Somber Day

 

Today I am thankful that I can feel...

I'm just not happy about what I'm feeling. 

My closest bass player buddy was found dead this morning.   He was the one whose mother raised my youngest sister in foster care.  I got him interested in playing so much so that his mother forbid me from talking to him for five years. 

Galen played in a local metal band.  

On Christmas, he was saddened when he couldn't come over.  His mother was sick and couldn't make it to the house for our party. 

Word on the street was that he had a crush on me. 

I adored him deeply -but- he's like a brother to me so, it wouldn't have gone anywhere. 

My entire family is in shock.  

No one knows what happened. 

My thoughts are two-fold; 

it's either the fucking Covid vaccine.  I'm seeing many people pass away due to blood clots. 

But - 

I'll be really pissed if he died from fentanyl. 

Times are rough.   

Sigh....

Life is not fair. 

Hold your loved ones close. 

For no one knows how much time we have with them. 

Love ya, 

S.  

Irritated Laughter

 Today I am thankful for a CEO who assuaged me from my guilt. 

Last week, I decided to leave my job due to a toxic work culture.  I was asked not to quit but to request a transfer because the entire company is short-staffed. 

I requested the transfer It was denied.  I was told they didn't want to lose me.  They offered me a work-from-home position instead. 

I hate working from home! 

I have a master's degree and work as a counselor.  I make what the kids at the burger joint make.  I justified the low pay because I want to help the community. 

So, I agreed to stay. I felt guilty for wanting to leave. 

Half the staff quit in the past three months.  They fired the supervisor.  I had to hire own my supervisor to comply with state law surrounding my credentials. I have to purchase my own insurance, and my own supplies (even my own key because the last counselor forgot to return hers). 

So - 

Today we get called in a meeting.  The CEO threatened us.  If we don't bring in a certain amount of revenue each month, they'll take away our so-called work-at-home perks. 

Do you know what I hate more than working from home? 

Threats 

and pushing me to commit fraud. 

No one I know is complying with double-billing.  We work to hard to get licensed, it's just not worth it.   

So - 

I guess I'll start answering some of those LinkedIn queries for interviews. 

Just putting this out there - if you are a CEO with a huge company pushing the boundaries of legality in a field known for a shortage of qualified workers... 

um....

don't threaten your employees.  If your billing software is broken, fix it.  Don't blame the workers for your revenue shortage if they're doing the work and the money doesn't match.  If you're not advertising your services, it is not up to your employees to drum up business. 

If I'm going to do advertising, it'll be for my private practice.  

I guarantee within the next thirty days, they are going to lose at least one of us.  If I were a betting person, I'd bet 20% of the staff jumps ship in the next month. 

Just watch. 

The thought of possible fraud just makes me want to hop back into activism.  Think about it - perhaps there is a reason Medicaid didn't cover much in the mental health department in years past.  

Sigh....

This company is giving me libertarian ammo. It would be a shame if I had reason to point and shoot my mouth off ( had to clarify that thought as too many people read figurative things literally).     

Maybe the addiction business isn't a good business for someone who cares about the taxpayers.  I've seen too much in the past twelve years or so. I've seen things ranging from allowing women to be raped in rehab and then setting them up with false charges to avoid a lawsuit, to bullying patients, engaging in wage and hour violations as well as requesting professionals engage in fraud.  I'm wondering if part of the problem is people working in addiction having to face their own demons. 

I'm seeing a lot of strange things that I've never seen before in the world of work. 

Maybe I need to go to my private office and dust a bit.  Maybe I don't play well with others.  

It's probably time to work for myself again. 

Hugs, 

S. 

Lucky

 

Today I am counting my blessings. 

My youngest is heading off to college to study forestry.  I remember, years ago, taking her to a National Park somewhere (New Mexico maybe?) when she was a kiddo and I was trying to escape her father's stalking crap. She had a conversation with a forest ranger and decided that this was what she wanted to do with her life. 

My daughter was beginning to doubt her career choice.  There was this horrible gut feeling that I needed to take the first and second week of June off and go to Wyoming.  It couldn't wait.  I don't know why.  I got the old Buick fixed up with new tires and drove 600 miles to Yosemite.   We spend numerous days in the Teton National Forest and finally made it into Yosemite on June 8. We spent the entire day there and I rented a cabin on a ranch with plans to go back the next day. It was gently raining when we left. 

Houston had a lot of fun at Yosemite.  Now, whenever I open the front door, he wants to jump in the car - lol! 

My daughters refused to go back.  They missed the cat and wanted to go home.  So we returned from our trip two days early.  

When we got back home, I learned that the park was closed due to the heavy rain and flooding.  Most of the roads were closed when we were there because the snow hadn't yet melted. 

Sigh...

I'm glad we missed the drama. 

Dramas happen all around us.  Most of the time, we don't see it. 

Let me tell you about the Raven at Old Faithful (the link will take you to a live cam of the geyser). 

There was this black raven who flew circles around the geyser.  It was scarred up and had some damage to one of its wings.  I wondered if the poor bird had been caught in a plume and wounded at some point. 

I, with my kiddos, watched the geyser as the bird continued to fly around Old Faithful.  Sure enough, five minutes ahead of the scheduled time, the geyser erupted and that bird flew a wide circle around the geyser, eventually landing on the sand to the right of the stream of steam.  It was like it was taunting the monument.  

That is one brave bird.  

I should go back, take some photos and write a children's book.  I'm surprised no one has done that yet.  It could be a good fundraiser for the park.   

Seems like a good story about overcoming trauma. 

I'm feeling pretty lucky that we didn't get stuck in the park.  This buck was very hyper, part of me wonders if he had a sense of what was going to happen. He kept charging at the cars.  Sad to think of what may have happened to him.  Animals are smart, hopefully, the wildlife isn't too impacted by the flooding. There are so many dramas and stories at that park that we will never know about.  

Listen to your gut, it never leads you astray.  

Love ya, 

S. 

Strange Times (with edit)

 

Today I am thankful for options. 

When I was hiding from my stalker, I kept my hypnosis office but rarely saw clients so I didn't have to worry about my ex's family hassling them in the waiting room. 

That happened too much when I did hypnosis full-time. 

I paid the rent faithfully and still do to this day.  I've been at my present location for well over a decade now. 

The only job I could do safely was work as a supervisor in a call center because the premises was on lockdown and my ex would be arrested if he threw a fit. 

Well, 

I've finally felt safe enough to go back into counseling and work in a facility with security. 

There have been no issues with creepy ex-husbands bugging me there. 

It's nice. 

I still see the occasional hypnosis client. 

Get this - 

I don't make much money. 

Most of my money goes into education or things for the patients. 

(shhh) 

My caseload has grown from 50 to 75! 

I've been given one three-hour group a week with the promise that my caseload would stay at 60. 

(yeah right) 

Everyone is quitting. 

I nearly quit yesterday after growing tired of the negativity and having a nurse gaslight me and a patient. 

It's a long story....

I'm working hours I don't even charge the company for.  There are twelve-hour days (tomorrow will be fourteen hours).  I asked to transfer....but everyone is incredibly short-staffed; it wouldn't be fair to do a complete transfer. 

The problem is that I have too much respect for my boss.  I just hate how corporate treats her and everybody else.  Part of me wonders if that is why a certain nurse gaslit me and my colleagues complain so much. 

*****

Work should energize you. 

When I do hypnosis, I leave work happy, energized, and wanting to run a marathon. 

Same with play therapy and art therapy. 

This is also true of volunteering with the homeless. 

My job just leaves me exhausted. 

I couldn't pinpoint it until today. 

I went in an hour early and felt like a badass running around and helping people whether or not they were on my caseload.  People had needs.  I filled them.  I was energized. 

Then a colleague complained that I had to help someone because the person assigned to her told a lie and refused to help her. 

At that point, the energy drained from my body.  I wanted to sleep so badly that I rubbed my eyes and smeared my eye make-up. 

I spent half the day looking like a surprised raccoon! My colleagues and patients are far too kind to tell me to check my face.  There are lovely people in the world.  

Upon making it home, I crashed.  I found myself awakened by a patient call.  I answered (off the clock) and did a session.

Now, I'm hyper. 

That is when I realized that I hate bitching.  I can't tolerate it!  

Okay...maybe that is the key to my survival.  

Stay away from complainers. 

******

Here is the rub. 

I just answered my email. 

I was offered an interview for a medical call center position that pays MORE than I make as a counselor. It's not even a supervisory role! 

Part of me wants to jump on it.  It's located near my hypnosis practice.  I could do both.  Maybe if I do that, I won't feel as burned out as I do now.   

What a sad day!! 

What in the world causes mental health professionals to be so undervalued that call center employees make more money? 

Sigh....

It would free up time to finish school. 

I'm a master's level addiction counselor and certified expressive arts therapist (music, art, play therapy).  I'm in school studying Jungian play therapy and am working on getting my Marriage and Family Therapy License.  Once I gain those licenses, I'll probably just go back to my office. 

In this business, the only way to make money is to work for yourself. 

(Here's hoping that the ex is too old to bug me.) 

That's food for thought. 

I feel undervalued as an addiction counselor and it zaps my energy.  Perhaps it is time to go where I'm valued. 

It's sad I'm actually considering it.  

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit 6/19/2022

Well...I think I'm depressed. 

I had a convo with the boss at another facility and asked to transfer due to, what I termed, "toxicity." This was my second request.  I was informed that they were waiting until my facility had hired more people. 

Then another employee at my facility quit. 

My boss will allow a part-time transfer which will take most of my caseload away.  I struggle with abandoning my patients, especially if they see me at the facility part of the time.  It could cause psychic distress to people wondering why their counselor dumped them. 

Yeah, I understand that they don't want to lose other employees.  The rub, was a tiny comment thrown in there about people in my age range.  It was insinuated that, at my age, it's best to stay put.  If I were younger, I could jump on new opportunities. 

I need to stay grounded.  I know a heck of a lot of counselors in my age range who have just switched jobs and are happy.  

Rather than transfer, I am looking for another job.  

I may wind up calling the medical call center tomorrow. 

It's hard to imagine that this job is aging me.  I'm having chest pains and joint swelling.  It doesn't help that their insurance plan denies paying anything - even for physicals and labs with doctors, they recommend from their plan.  I can't get refills on my blood pressure meds. Every time I call Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas, I get a different story; (1) the lab provider is not in-network, (2) the lab is in-network but the doctor I saw was not in-network, (3) the doctor I saw was in-network but the wrong doctor signed the lab paperwork, and (4) We cut a check for $57.00 (half the cost of the labs) but it was never sent (no one told me why).  I have been disconnected numerous times while waiting for answers.  I've been meaning to fill out the long-form with the Department of Insurance in Texas and request an investigation. I'm not even receiving estimations of benefits (which is required by Federal law).  They say they will send them.  They confirm my address.  They never arrive. 

I'm sad to say this, it is time to leave the company before it kills me.  I've taken on so much debt to set up practice the way they'd like it to be and taking courses to add new certifications so they can offer new services, only to find out that the company changes direction with the wind. They don't even help with malpractice insurance costs.

At least my investments are transferrable into my private practice.  

Yesterday, I found a memo encouraging Medicaid fraud.  I won't follow those rules. It's not their license on the line, It's mine.  Luckily, I pay for outside supervision so I can get an honest take on the legality of certain practices.  

We are in a recession.  Jobs are soon going to be very difficult to find.  It's time for me to jump ship and go back into private practice. 

There is a part of me wanting to move to Longmont.  I drove through last week and saw that the homeless population is burgeoning. With homelessness come the drugs that help people cope with the despair.  Boy, oh boy, I sure hope Ms. Liberal Crazy Pants isn't still on the City Council.  That could get awkward! 

Life is short - may you live and work in an environment that gives you the experience of joy and allows you time to live rather than just make a living. 

Love you, 

S

 

Living Incognito

 

Growing up, my parents constantly sang the Bobby Bare version of this song to me.  Yuck! 

Today I am thankful for my middle name. 

In my real life, my first name is slang for girl*. 

My middle name is a guy's name. 

My last name is my ex-husbands' because I was too lazy to change my driver's license.  It's one of the most common last names in the world. 

I'm finally realizing that is why the Democrats keep calling me Mr. [husband's last name]. 

They see my middle name and just rush to judgment. 

They think I'm a dude. 

I'm not Mr. Blah....

That's the name of my stalker!! 

Perhaps I need to change my middle name. 

It may just be easier to start publically posting my pronouns which are 

she/her/hers. 

****

How I came about the name was pretty weird. 

When I was 18 years old, I was being beaten by a drunkard so I left.  He kept finding me and trying to rape me. 

So...I just hid and changed my name.  I chose the same name as another woman in my city. 

It's a little bit funny because my own family still doesn't know my complete name. 

The ruse was up when the internet became commonplace. 

This guy eventually found me took me to court and pulled a DARVO. 

(the shit Depp is pulling with Heard). 

Denial....he wanted so bad to be a victim to assuage his guilt for beating me up. 

He lost his case. Once his experts learned what I did for a living, his case crumbled to dust. 

It broke my heart when his new wife called me crying and begging me to tell her how to stop him from putting her in the hospital.  I didn't know what to tell her except to call a domestic violence hotline. 

The name change only cost me $30.  

That was money well spent.  Before that, it was not uncommon for him to brag about ruining my vehicles.  He was a mechanic who had a penchant for cutting my transmission hoses. I had a good seven years free of him.  He found me in 1999. 

Creepos are expensive! 

He finally left me alone in 2004 after trying to push me into his car for sex.  My protective neighbors caught him and he never came around again. 

I think that was how Michael learned that I feared stalkers.  What harassment I endured from the first guy was quadrupled by Michael and his creepy family. 

This is probably why I won't date. It's not worth the risk.  

Maybe it's a good thing the Democrats think I'm a dude.  Maybe it gives me a sense of power. 

It's cool. 

I wonder when they'll connect that the red-headed woman at the City Council meetings is actually Mr. Blah the psychotherapist who wants to help homeless addicts - lol! 

I just gotta say, though, that this whole thing is bruising my ego a tad bit. 

Maybe I'll go on a diet, buy a few more wrap dresses and get myself a makeover. 

Love ya, 

Mz. S. 

*Darn, I just began to think my entire life is a Tommy Roe album given my name and propensity for vertigo - lol! Maybe my subconscious took in all those songs my mom used to play constantly around me as a baby.  Listening to the old Bobby Bare song (covered by Blake Shelton above) makes me wonder if  I internalized the bit about sleeping with guns and wearing red satin dresses - hmmm. Be careful what you sing to your kids. 

They could grow up to be overly dressy Libertarians - gasp! 

There are several songs with my name out there. I am often serenaded in public. 

I used to drive alcoholics in recovery to AA meetings in a huge bus. They'd sing an 80's tune to me. If I hit a curb, there would be a chorus of 

"Oh, [first name]," complete with fake British accents. 

It's adorable. 

My favorite song someone has sung to me in the street is from India.  An older woman sings this to me when she runs into me....she even does the little dance. 

Cracks me up ,,,,, 

This whole thing makes me grateful for those Dems that call me a dude. 

(Yeah, it's gone on for thirteen years or so now....almost like a running joke.) 

They don't sing to me. 

They respect me enough to throw facts and figures at me.  As a former researcher, I'm a data monkey. 

It took a while but, at least, I have my positive spin on it. 

Hugs, 

S.