Skip to main content

Agreements

Today I am thankful for agreements.




It wasn't a good agreement.


It was a painful one.


It had to be made.


I promised not to see another man until my ex-husband moves out of the house.


I feel trapped here.  I feel afraid to leave because the house is mine.  I feel afraid to publicize my business or public speaking gigs because his sister stalks me.  I feel terrified to get a full time job while he is here knowing where I will work.


I feel trapped by circumstance.


Again, he promised to distribute what little is left in the account I was awarded during the divorce.  It now stands at $18,000 and is half the value that it was the day the court put a stay on the account forbidding him from accessing it.


I don't trust him to split the funds.


I know the real problem is that my ex-husband has not moved on.


I know that this was why Steve flips out.  I have had a guy contact me to tell me that Steve was acting crazy but I had to tell him that there were circumstances beneath that that made me look even crazier.


Steve was provoked.  He was hurting.


Why?


I was not available to him in the manner a man needs a woman to be available to him.


During every fallout we have had since October, he would write texts and emails with the phrase "I deserve...".  The most memorable of which was "I deserve love" but "I feel icky."

He deserves things I did not give him.


This entire situation feels icky.


I will not do this to anyone else.


I'm off to spend time alone by myself to cry.


I feel like I have no choice but to box myself in and stay small in order to remain safe.  


I feel like I have no choice other than to stay alone. 


It hurts.


Love ya,
S.

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004.  We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went mi
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP and when he is stressed out
Read more