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Agreements

Today I am thankful for agreements.




It wasn't a good agreement.


It was a painful one.


It had to be made.


I promised not to see another man until my ex-husband moves out of the house.


I feel trapped here.  I feel afraid to leave because the house is mine.  I feel afraid to publicize my business or public speaking gigs because his sister stalks me.  I feel terrified to get a full time job while he is here knowing where I will work.


I feel trapped by circumstance.


Again, he promised to distribute what little is left in the account I was awarded during the divorce.  It now stands at $18,000 and is half the value that it was the day the court put a stay on the account forbidding him from accessing it.


I don't trust him to split the funds.


I know the real problem is that my ex-husband has not moved on.


I know that this was why Steve flips out.  I have had a guy contact me to tell me that Steve was acting crazy but I had to tell him that there were circumstances beneath that that made me look even crazier.


Steve was provoked.  He was hurting.


Why?


I was not available to him in the manner a man needs a woman to be available to him.


During every fallout we have had since October, he would write texts and emails with the phrase "I deserve...".  The most memorable of which was "I deserve love" but "I feel icky."

He deserves things I did not give him.


This entire situation feels icky.


I will not do this to anyone else.


I'm off to spend time alone by myself to cry.


I feel like I have no choice but to box myself in and stay small in order to remain safe.  


I feel like I have no choice other than to stay alone. 


It hurts.


Love ya,
S.

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