A Better Metaphor

 Today I am thankful for metaphors in movies.

I've been pondering this scene today.

I am realizing that sometimes when it comes to head and control games,

"The only winning move is NOT to play."

*****

The games have made me sick. 

I have paired the memory of Steve with bloody vomit.

I have paired the memory of Michael with fainting. 

I don't care what happens now. 

No man is worth the pain my physical body is in.

I'll try to get in to see a physician once I get my new insurance card.   The anemia is not easy to deal with. 

*****

I may contact the Sheriff tomorrow so I can get the chairs.  If he advises that I send a letter to Steve, I will.  If he wants to send an officer to meet me at his condo, I will. 

I want this done.

I also left a silver and carnelian ring at Steve's house.  

That's okay. 

I dodged a bullet, didn't I? 

I nearly let this man move in with me.  I nearly gave him access to everything I owned.  If he's quick to threaten to throw my things my away and ignore me when I try to get them back, what could he have done with more valuable and sentimental items?

The only thing that held me back was that my ex-husband never moved out.  I packed him up.  He's still here.  

Perhaps I owe my ex-husband a debt of thanks.  If he had move out, Steve would have been allowed here.  What would have happened then?

I am still in shock. 

Why would someone be so petty?

I guess we never really know someone until we break up with them. 

The weird thing is that I feel like I'm getting harassed by petty men in stereo.  That thought makes me feel like vomiting.....again. 

*****

I haven't slept more than two hours in three days. 

I'm going to try to get back to sleep this morning. 

My stomach burns.

I can't hold down food. 

No man is worth this. 

No game is worth this.

Any man who puts me through this isn't worth the time of day. 

*****

The Goddess must have someone better in store for me.  

I'll leave an offering at the altar and thank her for opening my eyes to who Steve is. 

Perhaps I should be kinder to my ex-husband.  He sat with me for two hours explaining how he abused me during our marriage.  He said that he saw those things in Steve (which is why he stalked him....allegedly....I don't know).

I guess I need to be thankful that I saw the truth in both men. 

If Michael hadn't stalked me, I wouldn't have needed time to collect my thoughts.  I wouldn't have withdrawn.  I wouldn't have seen Steve for who he was. 

I am still in shock.

At least I feel stronger. 

I'll give it a couple of days before making huge plans.

I feel sick.  I think I've felt sick for over a year.  It seems like Steve became difficult the moment he declared his love for me.  Once I started spending time with him, he became worse.

I believed that it was projection.  Then I believed he was working out the baggage from his past relationship.  I was doing that, too.  Who am I to judge?  I thought we'd love each other through it.

Perhaps everything happens for a reason. 

A friend doesn't treat a friend in the manner Steve treated me. 

*****

Being angry at unjust treatment is the true test of being a Wiccan.  If I can get through this without throwing one curse, I'll know that I'm handling it well.

It is so easy to think things like.....I wish someone would do this to Steve so he can see how it feels.

No, I really don't want that.  Why wish for more negativity in the world?

The worst thought I had is that I NEVER want to see his face again.  Even that could be a bad wish. ,Steve could get into an accident or lose his face in a fire.

I'm trying to keep my thoughts pure in the face of abuse.

I am trying to pass the test.

I consider myself a white witch.  I have used dark magick (to bring wrongdoing of politicians out in the open to create transparency).  I detest black magick.  It is rarely good.  It is not right.  It hurts more people than it helps.

The most powerful magick is a prayer to God in the name of Jesus.  Many Pagans I knew have put away their cauldrons in favor of the cross. 

*****

I've been dreaming of demons.  This morning, during my two hour sleep, I had a dream where a demon claimed that Steve sold his soul.  In that dream, I prayed to the Christian God asking that Steve be saved.  The demon became frustrated and went away. 

I hope someone is praying to save Steve from his demons. 


Love ya,


S.