Not Sure if This is a Warning Sign or a Good Thing

Today I am thankful for sitting down with the kids.

I'm going to share what I was told just in case the stalking by my ex and his family returns full force, I'd like a place to document something.

What I learned sounds innocuous, even like a good thing.

If it stops where it is, it will probably be a great thing.

If it turns back into full blown stalking where third parties are threatened, it will be a horrible thing.

In the past, it always started out as small, legal things that fed his obsession and ballooned.

*****
I'll also say that in the past month, I've learned that my ex is refusing to honor the court agreements to carry health insurance on the kids.

He also refuses to pay his share of medical expenses.

I made a huge mistake agreeing to lower his child support based on the lie that was told about him having a substance use disorder.  By agreeing to drop his support, I've agreed to allow him to get out of helping us financially.

Going forward, I'm NEVER going to trust him again.

I'm wondering if part of this is his anger over being asked to contribute financially.  He doesn't know this but based on his income, the child support worksheet shows that he's paying  about $200 less than he's supposed to pay based on his newly minted poverty income.  I've let this slide.  If he's not going to help, I may not be able to continue being so kind.

That, and, he still owes over $42,000 in arrears and $15,000 in judgments (for legal fees and money stolen from my IRA).

******

However, in the past four weeks,

the kids were upset about seeing him at the high school, at events that neither he or I were told about.

He is showing up to places the teens are outside of his parenting time.

At first, I commended the teens for telling their father about these events (school concert and a celebration).

They told me they didn't tell him.

In fact, they didn't tell me about one of the events.  The other event, I had to cajole them to attend.

It's good that he seemingly wants to be a part of their lives.  It would be good if he could communicate his presence because when he showed up to the celebration unexpectedly, the kids rushed me out of the venue without telling me what was going on.  I didn't see him nor did I know he was there until after we left.

I'm not even sure they spoke to their dad.

I think it's healthy for them to KNOW their father will be somewhere.

I AM concerned about him just showing up to things without telling the kids.

I know that, when he refused to leave my home after the divorce, he did a lot of research about my life (including spy ware on my phone and computer) so he could, basically, keep tabs on me.  He (or his relatives) often showed up in strange places unexpectedly (e.g. business affairs, dates I had after the divorce, pushing bump keys into my locks at 2:00 am).

I'm wondering how he's getting the information about the whereabouts of his kids and the events at the school?

This is where it feels weird, I wonder if this is the beginning stages of researching other realms of our lives that he is not privy to.

I stopped telling him about medical things because all it leads to is obnoxious, abusive harassment.  He'd call me a liar (and other names).  It got to the point of my taking a picture of the doctor's office to prove it to him. He probably did that because he doesn't want to pay for anything.

Ditto for school activities.  I spend thousands each year on activities and testing fees.  He probably ignores me so he can get out of helping with that.

If he becomes abusive, I stop communicating.  This is probably exactly what he wants me to do.

****
I'm not sure what to make of it.

His showing up unexpectedly could be innocent parenting or it could be the marker of a bigger problem.

One thing is for sure, his refusal to honor the financial aspects of our divorce and custody agreement is intended to get my attention.  It's intended to keep me focused and stuck on him.

I'm not going to do that.

He's won.  He gets away with a heck of a lot more than most divorced men I know.  Some would love to have an ex agree to drop his income by 60% so he could pay less in child support without forcing him to go through a discovery.

The law is clear, child support is based on potential income (in which he used to make $54,000 as an internal auditor) rather than real income (now $30,000 as a bus driver up from the $20,000 we agreed due to his non-existent substance use diagnosis).  Non-custodial parents are not supposed to get away with under-employing themselves to lower their child support.

I'm still irritated that the State of Colorado taught him that the taxpayers will pick up where he left off and then harass me into picking up the slack.  CO-PEP needs defunded (to be honest, it's only a matter of time before they are).

I pray this guy doesn't pick up the stalking again.  I don't advertise any more due to the harassment (which costs me a lot of money - the more I make, the less child support/medical costs he will be on the hook to pay).  I don't do anything online anymore either as I assume he's stalking me online.

I become terrified when they stalk me in public and harass my colleagues and friends.

I've been very good about not lighting my black candles. I remember what happened last time he scared the hell out of me.

I tell myself often that the deaths of two of the people he sent after me could have just been a coincidence.

Love ya,

S.

A Sad Realization

Today I am thankful for love and the realization that I'm too afraid to get into a relationship. 

So....I had a mishap with a vial of glycolic acid on my face.

I have third degree burns around my mouth.

It's healing nicely.

It won't scar.

With the injuries to my face, I never expected....

well....

I never expected an invitation.

The injuries are easy to conceal with Estee Lauder make-up.  The problem, though, is that the stuff is so darn heavy, that if someone brushes against your face, it will literally take scratch the finish and you'll end up with a deep line where the person touched you.

****
So...I work with a man...

my age....

studying addiction counseling....

who plays a multitude of instruments (just like me)….

Well, not just like me....

he sings better than I.

The thing I really like about him is that he sees the beauty in every person he meets.

I think there is something healing about a counselor who can see the beauty in an addicted person who feels ashamed of the state of his or her life.

Everyone is beautiful to him.

Except the beautiful woman at work who has a crush on him.  She snapped at him, so he doesn't like her.

That's sad because she really has the hots for him.

Me?

I have feelings for a guy from my past.

I have feelings for a DJ I adore.

Outside of these two guys (who nearly have the same first name), I don't think I feel much of anything.  These guys were close friends at one point, so that it why I love them.

I have my excuses for staying distant from these two.  I know it hurts my DJ friend (but, to be fair, he is a legalistic Christian - my religion would drive him batty).

Now....

I've pretty much swore off relationships because I have to work so much (yeah...there's more going on in the financial department but....well....I can only count on me to support the kids)….

and with the home repairs, I'm sleeping four hours a night.

This guy I work with asked:

I told him that I stopped dating when an older woman who resembled my daughter watched me on dates.  It turned out to be my sister-in-law.

Creepy.....I never want to look up from my cup of coffee again to see a member of my ex-husband's family watching me.

There are too many other things to do in life so....

I gave up.

******

Well....because I'm tired, I'll try to keep it short.

The man I work with slipped me his phone number and asked me to come over to his place to make some music.

Um.....

You know.....

The last time I fell for that line, I had to find a quick exit from a sound engineer's bedroom.

I thought it was about recording music - but it quickly turned into something I was ill prepared for.

Now.....

I just can't.

I don't have the energy right now.

******
I'm not sure what it is.

Perhaps he's just moving too fast.  I've only known him three months.

Maybe he felt sympathy due to the burns on my face?

Or maybe he's excited that I can play bass?

Or maybe....

I don't want to think about it.

******

Maybe I'm not afraid of the stalking.....

Part of me thinks I have diagnosable body dysmorphic disorder.  After years of a sexless marriage, I think of myself as undesirable.

It could also be part fear.  My stalkerish uses financial abuse to stay in contact.

Financial abuse gives him the upper hand. It gives him control.

If I date, it would be something my ex couldn't control.  He needs control (it's a primary feature of narcissism).

I don't know what could happen if I tried to date again.

*****

Things happened today that were disturbing.  My ex-husband showed up unexpectedly where I was and the kids tried to hide it from me.

Could have been a fluke.  I don't know.

The way the kids pushed me out of the venue made me very uncomfortable.  I feel the urge to shrink back and hide again.

*****
Dating?

I'm probably just not ready.

This guy sounds almost perfect.

Except one thing - he's a former Anarchist turned Socialist.

I cannot fathom how that would happen to anyone.

*****

Again....I could be afraid of the stalking.

I keep seeing Facebook friends being stalked by their exes.  The police departments don't take them seriously.

One of these women was murdered last month (with her new boyfriend) but no suspect has been arrested.

Gosh....

dating is dangerous, isn't it?

Perhaps I should think about moving out of Colorado.

I don't know.

I'll meditate.  I wish I knew what I could do for other women in that situation.

I couldn't even  help myself.

How can I help anyone else?

Please stay safe wherever you are.

Love ya,

S.

So busy that I'm wheezing

Today I am thankful for inhalers.

Now, I just have to get health insurance so I can get one.

Yeah....back in the day, when I was first diagnosed with asthma and let my prescription expire, I could go to the pharmacy and buy Primatene Mist over the counter.

Not anymore.....thanks Obama.

Yes, that one was Obama.

The healthcare debacle was Obama but it was started by Clinton.

Trump is the reason I'm taking less money home every month (there, I had to make it fair).

So....

New cabinets (solid wood...woo hoo).

New countertops (crap, they look like the nurse's station at work....note to self, don't pick out countertops after an overnight shift).

New carpet,

New hardwood floors,

New top soil,

New deck,

New siding,

New roof and

new gutters.

I'm cleaning out the house!  Everything is so very dusty that I whistle when I breathe.

That's funny because I never learned how to whistle.

*****
I'm trying to stay out of neighborhood drama.  Yesterday it was so bad that I drove out to a voodoo shop in Wheat Ridge looking for Hot Foot Powder because I was too lazy to dig out my sulfer.

Yeah...I had some top soil delivered yesterday and my dick-arse neighbor parked ON the pile and spread it out into the street.

He's an idiot.  Never GIVE a bitchy witchy your foot print.

Witches like footprints - they're great for hoodoo.

******
Hoodoo....

that brings me to my rant of the day....

Cultural Appropriation.

Do you know that there is a movement trying to stop white witches from practicing Hoodoo?

Oh man....

so white folks are Heinz 57 - we have so many races and mixes in our blood that color really doesn't matter any more.

(yeah...says the former wanna-be jazz mucisian who passed as mulato in her early twenties).

We are really taking things a tad bit too far.

I really don't think Papa Legba gives a hairy rats ass about who leaves him the rum and cigars.

I do have Greek and Irish heritage.

Am I supposed to get pissed off at black people who worship Ares?

No.....the more the merrier.

*****
I'm trying very hard to rise above the fray.

People are stupid.

Some white people practice Hoo Doo.

Some black people worship Greek Gods.

Stupid neighbors get all bent out of shape when they can't park in front of your house because you're planting a garden.  Part of me is actually impressed that my dick neighbor could off road on a mound of top soil.

It's insane.

*****
I'm checking in.

I learned some disturbing stuff about child support that makes me sad for deadbeat dads but I'm not sure how much to share and when.

I didn't know that when a man owes arrearages, it is not uncommon for a judge to force him to pay it off within 24 months to avoid jail.

He now owes over $42,000.  There is no way in heck that would be fair (even if he made his previous salary).

Still.....

When a man has slithered out of alimony, squatted in your home and trashed it, stole a huge chunk of the 401K, got his child support heavily reduced based on a lie about being an alcoholic,

it's hard to feel sorry for him.

I'm trying very hard to be fair.

It would be easier if he'd fair to me.

*****

Today finds me trying not to curse an ass hat (or several actually)…..

and honoring my compassion for an abusive stalker so I don't take 60% of his paycheck (even if he is making half of what he made during the marriage).

I'm off to bed in the hopes of trying to cling to whatever empathy I can find for destructive idiots.

There is a fine line between being abusive towards those who harm us and our property and drawing personal boundaries.

Love ya,

S.

Imagine - Pee in a Bottle

Today I am thankful for lack of sleep.

Yes, you read that right.

I'm experiencing eustress: the condition of having so many great things happen to you that causes stress.

I have a good job.

I'm nearly done with school.

I have a good lawyer.

My house is being renovated.

I'm sleeping about four hours a day (when the contractors are here).

It'll all be worth it in the end.

The problem with a lack of sleep is the weight gain.  My exercise equipment is buried in the basement. It'll be nice to get back to working out again.

Things are going well for me.

I'm not so sure if things are going well for my ex-husband.

*****
My ex-husband has started seeing the kids about four hours a week.

I learned that his child support should be much higher based on his income and I'm trying to make a decision surrounding that.  I ran up the credit cards on legal fees to get him out of the house and to deal with his antics.  The interest alone is causing a lot of stress.  I should ask for the money to start paying them off.

Then I received news that made me wonder if he was okay.

Our daughter told me today that she found a 1.5 Liter bottle of Diet Coke bottle filled with urine in the back seat of his car.

She took a picture.

My initial thought was that he was homeless.  He makes more money than I do but it's still 40% less than he made during the marriage as an auditor.  He has decided to drive a bus and live in subsidized housing that requires daily urinalysis.  This was the reason I agreed to drop his child support.  It was insinuated that he had a substance use disorder.

I never knew him to do drugs or drink alcohol. He swears up and down that he has never used.

After a minute, I put my clinical hat on.

If it is true that he is not using, I realized he's probably selling his urine to someone else living in the subsidized housing project.

Even if he were homeless, after the crap he put me through, I cannot help him.

*****
That's the great thing about getting away from gaslighting.

One can start understanding those things that never made sense before.  His family stalked me on his behalf.  He was speaking to them daily and that's how they knew where to find me.

The GPS system he stuck on the bottom of the car helped him, too.

When that was removed, he started hacking the phone.

All the while, he claimed he was innocent.

Now, he just claims I'm a liar.

I now see that he was just insecure and thought I was cheating on him so he had his family harass me in public.

He lied to drop his child support.

The pee in the bottle was something he didn't intend for the kids to see.

I really shouldn't have to imagine why or guess the reason for that behavior.

It's just really nice to be away from it.

I don't have to solve his problems any more.

Part of me wishes that someone would tell him that he can buy a urinal online.  They are probably a tad bit more sanitary.

https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Health-Personal-Care-Male-Urinals/zgbs/hpc/3775251

*****
In those first few moments after hearing about the pee in the bottle, I thought about my recent home repairs, the mold and rat poop found in my ex's former bedroom and the $60,000 it is costing me to repair his former bedroom and bathroom.  I thought about all the porn I continue to unearth while cleaning out the house (new carpet and hardwood floors required that I remove everything from the home).

I realized that he can never stay with me again.  I can't afford it.  I cannot afford to be kind to him.

He is one person I would have to tell no.

If he makes more money than I do and only pays a small portion of it in child support, he can afford the rent of his subsidized room.  He's probably just selling or sharing his piss with a desperate roommate.

These types of revelations make me thankful that he is out of my life.

Wow.....just wow....

I'm off to cat nap as I have to go back to work in a few hours.  Life as a single mom is exhausting.  As tired as I am, it is a heck of a lot better than being frightened all the time and afraid to leave the house.

Love ya lots,

S.

PTSD

Today I am thankful for contractors and realizations. 

The contractors are working on the house and I have never slept better.  The past couple of nights I've worked the late shift and sleep well into the morning.  The contractors arrive around 7:00 to start working.

Just to be sure, all of the banging is going on outside of the house.  This week, they're tearing off my siding, mixing cement and redoing the sidewalks.

I sleep well when they are here.  I know that sounds bizarre.

I'm pretty sure that is because of the stalking.  I'm always hyper vigilant.  I'm always afraid of my ex-husband breaking in and attacking me or destroying my home further.

When these guys are here, I'm not afraid.

I can sleep.

Unfortunately, their presence does not stop the nightmares.

*****

Now, that I'm sleeping well, I'm noticing that I'm having nightmares of my ex-husband.

In these dreams he's trying to get other people to kill me.

In one dream, I overhear him making a deal with one of his relatives.  He's offering money in exchange for this guy to strangle me at a picnic.

In another dream, he is trying to convince a doctor that I want to die and asks about the possibility of allowing me to take myself out via assisted suicide.  In this dream, I'm pleading with the nurse who promptly removes me from the situation.

Usually, I'll have nightmares of him right before he does something stupid.  It's almost as if my subconscious mind is begging me to pay attention.  I fear the stalking will pick right back up.

*****
I was told that I would be diagnosed with PTSD once Michael left my home.

PTSD can go away and I thought I was making progress.  I no longer have a startle response but I am noticing a little social anxiety around angry or emotional men.  I'll start to have a hot flash.

I'm not sure this is menopausal because it only happens around angry or upset men.

A little hypnosis and black cohosh and I'll be fine.

I thought my personal ordeal was over.  I guess not.

The problem with an ex who doesn't want to financially help or pay the money he owes is that I have to work a lot to pick up the financial slack.  This cuts out on time with the kids and time to see a therapist and doctor for myself.

His lack of help is a form of control.  He is punishing me because I dared ask him to leave my home and tried to enforce the divorce agreement.

I can't believe the State of Colorado is helping him continue his financial abuse.

Sad, isn't it?

*****
I do have a realization that I'll post here.  My ex is a stalker.  He engages in coercive control and has a talent for getting the government to harass me on his behalf.

It started with the City of Aurora back in 2008 (who are the subjects of 2 different blogs and I have 8 3" binders of harassment oriented information dedicated to them in my basement).  I'm not sure how he got his boss (The former Tax Audit Supervisor) and an Assistant City Attorney to slander me in court.

I joined a group and fought their tax hikes.  I ran for office.  They don't slander me publicly now.

They do other things though that I should report to The Department of Regulatory Agencies (DORA).  One of their shrinks told me about things my 17 year old said in therapy.  My 17 year old didn't sign a release and began crying when I mentioned it and helped her find a private pay therapist.  I've been trying to talk to someone on the board of Aurora Mental Health but they're ignoring me so -  it may have to be a formal complaint.  Technically, 42 CFR violations have to be reported if another professional knows about it.  I was hoping just to have the errant therapist coached by her clinical supervisor.  My daughter refuses to sign a release to protect the bad shrink.

They are probably ignoring me because they think I want to defund them.  I do but only because of incidents like what I wrote above.  This is the first time it's happened to someone I actually KNOW.

Many people at the city leave me alone now, even when the conversation could benefit them. At least, they don't play a further role in the harassment.  My ex is now using an entity called CO-PEP to run up my legal fees (which now top $19,000).

CO-PEP exists to help "deadbeat dads" "right-size" their child support.  This means, helping them find LOWER paying jobs (meaning poverty level) and coaching them into how to reduce child support, drop their arrearages, get out of covering kids on the health insurance and gain more custody time.  They are NOT very transparent (which irritates me as a political activist).  I'm surprised that they get away focusing on SOLELY on fathers.

These abusive guys made their bed.  Previous studies have shown that these type of programs (which existed in the 90's) made a little dent in how many fathers were involved in their children's lives or paid child support.  Putting the financial responsibility on the mother and the taxpayers is NOT a solution.  Perhaps they should look to psychology for answers (e.g. domestic violence, personality disorders).  This is just another way for abusers to control their former partners on the taxpayer dime.  They will continue this pattern of messy beds whether or not CO-PEP is defunded.  Deadbeat abusers will just DO it again with other women.

Sorry to burst anyone's bubble. If welfare for single mothers doesn't work, why would welfare for deadbeat dads work?

Think about it.

Perhaps the point is to keep me too busy working to play politics. I work nearly every day of the week so I miss a lot of political meetings (for now).

The kids will grow up in three years.  CO-PEP had best hold fast to it's boots.  I'm already sharing my experience with Battered Women's Rights Groups.  Let me say, the reaction is best stated as rage.

It's hard to believe that Colorado coddles deadbeat abusers and actually brags about it online.  Oh yeah, news stories abound.

*****
My ex called me up on January 2nd calling me all sorts of names.  He was dumb enough to text quite a bit of nasty crap to me calling me a liar, stating that I made up the stalking and all sorts of shit.

I told him from that point he was to either send me an email or sign up for Our Family Wizard.

That is when he demanded mediation.  I shelled out another $4,000 for a lawyer only to find out, after quite a bit of back and forth and money, that he didn't want mediation.  At first he claimed CO-PEP wanted it to discuss my dropping his arrearages and child support.

Then he claimed that I wanted mediation.

Things went silent for a few weeks and then he sent my lawyer a message stating that he was refusing to cover the children on his insurance because he couldn't afford it.

She asked for his income information and everything went silent again.

His behavior is strange.

It dawned on me that he's doing this for attention and to feel a sense of control.

He is poking the bear to she how she will react.

The man has known me nearly 30 years.  He ought to know better by now.  I have a talent for standing up to (or annoying) people who abuse their power in government.

That's why he runs to the government with his sob stories as it, sometimes, gets him help in harassing me.  Nothing pisses off a former foster child turned libertarian activist more than a government servant using tax dollars to mess with my financial situation so much that I qualify for welfare.

My ex trying to control my time, my money and my energy.  The sad fact is that the more control he tries to exert over me, the more control I actually have over him.

Things will get better soon.  They really will.

Love ya,

S.