Today I am thankful for sitting down with the kids.
I'm going to share what I was told just in case the stalking by my ex and his family returns full force, I'd like a place to document something.
What I learned sounds innocuous, even like a good thing.
If it stops where it is, it will probably be a great thing.
If it turns back into full blown stalking where third parties are threatened, it will be a horrible thing.
In the past, it always started out as small, legal things that fed his obsession and ballooned.
*****
I'll also say that in the past month, I've learned that my ex is refusing to honor the court agreements to carry health insurance on the kids.
He also refuses to pay his share of medical expenses.
I made a huge mistake agreeing to lower his child support based on the lie that was told about him having a substance use disorder. By agreeing to drop his support, I've agreed to allow him to get out of helping us financially.
Going forward, I'm NEVER going to trust him again.
I'm wondering if part of this is his anger over being asked to contribute financially. He doesn't know this but based on his income, the child support worksheet shows that he's paying about $200 less than he's supposed to pay based on his newly minted poverty income. I've let this slide. If he's not going to help, I may not be able to continue being so kind.
That, and, he still owes over $42,000 in arrears and $15,000 in judgments (for legal fees and money stolen from my IRA).
******
However, in the past four weeks,
the kids were upset about seeing him at the high school, at events that neither he or I were told about.
He is showing up to places the teens are outside of his parenting time.
At first, I commended the teens for telling their father about these events (school concert and a celebration).
They told me they didn't tell him.
In fact, they didn't tell me about one of the events. The other event, I had to cajole them to attend.
It's good that he seemingly wants to be a part of their lives. It would be good if he could communicate his presence because when he showed up to the celebration unexpectedly, the kids rushed me out of the venue without telling me what was going on. I didn't see him nor did I know he was there until after we left.
I'm not even sure they spoke to their dad.
I think it's healthy for them to KNOW their father will be somewhere.
I AM concerned about him just showing up to things without telling the kids.
I know that, when he refused to leave my home after the divorce, he did a lot of research about my life (including spy ware on my phone and computer) so he could, basically, keep tabs on me. He (or his relatives) often showed up in strange places unexpectedly (e.g. business affairs, dates I had after the divorce, pushing bump keys into my locks at 2:00 am).
I'm wondering how he's getting the information about the whereabouts of his kids and the events at the school?
This is where it feels weird, I wonder if this is the beginning stages of researching other realms of our lives that he is not privy to.
I stopped telling him about medical things because all it leads to is obnoxious, abusive harassment. He'd call me a liar (and other names). It got to the point of my taking a picture of the doctor's office to prove it to him. He probably did that because he doesn't want to pay for anything.
Ditto for school activities. I spend thousands each year on activities and testing fees. He probably ignores me so he can get out of helping with that.
If he becomes abusive, I stop communicating. This is probably exactly what he wants me to do.
****
I'm not sure what to make of it.
His showing up unexpectedly could be innocent parenting or it could be the marker of a bigger problem.
One thing is for sure, his refusal to honor the financial aspects of our divorce and custody agreement is intended to get my attention. It's intended to keep me focused and stuck on him.
I'm not going to do that.
He's won. He gets away with a heck of a lot more than most divorced men I know. Some would love to have an ex agree to drop his income by 60% so he could pay less in child support without forcing him to go through a discovery.
The law is clear, child support is based on potential income (in which he used to make $54,000 as an internal auditor) rather than real income (now $30,000 as a bus driver up from the $20,000 we agreed due to his non-existent substance use diagnosis). Non-custodial parents are not supposed to get away with under-employing themselves to lower their child support.
I'm still irritated that the State of Colorado taught him that the taxpayers will pick up where he left off and then harass me into picking up the slack. CO-PEP needs defunded (to be honest, it's only a matter of time before they are).
I pray this guy doesn't pick up the stalking again. I don't advertise any more due to the harassment (which costs me a lot of money - the more I make, the less child support/medical costs he will be on the hook to pay). I don't do anything online anymore either as I assume he's stalking me online.
I become terrified when they stalk me in public and harass my colleagues and friends.
I've been very good about not lighting my black candles. I remember what happened last time he scared the hell out of me.
I tell myself often that the deaths of two of the people he sent after me could have just been a coincidence.
Love ya,
S.
I'm going to share what I was told just in case the stalking by my ex and his family returns full force, I'd like a place to document something.
What I learned sounds innocuous, even like a good thing.
If it stops where it is, it will probably be a great thing.
If it turns back into full blown stalking where third parties are threatened, it will be a horrible thing.
In the past, it always started out as small, legal things that fed his obsession and ballooned.
*****
I'll also say that in the past month, I've learned that my ex is refusing to honor the court agreements to carry health insurance on the kids.
He also refuses to pay his share of medical expenses.
I made a huge mistake agreeing to lower his child support based on the lie that was told about him having a substance use disorder. By agreeing to drop his support, I've agreed to allow him to get out of helping us financially.
Going forward, I'm NEVER going to trust him again.
I'm wondering if part of this is his anger over being asked to contribute financially. He doesn't know this but based on his income, the child support worksheet shows that he's paying about $200 less than he's supposed to pay based on his newly minted poverty income. I've let this slide. If he's not going to help, I may not be able to continue being so kind.
That, and, he still owes over $42,000 in arrears and $15,000 in judgments (for legal fees and money stolen from my IRA).
******
However, in the past four weeks,
the kids were upset about seeing him at the high school, at events that neither he or I were told about.
He is showing up to places the teens are outside of his parenting time.
At first, I commended the teens for telling their father about these events (school concert and a celebration).
They told me they didn't tell him.
In fact, they didn't tell me about one of the events. The other event, I had to cajole them to attend.
It's good that he seemingly wants to be a part of their lives. It would be good if he could communicate his presence because when he showed up to the celebration unexpectedly, the kids rushed me out of the venue without telling me what was going on. I didn't see him nor did I know he was there until after we left.
I'm not even sure they spoke to their dad.
I think it's healthy for them to KNOW their father will be somewhere.
I AM concerned about him just showing up to things without telling the kids.
I know that, when he refused to leave my home after the divorce, he did a lot of research about my life (including spy ware on my phone and computer) so he could, basically, keep tabs on me. He (or his relatives) often showed up in strange places unexpectedly (e.g. business affairs, dates I had after the divorce, pushing bump keys into my locks at 2:00 am).
I'm wondering how he's getting the information about the whereabouts of his kids and the events at the school?
This is where it feels weird, I wonder if this is the beginning stages of researching other realms of our lives that he is not privy to.
I stopped telling him about medical things because all it leads to is obnoxious, abusive harassment. He'd call me a liar (and other names). It got to the point of my taking a picture of the doctor's office to prove it to him. He probably did that because he doesn't want to pay for anything.
Ditto for school activities. I spend thousands each year on activities and testing fees. He probably ignores me so he can get out of helping with that.
If he becomes abusive, I stop communicating. This is probably exactly what he wants me to do.
****
I'm not sure what to make of it.
His showing up unexpectedly could be innocent parenting or it could be the marker of a bigger problem.
One thing is for sure, his refusal to honor the financial aspects of our divorce and custody agreement is intended to get my attention. It's intended to keep me focused and stuck on him.
I'm not going to do that.
He's won. He gets away with a heck of a lot more than most divorced men I know. Some would love to have an ex agree to drop his income by 60% so he could pay less in child support without forcing him to go through a discovery.
The law is clear, child support is based on potential income (in which he used to make $54,000 as an internal auditor) rather than real income (now $30,000 as a bus driver up from the $20,000 we agreed due to his non-existent substance use diagnosis). Non-custodial parents are not supposed to get away with under-employing themselves to lower their child support.
I'm still irritated that the State of Colorado taught him that the taxpayers will pick up where he left off and then harass me into picking up the slack. CO-PEP needs defunded (to be honest, it's only a matter of time before they are).
I pray this guy doesn't pick up the stalking again. I don't advertise any more due to the harassment (which costs me a lot of money - the more I make, the less child support/medical costs he will be on the hook to pay). I don't do anything online anymore either as I assume he's stalking me online.
I become terrified when they stalk me in public and harass my colleagues and friends.
I've been very good about not lighting my black candles. I remember what happened last time he scared the hell out of me.
I tell myself often that the deaths of two of the people he sent after me could have just been a coincidence.
Love ya,
S.