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A Sad Realization



Today I am thankful for love and the realization that I'm too afraid to get into a relationship. 

So....I had a mishap with a vial of glycolic acid on my face.

I have third degree burns around my mouth.

It's healing nicely.

It won't scar.

With the injuries to my face, I never expected....

well....

I never expected an invitation.

The injuries are easy to conceal with Estee Lauder make-up.  The problem, though, is that the stuff is so darn heavy, that if someone brushes against your face, it will literally take scratch the finish and you'll end up with a deep line where the person touched you.

****
So...I work with a man...

my age....

studying addiction counseling....

who plays a multitude of instruments (just like me)….

Well, not just like me....

he sings better than I.

The thing I really like about him is that he sees the beauty in every person he meets.

I think there is something healing about a counselor who can see the beauty in an addicted person who feels ashamed of the state of his or her life.

Everyone is beautiful to him.

Except the beautiful woman at work who has a crush on him.  She snapped at him, so he doesn't like her.

That's sad because she really has the hots for him.

Me?

I have feelings for a guy from my past.

I have feelings for a DJ I adore.

Outside of these two guys (who nearly have the same first name), I don't think I feel much of anything.  These guys were close friends at one point, so that it why I love them.

I have my excuses for staying distant from these two.  I know it hurts my DJ friend (but, to be fair, he is a legalistic Christian - my religion would drive him batty).

Now....

I've pretty much swore off relationships because I have to work so much (yeah...there's more going on in the financial department but....well....I can only count on me to support the kids)….

and with the home repairs, I'm sleeping four hours a night.

This guy I work with asked:

I told him that I stopped dating when an older woman who resembled my daughter watched me on dates.  It turned out to be my sister-in-law.

Creepy.....I never want to look up from my cup of coffee again to see a member of my ex-husband's family watching me.

There are too many other things to do in life so....

I gave up.

******

Well....because I'm tired, I'll try to keep it short.

The man I work with slipped me his phone number and asked me to come over to his place to make some music.

Um.....

You know.....

The last time I fell for that line, I had to find a quick exit from a sound engineer's bedroom.

I thought it was about recording music - but it quickly turned into something I was ill prepared for.

Now.....

I just can't.

I don't have the energy right now.

******
I'm not sure what it is.

Perhaps he's just moving too fast.  I've only known him three months.

Maybe he felt sympathy due to the burns on my face?

Or maybe he's excited that I can play bass?

Or maybe....

I don't want to think about it.

******

Maybe I'm not afraid of the stalking.....

Part of me thinks I have diagnosable body dysmorphic disorder.  After years of a sexless marriage, I think of myself as undesirable.

It could also be part fear.  My stalkerish uses financial abuse to stay in contact.

Financial abuse gives him the upper hand. It gives him control.

If I date, it would be something my ex couldn't control.  He needs control (it's a primary feature of narcissism).

I don't know what could happen if I tried to date again.

*****

Things happened today that were disturbing.  My ex-husband showed up unexpectedly where I was and the kids tried to hide it from me.

Could have been a fluke.  I don't know.

The way the kids pushed me out of the venue made me very uncomfortable.  I feel the urge to shrink back and hide again.

*****
Dating?

I'm probably just not ready.

This guy sounds almost perfect.

Except one thing - he's a former Anarchist turned Socialist.

I cannot fathom how that would happen to anyone.

*****

Again....I could be afraid of the stalking.

I keep seeing Facebook friends being stalked by their exes.  The police departments don't take them seriously.

One of these women was murdered last month (with her new boyfriend) but no suspect has been arrested.

Gosh....

dating is dangerous, isn't it?

Perhaps I should think about moving out of Colorado.

I don't know.

I'll meditate.  I wish I knew what I could do for other women in that situation.

I couldn't even  help myself.

How can I help anyone else?

Please stay safe wherever you are.

Love ya,

S.

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