Love

Today I'm thankful....for music.

I bought a car.  It's eighteen years old.  It has just a few miles on it and an updated stereo system.  It drives like a dream.

I drove it 500 miles on a single tank of gas.  I wanted to see Georgia O'Keefe's ranch.

My kids love to draw and paint.

I thought we could all be inspired.

So...the lawyer sent out an eviction letter.  Michael agreed to watch the kiddo's fish.

We left.

The kids only let me get as far as Raton.  It took us four days and three hotel rooms.

They wanted to go home and check on the fish.

I made the drive home in less than a day.

When I arrived, my ex-husband was there.

The betta fish was floating upright with his body twisted and his gills cut out.

There was blood. 

I was angry.

My lawyer said he needed another $1,500 to proceed with a contempt citation.  In my anger, I took the money out of my IRA sent it to the lawyer and demanded that he get my ex out of the house NOW!

That was three weeks ago.

Nothing has changed

I've sunk $3,000 into this and I think I'm going to have to give up on my lawyer. 

*****

So.....when we came home to the messy house, with no food and a dead fish, lawn and garden....I came home to another surprise.

My kids had been dis-enrolled from school.

Do you know why?

My mail is being forwarded to a PO Box.  My mail went missing.  A thought a PO Box would solve the problem.

Apparently, the school district takes that as a sign that I've moved out of the district.  I told them about the stalking.  The PAR officers know about the stalking....

I've told them about it for years.  They've helped me determine that the kids are safe.

Heck, the police officers at the school have predicted Michael's behavior for me and been right!

They know I'm being stalked.

Apparently, parents are not allowed to use PO Boxes for their mail - even if they are domestic violence victims - even if they are stalking victims.

I am having a heck of a time getting them re-enrolled.

I'm frustrated.

I may need to chew out my frenemies on the school board.

Holy crap....

******

On top of that I had to get a new computer - and need to get a new phone.

My computer screen was cracked a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on my fourth phone this month.

I bought an I-phone that was supposed to be unlocked because a computer tech friend said they were harder to hack.

The I-phone wasn't unlocked so I had to take it back. I would have switched carriers but I want to wait until Michael is out of the house to do so. 

I'm to the point of just walking into a Sprint store and buying one outright.  With spotty data, it may be hard for an asshat to track my every move.

Maybe the Sprint network is safer for stalking victims.

It's stupid that I have to think like that, isn't it?

Ugh....

******
I've been busy working two jobs.

I got promoted and took a pay cut.

I've been swamped with hypnotherapy clients.

I still can't make the bills. 

I'm looking for a third job.  I realize that I'm on my own financially and that he'll never pay me the money he took or help with child support.

He expects me to support him!

That's the rub.

I can't get him out of the house.

How does one evict a lying, stalker ex?

You can't.

I'd like to do it in the family court.  It's my house.  I have the deed.  He was supposed to leave on October 21, 2013.

He won't pack. 

I would like a judge to order him to pay me the money he stole and order him out of the marital home.

I need to fix it up to sell it.

At this point, I'm realizing that I'll never get a court date.  Even if I did, he'll get creepier.

Last night, he was upset that he owes $28,000 in back child support (which I promised to waive if he moved out).  He also owes me over $13,000 in money he stole from the retirement accounts.

He claimed my lawyer cooked up the numbers.

That scared me.  The numbers are numbers.  He actually took far more from the retirement accounts....somewhere along the lines of $50,000. 

Maybe more because the statements went missing prior to the divorce.

He took $17,000 after I filed for divorce.  The $13,000 reflects money he took after he was supposed to sign the account over to me minus money he gave me for my car and repairs.

He has the unmitigated gall to be upset with me.

I'm supporting him!  I spend more than $1,200 per month on food.

When it just the kids and I, the number drops to $500. 

I'm frustrated.

He's never going to leave.

So....I offered to leave the house and let him live here until we can come to an agreement.

He told me that if I left, the house would be foreclosed upon within three months.

I asked him to leave.

He said "No."

So.....I'm stuck.

*******
I'm stuck listening to music. 

I can hear the guitar riffs.

I can feel the bass lines.

I can feel the fret board in my hands and the strings pressing into my fingers.

It's automatic.

When I close my eyes, I feel myself playing a left-handed bass.

It's weird.

It's like everything is reversed.

I've decided to save up for a lefty.

When I took gun lessons, I found that I shot better with my left hand.

Maybe I'm on to something.

******
I'm also trying to avoid love.

I work with a former D.J.

I knew his voice when I met him.  I thought it was because he is politically active.

No....he used to D.J. on my favorite radio station.

We sit together.

He was also a music major.

Life has been tough for him......very tough.....so tough he's soon going to be celebrated for sharing his inspiring story.

I can't tell you who he is or his story.

I can say that he requests that I hug him.

I really hug him.

I can feel the love dripping from his soul into mine.

It makes me cry.

When he is discriminated against, I hold back tears.

I can't tell you his story. 

He understands me.  He understands the value of sound in my life.  He understand music history, music theory.  He has stories of local musicians, too.

It breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that we care for each other and I can never be with him.

I can not leave my forced relationship with my ex, so I've sworn off dating. 

I get the sense that he thinks that once Michael leaves, we can try.

We cannot.

He is evangelical Christian.

I cannot forsake my Gods.

I love Jesus.... As he is Horus.  He is a mix of Dionysus and Apollo.  He is in numerous religions through numerous ages.  He is the savior.  He is love even if he is not the sandy haired white man the Christians in my culture worship.

I cannot take an allegiance against Muslims.  I cannot ridicule gay people or tell them how to live.

I am conservative but I am so conservative that I may appear to be liberal.  I'm more like a Goldwater Conservative (pro-choice, fiscally conservative).  There's no reason to forsake the freedoms of anyone for who they are - their religion, their sexual identity, their race or gender.

Freedom is freedom. 

When I was beaten, pregnant and crying.  It was Artemis who came to me in dreams.  She is the one who answered my prayers for comfort.  She told me that there was a man who loved me and was looking for me.  She told me that I would awaken with green eyes to remember her words.

For weeks afterwards, candles I lit bared a man's name in the ash.  I still have one spent candle with the name prominent in the remnants.  I can't figure out for the life of me how that would happen.

I've seen him since.

There is love there -but- I cannot put another through my hell.

I pray he's found another love and he's happy.

We never could get into each other.  I think I bored him.

That's okay.

Love doesn't necessarily lead anywhere.

It just is.

As an interesting aside, I wanted to know how to repay Artemis. 

A single mother who worked at the school asked me to watch her daughter for a half-hour after work so she could finish up.

I agreed.  I didn't want any money for it.  I was happy to do it.

The little girl's name was Artemis. 

******
I've got a backlog of recording projects.

I have to figure out my passwords to most of my online accounts.

I'm looking for a left handed bass.

I may want a new saxophone, too.  When I listen to sax solos, I can actually smell wet reed.

I think I miss it too much.

Maybe music is the only love I can have now. 

That's okay. 

Love ya,

S. 

Sounds of Change

Today I am thankful for the sounds of change.

This J Lo song cracks me up.  I don't mind doing laundry, cooking and cleaning up for someone who is servicing me, helping with the bills or is in a relationship with me.

It's hard when I'm divorced, paying all of the bills and supporting an ex-husband I've asked to move out since October of 2013.

I feel like I'm being played.

Luckily he doesn't ask for too much...just food, gas money his auto insurance and cell phone bill in addition to what I pay to keep the household running.

If it's temporary and he uses this time to get on his feet, it feels like an investment.  If he continues to do what he's been doing, I feel like I'm just enabling him.

When he asks for money, I think of this song.  To be fair, I think of this song when I daydream about wanting things, too.

 I know it's bad....



It's the truth.

Mike has driven me a few dealerships and picked me up from work.  He didn't have to do that.  The least I can do is pay for the petrol.

I'm looking for a third job. 

I'm sure there is a breaking point, I just haven't found it yet.

Maybe I'm too numb to feel it when I break down.

**********

I spent over three hours at an Autonation dealership.  It was a nightmare.  I test drove two cars.  One of them, a 2015 Nissan Versa, had engine issues and acted like it was in a wreck.  The other was a beautiful 2012 Mitsubishi Galant with 30,000 miles on it.  They wanted $9,000.  I asked to see the inspection. 

They kept putting off showing me the inspections on both cars.  Then we went through the financing, the loan amount was $13,000.  Okay....so the game was to keep me waiting to wear me out so I'd sign the papers.

My stalkers play that game.  I get tired of going to the cops who don't do anything about their antics, so I just give in and let them fiddle fart around with my property and make my life a living hell.

For a dealership to do that.....I just walked out.  They took so much time to help me that by the time the loan paperwork came, my insurance agent had closed the office.  I couldn't get full coverage.  They wouldn't let me take the car home.

I refused to sign and left the car there.

In my frustration, I went to my hometown and bought a car from the son of a car dealer/mechanic my father knew.  He'd been there forty years.  He said he'd take payments without checking my credit.  My credit is fine but he said he knew I was honest, so my word was enough.   The car was old enough that I knew what I was looking at when I popped the hood.  The oil looked like oil.  All the dashboard lights came on when I started the car.  It needs a slight alignment.  The tires are new.  The timing belt looked new.  The battery was new.

The car is old enough that when the kids start driving, I won't fear for their lives in a car crash.  I let Michael drive it.  He really liked how it handled. 

 I'll pay the car off in six months and that'll be more than enough time to find the trouble spots. Besides, if the car dies I'll know where to find the dealer.

After I bought the car, he pulled out the title.  The car belonged to his wife. He told me he was sad to sell it but she fell in love with a jeep he had on the lot. 

That's probably the first time a used car salesman's story about a car being owned by a little old lady held some merit.  This car had about the same miles as the car I saw at AutoNation but it was much older, with less scratches, less cup holders and less than 1/3 of the price.

I'll go back tomorrow to pick the car up after my insurance company sends me proof of full coverage.

I guess the lesson is that sometimes it's better to stick with people you know.  It was nice to see how the little town had changed over the years.

The little dairy I used to visit is now a tree nursery.  I never knew why it shut down.  I was reminded that the cows died in a flood.  The owner of the dairy died trying to rescue the cows who were stuck in their pens.

On the lighter side, the cops still hide at the bottom of the hilly streets to ticket people for speeding when they pick up speed going down the hills.

Maybe this is an omen.

Maybe I should move back home. 

I can't tell you the car I have. 

Let's just say it's a classic that doesn't quit.

Kinda like me. 

Love ya,

S.

Creepy Crap

Today I am thankful for OBD II code readers.

At least I was thankful for it, until Michael gave it away.

My car bit the dust last month, the day after I signed my mini-van over to Michael.  An employee of CenturyLink hit the van and his company offered Michael $1980.00 for the damage.

Michael was awarded the sportscar in the divorce.  I got the mini-van I paid for with student loan money.  Michael started driving my van the day of the divorce claiming that the car was damage beyond repair.

So, it was my car.  It was my money.  I signed the title over to Michael as I thought that money would help him move out of my house.

Now, I don't know if Michael was being helpful or sabotaging.  He and the neighbor offered to fix my car as it needed a new water pump.  They put tap water in the cooling system.  When it started up and ran for several minutes, it began to heat up very fast. 

Water heats up much faster than coolant.

At this point, my car needed a new motor and a coolant flush.

I started shopping for cars.  On the first day, I took the OBD II reader with me.  I can not believe the sheer number of people selling cars who claim they have no idea why their "check engine light" is on.

I could tell them before walking away.

The very next day, the code reader was gone.  Michael claims that he lent it to the neighbor who never returns the things he borrows.

I'll never see it again.

******

Since my car has died, Michael is claiming to be traveling from state to state selling insurance and not making any money.  I think he's probably staying with his mother.

He doesn't have an insurance license.  He can't sell without a license.

He's only gone a few days at a time.  Then he returns, needing food and money.

The lawyer says that I cannot change the locks until he has been property evicted.

During my car hunt, I became desperate.  We're running low on food.  Almost everything I do is either on foot or via public transportation.  All the cars I looked at had to be on bus routes. 

I decided not to buy an expensive car from a dealership until Michael was away from the house.  The goal was to buy an inexpensive car I wouldn't care if it were messed with and that I could give to my daughters once my financial situation improved.

I did buy a car.  I bought it from a local Hispanic family.  It cost $3,400 and in the same room as my mechanic, their son swore up and down that it only idled rough because it had been sitting.   I asked Michael to drive the car and give an opinion because his daughters will learn to drive in it.  Michael drove the car and said it was good.  The mechanic said the young man could be right.

This was a time when I needed the code reader.

I bought the car, only to find that the previous owner messed with the title.  The car was rebuilt from salvage. 

Before I bought the car, their son spoke English.  Now, no one speaks English. I couldn't communicate well enough in Spanish to get his mother (the registered owner) to sign a newly required "Notice of Title Brand" form so that I could get a new title.

Years ago, salvage titles had a big capital S on the upper right of the title.  Now, they just have a space that reads TITLE BRANDS. Someone in that family must have erased it.

I couldn't get the car titled without getting a bond.

A few days later, my mechanic changed his mind.  He looked over the car and found that someone in the family had cut the wires to the check engine light and that the fourth cylinder of the engine was filled with coolant (which explains why it idled rough before it warmed up).

The code reader would have caught the issue. 

I now have two junk cars, with the exact same problem, and a decimated savings account. 

I also (allegedly) have over 400 djinn.  A certain family is going to take a karmic hit for $3,400.  An abusive guy I dated briefly told people that demons plagued him after he got nasty with me.  I think he was being a jerk trying to betray me by revealing my religion.  Everyone knows I'm Pagan.  These people probably think he's insane. I think the demons plaguing him are of his own creation.

As far as this situation, I'll get the money back.....somehow.

The legislators I know are going to get a swift tongue lashing.  What the heck?  I can't register a car for my own damn good because someone did not disclose an accident in writing? 

If it's that big of a frickin' deal, please consider printing the titles of such cars on another color of paper than regular titles! That way, if someone gets creative with an eraser....a buyer can still tell that the car carries a title brand.

Apparently, the law that is preventing me from registering the car was put into effect last year.

If I could register the car, I'd pay another mechanic I know $2,000 to fix it.  That way, I'd know it was safe. It's not worth the effort, if I can't register it without taking out a bond.

Nannyism - it really messes everything up.

Actually, it is control that messes everything up. I'm dealing with too much control.

*******
The friend who was trying to help me with a car has fallen ill.  It's Ramadan and he's very devout.  He hasn't been eating or drinking water and his doctor told him to rest.  I'm not going to bother him, so I've decided to strike out on the car search on my own.

I've been going from dealership to dealership.  It's insane.

The first one wouldn't sell me used cars under $10,000 although they are on the website. I don't want to risk an expensive item being vandalized due to issues I'm having with other property being destroyed**. 

The second one has a creepy sales guy who texts me weird things.  He wants to pick me up.  He thinks I want a Subaru.  He'll text saying that we have appointments we don't have. He also made several hard credit checks which lowered my score.  I will never buy from that chain....ever.

The third one would not let my mechanic look at the car I was willing to pay cash for.  In fact, he didn't even want me to hire a mobile mechanic.  There must be something wrong with the vehicle.

The fourth one tried incredibly hard to get me to lease a new Honda Accord when I just wanted to pay cash for a vintage one in their used lot. After two hours at the dealership, I walked out. I can't afford to miss the last bus home.

I think I'll have luck with the fifth dealership.  It's a cash only dealership.  The owner welcomes mechanics.  The only problem is that it is on the outskirts of town, two miles away from the nearest bus stop.

*******
People ask why I don't use Uber or Lyft. 

Both of my smart phones have been destroyed.  Although I have a data plan, I cannot seem to connect to the internet unless it is with wifi. In fact, I cannot use most apps on either of the phones.

I can't count on Uber and Lyft until I figure out why my phones aren't working.  One is an LG and the other is branded Blu.  The cheap one was supposed to be for emergencies because the LG is hacked a lot.

I still get creepy calls that last several minutes.  They are no longer silent.  I hear Michael in the background.  During one of these calls, I overheard him complaining about me giving him the title of the mini-van.

He kept going on and on about me calling him "en-titled."

Why pun-ish me that way?

Sigh.....

If I have my phone reset, I'll lose those messages and the proof of who is sending them.

********
The remainder of my savings if probably going to go to legal fees and to purchase another car. 

I tried to take out a car loan but they needed me to prove that I receive child support.

It was the same for the HELOC.

I don't receive child support.  I probably never will.

I need a car for my job, so I'm now looking for a new job with hours that work with public transportation.

This is what I'm going to do today.  I was supposed to be in Taos with the kids.  Instead I'll be car shopping.

********

My lawyer sent an eviction letter to my ex-husband.  It arrived on Friday.  I see it on my ex-husband's chair unopened.  My ex claims he never received it.

I came home from work on Saturday and found that someone had damaged the screen to my laptop making it hard to sign on to the computer.  It now has several cracks.  This is the one with the keylogger that I cannot use anyway.

I'm going to have to find a way to transfer my work to another computer.

Of course, my ex-husband doesn't know how the computer was damaged.

This is why I can't have nice things. 

They get vandalized.

I'm sure I could get a restraining order due to the vandalism.  It's a form of psychological and financial abuse. 

*********
I am paying for things for Michael.  He'll say that he'll give me rides to work if I pay for his auto insurance or phone bill.  I pay them.  Then he'll pick me up and go to a gas station where I will have to pay to fill up his gas tank.

I can't do this anymore.  I can't afford to do this. He's expensive!!  I only make half of what he used to make!

He says he doesn't want a relationship but he doesn't want to leave.  I thought about paying a Marriage and Family Therapist to explain how this is impacting the kids.  He won't go.

He doesn't want to look for a job with an hourly wage.

He's making stupid decisions.  I don't want to continue to pay for them. 

I have a business that is commission only.  It's a side job.  I also have a job that pays the bills.

I tried to explain that until one is established, it is hard to support oneself entirely with a commission only job.  He may wish to find an hourly job that can give him some spending money.

He won't listen.

He's told me in the past that I'm "a woman.  Women are Stupid" and that he doesn't have to listen to women.

I need $1,500 before the lawyer will start the contempt citation.

I don't think I'll ever be free.

I think all of these crazy things happen to me to keep me off-kilter and unable to solve the problems.

I think much of this chaos is designed to keep me stuck.

Someday I'll laugh about this.

Someday......

Hope your days are brighter than mine.

Love,

S.

EDIT SOME TIME LATER: I was able to find a young bi-lingual family who needed a car. The man was a mechanic and he knew how to get the car bonded if the woman who owned it previously wouldn't cooperate.  They towed the Nissan away.  It was a beautiful car and it had very low miles.  All they needed to do is get a new engine.  It only cost them the registration fees and the cost of a new engine. 

It took six months to find this family.  I'm thankful my nasty neighbor didn't call Code Enforcement on me because I never moved the car from my driveway.  Beautiful things happen when we are patient with one another.

Happy endings are the best.

For the Witches:

SPELL TO RECOVER STOLEN MONEY

Pine Incense

A cup of salt

Burn the Pine Incense and wave it over the salt. Do this for several minutes.

Chant: Come back to me That which has been Unrightfully taken Away with the wind Return to me Thief (or Conman/Swindler) on the prowl. It is mine I order you now This spell is true And harms no one As I will it It is done

Next, pour the enchanted salt in a path to your front door and before long your money will follow! The money will not necessarily come from the pocket of the thief and into your hands, but the Universe will work it out in such a way that the thief will lose the same amount of money that you receive which will, of course, be the same amount they had originally stolen from you.