Freedom

Today I am thankful that I am free. 

I passed the test. 

It was negative. 

I am free to be me. 

Now, I'm sucking down lemon balm and rose tea to rid myself of heartbreak! 

To complete the spell, I have to bury an egg and thirteen walnuts. 

We shall never feel each other again. 

I am so happy!

No man will ever again get to own me! 

I am free! 
Love ya,

S.

Celibacy

Today I am thankful for the lessons I learned from the most recent relationship fiasco.

Celibacy rocks! 

I will never again bitch about sleeping alone. 

I have a new appreciation for my former sexless marital life.

Celibacy means never sorting out another person's mind games. 

It means I don't have to worry about expensive estrogen pills that make me sick...

or trying not to snore in the middle of the night. 

Celibacy means not sucking down simethicone tablets so one doesn't fart while being plowed. 

Celibacy means not worrying about lustful north migration and bumping heads on the headboard.

Celibacy means not worrying about the garlic one ate at dinner,

whether or not the hair is trimmed short,

whether the legs or smooth,

or if you have spare underwear in the glove compartment.

Ah, maybe my life isn't so bad after all. 

It's all good! 

I guess the trick is finding someone who is worth the estrogen, the simethicone, and the Nair. 

Love,

S.

Lemon Balm Tea

Today I am thankful for Lemon Balm Tea. 

I blocked my "boyfriend" akin the old saying "out of sight, out of mind."

Oh, if it only worked that way.

It turns out that he is insane. 

Or he doesn't listen. 

It makes more sense that he is insane.

He is angry that my divorce is final in eleven days.  He pretended to forget that we delayed the final hearing so my ex could get a tidy tax refund.  We had that talk months ago before I let him get me alone.  He said he was an anarchist, so the government didn't define my relationship in his eyes. 

Well....I wanted time alone and away from craziness in his life and he threw my divorce in my face.

It was his ace in the hole.  I wasn't ready for a relationship.  I let him push me and now I'm pond scum because I didn't wait for my divorce to be final.

I remember him asking if an eight year celibacy streak was enough time alone. 

I guess it wasn't.

It was more like seven years. 

Because he bitched about my marital status, I told him that I would avoid him until the divorce was final and my ex took his last box out of the house.   He's got so much crap over here, some of it boxed up prior to 1994, he won't be gone anytime soon (even if he moves out). 

 I'm sure my former boyfriend will find another love by the time that happens.

He's a Leo.  Everything is a fight.  If I want five minutes to myself, it's a fight. 

I needed a weekend away from his family dynamics.  I needed a weekend away from being pushed for sex. 

I have awful memories of his mother calling during moments we were close. 

His mother dictates when I go home by when she lets him see his daughter.  I can only imagine how controlling she will be when she has both his son and daughter. 

Then, I'm going to stay mum on what the Gyno told me.

Well....maybe I should say....I don't know. 

My birth control isn't effective.  We don't know why.  It could be that the pain medications I am taking are messing with my liver and so my body isn't processing it as it should.  If one is spotting all the time, she's not safe to screw unless you like watching her knit booties. 

I can't knit....so....

I can't be with a guy until I try something else (unless he likes rain jackets). 

I love ginger and parsley tea.  I'll suck that down to make sure nothing comes of this little fling.

I'll suck the Lemon Balm to get over my feelings.  Black candles, lemon balm, and eggs. 

I even have the perfect lighter. 

I bought it for Steve before he went bonkers. 

It was a custom Zippo made in brass. 

It had his name on the lid. 

It had a Bob Marley quote on it "Light up the darkness."

He likes to light cheap apple scented candles when he's feeling amorous.  Aphrodite likes apples, so I always thought that was a cute thing to do.  I bought him a huge three wick apple candle from Yankee Candle. 

I was going to let him ponder the meaning of the gift. 

To me "light up the darkness" means fighting for the underdog.  The fact that Bob Marley said it makes it about social activism.  I wanted to see how Mr. Reads-Too-Much-Into-Everything would take it. 

I wanted to flirt with him by dropping it off on his porch, wrapped in tissue inside an apple scented wooden box with a sweet and loving Christmas ornament as a bow.  The ornament was pewter.  It was inscribed "with loving thoughts of you at Christmas." 

I thought he would enjoy pondering what was on my mind when I bought everything. 

I never got to give it to him.  His mother and father wanted to do something with him and picked him up several hours earlier that originally planned. 

I never got to drop the gift off. 

He only wanted me to drop it off if it led to sex.  Sex on that day would have led to babies....

NO!! 

I made the right decision for everyone involved.  My friend....myself....his mother.  

His mom...well... she's getting far too old to steal another child from her son. 

Then he sent me this email about how gift giving makes me break up with him.  No....he bitches and gives me the suggestion that I'm breaking up with him.  Then he whines about my life.  Then he attacks. Then he's gone. 

This time...he blamed Bitcoin. 

Bitcoin made him crazier than a pit bull foaming at the mouth.

Don't ask me. 

I don't know. 

I give up. 

I am not ready for any relationship. 

I should be laughing at the absurdity of it all. 

I'm crying. 

I'm not ready for a relationship. 

I don't know if I should write about my disdain for Porn Star Sex.  Sex is NOT supposed to be what we see on TV.  It's supposed to be down and dirty.  It's supposed to be real and spontaneous.  Look, I'd rather have a short dirty scream fest than 40 minute yoga fun. 

Do I mention the nightmare of shushing?

Ugh!!

Some women actually like fellatio.  If she's bleeding all the damn time, there are alternatives. 

I feel lost and inhibited around him. 

If I can't do one thing....and I can't do the others....what is left to do?

I don't know if I should write about my penchant for buying bass guitars after break ups.  

I bought a five string Steinberger after Thomas.

I got a custom made five string Koa wood Peavey after Ross. 

Mike promised me a fretless Fender.  I sold my guitars to stay afloat.  I am saving up for a fretless bass. 

Steve....what is that worth?  An eight week fling where we spend half of it arguing over some stupid things he wrote on Facebook? 

Hmmmm.......do they make bass guitars cheap enough? 

I know.....I know.....

I think I'll go out and buy myself a kazoo and make all the damn noise I want to make!!! 

Love ya,

S. 

Witchy Life Experiences

Today I am thankful for knowing what life experiences I DO NOT want to repeat.

 

 

I feel as though I have spent my entire adult life extricating my lovers' gonads from their mothers' smothering arms. 

 

I never want to do that again.   

 

My current love has somehow managed to allow his mother to control her grandchildren (his children).  This gives her a certain amount of control over him.  He has become her puppet. 

She has already (allegedly) made mention that he should leave "people like [me] alone."   That's enough for me.  I've not really been comfy with the relationship since my boyfriend told me that. 

Now, I'm less comfortable than ever.  It's a long story and one I don't understand.  Either he withheld information from me for some unknown reason -or- his mother withheld information from him.  Either way, it puts me in an uncomfortable position where I feel rushed into meeting his children. 

Now, there are general rules that I learned in social work school about meeting another single parents children.  Typically your relationship ought to be on solid ground for over three months before one does that.  We haven't had two months of a continuous romance.  I'm not ready. 

This man does not have custody of his children.  His mother has custody of one.  His ex wife the other.  He rarely sees them and his mother is the gatekeeper to time with his offspring. 

You'd have to kill me before you could do that to my babies.  If an old geezette wants a baby, she can adopt one of her own or try IVF.  There is no reason to steal your grandbabies....none...nada...zip!

Having a mother as a gatekeeper for your kiddos gives her an awful lot of unnatural control over your life. 

 

I will never again spend time with a man whose mother has him by the balls. 

 

Men who have puppet master mothers tend to allow their mothers to control their love interests. 

 

That won't fly too far with me. 

 

I'm a witch.  He won't like what will happen if his mother gets controlling on my path.  The last mother who did that went blind, developed RA, and her husband died within 48 hours of me lighting a candle asking that my stalker go away.  Sadly, the daughter picked up where my father-in-law left off.

 

In 1990, the woman before that broke into my house and beat me up as I sat in a bathtub. She was angry that the police caught her son beating the hell out of me. 

She left me battered and bruised.  She had an aneurysm and died a week later. 

Tommy's mother was a saint.  I'd love to see her win the lotto -but- she was always too saintly to gamble.  I think she is still alive.  She'd be in her 80's now. 

 

Please.....leave me alone. 

I inherited 4oo+ magickal artifacts said to contain Djinn and other wish granting entities.  It could be that one of them may be real.  I don't know.  All I know is that people who piss me off end up dead or severely injured.

I like to stay away from assholes because I hate funerals. 

 

I tire of casting wellness and protection spells for my enemies.  I just revoked a wellness spell I had cast for the City Attorney.  I can't handle the constant harassment he puts on my path.  He needs to leave me alone.  Why keep him well enough to continually harm me?

I don't date often but my boyfriends' controlling mothers have never fared well. 

 

Besides I'm too busy to play games with people like that. 

 

It's best to let the man go.

I like balls.  I can't play with them if his mother has them. 

I'll nurse my pain with vodka. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

 

Alone Time

Today I am thankful for having alone time. 

If the men in my life don't shape up and/or ship out, I'm going to have a lot more alone time. 

My ex is guilt-tripping me into staying married.  Our divorce will be final in sixteen days.

My best friend is guilt-tripping me for not meeting his family. 

My family is trying to get me to become a lesbian. 

I am tired. 

My ex is insane.

My current flame is getting pushy.  

I am thinking that I am going to be alone.

I am tired of the antics of other people. 

I don't know. 

Is love really worth it?

I need to lay low for a couple of weeks. 

I'll take some time to think about what I need but I'm fairly certain that it does not involve men. 

Love ya,

S. 

NPD Communication

Today I am thankful that I am finally understanding NPD Communication strategies. 
 

They triangulate!!!  In other words, they communicate through third parties.

I don't like the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) label.  I am a trained psycho-therapist and it is fairly vague.  It only describes a certain subset of behaviors.  

My ex was diagnosed with NPD. 

He has to control everything!!! 

He is always the victim!!! 

 

I'm being stalked by members of his family but haven't seen any of them following me around in a little over two weeks.  I'm silently cheering. 

 

My ex will tell me that he is a victim of his sister. 

 

That's weird. 

 

 

I still can't figure out how she knows where I am and what I am doing. 

 

My ex must be telling her. 

 

My ex was supposed to move out on October 21st.  I politely gave him until November 1. 

He was supposed to help me fix my van in exchange for me signing an alimony waiver and giving him the newer car. 

 

He's still here. 

 

He is still driving my ratty old unrepaired mini-van. 

 

He is living off of the IRA he promised to give me in the separation agreement.  I do not have access to the account. 

 

I'm still being stalked (at least, as of two weeks ago). 

 

Sigh....

 

Yesterday, I let him accompany me while Christmas shopping. 

 

That was a BIG mistake!! 

He ran around talking about how he needed nothing, because he had nothing, because I took it all away. 

 

He slept apart from me off and on since 2001. 

 

He has physically left me three times since 2001. 

 

Around 2002, he started telling me that we were in a 'fake marriage' and that divorce was imminent, so he didn't have to talk to me...

 

We've been in a sexless marriage since 2008.   

 

What pisses me off is that he...... HE IS THE VICTIM!!!! 

 

HE DIDN'T SEE THE DIVORCE COMING!!! 

 

Oh, my goodness!!! 

 

I'm upset. 

 

He wants me back. 

 

Now, at this point, it is obvious that I have a new love.  I spend the weekends with him.  I smell like his cologne and that ought to be enough to express that I am not able to continue in a relationship with my ex. 

 

Do I dare go into details?  Ladies don't do that. 

Do I say that Aerosmith did a song about Steve? 

Sigh.....

I'm intimidated by my boyfriend's physiology.  I don't know what to think about that. 

 

I really don't know.

How does one go back to an abuser one perceives to be tiny? 

Again...it's probably just perception. 

The kinder a guy is the better he is in bed. 

So....who knows? 

Who cares? 

It's no secret. 

Why am I worried? 

*****

 

It gets worse. 

 

I am trying to start re-start my business.  I can make good money in my business. 

 

However, I need to be stalk free.  I need access to money. 

 

I do not have these things yet. 

 

I am working on it.  I have an office.  I do custom voice-over work for others in the field.  I am working on it. 

 

My ex wants to be in control of my money. 

 

He wants me to get an office job somewhere. 

 

He wants to know where I work. 

 

I'm looking at Christmas presents in a department store and my ex turns to me and says, "Did you tell your boyfriend that I'll move out the day you get a real job?"
Should I?

 

Why? 

 

My ex wants my boyfriend to find me a job. 

He wants to use me to communicate with Steve. 

It seems like they should just meet. 

*****

My ex (Mike) wants my best friend (Steve) to find me a job. 

I'd laugh but it hurts too much. 
 

I can just as easily go down to the local drug and alcohol counseling center and get one myself - if the owner doesn't realize that I'm the politician who threatened to shut him down because he lets his male clients rape the female clients.  Then he blames the alcohol!!!!  You know, his clients were drunk and had lower inhibitions, so it's not his fault they f*ck:  It's NOT LIKE keeping drunk men and women separated is the detox centers responsibility or anything.  UGH!!!!  If a client tells the police she's been raped, the city attorney has false charges filed against the rape victims. 

This drug and alcohol center is heavily supported by the city government.  They get their clients from the police department. 

They need to get out of my town!  I'll find a way to do that.  

I'll find a way after my life settles down. 

With regard to my job search, my issue is my celebrity.  I have to be careful about the jobs I seek now. 

 

Maybe something in PR? 

I don't know. 

 

 

*****

 

I'm wondering if I should invite my boyfriend into my world a little more.   Maybe if Steve were real to Mike, he'd leave me alone. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I don't like the triangulation thingy. 

 

Maybe the local McDonalds will give me a job. 

 

I could volunteer for a tax activist.  That's a job!! 

 

Sigh....

 

I betcha if I found a job, my ex would have a new reason to stay. 

 

I'm in pain. 

 

I wish I new what to do. 

*****

You know what's funny?  One day my boyfriend jumped on me and tried to kiss me.  I was annoyed and not expecting it.  I called him "Mike"! 

At least I get his name right when it counts. 

That's a bad sign, isn't it?  If I call you Mike and that's not your name, BACK OFF!!!  

 

I'm off to see a shrink.  This is weird. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

Edit Later that day:

So, I went to the shrink's office. 

Me shrieking when people sneak up on me and calling them the name of my ex is a symptom of my PTSD. 

My shrink liked the idea that I got talking to Steve about taking Yoga classes to get rid of the anxiety. 

That helped a lot. 

I felt confident that I could get my life back. 

All I had to do was stay positive, embrace the changes in my life, and things would fall into place. 

Mike would move on. 

I could be with my best friend. 

All would be well. 

I came home to find my ex calling to check up on me.

What the hell? 

He's never leaving, is he? 

Now I find myself depressed and sad. 

I think I know why he wants me to stay in this house. 

I think I know why he won't leave until he knows where I work. 

I'm sad.

 I hate my life right now because I don't see a way out.   

I really don't. 

I can have all the court orders in the world but there is nothing on the planet that will make my ex follow them. 

Sigh...  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheap Cell Phones

Today I am thankful for cheap cell phones. 

I'm a little bit freaked out today. 

My ex hasn't left the house in 72 hours.  He claims that he is sick. 

I don't know.  Maybe he is.  Maybe he isn't. 

He won't go to the doctor. 

After talking to a fellow stalking victim, I realized that my Android phone had spyware on it. 

My phone was accessing the 3G network and changing my settings all by itself.  It would install new files without my permission and my permissions on the phone were changing.  I thought I had gotten it wet but that wouldn't cause the problems it is having. 

My phone was hacked and has to be reset. 

The weirdest part of all is that my sister-in-law has turned up in places I was visiting.  One day upon seeing her watch me at a coffee shop, I found a protective shield for my vehicle hanging on the ground when I went into the parking lot.  I'm wondering if a new GPS device was installed on my car. 

I'm praying for a new car. 

I'm thinking they are using my phone to track me. 

They know about my relationship with Steve.  Okay, everyone knows I'm seeing him -but- my ex knows specifics that I do not tell a soul!  

It has to be the spyware on my phone. 

Today I am working on getting a new phone.  I bought two very old 2005ish era cell phones for my carrier.  I can't even text on them.  They don't have a prayer of getting any information about me now. 

 The moment I mentioned that to my ex, he fell ill and is moping about in his bedroom. 

I realized how the spyware was put on my Andriod phone.  I'm not happy about it.  I had the same password to my Google+ account that I used for Facebook.  Shannon had hacked my Facebook account numerous times.  I found out by inspecting my Facebook settings; there were log ins from her home town.  The day after I changed my password, I was locked out of my account for several hours because someone had tried to log in numerous times. 

If a stalker has your Google+ password, it is easy for them to go to Google Play and download spyware that can take control of your phone and/or activate the microphone (which could be how they know about Steve and I having certain adventures). 
Steve told me how to do a two part Google authentication process to put a stop to it. 

My hairs are standing on end. 

I'm shaking constantly. 

My ex has to be my stalker. 

I am terrified but don't know exactly why. 

I thought I should document this. 

I know he is blowing through my portion of our settlement to pressure me into staying.  I feel pressured into staying but the divorce is so far gone, it will be nearly impossible to stop now. 

I need a job that my stalker doesn't know about. 

Wow....

Love ya,

S. 

31 Days To Go

Today I am thankful that I have 31 days to go until my divorce is final. 

My ex is still living with me.  He is telling me that he will not move out until I have a good paying job. 

That is the catch-22.  I don't know how to get a good paying job working for someone else.  I haven't worked in a traditional job in 17 years.  I haven't held a job in 22 years without being stalked by a member of his family!  I have no references that will not tell prospective employers "she's afraid to come into work because some fat chick follows her around" or "her husband doesn't want her to work."

I am not sure I can do that until I know for sure the stalking is over.  

I can work for myself.  I am not sure that I can work for anyone else. 

It is creepy. 

I spend the weekends that my ex wanted with the girls with Steve. 

It is incredibly creepy to have my ex call me when I'm with Steve to ask me to pick up stuff at the grocery store. 

I spend money on myself and to support Michael which comes from my portion of the divorce settlement.  Mike hasn't turned that account over to me yet.  He just takes money out of it and puts it in the joint checking account in order to run the household.  I don't know where his money is going.  By law, so long as he lives in this house, he does not have to pay child support. 

My ex has the better end of the deal.  My money is his money so long as he's in the house.  His money is his money.  Unless he's being ultra irresponsible, I don't know where those funds are going.

I have decided to continue to allow Michael to borrow my van.  I don't care.  I'm not as nasty as he is.  He won't share his car.  I'll share mine.  I bought mine with a loan I took out (he never has to pay on it).  We used family funds to pay for his car.  We used my share of the divorce settlement to put a new engine, alternator, and do other repairs to his car. 

I am a bigger person. 

I am much luckier because I am a good person.  I have more friends.  I get more opportunities. 

I guess it all works itself out in the end. 

I do find myself asking how much can an ex screw me out of in the next 31 days? 

There is no way I can protect myself. 

The soonest I can begin eviction proceedings is January 9th.  I'm not even sure that I have it in me to do that.  I can imagine the children getting upset with me if I push my ex out of the house before he is ready. 

Maybe I need to do a love spell.  Maybe I can ask Isis to bring my ex a love who won't put up with his crap. 

She'd help him move out. 

We'll see. 

I think my biggest fear would be hurting Steve.  He's been my friend for three years.  I can't imagine life without him.  If my ex continues to sabotage me and take up a large chunk of my time, I can see how I'll lose my best friend. 

I should be more available to my friend and less available to provide homemaking services to my ex. 

That's the thing....he's not really supporting me.  I'm still doing his laundry and spending about two hours a day cooking and cleaning up after him.  Who needs who here? 

I don't know how to divorce, huh?

I'm not doing it right. 

I don't think it is proper to bleach your ex husband's whites while talking to your love on the telephone. 

That is incredibly creepy.

I guess this should have been expected.  We stopped sleeping together in 2001.  We've had a sexless marriage since 2008.  We've been roommates.  I guess divorce does little to change the reality of the situation. 

We are still roommates.

Divorce just frees up some of the money my ex has been controlling for years, keeps him from ripping me off as much as he was because the courts will hold him accountable, and it will help me put an end to the stalking.

I should say one thing, though.  Steve is very well grounded in logic and science.  He has this amazing ability to debunk most of the bullshit I've been spoon-fed over the past 22 years.  That truly is helping me get away from the crazy crap. 

It helps knowing that my van won't blow up.  So I can look for a job. 

It helps knowing that being followed isn't a problem.   Shannon, William, Rhonda, Doug and whoever else is recruited to follow me isn't the problem.  The problem is how other people perceive their behavior and the property damage they cause. 

It helps knowing that I CAN get a restraining order if Shannon harasses another colleague or damages property.  I can prove those things. 

It helps knowing that I have a huge support system. 

Most of all, it helps knowing that there is one person in the world who has faith that I can solve my problems by myself.  I usually do. 

There is something about another human being having faith in us that makes everything brighter. 

I am a lucky woman indeed!

Love,

S. 

The Comedy of Asking to Borrow a Narcissist's Car

Today I am thankful for those moments where I get confirmation that my ex has NPD.

According to the separation agreement, he was supposed to move out and split the assets by November 1st.  He didn't do that. 

In exchange for keeping the newer car with the new engine, he was supposed to get my car repaired or help me buy a newer one.  He didn't do that either. 

Over the past few days, my van has been acting up.  I'm having trouble starting it.  It stalls at lights.  The brake light comes on.  The check engine light has been on for five years. 

Today, after driving it for about a half of an hour, the smell of gas fumes overtook the cab.  I can't drive it anymore due to the fear of an explosion. 

I asked to borrow my ex's car.  He's sick.  He's not using it.  I have to pick up the kids.  I have to go to a meeting. 

One thing about people with NPD is that they will claim to have the same problems or gifts that you do. 

If you have an IQ of 140, so do they (or maybe they'll claim an IQ o 160).

If you have a million dollars, so do they.

If you have the flu and need a day off, so do they. 

I asked to borrow his car for a couple of hours and his response was

"My car is having trouble starting.  It stalls.  There is a smell of gas fumes that permeates the cab so it isn't safe to drive."

So, no I can't borrow his car because my car is fine.  His car is having issues. 

I can't drive mine.  The suspension is shot.  My ex promised to fix it.  He bought the parts and sat on them for several months.  A mechanic told me that he thinks the bolts at the manifold are broken. 
It's better to junk the car at this point. 

I'm a little pissed.  I'm not sure how to buy a car with no access to money.   

Oh, goodie!!  The kids and I are out of luck. 

That's okay.  Maybe it's time for him to move out, split the money, and honor his part of our separation agreement. 

I am kind to him.  I still scrub the stains out of his clothes.  I bleach his underwear.  I put sheets on his bed.  I cook for him.  I clean up after him.  He is spending my portion of the settlement on our living expenses.  He is expensive!! 

Why bother helping him anymore?  Why allow him to stay here?  He can't give me the slightest consideration. 

Why in the heck should I? 

He has no idea how angry I am at this very moment. 

I'm angry enough to hold him to his promises. 

He has taken my car without my permission recently.  He did it the other day.  My mistake was asking for permission.  I'm not a thief and I wasn't raised in a barn.  I ask permission.  I don't steal. 

I'm upset because I have to take public transportation in sub-zero temperatures with two very painful temporary crowns in my mouth.  The cold air makes my jaw throb. 

I'll deal with it. 

Love,

S. 

A New Life

Today I am thankful that I am beginning to see a new life for myself. 

I have a friend who is an insurance salesman.  He sat down with me for an hour and solved quite a few problems for me. 

That was helpful. 

The brakes on my van went out on the way home. 

Yesterday, the damn thing kept stalling. 

I guess it is time to pray for a newer car. 

The frigid temperatures are making it hard to breathe.  My teeth still ache from my dental work. 

I stopped at the local thrift shop looking for craft ideas for Christmas.  There is a guy who works there who flirts with all the ladies.  He flirted with me.  He said he always imagined that I was a doctor or a teacher given the way I dressed.

I told him that I used to be a hypnotherapy instructor.  His eyes widened.  He quickly went back to work. 

He set out one of those 1970s era French bread pans. 

I love those things. 

Mine broke in 2011 and my life hasn't been the same since. 

That was lucky. 

The problem, though, is that the dough won't rise due to the cold temperatures in the house.  I made a batch of rolls instead.  That's not as much fun as French bread but the kids loved them. 

I was bitchy. 

I bake when I am bitchy.

I was angry when my ex asked me to proof a letter to the City Council asking for a payment plan for a fine he was issued that is due tomorrow!  He sat on it a month. 

Now, according to city code, if he doesn't pay on time, he will be served to go to a hearing.  It will undoubtedly be a kangaroo court where he will have to pay all sorts of attorney fees and court costs.  He may even go to jail.  I'm not sure if my divorce will be finalized if he goes to jail. 

He's controlling everything.  I can't get my life back until the divorce is final. 

Since my ex has been raiding my portion of the settlement to live on (even though he works), I figure that there is no harm in stealing a little more to pay the assholes at the city. 

I was so angry that I put a black magick curse on the check. 

Why not? 

It's fun!!! 

Touch it at your peril. 

I was angry with him. 

I am angry that he is raiding money. 

I am angry that he is creating a lot o drama.

I am angry that he has no intention on moving out until after our divorce is final.

Part of the settlement was that my car would be repaired so he could have the new car. 

It wont be repaired until he gives me the portion of the settlement we agreed upon.  

That's okay, I guess. 

I will be cash poor until then. 

I am hurt that he is stealing those funds but I really can't do anything about it. 

I am trying to get work. 

The stalking, though, it scares me enough to keep me from seeking public opportunities. 

If I only knew what the stalking was about, maybe I could address it and everyone could move on.

I told my ex this and he blamed me for the stalking.   

He said that the stalking is my fault because I do not confront my stalkers in public! 

His family is stalking me.  They are getting information about my whereabouts from him and he thinks it is my fault. 

I'm angry. 

I'm pissed. 

I am talking to fellow activists who have been stalked by the police department.  They're not so sure that my in-laws are the only ones stalking me.   They think that having cop cars sit outside my home on a daily basis for three years points to them as being involved somehow. 

They think that the police department put the GPS device on my vehicle. 

I don't know.  I did find one of them in my garage messing around.  But then, the day after the GPS box was taken off of my car, my sister-in-law called offering us a phone on her family plan that had GPS on it. 

I don't know. 

I'm just a tad bit creeped out. 

The City of A*rora can steal what is left of a single unemployed mother's retirement for their own filthy gain.  I am now out $650 worth of money due to unfair fines. 

Considering that $62K went missing from the retirement accounts since 2011, $650 seems like a pittance.  The retirement accounts are at 1/20th of their original value. 

That is not a lot to live on or to start my new life with.  Nonetheless, the piggies at the city will get their money.  I hope they choke on it. 

The City Council will abuse the members of my household until they get their money.  It doesn't matter who racked up the fine, I have to pay it so my kids never again see the cops banging on the door to harass us at 2:00 a.m. on a school night just to make a point to my ex.

They did that once.  They laughed at me and claimed they were banging on the door because I called 911.  The phone company confirmed that 911 was never dialed. 

The assistant city attorney got upset that I turned her into the regulatory commission for breaking numerous laws, so she had the police harass me.  When I realized what had happened and that she had the blessing of the city council, I cursed the council so that no tax hikes would pass until I got an apology and the original $500 they stole from me back.  

They've never apologized.

They've not won a tax hike measure since.

Stupid men....never, ever ask a witch what she is going to do about unfair abuses. 

I've yet to show them all that I can do. 

Love,

S. 

B!tchy Witchy

Today I am thankful for being a b!tch. 

I made two executive decisions. 

First, I'm going to do everything in my power to avoid talking to my ex.  He's insane.  He's confusing.  When he talks to me, I run for chocolate.  I've gained 7 pounds dealing with him over the past two months. 

So...I'm going to take no more shit from him.

I'm going take a portion of the $5,000 my ex stole from the IRA I received in my divorce settlement package to fix my teeth and advertise my business.   I don't know how much is left.  I'll just take it out of the bank in $350 increments until it is gone. 

I'll do what I can to increase my business while I can. 

I have a lot of great mentors.  They'll teach me how to use my skill and charm to make money.

I'm also going to get the kids to the orthodontist and make the down payments on their dental work if the funds are still there. 

Because the City of A*rora is hounding my ex over a $150 fine and it makes him cranky and makes me have to deal with him, I'll probably fund that out of that money, too.  It would be nice if my ex would take some responsibility for his garbage. 

And if the city tacks on fees, I will be livid.  Ms. Musician made a recording of the City Clerk telling me they would do no such thing.  The Clerk lied when she said her letter detailed the fine (it didn't).  If she lies again, I will feel even more motivated to re-post my HarassNoMore page! 

I haven't even uploaded all my dirt on the Mayor and members of the City Council yet!  I was waiting for the divorce to be final.  The City Attorney asked my ex to promise that Mrs. Smith wouldn't post a damn thing.  Well, you know what?  Ms. Smith WILL and she'll enjoy every flippin' moment of it!

None of the dirt is personal.  It is just a collection of abusive emails that I received from various politicians and city employees. 

I'm going to curse the check I make out to the City Clerk and the check I make out to the Sherriff.  If you want to annoy the hell out of a witch at Christmas, I promise you that your days will be much less merry and much more dreary.

And you know what?  The mayor has inspired me to buy myself a State Union of Taxpayers membership for Christmas, so I can keep up on the tax hiking creeps that are making my life miserable. 

Yes, I desire the ability to give as good as I get when it comes to creepy politicians.  That's all I truly want.  I want to annoy my harassers to the point that they decide it is better for them to leave me the hell alone!

 

If Mr. Smith gets too cranky, I'm buying myself a new gun.

 

*****

I had some dental work done this morning.  I cannot talk.  I look like a chipmunk.  My face is still numb and swollen.  I have a fat lip.  I haven't been hit.  My Angelina Jolie lips are due to my sparkly new crowns. 

The entire few days have been crazy.  The weather is currently eight degrees below zero.  Every time I breathe, my teeth ache.  I may have to go back to the dentist in the morning. 

*****

 

I've been trying to spend more time corresponding with kind and loving people than with people who drive me insane. 

I wanted to promote a friend's pages online.  She has an anti-stalking page. 

She asked me to promote it online.  I did. 

My ex promoted it too!!! 

The cops say he's stalking me.  I have caught him on a few occasions.  His sister shows up to events that he knows about.  He's got to have something to do with it. 

He denies it.  It drives me crazy.  This is one reason I cannot speak to him anymore.

Do you know how weird it is for one's stalker to promote every single thing I promote?

Ugh!!! 

*****

I am trying to give more time to my love than my ex. 

It is a darn difficult thing to do with my ex living here and all. 

I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed by my ex's presence.  I am hurt by the constant string of lies.  I fear what will happen the moment I go back to work. 

I never know what is going on.  I don't know if he'll do his part of the parenting plan.  I generally wind up making myself available to do the things he promised to do due to his lack of consistency. 

I am realizing that I am becoming very depressed about it. 

I am having a tough time leaving the house again. 

My ex tantrums every time I spend time with my love. 

I can't stand that. 

This is hurting me deeply. 

This is why I have panic attacks. 

I am beginning to have them again. 

*****

I'm checking in.  I'm okay. 

My life is beginning to feel quite surreal. 

I hope it gets better from here. 

Love,

S. 

An Ornery Plan

Today I am thankful that I have an ornery plan.

If you read my blogs, you know that I am being stalked by my in-laws.  I'm not sure when they are considered my former in-laws.  I haven't willingly spoken to any of them since 1998. 

The cops say my ex is putting them up to it. 
My ex says they are doing it on their own so he doesn't care about it.  This is why I kicked him to the curb.  If your sister is following your spouse around while you sit on your hairy ass and do nothing...it is YOUR PROBLEM. 

I'm pissed.

My in-laws will follow me around and menace me.  They say things like "You bitch!  You won't let my brother [insert crazy demand for money or time here]......"

-or-

"You bitch!  You won't give my brother his mail and he missed my [insert family event or intervention session here]....."

I do give him his mail.  I think he just chooses to ignore it.  If they were nice to him, I bet he'd give them a forwarding address. 

My former in-laws like to harass me on the street and call me Satan.  That's not an issue. 

The issue is when they go to third parties and start lying their asses off.  They'll go to my bosses, my colleagues, my neighbors, professors and anyone they can and tell them that I've got plans to either shoot my friends, spy on my friends, harass my friend or so on. 

That game only worked once.  They convinced a mentally ill neighbor that I was spying on him. 

That was sad.  He got so paranoid, he lost his job and his home. 

By the time I knew what had happened it was too late.  He was complaining that my fat sister was harassing him. 

I.....don't....have....a....fat....sister!

My sister in law, Shannon, she topped 500 pounds.  I was excited for her the day I saw her on Good Morning America touting her 300 pound weight loss. 

I wonder how much of that she lost following me around. 

Sigh....

Maybe next time, she'll shout diet tips at me and I'll shout back my appreciation.  If it works, I guess I can throw Starbucks gift cards at her in appreciation.  The last time I saw her, she was watching me inside of a Starbucks.   

Other than the stalking incidents, I don't talk to them anymore. 

I do, however, talk to my brother-in-law's bill collectors - several times a day!!!!

 

 

It would seem that William and his wife Kelly have used me as a reference.  That is weird because I haven't spoken to them since 2005ish when William followed me around a Pagan Fair blaming me because his brother didn't show up to an event. 

 

I have spent the entire morning trying to make ONE fifteen minute vocal recording.  The phone keeps ringing.  I had to turn the ringer off. 

 

Each time, it has been one of William's bill collectors. 

 

This is what I'm gonna do. 

 

I am going to arrange a meeting with the bill collectors and my stalkers. 

 

I am going to invite the bill collection agent (or an agent of his in town) out for coffee. 

 

I am going to post my whereabouts online. 

 

I will point them to the direction of either Shannon or William. 

 

Perhaps this will put a stop to the stalking. 

 

If that doesn't work, the Private Investigator I hired to reveal the identity of my stalkers managed to gave me their cell phone numbers.  I'll just give those to the bill collectors.  That will me the act of last resort. 

 

If I ever see Shannon, Doug, William, Kelly, John C., Rhonda, or any number of those former in-law jokers again.....I'm giving their cell phone numbers to the creditors.  They are blood relatives.  I'm a stalking survivor.  I don't know how to locate William.  He and his sister sure know how to locate me!!!

 

I hope this is the last time I ever see them watching me slurp tea. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 



When His Lies Become The Truth

Today I am thankful that I noticed how my ex's lies become the truth. 

I'm not happy about it. 

Frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. 

It doesn't matter what the reality is.....it is what a dysfunctional person thinks it is. 

Maybe understanding how that happens can help me create the reality that I want. 

*****

I miss my love. 

I was having withdrawals, so I invited myself out to lunch with him. 

At noon, I met him at a coffee shop across the street from my office. 

He bought me hibiscus tea, with little flowers and fruit bits in it. 

It was yummy -but- truth be told, I was there for the company. 

As we sat at a table chatting, a woman was standing at the door. 

This woman looked just like my ex's sister.  Her name is Shannon. 

Shannon was 589 pounds, according to news reports.  She lost 300 of it over the past three years. 

That makes her nearly 300 pounds. She is tall (6') has straight blond hair, blue eyes, bad teeth, nice skin, and walks like a man.  I mean, she literally walks like a man.  She takes big steps.  She sits with her legs spread apart.  She has the mannerisms of a guy. 

This woman entered the coffee shop sat behind my love, directly facing me.  I didn't really think too much about it.*  

Yes....at first, I was a little shaken but I wasn't sure that it was her.  I only see her once in a blue moon when I catch her following me, harassing people I know, or trying to break into my house.  I only hear her voice when she calls her to gloat (e.g. the day the GPS box was removed from my car).   I haven't willingly spoken to Shannon since 1998!! 

Her weight fluctuates so much that I never recognize her.  I usually find out later that she was the one bugging me.  She brags about it!!  That is how I know she is the stalker.  She will brag to everyone about it. 

Yesterday, at the coffee shop, I noticed this woman staring.  I kept focusing on my love. 

I touched my love's arm and told him that I missed him.  As I looked up to meet his eyes, I noticed this woman's fierce gaze. 

I shifted my chair. 

My love turned around, looked at her and asked me if I was okay. 

I lied and said that I was okay. 

Then I told him about the stalking. 

I told him about Shannon, her brother, her fiance, her uncle and all of my ex's relatives that follow me.  I told him that they tend to have certain days that they harass me.  I told him that I wished they'd just tell me what the hell they wanted.  I told him that I am oblivious to it unless someone else points it out or the stalkers engaged me.

The woman at the coffee shop did not engage me.   

She just stared.

She didn't follow my love or I when we left. 

I don't know if that was Shannon at all.  Without hearing her voice, I cannot be sure. 

I'll know if she brags about it and calls my ex to tell him that I'm "cheating" on him.  Shannon likes to exaggerate stories, so it'll probably be something about me sitting on top of my friend naked cumming in front of God and everybody. 

I need to start taping the stories, maybe I could write a best selling novel!! 

On the bright side, my love was with me. 

I felt safe. 

I guess I was.

*****

 

My neighbor confronted me because I have yet to kick my ex to the curb. 

 

I told him that I agreed to let him stay until the final hearing.  I told him that he had requested that the final hearing be made after the first of the year to save him money on taxes.  Then he raided $10,000 from my IRA to support the family why he is here. It would have been cheaper for me to send him packing!  I was given the IRA in exchange for waiving alimony.  That was dumb.  Because he's damned determined to spend it before he leaves. 

If I have no money to fall back on, he's never going to leave....is he? 

I see the game. 

It is infuriating!!! 

 

My neighbor told me that I was being played.  My ex won't leave. 

 

I'm beginning to believe he is right. 

This is how a false reality becomes real.  My ex tells everyone that we are still married.  He won't admit to the divorce.  He won't leave.  The reality appears to be that we are happily married. 

The question becomes, how do I change reality so that I get what I want? 

 

*****

 

The cops and the therapists say that my ex is having his family stalk me.

 

I don't know.  I've never caught him actively planning stalking.  He'll admit to planning stalking events with his sister but then tell me that he was joking.  I don't know.  I don't know what the reality is. 

 

My ex knew that I was going to visit my friend at lunch.  He wanted to spend yesterday with the kids, so I told him that I wouldn't be around that afternoon. 

 

He knew where I would be and with whom. 

 

Imagine the odds that a woman looking like his morbidly obese sister would show up and sit parallel to me while staring at me. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I really don't. 

 

All I know is that I'm not hiding anything. 

 

I do know that I fear my ex will never leave the house without being evicted. 

 

I do fear that I will lose my love over it. 

 

*****

Things around the house keep breaking. 

 

I think this is happening so my ex has a reason to stay. 

 

He knows I have a boyfriend. 

 

I don't hide anything. 

 

I'm quite open about it. 

 

I don't talk about what we do...but it is obvious that I'm in love with my best friend. 

 

I don't lie. 

 

This is becoming a Facebook pissing match. 

 

I don't know how to explain it. 

 

It just is. 

 

My ex has to express his necessity in my life on my posts - and - my love will express his concern. 

 

I have to play the NPD game.  I will have to praise my ex for creating problems only to solve them for me. 

 

Yes, my ex fixed the stove that I am too terrified to use.  He did this so I'd make him a holiday dinner which I agreed to do in the Separation Agreement.  I assume that once my ex falls in love, those provisions will die out.  He'll want to be with his new lady. 

 

My ex also fixed the washer, so I could wash his clothes. 

 

It's a game. 

 

I hate it. 

 

It's going to cost me my best friend. 

 

*****

 



Today my love is running a 5K for charity. 

 

I want to be with him. 

 

Yet, I am here stuffing a turkey for a turkey. 

My priorities are fucked up. 

My love should get my time. 
 

I couldn't sleep a wink last night because I realized that I'm going to lose the love of my life over this. 

 

I can't give myself fully to him when I'm being followed by people who look like my ex's sister and my ex is hanging around the house. 

 

I'm in tears. 

 

I did talk to my ex about my moving out and giving him custody of the kids and the house.  He doesn't want it. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

I cannot enforce the separation agreement until the final hearing. 

 

I cannot make my ex stop raiding the retirement accounts. 

 

I cannot make him move out. 

 

I'm a sitting duck. 

 

*****



 

I guess I do have a lot to be thankful for. 

 

If Shannon was the lady at the Coffee Shop, it is proof that the cops are right.  My ex is the stalker.  He was the only one who knew where I would be. 

 

I wasn't terrified this time.  That is something to be thankful for, too. 

My love helps me feel safe. 

 

I found love, albeit too soon. 

 

I'm not sure it'll work because of the timing. 

 

I don't have the heart to throw my ex out in the cold, that will ruin my new relationship. 

 

My love was my best friend for two years.  My friends could see where it was heading but I was oblivious.  I feel like a fool.  They told me to move on.  I didn't.  As usual, my friends were right. 

 

Right love + Wrong time = Heartache 

 



At least, I had the beautiful experience of being loved by my best friend. 

 

How many people can say that? 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

Love ya,

 

S.

*Edit: 

That was Shannon in the coffee shop.  I tracked down her blog.  I found a recent photo and the name of her workplace.  She works at the office building next to the one I rent from. 

In her blog she writes about her disappointment in never having a sister she could count on.  She used to refer to herself as my sister and then make all sorts of demands on my time.  Then she started pointing guns at my neighbors and hassling people I know while claiming to be my sister. 

I still down know if she's stalking me for her own purposes or to help her brother. 

I'm going to print off Shannon's picture and carry it with me with a notation that she's my stalker.  Next time, I'll snap a picture of her watching me and take it down to the police station.   I should have done that yesterday.  She was sitting behind my boyfriend.  I'm sure he would have happily posed.  

That was Shannon!!!

Why the hell is she working next door to me???? 

Five weeks....It's only five more weeks until the divorce is final. 

I can do this. 

Love,

S. 


 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 









 

Lessons Courtesy of Funny Men

Today I am thankful for life's humorous moments.

I have a friend who I used to crush on before I met my love.  This friend is a musician and a talent agent.  He lives in [edited out for privacy], so I never get to see him.  He flies out to my city occasionally but I never get enough notice to drop what I'm doing to visit with him. 

I don't want to give his name. 

Let's see.....we'll call him....hmmmm.....Bob. 

Bob recently complained that all the women he dates want a guy with an 10" penis. 

Yeah.....

Not I....it's too much.  It's like having GG cups and not being able to run a marathon due to the pain. 

Once I said that, I think Bob fell in love. 

He writes to me all the time and wants to chat via the telephone.  He's trying to set up radio and television interviews for me. 

Uh...NO!  

I'm hiding from those websites where he contacts me now. 

So....

This is where it gets funny. 

The Goddess must've heard me bitch about big wangs. 

I fell in love with my best friend and lo' and behold....


Here was my first lesson.  Get a guy naked before you fall in love with him.  That way, if it's gonna hurt you, YOU KNOW beforehand. 

Yeah.....I'm intimidated by the way my love is built. 

He's a nice guy.  I tend to perceive the size of a guy by how kind hearted he is.  Maybe it is an issue of perception.

Maybe this is why I always dated assholes prior to this. 

So...never bitch...never complain...the deities have a sense of humor.

Apparently, they don't want me to walk. 

I've always said that if I love a man, I won't care about how he's built. 

I'll stand by that.

A man who can stand my politics, who tolerates my hobbies, who can actually talk to me and engage me in hours of fun conversation is a hard find.  

I'm not gonna let a little thing such as having a boyfriend built like a nuclear missile destroy my relationship.

Wow....

I'll figure it out. 

First world problems......eh? 

This is not something I can solicit advice about.  My doctor, my therapist, my friends would probably laugh at me and tell me to suck it up, count my blessings, and deal with it.

It's like bitching that I have too much money. 

I'll figure it out. 

You can't have too much of a good thing. 

Can you? 

Sigh....

Maybe bathing in lube and taking huge doses of Advil will help.

 

*****

 

Oh, and I learned something else that cracks me up. 

 

Never, ever lend your vehicle to your ex an hour before you meet your love. 

 

This is my second lesson.

 

My ex wanted to use my van to pick up someone who would recognize my vehicle.  I have a bright blue mini-van.  It's hard to miss.  He has a black sport car, just like every other middle aged man in the neighborhood.

 

He wanted to make sure the person saw him and accepted a ride from him.

 

It made sense, so I let him use the car for twenty minutes. 

 

My ex farted in it!!! 

 

He farted in my mini-van!!!!

 

That was two days ago!!!

 

I still can't get the smell out!!! 

 

*****

 

Social networking is starting to creep me out a little bit. 

 

My ex is now having to like every single Facebook post after my love likes it. 

 

So, if I post something slightly sweet or erotic, my love will like it and stamp his name on it. 

 

Within minutes, my ex will do the same thing. 

 

So, I will see the post and [name of ex hubby], [name of love], [names of various friends] like this. 

 

I am about to throw up. 

 

I want to be transparent but it is getting to the point where I don't want to do anything online anymore.  Maybe I need to start hiding my posts from my ex.  

 

Jealous men crack me up!!!!

If I piss off my ex any more, I can expect more damage to my car, the house, and the retirement accounts.  I am almost to the point of hiring a lawyer.

My ex swears up and down that he's not a stalker.  I beg to differ. 

He's doing whatever he can to make his presence known.   

It's starting to really upset me.  I had a panic attack this morning after seeing his name up and down my Facebook page. 

I know it is petty.  I don't want to let petty behavior get my goat but it is annoying.  All my friends know who I love.  They know he loves me.  It's been a mini-soap opera for a little over two years now. 

When my love and I admitted to our relationship, thirty-three friends contacted me to tell me it was about flippin' time that I moved on and ended my denial.  That's a lot of people! 

My ex can't keep is nose out of it.  I am becoming a little bit scared.

If I unfriend my ex, I have no clue what he's capable of doing.  If I kick him out of the house, I don't know what he'll do.  I am getting to the point of terror when I visit with my friend. 

My ex will say it's okay but then he'll go on to raid my bank account, or break something in the house, or damage my car. 

This is my fault.  I put off the divorce to save my ex $5,000 in taxes.  That move cost me $10,000 in retirement funds.  I am debating whether or not I want to let the judge know about the financial abuse or just stay silent so I can get away. 

I am realizing that divorce does not mean the end of a relationship.  It takes two people to decide to get into a relationship.  Both people have to agree to get out.  If one is a compulsive liar, the other does not know where she stands. 

My ex knows I'm in love with another man.  He knows that we didn't have a real marriage.  He knows that I've been with my friend.  I'm not hiding anything.  I find his presence in my life stifling at best. 

The stalking.....my ex blames his sister for the stalking.  I haven't voluntarily seen or spoken to her since 1998.  The only contact I have with her is when she is following me or trying to break into my house.  I question how she knows which car to put the GPS box on, when I am at work, where I work, where I go to school, when I am home, when I am with a male friend, or where I am going. 

Only my ex knew these things.  He HAS to be in on the stalking, too. 

I know he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I am beginning to believe that the marriage is a huge ego boost to him.  Yesterday, I asked if he wanted me to stay married to him and continue to see my love on the side. 

He said "yes!!" 

Now, I can't do that.  Sex just isn't hot if you can't give yourself up to it completely.  Until my divorce is final, I can't give myself 100%.  It's like getting shushed during lovemaking.  If you can't let go and give in 100%, it's just not worth your time. 

I find myself counting down the remaining weeks.  I have five to go until the final hearing. 

I'm going to spend the morning praying about how to stop the madness.   

 

Life is getting interesting!!! 

I am beginning to get angry over the manipulations.  I really am. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

Understanding the Story

Today I am thankful that I finally understand the story. 

I know some of my gurus are going to knock me for needing to understand the story. 

I had to get more information before moving on. 

I didn't understand this until a couple of hours ago.

What happened was someone in the community called me.  He needed a lawyer because his child was caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. 

My daughter works in the legal field.  She deals with drug offenses.  I called her. 

She asked about the divorce.  She asked if her Dad was still at the house.  She asked if I was going to cook Thanksgiving dinner and whether or not her Dad would be there. 

Yes, he's still here.

Yes, I'll cook dinner.

Yes, he'll be here.

Yes, she can show up. 

At that moment, I felt guilty for wanting to move on with my life. 

My ex's boss mentioned wanting to see me at a Christmas party.  Uh...we are getting divorced.  I can't go.  My ex has told his coworkers that we are still a couple.

We are not. 

I am in love with another man.  I am ready to move on.  I can't put myself in a position of giving my ex false hope in the marriage.  

Of course, my ex milked this for all it was worth.  He wants me back.  He says that my being with another man is his karma for telling me we are getting divorced.   He'll forgive me.

The stalking will never happen again, he said.

He will honor my boundaries and not dig through my stuff, he said.

He will stop raging at me, he said. 

But....the manipulations...the irresponsibility...the lying....I can't handle those things. 

I can't handle the things that are brought into my life due to the manipulations, the irresponsibility, the lying, and the drama.

The fact his brother is having his bill collectors call here proves to me that this is a family affair.  I didn't train my ex to lie, be irresponsible with money, or create drama. 

His brother and sister do it, too. 

It has nothing to do with me. 

I can leave now. 

It's okay for me to go because the drama is stealing time away from me.  It is taking me away from the community.  I can't help the community if my time is being stolen away by crazy, stalking, irresponsible people. 

If the stalking is about my ex having a teenage obsession with me, I can go away now.  The universe will bring him another love who needs to learn a lesson, just like I did.

When I leave, the obsession will fade.  It's a good thing. 

It is high time to move on. 

*****

The universe brought me a man who mirrors me so completely, it is uncanny.  I don't know where to start with that one.  There is so much that we have in common.

The freaky thing is that our marriages became celibate about the same time. 

It's like we've spent eight years waiting for each other.

I realize that I made this particular soul mate wait for me because I was shamed into staying here.  I made a vow but was the only one keeping it.  I made that vow more important than my need to follow my bliss. 

This is my lesson. 

Follow your heart.  Listen to your gut.  Follow your intuition.

That is what I am doing. 

This man teaches me to communicate and to really listen.  He teaches me to get in touch with my spirituality and never deny my true feelings.  He reminds me to live, love, and honor other people.  He teaches me to chunk down big projects into manageable parts and to pay attention to details. 

I need him in my life, especially right now. 

*****

I've had a lot more energy today than I've had in two years. 

I'm no longer asking "why am I being stalked?"  and "how can I stay safe?"  The stalking began with an irrational teenager obsessing over poetry.  It's irrational. I'll never get a rational answer.  The safest thing I can do is move on and let him do the same. 

Now, the question has changed.  I'm asking "what in the world does the universe wants me to do now?"

I'm ready for the next lesson. 

Love ya,

S. 

Serenity May Be a Restraining Order

Today I am thankful for restraining orders and new phone numbers. 

I hate to say it. 

Years ago, my stalking in-laws would use me as credit references without asking.  It got to the point that my brother-in-law told his creditors that I was his WIFE!!! 

Guess whose creditors are calling me now asking for dough?

I can barely get my ex to pay his bills. 

I cannot afford his brother's debt. 

Okay....there is something that I want to say to William D. 

• If I haven't shaken your hand since 1996, I'm NOT a credit reference. 
• If the only words I speak to you are to ask you to leave me alone when you are following me around town, I am NOT a credit reference. 
• If your brother and I sat you down and told you to stop using us as credit references in 1995, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If I sent you a cease and desist letter in 2001 due to phone harassment, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If you received a second cease and desist letter in May 2013, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If your brother contacted you on Facebook in June 2013 and told you to stop calling my house due to a No Contact Order, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If you call my home and sit on the line breathing, despite being too dumb to know that I have caller ID and know who you are, I am NOT a credit reference. 
• And, if your brother calls the number you silent called me from and gets your wife to identify herself, you've been caught.  If your wife refuses to let you talk to your brother, I would assume he is NOT a credit reference either.  You'd have to ask him. 

I am going to ask my in-laws to leave me alone...NOW!! 

Don't call my phone number. 

Don't give it to third parties without my permission. 

They know my ex's phone number. 

If this happens again, I'm getting a restraining order against the lot of them. 

And, uh....I know you're reading what I write...you stalkish jerks.  I know this because you haven't left me alone yet. 

I can prove what you are doing because people claiming to be bankers are leaving messages on my answering machine. 

I've used this number for 12 years.  My ex uses a phone number one digit off from mine.

In the divorce, we decided I would keep this phone number. 

Don't pull that trick again. 

I decided to get new phone numbers. 

Love ya more when you're far away,

S. 

Candles in My Isolation

Today I am thankful for the light of candles. 

I realized somewhere around 4:00 a.m. that my ex is probably going to kill me. 

He said that he signed the separation agreement because he thought it was a big joke.  It's on file at the court house and he doesn't believe I'll go through with it. 

He won't honor it. 

He's been calling me his ex since April 2006.  Isn't it time to move on? 

He's depressed. 

He scares me when he's depressed. 

My ex was the treasurer for an issue committee that we helped create back in 2009.  He filed the paperwork when he usually does but tells me that the city council changed the due date.  He missed it and they levied a $150 fine payable immediately. I'm thinking that he purposely did not file with the city clerk knowing that the council would levy a fine.  This is the latest excuse not to honor our separation agreement for another month. 

Of course, the city clerk said the council would have to approve a payment plan.  They hate me.  I ran against the Mayor and publicly shared nasty emails that I received from half of the people sitting at the bench. The only reason they tolerate me is that I took down those emails when they ran for re-election.  With this, I'm seriously putting that Blogger account back up so everyone can read how petty these so-called leaders can be.

The City Attorney is the very reason I'm in danger in the first place.   My ex took a pay cut to work as a auditor for the city.   Little did he know, they practice age and ADA discrimination.  They routinely fire men over the age of forty and claim that they have anger issues.  I've interviewed quite a few men who have experienced this.  I had one visit the house to chat with me last Thursday about his experience.  He quit rather than pay the fine.  He didn't tell me how much his fine was but it was hefty.  The City Attorney and the HR Manager still do this!!!! 

With Mike, they claimed they fired him for abusing me -but- refused to investigate it.  The message was loud and clear.  He will not be punished for abusing me.  The cops will look the other way.  It got worse after that. 

I'm incredibly pissed that the cops won't investigate the stalking.  Maybe they've done some of it and hope Mike gets blamed; I did find cops hanging around in my garage and my back yard.  Conversely, Mike may have stalked me because I was running for office and thought that I would assume it was the city using GPS to keep track of me. 

I don't know.  I just know something scary is happening.  I don't trust either party.

Now other money has gone missing.  I'm not sure if it was hidden, lost, or part of a new game. 

It gets worse.  Things around the house are breaking.  I'm pretty flippin' sure it is a manipulation to stay here.  I'm almost ready to steal some of those quarters he started collecting a few years ago to do the laundry.  I haven't had a washer for two weeks. 

I wash his clothes so that the house does not stink.  It smells horribly. 

In the separation agreement, I gave him the newer car under the condition that he help me pay for the repairs on the mini-van.  That has not happened.  So, I'm stuck here. 

I've got maybe 1/8 of a tank of gas.  The van runs.....barely.  It stalls and is becoming hard to start.

I do borrow money to meet my needs.  I have access to a little bit of that.  It is embarassing to do that. 

If he'd just disperse the funds, I could open my own account and do my own stuff. 

My hope was that he would disperse what is in the IRA, so I can start my new life.  That was supposed to happen on November 1.  I'm not sure it will. 

I was hoping he'd move out before I found a job.  I don't want him knowing where or when I work.  I don't want him knowing my routines.  The stalking scares the holy shit out of me. 

I need money now.  I guess I'll have to go look for a retail job and pray I don't get shot by a member of his family. 

He claims that he cannot afford to move out until January 9th.  That is the date of the final hearing.  I fear that allowing him to stay here will reset the clock on the separation. 

We were supposed to have the final hearing in October but he asked that I push it out to save him money on taxes.  He asked for more time to move out and disperse the funds.  I did so thinking I was being diplomatic.  I was being foolish.  I may have dug my own grave. 

He wants to stay another nine years for the sake of the kids. 

I'm not sure I can live another nine years of my life on hold. 

I am spending a lot of time in tears.  I have to find a way to let my friend go.   I can't handle how my ex makes comments about my friend and I hanging out together and poking fun at our friendship.  My friend was really the only person who cared enough to check in when I'd go missing.  He saw my panic attacks.  He would give me time in solitude to think  but he'd stay with me so I wasn't alone.  We fell in love.  I don't think that was supposed to happen. 

The divorce should have been final September 17th -but- I started making concessions.  My friend dutifully waited until mid-October to express his intentions to define a relationship.  My ex was supposed to move out the third week of that month, so it seemed like it wasn't creepy to let the friendship change.  I would have my independence once I had control over some of the assets. 

It seemed like it would be easy.  It's not.  

I have tried to visit with my friend.  We were taking communication classes together.  My ex likes to harass me as I leave the house to see my friend.  It makes me uncomfortable and disturbs my peace.  I can't handle it, so I stopped visiting with my friend.  In fact, I stopped going anywhere.

How fun is it to be around someone who is frustrated?

He can easily find another woman, so I am trying to turn him loose.  He won't go. 

I'm trying to desensitize myself to the stalking and related mayhem but it is hard. 

I need my ex out of the house. 

My ex is spending a lot of time crying.  I feel bad.  I cannot talk to him without it taking hours upon hours.  I cannot get a game plan going.  I cannot learn what he wants or needs.  I don't know what will help.  I cannot get him to tell me anything that will help me fix the situation.  It is a circular conversation that goes nowhere.  I'm neglecting the kids because I literally spend five hours every evening trying to help my ex find the means to move out of the house.

I still have one vintage saxophone and one vintage bass guitar that I have not sold.  I'm going to try selling them for gas money, so I can work on leaving the house to gain my independence back. 

I am incredibly confused. 

I am toying with the idea of typing out a new separation agreement giving him everything.  Maybe then, I get to move out!  I may end up visiting with the Legal Aid lawyers tomorrow.  They will probably tell me to keep the agreement that I have and do what I can to ignore my ex's antics unless I can retain someone to file a complaint with the court.

Pissing off a crazy person in distress often has consequences that I'm not sure I can afford to face. 

Maybe I'll just let him win this round.  I'm sorry....crazy people tend to win shit they shouldn't just because they'll do anything to get what they want. 

I'll let you know what happens. 

Love,

S.