Lyrical Psychology

Today I am thankful for the metaphors in songs.

When songs get stuck in our heads, it is often because the subconscious mind has something it is trying to bring to our consciousness.

I know there is something wrong when James Bond Theme songs get stuck in my head.  I think I'm about ready to ruin my world in a big way.

Usually, the sounds in my brain are bass lines....

....usually from the 80's.....
.....usually from Sting, Geddy Lee or John Taylor.

Don't laugh....I grew up with Duranies.  I lost a lot of girlfriends when I tried to start a band called Duranged Duranged.

I'm sure I've written about that.  Haven't I?


No?

Oh....well....I had a crush on Weird Al.  My friends loved Duran Duran.  I wanted to combine the two and tried to start a band.

We actually had quite a few spoofs written....

• The Reflex became The Rejects.
• Please Please Tell Me Now became a song about a dog who had to go outside and take a leak....Please Please Let Me Out.
• Wild Boys became Wide Boys. 
• A View of a Kill became A View of a Thrill. 

We wrote a lot of them.  I still have the notebook somewhere.  The band fizzled like most bands do.  We got together, drank a bunch of.....uh.....soda, giggled a lot and never played a note.  I offended a lot of my girlfriends doing that, too.  Making fun of the most popular boy band of the time was almost sacrilegious. 




Sigh....


If one were to read through the lyrics of the spoofs back in the day, one would see themes common among teenagers.  They were songs about feeling rejected, about our pets and ogling boys while fantasizing about how they were....uh...built.





I digress.  Let me get back to my point.  Yes, the words we write betray our thoughts.  One can extend that further to state that the songs we think about betray us; they betray the issues in our life and how we intend on dealing with them.
.

Sometimes songs get stuck in my head.  When that happens, I tend to analyze the tunes until I find the message.


For the past several weeks, I kept humming the same melody.  It took awhile to identify it.  It is contained within a James Bond theme song. 









It is not the whole song that I hear in my head.  It is only a certain set of lyrics (2:48):



I feel sick.
I feel scared.
I feel ready,

And yet unprepared....

I guess that says it all. 

The stalking is making me sick.  I've had vertigo since the Thursday incident and I got to the point of vomiting a couple of times.

I've been self-medicating with Valerian and Lavender water.

I'm scared.  I feel like I have no choice to be ready  to move but I am truly unprepared.

There is so much that I wanted to do before selling my house and moving. 


So much.....


And then I have people pulling out the stops to try to get me to stay....


my new boss explained that $30,000 was my base salary.  Apparently, I get hefty commissions.

A neighbor is helping me with daycare.
I have friends helping me install better security.
I still feel like I need to move!


I tried talking to Michael about the stalking.  He is blaming Steve. 

Steve didn't start harassing me in 1992 (or 1984 if you count the high school bullying from Michael's cousin and her friend).  Mike's family has been harassing me most of my life.  Why would I blame anyone else?



Michael says he wants me back.  He doesn't want therapy.  He doesn't want to work on the relationship. He doesn't want to move out of the house permanently.  He wants me to not see other people. I don't think it's fair to want to hang out in my home but not have a relationship with me.

I've tried to talk about moving out and letting him stay here with the girls.  Those conversations go nowhere. 





Uh.....how long can I be celibate?  I've closed my body off.  I'm not sure for how long. 

I think it's a game.  I think he likes controlling me but doesn't care about my needs. 

I wonder if he cares about his needs?  This is weird. 


It makes me think of this song.....




There are other men in the world.....including a hot hunk in an R & B band who likes to serenade me whenever I enter the room. 

When he sings these lyrics, I wonder what is on his mind?








He's hot........ but I'm not ready for the world of dating.  He has offered to help me tighten my bass playing.....maybe....I'll take him up on that.  I'm really super rusty. 

Whenever I hear this song, I miss my old school twangy Steinberger. I haven't had the heart to tell him that. 

Sigh.....

Think of the songs in your head.  What are they telling you? 

You can learn a lot about yourself if you pay attention to the lyrics.

Love ya,

S.

 

Moving On (with update)

Today I am thankful that I have had a lawyer and a realtor reach out to me.

So....

I haven't really written about the stalking incidents because I think it gives the stalker a thrill to see me write about it.

It hasn't stopped at all.  The frequency has slowed down but the events themselves have escalated.

My therapist thinks that both Steve and Michael are behind everything.

I don't know.

I can tell you that Steve has infiltrated a group consisting of several of my friends.  They recently posted his picture to Facebook and despite my attempts at blocking him, his face still winds up on my feed. I just block the people that post his picture.

The group he joined is about a mile away from my home.  Steve lives about 40 miles away from me.  There are several such groups between his home and mine.

God only knows why he chose to hang out in the area I shop at on Saturday mornings.


The one by my home is very far away from him and our offices.  I don't know.


That's not the worst of it.....

I have had weird events happen around the house.  Some of them, I'm not sure are stalking.


Like the guy who was lurking in my driveway wearing a kangaroo t-shirt claiming to be with Comcast.  He wanted to know the kind of phone service I used.  That was a little weird.

Comcast didn't send him out.  Dish Network didn't send him out.

Maybe he was casing houses?  I don't know.


That didn't bug me too much.....

The guy who pretended to be my insurance agent to try to inspect my house scared me.  He literally sat outside the house and blocked my access to my home on two occasions.

Ameriprise didn't send him.


Yesterday, someone came to the door with a playful knock around 1:30 in the afternoon.  This person stood by an open window, smoking a cigarette.  I was trying to get to a window to see who they were before answering the door.  At this point, I noticed someone by the window and the living room started to fill with the smell of tobacco smoke. 


As I went for a window on a different level of the house, someone turned on the water hose in the front yard.  I had a friend visiting at the time and she told me that the person was probably turning on the water to lure me outside.  She warned me to stay inside and call the police.

I called the police.


At this point, I realize that I cannot take it anymore.


I really wish I knew what was going on. 

It's not Michael.  I drove Michael to the airport and he was on a plane to California at the time of this incident.

I really have no clue why someone would do such a thing.  My neighbors didn't see anything. 

This is weird. 


*******

I found a job.  It doesn't pay well.  It pays $30,000 a year.  The office building doesn't have a lot of parking available, so my new boss has asked that employees park their cars 1.5 miles away and he pays a shuttle service to take us to work.

He also asked that we leave our cell phones in the car.

Given that I've found gps devices on my vehicles and my android phones hacked, this seemed like the perfect job set-up for me.

I start Monday......maybe.   

Michael originally said he would help get the kids to school.  He can't do that now. 

I may have to give up the job because I can't find daycare.


This may work out.


After yesterday, I'm not really comfortable living here anymore.


I called a lawyer. I will need a $3,000 retainer in order to ask for the money my ex took, remove him from the home and revise the parenting plan.


I called a realtor.  I'm going to have to take a hit on the price of the house because the gutters are in disrepair.  The local government offered to give me a loan to repair the home but in order to take them up on it, Michael has to live here for another six months to a year because my income is too low to qualify as per HUD. I'm not sure I can live with someone who disrespects me so much.


I can't take it anymore.  Thanks to the smoking man hanging out in my front yard yesterday, I decided to move. 


I'm going to sign off and weigh giving up my new job and looking for something in a rural area.  I'm thinking about Kansas, Nebraska and Oklahoma.

I need to go somewhere I won't be followed by crazy people. 

I've had enough.

I really wish I could learn the truth about who was behind the stalking.  I probably never will.

Love ya,

S. 


Edit four days later:  Well....someone actually cut my garden hose with a sharp object.  It's a clean cut.  Mail has gone missing.  The mail that has gone missing wasn't addressed to me.

Michael has his paychecks sent  here.  Several are missing. I don't keep track of his stuff, so I didn't know I needed to keep my eyes open for them.

The bills that I never took out of his name are not coming to the house.  The companies will call me and tell me that they never received payment and that they sent letters addressed to Michael.  I don't get them.

Michael also had a couple of packages come to the house via UPS that were cut open.  I'd find them on the porch that way.

I don't know what to think. 

Is he being stalked?

Or is someone with a pocket knife messing with me?


I am ready to move. 


I really am.