The Cost of Narcissistic Abuse

Today I'm thankful that I realized the costs of narcissistic abuse. 

An activist friend of mine died one hour shy of his 79th birthday.  We weren't close but I trusted him and I heeded every piece of advice he shared with me.

He tried to reach out a couple of months ago.  I wasn't Facebook, so I didn't see it.

He is not the only person I've let down.

I'm ignoring my 12 sisters.  One of whom is a patient where I work.  I never told her who I am.  She only knows my voice because we speak on the phone.  I only know her name because she's tried to connect with me online.

It would seem that fibromyalgia runs in the family - but- I didn't say that.  When she meets me, she'll figure it out on her own.

I've had a hard time finding time to help another psychotherapist pass her MAC exam.

I need to go to meetings with a clinical supervisor so I can get licensed as an addiction counselor.

I'm not taking new clients, supporting my friends or doing things that I need to do in order to be a good friend or sibling.

I'm so busy trying to clean up the mess my ex made for me.  I'm sleeping just a few hours a day whenever I can grab a few winks.

He trashed the house.  It will take all of the equity in the house to fix the mess.

I'm $14,000 in debt due to legal bills.  I can't afford the interest on it.  I'm going to have to go out and try to get a loan to consolidate this debt and consider hiring  a different lawyer.

I still have an attorney but he lets his paralegal do everything and I've caught her making mistakes.  She's always apologized but the financial damage is immense.  Once a judge signs off on it, it's permanent.

I need a lawyer.  They're cheaper in the long run.

My ex is starting to bully me.  I realize why the Arapahoe County Mediator's office never sent his request - I have a lawyer and they only want to talk to me if I get rid of the attorney.  He cc'd me on the emails and expressed his rising frustration at my not doing as he demanded.

Why would I?  Every time I do something for him it results in loads of abusive emails and texts.  I'm to the point of printing them off and filing them.

*****
I had a realization in my Saturday morning meditation.

I understand why I rebuff men.

The marriage was very controlling.  My ex lied to his family and they would harass me and stalk me on his behalf.  Holidays were hell because they would literally attack me (once physically) and scream at me in his presence.

He wouldn't do anything to put a stop to it.  He would claim that he didn't see or hear it.

When I needed to work, he's steal my assets and my car.

He'd scream at me when I was on the phone with my boss or psych professors.  That wasn't nearly as embarrassing as having his sister get a job interview in the psych department at my university only to tell my academic advisor that she wants the job so she can force me to talk to her.

My advisor and professors staged a mini-intervention urging me to file a divorce.  This was in 2001.

My ex gave his family the passwords to my email accounts and they spread my life around with gossip.  I would learn later that an old friend tried to contact me but I never received the emails.

I'm realizing now that he or his family deleted them before I could find them.

There was no real affection after a couple of years due to the abuse.  We started sleeping apart within four years of the marriage.

I'm not used to affection.

It's hard for me to allow people to hug me.

I can't imagine how I can date.

*****

I conceptualize narcissistic toxicity/bullying behavior as a toxic dark sludge.  It coats and changes the people victimized by it.


In my mind, when some young children are in narcissistic families this sludge coats their personalities.  It's worse for the golden child.  Even the scapegoats are not able to escape it fully.


This is the sludge of hatred, guilt and shame.

It coats and contaminates everything.

People contaminated by the toxic sludge try to hide it.

They hide it in elaborate lies and tall tales.

Those who develop narcissism, hide with projection and gossip.

The ignore it.

On the outside, they appear to be charismatic, somewhat put together if not a tad bit arrogant.

In private, they can be incredibly abusive to those closest to them.

Deep down inside, they are filled with guilt and shame.  These are feelings that they cannot allow anyone else to see.

*****

The last year my ex was at my house, he became enamored with porn.  Yes, I know this because Comcast would send me letters about illegally downloaded porn.

I wound up changing the wifi password so he couldn't get me in trouble and cause me to lose my ISP.

He was also binge watching the TV Show Lucifer.

As a Pagan, I'm slightly offended by the show.  It is sacrilegious.  In my religion, Lucifer Morningstar is Apollo - the god of the sun, the light bringer - not a devil.

Lucifer is the light bringer, a god of wisdom.

In my faith, he's not a Marvel character.  Well then, neither is Thor, Loki or Ares.  I often wondered if Wonder Woman was a nod to Artemis/Diana.

The way they portrayed Ares is disgusting.

Sigh....

Sadly, I am seeing the same disgusting disrespect of the Christian faith that my brothers and sisters have experienced for millennia.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

*****

I watched a few episodes of Lucifer just to try to see why he would be attracted to the show.  Of all of the scenes, this one strikes me the most.

It puts me in mind of therapy clients who think they are so broken, so evil, with so many dirty hidden secrets -

When they finally show themselves, they feel as if they are ugly - but no, they are only showing their humanity.

Shrink Linda needs to work on her unconditional positive regard (and stop f*cking her clients).



I wonder if this was a form of bibliotherapy.  Bibliotherapy refers to the use of stories (typically in books) as a means of working on inner issues.  People often find something in stories that resonates with them and gives them insight into a problem in their lives.

It could be that someone who feels a lot of shame and guilt over allowing his family to harass his ex-wife and engaging in coercive control identifies with a narcissistic Lucifer trying to find his humanity.  Lucifer is trying to find real love (rather than hook ups).  He's trying to understand his childhood and overcome the pain of being cast into hell by his father.

So many people are working through pain and betrayal of people who they believed loved them.  Many people want more meaning in their lives.  This story arc makes the Christian devil look almost human.

If Beelzebub can be redeemed, why can't a man diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

I can see the appeal of this story.  Or it could be that I'm reading too much into the binge watching.  The man could have been depressed because his coercive tactics ceased to work. Narcissists are known to become depressed after experiencing a narcissistic fall: these occur when people get wise to the bullshit and push them away.

I don't know.

At any rate, Lucifer looks like a large chuck of male psychotherapy clients.  In this show, he resembles a human being in more ways than one.

******

I have to admit that when I am pissed at the government, I watch a lot of the Star Wars prequels (including bits of the Clone Wars animated series).  I can certainly understand Anakin's tantrum (well, until he runs around slaying younglings).   Skywalker is a good study in Borderline Personality Disorder (especially his fear of abandonment).

I should probably watch them again.



Yes, in 2019, the Colorado legislature is killing democracy to thunderous applause.  The Democrats have taken over both houses.  Our own Clerk and Recorder is blocking conservative activists on Twitter so they can't see what is going on in the county.

You know....she's going to inspire a PAC. I'm seriously thinking of joining a couple of recall efforts.  That is another blog post for another day.

It'll be a sad day when they make me come down to the County building for FOIA requests.

If the Democrats don't start keeping the Arapahoe County Recorder in line, I'll start thinking they're hiding something.

They say that redheads are descended from Cats.  They also say curiosity killed the cat.

I'm curious.

It's easier to start, join or fund a PAC than to lose precious sleep at night worrying about government induced annoyances.

Sigh....

Too many battles - too much drama - it would be nice if people could just behave and follow the rules.

Then again, narcissists don't follow rules.  In their world, rules are other people.

It sucks.

Narcissists are all around us.  I wish I could find a fool proof way to unmask them safely.

Love ya,

S.

Grace

Today I am thankful for the grace of others. 

I had to take a loan out to fix up the house.

As you probably know, my marriage ended ten years prior to the finalization of the divorce.  My ex had numerous ways to put off the divorce.

He had never-ending legal issues which he didn't resolve.  My lawyer suggested waiting until these ended to file.

Sigh....

I never wanted the house.  I expected him to take it.  I hadn't worked a real job in two decades and I doubted I could make the mortgage payments.

I expected him to get the house and the kids.

I expected to pay child support.

Of course, my ex demanded that I keep the house.  We had little equity in it due to the housing crisis.

One lawyer thought he wanted me to stay in the house so he could continue to stalk me.   My plan was to sell it after the divorce was final.

The only problem was that he refused to move out for three years, two months and five days after he was initially court ordered to leave.

In that time, he tore up the house.  The house was neglected the ten years leading up to the divorce.

There is mold in the basement, the gutters are gone, the carpet and flooring is disgusting.  The shelving, plumbing, cabinets and other things are broken.  There is water damage in the basement apartment due to the lack of cleaning up the water from the shower.

It is BAD.

This is not to mention the mess he left in the basement apartment.  We found nests of mice in his room.  There is damage to the walls.

The doors are damaged due to the stalking.  The shed and gate are broken.

The city offered me an interest free loan.  Since we were at it, I decided to do the neighborhood a favor and replace the roof, the porch, deck and other things that really don't look all that great.

We got some quotes which ranged from $58,000 to $120,000.  In fact, the outlier was the lowest bid.

I feared taking that bid despite all the positive references I found.

I adore the contractor.  He's an artist.  That's the kind of person I want to work on my house, someone who understands who colors and textures go together.

There was this fear that they'd lose money so I didn't want to accept their bid until I learned more.

It turns out that the company is owned by a woman who is battling an illness that killed one of my former mentors.  She's getting our prayers now.

I wonder if she was raised by a single mother.

I took the bid.

It looks like I now have more that I have to pay forward now.

May all the deals you enter be win-wins for everyone.

Love ya,

S.

Working in Recovery

If there were really were a recovery center for aging former models, who still wear funky clothes, too much make-up and heels far too high for their age, I'd love to attend a short in-patient stay.  I would need extensive outpatient care, too.  Sigh....

Today I am thankful for working in recovery.  

It's no secret that my parents died from addiction.  Well they didn't die from addiction, per se - they died from the stupid crap addicts do. 

My mother was beaten to death by my step-father on Valentine's Day 1984.  He was drunk.  The paramedics brought her back but she died two days later on her 36th birthday. 

This would play out in my life as a love would nearly kill me with a hammer on Thanksgiving Eve 1991.  I was 21.  

My father took off when I was five.  I tried to find him numerous times but the Social Security office told me that he was dead.  He wasn't.  I've only recently learned of 15 half-siblings.  The number gets bigger each time I open my Facebook messaging center.  I now know of 13 sisters and 2 brothers. 

Sexual promiscuity.  That's a part of addiction.  

My Native American step-father killed himself Christmas 1986.  He couldn't live with the guilt of killing my mom.  He was an alcoholic, too. 

My sister and I witnessed mom's death.  My sister witnessed my step-father's suicide.  My step-dad tried to kill my sister that night, thankfully he was a lousy shot. 

I grew up to be a therapist. 

My sister grew up to be an RN. 

In thinking about it, I'm shocked that we didn't become addicts.  All the ingredients were there. 

I know my friends, love of music and the propensity for every dollar I earned to buy guitars kept me safe. 

I wonder what my sister's protective influences were?

My sister was a model.  One day when she was publicly ridiculing me as ugly, one of the model scouts offered me a job. 

I hated it.  

I only modeled twice: once on a runway for a department store and once for a charity fundraiser.  I didn't follow through on the other two gigs I was offered. 

Who wants to dress up in uncomfortable clothes and stand in a store display for hours on end? 

Not me.....

*****

It was a lifelong dream to work with people in recovery.   I wanted to work on my own sh*t first and had hoped to put off this goal until I had earned my doctorate. 

The stalking forced me out of private practice.  It took awhile but I realized my mayoral campaign scared my ex-husband - he was terrified that he would lose me due to my growing independence. 

Maybe beauty is a curse.  

Luckily, I'm growing older and my looks are going quickly. 

*****

I finally, after many years, was given a chance working with women in recovery in the town my mother lived in with the very people who tried to help her. 

I don't make very much money but I live to see people, slowly but surely get the light back into their eyes. 

Why did I make this switch? 

It seems that every week or so, someone I know loses a friend or family member to opioid addiction. 

In fact, this morning a friend of a friend died because she got heroin laced with fentanyl. 

I'm feeling numb and had better get my bearings before driving down to the mental hospital so I can be present with my patients. 

****

There is one thing that I never anticipated. 

I get picked on by my colleagues because it is obvious that I never had an addiction problem. 

That's not true.  I once owned more than 30 musical instruments.  Who needs four clarinets?  Seriously....

Yes, I was in a staff meeting and a voice in the back called out "come one, we can see the one person in here who has never struggled with addiction, can't we?" 

Several fingers pointed at me. 

My retort was that "no one has been freed of the pain of seeing someone they cared about suffering the throes of addiction." 

We've seen people we love lose themselves, their personalities, their hopes, their dreams and everything to addiction. 

We've seen people we love blamed for their addiction. We've seen beautiful, kind-hearted people use substances to cope with unbearable human suffering and pain - not understanding that the substance will make it worse. 

They don't understand that bodies and brains are changed by the substance - that they grow dependent upon it.  They become slaves to the substance. 

The substances extinguish the light in their eyes.

I live for the moments the beautiful light comes back. 

*****

The hardest part for me is realizing why men I've known do crazy endorphin producing things like drive race cars, jump out of planes and things that are the stuff of my nightmares. 

They do this because drugs have damaged their dopamine receptors.

I get it now.  

The death defying stunts helps them ensure they can still feel. 

Man.....I promise from this day forward to keep my squeamishness to myself. 

*****
I should say more but I can't.  My thoughts are with two children who lost their mother to fentanyl today.  She wasn't a patient.  She was a friend of a friend.  

Their father was lost to heroin just two months ago. 

If anyone asks, this is why I carry Narcan.  

Colorado laws allow good Samaritans to administer the substance without fear of lawsuit.  I need to create time to lobby more state governments to do the same.  

Please.....seek to understand others rather than condemn them.

Love ya,

S.  

A Practical Use of Time Spent Practicing Bass

Today I am thankful for all those hours I spent with my Peavy T-40 and my metronome. 

Today, I learned that I really kick ass doing CPR. I probably shouldn't talk about it publicly out of respect for the other party. 

Maybe all those hours of practice were intended to help me save someone some day.  It doesn't seem like a waste of time now.

It makes sense that the old bass would be the final birthday present given to me by my paramedic step-father.

Perhaps I should leave him some cigarettes and a shot of vodka at his grave site as a token of thanks.  

Love ya,

S.