When His Lies Become The Truth

Today I am thankful that I noticed how my ex's lies become the truth. 

I'm not happy about it. 

Frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. 

It doesn't matter what the reality is.....it is what a dysfunctional person thinks it is. 

Maybe understanding how that happens can help me create the reality that I want. 

*****

I miss my love. 

I was having withdrawals, so I invited myself out to lunch with him. 

At noon, I met him at a coffee shop across the street from my office. 

He bought me hibiscus tea, with little flowers and fruit bits in it. 

It was yummy -but- truth be told, I was there for the company. 

As we sat at a table chatting, a woman was standing at the door. 

This woman looked just like my ex's sister.  Her name is Shannon. 

Shannon was 589 pounds, according to news reports.  She lost 300 of it over the past three years. 

That makes her nearly 300 pounds. She is tall (6') has straight blond hair, blue eyes, bad teeth, nice skin, and walks like a man.  I mean, she literally walks like a man.  She takes big steps.  She sits with her legs spread apart.  She has the mannerisms of a guy. 

This woman entered the coffee shop sat behind my love, directly facing me.  I didn't really think too much about it.*  

Yes....at first, I was a little shaken but I wasn't sure that it was her.  I only see her once in a blue moon when I catch her following me, harassing people I know, or trying to break into my house.  I only hear her voice when she calls her to gloat (e.g. the day the GPS box was removed from my car).   I haven't willingly spoken to Shannon since 1998!! 

Her weight fluctuates so much that I never recognize her.  I usually find out later that she was the one bugging me.  She brags about it!!  That is how I know she is the stalker.  She will brag to everyone about it. 

Yesterday, at the coffee shop, I noticed this woman staring.  I kept focusing on my love. 

I touched my love's arm and told him that I missed him.  As I looked up to meet his eyes, I noticed this woman's fierce gaze. 

I shifted my chair. 

My love turned around, looked at her and asked me if I was okay. 

I lied and said that I was okay. 

Then I told him about the stalking. 

I told him about Shannon, her brother, her fiance, her uncle and all of my ex's relatives that follow me.  I told him that they tend to have certain days that they harass me.  I told him that I wished they'd just tell me what the hell they wanted.  I told him that I am oblivious to it unless someone else points it out or the stalkers engaged me.

The woman at the coffee shop did not engage me.   

She just stared.

She didn't follow my love or I when we left. 

I don't know if that was Shannon at all.  Without hearing her voice, I cannot be sure. 

I'll know if she brags about it and calls my ex to tell him that I'm "cheating" on him.  Shannon likes to exaggerate stories, so it'll probably be something about me sitting on top of my friend naked cumming in front of God and everybody. 

I need to start taping the stories, maybe I could write a best selling novel!! 

On the bright side, my love was with me. 

I felt safe. 

I guess I was.

*****

 

My neighbor confronted me because I have yet to kick my ex to the curb. 

 

I told him that I agreed to let him stay until the final hearing.  I told him that he had requested that the final hearing be made after the first of the year to save him money on taxes.  Then he raided $10,000 from my IRA to support the family why he is here. It would have been cheaper for me to send him packing!  I was given the IRA in exchange for waiving alimony.  That was dumb.  Because he's damned determined to spend it before he leaves. 

If I have no money to fall back on, he's never going to leave....is he? 

I see the game. 

It is infuriating!!! 

 

My neighbor told me that I was being played.  My ex won't leave. 

 

I'm beginning to believe he is right. 

This is how a false reality becomes real.  My ex tells everyone that we are still married.  He won't admit to the divorce.  He won't leave.  The reality appears to be that we are happily married. 

The question becomes, how do I change reality so that I get what I want? 

 

*****

 

The cops and the therapists say that my ex is having his family stalk me.

 

I don't know.  I've never caught him actively planning stalking.  He'll admit to planning stalking events with his sister but then tell me that he was joking.  I don't know.  I don't know what the reality is. 

 

My ex knew that I was going to visit my friend at lunch.  He wanted to spend yesterday with the kids, so I told him that I wouldn't be around that afternoon. 

 

He knew where I would be and with whom. 

 

Imagine the odds that a woman looking like his morbidly obese sister would show up and sit parallel to me while staring at me. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I really don't. 

 

All I know is that I'm not hiding anything. 

 

I do know that I fear my ex will never leave the house without being evicted. 

 

I do fear that I will lose my love over it. 

 

*****

Things around the house keep breaking. 

 

I think this is happening so my ex has a reason to stay. 

 

He knows I have a boyfriend. 

 

I don't hide anything. 

 

I'm quite open about it. 

 

I don't talk about what we do...but it is obvious that I'm in love with my best friend. 

 

I don't lie. 

 

This is becoming a Facebook pissing match. 

 

I don't know how to explain it. 

 

It just is. 

 

My ex has to express his necessity in my life on my posts - and - my love will express his concern. 

 

I have to play the NPD game.  I will have to praise my ex for creating problems only to solve them for me. 

 

Yes, my ex fixed the stove that I am too terrified to use.  He did this so I'd make him a holiday dinner which I agreed to do in the Separation Agreement.  I assume that once my ex falls in love, those provisions will die out.  He'll want to be with his new lady. 

 

My ex also fixed the washer, so I could wash his clothes. 

 

It's a game. 

 

I hate it. 

 

It's going to cost me my best friend. 

 

*****

 



Today my love is running a 5K for charity. 

 

I want to be with him. 

 

Yet, I am here stuffing a turkey for a turkey. 

My priorities are fucked up. 

My love should get my time. 
 

I couldn't sleep a wink last night because I realized that I'm going to lose the love of my life over this. 

 

I can't give myself fully to him when I'm being followed by people who look like my ex's sister and my ex is hanging around the house. 

 

I'm in tears. 

 

I did talk to my ex about my moving out and giving him custody of the kids and the house.  He doesn't want it. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

I cannot enforce the separation agreement until the final hearing. 

 

I cannot make my ex stop raiding the retirement accounts. 

 

I cannot make him move out. 

 

I'm a sitting duck. 

 

*****



 

I guess I do have a lot to be thankful for. 

 

If Shannon was the lady at the Coffee Shop, it is proof that the cops are right.  My ex is the stalker.  He was the only one who knew where I would be. 

 

I wasn't terrified this time.  That is something to be thankful for, too. 

My love helps me feel safe. 

 

I found love, albeit too soon. 

 

I'm not sure it'll work because of the timing. 

 

I don't have the heart to throw my ex out in the cold, that will ruin my new relationship. 

 

My love was my best friend for two years.  My friends could see where it was heading but I was oblivious.  I feel like a fool.  They told me to move on.  I didn't.  As usual, my friends were right. 

 

Right love + Wrong time = Heartache 

 



At least, I had the beautiful experience of being loved by my best friend. 

 

How many people can say that? 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

Love ya,

 

S.

*Edit: 

That was Shannon in the coffee shop.  I tracked down her blog.  I found a recent photo and the name of her workplace.  She works at the office building next to the one I rent from. 

In her blog she writes about her disappointment in never having a sister she could count on.  She used to refer to herself as my sister and then make all sorts of demands on my time.  Then she started pointing guns at my neighbors and hassling people I know while claiming to be my sister. 

I still down know if she's stalking me for her own purposes or to help her brother. 

I'm going to print off Shannon's picture and carry it with me with a notation that she's my stalker.  Next time, I'll snap a picture of her watching me and take it down to the police station.   I should have done that yesterday.  She was sitting behind my boyfriend.  I'm sure he would have happily posed.  

That was Shannon!!!

Why the hell is she working next door to me???? 

Five weeks....It's only five more weeks until the divorce is final. 

I can do this. 

Love,

S. 


 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 









 

Lessons Courtesy of Funny Men

Today I am thankful for life's humorous moments.

I have a friend who I used to crush on before I met my love.  This friend is a musician and a talent agent.  He lives in [edited out for privacy], so I never get to see him.  He flies out to my city occasionally but I never get enough notice to drop what I'm doing to visit with him. 

I don't want to give his name. 

Let's see.....we'll call him....hmmmm.....Bob. 

Bob recently complained that all the women he dates want a guy with an 10" penis. 

Yeah.....

Not I....it's too much.  It's like having GG cups and not being able to run a marathon due to the pain. 

Once I said that, I think Bob fell in love. 

He writes to me all the time and wants to chat via the telephone.  He's trying to set up radio and television interviews for me. 

Uh...NO!  

I'm hiding from those websites where he contacts me now. 

So....

This is where it gets funny. 

The Goddess must've heard me bitch about big wangs. 

I fell in love with my best friend and lo' and behold....


Here was my first lesson.  Get a guy naked before you fall in love with him.  That way, if it's gonna hurt you, YOU KNOW beforehand. 

Yeah.....I'm intimidated by the way my love is built. 

He's a nice guy.  I tend to perceive the size of a guy by how kind hearted he is.  Maybe it is an issue of perception.

Maybe this is why I always dated assholes prior to this. 

So...never bitch...never complain...the deities have a sense of humor.

Apparently, they don't want me to walk. 

I've always said that if I love a man, I won't care about how he's built. 

I'll stand by that.

A man who can stand my politics, who tolerates my hobbies, who can actually talk to me and engage me in hours of fun conversation is a hard find.  

I'm not gonna let a little thing such as having a boyfriend built like a nuclear missile destroy my relationship.

Wow....

I'll figure it out. 

First world problems......eh? 

This is not something I can solicit advice about.  My doctor, my therapist, my friends would probably laugh at me and tell me to suck it up, count my blessings, and deal with it.

It's like bitching that I have too much money. 

I'll figure it out. 

You can't have too much of a good thing. 

Can you? 

Sigh....

Maybe bathing in lube and taking huge doses of Advil will help.

 

*****

 

Oh, and I learned something else that cracks me up. 

 

Never, ever lend your vehicle to your ex an hour before you meet your love. 

 

This is my second lesson.

 

My ex wanted to use my van to pick up someone who would recognize my vehicle.  I have a bright blue mini-van.  It's hard to miss.  He has a black sport car, just like every other middle aged man in the neighborhood.

 

He wanted to make sure the person saw him and accepted a ride from him.

 

It made sense, so I let him use the car for twenty minutes. 

 

My ex farted in it!!! 

 

He farted in my mini-van!!!!

 

That was two days ago!!!

 

I still can't get the smell out!!! 

 

*****

 

Social networking is starting to creep me out a little bit. 

 

My ex is now having to like every single Facebook post after my love likes it. 

 

So, if I post something slightly sweet or erotic, my love will like it and stamp his name on it. 

 

Within minutes, my ex will do the same thing. 

 

So, I will see the post and [name of ex hubby], [name of love], [names of various friends] like this. 

 

I am about to throw up. 

 

I want to be transparent but it is getting to the point where I don't want to do anything online anymore.  Maybe I need to start hiding my posts from my ex.  

 

Jealous men crack me up!!!!

If I piss off my ex any more, I can expect more damage to my car, the house, and the retirement accounts.  I am almost to the point of hiring a lawyer.

My ex swears up and down that he's not a stalker.  I beg to differ. 

He's doing whatever he can to make his presence known.   

It's starting to really upset me.  I had a panic attack this morning after seeing his name up and down my Facebook page. 

I know it is petty.  I don't want to let petty behavior get my goat but it is annoying.  All my friends know who I love.  They know he loves me.  It's been a mini-soap opera for a little over two years now. 

When my love and I admitted to our relationship, thirty-three friends contacted me to tell me it was about flippin' time that I moved on and ended my denial.  That's a lot of people! 

My ex can't keep is nose out of it.  I am becoming a little bit scared.

If I unfriend my ex, I have no clue what he's capable of doing.  If I kick him out of the house, I don't know what he'll do.  I am getting to the point of terror when I visit with my friend. 

My ex will say it's okay but then he'll go on to raid my bank account, or break something in the house, or damage my car. 

This is my fault.  I put off the divorce to save my ex $5,000 in taxes.  That move cost me $10,000 in retirement funds.  I am debating whether or not I want to let the judge know about the financial abuse or just stay silent so I can get away. 

I am realizing that divorce does not mean the end of a relationship.  It takes two people to decide to get into a relationship.  Both people have to agree to get out.  If one is a compulsive liar, the other does not know where she stands. 

My ex knows I'm in love with another man.  He knows that we didn't have a real marriage.  He knows that I've been with my friend.  I'm not hiding anything.  I find his presence in my life stifling at best. 

The stalking.....my ex blames his sister for the stalking.  I haven't voluntarily seen or spoken to her since 1998.  The only contact I have with her is when she is following me or trying to break into my house.  I question how she knows which car to put the GPS box on, when I am at work, where I work, where I go to school, when I am home, when I am with a male friend, or where I am going. 

Only my ex knew these things.  He HAS to be in on the stalking, too. 

I know he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I am beginning to believe that the marriage is a huge ego boost to him.  Yesterday, I asked if he wanted me to stay married to him and continue to see my love on the side. 

He said "yes!!" 

Now, I can't do that.  Sex just isn't hot if you can't give yourself up to it completely.  Until my divorce is final, I can't give myself 100%.  It's like getting shushed during lovemaking.  If you can't let go and give in 100%, it's just not worth your time. 

I find myself counting down the remaining weeks.  I have five to go until the final hearing. 

I'm going to spend the morning praying about how to stop the madness.   

 

Life is getting interesting!!! 

I am beginning to get angry over the manipulations.  I really am. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

Understanding the Story

Today I am thankful that I finally understand the story. 

I know some of my gurus are going to knock me for needing to understand the story. 

I had to get more information before moving on. 

I didn't understand this until a couple of hours ago.

What happened was someone in the community called me.  He needed a lawyer because his child was caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. 

My daughter works in the legal field.  She deals with drug offenses.  I called her. 

She asked about the divorce.  She asked if her Dad was still at the house.  She asked if I was going to cook Thanksgiving dinner and whether or not her Dad would be there. 

Yes, he's still here.

Yes, I'll cook dinner.

Yes, he'll be here.

Yes, she can show up. 

At that moment, I felt guilty for wanting to move on with my life. 

My ex's boss mentioned wanting to see me at a Christmas party.  Uh...we are getting divorced.  I can't go.  My ex has told his coworkers that we are still a couple.

We are not. 

I am in love with another man.  I am ready to move on.  I can't put myself in a position of giving my ex false hope in the marriage.  

Of course, my ex milked this for all it was worth.  He wants me back.  He says that my being with another man is his karma for telling me we are getting divorced.   He'll forgive me.

The stalking will never happen again, he said.

He will honor my boundaries and not dig through my stuff, he said.

He will stop raging at me, he said. 

But....the manipulations...the irresponsibility...the lying....I can't handle those things. 

I can't handle the things that are brought into my life due to the manipulations, the irresponsibility, the lying, and the drama.

The fact his brother is having his bill collectors call here proves to me that this is a family affair.  I didn't train my ex to lie, be irresponsible with money, or create drama. 

His brother and sister do it, too. 

It has nothing to do with me. 

I can leave now. 

It's okay for me to go because the drama is stealing time away from me.  It is taking me away from the community.  I can't help the community if my time is being stolen away by crazy, stalking, irresponsible people. 

If the stalking is about my ex having a teenage obsession with me, I can go away now.  The universe will bring him another love who needs to learn a lesson, just like I did.

When I leave, the obsession will fade.  It's a good thing. 

It is high time to move on. 

*****

The universe brought me a man who mirrors me so completely, it is uncanny.  I don't know where to start with that one.  There is so much that we have in common.

The freaky thing is that our marriages became celibate about the same time. 

It's like we've spent eight years waiting for each other.

I realize that I made this particular soul mate wait for me because I was shamed into staying here.  I made a vow but was the only one keeping it.  I made that vow more important than my need to follow my bliss. 

This is my lesson. 

Follow your heart.  Listen to your gut.  Follow your intuition.

That is what I am doing. 

This man teaches me to communicate and to really listen.  He teaches me to get in touch with my spirituality and never deny my true feelings.  He reminds me to live, love, and honor other people.  He teaches me to chunk down big projects into manageable parts and to pay attention to details. 

I need him in my life, especially right now. 

*****

I've had a lot more energy today than I've had in two years. 

I'm no longer asking "why am I being stalked?"  and "how can I stay safe?"  The stalking began with an irrational teenager obsessing over poetry.  It's irrational. I'll never get a rational answer.  The safest thing I can do is move on and let him do the same. 

Now, the question has changed.  I'm asking "what in the world does the universe wants me to do now?"

I'm ready for the next lesson. 

Love ya,

S. 

Serenity May Be a Restraining Order

Today I am thankful for restraining orders and new phone numbers. 

I hate to say it. 

Years ago, my stalking in-laws would use me as credit references without asking.  It got to the point that my brother-in-law told his creditors that I was his WIFE!!! 

Guess whose creditors are calling me now asking for dough?

I can barely get my ex to pay his bills. 

I cannot afford his brother's debt. 

Okay....there is something that I want to say to William D. 

• If I haven't shaken your hand since 1996, I'm NOT a credit reference. 
• If the only words I speak to you are to ask you to leave me alone when you are following me around town, I am NOT a credit reference. 
• If your brother and I sat you down and told you to stop using us as credit references in 1995, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If I sent you a cease and desist letter in 2001 due to phone harassment, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If you received a second cease and desist letter in May 2013, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If your brother contacted you on Facebook in June 2013 and told you to stop calling my house due to a No Contact Order, I am NOT a credit reference.
• If you call my home and sit on the line breathing, despite being too dumb to know that I have caller ID and know who you are, I am NOT a credit reference. 
• And, if your brother calls the number you silent called me from and gets your wife to identify herself, you've been caught.  If your wife refuses to let you talk to your brother, I would assume he is NOT a credit reference either.  You'd have to ask him. 

I am going to ask my in-laws to leave me alone...NOW!! 

Don't call my phone number. 

Don't give it to third parties without my permission. 

They know my ex's phone number. 

If this happens again, I'm getting a restraining order against the lot of them. 

And, uh....I know you're reading what I write...you stalkish jerks.  I know this because you haven't left me alone yet. 

I can prove what you are doing because people claiming to be bankers are leaving messages on my answering machine. 

I've used this number for 12 years.  My ex uses a phone number one digit off from mine.

In the divorce, we decided I would keep this phone number. 

Don't pull that trick again. 

I decided to get new phone numbers. 

Love ya more when you're far away,

S. 

Candles in My Isolation

Today I am thankful for the light of candles. 

I realized somewhere around 4:00 a.m. that my ex is probably going to kill me. 

He said that he signed the separation agreement because he thought it was a big joke.  It's on file at the court house and he doesn't believe I'll go through with it. 

He won't honor it. 

He's been calling me his ex since April 2006.  Isn't it time to move on? 

He's depressed. 

He scares me when he's depressed. 

My ex was the treasurer for an issue committee that we helped create back in 2009.  He filed the paperwork when he usually does but tells me that the city council changed the due date.  He missed it and they levied a $150 fine payable immediately. I'm thinking that he purposely did not file with the city clerk knowing that the council would levy a fine.  This is the latest excuse not to honor our separation agreement for another month. 

Of course, the city clerk said the council would have to approve a payment plan.  They hate me.  I ran against the Mayor and publicly shared nasty emails that I received from half of the people sitting at the bench. The only reason they tolerate me is that I took down those emails when they ran for re-election.  With this, I'm seriously putting that Blogger account back up so everyone can read how petty these so-called leaders can be.

The City Attorney is the very reason I'm in danger in the first place.   My ex took a pay cut to work as a auditor for the city.   Little did he know, they practice age and ADA discrimination.  They routinely fire men over the age of forty and claim that they have anger issues.  I've interviewed quite a few men who have experienced this.  I had one visit the house to chat with me last Thursday about his experience.  He quit rather than pay the fine.  He didn't tell me how much his fine was but it was hefty.  The City Attorney and the HR Manager still do this!!!! 

With Mike, they claimed they fired him for abusing me -but- refused to investigate it.  The message was loud and clear.  He will not be punished for abusing me.  The cops will look the other way.  It got worse after that. 

I'm incredibly pissed that the cops won't investigate the stalking.  Maybe they've done some of it and hope Mike gets blamed; I did find cops hanging around in my garage and my back yard.  Conversely, Mike may have stalked me because I was running for office and thought that I would assume it was the city using GPS to keep track of me. 

I don't know.  I just know something scary is happening.  I don't trust either party.

Now other money has gone missing.  I'm not sure if it was hidden, lost, or part of a new game. 

It gets worse.  Things around the house are breaking.  I'm pretty flippin' sure it is a manipulation to stay here.  I'm almost ready to steal some of those quarters he started collecting a few years ago to do the laundry.  I haven't had a washer for two weeks. 

I wash his clothes so that the house does not stink.  It smells horribly. 

In the separation agreement, I gave him the newer car under the condition that he help me pay for the repairs on the mini-van.  That has not happened.  So, I'm stuck here. 

I've got maybe 1/8 of a tank of gas.  The van runs.....barely.  It stalls and is becoming hard to start.

I do borrow money to meet my needs.  I have access to a little bit of that.  It is embarassing to do that. 

If he'd just disperse the funds, I could open my own account and do my own stuff. 

My hope was that he would disperse what is in the IRA, so I can start my new life.  That was supposed to happen on November 1.  I'm not sure it will. 

I was hoping he'd move out before I found a job.  I don't want him knowing where or when I work.  I don't want him knowing my routines.  The stalking scares the holy shit out of me. 

I need money now.  I guess I'll have to go look for a retail job and pray I don't get shot by a member of his family. 

He claims that he cannot afford to move out until January 9th.  That is the date of the final hearing.  I fear that allowing him to stay here will reset the clock on the separation. 

We were supposed to have the final hearing in October but he asked that I push it out to save him money on taxes.  He asked for more time to move out and disperse the funds.  I did so thinking I was being diplomatic.  I was being foolish.  I may have dug my own grave. 

He wants to stay another nine years for the sake of the kids. 

I'm not sure I can live another nine years of my life on hold. 

I am spending a lot of time in tears.  I have to find a way to let my friend go.   I can't handle how my ex makes comments about my friend and I hanging out together and poking fun at our friendship.  My friend was really the only person who cared enough to check in when I'd go missing.  He saw my panic attacks.  He would give me time in solitude to think  but he'd stay with me so I wasn't alone.  We fell in love.  I don't think that was supposed to happen. 

The divorce should have been final September 17th -but- I started making concessions.  My friend dutifully waited until mid-October to express his intentions to define a relationship.  My ex was supposed to move out the third week of that month, so it seemed like it wasn't creepy to let the friendship change.  I would have my independence once I had control over some of the assets. 

It seemed like it would be easy.  It's not.  

I have tried to visit with my friend.  We were taking communication classes together.  My ex likes to harass me as I leave the house to see my friend.  It makes me uncomfortable and disturbs my peace.  I can't handle it, so I stopped visiting with my friend.  In fact, I stopped going anywhere.

How fun is it to be around someone who is frustrated?

He can easily find another woman, so I am trying to turn him loose.  He won't go. 

I'm trying to desensitize myself to the stalking and related mayhem but it is hard. 

I need my ex out of the house. 

My ex is spending a lot of time crying.  I feel bad.  I cannot talk to him without it taking hours upon hours.  I cannot get a game plan going.  I cannot learn what he wants or needs.  I don't know what will help.  I cannot get him to tell me anything that will help me fix the situation.  It is a circular conversation that goes nowhere.  I'm neglecting the kids because I literally spend five hours every evening trying to help my ex find the means to move out of the house.

I still have one vintage saxophone and one vintage bass guitar that I have not sold.  I'm going to try selling them for gas money, so I can work on leaving the house to gain my independence back. 

I am incredibly confused. 

I am toying with the idea of typing out a new separation agreement giving him everything.  Maybe then, I get to move out!  I may end up visiting with the Legal Aid lawyers tomorrow.  They will probably tell me to keep the agreement that I have and do what I can to ignore my ex's antics unless I can retain someone to file a complaint with the court.

Pissing off a crazy person in distress often has consequences that I'm not sure I can afford to face. 

Maybe I'll just let him win this round.  I'm sorry....crazy people tend to win shit they shouldn't just because they'll do anything to get what they want. 

I'll let you know what happens. 

Love,

S. 

So Mote It Be

Today I am thankful that I gave the thirteen idiots that sit at the big desk in Council Chambers an out.

At the stroke of midnight, I cursed thirteen dolts; every City Council Member, the Mayor, the City Manager, and the City Attorney. 

I used several black candles and a green one. 

Why green? 

That's the out. 

Here is the curse: these people will all suffer bad luck and financial loses until they reverse the damage they've done to the city employees and their families -or- move out of this city never to return. 

All they have to do is put forth a resolution denouncing their fines against the employees and return all the money they stole (with compounded interest). 

It's no secret what they do.  Men over forty are fined and said to be aggressive.  Women over forty are fined and said not to be team players. 

They fine them but will dismiss the fine if they quit. 

It is all quite discriminatory. 

It is typically done for one of three reasons; (1) to compel someone to quit so they can't qualify for a retirement package, (2) to keep their employees quiet about unethical behavior on part of abusive officials, (3) to compel their employees to break the law. 

These aren't little fines.  The fines are equivalent to four days gross pay. 

They are illegal.  I tried to get an administrative judge to rule but he refused stating that the fine didn't happen to me directly.  I cannot find one person fined who isn't terrified of retaliation.  They won't send the letter.  The Feds tell me it is illegal.  The City Attorney and the HR Manager won't stop it unless they get a letter from a Federal judge. 

Because I don't like to see families fined, I tend to cave when city employees are forced to harass me or get me to do things that they (in all honestly) shouldn't demand that I do. 

These fines are quite political. 

There you have it. 

Now, I will say that I did build in a get out of jail free card.  If a politician never voted without considering the impact on people, the spell did not effect him or her. 

One picture.....one picture would not burn.  It was printed with the same ink and the same paper as the rest. 

Bob L.'s picture did not burn.  The spell will not impact him. 

It would seem to me that he would be a pretty darn good mayor, too. 

Everyone else is guilty of political abuses on some level.  The only way to break the spell is to reverse the situation, pay restitution, and make it impossible to repeat the offense. 

*****

Sigh....

I realized that my ex is very good at getting the city to harass me into allowing him to stay.  He's always creative expensive dramas.  The costs associated with these dramas are the reason he can't afford to move out. 

Things around the house are breaking, too.  He says he wants to stay until he fixes them.  He never does.  I'm beginning to believe that this is part of the game, too. 

So, I am also realizing that despite the separation agreement or the divorce agreement, he is not going anywhere. 

Later today I have to tell my love to go away.  I don't see an end in sight now.  If I can't get my ex away from me, I can't be with my love.

I am in severe pain. 

Love,

S. 

Day of Mars

Today I am thankful for Tuesdays.

Tuesday is the day of Mars. 

In the next few minutes, the hour of Mars will be upon me. 

It is the day I go to war with people who abuse others.

I learned today that the City Council and the City Attorney pushed the City Clerk into levying a fine against my ex. 

If she didn't push the fine, she would have been fined hundreds of dollars in cash.  The irony here is that this is the illegal practice I'd been trying to stop since 2008. 

I detest it when local governments expect people to follow the letter of their law and rules -but- refuse to follow Federal Employment Law. 

That's okay.  The mayor wants the city to become a county.  When I prove that they can't follow Federal law and risk Federal funds, they will lose that bid.  

About the fine, the typist did a poor job of typing the letter.  The fine was not $450.  It was $150. 

I, a single unemployed mother, have 20 days to come up with $150 for a mistake my ex made.   At least I think it was a mistake.  I'm not sure.  He claims the city changed the rules and didn't tell him.  The City Clerk said the rule was listed in a letter she sent.  I found the letter.  It was not. 

He won't pay it.  I have to pay it. 

Oh, I'm being stalked and the cops won't investigate.  The stalking got bad in 2008, after their employees started harassing me. 

Oh, my ex said he pulls shit like this to stay here with me.  Creating crises helps him control the situation. 

I'm not happy. 

I am angry. 

I have twelve black candles. 

I've got my shit list out. 

I'm gonna start with a guy named Charlie and move on to Skip and  then two women who has been given me fits for seven years (they like to steal my money)....They go by the names of Michelle and Stacy. 

Michelle's name came up in the conversation that I had today. 

The big spell is going to the unnamed people behind all of the harassment.  When I cast it to stop the person behind the stalking, my father-in-law died before the candle burned out.  I know he bad-mouthed me.  Maybe he came up with the idea of stalking me 22 years ago. 

With regard to the city, I don't know for sure who is behind the harassment.  If that person is in poor health, they'll die or move in the next 90 days.  It typically takes 90 days for a curse to take hold. 

I'm only going to ask that they be banished from the city and/or bound from lying and harming others.  If they die, then that is due to the karma they have brought upon themselves. 

I've given them chance after chance and they refuse to behave.  I don't think I have a choice here. 

I wouldn't have been mad at the women but they actually harassed me on the phone and via email when I asked questions about the illegal fines.  Stacy is the reason I fight tax hikes. 

They really enjoyed being abusive assholes.  I really enjoyed hypnotizing their high priced lawyers.  These people are lawyers who suck at their jobs so badly, that they have to hire expensive downtown lawyers to take over where they fail. 

Stacy called me at home.  I told her that she was breaking the law and she asked me "what are you going to do about it?" before slamming the phone down in my ear.  I didn't get to tell her.  I showed her my answer. 

My answer: "I'm gonna cost your employer millions of dollars, you egotistical slime bucket!" 

I also filed a complaint with the Supreme Court.  I was met with police harassment for doing that.  It didn't last long.  I'm a hypnotist. 

The cops aren't at fault, here.  The idiots in charge are.  The cops will get fined if they don't play ball.  The head honchos are abusing their authority.

I want them to stop. 

A cursin' I shall go. 

Let's see when the nonsense will stop. 

They get their employees to do unethical things under the threat of being levied a large illegal fine.  I end up doing the unethical things the employees ask out of concern that their children won't eat due to the illegal cash fines. 

The biggest fine I've heard of was $5,000 levied to a single dad in the finance department who took a day off for a sick kid.  My ex, a former tax auditor, paid $500 for being fat.  The smallest fine was $350 levied to a man in the parks department who said that he would talk politics at church on his own time. 

Okay.....greedy egotistical eff'ers want to play.  Let's have some fun. 

I'll curtail the food my children and I eat this month due to my concerns that the city clerk will have to pay a fine.  I feel manipulated.  I don't like being manipulated.

My ex is gonna stay here another month, so I can find the money.  If he or his sister kills me, my family promises to sue a police department that won't investigate the stalking I'm enduring and a city attorney that encourages domestic violence.   Yeah, the original reason the HR department (and the city attorney) gave for fining my ex was that he was abusive to me.  Then they sent him home where I got the brunt of his anger.   He paid the fine and was fired.

How did they know he was mean to me?  If they had proof, why wasn't there an arrest? 

He promised to divorce me the day he found a job.  The HR department continued to give him bad references, so it took five years for him to find work!  Five years!!!  They only stopped when we sued.

Yeah, we sued.  We learned that he was fined for being fat.  They thought billing him $500 would push him into quitting so he wouldn't ask for unemployment benefits. 

I saved every abusive email we got from that experience and posted it online on a different blogger account. 

I'm honestly thinking about re-posting my old blog (the one with all the evidence about wrongdoing at the city).  If they want to play with me, I'll make it a more sporting experience.  The blog upset the Tax Audit Supervisor and the City Attorney, so I took it down. 

If my kids don't eat well this month, I could care less if two abusive egotistical morons are upset. 

I'm upset.  My kids are going to go hungry because the city council doesn't allow me to make payments.  Okay.....bite my witchy fat arse.   I'm going to have to go on a diet due to a lack of fundage. 

I wonder I can do an open records request and find out where the illegal fine money actually goes?  Hmmmmm......

I consider unethical behavior evil.  Sometimes one can only fight evil with black magick. 

All praise the great Ares.  I sure will. 

Love ya,

S. 

Black Magick

Today I am thankful for black magick. 

When the mayor, the city council, and the city clerk start getting in horrid car crashes, that'll be because of my black candles.

They illegally fined me $500 again. 

Without a hearing, again. 

The first time, I blogged and sued. 

I only cast a spell to expose wrongdoing.  I did. 

I got to learn all about the Mayor and a council person's sex life (together). 

That was not intended, so I rescinded the spell. 

This time, I'm going cursing. 

This time, I won't bother taking back the spells. 

The fine had best be gone by the close of business today.  Tomorrow at the witching hour, their asses are grass and I am going toke it!

Have fun! 

Love,

S. 

Edit: It's 5:30 on a Friday.

The city clerk ignored my call. 

Well...........alrighty then.

 It is seven days past Halloween. 

The veil is still thin. 
Black  candles are 75% off. 
Saturday is the best day for casting curses. 

So....I'm going to have some fun with these idiots. 

In 2009, I had a return to sender spell cast because I was being harassed by the city attorney.  My ex's boss, the Tax Audit Supervisor, ended up having a seizure and crashing her car.  She hurt her hip and has to walk with a cane.  She was only 35. 

Later on, I learned she was behind the harassment. 

I'm going to start off cursing the person behind the harassment.  If they continue and do not fix this fine by Monday, I'll curse someone else. 

I'll keep going. 

I'm actually tempted to conjure a demon this time. 

Never.....play with a witch.  If you must, never do it on a Friday in the days following Halloween.

The cops are hanging out by my house again. 

Hmmmmm..........can they arrest me for being Pagan? 

I'd love to see the day. 

Choosing Celibacy

Today I am thankful that I can choose celibacy.

 



I'm trying very hard not to let anyone know that I am still violently ill.  It's probably the aspirin regimen I'm on. 

 

It could also be stress. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I went to the dentist yesterday for my six month check-up.  Apparently, I managed to chew down my back molars.  In six months, they have cracked and split.  I'm going to have to come up with $2,000.00 for crowns. 

 

That's not bad, really.  I mean, it could be worse, I could need four root canals. 

 

Stress, it is a killer! 

 

It ruins your teeth. 

 

I can't hold my food down.  I find myself drinking a ton of Ginger Ale soda.  I think I'm going to start gaining my weight back due to the corn syrup. 

 

This is weird.  I typically don't get so sick to my stomach. 

 

Stress.....don't let it get to you. 

 

It'll make you sick and ugly.

 

*****

 

I don't know. 

I really don't know. 

I managed to get my phone up and running (before it started going wacko again).  It likes to access files on its own.  I don't get my calls and messages right away. 

 

It's toasted. 

 

That's the last phone I buy on Ebay. 

 

I found messages Steve had sent me when I asked for space. 

 

Then I saw some he sent me via Facebook where he makes bizarre accusations about me going to art fairs rather than be with him. 

 

I didn't go. 

I was home sick.

 

I am debating if I should write about what he does that scares me.  I won't until enough water has gone over the bridge where I can write about it and educate women as far as what to watch out for when it comes to controlling men. 

 

He has done some things that bother me.  He doesn't yell.  He's never hit.  He's never lost his temper.  He's never called me a name. 

 

He just assumes that I do things I don't do.  He assumes that I feel in ways I do not feel. 

 

I cut him loose. 

 

I'm in severe pain.  It hurts me deeply.  I'm still crying.  Tomorrow, I will ask Isis to bring him his future love. 

 

I love him.

 

I can't be with him. 

 

I can't be with anybody.

 

*****

 

I am out of sorts today. 

 

 

My therapist suggested that I consider living with my ex for nine more years, until the youngest was out of the house. 

 

 

We're not having sex anyway, it's not like I'd miss having that need met.

 

 

I wouldn't risk further stalking because he'd be here and in control. 

 

That's not exactly fair to either one of us. 

 

Maybe it is for the best. 

 

She suggested that my ex was Facebook stalking Steve because he loved me. 

 

I think I've been violently ill since she said that. 

 

It's not an issue now. 

 

I've blocked Steve. 

 

I miss him. 

 

I wouldn't want him to know how sick I've become.  I don't want him to worry. 

 

This is best right now. 

 

*****

I have a "psychic" friend who channeled a message for me. 

 

"I love you.  I'm sorry.  I miss you."

 

She doesn't know where that came from. 

 

Maybe she assumes that is what some man in thinking.

 

*****

 

 

A few weeks ago, Steve asked me if Mike was my ex. 

 

 

Yeah....he's been calling me that since April 2006. 


Why? 

 

 

I was violently ill and my ex brought a puke bucket into my bedroom.  He told me that he hated seeing me hurt so much and that he'd be willing to move out if it eased my pain. 


My ex thinks I left Steve because he (my ex) wouldn't move out of the house. 

 

No....Steve hurt my feelings to the point where I don't know what to say to him.  If I say or do the wrong things, he beats himself up.  It makes me afraid to say or do anything. 

 

 

I had to ask....

 

I shouldn't have.....

 

 

but I did.

 

 

I asked Mike if he considered himself my ex. 

 

 

He said...."no."

 

 

There you have it. 

 

This is why I am confused. 

 

This is why I am sick to my stomach.

He wants to stay with me whether or not we are married.

 

I miss sex.  I miss being held at night. 

 

Either way, I'm doubtful I'll have either thing. 

 

Perhaps I should consider the therapist's suggestion. 

 

I'll pray about it. 

 

I'm very sick.   

 

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. 

 

I wish my ex would have been honest with me all those years. 

 

So much yelling, so much pain, so much stalking. 

I am in a lot of pain. 

 

*****

 

For a brief moment in time, I was happy. 

 

I was....

 

I love my best friend.  He loves me. 

 

That was beautiful. 

 

Still, there are things people in love usually do. 

 

For some reason, I can't. 

 

I think years of celibacy kills one's libido.  I can't get myself in gear enough to start a new relationship. 

Steve tried.  

I tried. 

 

I did self-hypnosis. I saw a shrink. I ate and drank a lot of aphrodisiacs. I even did a couple of spells and petitions to Aphrodite. 

 

I failed. 

 

I still couldn't grab my friend's hand and enjoy his company behind the bushes.

I don't know why. 

 

He assumed that I was staying away to do things behind his back without him (that wasn't true).  I was trying to psych myself up and find a creative way to move out of my current situation.

 

When my friend started to attack me, I made myself sick with worry. 

 

I am still not doing well. 

 

I can't break myself out of this vortex. 

 

It hurts. 

 

*****

 

Maybe this is what happens after 40. 

 

Maybe sex is a thing of the past for me. 

 

Maybe I need to devote my life to taking care of children and swearing off men. 

 

*****

This evening, I met a man who worked for the city in which I ran for mayor. 

 

We spent a half of an hour talking. 

The city attorneys are still up to their old tricks.  You know, former employees still talk.  They ought to treat their people with respect.

This man was handsome.  He was nice.  He doesn't agree with my politics but there is something there. 

 

I got his name. 

 

Do you know why?

 

I can never see him again. 

 

If there is a slightest attraction, I will avoid a man now.

 

I will avoid any event where his name is on the itinerary. 

 

Tomorrow, I will to go to a protest.   

 

He won't be there. 

 

*****

I hid my relationship status online. 

 

For three glorious weeks, no one asked me out. 

 

No one. 

 

I was free to Facebook, Google+, and Tumble as much as I wanted and no one bothered me. 

 

Today, a guy named Chris wrote to ask me out. 

 

Steve told me it bothered him that I ignored him the first four times he wrote to me online. 

 

I guess I'll find a nice way to tell Chris no. 

 

I had no idea it was so mean to ignore unsolicited appeals for dates.

 

I guess I learned something. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.

 

 



 

 



 



 

 

 

 







 

 

 



 

 

Refusing the Ambulance

Today I am thankful that I refused an ambulance ride. 

It started out innocently. 

I spent the past few days reflecting on my experience with Steve.  He always wanted to know my needs in a relationship.  I finally figured them out. 

I need safety (you know so I can be free to be me and uninhibited and fun).

I need sanity (in the form of truth).  Steve was the only person who gave that to me in abundance.  He always wants to distill everything down into basic truths, even if I end up confronting things I don't want to confront. 

I need stability (read NO stalkers, money I can access,  my car not disappearing without warning).

Now, for the past three months I've had trouble with breaking out into sweats and having chest pains.  I figured it was the Sudafed that I was taking due to my asthma. 

The doctor thought it was due to sugar.  So I stopped eating so much. 

I started taking birth control pills last month and the symptoms are worse. 

Today.....it was the same as it had been for the past few months. 

Then....Michael came home. 

There was a squeezing sensation in my chest, my left arm went numb, my chin went numb, and I could not breathe. 

He said that he wanted to stay in this house to save our marriage.  I told him what my needs were, knowing full well that he'll never tell me the truth.  It's not going to happen. 

I need to be safe (no more stalking).
I need to know the truth (no more lies).
I need security (no more taking things and hiding them).

If those things cannot happen he cannot so much as stay in this house. 

He tells me that I am safe. 
He tells me that I am sane.
He tells me that I am stable. 

Uh....no....I'm not. 

To be safe, I need to know how the stalking started.
To be sane, I need to know the truth about the stalking and he's got to stop lying to me.
To be stable, I need to be able to use my car and hold a job without being stalked. 

He continued to maintain that I was safe, that I know the truth,  and that I am stable. 

It would be easier for him to be divorced from me than to tell me the truth. 

Then, why is he here? 

At this point, the squeezing became much worse.  I couldn't breathe.  I turned red.  I stopped sweating.

Hmmmmm......

I took an aspirin.  It made me want to throw up.

Mike insisted that I accompany him to the local pharmacy for a blood pressure check.   My blood pressure was 143 over 98.  My pulse was 76.

Typically I faint due to low blood pressure. 

He called the insurance company nurse who gets on the phone with me to tell me to take an ambulance to the hospital. 

NO!! 

Hell NO!!! 

This is a panic attack. 

No!!! 

The last time this happened, Michael got fired from the city where I ran for mayor.  The assistant city attorney fined him $500 (illegally) then called my house to ridicule me.  This lawyer claimed that I fake heart attacks.  They fired Mike and said they did it because I am a hypochondriac. 

We found a group of activists.  Together we formed a PAC.  We cost the city a hell of a lot of money.

Then someone at the city went on to have the police harass me (spotlighting and banging on the doors in the middle of the night).  They had cop cars sitting outside our home nearly daily for about two years. This may be how they found out I was being stalked by Mike's family.  Yeah...the city was stalking me and discovered that I had a stalker. 

Weird huh....

I guess I'm lucky.

The day I had the chest pains that led to Mike being fired, I did not go to the hospital that day because I knew it was a symptom of Costochondritis.   This is a painful condition people diagnosed with fibromyalgia get; it mimics the pain of a heart attack.

****

I'm a little bit mad.

I've had choruses of people come through to try to get me to the hospital. 

Here is the deal.

I am NOT having a heart attack. 

I may be experiencing heart break. 

It will not kill me. 

Geesh!!! 

It is heart break. 

I think I lost my best friend.  Intuitively, I know that I can't see my friend again until Mike moves out of the house.  I'm actually hoping Steve finds a new soul mate because I don't see my ex moving out anytime soon.

It literally hurts my heart. 

Mike's presence here is stressing me out. 

I fear the stalking. 

There are so many signs that it has not lifted.  I do not know what to do. 

So....I'm going to have to call the doctor tomorrow.  I'll probably have to stop the pills and suffer with an inhaler like everyone else.  I'm probably going to have to quit the caffeine and go back on aspirin therapy. 

This is probably stress related. 

I need to get rid of the stalker!!! 

I need to get rid of the stress!!!

My friend is a keeper, when I said I needed time to take care of myself, he let me take it. 

I'm not faking. 

He thought I was making stuff up so I didn't sleep with him. 

I was following my shrink's orders.  I'm glad I listened to her. 

If I go quiet, I'm probably in the hospital with tubes in my chest. 

Never let ninnies get ya down. 

The stress they cause can kill ya!

Love ya,

S. 

Alone Time

 

Today I am thankful for alone time. 

I am actually considering re-embracing my celibacy. 

I have spent the past eight years living in a state of exhaustion. 

My ex has always been here. 

With the stalking, he is always where I was. 

It was and still is exhausting. 

I never understood why I was so tired until my friend started posting about our personal life on Facebook. 

My friend...who is no longer my boyfriend...helped me see the light. 

Yeah, he claims I dumped him.  The 'boyfriend' label made him act uncharacteristically.  He tried to do too much for me.  It's not right. 

It changed him. 

He didn't like doing what he termed "boyfriend shit."

I don't like it. 

Maybe....someday....If he stops being bizarre, I'll give him the "Best-ie" label. 

He had it. 

He had more perks from me before he became my "boyfriend."  I'm surprised he doesn't want to go back to the "best friend" label.

Maybe........I'll give it back. 

My best friend can get the same perks as a boyfriend -but- he doesn't have to run around acting like a boyfriend. 

To get it back, he's gotta stop crying about our relationship on Facebook.  When he whines about our relationship, I feel shamed into behaving out of character. 

It seems to be controlling, whether or not it is intended to be. 

I'm going to have to take this slower. 

If I don't answer the phone, there may be a good reason (e.g. I forgot to update my pre-paid phone account and calls weren't getting through - oops).

The distrust....is hurtful!

*****

I also shared something my friend Andrew posted about spending time with people we love rather than b!tching at them.  Well....my friend threatened to block me over that post. 

When a man threatens to block you over an innocent post, he teaches you that you are disposable. 

Why would I have unprotected sex and make an exclusivity pact with a guy who is routinely threatening to throw me away? 

He just set himself back in my eyes.  I'm not sure I can fix this.  I'm in pain.

I am thinking that it is probably better for me to be alone at this point.   

I hope my friend has a hottie on the side!

*****

How do I know my ex-hubby is the stalker?

He's stalking my friend. 

My ex hubby will literally call me on the phone, letting it ring into oblivion, to tell me what my friend posts on his wall. 

The phone will ring 10 times.  I'll ignore it.  My ex will hang up and call back and let it ring ten times.  After about four rounds of this, I'll finally pick up the phone. 

It's hurts.....the game....it hurts.

I'm disturbed. 

I'm angry. 

Hearing my ex badmouth my friend makes me cry.  I know my ex is hoping to spare me pain but it causes more pain than it prevents.  At lease I want to believe he is trying to spare me pain. 

Maybe not. 

I don't know. 

All I know is that it makes me distrust my ability to choose my lovers. 

It makes me want to be alone. 

*****

When my friend claimed he was a bad boyfriend and wasn't good at "boyfriend shit" on his Facebook wall, I relieved him of the title. 

I also tried to make him feel better about himself, saying that I want a bad boyfriend who was bad in all the good ways.  I posted a song from the punk band Garbage called "Bad Boyfriend."

My ex-hubby had to call me to say that my friend went to Facebook claiming that I called him garbage. 

It made me sob.

My head hurts. 

My eyes are swollen. 

My face has little red streaks from my salty tears.

I look like a flippin' sad clown now. 

Thanks...guys!!

I ate so much chocolate due to my despair, I think I gained 10 pounds. 

So, in reality, I look like a scary, sad, obese clown with a red afro. 

Thanks....guys!!!

NO more men. 

NO more chocolate.

NO more excess poundage. 

If things were okay, I'd have a work out partner. 

NO work out partner is worth this DRAMA!!!

This boyfriend shit is stressful. 

Steve and Mike are making my high school best friend look like an angel.  All Thomas did was tell people that I was a lesbian.  He also claimed to be gay while wearing a kilt. 

When people asked if we "did it"...

Tom would say "she's a lesbian, I am gay, and we are covering for each other."

The worst he did was make a few people think we were gay and show off his legs.  He never went to the World Wide Web with our shit (yes, I knew him until we were stalked together in 2011).  He never stalked me (well, he did hunt me down when the gossip hounds said I was in trouble but he disappeared when he realized that wasn't true). 

This is worse than high school. 

This is flippin' insane!!!

The boyfriend shit had to stop, in part, because it is getting my friend stalked!!!  

No male friend of mine is safe.  Tom wasn't.  Steve isn't. 

I really feel the need to hide from the world. 

Worse, my ex-hubby seems to know things my friend and I have shared via Facebook in private messages.  

I am nearly to the point of closing out my Facebook account. 

I'm not sure it's stalking. 

I think it is more obsession. 

I am wondering if I am safer letting my ex-hubby live in the basement and forgoing any future male companionship. 

The stalking is giving me panic attacks. 

This is stupid.

I need to take control. 

*****

I am learning something from watching men try to stake a claim in their perceived territory. 

It's stealing my energy. 

*****

My friend....uses our experiences to sort out his feelings. 

He usually does it on Facebook.  He sends long, beautiful messages, trying to figure out where he begins and I end (or vice versa).   This helps him sort out what he wants. 

It's a good thing. 

The fact that someone else may be reading them is yucky. 

Another problem is that it makes me feel tired. 

It's not too terrible because he does most of the intellectual work.  I just listen and respond.

It does seem somewhat familiar. 

The insecurity...it feels painfully familiar.....

Where have I felt this before?

*****

My ex expected me to take responsibility for his feelings. 

It took up so much of my time and energy. 

I stopped painting. 

I stopped playing bass. 

I stopped writing.

I stopped composing music. 

I lost myself.

It wasn't just him....it was his family, too. 

His mother blamed me because she lost sleep because I was "having sex" with her son (who I married).  That probably explains the celibacy.

His cousin bitched at me because I didn't buy her an expensive house (yeah....NPD runs in this family). 

His sister blamed me because her brother (whom I married) moved in with me. 

I get the picture. 

There is way too much enmeshment in my life by crazy people who believe that I am responsible for their lives. 

I look forward to being rid of them. 

*****

 

So today....

 

I decided that these men are responsible for their own feelings. 

 

It's not my job to make them feel like men. 

 

I don't ask them to make me feel like a woman. 

 

If we can grow close and do things we mutually enjoy, we'll both feel better. 

 

That is going to take some time.

 

My ex-hubby has got to stop triangulating with his family if he wants to remain a "friend".

 

My friend has got to stop triangulating with his Facebook friends if he wants a shot with me. 

 

It'll work out should that happen. 

 

If not....

 

Well.....I'll continue to get lots and lots of beauty sleep. 

 

*****

 

 

I find myself slowly regaining my energy. 

 

 

What do I want to do with my new found time? 

 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

I'll sort it out and let you know. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S. 

Narcissist Amusement

Today I am thankful for catching on to a narcissist on Facebook. 

I've found this phenomenon before. 

In the past, I found a website which claimed to be run by shrinks researching the phenomenology of living with a narcissist.  On the forum, one got the sickly sense that these so called admins were getting their narcissistic supply reading about the pain of others. 

Of course, I had to Google the name of the admins.  One of them is a self-proclaimed narcissist who wrote a book and has a ton of YouTube videos.  His videos and book are informative because they show us what goes on in the mind of a narcissist -but- his theories are warped by his personality disorder.

I had this experience on Facebook today. 

There is a page called Narcology. 

That's cool enough.  They post witty memes from time to time. 

A lot of the time they are incredibly negative.  I can't stand to like much of their stuff because my friends would be exposed to the negativity. 

Okay....

Today....today the admin was crazy. 

Yeah....she wrote...get this....that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder study Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) and use it to attack other people.   She went on to write that you could buy tapes and such teaching you how to do this online. 

Then she went on to confuse Bandler and Grinder with Freud.

It didn't bother me until someone wrote "oh, my God!!"  Other people had no idea that you could learn to be controlling buying tapes online. 

Okay.....buying crappy self-help tapes is not the root cause of narcissistic personality disorder. 

Bad parenting combined with a family history of class B Personality disorders is believed to be the root cause of NPD.

Most narcissists I know will only buy the tapes or sign up for classes.  They won't put in any effort into learning anything new. 

It is a PERSONALITY DISORDER!

It IS a way of living.

I tried to explain that NLP wasn't this mystical thing.  It was just a therapeutic tool to help people get control of their thoughts.  It DOES NOT work if people don't want it to work.

Narcissists don't need NLP to do what they do.  They need to have access to a person with empathy who will go the extra mile to give people the attention they feel they deserve.  Narcissists use another person's good qualities against them in order to meet their ego needs.

They are akin to psychic vampires who exhaust the energy of their victims by taking up their time and attention. 

The admin attacked me quite publicly! 

Three times!! 

Then, she claimed that I put words in her mouth!! 

Oh....boy....I saw what was going on. 

She was trying to provoke me. 

I realized that I was dealing with a narcissist using me to get supply.  I unfollowed her page.  When she continued to attack me, I wrote that she did NOT know what she was talking about. 

She doesn't. 

I fully expect her to write some slander about me and delete my comments to maintain her stellar image.  I know what narcissism looks like.

She's got 9,300+ people to give her potential supply, I need not be one of them. 

I've got bigger political and personal battles to wage.  I don't have time for crazy people. 

Here is my word of warning.

The internet is a freaky place. 

Stay away from idiots holding themselves out as experts. 

As my graduate clinical counseling professor explained to me,

"an ex is a has been while a spurt is a drip under pressure."

Be mindful of where you get your information. 

Love ya,

S.