Today I am thankful for the light of candles.
I realized somewhere around 4:00 a.m. that my ex is probably going to kill me.
He said that he signed the separation agreement because he thought it was a big joke. It's on file at the court house and he doesn't believe I'll go through with it.
He won't honor it.
He's been calling me his ex since April 2006. Isn't it time to move on?
He's depressed.
He scares me when he's depressed.
My ex was the treasurer for an issue committee that we helped create back in 2009. He filed the paperwork when he usually does but tells me that the city council changed the due date. He missed it and they levied a $150 fine payable immediately. I'm thinking that he purposely did not file with the city clerk knowing that the council would levy a fine. This is the latest excuse not to honor our separation agreement for another month.
Of course, the city clerk said the council would have to approve a payment plan. They hate me. I ran against the Mayor and publicly shared nasty emails that I received from half of the people sitting at the bench. The only reason they tolerate me is that I took down those emails when they ran for re-election. With this, I'm seriously putting that Blogger account back up so everyone can read how petty these so-called leaders can be.
The City Attorney is the very reason I'm in danger in the first place. My ex took a pay cut to work as a auditor for the city. Little did he know, they practice age and ADA discrimination. They routinely fire men over the age of forty and claim that they have anger issues. I've interviewed quite a few men who have experienced this. I had one visit the house to chat with me last Thursday about his experience. He quit rather than pay the fine. He didn't tell me how much his fine was but it was hefty. The City Attorney and the HR Manager still do this!!!!
With Mike, they claimed they fired him for abusing me -but- refused to investigate it. The message was loud and clear. He will not be punished for abusing me. The cops will look the other way. It got worse after that.
I'm incredibly pissed that the cops won't investigate the stalking. Maybe they've done some of it and hope Mike gets blamed; I did find cops hanging around in my garage and my back yard. Conversely, Mike may have stalked me because I was running for office and thought that I would assume it was the city using GPS to keep track of me.
I don't know. I just know something scary is happening. I don't trust either party.
Now other money has gone missing. I'm not sure if it was hidden, lost, or part of a new game.
It gets worse. Things around the house are breaking. I'm pretty flippin' sure it is a manipulation to stay here. I'm almost ready to steal some of those quarters he started collecting a few years ago to do the laundry. I haven't had a washer for two weeks.
I wash his clothes so that the house does not stink. It smells horribly.
In the separation agreement, I gave him the newer car under the condition that he help me pay for the repairs on the mini-van. That has not happened. So, I'm stuck here.
I've got maybe 1/8 of a tank of gas. The van runs.....barely. It stalls and is becoming hard to start.
I do borrow money to meet my needs. I have access to a little bit of that. It is embarassing to do that.
If he'd just disperse the funds, I could open my own account and do my own stuff.
My hope was that he would disperse what is in the IRA, so I can start my new life. That was supposed to happen on November 1. I'm not sure it will.
I was hoping he'd move out before I found a job. I don't want him knowing where or when I work. I don't want him knowing my routines. The stalking scares the holy shit out of me.
I need money now. I guess I'll have to go look for a retail job and pray I don't get shot by a member of his family.
He claims that he cannot afford to move out until January 9th. That is the date of the final hearing. I fear that allowing him to stay here will reset the clock on the separation.
We were supposed to have the final hearing in October but he asked that I push it out to save him money on taxes. He asked for more time to move out and disperse the funds. I did so thinking I was being diplomatic. I was being foolish. I may have dug my own grave.
He wants to stay another nine years for the sake of the kids.
I'm not sure I can live another nine years of my life on hold.
I am spending a lot of time in tears. I have to find a way to let my friend go. I can't handle how my ex makes comments about my friend and I hanging out together and poking fun at our friendship. My friend was really the only person who cared enough to check in when I'd go missing. He saw my panic attacks. He would give me time in solitude to think but he'd stay with me so I wasn't alone. We fell in love. I don't think that was supposed to happen.
The divorce should have been final September 17th -but- I started making concessions. My friend dutifully waited until mid-October to express his intentions to define a relationship. My ex was supposed to move out the third week of that month, so it seemed like it wasn't creepy to let the friendship change. I would have my independence once I had control over some of the assets.
It seemed like it would be easy. It's not.
I have tried to visit with my friend. We were taking communication classes together. My ex likes to harass me as I leave the house to see my friend. It makes me uncomfortable and disturbs my peace. I can't handle it, so I stopped visiting with my friend. In fact, I stopped going anywhere.
How fun is it to be around someone who is frustrated?
He can easily find another woman, so I am trying to turn him loose. He won't go.
I'm trying to desensitize myself to the stalking and related mayhem but it is hard.
I need my ex out of the house.
My ex is spending a lot of time crying. I feel bad. I cannot talk to him without it taking hours upon hours. I cannot get a game plan going. I cannot learn what he wants or needs. I don't know what will help. I cannot get him to tell me anything that will help me fix the situation. It is a circular conversation that goes nowhere. I'm neglecting the kids because I literally spend five hours every evening trying to help my ex find the means to move out of the house.
I still have one vintage saxophone and one vintage bass guitar that I have not sold. I'm going to try selling them for gas money, so I can work on leaving the house to gain my independence back.
I am incredibly confused.
I am toying with the idea of typing out a new separation agreement giving him everything. Maybe then, I get to move out! I may end up visiting with the Legal Aid lawyers tomorrow. They will probably tell me to keep the agreement that I have and do what I can to ignore my ex's antics unless I can retain someone to file a complaint with the court.
Pissing off a crazy person in distress often has consequences that I'm not sure I can afford to face.
Maybe I'll just let him win this round. I'm sorry....crazy people tend to win shit they shouldn't just because they'll do anything to get what they want.
I'll let you know what happens.
Love,
S.