Today I am thankful for alone time.
I am actually considering re-embracing my celibacy.
I have spent the past eight years living in a state of exhaustion.
My ex has always been here.
With the stalking, he is always where I was.
It was and still is exhausting.
I never understood why I was so tired until my friend started posting about our personal life on Facebook.
My friend...who is no longer my boyfriend...helped me see the light.
Yeah, he claims I dumped him. The 'boyfriend' label made him act uncharacteristically. He tried to do too much for me. It's not right.
It changed him.
He didn't like doing what he termed "boyfriend shit."
I don't like it.
Maybe....someday....If he stops being bizarre, I'll give him the "Best-ie" label.
He had it.
He had more perks from me before he became my "boyfriend." I'm surprised he doesn't want to go back to the "best friend" label.
Maybe........I'll give it back.
My best friend can get the same perks as a boyfriend -but- he doesn't have to run around acting like a boyfriend.
To get it back, he's gotta stop crying about our relationship on Facebook. When he whines about our relationship, I feel shamed into behaving out of character.
It seems to be controlling, whether or not it is intended to be.
I'm going to have to take this slower.
If I don't answer the phone, there may be a good reason (e.g. I forgot to update my pre-paid phone account and calls weren't getting through - oops).
The distrust....is hurtful!
*****
I also shared something my friend Andrew posted about spending time with people we love rather than b!tching at them. Well....my friend threatened to block me over that post.
When a man threatens to block you over an innocent post, he teaches you that you are disposable.
Why would I have unprotected sex and make an exclusivity pact with a guy who is routinely threatening to throw me away?
He just set himself back in my eyes. I'm not sure I can fix this. I'm in pain.
I am thinking that it is probably better for me to be alone at this point.
I hope my friend has a hottie on the side!
*****
How do I know my ex-hubby is the stalker?
He's stalking my friend.
My ex hubby will literally call me on the phone, letting it ring into oblivion, to tell me what my friend posts on his wall.
The phone will ring 10 times. I'll ignore it. My ex will hang up and call back and let it ring ten times. After about four rounds of this, I'll finally pick up the phone.
It's hurts.....the game....it hurts.
I'm disturbed.
I'm angry.
Hearing my ex badmouth my friend makes me cry. I know my ex is hoping to spare me pain but it causes more pain than it prevents. At lease I want to believe he is trying to spare me pain.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
All I know is that it makes me distrust my ability to choose my lovers.
It makes me want to be alone.
*****
When my friend claimed he was a bad boyfriend and wasn't good at "boyfriend shit" on his Facebook wall, I relieved him of the title.
I also tried to make him feel better about himself, saying that I want a bad boyfriend who was bad in all the good ways. I posted a song from the punk band Garbage called "Bad Boyfriend."
My ex-hubby had to call me to say that my friend went to Facebook claiming that I called him garbage.
It made me sob.
My head hurts.
My eyes are swollen.
My face has little red streaks from my salty tears.
I look like a flippin' sad clown now.
Thanks...guys!!
I ate so much chocolate due to my despair, I think I gained 10 pounds.
So, in reality, I look like a scary, sad, obese clown with a red afro.
Thanks....guys!!!
NO more men.
NO more chocolate.
NO more excess poundage.
If things were okay, I'd have a work out partner.
NO work out partner is worth this DRAMA!!!
This boyfriend shit is stressful.
Steve and Mike are making my high school best friend look like an angel. All Thomas did was tell people that I was a lesbian. He also claimed to be gay while wearing a kilt.
When people asked if we "did it"...
Tom would say "she's a lesbian, I am gay, and we are covering for each other."
The worst he did was make a few people think we were gay and show off his legs. He never went to the World Wide Web with our shit (yes, I knew him until we were stalked together in 2011). He never stalked me (well, he did hunt me down when the gossip hounds said I was in trouble but he disappeared when he realized that wasn't true).
This is worse than high school.
This is flippin' insane!!!
The boyfriend shit had to stop, in part, because it is getting my friend stalked!!!
No male friend of mine is safe. Tom wasn't. Steve isn't.
I really feel the need to hide from the world.
Worse, my ex-hubby seems to know things my friend and I have shared via Facebook in private messages.
I am nearly to the point of closing out my Facebook account.
I'm not sure it's stalking.
I think it is more obsession.
I am wondering if I am safer letting my ex-hubby live in the basement and forgoing any future male companionship.
The stalking is giving me panic attacks.
This is stupid.
I need to take control.
*****
I am learning something from watching men try to stake a claim in their perceived territory.
It's stealing my energy.
*****
My friend....uses our experiences to sort out his feelings.
He usually does it on Facebook. He sends long, beautiful messages, trying to figure out where he begins and I end (or vice versa). This helps him sort out what he wants.
It's a good thing.
The fact that someone else may be reading them is yucky.
Another problem is that it makes me feel tired.
It's not too terrible because he does most of the intellectual work. I just listen and respond.
It does seem somewhat familiar.
The insecurity...it feels painfully familiar.....
Where have I felt this before?
*****
My ex expected me to take responsibility for his feelings.
It took up so much of my time and energy.
I stopped painting.
I stopped playing bass.
I stopped writing.
I stopped composing music.
I lost myself.
It wasn't just him....it was his family, too.
His mother blamed me because she lost sleep because I was "having sex" with her son (who I married). That probably explains the celibacy.
His cousin bitched at me because I didn't buy her an expensive house (yeah....NPD runs in this family).
His sister blamed me because her brother (whom I married) moved in with me.
I get the picture.
There is way too much enmeshment in my life by crazy people who believe that I am responsible for their lives.
I look forward to being rid of them.
*****
So today....
I decided that these men are responsible for their own feelings.
It's not my job to make them feel like men.
I don't ask them to make me feel like a woman.
If we can grow close and do things we mutually enjoy, we'll both feel better.
That is going to take some time.
My ex-hubby has got to stop triangulating with his family if he wants to remain a "friend".
My friend has got to stop triangulating with his Facebook friends if he wants a shot with me.
It'll work out should that happen.
If not....
Well.....I'll continue to get lots and lots of beauty sleep.
*****
I find myself slowly regaining my energy.
What do I want to do with my new found time?
I don't know.
I'll sort it out and let you know.
Love ya,
S.