Choosing Celibacy

Today I am thankful that I can choose celibacy.

 



I'm trying very hard not to let anyone know that I am still violently ill.  It's probably the aspirin regimen I'm on. 

 

It could also be stress. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I went to the dentist yesterday for my six month check-up.  Apparently, I managed to chew down my back molars.  In six months, they have cracked and split.  I'm going to have to come up with $2,000.00 for crowns. 

 

That's not bad, really.  I mean, it could be worse, I could need four root canals. 

 

Stress, it is a killer! 

 

It ruins your teeth. 

 

I can't hold my food down.  I find myself drinking a ton of Ginger Ale soda.  I think I'm going to start gaining my weight back due to the corn syrup. 

 

This is weird.  I typically don't get so sick to my stomach. 

 

Stress.....don't let it get to you. 

 

It'll make you sick and ugly.

 

*****

 

I don't know. 

I really don't know. 

I managed to get my phone up and running (before it started going wacko again).  It likes to access files on its own.  I don't get my calls and messages right away. 

 

It's toasted. 

 

That's the last phone I buy on Ebay. 

 

I found messages Steve had sent me when I asked for space. 

 

Then I saw some he sent me via Facebook where he makes bizarre accusations about me going to art fairs rather than be with him. 

 

I didn't go. 

I was home sick.

 

I am debating if I should write about what he does that scares me.  I won't until enough water has gone over the bridge where I can write about it and educate women as far as what to watch out for when it comes to controlling men. 

 

He has done some things that bother me.  He doesn't yell.  He's never hit.  He's never lost his temper.  He's never called me a name. 

 

He just assumes that I do things I don't do.  He assumes that I feel in ways I do not feel. 

 

I cut him loose. 

 

I'm in severe pain.  It hurts me deeply.  I'm still crying.  Tomorrow, I will ask Isis to bring him his future love. 

 

I love him.

 

I can't be with him. 

 

I can't be with anybody.

 

*****

 

I am out of sorts today. 

 

 

My therapist suggested that I consider living with my ex for nine more years, until the youngest was out of the house. 

 

 

We're not having sex anyway, it's not like I'd miss having that need met.

 

 

I wouldn't risk further stalking because he'd be here and in control. 

 

That's not exactly fair to either one of us. 

 

Maybe it is for the best. 

 

She suggested that my ex was Facebook stalking Steve because he loved me. 

 

I think I've been violently ill since she said that. 

 

It's not an issue now. 

 

I've blocked Steve. 

 

I miss him. 

 

I wouldn't want him to know how sick I've become.  I don't want him to worry. 

 

This is best right now. 

 

*****

I have a "psychic" friend who channeled a message for me. 

 

"I love you.  I'm sorry.  I miss you."

 

She doesn't know where that came from. 

 

Maybe she assumes that is what some man in thinking.

 

*****

 

 

A few weeks ago, Steve asked me if Mike was my ex. 

 

 

Yeah....he's been calling me that since April 2006. 


Why? 

 

 

I was violently ill and my ex brought a puke bucket into my bedroom.  He told me that he hated seeing me hurt so much and that he'd be willing to move out if it eased my pain. 


My ex thinks I left Steve because he (my ex) wouldn't move out of the house. 

 

No....Steve hurt my feelings to the point where I don't know what to say to him.  If I say or do the wrong things, he beats himself up.  It makes me afraid to say or do anything. 

 

 

I had to ask....

 

I shouldn't have.....

 

 

but I did.

 

 

I asked Mike if he considered himself my ex. 

 

 

He said...."no."

 

 

There you have it. 

 

This is why I am confused. 

 

This is why I am sick to my stomach.

He wants to stay with me whether or not we are married.

 

I miss sex.  I miss being held at night. 

 

Either way, I'm doubtful I'll have either thing. 

 

Perhaps I should consider the therapist's suggestion. 

 

I'll pray about it. 

 

I'm very sick.   

 

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. 

 

I wish my ex would have been honest with me all those years. 

 

So much yelling, so much pain, so much stalking. 

I am in a lot of pain. 

 

*****

 

For a brief moment in time, I was happy. 

 

I was....

 

I love my best friend.  He loves me. 

 

That was beautiful. 

 

Still, there are things people in love usually do. 

 

For some reason, I can't. 

 

I think years of celibacy kills one's libido.  I can't get myself in gear enough to start a new relationship. 

Steve tried.  

I tried. 

 

I did self-hypnosis. I saw a shrink. I ate and drank a lot of aphrodisiacs. I even did a couple of spells and petitions to Aphrodite. 

 

I failed. 

 

I still couldn't grab my friend's hand and enjoy his company behind the bushes.

I don't know why. 

 

He assumed that I was staying away to do things behind his back without him (that wasn't true).  I was trying to psych myself up and find a creative way to move out of my current situation.

 

When my friend started to attack me, I made myself sick with worry. 

 

I am still not doing well. 

 

I can't break myself out of this vortex. 

 

It hurts. 

 

*****

 

Maybe this is what happens after 40. 

 

Maybe sex is a thing of the past for me. 

 

Maybe I need to devote my life to taking care of children and swearing off men. 

 

*****

This evening, I met a man who worked for the city in which I ran for mayor. 

 

We spent a half of an hour talking. 

The city attorneys are still up to their old tricks.  You know, former employees still talk.  They ought to treat their people with respect.

This man was handsome.  He was nice.  He doesn't agree with my politics but there is something there. 

 

I got his name. 

 

Do you know why?

 

I can never see him again. 

 

If there is a slightest attraction, I will avoid a man now.

 

I will avoid any event where his name is on the itinerary. 

 

Tomorrow, I will to go to a protest.   

 

He won't be there. 

 

*****

I hid my relationship status online. 

 

For three glorious weeks, no one asked me out. 

 

No one. 

 

I was free to Facebook, Google+, and Tumble as much as I wanted and no one bothered me. 

 

Today, a guy named Chris wrote to ask me out. 

 

Steve told me it bothered him that I ignored him the first four times he wrote to me online. 

 

I guess I'll find a nice way to tell Chris no. 

 

I had no idea it was so mean to ignore unsolicited appeals for dates.

 

I guess I learned something. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.