Today I am thankful for walnuts.
Steve did something incredibly slimy. I'm not sure I want to write about it.
After all the abusive emails, they started going into an archived folder. I do not know how to take the archive off. Apparently he sent me a message on Friday. I just found it.
I muted all of my conversations on Facebook. I couldn't handle my friend Amy. She hates Steve and I didn't want to read about it, so I muted everyone.
Every time I wanted to talk to Steve to make sure he understood that I wasn't rejecting him but needing to break it off to work on my situation, he'd write something snarky about me on his wall or mock me in some fashion, so I'd put off the communications for 24 hours. I checked at 2:00 on Tuesday and found myself blocked. It felt like relief, really. The last time he did that, he had a love interest. I assumed he found someone new.
Two weeks ago, I told him that I feared the stalking. I feared that he was being stalked. I feared dating someone right now and it would be best not to be together. I wanted to give him the confidence to see other women. He's impatient. He wants what he wants now. I can't give it to him.
The last correspondence I had with him was Monday. It was on my Facebook wall when I mentioned finding damage to the front door. He never responded. Maybe he finally understood the gravity of the situation.
I can only make love to my best friend. Apparently Steve never wanted to be my friend.
I can only make love to my best friend. Apparently Steve never wanted to be my friend.
*****
I am realizing that it is better for us not to be together. I don't blame him. My situation is pretty flippin' weird. I'm not sure if that's why he attacks me and calls me names. Up until today, I believed that it was an issue with me. Now, I'm thinking that he never loved me just because of the nature of his communication towards me. He used to talk about how he had to date someone out of his league and parade the relationship on Facebook in order to impress famous economists. Three weeks ago, he lied and told everyone he was cohabiting with a woman. I naturally assumed he found someone else but later found out he was claiming to be living with me. When confronted, he said he had to impress other people by showing that we were serious about each other. That hurt. I began to realize that there was a big chance that he didn't love me after all. I also realized that I needed time and space to clean up my mess.
*****
Well....apparently, over the past week Steve has been sending me judgmental messages on Facebook. There were no phone calls, just the Facebook instant messages. In those, he says I don't know what I need. I don't communicate what I need. He said that I was the only woman in the world to not like being sexually desired (not true...I just don't want to wear my sexuality on my sleeve. I get too much attention as it is...). He said something about some other woman writing on his social networking profiles and thinking it was me. He also said that I owed him an explanation (thought he had that) and that I was trying to keep an emotional connection but then he blocked me and said if I contacted him he would get a restraining order (so there goes any closure he felt that I owed him).
He went on and on before complaining about some chairs I lent to him. I got the sense that he wanted me to pick them up in order to help him severe the connection. He told me to contact him by 5:00 or he'd throw them in the trash. I got the message around 4:45 p.m.
So...Michael wanted the chairs to take with him when he moves. So, we went to pick them up around 6:00 p.m. He drove to the trash receptacle Steve uses. They weren't there.
I went to pick them up by myself around 11:00 p.m. They weren't there.
Now, the rules of the last message state that I cannot contact Steve or have a third party contact him or he'll file for a restraining order. I have NOT spoken to him in two weeks because he was very impatient on the phone when I tried to describe my reluctance to leave the kids at home without a working phone. He called me seven times within the span of two hours (when I didn't have my phone BTW). It doesn't look like he's called in a couple of weeks. That's okay. I thought he understood that I needed to fix this.
I haven't texted with him in two weeks because the text messages I received from him were fairly mean and I wasn't sure my texts would be welcome. All he did was claim that I had nothing better to do than to be with him. He also complained that getting documents signed by my ex was a colossal waste of time. I did that to be with him. I want this to end. I am realizing that it may never end.
Three days ago, Mike and I finally came to an agreement. If I can pay Michael $5,000 he'll move out. Once he signs over the account to me, this can be done.
But Steve....with him gone...I have no reason to push the issue anymore. Having Mike here keeps men away. I'm not going to push it. He can stay as long as he wants. I don't care. I'm sure this will put an end to the stalking. If I don't see anyone else, I'm pretty sure the stalking will end. I know Michael is the stalker. I caught him stalking Steve today!
Yep....I found Steve's messages this afternoon because Michael texted me and told me to check them. He was stalking Steve's page (UGH!!!) and I told him that I did not want to hear about it so I ignored what he said. If Steve blocks me, it is because he doesn't want me to know anything. It is not my place to look. I do not want anyone reporting anything to me.
This is why breaking up is a good thing. I hate the stalking. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry. I am crying now. I know I'll probably never be free of it....ever. This hurts. I feel lonely and incredibly stuck.
I didn't know how to respond to Steve's messages. The conversations were muted, so I didn't get them until yesterday. For the past two weeks, he had been obnoxious and demanding. He never really asked why I felt the way I did. He was diagnosing me, mocking me, and criticizing me. Typically when he emails and texts me when he doesn't get what he wants, he is incredibly emotionally abusive. He calls me everything from stupid to sociopathic. It's painful to see that from someone you love enough to tell what is going on in your life. I'm having a hard time trusting now.
Okay....the break-up is a good thing. I could never do anything right for Steve. I need a man who will let me play in the bedroom (see....I do have needs that I talk about). I need a guy who wants to experiment. I need a guy who won't embarrass me on my Facebook page by claiming that I "let down employers" when I am job searching or claiming that I stood him up or saying that he "doubts my perception" about the stalking. I doubt my perception, too. Right now, I just want everyone to be safe. That is my goal. I think I'm going to reach it.
I'm tired.
I'm a little scared for Steve. Steve has been saying bizarre things about fairies and spells. I don't know if he's mocking my religion or if he's serious. He posted a picture of himself wearing a wig with my hair color and some bizarre reflection in his glasses. He also claimed to be directly descended from fairies. That's another reason I couldn't respond to his criticisms. Is he drinking? Is he mocking me? Is he insane? I thought I'd let him come around and talk to me in person without the game playing.
When I write about entities and spells, I'm joking. It's fiction and I state that quite clearly (look to the right). I don't think he's joking. Maybe he's just being a jerk.
He was claiming, for awhile, that I was hired by the NSA to stalk him. Then he claimed to be stalking me because he stalks sociopaths who lack empathy before proceeding to promise to harass me in the future. At this point, I am unsure of who I am dealing with.
Does he need help? Ugh....I can't get involved. He has made it clear that I cannot get involved. I'm sure his mom will ask him to get help. I'm worried but what can I do other than pray?
The restraining order thing bothers me quite a bit. I do not understand why someone would threaten to get a restraining order against a human being who he's angry at for not communicating with him enough? That's weird. For a stalking victim, abusing restraining orders is a little bit of an insult. Maybe he's mocking me again? If so, my friends are right. I do put up with a lot from men.
Then he chides me for not being Libertarian because I support government services. Going to court for a restraining order is probably a very un-Anarchistic thing to do, especially if you use them to threaten another person.
That feels slimy. I don't know how to communicate with him because I don't like being called names. I am beginning to wonder if he's a covert narcissist (he fits the criteria when he is around me) but it really is not my place to judge him. I am spending a lot of time thinking about non-violent communication and how he continually engaged in the four d's of destruction (especially diagnoses and demands.....those are biggies).
My mentor told me to fly free and wait for the right man. He said that all those negative comments were killing my energy and making me doubt myself. He wants me to clear my mind of them and see if I can get to the place I was three years ago (before I met Steve). The stalking picked up when I met Steve in 2011 (so I don't blame him). I think his paranoia was rubbing off on me and making me feel more anxious than usual. I've lived with the stalking for 22.5 years. I should know how to cope with it, right?? Maybe??? I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm trying to sort everything out. It's confusing.
I'm going to try to put this out of my mind and pray that we will go to the people that we were meant to be with.
Oh....and I will not miss being compared to his crazy exes. UGH!! He claims they were narcissistic and that they could talk about what they wanted. Sure...of course they would. Right now....all I want is to be safe and find an anonymous job. Once that is done and I can be self-supporting, then I can focus on other things. Right now, I am in survival mode. I want to survive.
Anyway.....since Steve is big on spells now (or pretending to be into that), I'll post this for him. It would be best to do this before Friday. It's not the spell that makes it work. It is the meditation, visualization, and intent. Focus on that.
Fare thee well....
I'll try to talk Michael out of wanting the chairs, otherwise Steve will have a cop at his door on Saturday. The chairs were probably just a rouse to get me to contact him. If I do? What do I say that will not create a scene?
I love him -but- I can't deal with this right now. I've got so much going on that I do not have time for these games. I was trying to look out for his safety. I guess he showed me the kind of man he truly is. I hope I can forget him. He was a mistake. The weirdest part is that I considered asking him to move here once I got my financial house in order. I guess I'm lucky I learned that he was not interested in being a friend to me. My lover must be my friend.
Sigh....I'm not sleeping. This is rough.
Oh, I need to avoid Facebook. I set up an account for my daughter today and it thrust a picture of my high school sweetheart in her face telling her that he was a person she knew. How? They've never met!
I find myself wondering why in the world can't Thomas (my old flame) post a picture where he doesn't have such sad eyes? Why is he so sad? He's a good man. He should have good things. Damn....come Friday I'll be praying for two men I dated to find what they need to be happy. This has got to stop!!!
Love ya,
S.
To Break off a relationship or contact with a specific person
* You will need….
6 Walnuts
Iron Pot
Water
(Make sure this is what you want, because apparently this spiritual cleansing bath works!)
* Begin with 1 quart of Water Boil 6 Walnuts, un-shelled in an Iron pot, for about 3 hours, adding water as required
This will eventually turn to a hot black liquid
Fill the Bath tub half way with water
Mix the boiled Walnut mixture into the bath water
Bathe for 8 minutes in the bath water and walnut mixture
Immerse yourself in the bathwater 7 times
Pray to end the connection/relationship
IMPORTANT: THOW THE WALNUTS AWAY AS FAR AWAY FROM YOUR HOME (AND OFFICE) AS POSSIBLE.
Fare thee well....
May Isis bring Steve another to fill the void in his heart.