My Biggest Life Challenge

Today I am thankful for the realization that bullies have always been my biggest life challenge.

It's not the bullies that are the exact challenge - it is keeping my presence of mind in the face of bullying.

I was a child when I swore off magick.

Do you remember that story about the Monkey's Paw?

That did it for me.  I come from a long line of  relatives who engaged in sorcery and superstition.

I wanted no part of it.

Then the universe had to put my feet to the fire.

My Step-father was kind of a bully.  He was also fairly stupid.  He drank and he liked to play with guns.

Fortunately, when he was lucid, he taught me about gun safety.  This helped on those occasions when I had to walk the weapon to the authorities.

Man, his pistol was a pretty little thing.  It was a silver Smith and Wesson six shooter with a pearlescent handle.

It was beautiful.  I loved the smell of the gun grease.

The last time I saw it was 1980 when I walked it to the fire department after my step-dad brandished it at me.  My uncle was the fire chief and I think he took it "for safe keeping."

It was loaded but, hey....it was safer in my hands than in the hands of a drunk.

When one is stupid and likes to drink, one tends to take himself out of the equation.  He did this by playing Russian Roulette in 1986.  Unfortunately, it was three and a half years after he beat my mother to death.

I didn't curse him.  I could.  I didn't.

In 1987, I was raped by a friend of my sister (and the rapist was also a neighbor of the uncle noted above).  I was truly tempted to curse the holy shit out of him.

In speaking to a street pastor, I didn't harm him.  He said God would take care of sinners.

I saw this ass again at a friend's gig in 2004.  He still had the same eyes but he was older, wrinkled and walked with a horrible limp.  He tried to hit on an older lady and she pushed him away.

I guess the universe took care of him.

****
I gave in when the stalking scared me.  It had gone on for years.  There was a day when a little old lady was threatened.  I still held back.

I held back until my kids were threatened.  Someone broke in the house, nothing was taken.  The events were happening a couple of times a week.  The frequency scared me.

The cops refused to take any report.  They claimed my ex was behind it (turns out he was).  They also stated I could get a restraining order: One can't get a permanent restraining order without a police report.  In the context of a looming divorce, a temporary restraining order looks like a game.

So....one day, eighteen months after our divorce was final, I lit a black candle asking that the stalker be forced to stop.

My father-in-law died the next day of cancer.  His death was unexpected.

I thought it was coincidence.  He was in his seventies.  He wasn't very healthy.  His favorite foods were beer and cigarettes.

The stalking slowed down for a couple of months before starting up again with a vengeance.  I noticed an older woman who resembled my middle daughter following me around town.  She'd point her laptop at me.  She'd point her phone at me.

I literally caught her breaking into the house.

I lit another black candle.

This woman turned out to be my sister-in-law Shannon.  She died of cancer within three days.

Now, I started to think it was less of a coincidence and more of a cautionary tale.

I swore off magick again.

Things didn't get any better.  In fact the stalking got worse.

Things were hacked.  People would drive to my property and block the garage.  They'd block my car in the street.  Strangers would run up to me in front of the house demanding information about my relationship with my ex-husband. There was a fire set on my porch. Hoses were cut.

It was strange.

Two years after our divorce was final, I noticed that all the scary stuff happened when my ex was out of town.  After a while, I realized it was him.

His refusing to fully move out of my house was a clue, too.  He'd act very weird when I'd ask him to pack up.  He'd tell me that he gave his sister a key to my house.  He'd tell me he asked his cousin to find my high school boyfriend and returns the things he had given me in my youth.

He'd hit the wall.

He'd make choking motions at me.

He'd block my path.

He'd sit on the floor and pound his fists into the carpet like a toddler.

I became terrified of him.

I lit another candle and prayed that the stalking would stop in a way that didn't kill anyone. 

This one creeped me out.

I put the spent wax in a brown paper bag and set it on the dash of my car so that I could drive it far away and dispose of it.  I forgot about it for a couple of hours.

When I went outside to drive the wax to a trash can far away, I noticed that it melted onto the rug of my car.  The wax resembled a face.

It resembled the face of my ex.

That started a whole other slew of crap.  I started to interview lawyers.  Other people intercepted the calls pretending to be me.  I will never forget that lawyer saying that she'd already talked to me.  It wasn't me.  I still can't figure out how he managed that little party trick.

He knew things about people who surrounded me that I wasn't comfortable with so  I just hid from people.  I stopped doing work I loved.  I took a job in a call center (because he promised he'd move out when I got a real job).

Of course it would take at least two more years, several eviction notices and a contempt citation for him to move out of my house.

I don't know what to think.  I realize I will never truly know what when on.  I do believe, deep down, that he was telling his families stories about me that led to the harassment.

He betrayed me over and over.  It put me in danger.  I should have divorced him when the physical abuse on the part of his family started just ninety days into our marriage.

Sigh......

I've sworn off magick.  It is far easier to learn to protect oneself in the mundane world that it is to play superstitious games and hope for the best.

My step father, my rapist and my ex-husband are bullies.

I hate bullies.

Bullies are a fact of life.

*****

My gun toting neighbor is a bully.  He's the guy that would pull his gun out and wave it at people parking in front of my house.

I let these people park in front of my house with the belief that they'd scare Mike's family away.

These guys were bikers.  They told me, one day, that they chased a morbidly obese Hispanic man from my yard.

I think it was Doug (my sister-in-law's boyfriend).  He harassed me for several months after Shannon's death.

My gun-toting neighbor had the bikers evicted because they had too many cars.

He won't show ME his gun.  I have chewed him a new arse because he is the reason people like me have to fight for the second amendment.  He claims to have a permit.  That doesn't give him the right to threaten people on my property.

He's a short, balding guy who had to stand on a log just to be eye to eye with me.  He's probably got an inferiority complex due to his height.

I called our PAR officer when another neighbor told me he was threatened with a gun and too afraid of my gun-toting neighbor to call the cops.  Of course, the local cops don't care.

They didn't care about the stalking.  Why would I think they cared to know what was going on in the neighborhood?

There really is no point to having a PAR officer is there if he doesn't listen.

Yeah....they'll only care if I fight their next tax hike.

It turns out that my neighbor had an unregistered side business and invited his clients to park in front of my house.  He also parks on his rock lawn (which borders my property).  If people park in front of my house, we are blocking the exit from his rock lawn.

A 100% rock lawn is against city code and parking on rocks is also against city code....but whatever.

Libertarians don't rat out their neighbors.

Someone must be calling on him because other people in the neighborhood tell me his pissed off at me because he's been cited for his bad behavior.

He thinks I'm the culprit.

He likes to strew trash and tires around the front yard.  It's just a cry for attention.

I'm not going to give it to him.

The caller wasn't me. I don't want to waste tax dollars by creating the need for the city to hire another code enforcement officer.

A couple of months ago he threatened our exterminator.

He literally threatened to shoot our exterminator.  So...I ended the contract with my exterminator and told his company that his life wasn't worth it.

Which, of course, means that I have to take care of the wasp nests that border the property line.

The gun-toting lunatic has young children.  I don't want them stung.

Shame.....if only the professional could do his job, they'd be okay.

Whatever.......

The problem is that this guy goes off like a threatening firework whenever we are in our yard.

Sigh....

The other day, my teenagers were doing yard work.

They were mowing and weed whacking.

The gun toting lunatic was screaming at them.

They couldn't hear a word.  They could see him glaring at them.  They should see his expressions.  He appeared to be shouting.

I wasn't home.

My concern is that he was threatening to shoot them like he'd done to so many adults around my home.

So....I'm going to have to go outside right now and finish the job.

I'm tempted.......

I'm tempted to hot foot him.

I'm actually tempted to do far worse......but I'm trying to talk myself out of it.

Even if there is nothing to magick, the show itself could freak someone like that out.

Maybe I just need to hang pentagrams in my trees.

******

That is why I say that bullies are my biggest life challenge.  They bring out the worst in me; be they corrupt bureaucrats, freaky in-laws, abusive exes or even mentally ill neighbors.

I could go so much further.

There are so many ways to get an asshat to move.

There are so many ways to get a person who threatens others with a gun arrested (all I need to do is move the security cameras).  Idiots get away with threatening people because most people are afraid to piss them off so they don't go to the authorities.

I don't trust the police.  I rely on a higher authority.

I think that the higher authority is bringing bullies on my path to test my principles.  I mean.....what am I willing to do to stay safe in the face of annoying jerks?

The trick is to figure out how to get this guy to chill out without going too far.  I'm above their pettiness, right?

I should be.

Well....I'm off use go spray RoundUP around the perimeter.  I hate the stuff but it's quieter than the weed whacker.  If the gun toting idiot doesn't hear me, maybe he won't brandish his gun at me.

If you see that I'm using crossbow arrows to brace my windows shut at night.....um....it didn't go very well.  If I have crossbow arrows to spare, it means I went to Cabela's to prepare for the worst.

Wish me luck!

Love ya,

S.

Why Liberals Use Kids to Push An Agenda!

Today I am thankful for a spark of insight that I received from reading a local news story. 

We have a paper here in town that...

well....

let's just say....

the entire publication brown noses the local government.

I always figured that they had to

push every tax hike.....

rally behind every measure introduced....

and love those in power.....

because those are the only people who actually advertise in the darn paper.

Most of the ads are from the local government.  During election season, most of the ads are from candidates.

I even tried to advertise in the paper but found they were too expensive for the small amount of exposure I would get.

There is a better free paper in the area.

*****
I try to take the liberal bull in stride.  It's business.

I understand....you don't want to alienate someone helping to pay the bills.

*****

Today, I read a story by one of the most creative reporters.

He likes to wear a mask....

I think of that as his shadow side.

His shadow side is actually fairly funny.

So....

I respect him even though I agree with about 5% of what he says.

That's okay.

At least he has the strength to share an opinion.

I figured he had to have opinions that appeal to those in power because....well....they seem to buy most of the advertising.

Today his story was anti-NRA.

He is spouting off the same rhetoric as David Hogg.

Hogg is a kid.  He has time to grow up.

This guy....

well....

he should have enough life experience to know better by now.

*****

I always thought that kiddos tended to be liberal because of the progressive propaganda in public schools and colleges.

I was once more fiscally liberal.

I've always been socially liberal.

Younger people tend to trust the adults around them.  They trust teachers.  They trust the government.

They haven't been messed around by the government.....yet.

I think I started to distrust the government when my sister was forcibly raped in foster care and it took several angry phone calls and letters to the Governor to get her removed from her abuser.  The foster mom thought that she'd get more money if she had pregnant foster girls in her home.  She forced the boys to have sex with the girls.

I was seventeen.

My sister was just fourteen years old.

I had an early lesson in the evils of government.

The hits just kept a' coming.

I could write numerous paragraphs on getting beat up by the Denver cops because I didn't have drugs - hint: if a young girl is carrying the Book of Mormon, she's probably clean.

I was seventeen and this was before I got the letter and proof from my sister about her experience in foster care.

Or having the Denver Department of Social Services award custody of my sister to a pimp.  On that story, though, there was one hero cop who actually listened to me and helped her get clean.  It took nearly twenty years but someone eventually listened.

There were several other cops who the pimp used to try to get me arrested.  That was funny.  My sister would call me claiming he kidnapped her.  I'd call the police.  The Denver police would say I was making a false report.  One day, an officer threatened to arrest me.  He called for back-up and one of the arriving officers met me briefly a few months earlier.  He needed to use a phone to make a personal call.  I let him use mine.  I guess good deeds can pay off.

I could talk about the illegal fines from the local government.

Perhaps I should bore you of the times the local police department violated my fourth amendment rights because I irritated an assistant city attorney.  It's not their fault.  The fault lies with the idiot who gave the order.  They entered my home on two occasions under false pretenses.  Who says my town isn't corrupt?  Yeah.....if they became politically active, they'd see how much the corruption reveals itself.

Or my latest adventure of having Colorado state lawyers sue me to get my ex excused from child support because he claims to be in an alcoholic rehabilitation program (even though he swears up and down that he didn't drink).  That's the perfect lie to get out of child support, isn't it?  If one claims not to drink, they're obviously in denial and it is just further proof that they're sick.  If I say he didn't drink, then I'm said to share in his delusion.

Oh man....those lawyers are smart cookies.  I pray (in my own special way) that CO-PEP is defunded. Colorado allows judges to impute income to people who voluntarily impoverish themselves.  Apparently, CO-PEP doesn't believe that.  My ex claims CO-PEP has more authority than the judge.

Whatever......if he wants to ruin his career and reputation to spite me, I can't stop him.  It's less work to have three jobs than it is to try to get the truth out of a diagnosed covert narcissist.

Seriously......

I've had many issues of being messed up by rogue bureaucrats.  That is probably why I love fighting tax hikes. 

I am no one.

If government officials have enough money to mess with someone like me, they have too much money.

That money needs to go back into the hands of the people.

*****
It dawned on me that younger people, for the most part, haven't had the experience of learning distrust at the hands of the government.

Their souls are brand spanking new.

They probably haven't had a cop break into their home......

or a local tax auditor lie to get her hands on their money.....

or had to clean up the blood dripping down their baby sister's leg from an assault while in foster care.

They probably haven't had a lying cop ticket them.....

or been thrown to the ground by a cop rolling them for weed (p.s.  this Mormon girl was very allergic to all things cannabis and hemp....they weren't going to get lucky with me).

Nor did they see their gay friend being beat up by a cop.  This happened in 1987.  I will carry that anger with me until the day I die.

Life is unfair.

Little foster girl Siegfried knew that.

Most kids don't.

They trust the government too much.

They don't understand that the government is made up of fallible people. 

Some government officials and civil servants mean well....

Others fill their pockets any which way they can (which will probably be my next blog post if I can find the time).

And so.....

being a believer in poetic justice, I wish this reporter (only if he's not playing a role) to run into the most cowardly and despicable public servant and be slightly annoyed by him or her.

I don't want him facing an asinine fine like I did.

I don't want him to deal with scary guns pointed at him in the middle of the night by freaks with badges like my kids did.

I certainly don't want anyone to break into his home (government official or not).

I just want him to see that the government is not exactly or entirely trustworthy.

I wouldn't trust them to be the only entity allowed firearms legally.

If we do that, we are asking for trouble.

******

I'm exhausted.

I may not be making sense.

As horrible as my life may sound, I've heard stories far worse than my own.

My drama faded away when I kicked a narcissistic jerk to the curb.

Still......

the lessons are there.

Not every public servant is an honest one.

Most are.

I have had the most bizarre luck to run into some of the nastiest ones.

Such is the life of a witchy bitch.

Maybe I just see what I see because my step-father was Cherokee.

I mean....since I was five years old, I understood why one doesn't take a blanket from a government official.

It can only lead to a trail of tears.

Don't even get me started on the gun confiscation that doomed Native Americans.

*****

Kids do not know any better than to push to eradicate rights they've never had the pleasure of experiencing.

They've not had enough life experience to see the various shades of gray that comprise our government.

That is why political parties use children to push agendas.

Kids are naïve.

*****
That said...

both major political parties stink.

To me, they don't really make a lot of sense.

If Republicans embrace freedom, why not allow people to be free in their own bedrooms?  If it's consensual, it's not a big deal.

If Democrats embrace the poor, why do they put into place so many taxes and rules that keep people poor?

*****

Yeah.....I've just discovered something politically disturbing about my own profession.  If I share it, it'll probably kill what is left of my career.

I've turned down media interview requests because they want me to go public about what I know.

I can't be the only one to see what is going on.  I'll probably post about it soon in the hopes someone else will verify the information and run with it.

I'm too busy to play politics right now.

The government forced me to be one of those single moms working multiple jobs because their ex doesn't pay child support.  Thanks Colorado taxpayers!!!  You didn't know that you paid for that, did ya?  With any luck, you won't be paying for the state to coddle deadbeat dads much longer.

I'm toying with the idea of telling my story to the head of the pro-life group out here.  I mean....women have abortions out of fear.  Some of that fear is financial.  If the government is suing women so that they drop child support because of loop holes, that could lead some women to....well.....make a decision they may not otherwise make.

Studies show that abortions decline with child support enforcement: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22532964.

I wouldn't be so frustrated but I'm on the hook for school fees and to pay for those things that the Democrats keep passing.  It would be nice if their dad would help just a bit.  He doesn't think he has to help because the State of Colorado says he doesn't need to help.  Good goin'.

Remember.......

The government is not reasonable.

It uses force to bully people into living their lives the way beaurocrats want them to live.

Good ideas don't require force.

Love ya,

S.

I'm Fat. I Sing. Why isn't the stalking over?

Today I am thankful that I have a place to document the weirdness.

Well....

Someone was in my house on Wednesday afternoon.  My eldest daughter heard footsteps.  She barricaded herself into her bedroom with the cat and waited a few hours for the footsteps to stop

She went downstairs and didn't see anything.

Nothing was taken.

A couple of boxes of football cards are gone -but- I did let a neighbor take things out of my garage.  Perhaps I didn't notice that he wanted the sports cards.

This has gone on for years.  I thought changing the locks and garage door codes would solve the problem.

I don't know what to do.

We don't call the police any more.  In the past, the police would tell me that my ex just wanted to mess with my head and that if I divorced him it would stop.

I divorced him.

It was written into the separation agreement that he could have access to the house to see the kids after school when I worked.  That idiocy was the brainchild of the mediator.

If I allowed him this access, it would enable him to claim 50% parenting time.  Yeah.....parenting time, it's a trick abusive men use to lower child support.  They don't use the parenting time nor do they pay child support.

It's a sick, sick world.

That was the line that allowed him to stay in my house for over three years after our divorce.  He had a right to be here.  The divorce agreement stated such.

He just abused that right by refusing to leave.

The cops couldn't do anything about it.

The judge finally got wise to it and stated that Michael is not allowed in my home without my consent.

So....

I can never allow him entry in my home.  If I do that, I fear he'd never leave without another $10,000 journey through the legal system.

I chalked the footsteps one up to her imagination.....

until....

someone hacked my blog the next day.

*****

I have dummy unpublished posts.

If you think the stuff I post is insane, you should see the crap I don't post.

Someone saw it.

Someone published some of them.

I look at the stats knowing that....well.....right before the stalking would go crazy, I'd get a lot of hits on the blog.  I'd see what the people looking at my blogs searched and the time of day they searched.

It's fairly revealing.

I noticed that if I posted regularly, I'd get maybe 7 or 8 hits a day.

When these things go on, they'd engage in low level harassment like leaving bloody underwear or obnoxious articles on my door step.

If I don't post regularly, I'll get maybe 300 or more hits on the latest post.

I'd be prompted to post after there was stalking event, like a break-in or a major hack attempt.

I post it because I know that if I turn up dead, the first thing the cops are going to do is grab my computers (that is plural, I have this blog linked to five computers across the city - one at the recording studio, one at the office, one that goes with me everywhere I go, two at home). 

When they find a computer, they'll have a trail of documentation, so to speak.

My theory is that my stalkerish ex and his family need gossip.  They'll leave me alone, for the most part, if I supply it.

If I don't, they'll hack my email or my websites to get it.

Back in the day, my ex knew my passwords. He gave them to his family.  That's how they'd get information on me.

He would tell me that his family sits around and gossips when they get together.  This leads to scheming.  It is the scheming that leads to the harassment.

They usually needed it for holiday discussion.  Typically the hacking and stalking take place near holidays (his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, his Mother's birthday, Valentine's Day and Mother's day).

Sometimes the harassment took place after the death of a relative.

Today is Mother's day....so....

That's just a theory.

I'm pretty sure my ex's family harass me because he lies to them.  My ex has recently shown me how good he is at playing the victim.  He's got the family support services caseworker convinced that he's a destitute alcoholic.  That's why the State of Colorado hired three lawyers to gut his child support.

Yo taxpayers, you paid for that!

Geesh!

He tells me that he doesn't drink.

I don't know.  If he's a drunk, he can't come near my home.  I won't pay for his auto insurance or give him another car.  I won't give him any more of my money or time. I don't want to enable his addictions.

See?  I don't think he planned on that little lie costing him my help.  He only thought it would gut his child support.

He lost any help and support he previously got from me or my family.

Sigh.....

When the last incident happened, I hadn't posted in about a week....so maybe....they need gossip.

I'll find something.

*****

Ah, here you go...

It's Sunday.  Sunday is the day of Apollo.  Asclepius is the son of Apollo and the God of Healing.  It is said that Asclepius can bring the dead back to life.

According to Pagan mythology,  as a mortal, Asclepius defied death so much that the other Gods had him killed so they could restore balance between life and death for humanity.  His father ensured that he became a God and could spend eternity on  Mount Olympus.

His color is yellow.  He likes sun incense.

I went to the Catholic store and bought yellow candle holders and inserts.  I have some frankincense and myrrh.  I'm mixing sun incense.

I'll gather some flowers from my garden and pray for someone in hospice**.

Sunday is the best day to pray for a job.

I need a job....but....it would seem this person has a greater need than I.

*******

Perhaps I'll post about the weirdness of working as a temp in a union job another day.

Yeah.....I've been cornered by a union rep.  She said that they needed to hire me full time or my favorite company will be in violation of their contract with the union and face fines.

I fully expect to be fired the moment the union representative goes to management.

So, I'll probably be jobless the next time I write.

This company is trying to help people on Medicaid get health care.  They are losing money.  For this reason, they cannot afford to hire me (or anyone else) full time.

I understand it.

I wish other people understood.

Sigh.....

Companies that succeed tend to be flexible.

I have no business getting sucked into that argument.

I'll start praying for a job next week.

******

You know.....if my ex's family are gonna break into my house again.....I could just go after that money....how much is it now? $67,000 or so that I hold in judgments against my ex.

You know....I could just sell the debt for pennies on the dollar to a collection agency with teeth.  I'll get, maybe, $6,000.  I'll let them go after my ex for the rest.

The collection agencies won't have any reason to back down.  My ex can't bankrupt on these judgments because they are connected to his violation of the divorce agreement.  It would be a fairly safe bet for an investor.

Or I can just.....you know....let him be.

I'll follow their lead.

There is an old saying - out of sight, out of mind.

Stay out of sight.

Love ya,

S.

Oh crap - our adopted cat was near the back door crying.

We took her outside and she found a fresh dismembered squirrel in the back yard.

Our fence is secure.  It's not like a dog hopped over our 8' fence or dug a hole under the fence to attacked the squirrel.

It wasn't there the other day.

I'll call animal control to see if there are reports of raccoons, coyotes or loose dogs in the neighborhood.

Damn it......

There had better be a coyote or raccoon here.


Edit:  ** he passed away before I found the perfect flowers for his altar.

Sigh.....

No wonder it is a gloomy day.

Love ya,

S.