Today I'm thankful that I realized the costs of narcissistic abuse.
An activist friend of mine died one hour shy of his 79th birthday. We weren't close but I trusted him and I heeded every piece of advice he shared with me.
He tried to reach out a couple of months ago. I wasn't Facebook, so I didn't see it.
He is not the only person I've let down.
I'm ignoring my 12 sisters. One of whom is a patient where I work. I never told her who I am. She only knows my voice because we speak on the phone. I only know her name because she's tried to connect with me online.
It would seem that fibromyalgia runs in the family - but- I didn't say that. When she meets me, she'll figure it out on her own.
I've had a hard time finding time to help another psychotherapist pass her MAC exam.
I need to go to meetings with a clinical supervisor so I can get licensed as an addiction counselor.
I'm not taking new clients, supporting my friends or doing things that I need to do in order to be a good friend or sibling.
I'm so busy trying to clean up the mess my ex made for me. I'm sleeping just a few hours a day whenever I can grab a few winks.
He trashed the house. It will take all of the equity in the house to fix the mess.
I'm $14,000 in debt due to legal bills. I can't afford the interest on it. I'm going to have to go out and try to get a loan to consolidate this debt and consider hiring a different lawyer.
I still have an attorney but he lets his paralegal do everything and I've caught her making mistakes. She's always apologized but the financial damage is immense. Once a judge signs off on it, it's permanent.
I need a lawyer. They're cheaper in the long run.
My ex is starting to bully me. I realize why the Arapahoe County Mediator's office never sent his request - I have a lawyer and they only want to talk to me if I get rid of the attorney. He cc'd me on the emails and expressed his rising frustration at my not doing as he demanded.
Why would I? Every time I do something for him it results in loads of abusive emails and texts. I'm to the point of printing them off and filing them.
*****
I had a realization in my Saturday morning meditation.
I understand why I rebuff men.
The marriage was very controlling. My ex lied to his family and they would harass me and stalk me on his behalf. Holidays were hell because they would literally attack me (once physically) and scream at me in his presence.
He wouldn't do anything to put a stop to it. He would claim that he didn't see or hear it.
When I needed to work, he's steal my assets and my car.
He'd scream at me when I was on the phone with my boss or psych professors. That wasn't nearly as embarrassing as having his sister get a job interview in the psych department at my university only to tell my academic advisor that she wants the job so she can force me to talk to her.
My advisor and professors staged a mini-intervention urging me to file a divorce. This was in 2001.
My ex gave his family the passwords to my email accounts and they spread my life around with gossip. I would learn later that an old friend tried to contact me but I never received the emails.
I'm realizing now that he or his family deleted them before I could find them.
There was no real affection after a couple of years due to the abuse. We started sleeping apart within four years of the marriage.
I'm not used to affection.
It's hard for me to allow people to hug me.
I can't imagine how I can date.
*****
I conceptualize narcissistic toxicity/bullying behavior as a toxic dark sludge. It coats and changes the people victimized by it.
In my mind, when some young children are in narcissistic families this sludge coats their personalities. It's worse for the golden child. Even the scapegoats are not able to escape it fully.
This is the sludge of hatred, guilt and shame.
It coats and contaminates everything.
People contaminated by the toxic sludge try to hide it.
They hide it in elaborate lies and tall tales.
Those who develop narcissism, hide with projection and gossip.
The ignore it.
On the outside, they appear to be charismatic, somewhat put together if not a tad bit arrogant.
In private, they can be incredibly abusive to those closest to them.
Deep down inside, they are filled with guilt and shame. These are feelings that they cannot allow anyone else to see.
*****
The last year my ex was at my house, he became enamored with porn. Yes, I know this because Comcast would send me letters about illegally downloaded porn.
I wound up changing the wifi password so he couldn't get me in trouble and cause me to lose my ISP.
He was also binge watching the TV Show Lucifer.
As a Pagan, I'm slightly offended by the show. It is sacrilegious. In my religion, Lucifer Morningstar is Apollo - the god of the sun, the light bringer - not a devil.
Lucifer is the light bringer, a god of wisdom.
In my faith, he's not a Marvel character. Well then, neither is Thor, Loki or Ares. I often wondered if Wonder Woman was a nod to Artemis/Diana.
The way they portrayed Ares is disgusting.
Sigh....
Sadly, I am seeing the same disgusting disrespect of the Christian faith that my brothers and sisters have experienced for millennia.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
*****
I watched a few episodes of Lucifer just to try to see why he would be attracted to the show. Of all of the scenes, this one strikes me the most.
It puts me in mind of therapy clients who think they are so broken, so evil, with so many dirty hidden secrets -
When they finally show themselves, they feel as if they are ugly - but no, they are only showing their humanity.
Shrink Linda needs to work on her unconditional positive regard (and stop f*cking her clients).
I wonder if this was a form of bibliotherapy. Bibliotherapy refers to the use of stories (typically in books) as a means of working on inner issues. People often find something in stories that resonates with them and gives them insight into a problem in their lives.
It could be that someone who feels a lot of shame and guilt over allowing his family to harass his ex-wife and engaging in coercive control identifies with a narcissistic Lucifer trying to find his humanity. Lucifer is trying to find real love (rather than hook ups). He's trying to understand his childhood and overcome the pain of being cast into hell by his father.
So many people are working through pain and betrayal of people who they believed loved them. Many people want more meaning in their lives. This story arc makes the Christian devil look almost human.
If Beelzebub can be redeemed, why can't a man diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?
I can see the appeal of this story. Or it could be that I'm reading too much into the binge watching. The man could have been depressed because his coercive tactics ceased to work. Narcissists are known to become depressed after experiencing a narcissistic fall: these occur when people get wise to the bullshit and push them away.
I don't know.
At any rate, Lucifer looks like a large chuck of male psychotherapy clients. In this show, he resembles a human being in more ways than one.
******
I have to admit that when I am pissed at the government, I watch a lot of the Star Wars prequels (including bits of the Clone Wars animated series). I can certainly understand Anakin's tantrum (well, until he runs around slaying younglings). Skywalker is a good study in Borderline Personality Disorder (especially his fear of abandonment).
I should probably watch them again.
Yes, in 2019, the Colorado legislature is killing democracy to thunderous applause. The Democrats have taken over both houses. Our own Clerk and Recorder is blocking conservative activists on Twitter so they can't see what is going on in the county.
You know....she's going to inspire a PAC. I'm seriously thinking of joining a couple of recall efforts. That is another blog post for another day.
It'll be a sad day when they make me come down to the County building for FOIA requests.
If the Democrats don't start keeping the Arapahoe County Recorder in line, I'll start thinking they're hiding something.
They say that redheads are descended from Cats. They also say curiosity killed the cat.
I'm curious.
It's easier to start, join or fund a PAC than to lose precious sleep at night worrying about government induced annoyances.
Sigh....
Too many battles - too much drama - it would be nice if people could just behave and follow the rules.
Then again, narcissists don't follow rules. In their world, rules are other people.
It sucks.
Narcissists are all around us. I wish I could find a fool proof way to unmask them safely.
Love ya,
S.