Today I am thankful for my enabling ex-husband.
Michael buys me cheesecake, ice cream, and chocolate when Steve acts out.
I do eat it.
Okay, I am not thankful that he does that per se.
I DO see the wisdom in eating a lot of fattening foods when you are not fit for romance. It makes me fat. NO man wants to see me naked when I am fat.
I get to break up for being fat and letting myself go. I don't have to address what is really going on.
What is really going on?
Steve is being hyper-judgmental and I am recognizing the need to let him go.
*****
It's been a long weekend.
I pissed off Nick because I won't tell him what is going on in my personal life.
That would create intimacy.
I'm not ready for that right now.
*****
I spent the weekend volunteering for a political party. When I walk in the room, everybody knows my name.
The head of the party hates me. He rolls his eyes when people talk about me. He's always telling me that I'm not liberty oriented enough. I do a lot of work with the Republican party fighting corporate welfare and regressive taxes. The head of our party complains that it is NOT libertarian to fight laws that give tax payer subsidies and moral pledge obligation agreements to select businesses. A moral obligation pledge is a promise that the taxpayers will pick up any debt that such a business cannot repay.
This is wrong.
I think that this guy doesn't like me so he complains about anything that I do. I am trying so very hard not to complain about him but this is easier said than done. He and the other male board members have secret meetings at a local strip bar. My sister is a stripper. I don't think she'd lie to me. The women on the board are getting a little bit irritated, too.
It is a small world and it is really hard to hide immoral behavior. I'll be more active when we get a new leader in the party.
I am trying very hard to respect him. I am realizing that the less I say to him, the more I respect him. I will never understand why men criticize women without listening to them. The only thing that I can fathom is that they have underlying personal issues and complaining about women takes the focus away from themselves.
*****
I walked into a meeting and the chairperson had to tell me that the guy who owns the local conspiracy theorist prepper pantry had a crush on me. It's so cute. He has a little store in Inglewood and it is next to the charity thrift store that I frequent.
I visit the store every Saturday and wave at the man as I pass by. We met a few years ago when we wanted to fight some anti-constitutional legislation. I guess he forgot meeting me.
Last week, I walked by at my usual time. He sat by the window and waved back. He pointed me out to a couple of people visiting the store and they knew who I was. One of them is the head of my political party. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend.
He doesn't see me with a man when I pass by on Saturdays.
I don't know how to answer that question.
*****
Last weekend, Steve complained that I threw my ex-husband away by divorcing him. My ex-husband still lives here. I kept him company throughout his surgeries. I still do his laundry. I clean up after him. I'm not sure that this counts as throwing someone away.
In fact, I'd feel more comfortable if I had less to do with my ex-husband. What does Steve want me to do? Remarry my ex?
*****
The last time I had a conversation with Steve was Tuesday. He was complaining that he thought that I never loved him. He claimed that he believed the only reason I was with him is that I couldn't say no.
I couldn't drill down to the underlying assumptions of that belief because he wanted to go to bed.
*****
Now, Steve is complaining that I do not nurture my relationships. He went on to say that this is why I do not make any money in the real world.
Oh....gawd....I don't know.
The stalking has nothing to do with my pulling back?
How does he know I'm not earning money?
*****
I don't know what to think about this. I find myself exhausted and at a loss for words whenever this occurs. I find myself trying to avoid spending time with Steve. I don't even like to answer his emails or telephone calls anymore.
The constant criticism is dragging me down.
I spend a heck of a lot of time and energy trying to understand what Steve is complaining about.
Truth be told, I do not understand his complaints. Complaining that I do not foster relationships and offering up that as an explanation for my not making $100,000 a year leaves me at a loss. Is he complaining that I do not foster relationships with other people? With him? Or do I need to charge my friends when I babysit their kids or hypnotize them to stop smoking?
I'm seriously thinking about never speaking to Steve again.
I am spending hours trying to understand. It is zapping my energy. This keeps me from creating new products, meeting new people, networking and taking care of myself.
He could be depressed. He could be drinking. He could be seeing another woman.
I don't know.
I am to the point that I cannot take it anymore.
I really do not think that I have any choice but to break up with him for good. It's hard to believe he loves me if he is so judgmental. I'm not what he wants if he is bent on changing who I am.
There is a chance that this is alcoholism rearing its ugly head. It takes a lot of energy dealing with the negativity. I want to wash my hands of it. I can't do this anymore.
I guess I'll wait until this evening to give him the news. I don't want to impact his job. I could wait until Friday, too. Mulling it over too long will impact me.
*****
You know, there are two different types of head games.
There are those that insecure men play in order to fish for compliments. They cause trouble in their relationships to see if women want to fight for them. These kind of games drive the women they love insane. Eventually the women run off to play the second kind of head games with other men.
The second type of head games involve licking and sucking. If I'm gonna play with a guy's head, those are the games that I prefer to play. I want to know how many licks it takes to make the volcano erupt.
Then, I'll see if I can get a hotter score the next time we play.
Those kind of games are much more fun.
Love ya,
S.
Update several hours later:
I get it!
I finally get it!!
I know what is going on!!!
Steve wants to break up with me, so he's being an a-hole so I'll do the dirty work.
Oh, that's easy.
I'm so damn slow!!
I'll let you know how it goes.