Confusion

Today I am thankful that I understand that confusion is natural.

I'm going to admit it. 


I am confused. 


I am realizing that confusion is normal when someone doesn't have all the answers.


It is okay to be confused.

*****

I'm exhausted.  It was an emotionally trying day. 


I got the chairs back from Steve.


We had a five hour conversations at a bar.  We spoke of games, arguments, and witchcraft.  We spoke of all the reasons our friends and family think we should split. 


I think I embarrassed the cook. 


The cook is, in all reality, a chef.


He made us a masterpiece.  It was steak, wrapped around an avocado with some special sauce that no one could duplicate anywhere else.  It was wrapped in some fancy bread.  It was pretty good. 


He asked for feedback. 


I thought it was a work of art.


I told him that I enjoy eating Art.


Then he disclosed that Art was the name of his boss.


I think the red will leave my cheeks sometime within the next few weeks.

*****

I spent the better part of the morning waiting at an office. 

While there I thought about the stalking. 

I realize that if Mike is doing it, he's doing it out of concern.

I am not going to worry about it anymore.

Mike wouldn't hurt his kids.

Mike has never hit me. 

It's going to be okay. 

I do not understand why his sister does the things she does.  I am confused.  You know, it's okay. 

I'm not worried about the stalking due to my belief that Mike is behind it. 

I'm more worried about him not being able to survive if I don't earn money to nix the idea of alimony and lower his child support payment.

My time would be better served focused on earning cash. 

I am sorry that this is short.  I haven't been sleeping.  I need to try today. 

I need to go off and cry myself to sleep. 

Love ya,

S. 



A Better Metaphor

 Today I am thankful for metaphors in movies.

I've been pondering this scene today.

I am realizing that sometimes when it comes to head and control games,

"The only winning move is NOT to play."

*****

The games have made me sick. 

I have paired the memory of Steve with bloody vomit.

I have paired the memory of Michael with fainting. 

I don't care what happens now. 

No man is worth the pain my physical body is in.

I'll try to get in to see a physician once I get my new insurance card.   The anemia is not easy to deal with. 

*****

I may contact the Sheriff tomorrow so I can get the chairs.  If he advises that I send a letter to Steve, I will.  If he wants to send an officer to meet me at his condo, I will. 

I want this done.

I also left a silver and carnelian ring at Steve's house.  

That's okay. 

I dodged a bullet, didn't I? 

I nearly let this man move in with me.  I nearly gave him access to everything I owned.  If he's quick to threaten to throw my things my away and ignore me when I try to get them back, what could he have done with more valuable and sentimental items?

The only thing that held me back was that my ex-husband never moved out.  I packed him up.  He's still here.  

Perhaps I owe my ex-husband a debt of thanks.  If he had move out, Steve would have been allowed here.  What would have happened then?

I am still in shock. 

Why would someone be so petty?

I guess we never really know someone until we break up with them. 

The weird thing is that I feel like I'm getting harassed by petty men in stereo.  That thought makes me feel like vomiting.....again. 

*****

I haven't slept more than two hours in three days. 

I'm going to try to get back to sleep this morning. 

My stomach burns.

I can't hold down food. 

No man is worth this. 

No game is worth this.

Any man who puts me through this isn't worth the time of day. 

*****

The Goddess must have someone better in store for me.  

I'll leave an offering at the altar and thank her for opening my eyes to who Steve is. 

Perhaps I should be kinder to my ex-husband.  He sat with me for two hours explaining how he abused me during our marriage.  He said that he saw those things in Steve (which is why he stalked him....allegedly....I don't know).

I guess I need to be thankful that I saw the truth in both men. 

If Michael hadn't stalked me, I wouldn't have needed time to collect my thoughts.  I wouldn't have withdrawn.  I wouldn't have seen Steve for who he was. 

I am still in shock.

At least I feel stronger. 

I'll give it a couple of days before making huge plans.

I feel sick.  I think I've felt sick for over a year.  It seems like Steve became difficult the moment he declared his love for me.  Once I started spending time with him, he became worse.

I believed that it was projection.  Then I believed he was working out the baggage from his past relationship.  I was doing that, too.  Who am I to judge?  I thought we'd love each other through it.

Perhaps everything happens for a reason. 

A friend doesn't treat a friend in the manner Steve treated me. 

*****

Being angry at unjust treatment is the true test of being a Wiccan.  If I can get through this without throwing one curse, I'll know that I'm handling it well.

It is so easy to think things like.....I wish someone would do this to Steve so he can see how it feels.

No, I really don't want that.  Why wish for more negativity in the world?

The worst thought I had is that I NEVER want to see his face again.  Even that could be a bad wish. ,Steve could get into an accident or lose his face in a fire.

I'm trying to keep my thoughts pure in the face of abuse.

I am trying to pass the test.

I consider myself a white witch.  I have used dark magick (to bring wrongdoing of politicians out in the open to create transparency).  I detest black magick.  It is rarely good.  It is not right.  It hurts more people than it helps.

The most powerful magick is a prayer to God in the name of Jesus.  Many Pagans I knew have put away their cauldrons in favor of the cross. 

*****

I've been dreaming of demons.  This morning, during my two hour sleep, I had a dream where a demon claimed that Steve sold his soul.  In that dream, I prayed to the Christian God asking that Steve be saved.  The demon became frustrated and went away. 

I hope someone is praying to save Steve from his demons. 


Love ya,


S.
  





Chairs as a Metaphor for Control

Today I am thankful for the realization that chairs and a metaphor for control .

I am also thankful for this song.  My ex-husband posted this song to my Facebook wall.  I am upset that he hasn't moved out and feel hopeless trying to befriend other men because his presence in my life makes me a loser.  I fear he's never going to leave.  I fear the stalking won't stop.  I think the song was meant to give me comfort because it tells me that I'm not his b!tch.

Isn't that sweet?

Maybe this will end soon. 

Last week, my ex-boyfriend sent me a message on Facebook giving me 3 hours and 22 minutes to call him or he's throw out some high end folding chairs that I lent to him.  I used to use them for hosting meetings for my political action groups. 


I got the message fifteen minutes before the end of the ultimatum.


I saw that he had sent me several Facebook messages over the past week.  I never saw them.  In them, he criticized me as not wanting to be sexy, not speaking about my needs, and all sorts of other things.


I had my Facebook conversations muted.  I guess I should be happy I didn't see them.  They were very mean.


Two weeks ago, I tried to tell Steve about the stalking and he scoffed. I am happy now because I know who is behind it.  The worst part of the stalking is NOT knowing why it is happening.  I know that I see my ex-husband's family too much.  I know people he knows gossip about me and harass me on the street.  I never knew why.  He always claimed he had nothing to do with it and that they were stalking me to upset him.


Now I know it is my ex-husband.  I know his motive (to stay with me).  I know his means (he is still living here).  Now that I have that information, I can put together a safety plan.  I just wish it hadn't come at such a high cost.

This started a little over a week ago.   Our internet service went out.  While it was down, an activist going by the name of Larrisa C had made herself the administrator of a political page I run and scheduled it for deletion.  When the computers came online, I found out what she had done and booted her from my network. 

I asked my ex-husband if he knew a political activist named Larissa C. 

I watched him fire up his computer and do a search.  I was livid when I saw a picture of Steve's father (named Lawrence Y.) show up on a computer that I NEVER use.   He was logged into an anonymous Facebook account that I am not linked with.  It scared the holy heck out of me.  I started to get advice on how to get Michael out of the house.  I have a friend who is a paralegal.  He told me what to do.  I am working on it.  With this....well, I realized that I had to step everything up. 


I decided at that moment that I had to either get my ex-husband out of my house or break up with Steve.  I was getting scared. 

My ex-husband agreed to pay the phone and other bills in lieu of child support -but- he didn't keep his promise.  Now, I found myself scrambling not only to get the phones working again but to put the account in my name while maintain my online business and job hunt despite not having internet  and phone service.


That didn't help matters either.  One Friday, two weeks ago, I spend the afternoon trying to get the phones put in my name.  I had to clear up a billing matter.  I had to get my ex-husband's permission to port the numbers.  It was a living hell.  At the end of the day, I was exhausted.



Since my ex-husband was finally talking to me, I thought I would try to get my ex-husband to sign a quit claim deed and formulate a plan for leaving the house.  Six hours earlier, Steve wanted me to visit with him but I wasn't sure what was going to happen.  I arrived home from the tele/internet provider around 8:00 p.m.  At this point, I tried to get Michael to sign a legal document stating when he would leave.  I was making progress!  I was excited.  I could see my new life unfold in front of my eyes.

 I figured that the moment my ex-husband moves out, the stalking will drop.  Upon receiving four text messages from Steve asking if I was going to come to his place and predicting that Michael would never cooperate, I started to cry.  The talks between my ex and I broke down.  I told Steve 'no', I wouldn't come over because I was hurting.


Steve always said that if I simply changed my inner thinking towards a problem, I could change the situation and find a solution. I took charge.  I took initiative. I thought that trick had worked. 
 


I thought Steve and I would get to talk about it.  He never called back.  He attacked me on my Facebook page.  Then one of my friends started bad-mouthing him in private chat.  I muted all of my messages and signed out.  I did not want to hear it.



Steve started to ridicule me on his page, so I unfollowed his page.  Then he went to LinkedIn and did a little picking on me there.  I was stunned.  I took a break thinking that he'd call me when he settled down. 



In the meantime, I got a new phone number. I signed up for health insurance.  I got the kids registered for school. I started a new advertising campaign to bring in some money. 


I understood the necessity for breaking it off with Steve until the stalking ends.  I told Steve this after getting several obnoxious comments on my page.  I thought he'd call me if he wanted to chat.



Apparently not. 

On Tuesday afternoon, my ex-husband admitted to stalking Steve and told me to check my Facebook messages.

I did. 

That's when I read a message from Steve claiming that I was unkind and inconsiderate and that he wanted to call it quits so he could bring a better person into his life (that's okay).  That's when he said I owed him closure and had until 5:00 to call to get my belongings out of his house and he said that if I contacted him after 5:00 he would file for a restraining order.  I got the message at 4:45.




There was a good piece to that development.


There was a bad piece to that development.


The bad thing is that I love Steve and it hurts to lose him. But the past six months have been painful and most of the fights have been about my ex-husband being in my life too much.  I thought that if I fixed that, everything would be okay.  I so very much wanted everything to be different and my failing was trying to walk a fine line between starting my own life and not pissing off my potential stalker.  I am working on it.  I just can't work on it fast enough. 

Who the hell breaks up with a person on Facebook?  Okay...enough said there.



The good things is that I NOW KNOW that my instincts were right about the stalking.  It is my ex-husband.  He didn't deny it!  He admitted to it with being prompted.  For the first time in 22.5 years, my ex-husband admitted to stalking.  He was stalking Steve.




So.....




I don't know. 


This makes me sick. I can't hold food down. 



I'm sick. 



Some of my friends hate Steve, so they are telling me that this is a good thing.  I still don't understand what he did to them to make them dislike him so much.



After he claimed to throw my stuff out, I realized that maybe I had misjudged him.  Perhaps he wasn't as honorable as I thought he was.  Perhaps I dodged a bullet not allowing him to move in with me.


That is why I wanted my ex out of the house.  I wanted to give Steve a chance at moving in.  He was my best friend for three years.  It was only when he wanted to amp up our relationship and my divorce agreement was ignored that we began to have serious problems.  We couldn't move forward.

It was harder than I thought it would be. 

I don't care anymore.  Things will work out as they are meant to be.  I have faith. 

I KNOW who my stalker is.  I KNOW what to do now.  It makes things a heck of a lot easier. 

*****

I was trying to use the home equity to fix up the house, so it could be sold and the proceeds split.  To get the loan, I needed was a copy of Mike's driver's license because the bank needs the ID of every occupant over the age of 18.  He is procrastinating.  I realize now that I have to wait until he moves out to do get that done.



I was trying.  I was failing.  I had hope. 
They say that hope is the twin sister of try.  Both words predict failure. 
I thought I was making progress.  I failed.

Apparently all of Steve's Facebook friends knew that I said I was solving a problem but not doing it.



Why do people triangulate like that?  Why does Steve talk to acquaintances rather than me? 

******

So, today I called Steve to arrange pick up for the chairs My ex-husband (Michael) wants.  At first, he said he wanted them for himself when he moved out.   Now, I'm thinking that it is more about claiming them (or stalking Steve by having a reason to go to his home). 




So....Steve threatened to throw them in the trash.  I've gone to his dumpster three times now.  I'm going to head out there again this evening when I am sure he isn't home so I can see if he set them out in the garbage.  If he does throw them away or keep them away from me, I'll never trust him again.  I will forever be grateful that I never let this man move in with me.  That's the hard part.  I envisioned a different life with him.  It's hard to watch that die a hard death.  If he lived here, what would he have stolen of mine?  What would he have thrown away?






The chairs were not part of the divorce agreement, so I am unsure if Michael has legal standing to take them or demand them.  He's saying that he is going to call the sheriff so they can be retrieved on Monday.  I should do that, not him. I want this taken care of.  The entire situation is making me sick.

Why can't people act like adults and be honorable? 


I looked into replacing the chairs.  It will cost a little over $300 to do so.  They are blue.  I did find some on Amazon but they were $50 each (plus shipping).  I cannot find them in blue, only gray.  So, if I earned enough money to buy news ones, Michael would know they are not the originals.


I've been making myself sick over getting the chairs.  I don't want to do that anymore. 



It's not about the chairs.



The chairs are Steve's hook and his final jab.  It's his way of hurting me.  It's his way of saying that I'm garbage.  I've dumpster dived three times hunting for those chairs.  I feel like garbage. 



The chairs are Mike's desire to take something, put me in pain by causing me to focus on what appears to be my infidelity, and could be a reason to stalk Steve further. 



To me, the chairs resemble my naiveté and too trusting nature.  Depending on how this pans out, they'll either symbolize by shitty taste in men or a nasty argument with an insecure man having a tantrum. I trusted Steve.  He obviously did not deserve my trust.  

I am still waiting to see the lawyer to get the bank account dispersed to me.  I was supposed to get it on November 1, 2013.  I originally started that process with the lawyer to move forward.  That money would help me start my new life.  I wanted to start it with Steve.  Now I have to envision something else. 

Moving out of Colorado is no longer necessary now that I know who is stalking me.  The courts will allow him to follow.  I have to deal with it until he gets bored or our kids hit the age of majority.

I also feel more confident knowing that it is Michael.  He needs me to work.  It would nix alimony and lower his child support obligation.  He won't stalk me at work.  It really helps knowing who is doing it.  It really does. 

This is my fault.  I let Steve in my life before Michael moved out.  That made me a loser.  I tried to talk to Steve about it.   He didn't seem to care.  All I wanted was a timeline for Michael.  I wanted clarity.  I took a day away from Steve to get documents signed and utilities put in my name.


That's what broke us up.  I was trying to move forward when my world came crashing down.



Now, I don't know who I knew for the past three years.  It confuses me that my friend would steal my property and not let me retrieve it.  It pisses me off more that Mike wants the chairs (he didn't want them the other months they were at Steve's house).  I want the six hours back that I've spent driving to the dumpster looking for them. 




I'll call the Sheriff on Monday to see if I can retrieve them. I'm growing tired of the game.


In truth, I couldn't be as sexy as I wanted to be because I felt bizarre having my ex-husband's energy all over my clothes when I wanted to jump my boyfriend.  My house smells like my ex-husband.  That smell is in my hair, on my clothes, in the carpet, in the paint, on my computer. It is everywhere!  I wanted a fresh start.  I wanted a new life.  I just couldn't get it together fast enough.  I wanted so much to put an end to this. 





I guess it's too late to worry about it now.  With Steve gone, the stalking will end.  It really helps knowing who it is.  It really does.  Not knowing anything concrete, not having clarity, hearing crazy stories that do not mesh - it is confusing, it keeps one off kilter.  It is hard to move forward when your ground is not solid.  I finally feel like I am on solid footing. 





As far as Steve, I'm wondering how I could have been so stupid to trust someone willing to throw away a three year friendship like that.  I was trying to invite him in my life.  I just wasn't quick enough.  I am a naïve fool.  Some people will never keep their promises.  Other people can't see anything except what they want.  These are not the people  that one should count among their friends.


I am hurt by the betrayal. 

Steve did teach me a little bit about what I want in a man.  I want a man who wants a real life relationship, not a virtual one.  The next guy is going to wait a few months before announcing our coupling on Facebook.  If he goes with me to public parties, gigs, and political events, everyone will know we are together. 

I also don't want someone who reads into everything and takes offense at innocent comments and verbally attacks me or gives me the silent treatment when he is having bad days.  I still wonder if there is an alcohol issue.  I can love the man but, alas, it will have to be at a distance.


It's a shame that I broke my bass player buddy's heart.  I drove 200 miles to see him play.  I wasn't in the audience.  I didn't go to Nick's concert because I was spending time trying to work things out with Steve.  I heard every note but I wasn't a friendly face to be found in the audience.  That hurt Nick.  I pray he finds a hot love.  It hurts me to see him alone.

Alas....I'm a fool.  I broke three hearts that day.  I should have spent the night with Nick and had a conversation about round wounds and a friendly disagreement about what I consider the useless fifth string  Of course, we're both liberty activists, so we'd probably just have complained bout RINOs.  That ship has sailed.  I screwed up by following my heart. Next time, I'm listening to my head.

Anyway, it helps hearing that Metallica song......I'm not my ex-husband's bitch.  Maybe.....it's finally over.





Love ya,




S.

Forums (With Edits)

Today I am thankful for forums. 

Someone shared this with me.  I'll do a cut and paste.  I've spent much of the past two weeks in solitude, in my recording studio. 


I need to do that when people overrun me with requests.   


I'll cut and paste below.  I want a man who will try to understand me.  Someday I'll find him. 


Oh, I have an opportunity cooking in Phoenix.  I'll let you know how it pans out.  I'm super excited.  It's just a preliminary interview but I'd love to get away from my stalker.  I have nothing holding me here now. 


Okay....here is the cut and paste.  You can find it here: http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/100682-understanding-infjs-dummies-2.html

It is not a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I am under more stress now than at any other time in my life.  I need to take time to myself to find a solution. 


So....


I'm not the only one in the world that does this.  It's nice to know.  This must be how my therapist diagnosed me as in INFJ (the needing time to myself and being able to read people).   The day she diagnosed me, I tested as an ESTP (I was in one hell of a foul mood that day).


Here goes (I'll put the relevant stuff in bold and make my comments in read):




"1. disappearing off the planet is not at all related to you; we still like/love you as much as we did before. when solitude calls, all other calls or messages may go unanswered (and we may seem horrible at keeping up with correspondence). it's just that we only have so much energy to give out socially, and when all that energy is dissipated, we have to restore it through solitude before we have anything left to give again. it's hard to describe how sensing and experiencing the feelings of everyone around us all the time can quickly sap all our emotional energy. we can't turn off that emotional sensor, even if we wanted to, and if the feelings around us are negative, they wear us down. some of us spend every minute of our days with people, or in environments thick with negative emotion, and in the evenings we have to 'recover' our energy again by being alone, so we just don't want to go out anywhere with anyone or talk/communicate. if you don't hear from us for a while, that doesn't necessarily mean anything negative, so long as you eventually hear from us. you don't want to see us when we have nothing to give (trust me on this one), and we don't want to subject you to that, either. :P

 

I wanted time to fix the stalking and get control of my life back.  I didn't want to hurt anybody.  I wanted to protect people.  I didn't want to hear negativity from my friends.  I  wanted to figure out what was going on and take care of it.  I guess that bit me in the ass. 

2. the mildness of our reactions is not at all indicative of lack of intensity of feeling about the situation - everything we feel, we feel deeply. we may not seem all that upset but may be at a point of despair inside; we're just trying to preserve harmony or your feelings by responding gently. people often have no idea how much of a flood or emotion-storm we are holding back, out of respect for their happiness or a desire to keep the peace. we forgive often for that same reason. 

 

I am in pain.  It'll probably never go away.  I still hurt when I see Thomas.  Maybe that will go away when I see Thomas with happy eyes.  I'll probably always hurt when I hear the name Steve.  It's how I am.   

3. we are more logically-minded than people get the impression that we are...read: "closeted INTP." we just keep a lot of our thoughts tightly sealed within our heads. xD case in point: i'm an INFJ engineer, and have yet to meet anyone who doesn't register shock when they find out my profession. lol

 

I am not an engineer but I used to really enjoy mathematics and science.  I've got to tell you, I cannot handle people who call me stupid all the time.  


4. we don't "change when we think others have us figured out, just because we don't want them to figure us out." people often think they have us figured out and then presume that we threw them a curve ball just to throw them off - that isn't a purposefully-thrown curve ball, that is just us being true to ourselves, those selves that others don't actually have figured out as well as they thought they did. we are many-sided creatures and until a circumstance draws out a certain side of our nature, you may never see that side of us or know it exists. we are often a walking contradiction, so we are difficult to map. my best friend of 10 years still gets shocked by me sometimes - when i unwittingly do something she totally didn't expect or anticipate out of me. so i have to say: we will surprise you...and, honestly, we can't help it. xD but frankly, we may delight in surprising people who inaccurately assume they have us figured out, because it bothers us to be negatively mislabeled (we are trying to correct their false assumptions about us). 

 

It takes me a very long time to reveal myself.  I don't think I understand myself enough to reveal everything anyway.  Today my needs are what they are.  Tomorrow they may be different.  I'm flexible.  I'm true to myself.  I like adventure, so everything is changeable.  I let other people take the lead because I get to try more new things that way.  It does not mean that I'm weak, I just like variety. 
4. we are people with feelings, too. we are aware of others' feelings and try to reach out to them when they are hurting or protect them from pain. this comes naturally and we can't not care when we sense someone else's pain. it sometimes hits us when we are in deep pain ourselves and feel the need of human support, how alone we are. i feel so selfish writing this, but it probably needs to be said. we realize others are most likely unaware that we are hurting, but we may long for, or even inaccurately expect, others to be able to read our unspoken pain the way we read that of others. our most desperate heart's cry is often for someone to protect us the way we try to protect others, to sense our pain and reach out to comfort us without being asked. what we give to others is how we would want to be treated. sometimes the world feels painfully one-sided in this respect. 

 

I want to reach out but I don't want to offend.  This is probably why my ex-husband is still here.  I don't like to see him suffering.  I don't like to see our granddaughter come over and cry for her Grandpa, that is why I signed the agreement allowing him here every Sunday and holiday once he moves out. 

 

I'd feel better giving him the house and moving out than shoving him out on the sidewalk with a suitcase.  I don't want to cause another person pain just because I want to move forward.  I want everyone to move forward in the best manner possible for them as individuals.

5. if you think we are flirting with you, unfortunately, it is likely that we aren't. (it's when we don't appear to be flirting with you that we are probably the most interested, since it seems that many of us get more shy or less socially-skilled around those who capture our interest). classic lists of "flirting signals" (with the exception of touch that goes beyond hugging or kisses on the cheek, depending on cultural background) often do not apply to us, since we tend to behave that way out of concern for others' feelings, or to make them feel good about themselves, or because we care about them, or simply in order to establish friendly rapport with them. in other words, we may act that way towards everyone. xD for instance, there are people in the world who smile and engage others for reasons other than romantic interest; there are people who playfully tease their friends, etc. so please know we aren't sending romantic signals ~ we really are just being friendly. Fe has a way of sometimes being mistaken as flirting when addressed towards the opposite sex. 

 

This is how I have met all of my loves.  They were happy accidents.   This is also why I am avoiding Facebook messaging.  Too many men think I want them.  Okay, it is just one guy.  He's not what I want, so he is one too many.   


6. we are often more silly and goofy than we initially appear to be, and love to be playful in our own way. don't be fooled by the serious, pained look in our eyes - think "comic relief." :) you will see that side of us if/when we become comfortable showing it around you. and we've always had that side, even if we've known you for years and this is the first time you've seen it. :P

 

I have a playful sexuality.  I wish I could relax enough to express it.  I only wanted one partner for the rest of my life.  I guess I screwed that up.  When I find someone who cares to understand me, it's going to take the poor guy a long time to let me do all the fun stuff I want to do. 


7. we know more about people around us than we let on that we know. if someone is trying to fake us out, we usually know it, and that doesn't mean we'll stop being nice to them. in other words, it only looks like naivete. xD we've probably all had the experience of - at some point - letting on what we know about someone and getting comments like, "are you psychic?" or "how did you know that?" it's not really easy to pull stuff over on us...and inwardly we are irresistibly magnetized towards the most candid, honest, genuine people around us. (the longer we live, the more we use our Ti to logically confirm the initial impressions of Ni, because we learn that through projection we sometimes read people completely wrong...)

 

Most intuitive people are like this.  Some people try to take advantage of me which brings me to the #8.


8. about the infamous "INFJ doorslam": there is nothing INFJ about it; it is something common to every personality type. every MBTI type has limits beyond which they can no longer stand to interact with someone, or deal with something, in their life. it just seems more sudden and inexplicable where it is the least expected; and, simply, people don't expect that out of us, because they have misread us the whole time they knew us. people don't realize that we have personal boundaries, just like everyone else in the world. depending on our individual background, we may be willing to tolerate for a long time what many others would not tolerate at all, because we care about others and want to protect their feelings or preserve relational harmony (since disharmony is so difficult for us to bear that it can make us physically ill). tolerance isn't implicit permission. others often seem to believe our patience is limitless and push it as if it were such. our limits may be wider than the average, but they do exist. we often don't find it prudent to publicize our limits because there are sadistic individuals in the world who will use that information to torment us.

if we do finally close a door, it is when we can stand absolutely no more, any longer, without our psyche being (quite literally) destroyed. (there are people of every type who "doorslam" arbitrarily without significant or serious cause, and i'm not referring to people like that.) it is not as sudden as it appears. because our feelings are so deeply implicated in everything that they affect our physical health, we need closure and "clean breaks" to preserve sanity and health. everyone faces hard choices at some point in their life - for an INFJ, the choice may be between a relationship and their sanity; cut them some slack if they have to make the difficult decision in favor of sanity. the best way to interact with an INFJ is not to outrageously stretch the limits of human kindness or patience in the first place.

 

This is where the stalking has pushed me.  I'm livid.  I'm scheming.  I'm working on it. I don't care if anyone believes me.  They'll know when I've found my 'effing solution.

 

It will be swift. 

 

As far as physical illness.  I've had migraines for two weeks.  I'm bleeding out of orifices that shouldn't ever bleed.  I'm vomiting (so maybe I'll get skinny again...maybe not...the cortisol could keep me fat).  I think I have another ulcer. 

 

The fainting....what the hell is up with the fainting?  I'm going to have to see a doctor for that one.  I have fainted during times of excess stress.  I fainted when I stood up after being raped.  I fainted when I found out Mike lied about losing his job.  I fainted when I learned that my retirement was gone.  I fainted when I had a miscarriage.  I fainted when I had my very first fender bender in my Grandfather's car. 

 

I can't imagine why I would faint at a grocery store waiting to pick up some damn chairs from a guy who is now an ex-boyfriend.  That was weird.  Maybe I'm not drinking enough water?  I don't know.

 

Steve's ex label is good.  It will keep him away from the stalking drama.  It hurts me deeply but I realize now that it is for the ultimate good.   I want to kick the stalker's ass now.  He has cost me too much.  I need to get rid of my anger before I do too much to him.  Trust me, I am incredibly livid.  I'm also mad at Steve for calling me several times on one night and then communicating with me on Facebook for two weeks.  I do not like communicating on Facebook, so I muted my messages (people were getting too opinionated and one guy was getting a little too cheeky).   I didn't receive them until after his meltdown.  Michael was the one to tell me to check my messages.  UGH!!! 


I am toying with deleting the account. 

 

I did give my phone to my eldest daughter and forwarded my work calls to a Gmail/Google Voice account.  It was effective in dealing with the home phone outage.  After Shannon tried to break into the house, I realized that my kids need a phone to use when I am not at home so they can call 911. 

 

Steve taught me that I need to be alone until I get my life under control.  I sat there, trying to get Michael to come to a new agreement and sign a document while Steve was texting me about the futility of it all.  I was frustrated in that moment.  I wanted to tear my hair out.  I was only doing that so I could be fully with him.  He didn't understand. 

 

So....being alone is what I will do.  I appreciate the lesson.   May Steve find someone who can meet his needs for instant communication.  I felt pressured and pushed.  I wanted to solve my mess.  It's going to take awhile.  It's a puzzle.  I have to sneak around and solve it one piece at a time so no one can sabotage my momentum. 

 

 

Okay...I'm off to try to sleep.  I got two hours of sleep last night.  Hopefully the sleeping pills work tonight. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 


Edit later:


You know, I've been re-reading those Facebook messages I received yesterday.  I typically delete conversations which cause me pain.  Steve wrote them and blocked me, so Facebook will not let me delete them.  I log in, check my messages and see his face.  I may delete my account.  I only use Facebook to keep in touch with my political activist friends.  I need a break anyway. 


It would seem that Steve's therapist has caused an exceeding amount of trouble for him in his life.  I'm a little bit curious about who she is.  I don't think she's very good and I would think she needs reported to DORA.  She does seem to give him incredibly bad advice. 


Let me help....


First, do NOT contact someone you claim to love solely on Facebook looking seeking closure. He knew I gave my phone to my daughter because the home phones were out.  I told him that is what I planned to do when I left.  I had my clothes packed in my car.  I was ready to leave that Friday.  I just wanted my ex-husband's signature.  I realized that I cannot move forward unless I have a timeline and access to my money.  Without a timeline, I cannot plan to do all those little things I need to do so I can move forward.  I wanted a timeline because I wanted to move forward with Steve. I perceived what I was doing would further our relationship so we could eventually cohabit.  I wanted to make room in this house for the man that I perceived to be my best friend.


With all the calls in such a short span of time, I grew frustrated.  Having someone text constantly to interrupt and tell me that what I was doing was unimportant (even if I was trying to further our relationship) put me in tears.  With every call, my daughter would interrupt and bring me the phone.  I couldn't drive, so I decided to stay home.


He called several times that afternoon (many of the calls came while I was driving to the service provider's place to deal with getting the phone and internet service put into my name).  Other times, the calls came when my daughter had the phone.  It's bizarre to call me seven times in a short span of time and go silent.  I figured he was busy with his weekend visitation.  So, I didn't want to bother him.


The message I heard was just a hang-up, so he didn't say anything new to me in them. 


Two days later, he started hassling me on Facebook in front of my friends.  He said that I let an employer down (because the home phones went dead).  I don't understand that.  I wasn't offered a job.  After a back and forth that got really rude, I simply told him that I couldn't see him anymore because I couldn't meet his needs (that need is to be able to see him every Friday at 4:00).  I do believe that the stalking will initially get worse once Michael leaves the house.  I doubt it will end anytime soon.  This was my fear.  This was what I was trying to tell Steve.  He ignored me.


Steve had me captive on Facebook for a few hours.  He could have asked for closure then.  He could have called me at home (they did come back online) or on the cell phone.  He did not do those things.  All he did was make assumptions that hurt me and try to embarrass me in public.  I find it crazy to write to me two weeks later on that damn website, try to guilt me by saying that numerous therapists say that I owe him closure and end the message by saying that I had three hours to contact him or he'll get a restraining order against me is a horrible way to force a telephone call.  I got the message fifteen minutes before the time expired.  I only checked it because my stalker ex told me to.


He could have been a man and picked up the phone.  He had closure.  If he needed more, he needed to ask for it. His therapist is wrong.  I am NOT trying to keep him emotionally hooked.  He is playing games to keep me hooked.  That's what the chair business is.  That is why he never contacted me to take possession of them (text me...tell me you'll put them on the porch and to get them while you are at work...easy...).  This is why he never threw them in the trash.  I am not sure if the was the man watching me as I searched the dumpster for my stuff.  Keeping me hooked is why he never read the emails I sent in response to his.  He was trying to move the relationship faster than my circumstances would allow.  I am working on it. 

 

That is what giving me an ultimatum does.  It causes unnecessary pain. 

I think this is a horrible game.  This is the same game I had to play every three weeks with him.

 

I started to become bored with him when things that I said caused him to give me the silent treatment.  I couldn't touch him without him acting disgusted by it.  I felt like he considered me a leper.  He liked to refer to my political ideology and call people like me stupid.  He claimed I wasn't Anarchist enough (even though he threatened to use government force to guilt me into not giving him closure).  He started to mock me online.  Even the break-up texts seems to play on my stalking fears.

I thought his abhorrent behavior was due to drinking.  I thought his claiming that I was an NSA agent was due to alcohol.  I did turn the other cheek for far too long.  To tell the truth, I am beginning to severely dislike Steve because of it and I am worried about untreated alcoholism (alcoholism could explain the paranoia). 

The chair game is making me hate him (and Michael, too - see the previous post). 



Secondly, if you love someone, you can't say it's okay to let your inner jackal out and attack them while claiming that it is life affirming.  Don't criticize all the time, don't condemn constantly, and don't complain incessantly.  Talk.....in person....and don't call her weird when she wants to be intimate with you unless you want her to clam up.


When I get many Facebook messages demanding answers to deep, probing psychological questions, I want to put them off until I am free enough to ponder them.  The problem with Facebook is that I have so many friends, someone is always sending me IMs, comments and requests.  It is incredibly distracting.

I told him that Facebook is the worst way to contact me.  I knew he was pulling away from me when he stopped contacting me every day.  I know this is what he wanted.  He wanted to break up for good because I am a "stupid Libertarian" who just doesn't understand Anarchism and economics.  I just don't understand how I owe him closure but can't give it to him for fear of him abusing the local government game.    

I agree that this has to end.  It hurts but he wants more than I can give right now. 

 

Third, (this is big, so it will be in caps)

 

• LOVE DOESN'T BUILD IN A DAY.  LOVE DOESN'T DIE IN A DAY.  DON'T GIVE SOMEONE A SPAN OF FOUR HOURS TO GIVE YOU CLOSURE.
• DO NOT ASK FOR IT IN A FACEBOOK MESSAGE.  
• DO NOT THREATEN TO ABUSE THE RESTRAINING ORDER PROCESS IF SHE TRIES TO HONOR YOUR REQUEST FOR CLOSURE.  THAT IS A PROBLEM.  YOUR THERAPIST MAY SAY I OWE IT TO YOU, DON'T EXPECT IT IMMEDIATELY. 

 

Mike was stalking him.  That freaked me out.  Steve was refusing to talk to me about it without sighing heavily on the phone and cutting the conversation short.  On Facebook, he wrote that he didn't trust my perceptions.  I wrote that I didn't either but I wanted to do what it took for everyone to be safe.  We are better off being safe than sorry.  Other than that, I did not know what to say.


With all the judgments, I got to the point of not knowing how to talk to him. 


I am documenting this so that if something happens to me, everyone knows what is going on.  The first thing the cops will do is check my internet history.  I want them to know it is NOT Steve.




In real life, Steve is a good guy.  He's just a tad bit insecure and reads too much into the things I say (which causes fights).  That takes a while to fix.  This is why I wanted to pay for relationship coaching. 


On Facebook, he comes off like a crazy person.  It is NOT who he is. 


He wrote something about third parties contacting him on my behalf.  I have a stalker.  I'd like to know if he's telling the truth.  Maybe.....that third party is Michael or Shannon.  That too is keeping me emotionally hooked and scared, too.  I am unaware of third parties contacting him.


I want to know what in the world is going on. 


Last night, I didn't sleep well.  I'm off to do a ritual to Isis to break the connection.  This will be my fourth one.  I hope it works this time. 


Wish me luck. 

The Sheriff's Office (With Edits)

Tomorrow I will be thankful for the Sheriff's Office.

Michael still wants the chairs. 


I drove out to pick them out of the trash at Steve's Condo one last time.


I KNOW Steve saw me.  I came by around 8:30 p.m.  I saw him walk across the parking lot.  I didn't want to bother him, so I slowed down and waited for him to pass by before driving to the trash. 


The chairs weren't there. 


I gave him a little over an hour to put them out. I went to the store to buy offerings for Isis.


They were still not there as of 10:30 p.m..


I'll call the Sheriff in the morning to ask advice. 


I'm sure the Sheriff will tell me to text him to ask him to leave them on his porch on Monday, so I can get them while he is at work.   You can't get a restraining order until someone harasses you at least twice in a short period of time or makes a threat on your life.  I'll do my best to honor his request that I never contact him again. 

Maybe the Sheriff will call him on my behalf. 


I tried. 


I managed to complete the a second round of the walnut clearing spell.  Tomorrow I'll ask Isis to send Steve where he needs to go. 


Maybe if I get rid of this stress, the other stress will go away, too.  I need the stalking to end so I can move forward with my life.  I KNOW Michael is stalking Steve.  I want to run off.  I want a new life.

I hurt but I'm still breathing.  That's something. 


On the bright side, I think I am too numb to feel pain.  I cry but my heart isn't pounding anymore.  I nearly fainted at the store but at least I could talk through the tears.  This IS progress. 


Love ya,


S. 


Edit:  Okay, the laws in Jeffco are the same as they are where I live.  You have to have at least one police report before filing for a restraining order. 


So....they liked my idea about texting Steve to ask for the chairs to be set on his porch so I can pick them up while he is at work.  If he doesn't respond, they offered to meet me at his apartment to pick them up. 


So....hopefully the game ends.


If restraining orders were easy to get, I'd have one against my stalkers.  I have one box full of answering machine tapes, letters, emails, and other garbage.  The problem is that she doesn't do two things within a short enough period of time to warrant the restraining order.  She usually has her friends or other family members do it and by the time I figure out who these people are, the required period of time for me to act has passed.   Crazy, eh? 


I have figured out that Michael is the stalker.  His sister just helps him.  She's scarier than he is. 


I really need the restraining order against her. 


Okay....so....here we go. 


Hopefully this ends soon. 


I am going to post my communication log with him here due to his threat to file for a restraining order should I talk to him again.  


Friday afternoon (1:38 p.m.) text message asking to pick up chairs from porch. 


Saturday morning (10:30 a.m.) call asking him to call my voice mail and tell me what day I can pick up my property off of his porch. I told him that I went to the trash area three times (after 10:00 p.m. so I couldn't bother him) and never found my chairs.  Due to his complaints that I owed him closure, I told him why I couldn't date anyone (don't want them stalked).  Said that if he wanted closure, he can leave me a date and time to call him.  I muted my Facebook messages and wasn't receiving them so he wouldn't take offence to me ignoring him (I was ignoring everybody).  I told him that he is a great guy and that it would be easy for him to find someone else.


If I do not hear back by Monday with information telling me when I can pick up my chairs, I'll send a registered letter to his place of employment.


If I do not have my chairs by Saturday, I'll have a sheriff accompany me to his condo to get them back.


I want this over.    The chairs are Steve's hook to get me to call him.  The chairs are Michael's hook to keep tabs on Steve.


Just give me the damn chairs so we can end this stupid thing.

Little Joys

Today I am thankful for little joys.

I think I know what pissed Steve off. 

I answered one of my Pagan Life Coach buddy's Facebook inquiries.

He had asked what was more important Love or Money.

On his Facebook wall, for the entire world to see, I told him that I thought the most important thing was love.  I believed with all of my heart that love could heal the world.  I believed that no mountain could be insurmountable with love. 

I was wrong.  It took a financial crisis (my money being kept from me and my fears surrounding taking new clients due to the stalking) to get me to realize that I needed money before I could engage in a love affair.  That, in the end, we need balance.  We need the ability to take care of our selves before we can take care of others.  We need to put gas in our own cars before we can drive anyone else around.  I also said that once I find work, I will aim for a love that is more respectful and less demanding.

This man works with Linda coaching people in need.  Linda is the lady who thinks Steve is my true love. 

Steve must have seen that and blocked me an hour later. 

I need any love affair that I am a part of to be more respectful and less demanding.  I am Pagan.  I am Libertarian.  I am not stupid nor am I a statist.  I am tired of being the projecting board for another person's self-imposed judgments. 

I felt pressured by Steve.  I found myself not taking clients on Fridays or Saturdays because those are really the only days we could be together.  I found myself stressing out about when I could take certain jobs (not during Pagan Festivals or trips we've planned together).  It was hard trying to build a new life while the old one was still hanging on. 

I feel freer.  I am looking into working for a temporary agency just to learn some new skills. 

In the beginning, I thought I could be with Steve.  He was my best friend.  I thought I'd have money for a new start.  I thought the stalking would end.  I envisioned a beautiful life beginning Nov. 1, 2013.  It did not happen.  I am still in the same place I was the day I met Steve, waiting for a timeline so I know what I can do.

The only difference is that now, the money I borrowed to get through the divorce and begin my business is swiftly dwindling.  I can't afford to wait for Mike to move before getting a real job.  He'll probably know where I'm working.  I will choose an employer with great security. 

I am working on it. 

Given the stalking, it is incredibly freeing knowing that the world knows it's over between Steve and I.  Mike knows it's over.  I feel like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders because everyone is safe.  It was creepy seeing Steve's Dad's picture pop up on my ex-husband's computer.  That, coupled with Mike's updates about Steve's postings only confirmed what the cops had been telling me all along.  Mike is my stalker and the only way to stop it is to go no-contact or refuse to see other men. 



I wish Steve would have believe me.  This is stalking.  I am scared. 


I am beginning to regret not changing my name during the divorce.  Maybe I should be Jane Doe.  That's anonymous, right? 


I think the damage around the house and the weird stuff going on over here is intended to scare me into believing that Shannon is acting outside of Michael.  Every time I see the damage (the holes in the walls or the damaged door jams) I feel a tremendous surge of anxiety in my body.  I need to re-paint or move.  That will be the first step to changing my body's response to living in the house.  I need to get rid of the stimuli.   

I'm still not sure if the kids are safe.  Mike spoke about suicide.  Now he's recanted.  I don't know what to think.  I'm working on getting each of the girls their own phone.  They need it in order to be safe.

This is my mess.  I need to clean it up. 

I am working on it. 

*****

I have been busy in the past two weeks.



I was able to get approved for health insurance for the first time in eight years today.  They tried to put me on food stamps.  I don't want food stamps.  I just want cut rate insurance so I can comply with the law. 


I was finally also able to get the previous home owners bill cleared with Comcast, so I'll have VOIP in the next ten days or so.  I'm pretty sure I can sell enough vocal recordings to pay that bill.


I signed up for a website that has modules on various computer programs.  The local workforce center will test me on those skills so I can verify them with an employer.  This is making me feel hopeful that I can hold a real job in addition to having my own business. 


Next, I have to look into cheaper auto and home insurance. 


This is going to be a slow process.  I do not want the house.  Michael does want it.  I've put off doing some of these things because I was unsure if I'd be the one moving out.  I decided that I'll act in accordance to the divorce agreement which states that the house is mine and that I am to stay here with the children.  I can port the services with me should we alter the agreement so I can move out.


I have to nix the home improvement loan because Michael isn't cooperating with me.  They want copies of the IDs of anyone living at the house.  He's not providing that.  So....that'll have to wait until he moves out.  If I could fix the house enough to sell it, we'd be better off financially in the short term.  We couldn't talk to each other when we were married.  Why did I think we could talk to each other now?  I am so tired of arguing, I just want to hide for a couple of months and stay silent. 


I'll just go with the flow right now. 


My job coach wants to know why I am so down on myself.  I keep thinking that people that love me claim I'm a sociopath.  How can I look for work as a counselor when I come off as a sociopath? 


I did take the Big5 Personality test.  I'm 49% extroverted and a little bit on the neurotic side now.  The test results will change in accordance to life experiences.  If I take it after a year of no stalking, I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self.  Even after what I've gone through, I did not test like a sociopath. 


Still, when a potential employer asks  what my weaknesses are, I think of the dumb, sociopathic, loser judgments that Steve made and I feel like crying.  


In fact, I've spent much of the past two weeks in tears.   


That's okay.

The tears have to come out so I can heal and move on.   


It's hard to read email after email claiming that I am a liar.  I can't believe that I let someone that cruel into my life. 


It's a lesson.  I need to be a better judge of character.  I'm in shock. 


The walnut spell did not work. 


I tried to do a cord cutting.


I'll do it again tonight. 


I don't want to wipe Steve's energy with my last thought being mean towards him.  I want to wipe it with joy and love.  I guess that is what makes mean, cutting, and cruel behavior hard to deal with.  It makes it hard for me to think of him with kindness.  I know he puts me down to hurt me.  I asked for time.  If that was inconsiderate and unkind, I'm sorry.  I'm doing the best that I can with what is in my life right now.


Tomorrow morning, I'll ask Isis why she brought him into my life and beg her to remove the negativity so we can both move on.  I've been in pain since October.  I thought I could solve this.  I thought my life would be different right now. 


I am realizing that maybe Michael is here for a reason.  I'll just go with it.  He'll leave when I learn the right lesson. 


Michael asked me to tell Steve that we are reconciling.  Um.......um......why?


Goddess help me.


If any other small miracles come around today, I'll let you know.  It sucks being poor because everything takes so much longer to accomplish!!! 


Love ya,


S. 

P.S.   I would like Michael to have the chairs because he has paired the thought of them with a new apartment.


If Steve wants to keep them, that's okay.  I can replace them for $200.  I don't want to drive by the trash a third time to look for them.  I've left his parking lot too many times in tears because I can't clean up my life.  It's led to so many fights and tears.  I can't bear to go into the area again. 


Steve could consider donating them to Goodwill or something.  It would make him less of a jerk and he could get a tax donation out of it. 


Unless the Sheriff calls.  If Michael called the Sheriff, he may want to hand those over to the cops.  I'll write here if I hear anything. 


Gosh...this is annoying.  Don't ask questions and then threaten someone for answering!!!!  I don't need that drama in my life. 


Oh well....I am beginning to understand what is going on.  My lesson from Steve is that if a man claims that his other exes are narcissists, he's probably going to say the same thing about you.




I'm still healing.  So, in some ways things are finally looking up!