Dysfunctional Family Roles

I know why Shannon stalks me.  I know why Mike lets her.

This realization began with a dream about something my sister said to me years ago.

When I was a teenager,  I had a short stint as a model in the mid-eighties.  I learned that I could not invite my sister to jobs, events or parties.  If I let her go anywhere with me, she'd wind up beating me up and ripping my clothes.  I never understood why she did that.

I did the only thing I could do: I stopped inviting her to events.

When we grew up, she told me that when she felt that I looked better than her she felt the need to put me in my place.  She wanted to make me look ugly so she could be the prettiest person in the room.

If I had known that, I could have bought her clothes, too.  

My mother had always told my sister that she was the pretty and dumb one.  That is sad because my sister is wickedly smart.   My mother told me that I was hit by an ugly stick and a brainiac.   My sister could date.  I could not.  My sister was rewarded for poor grades.  I was beaten for every letter grade beneath an A-.  

It wasn't all that bad.  I wasn't raised by my mother.  I was raised by my grandparents.  When my mother hit me, my grandmother would tend to curtail visits. 

Still, mom was in a position of authority over us.  Those lessons sting.

My sister beat me up because I wasn't playing my mother's game.  I wasn't letting her be the more beautiful and stupid than I. 

*****

I am realizing that this may be what is going on with my sister-in-law, Shannon.

In 1995, Shannon told me that she likes upsetting people.  She likes spreading gossip, lying, hitting, throwing things, and generally causing trouble because the toxic outgrowth of that gives her an energy rush. 

This was about the time she was breaking into our rental home, calling constantly, and meddling in my job.  This was also the year she would take entire paychecks from her brother. 


In 1997, we married.  Michael took my life savings and bought a house in the boonies and took my car.  I left my job due to the transportation issue.

Fast forward to 1999, I wanted to work.  Michael had been married to me for two years.  Every job I had taken was met with abuse and harassment.  His family and friends would call incessantly. 


I got an internship with the DAs office that would lead to a $35,000 per year job.  That did not last long.


It did not help that one of Mike's friends was being investigated by this district attorney for the murder of his baby daughter.  This guy would call me incessantly and ask me to do things to his file.  I never did. .  I was working on being transferred to another office just to get away from the calls.

In my real life, I have a phonetically common name.  The odds of this man knowing where I worked is next to nothing.  I wish I knew who told him where I worked and what I was doing.  I betcha it was Michael. 

All the while, my mother-in-law would call me at home to constantly complain about my working.  She claimed that Michael didn't want me to work and that I should quit.  When I asked Michael about it, he denied it.

Then, too.  He didn't cooperate with my job.  He'd play the same games he does now with taking my vehicles and money.

I was fired as a victim's advocate with the DA because one day my boss called and Michael threatened me in the background.  Michael was raging like a lunatic.  My boss claimed I was a battered woman.  I agreed to leave the job to pursue my master's degree in psychology.  That went in the file.  It looks better than hypocrital victim's advocate who lets her husband yell at her.

So, I went to graduate school.  The day I enrolled, the shit hit the fan. 

It started with a phone call from Michael's Aunt Carol.  She told me that I needed to drop out of school because NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO OUT-PERFORM SHANNON.

All through graduate school, I was stalked.  Shannon became a student there.  Shannon tried to spread rumors to my professors.  When my academic advisor told me that my husband was having his sister harass him in the hopes that I'd quit school, I became livid.

It was the same pattern as before, chronic phone calls to people in positions of authority, then visiting them.  Shannon went so far as to try to get a job at the department, telling them that she had to do that to force me to talk to her. 

It made me look like a bad psychology student, living in the midst of such dysfunction.  He said that I should not go into counseling until these people were out of my life.

I cut my hours down to quarter-time to avoid Shannon.  I thought we went no-contact with them in 2001.  I would later learn that Michael was still talking to them but keeping me out of the loop.

That's okay.  This is why I do not recognize them when they follow me.  I have no relationship with them.

Now, I am realizing that the stalking picks up when I do anything other than stay home. 

Harassing my colleagues at work was probably the same issue cropping up.  They harass third parties to try to get me to take a course of action.  They spread gossip in the hopes that people will take action against me. 

The last time they harassed a colleague, they pretended to be an angry, misdiagnosed client.  At the time, my client base solely consisted of artists who wanted to be more creative.  I never saw people with mental health issues.  I referred them to the numerous other therapists in the building.   It bothered me to have to explain that to my landlord.  She's a famous therapist.  Damn....the last thing I need is an in-law trying to vilify me for being a hypnotherapist.  It didn't work.  The therapist was famous for her work with Narcissistic family systems.  She knew exactly what was going on.

I left my office.  I did not want to subject anyone else to that. 

In truth, they rarely harass me directly.  They had someone I never met grab me on the street and call me Satan.  He resembled Michael (except his skin was a little darker), so I knew it was one of them.  Also, Michael called within minutes to ask if I was okay.  I knew it was them.   

Yes, they do most of their stalking in the shadows.

*****

Mike keeps talking about promises he made to his mother in his youth.  He promised to always be there.  He promised to never miss a holiday.  He promised that he would take care of his mother in her old age. 

I'm wondering if they think I am on the hook for these promises, too?

Considering my mother-in-law calls to ask if I'll clean up her house, I am beginning to wonder when that contract is null and void.

Does this end when they realize we divorced?
Does this end when Michael moves out of the house?
Will it end if I get a male roommate?
Do I have to move out of state?


Right now, I am trying to tap into the home equity to reinforce the doors, repair the gutter, replace the furnace, hot water heater, and carpets.  I also have an appointment with a home alarm specialist.


If it doesn't stop the stalking, at least my house will be ready to sell should I move out of state.

Love ya,

S.


Edit later that night: 






I spoke to Michael about the stalking and the reasons his sister gives for it.






You know something....she does say that it is to "put [me] in my place."  This is a common theme in her letters, phone calls, and emails to me.  I guess that could explain the religious stuff, too.  Perhaps I am supposed to follow a twisted version of the Biblical "honor her mother and father" commandment.  It is not uncommon for her mother to call and ask me to do those chores around the house that Shannon refuses to do.  The problem, though, is that this woman has lied so much about me that I fear visiting her.  If I help her, she'll lie about me.  The last time I helped her, she said I threatened her.  After that, I have found that it is best to stay away.  The threats are projection, I have tapes of her voice mail messages where she threatens to beat up members of her family if I do not do what they say.  Be warned - if I ever get another message like that, I'm filing for a restraining order. 




It is a dysfucktional family.  I did not adhere to my role.  They are trying to run me off.



I think I KNOW how to put a stop to it. 



I just can't talk about it or it will defeat the purpose of stopping it because they'll know what I'm going to do.
. 


This is going to be easy. 




I'm no longer a part of the family.  The rules don't apply. 




This is will work. 




I know it will. 


If it doesn't, I'm getting a restraining order against Michael.