ex-husband tried to console me.  I know Steve tried calling the home number three times but there were no corresponding messages on the answering machine.  I don't know if he left any or if they were deleted.


I do know that my ex-husband took the majority of last week off from work.  He claimed to be sick.  I don't know.  I think he's worried.


My ex-husband threatened to kick Steve's ass for making me cry.  Then he apologized and told me that Steve is not welcome at the house.  The house was given to me in the divorce.  I am finding my entire world to be dysfucktional.


I don't know who I'm angrier at right now. 


It's probably best to stay away from an angry redheaded woman.


I pray we all find what we need to live our lives to the fullest.  No one is garbage.  No one is beneath anyone else.  We just all have to find ourselves before we can find someone to spend the rest of our days with.


I thought I had found the one.  I was wrong.  The worst part about this is that I lost a friend.  I knew I shouldn't try to kiss him.  I knew it would cost me a friend.

That's okay. 


I have faith that it will all work out somehow. 

Right now, I just want one day without tears.....just one.






Love ya,


S. 

Al-Anon

Today I am thankful for Al-Anon.

My friend Andrew has been trying to tell me this for a little over a year.   It seems Andrew will mention his struggle with alcoholism every time Steve posts something bizarre or rude to my Facebook account.  I am beginning to believe Andrew is right; the insults, the put-downs, and the miscellaneous craziness is pretty much due to alcohol.

I'm so stupid.


Steve is not bi-polar.  He is not paranoid.  He most likely has not recovered from his alcoholism.  I don't know for sure but it would explain a lot of things. 

• Paranoia is a symptom of alcohol abuse. 
• So are the jerky eye movements he exhibits when he is feeling intimate. 
• The abusive emails, texts, and voice messages he forgets about could be a sign. 
• Steve once tried to pressure me into drinking alcohol at a bar.   
• Other things point specifically to alcoholism, such as his legal history and his loss of a driver's license. 
• It could also explain those rare non-lucid Facebook posts and how he misunderstands and overreacts to the most innocent of comments.
• It also explains the projection and blame that comes my way.
• It would explain the rare written Facebook attacks on mutual friends that occur on Friday and Saturday nights.
• There are physical signs of it to in the form of dry and cracking skin, hair loss, and trouble sleeping through the night.  

This is all most likely due to alcohol. 


He only attacks me those weekends when I do not spend Friday night with him. He told me that sometimes he'll drink when I am not there.  The last time I went over, he had two bottles of his homemade raspberry wine sitting on the mantle of his fireplace.


It was pretty yummy stuff.  It tasted like hard liquor. I couldn't have much of it.


The last time I saw him, he claimed I was yelling at him.  I wasn't. 


Maybe he was hung over?

The alcohol must be the answer.


My friend has to get help for his alcoholism.


I have to get help for putting up with it and to try to gain an understanding of it.


I studied alcohol counseling for several years.  I never did the internships so I'm not licensed.  I have used that knowledge, though, to help people overcome other addictions in my psychotherapy practice. 


If I could do anything with my life, I would counsel and provide transitional housing to homeless people.  When I was a young lady, homeless people kept me company on the streets of Denver and told me which cops to trust and which to avoid.  I have always had a soft spot for that population and I thought an understanding of alcoholism would come in handy if my dream to run a charity comes true. 


Alcoholism is no reason to throw someone way.  It is possible to get help.  It is possible to fix it. He has to want to do it.  I am not sure that I owe him an explanation or a diagnosis.  He has a therapist that can do that.


Alcohol killed my parents.  My step-father killed my mother when he was in a drunken rage.  Three years later he got drunk and shot himself.


I have a hard time being comfortable around drunk people.

Andrew has been sober for twenty years.  He is living proof that it gets better and that people can successfully overcome the issue.  I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

Love ya,


S. 

Avoiding Men

Today I am thankful for time to be alone. 

It's Friday.

It's beauty routine day.

It's dress buying day. 

It's a day for me to pack away my hippy dresses I bought last weekend at the thrift shop.  I spent $5.00 and got two dresses and a top. 


You should see the dress I bought on Ebay.  It's designer.  It's new.  I got it for $12.00.  I may turn around and sell it.  The other ones on Ebay are going for $75.00. 

A lady at the near new shop found me the perfect lace jacket to go with the designer dress.  She gave it to me for $1.00.  Maybe I'll keep it and wear it when I get my groove back.


I bought the clothes for the Pagan fair next weekend.  I was going to take Steve.  It is Beltane Celebration.  It is a weekend where we celebrate Pan (e.g. Dionysus).  It is a week of sexual energy, of lust, and of love.  It's a shame he doesn't understand Beltane.  If he did, he may have curtailed his craziness for a week just to get the sex.  

It's not a place I want to go alone.  I do not want to put myself in a position of getting raped or finding myself in my bassist buddy's tent.  Yes, Nick and his band are playing at the festival. 

I'm ignoring Nick.  I really don't know what to say differently than I already have.  Yes, I understand that he wants to hang out.  No, I need to stay away from men and want to take time to think about what happened.  Steve awakened my sexuality.  I have to try to stuff it back so I don't do anything stupid. 

*****

I had to take some time to think about what was going on.  To be quite truthful about it, I had a two hour bath.  I think I zoned out.

I had to leave because I got incredibly cold.

I realized that those things my ex-husband claimed that Steve was doing, were things that my ex-husband was doing.

I realized that those things that Steve claimed I was doing, were things Steve was doing to me.

When he'd run to Facebook to complain that I was calling him names, it was around the time he'd send me email after email calling me stupid, fake, fraudulent, and so on.

There are other examples. I may update with them.  I may not. 

Everything he claims I do to him, every motive he claims I have, may actually be what he's trying to do to me.

On Monday, he brought up the idea of gaslighting.  He had suggested that some women subconsciously do things to cause other people to act out.  I didn't say anything.  I was a little angry at him for acting like a dork.

Later that night, I got a text message claiming that although I thought he was doing it* subconsciously,  he was doing it consciously.

Now, I may not understand those texts.  *I don't know what "it" is.  The spelling was atrocious, so it could be that he meant to say something else.  At this time he had become quite threatening.  I was crying so hard that I could not speak.  I did not care to call him to clarify it. 

Then I found an email where he threatened to do something he claimed an ex did to him at the time of their break-up.

Then I received two text messages calling me a sociopath.  His ex was a narcissist.  Sociopaths are narcissists. 

Oh, so we are all labeled as crazy.

In my archived emails, I found an email where he threatened to tell people I said bad things about him upon our break-up.  He said he wouldn't do that because it wouldn't get him what he wanted.

Still, he threatened to slander me if I broke up with him?

Oh, no.  I think I know what is going on now.

Today, in the bathtub, after two hours of reflection I had a realization.

All of those things that Steve said his exes did were probably things that he did to them.

All of those things that Steve said his exes did to his children were probably things he did to them.

This made me sad.  .

It could explain a lot of things in his life. 

This thought made me terrified of him. 

I don't want to go into too much detail on that.  I wasn't there.  I only know what I was told.  These were horrible things.  These were things that would make me throw all compassion out of the window should I have witnessed it. 

*****
I don't know.

This is probably what happens when two people hook-up that haven't worked on their baggage.

I can't deal with that crap.

I do know that I have had a couple of therapist friends warn me away from him.

I do know that he attacked one of my friends for some stupid reason.  She absolutely detests him.

Now, my ex-husband won't leave because he thinks I'm going to take Steve back.

I can't do that. 

Those emails.  Steve has never once addressed the content of any of the abusive emails. 

He has justified it.

He has said that he didn't know what he was talking about when he wrote them.

He has never once addressed the personal insults.

That could be my fault. 

When I see him, I want to talk about more fun things so I don't press the issue.
Those abusive emails, though, they cut into my desire to invest in the relationship.  I was afraid to do anything with him, bring him further into my life, or change my schedule around his needs too much because I was afraid that this would happen again.  It does.  Like clockwork.  About two days before each new moon, he goes on the offensive and blames me.

It does seem like every time I see him, he talks about me leaving him.  He'll say that I will run off with another guy.  He'll say that I won't find him attractive anymore and break up with him.  The last time he said that, I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  I put on my most difficult to remove clothes so he wouldn't be compelled to try to get it on with me.


Okay....difficult to remove clothes don't stop guys.  They just slow them down.  I was not happy.

I can't do this.  Every time I get crazy emails claiming that I don't give him the respect he deserves, I trust him less and less. 

One of the last emails claimed that I never lift a finger to help him. 


I drive him around!  I did charity work with him to help his boss!  I sneak around to grab the check at dinner to help him financially.  I put lotion of his back.  I used two fingers to unbutton....


Oh never mind....I guess I will never lift a finger to help him again.


I just can't see myself putting up with this anymore.


I can't.

*****

So, I am still crying my eyes out and trying to get rid of the negative energy.

My witchy friends cast a motivation spell on me yesterday.  They don't know about Steve and I breaking up.  I'll be pissed off if it was a motivation to move on with Steve spell. 

If it was, it'll wear off in two weeks. 

****

I am horrible at love.

Maybe I need to focus on lust. 
That sounds like more fun.

Hmmmmm......

Love ya,

S.



Bass Player Buddies

Today I am thankful for the advice of a fellow bass player.

I hope he doesn't try to discredit me because I like round wounds and do not know how to play on the fifth string.  


That's a joke. 

I guess threatening to discredit people is what some guys do when you disagree with them.

*****

I am trying to avoid men.  My friend has picked up on that.  He is telling me that I've let the ex before my last ex do a mind job on me. 

I think he wants to offer the cure. 

The cure, in his mind, is watching a marathon of Science Fiction movies. 


I'm a bass player, too.  I know what we like to do with our fingers while watching movies. 

*****


I can't have a man in my life.


I can't get rid of my ex-husband.


I feel ugly. 


I feel like a "looser".


I am in a lot of pain that I do not want to share with anyone no matter how handsome or hot he looks in his kilt. 


I am alone.  I am where I need to be. 

My friend has been trying to console me.  I don't want to see him.  He's tried to call and text me.  I hadn't let my phone charge.

Why?

I didn't want to hear the voice mail messages Steve left.


My bass player buddy, I guess we should give him a name, uh.....uh...we'll call him Nick.


Nick told me to charge my phone, delete all the voicemail messages and delete the text messages. 


He wanted to hear the whole story about the break-up. 


I don't want to tell it. 


I know that the emails only tell part of the story.  The text messages only a piece of it.  The voice mails told part of it.  The lunacy was there for a reason. 


I think the reason was due to my inability to get my ex-husband to move out of the house.  This made it hard to define the relationship.  It caused stress.  The stress took about three weeks to where there would be some stupid fight and he'd say something that made me feel threatened and I would walk away. 

 It was an on and off relationship. 


We were a yo-yo relationship. 


We have yo'd for the last time. 

*****

I wonder if Steve is bi-polar.  His emotions change on a whim.  I don't know. 
There is a reason why I say that.  I had to listen to part of each message before the icon showed up allowing me to delete it.




The first one he sounded pained.  He must have left that one when my phone was in the car.


By the time I got to the fourteenth message, he had become quite threatening. 

Around the seventh message, he stated that he wants to tell everyone that I don't believe that the government holds guns to other people's heads for eating potato chips. 


Okay.....whatever. 


I don't know if he made other threats.  I do know that he said something about sharing our email correspondence.


Okay.....whatever. 

No one in the world is going to care.  No one in the world is going to believe it came from me.  I wouldn't care if they knew.  Reality is what is going on.  Utopia is what Steve wants. 

We need to take care of reality before we can get to utopia.

*****

The reason I say that no one will care about any messages that Steve puts online is that I have a stalker.  The DA won't prosecute based on the emails and text messages I have received because it is impossible to prove who actually typed it.  They can prove an IP address but they cannot prove who actually typed and sent the message.

When I ran for mayor, a public official threatened me.  My accounts were hacked.  I received threatening emails.  I knew who it was because there was the only one person in the world concerned about my weight.  She would even leave public comments in online forums about my "fat" body.  No one cared.  No one asked me about it.  No one commented on it.  It was ignored.

Everyone knew the anorexic old lady that ran the tax audit department wrote those comments and messages.  No one could prove it.  What could anyone do?

It didn't make her look very good either.

So, whatever Steve threatens to post about me won't help him look good.  He'd probably get heckled if he tried telling people the hypothetical fantasy about a government official shooting junk food aficionados.



If he's going to make fun of my religion, a few members of the Republican Party tried that.  It didn't work for them.  Some of them ask me to "pray" for them now, too. 


Oh, and I am soooo thankful I didn't share my more kinkier fantasies with him.  My true middle name could have given them cause to giggle.  There is a news reel of my making a faux pas at a premier to a Schwarzenegger film back in the late 80's (that was sooo bad, I stopped watching the local news). 


Really....there is so much more demented and fun stuff he could leak to the press if he knew about it.

I'm not really sure they'd care.  It would have to be a cold, snowy, slow news day in Hades before they'd care enough to run gossip about me.



Steve may have to wait until 2016 to even pretend to destroy my credibility.  That's the next chance I have to run. 


I may move to Arizona, so he's going to have to be incredibly well read to find me in the papers.


I didn't say anything wrong. 

He is threatening me because he is hurt. 

*****

I am in pain. 

I thought Steve was the one.  He's not. 
He sent me two text messages claiming that I am a sociopath.

I am wondering if I am a sociopath.  I don't think I should date until I figure that one out.

I am confused.

My ex-husband tried to kiss me last night.  He mentioned wanting to make love.

He wants to get re-married.
I'd rather be celibate.

I feel sick. 

This is why I cannot be alone with Nick anymore.  I cannot risk falling in love again until my ex is a thing of my past.

Love ya,

S.