I don't want to raise a kid that learns to walk into walls
or play in traffic
or votes Democrat
or something.
I'm sad.
I don't want to write too much about it.
One of the pre-requisites I have for mating is that my partner have the ability to think his way out of a box.
I'm hoping he's just having a bad day....
scratch that...
a bad week...
or two.
Sniff....
I guess I can tell you how to tell the wanna be's from the real performers.
The people who do what they say they do....
they have stories.
The wanna be's and the fakers...
don't.
Sigh......
I hurt.
I realized today that I'd rather be married to a 500 pound stalker guy with a brain,
even if it means that I'll never have sex again or be alone long enough to touch myself....
than have hot sex with a guy I don't know how to have an intelligent conversation with.
Sigh....
I'll just focus on politics,
avoiding my stalker,
and making enough money to finalize my divorce without needing alimony.
I miss sex.
He's hot.
But...he plays too many games.
He may even be pretending to be crazy to turn me off.
Sigh....
I'm off to cry in my own bed,
all alone,
in peace.
Sigh....
No matter how crazy my friend behaves,
I still love him.
Maybe it's not meant to be.
Love,
S.
Edit 12:17 p.m.
I had an errand to run at 6:00 a.m. I was exhausted when I came home and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I'm not dreaming of Thomas now. I'm dreaming of the guy that is pretending to be someone he isn't.
They're hot dreams.
My friend has this sweet, sensual, and sexy energy about him. It's not something I've ever come across before. Most guys are always in a hurry. This one bides his time.
It's not like he's not aggressive, he is.
He just doesn't rush every little thing. He revels in the moment. That is what makes it hot.
It's a shame when men don't see that what they are naturally is hotter than pretending to be someone else. People don't fall in love with you for pretending to be something that you're not. It's impossible to keep up a steady facade. It's those moments when you let your guard down that she gets hooked.
It was that moment when he got silly and started whispering that got me the first time.
There was a day when I saw him sitting on a commuter train; I caught him staring at my ass through the window.
He doesn't know I saw that.
Those are the moments that mean something.
I'm not fond of him when he pretends to be Michael Savage's alter ego who doesn't have a clue.
He just needs to be....himself.
Besides, he's not going to fool me at all. He can make commentary about politics all he wants but if he's never been in the game, he doesn't have a clue.
Sigh....
Edit 11:04 p.m.
I've been sick all day. I can't eat. I keep falling asleep and the dreams are bizarre.
Some of them are too hot to blog.
I miss fellatio. I don't know why I'd dream of doing that on a vinyl tiled kitchen floor by a refrigerator
I'm a little OCD and that seems a little unsanitary but maybe he didn't have anything else to offer me.
I don't know.
More than that, I really want to put my hand on my friend's heart and ask who the hell hurt him to the point he's masking the person he is from the world.
I want him to remember who he is and let go of what that person said and did to him.
I bet it was a chick.
I want to make him forget her.
It's the insecurity that destroys his boldness.
If he'd just be himself, he could change the world.
I can see it.
He's changed mine.
I'm doing what he told me to do.
I'm praying Michael gets what he wants.
I took it two steps further.
I asked the coven to do the same.
I saw a hypnotist buddy of mine last week to envision everyone getting what they need in thirty days. It was neat. I had a vision where I discovered a cave by the seashore and my friend led me inside and we found everything we needed to teach people how to trust themselves and learn to communicate.
Now, I'm dreaming about his kiddo and mine going into places and finding everything they need.
It's weird.
I'm sicker than a dog but more positive than ever.
Michael is actually telling me that he'll sign the divorce papers once I find someone to type them up and file them. He said that he sees the way I look when I talk to my friend online and he knows he doesn't have a chance with me anymore.
Wow....just wow.
Michael also went to the police to talk about his sister and her fiance stalking me.
That's a wow...too.
Maybe he's not behind it, huh? I don't know.
Maybe things will get better for everyone.
It's amazing what love will do.
Yeah, it's crazy...
but it doesn't matter how dorky my friend gets. That's not who he is. I see past it.
No matter what I say, I can't help but love him.
I miss him.
I haven't seen him since October. I betcha he forgot what I looked like. Maybe he'll stop loving me when he remembers that I am old and wrinkled.
On the bright side, maybe Steve will get what he needs in the next few weeks, too.
Today I am thankful for all the laughs I get from my dorky statist friends.
They tell me that in a perfect Libertarian world....we would live like Mad Max.
I kid you not!!!
Isn't that flippin' funny?
I mean...I see a world where people could grow food in their front yard and not be arrested.
They see mass starvation.
I see a world where a woman escaping an abusive relationship could change her name, move without getting permission of her ex, live in secrecy, and babysit children without having to save up money for government mandated classes and fees.
They see poverty.
How do I get it through to them?
You can either get in the way....
or empower.
They see Thunderdome. I see Freewill.
Oh...man... I don't know what to say.
So, when they pick on me for having a Libertarian love interest....what do I say?
Yeah, yeah...this is me...
And, I'm going to take my ideas from another Mad Max 80's video and tie him up...
(not a big fan of the song...too many belching sounds in it.)
What's wrong with being free?
Huh?
Equality is hotter than anything on the damn planet.
I bet that's more hot than anything my liberal buddies do.
I'm not sure my friend would let me role play obnoxious statist dirty TSA agent. If it's done right, it could be fun...maybe...
And, maybe they just want to take a look at how their over zealous regulation of every flippin' thing puts people in poverty. If I have to live like Mad Max, it's going to be because of a dumb bunch of commie liberals and conservative RINOs.
They try to be heroes and they screw everything up.
Sigh...
If people could love each other without greed, the world would be a better place.
Make it easier for people to be who they are, stop making it hard for people to share resources, and stop regulating people out of their occupations to give corporations a leg up.
I'm tempted to take 100 sandwiches downtown to feed the homeless and see if the cops arrest me for not having a permit. Guess who made the laws making it illegal to feed homeless people? The people who raise taxes promising to help the homeless before banning them from the city.
If I knew my stalker would leave me alone, I would find it fun to get the press.
Someday....
And, for my politician friends....please remember....We Don't Need Another Hero!!
Today, I am thankful that I live in a haunted house.
I have EVP recording software.
Today, I have a recording from a spirit named Joe who was born in 1939.
Mike's uncle died in 2002. His name was Joseph Jerome. He was born in 1939.
He knew Mike and his mother were abusing me. His last words to me were "I love you."
Everyone called him Jerry. Jerry was a blind child. His parents abused him horribly but I adored this man. Do you know why? He was one hell of a mechanic. He made money on the side and didn't let his disability get him down.
He adopted two boys with special needs. They were not defined by their disabilities.
When they told me that I had fibromyalgia, Jerry told me that it didn't define me.
I stumbled on his grave site a few years ago. A crazy thing happened that day. I heard his voice tell me that he was with his sister at the hospital. I knew his sister since I was fourteen years old. She was a surrogate mother to me.
Yep, I received a frantic call within moments from a relative needing a ride to the hospital. She didn't know which one. I knew. Everyone was freaked out when I dropped the woman's daughter off at the right ER. How did I know?
I think it was Jerry.
If he's here, that would be ultra cool.
Here is the crazy thing.
Whenever, I miss my friend and don't think that I'll ever be with him...
the software will pick up the same word.
Believe.
Okay, I'll believe everything will work out.
I'm stuck in a blizzard. I probably won't be able to visit with my lawyer tomorrow.
I feel horrible.
I wish I hadn't gone back.
I wish I hadn't let the stalking scare me.
I wish I had not listened to stupid politicians.
I didn't know....
I didn't believe....
I'll try now.
Men shouldn't have to wait. If something doesn't break soon, I'm going to have a tough time believing. If the timing isn't right. Maybe I'm not the one.
I'll fight for it. I just don't like to bring other people into my battles.
If I am treading water in a lake, do not jump in to save me. I'd never forgive myself if anyone else drowned, especially someone I loved. You can throw me a rope but don't you dare put yourself at risk. Do not let yourself fall into the water. I'll find the best way out.
I'm obnoxious enough to fix this. I just need to find the most appropriate way to do so.
Hmmmm.....
The recording also says something about Mexican food and something I don't know. I keep hearing something that sounds like
T-lacks-casa.
I feel horrible.
I wish I hadn't gone back. I had no idea my friend felt the same way.
It's getting stronger every day and I don't know what to do.
Now, he's saying 1824.
What it the world is that?
I don't know.
I guess the blizzard will buy me more time to clear my head. I think my stalker is watching me on Facebook and I'm terrified to post anything.
My friends are calling me because they are worried.
Today I am thankful for my ability to put two and two together.
I finally figured out exactly what is going on.
Mike had a rage attack when I asked him to explain the stalking to me. He got into my face and started raging. He was eating pizza at the time and ended up spewing it all over himself and me.
It was chewed up pizza. It was all over his face, his shirt and me. It looked like vomit.
Imagine a 500 pound guy spewing food in a fit of rage. I don't know if I should laugh or vomit.
ABC (already been chewed) pizza smells like vomit.
He came at me, yelling that he "didn't do it" and pointing his finger in my face.
I got scared and demanded that he back off. He refused. He got closer. I found myself cornered.
He got closer.
I slapped him.....hard.
He grabbed my arms and I considered kicking off his nuts.
I managed to wiggle free.
He was yelling the whole time. I tried to shout over him and gave up.
He eventually stopped and ran into his basement home screaming that I don't want him anymore.
Oh....he's jealous of my friend! I get it now.
Then he came back to do it again.
When he settled down, I explained the role of oxytocin to him. When you're screwing a female, sex hormones make you close. If you act like a nut and you're banging here - she probably won't smack you if you harass her. The hormones make her docile.
If you haven't had sex with her in years, she's going to treat you as she would any other raging lunatic on the street. If you hit her, you are dead meat and your gonads are going to be smashed in.
Why does sex die?
Well......
If you're an idiot,
If you yell at her in public,
If you spread malicious gossip to your family and they repeat it to her,
If you steal money,
If you hide it,
If you stalk her at work or let your sister threaten to kill her over shit you've said....
she isn't going to touch you.
I thought this was a "fake" marriage for the benefit of his ego and the kids. That's what we agreed to do. It's been that way for years. I'm tired. I want out. I don't act like I'm married because...in reality...I'm not.
I need to bite the bullet and force the divorce now.
I understand why his sister chose to act out on Friday.
My friend asked me to go to a concert on Friday. I refused thinking that he'd get to take out a more beautiful and more available woman. I don't trust myself around him, so I'm trying to stay away until I get a certain document signed. One of the things I love about my friend is his high moral standards and sense of ethics, so I am not touching him until I am dead certain that my ex understands that our arrangement is completely over.
My friend is also hot as hell.
If I touch him, he'll never trust me. It may even make it hard for him to trust another woman.
Mike has got to sign on the dotted line. For six years, Mike will promise to sign it then he'll change his mind.
During his rant today he said something about me potentially having sex with my friend yesterday at a concert. I didn't go to a concert. I stayed home to talk to victim advocates and get a safety plan together. I spoke to relatives until midnight. I spoke to Mike until 1:30 a.m. trying to get him to consider talking to his mother. At 2:22 a.m. I did another ritual to ask Isis to bring my friend find his true soul mate just as dedicated to him as she is to Osiris. When Set dismembered Osiris in a fit of jealous rage, Isis circled the globe to find all the pieces of his body. She found most of them. What she couldn't find, she recreated for him out of gold and breathed new life into her love with her kiss.
That's dedication.
That's what any guy needs.
I figure that if I'm the one for him, I'll get the hell out of here safe and sound. If it is not me, I'll get to see my friend smile again.
It's a win-win for me.
So, about the stalking. I figured out what is going on. The stalking happens when I'm talking to men or working at a job where I am near men.
I volunteer in politics and am always near men.
I am a hypnotist and most of my colleagues are men.
He's going to have to get over it.
One of the victim's advocates thinks he put stalking software on my computer because he seems to know whatever other people say to me online.
They also warned me about leaving my equipment available to him. When I hired a sound engineer to set up my recording program to make my voice sound better, I found my computer on the floor the next day. My hard drive was toast. I lost all the work the sound engineer did. I was hurt.
I think Mike is f'ing around with me but not in the way any woman wants.
So, I'm debating staying offline.
Okay...
Mike is jealous. He's tall. He's got a full head of dark hair. He's a narcissist. He doesn't understand what other men have that he doesn't.
It's called a conscience.
Sigh....
Mike had better go off and find a nice little chick who likes being dominated. He'd best not make me get out my pendulum. I'm tired of playing nice with a jack ass.
Hell hath no fury like a red-headed woman threatened.
Don't ever threaten to go to war with a devotee of Ares.
It'll be a bloodbath.
Love,
S.
Edit 12:47 p.m.
Never hit a Wiccan.
Never, ever corner a Pagan.
I forgot about this.
Most of us wear ceremonial jewelry. We go to rituals, we bring rings (mine tend to be obnoxious) to collect the energy of the service and wear them as tokens of the ritual).
When I slapped him, I wore an obnoxious Amethyst with a 4ct. stone on my right hand. It is said to contain the energy of an Ifriti and a grounding spell. On my left hand, I wore a 17ct. natural sapphire ring that I wear to all of the rituals. It has thousands of spells on it.
I have a friend trying to teach me non-violent communication.
I worship Ares.
It's not going very well.
I'm working on it.
Another friend, with the same name, uses it in his legal practice. He's offering to solve my problem for me by sitting down with my stalkers to find out what need they have isn't being met.
I don't care anymore. I'm terrified.
I spent several hours on the phone with cops and victim advocates yesterday.
The first person told me to go out of town.
The second advocate told me to go to a shelter but when I told her this had been going on for a 21 years she had me call an expert.
The expert told me to stay here.
If I have found gps boxes on my vehicle in the past, there is a chance a new one is there. Going out of town would put me and others in more danger as they would find me in an area I didn't know well.
She also said that the man in the basement is behind it. If I am not here, he'll get very pissed off and call on his proxies to amp up the harassment.
She gave me a lot of safety tips.
Then she asked me what happened this week to make my ex insecure. I contacted a divorce attorney to make our split official. I've done this a lot over the past seven years. Every time I do that, I get stalked.
That IS why his sister is harassing me this time.
It's my move. Every time I try to make the split official or say I don't want him (including when I was working on exiting another relationship 21 years ago and wasn't interested in men) one of Mike's relatives starts harassing me.
Every flippin' time I do something independent of him, his sister or cousin come after me.
He put his sister up to it.
This time I've been trying to use non-violent communication. My two friends with the same name are both heavily into it.
Both of my friends called me yesterday wanting to know what is going on. I really have no clue other than my sister-in-law tried to get into the house and is Face-booking about hanging out around my house. There was something about her swearing up and down that she's never been in this side of town.
I don't know.....someone is playing games.
My friends want me to use my heart to try to get to a win-win.
So I asked...
Mike, what need isn't getting met?
After six hours, his ego admits that he expects me to stay here because divorce would be embarrassing for him.
Mike, what does Shannon want?
He doesn't know.
In recent months, Shannon tried to break into the house. She had her boyfriend harass me at work and on the street. She's bragging about driving forty-five miles out of her way to visit a gym down the street even though there are three near her home. I used to do secret shops for this chain and report to corporate what I saw during my visits to their gyms: I know that there are nineteen facilities between her home and mine.
Why is Shannon doing this?
He doesn't know.
Somewhere between 1:00 and 1:30 am., after admitting to stealing more money out of the retirement accounts and hiding a second retirement account, he admits something to me I didn't know.
His mother has been calling here, in tears, asking for him to move in with her. Shannon still sleeps at their mother's house but is planning on moving. His mother lost her spouse three weeks ago as he passed away from lung cancer. She's lonely.
My ex won't talk to her except to yell. Yelling is how they deal with problems. They talk like crazy people. I don't speak crazy.
I can't make him visit.
Maybe Shannon is trying to get our attention on behalf of their mother?
Oh, and it doesn't help that Shannon had our email passwords and code to get into the house through the garage.
It's getting harder and harder to believe that Mike isn't behind all the stalking. He spent Valentine's day on the phone with his sister. He may be putting them up to this.
I'm thinking that I'm being punished for trying to make the split legal (yet again). In the past, I would stop the process at the first hint of stalking and hang on to the paperwork.
This time.....
I can't reward bad behavior.
This marriage has been incredibly expensive for me. I can't take it anymore.
Love ya,
S.
Edit 11:21 a.m.
I haven't been to facebook for 24 hours. One of my therapist buddies is really freaking out as a friend of his was murdered for trying to be nice to an ex that would not let go.
He sent me an email and told me to stop taking pity on the jerk.
He's right. I am staying here out of pity...not fear. The man threatened to kill himself. He says he has nothing to live for.
Other therapists would say that he is threatening to take me out with him. I've never heard him say that.
Why can't he find some chick to get him laid?
I haven't been with him in years. Maybe he needs a lady friend to take the edge off?
Help?
I really want to take my lawmaker buddies to task for this. They keep stretching out the waiting period for divorce. This is what happens when you do that. You give the creepies more time to harass you into staying.
Someone told me that Ms. Creepy stalker (aka Shannon D.) facebooked and tweeted that she is working out every evening at a fitness center in the shopping center where I buy groceries every evening. The grocery store is a mile south of my home.
What's weird about that?
Well...
She lives in a town called Thornton which is 45 minutes north of my home.
She works in a town called Broomfield which is over an hour away, it is north-west of my home.
She volunteers and attends a church in Golden which is nearly an hour away, again in a mountain town an hour north-west of my home.
I can't fathom why she is here every day. These fitness centers are all over the metro area. They're like McDonalds. I don't understand why she had to choose that particular one to visit.
Her relatives are telling me that the truck that sat in my driveway belongs to her boyfriend Doug. I'm being told that she is the woman who tried to break into my home and that she is bragging about her use of GPS technology to stalk. She also drives a little white car not unlike the one I described sitting in front of my house not too long ago.
I'm also being told that her boyfriend Doug was the guy that followed me when I was having lunch with my old friend Thomas in my home town and went on to threaten the people in my office building.
In the past, she pulled on a gun on my neighbors. They were so freaked out, they ended up moving.
Okay....I'm scared.
And she's using nearly the same moniker for social networking that I'm known for.
I'm a tad bit freaked out.
Today I am thankful for hotel rooms.
Once I escort the kiddos home from school, we are outta here for the weekend!
What I find weird about the whole thing is that the man in the basement is begging me to stay put here and telling me that I cannot leave this weekend. He doesn't understand that I don't feel safe knowing that his crazy sister; the gun toting chick who likes to threaten my friends and neighbors is hanging out nearby.
Why?
Did he put her up to that because I'm talking to my divorce attorney again?
Or maybe this is some stupid bid to keep the house?
He can have it. I just won't clean it now before he buys me out of my half. Maybe I'll ask for the deposit I put down with my inheritance back, too.
He shouldn't harass the housekeeper.
Look, I tried doing everything he wanted in a bid to make the stalking stop. It got worse.
Stick a fork in me...I'm DONE!
Today I am thankful for my lawyer.
No more Ms. nice guy.
Today I am also thankful for my reputation.
Oh, there is one more thing that cracks me up. Shannon is running around telling everyone that she's never going to get caught because she has friends on the police force in my district.
Hmmmm.....
If she's my stalker, doesn't she have a clue who I am? She should know. I'm sure she saw the papers.
I'm the crazy chick who fights tax hikes in this city and argues with the mayor in public forums.
If the cops save my ass from her, they can always point that out should I start bitching about their tax hikes in the future. The media would have a field day with me!
They'd say things like
"Siegfred doesn't want a police department but who does she call when a crazy chick puts a revolver in her face? She's lucky we have big government! (and so on....and so on....and so on...). "
It is well established that I like the police department and will go to bat for individual officers but the powers that be like the arnarchist line too much and use it to paint me as a crazy chick. This, in and of itself, will work against the person stalking me.
Does Shannon really think that some officer is going to put his badge on the line to protect her? No!! He might use her but he won't protect her. He could wind up with a pretty promotion.
Shannon will probably end up being a fall guy in this.
If Shannon has honestly made friends with a peace officer in my town for the purpose of harassing me, she may want to step back and ask herself what is in it for the officer.
This game may not benefit her at all.
I could easily see me shamed in the media. Her arrested and the cops tooting their own horns while the council easily asks for a tax hike because I won't be in a position to do much about fighting it.
If I were her, I'd think twice about bringing her stalking to my town.
Gotta go.
Love ya,
S.
Edit some time later:
Victim's Advocates are interesting folk. I used to be one in the days before the internet, gps, and cell phones.
They've come a long way in fifteen years. They do a lot with technology now.
I'm being told that I'm being punished for talking to my divorce attorney and having another love interest. They advise me to stay here until I can get a court order allowing me to leave unless I am in danger.
My leaving will only escalate things. They're thinking that my ex is orchestrating the stalking in the hopes that I'll run to him.
He's not the one I'd run, too.
Stupid man... I know that is judgemental, but really...that is a dumb thing to stalk a person over.
Geesh!
This is so stupid.
I guess I have to find a new grocery store now. What a brat! I hope Shannon knows driving an hour out of her way to go to a fitness center increases her odds of dying in a car crash exponentially.
Today I am thankful for the random people we meet in public.
I spent the day waiting for my lawyer to return my call.
After spending some time on Facebook, I noticed that my adorable friend had posted something about wanting a woman to blow his mind.
That set my mind to wandering.
I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. They are remodeling one of the stores up the road, so I'm getting lots of stuff for next to nothing.
I snagged bags of almonds for $1.00 and bags of Hershey's candy bars for fifty cents. I left for under $20.00 and had several bags of food.
The entire time I couldn't get blowing my friend's mind
out of my mind
no matter how hard I tried.
While I was perusing the clearance aisle, I witnessed an elderly woman walking up to a grocery clerk and hugging him. He looked shocked. The elder said
"I'm psychic and I can see goodness and love radiating from you."
As I walked passed the couple, I overheard the old lady exclaim
Today I am thankful that perfectly horrid days are few and far between.
I don't want to b!tch too much or else all the bad stuff will keep happening.
In a nutshell, my ex came home and announced that we were getting divorced because he can't protect me from his sister.
Then he tells me to screw my friend.
Then he tells me he wants me back.
Then I tell him I think he's my stalker and he runs off.
So...
Shaken, I go upstairs to take a shower. I have a little tiny vial of some kind of heavy duty acid. I think it's TCA. I don't know. All I know is that I have to dilute it to a 10% solution or my skin falls off. I'm trying to burn off my stretch marks and dry skin in preparation for spring.
I carefully take the top off the bottle and drop it before I get a chance to dilute it.
It falls all over the sink, the floor and some of it landed on the outside of my most sensitive part of my naked body.
On the front....I now have third degree burns.
Thank goodness I don't have a partner!!
Darn it!!
Hey...on the bright side, the acid takes stains off of porcelain sinks quite nicely.
I'll keep that in mind.
It looks like I'm going to be celibate a little while longer.
Well...
I could be creative....
if I could justify it...
for the right person....
This is karma for telling the hottest guy on the planet no, isn't it?
This is karma for not going to a concert that I would really enjoy.
Bring it karma...I deserve it!
I guess I'll have to stock up on skin ointment. I betcha this is going to scar.
Sigh....
I hope the boils go away soon. I don't want to have to explain this to my physician.
Being vain certainly leads to some serious adventures.
Today I am thankful for fiends...oops, I mean friends.
I'm exhausted today.
I spent too many hours hugging my microphone. I think I know what happened here, I replaced one Mike with another.
Bad joke....
I'm tired. I had a three hour coffee break with a darling friend. She told me how Steve had to walk nearly a mile to rescue me when I got lost on the train on my way to a demonstration. She's like.....so you have a crush on Steve, don't ya? He's kinda cute, huh? Yeah.... He's a sweetie, too! So...you're going to get that divorce. Yeah.... the stalking is driving me nuts. My friend gave me the secret to ending a six year celibacy streak. Vodka or Pot (pot, only if your have less than an ounce and live in Colorado or Washington). It won't be pot because I don't want to destroy my voice. Okay....got it!!! Let's see... Another friend gave me software that records and transcribes EVP frequencies. These are frequencies that some claim that the dead use speak to us. I collect stuff from haunted houses. Between 6:00 p.m. and 12:12 a.m., I became incredibly disappointed because I got nothing. Nothing... At 12:20 things got weird. I was on a gun rights rant and the recorder kept picking up the date 1778. I don't know what I was doing when I heard the word "fang"....I was probably bitching out a Senator for saying women are too dumb to when when they are being raped.
I was all like: Bend over, Bucko. Let me demonstrate!!! Let's see if you can't feel my 5" heels plowing through your pants!!!
I'm going to miss my red locks when I go gray. I get away with crap my blond and brunette counterparts can't say. People expect me to be much meaner than I am. I'm pretty damn rude and crude but people still call me sweetie. Anyway..... I was helping another friend married to a narcissist and I saw the word "willow" come through. Maybe the software sucks and picks up my rants and echos them. I don't know. I'm going to light some candles, talk to the djinn, and fall asleep. They are incredibly interesting. You know, just the mere mention that I talk to djinn should scare off my stalker. I'm surprised it hasn't worked yet. I guess next time Doug approaches me to call me Satan, I'll ask if he sees my djinn and then say that I'm going to make that third wish now....
I wish for Doug to have severe shrinkage in his third leg and Shannon to gain her 300 pounds back so that when they say they aren't engaging in premarital sex people will actually believe them!
That should scare them both off! Hmmmmm....... Love ya S.
P.S. Okay, this is funny... I'm having dreams of being approached by Doug, Shannon and Shannon's brother William. In this dream, William tries to cast a Harry Potterish hex. Not knowing what he is doing, nothing happens. Then I threaten to sick a djinn on him and he runs off thinking I'm crazy. Ha Ha... That does sound like something I'd do.
This is a decision born out of fear of his sister and her stalking. She came to the house and tried to break in. I only learned it was her the other day.
I had tweeted about going to First Friday to see a couple of my friends. I didn't feel well, so I stayed home. It was during the time that I was supposed to be gone that she tried to get in the house with a key.
This stalking business has left me in poverty. I fear working because she tracks me down and harasses my colleagues.
I fear she will kill me. She owns a gun.
He fears that if she kills me, he's going to go to jail.
We realize that I truly need a new last name.
There are still a couple of points up in the air.
I don't know what to do about the house.
I fear living here.
He wants the kids to stay here so they can get scholarships for school but he can't care for them.
I'm praying for a job and an answer. I'm hoping I can earn enough money not to need alimony.
Today I am thankful for the lil' thrift shop in my home town.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I've basically been on my own since I was fourteen.
After my parents died, I was sent off to live with a rich uncle.....who was never home. He never gave me money or an allowance. I worked for whatever I had.
I also made friends with the women who ran the local thrift shop. That helped me have nice clothes that got me through high school.
Now when I have NICE stuff, it goes to them. They give a lot of stuff to battered women. The money goes to the shelter.
Many of the local consignment shops give their high end merchandise to them. I go and get new stuff for next to nothing. I swear, I have more shoes than Imelda Marcos. If I don't ever get around to wearing them before I move, they'll go back to the thrift shop.
I call that the cycle of crap.
I buy. I give it back. I buy some more.
It works.
I need a coat. I broke my zipper tugging on it too hard. They didn't have anything that wasn't gaudy. I won't wear fur. I don't know how to clean leather. So....I didn't get a coat.
My friend gave me a paper bag and told me to fill it up. She said they needed to make room and would give me anything I could fit in the bag for $5. So...
I got a brand new red suit, a really slinky black dress, and a couple of hot low cut blouses. Then my friend stuffed it full of jeans for me.
She said she sold me $80 worth of stuff for $5.
I left with a bag of clothes.
I tried to pawn it off on the teenager and she said NO.
So...
I'm at home doing laundry.
This was the first time that I went to my home town and didn't miss Thomas...oops, I mean Timothy.
I miss Steve.
It's horrid.
I went onto Facebook (like a f'ing freak) and saw something that Steve typed to me about being rejected, being undesirable, and that no sugar can cure his pain.
He has no clue. I have sugar that could cure his pain. I just need to make sure it doesn't cause more trouble than it is worth for him. I'd get that guy's neuroreceptors firing.
His blue eyes sparkle. His bald head is the hottest damn thing on the planet; that's a turn on. He glows when he sees me. That is cool, too.
I like gray beards, too.
He's smart. He's funny. He's filthy.
He's not a jackass.
I wanted to call him to ask if he was okay but I didn't.
I felt guilty.
My ex came upstairs and saw my red suit and started to cry.
I asked him if he was feeling well.
Yeah....he whimpered.
He mentioned that he met me when I was wearing a red dress and some stupid Chris deBurgh song was playing.
What the hell?
He doesn't want me enough to play nice and stop stalking! Why does he want me when I want someone else?
Damn him!
I'm going to have to move before I can stay warm at night, huh?
Sigh...and a hot lesbian friend of mine offered to teach me something new.
Worse, the man who proposed to me on the other side of the country keeps calling me.
Today I am thankful for phallic symbols and sexual anthropology.......and men.
Men understand what I am going through better than the women. I guess they are usually the ones shut out in sexless relationships. At least someone understands.
In my guilt, I realized that I was doing the same thing to someone else that I loved. I was rejecting him out of some stupid sense of fidelity and honor even though there is probably no reason to behave like that given the crap my ex says.
The truth is that I am not there for him. So, I decided to go to the market to get gifts for Aphrodite and Eros.
I asked them to find my friend a new love because...he needs it
and I don't like it when the politicians talk about me hanging out with men that aren't married to me.
I bought them decadent chocolate cupcakes. They're on my altar. I'm too lovesick to even want to eat any of the others. I gave those away.
Four hours later, the candles are still burning.
My room smells like roses.
I feel so hot.
At the market, I had this guy look at me and grin like a wild one.
The man looked familiar. I had no idea where I knew him from. Maybe he has a kid in the area? Maybe he was in the audience during those stupid speeches. I don't know.
He was staring.
I didn't understand it.
It took me a few minutes.
I was rummaging through the Valentine Day sales. I found a new, hotter, devil costume. I wore my other one out as I carry it with me everywhere I go in case Doug or Shannon accost me in public and call me a Satan again.
This one was HOT! Short skirt, sequined....I'm not sure that I could've pulled it off.
That, in and of itself, wouldn't make this guy smirk like that.
I looked at him and he quickly turned around and pretended to be looking at some paper towels.
Oh....
Then I looked in my cart.
It was filled with sausages. These were the most obnoxious links I'd ever seen. These were huge.
I hate sausages.
The man in the basement likes them. A well fed ex in the basement, stays in the basement. Besides they were 90% off. So, I bought several pounds of them to shove in the freezer. I think they were less than $1.00 a pound.
Oh....I get it!!!
I looked like a horny little devil!
Geez.
I tried to avoid him until he left.
I wonder where I know him from?
I'll probably find out soon enough.
Huh....
No matter.
I came home....
did my ritual....
had a filthy dream about my friend because I fell asleep on the floor while saying my prayer.
I went over to my computer and found a message from my favorite political adviser.
He knows I'm celibate.
Another candidate had me deposed when I ran for office and most of the questions posed over an eight hour period were about my sex life (or lack of one). There was some scandal about my ex allegedly throwing me into a wall as I slept. We don't sleep together. We don't even sleep on the same floor of the house. We don't share a room. I don't have a wall anywhere near my bed. I have a window. I have a door to a soft sided make-shift recording studio. I have bookcases. He couldn't have thrown me into a wall. There is too much damping and sound-proof foam around the surfaces of that room anyway. He couldn't do me any harm even if he tried.
It's a shame I don't get to scream it in though. I finally get my bedroom set up to where no one could hear me and I don't have a partner.
Isn't that how life goes?
Yikes....
Anyway, when it came to that deposition and having to talk about my sex life I found the truth to be incredibly embarrassing.
I'm so unsexy that I can't even get my spouse interested.....
I was fine so long as that was a secret.
It is a depressing thought.
This all came out during the deposition. I had to run to the political advisers before the lawyer's gossip hit.
That's when the secret was revealed. Everyone f'ing knows now!! It's no secret that I've been alone for years and cohabit for the sake of the kids.
No one could slam me for it, though. It made me look like an angel, sucking up in a bad marriage for the sake of my daughters and granddaughter. Any scandal quickly died with four little words.
"It's for the children."
This political adviser is also a friend of my friend.
He sent me this bizarre message about sexual anthropology. I have an undergrad in social science, a graduate degree in psychology, and several counseling certifications: I am familiar with many concepts pertaining to the theories of sexual attraction and monogamy.
I found it interesting to see that. I guess that was his way to give me permission to stop climbing the walls.
I don't know.
I think my friend and I are moving in opposite directions. That's okay. Guys need what they need. If he can get that need met, all the more power to him.
I want to get rid of the stalking crap first. I mean, the stalker gets to the men that know me. I can't do anything that will put my friend or his kids in danger.
This is killing me.
My ex and his therapist are working on the letting me go issue. Finally, my ex had the insight that the stalking was his way to get enmeshed in my life and keep tabs on me. He realizes that his family has issues with enmeshment, too and that is why they harass me on the street.
It won't be long now.
I hate the weekends here. My ex is in the house all weekend long. I end up hiding out in my bedroom unless I can find somewhere else to go. It sucks. It makes me cry. I can't record when I cry because people can hear it in my voice. So...I just sit up here and cry.
I want to leave.
All I need is my own money. I don't want to have to depend on a man to get my needs met. I'm working on it.
Men are fun simply because they are amusing and entertaining.
So, I realized today that what I have been witnessing is dysfunctional family theater.
I'm tired.
I ended up calling my relatives and telling them about the stalking, the shit at the office, the crazy red extended cab pickup that came to the house with the blond that tried to use a key to open our front door, the bloody underwear....
I bored them with every flippin' detail.
And, they agreed that I needed to do what I needed to do before I ended up deceased. So we have a plan now.
But, I have to share one comment made by my dear auntie.
Today I am thankful that I caught on to the never-ending excuses.
Now....
I'm being told that after the bankruptcy completes on March 15th, I have to wait to file for a divorce because he's going to get a government backed home improvement loan so that he can fix up the house.
Uh...NO!!!
First, I'm a Libertarian. The taxpayers should not be responsible for paying the interest on my gutter repair project.
Secondly....
I've waited over six years to get away....
No more delays...
No more crap....
I'm tired.
I spent my sexual peak being celibate.
I lost out!
I don't want to be here anymore.
And, now, I'm beginning to think that my staying is hurting someone else.
I think I've fallen in love with another man after being alone for years.
I won't hurt him.
This guy is a lot like me...it's actually kind of cute.
Other people notice me hanging out with him and they've made comments about it.
They think he's my boyfriend.
Oh, no....this isn't good.
I want to get away so I can sort out my feelings.
Do you know what my ex said?
He told me that he released me from my vows years ago, so I can go off and screw other people.
He doesn't want to divorce.
He just wants me to screw other men.
Uh.....
Now....
my ex is stalking me and blaming it on his sister. She may be stalking me but if she is, he put her up to it.
Why does he want me to screw other people?
Does he want a show?
Is the stalker going to film it?
Maybe he wants a threesome....he could be into that kind of thing.
I don't think I have many friends willing to do that....with a guy.
Maybe another woman....but a guy...not so much.
What the hell?
I explained to him that society has rituals and that it is customary to get a divorce decree so that the new partner doesn't look so dodgy.
Maybe if I could find a job that paid more than my ex makes...
and float the thought of alimony in front of him...
maybe he'd let me go?
I don't understand this guy.
I really don't.
I don't know if I'm in danger.
He is screaming at me over shit his mother did before I met him.
My voice is gone because I had to get him to shut up. I had to shout over him.
I hate this house.
I hate holidays.
I hate my ex (which isn't healthy because I'm supposed to respect him).
There is something weird here.
I don't feel safe at all.
I can't pinpoint why.
My friend said to wish for the very best for everyone involved.
Today I am thankful that 364 days of the year are NOT Valentine's day.
I hate Valentine's Day....
I hate it...
I hate it...
It has ruined every flippin' relationship that I've ever had.
Let's take a looksie, shall we?
February 14, 1984
My step-father beat the shit out of my mother. He held her head over a gas burner. He demanded that she take drugs with alcohol. She went to the hospital and was put on life support. She died on her 36th birthday (two days later).
This is probably the real reason that I detest Valentine's Day.
He felt so guilty about it that he committed suicide two years later. This is why my ex's threat to kill himself upsets me so. I know what suicide does to kids. My ex is pretty flippin' manipulative to pull the suicide card, eh?
Anyway...we should probably continue...
February 14, 1987
Thomas (oops, we're using pseudonyms now)
Timothy and I were at the mall, twenty miles from home. I wanted to surprise him with an old timey photo of me dressed up as a turn of the century hooker and he as a drunk. I knew the photographer and he had a very skimpy costume for me to wear.
I cringe when I think what has happened to the photo over the years.
Ewwww.....
I was nearly naked.
Just as the photographer was ready to snap the shot, Thomas Timothy declared that he wanted me to make a funny face. I didn't know what to do. I just gave my normal smile.
He fought about my smile the whole night long. I didn't make a funny face. He was mad.
We fought so much that we missed the last bus home.
I ran to my grandfather's house in the hopes of getting ride home but he was not home.
So, I had to rent a motel room across the street from the mall.
Good ol' Tom Tim elected to stay the night with me in that hotel room. He was over-protective back then. He didn't want me to be alone.
I hope he learned a life lesson that night!
Let me sum up for you.
I was a pissed off auburn haired teenager with PMS who, apparently, had an ugly smile.
He would soon become a sexually frustrated seventeen year old in a tiny hotel room where the only companion who wasn't mad at him was a trial sized bottle of lotion.
He did not get lucky!
We broke up shortly after that.
February 14, 1990
Ross had an older woman. He'd take me out to dinner and I'd spend the entire evening watching them dance together all night long.
I stayed home that night.
I had a friend come visit me. I hadn't seen him in over two years. Apparently, he saw me in town with bruises on my face and it pissed the holy hell out of him.
When we were younger, he and I were basically orphans. His family was out of state and unreliable. My parents were dead. We took care of each other when we had no where else to go. We were, quite literally, forced to eek out a living in a tiny apartment with other homeless kids.
He was very protective of me. I'll call him by his middle name, which is now Sampson.
So, Sampson, being the obnoxious man he grew into, sat up with me until 2:30 am, the time Ross would come home every night. He watched that door.
He just sat there watching television. We heard Ross's truck pull up the driveway. He liked to blare heavy metal music. So, we knew it was him.
He sat there waiting. You could hear footsteps. You could hear fumbling for keys. At the moment, the door started to open....
Sampson grabbed me and gave me a passionate kiss.
Then he walked out.
Ross laughed.
We broke up shortly after that.
I've only seen Sampson a handful of times since that day. I, quite actually, have no clue what to do when he shows up.
Men confuse me!!!
Mike...oh, gawd...which flippin' Valentine's day do I b!tch about?
February 14, 1992
We fought over the fact that I stared at a bass player's five string steinberger. He thought I was staring at his package.
UGHHHHH
No nooky that night!
He still gives me crap about that!
February 14, 1994
We broke up over stalking. His sister was everywhere we didn't want her to be.
Hnnnmmmmmm.....
I don't remember many of the others, they started to run together after awhile.
February 14, 2000
We didn't celebrate much after that because this was a few months after his mother spread the gossip and he started sleeping apart from me.
February 14, 2002
This was the worst day of my life.
I got drunk on New Year's Eve and ventured into the basement. I did a stupid thing and paid the price when I had a miscarriage that started on Valentine's day.
His mother called while was at the doctor's office getting my rhogam shot and left a disgusting message for everyone (including the sitter) to hear. She called me a baby murderer among other things and then threatened to hunt down friends of mine and beat them up if I didn't call her for my obligatory tongue lashing.
I was too ill to call her.
I still hear about that and do get anti-abortion literature put on my doorstep from time to time. My understanding is that this is my mother-in-law's way of bitching about me.
February 14, 2012
That was the day I learned that my ex had stolen the money, put it in his 401K and stopped paying the bills. He said he did that to keep me here with him.
On the bright side, that was the day I found one heck of a generous divorce lawyer. I was crying. He offered to help me fix it.
I'm taking his advice.
Take it slow. Be amicable. Play fair. I'm working on it.
February 14, 2013
Ooooh, I don't know....
I'll probably do nothing but count my blessings.
I hate Valentine's Day. It's so fake. Men do all these stupid things to get a little fun. My personal preference is that a guy should be given fun stuff more than once a year.
It shouldn't cost a box of chocolates or a cheap card...
If I eat the chocolates, he won't want the fun stuff anymore.
I'd flatten him with my thunder thighs.
Chocolates? No....
I prefer protein shakes. I mean that is the only meal in the world that works itself off on the way down.
Darn it...I don't know what to do.
I have feelings for a friend.
I went out with him by mistake 18 months ago as I thought he was another friend with the same name who hadn't left the house in a couple of years. I only accepted the "date" because I know how to deal with that kind of anxiety and was trying to be supportive of my friend.
I realized that I was wrong when the wrong guy showed up but it was a happy mistake. I liked the new guy.
I wrote earlier about having two friends with the same name. I used to confuse them from time to time. Their birthdays are days apart. They are both conservative political activists and for the longest time they had the same avatar. They even live in the same town!
The "wrong guy" has turned out be the right guy. I like him a lot.
It's a shame that I am not the right girl.
Now, what really sucks about this is that the other man offered me a shot at....uh...celebrating hump day. I told him we'd correspond by email until that passed.
Two men have expressed interest in me within a week and they have the same flippin' name!
I wonder if there is any truth to this numerology business? Hmmmmm....
I pretty much know who I like the most.
Here is the extent of my plans.
I'm going to stay home, take cold showers and sip iced tea.
I'm going to avoid talking to Mr. Denial.
I'm sure all will be well.
May you get lots and lots of nooky.
Love ya,
S.
Edit 2/14/13 2:38 p.m.
What part of "we are getting divorced but I'll stay to help you fix the finances" means
by me a 39 cent box of candy and a romantic card on Valentine's Day?
He doesn't get it.
Maybe I need to go roll around with another guy and come home smelling like cologne for him to take this a tad bit more seriously.
I've turned down a hottie out of respect for a disrespectful, lying, stalking idiot!
Okay, I also did that out of respect for Mr. Hottie because I want to be free of any entanglements just in case he falls harder. He doesn't see it as respectful though.
I'm trying. I have a stalker who talks about keyloggers and Mr. Hottie wants me to email him and tell him what is going on.
Hell NO!
He's gonna have to call or meet me face to face so we can melt the snow.
Or, I can try to set him up with a hot girlfriend of mine.
Hot men are a horrible resource to waste.
Sigh...
I'm not happy....not happy...
I hate Valentine's Day.
UGHHHH!
It's going to be a long day!
Edit 3:54 p.m.
Ughhh!!!
This day just keeps on getting worse and worse...
He told the kids that I was "bluffing" about the divorce. He has a romantic evening planned. Yeah, right.. he doesn't. If he did, I have blue lipstick that I'm going to paint underneath my eyes.
Yeah....I've not got that pseudo-flu. *Cough*Cough*.
There is no way in hell that I'm going to go out in public with him.
I just got home from a confrontation with the neighbor. He's a PI. I told him that I hired a PI to help me deal with the stalking.
He doesn't believe that I'm being stalked unless I'm having an affair. I'm not having an affair...I have too many f'ing scrupples for that.
My neighbor is telling me to "Think of the children!"
I have.
I have.
I have stayed here to try to earn enough money not to get alimony. I have tried to keep him from giving up 40% of his income to me. It's a shame he lets his sister stalk me at work and cost me my jobs. She can't do that without his help.
I am stuck.
I am angry.
I have thought of the children and he is using that against me.
I have thought about other people. That's why I've put up with this for fourteen years. That's why I've been celibate for six years.
This is getting old.
Stick a fork in me.
I'm done!
I'm not playing games. I'm not going to help people if they are going to use my kindness against me.
Edit 6:15 p.m.
Mike told me that he lied about getting divorced. He doesn't understand the pain associated with sleeping alone for six years thinking that someday you could find someone else to love.
Then he told me that his sister was my stalker. I asked him why and he said it was because he wasn't talking to his mother.
I told him to fix his relationship with his mother if that is the reason they are stalking me and ruining my life. Then he started yelling at me and sticking his finger in my face because I don't know what they did to him when he was a kid.
Then he went downstairs to call his sister to confront her about the stalking.
I asked him to go to the police first. He won't.
He's been on the phone with her for a half of an hour. I totally expect her to come charging at me again.
How is he not my stalker?
I've got to go....now!
Edit 8:27 p.m.
So, Mike comes upstairs and says that he told his family about the stalking and claimed that it was me that kept them away from his mother for thirteen years.
Nice...so, if he's right and they're stalking me...I'm dead.
His sister, the chick who has always admitted to stalking me in the past, had decent advice though. She told him to call the cops.
I have.
The cops say that Mike is the stalker and that he may be using his family as proxies to keep tabs on me.
Shannon D., dear, you're out of the clear.
I can't help your brother anymore, though.
He's scaring the hell out of me.
I'll call the divorce lawyer tomorrow and see if we can put this thing on steroids.
I get bellowed at for suggesting that he repair his relationship with his mother.
And then his family claims I'm not allowing him to talk to his mom.
I can't take it anymore.
If he's down to living off of $20 a week after alimony and child support, we'll see how quickly he fixes it with his mom. Watch....
I am pagan. As a general rule, we don't tend to gravitate towards social labels and norms.
We tend to have a religious structure; there are high priests and priestesses. We have covens (pagan prayer groups). Our lives are fairly ritualistic.
We tend to see material things and social status as things that we get in exchange of energy. The same rule applies to love, we get what we tend to put our energy towards.
Some of us tend to put more faith in religion than social customs. I'd rather see a priest than a doctor or a shrink.
When a mutual friend confronted me about being in public with my friend, he warned me to seek help for my confusion before I hurt someone. It was obvious to him that I was in love.
So....
I went to my priest.
And I told him my story.
Every Friday, I light a candle to Aphrodite and ask to have a relationship based in equality and deep love. I light a candle to Eros and ask that when I find this guy that I only have eyes for him.
I get hit on more often than I care to admit. I don't have the energy to deal with that. I want one person. I want him to know that he's enough. I don't want to ever be tempted again....ever.
I think the Gods answered me a couple of years ago.
Every new moon, I'll light a red candle and ask for my true love. There is a guy who does unexpected stuff around the new moon.
My friend will ask to hang out with me. He'll declare his love. He'll want to...uh...dance...naked.
After a six year drought, it is incredibly hard to tell him no.
He's everything that I find beautiful in a man; intelligence, charm, kindness, open, honest and he's handsome as heck, too.
He's Everything.
If we hooked up, I'm certain that I'd get the better end of the deal.
He's incredibly ethical. If I do anything to upset that balance, I'll lose him. I love that he has ethics and empathy. He'd never do anything to harm another human being on purpose.
Now, last October when I was doing a lot in politics, I asked the priest and his priestess to pray that I would learn how to love again. I was really losing patience with people wanting the wrong kind of things from government. I recognized that I had forgotten how to love.
I saw my friend the day after they prayed for me.
In November, when they asked if they could pray for me, I told them that I wanted to meet a soul mate who would help me do something to be of service to others.
Guess who started to write to me more often with his observations about society?
I explained the situation to the priest.
The gods have sent me the perfect guy. He's not too tall. He's adorable. He glows around me. His eyes sparkle. He values equality.
He was practically gift-wrapped.
I can't unwrap him until my ex allows me to divorce him. My ex and I have had this on again, off again thingy going on since 1999. He started calling me his ex in 2006. We've been separated since 2008.
We said we would cohabit for the sake of the kids until the financial crap improved. It's getting better. I'd like to work but the stalking gets in the way of my ability to hold a job.
It is not an equal partnership at all.
My ex hates me. He wants me back because I'm happy and have the look of love in my eyes. He apologized for telling me he wanted a divorce. He apologized for telling me to see other people.
I can't cope with the stalking. This is literally pushing me out the door.
He wants me back because I am glowing with love. I feel turned on a lot and he acts as though he can capitalize on that. It's not him I think about. I can't be with him. He didn't earn any favors from me.
I have to find a way to go.
So....the coven is going to get together to try a letting-go spell to push things along. It would be an affront to the Gods to ignore the gift they brought into my life.
I've got to sign off now. There is someone playing with the door handle. After all the stalking, I'm really scared to be here.
