Little Joys

Today I am thankful for little joys.

I think I know what pissed Steve off. 

I answered one of my Pagan Life Coach buddy's Facebook inquiries.

He had asked what was more important Love or Money.

On his Facebook wall, for the entire world to see, I told him that I thought the most important thing was love.  I believed with all of my heart that love could heal the world.  I believed that no mountain could be insurmountable with love. 

I was wrong.  It took a financial crisis (my money being kept from me and my fears surrounding taking new clients due to the stalking) to get me to realize that I needed money before I could engage in a love affair.  That, in the end, we need balance.  We need the ability to take care of our selves before we can take care of others.  We need to put gas in our own cars before we can drive anyone else around.  I also said that once I find work, I will aim for a love that is more respectful and less demanding.

This man works with Linda coaching people in need.  Linda is the lady who thinks Steve is my true love. 

Steve must have seen that and blocked me an hour later. 

I need any love affair that I am a part of to be more respectful and less demanding.  I am Pagan.  I am Libertarian.  I am not stupid nor am I a statist.  I am tired of being the projecting board for another person's self-imposed judgments. 

I felt pressured by Steve.  I found myself not taking clients on Fridays or Saturdays because those are really the only days we could be together.  I found myself stressing out about when I could take certain jobs (not during Pagan Festivals or trips we've planned together).  It was hard trying to build a new life while the old one was still hanging on. 

I feel freer.  I am looking into working for a temporary agency just to learn some new skills. 

In the beginning, I thought I could be with Steve.  He was my best friend.  I thought I'd have money for a new start.  I thought the stalking would end.  I envisioned a beautiful life beginning Nov. 1, 2013.  It did not happen.  I am still in the same place I was the day I met Steve, waiting for a timeline so I know what I can do.

The only difference is that now, the money I borrowed to get through the divorce and begin my business is swiftly dwindling.  I can't afford to wait for Mike to move before getting a real job.  He'll probably know where I'm working.  I will choose an employer with great security. 

I am working on it. 

Given the stalking, it is incredibly freeing knowing that the world knows it's over between Steve and I.  Mike knows it's over.  I feel like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders because everyone is safe.  It was creepy seeing Steve's Dad's picture pop up on my ex-husband's computer.  That, coupled with Mike's updates about Steve's postings only confirmed what the cops had been telling me all along.  Mike is my stalker and the only way to stop it is to go no-contact or refuse to see other men. 



I wish Steve would have believe me.  This is stalking.  I am scared. 


I am beginning to regret not changing my name during the divorce.  Maybe I should be Jane Doe.  That's anonymous, right? 


I think the damage around the house and the weird stuff going on over here is intended to scare me into believing that Shannon is acting outside of Michael.  Every time I see the damage (the holes in the walls or the damaged door jams) I feel a tremendous surge of anxiety in my body.  I need to re-paint or move.  That will be the first step to changing my body's response to living in the house.  I need to get rid of the stimuli.   

I'm still not sure if the kids are safe.  Mike spoke about suicide.  Now he's recanted.  I don't know what to think.  I'm working on getting each of the girls their own phone.  They need it in order to be safe.

This is my mess.  I need to clean it up. 

I am working on it. 

*****

I have been busy in the past two weeks.



I was able to get approved for health insurance for the first time in eight years today.  They tried to put me on food stamps.  I don't want food stamps.  I just want cut rate insurance so I can comply with the law. 


I was finally also able to get the previous home owners bill cleared with Comcast, so I'll have VOIP in the next ten days or so.  I'm pretty sure I can sell enough vocal recordings to pay that bill.


I signed up for a website that has modules on various computer programs.  The local workforce center will test me on those skills so I can verify them with an employer.  This is making me feel hopeful that I can hold a real job in addition to having my own business. 


Next, I have to look into cheaper auto and home insurance. 


This is going to be a slow process.  I do not want the house.  Michael does want it.  I've put off doing some of these things because I was unsure if I'd be the one moving out.  I decided that I'll act in accordance to the divorce agreement which states that the house is mine and that I am to stay here with the children.  I can port the services with me should we alter the agreement so I can move out.


I have to nix the home improvement loan because Michael isn't cooperating with me.  They want copies of the IDs of anyone living at the house.  He's not providing that.  So....that'll have to wait until he moves out.  If I could fix the house enough to sell it, we'd be better off financially in the short term.  We couldn't talk to each other when we were married.  Why did I think we could talk to each other now?  I am so tired of arguing, I just want to hide for a couple of months and stay silent. 


I'll just go with the flow right now. 


My job coach wants to know why I am so down on myself.  I keep thinking that people that love me claim I'm a sociopath.  How can I look for work as a counselor when I come off as a sociopath? 


I did take the Big5 Personality test.  I'm 49% extroverted and a little bit on the neurotic side now.  The test results will change in accordance to life experiences.  If I take it after a year of no stalking, I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self.  Even after what I've gone through, I did not test like a sociopath. 


Still, when a potential employer asks  what my weaknesses are, I think of the dumb, sociopathic, loser judgments that Steve made and I feel like crying.  


In fact, I've spent much of the past two weeks in tears.   


That's okay.

The tears have to come out so I can heal and move on.   


It's hard to read email after email claiming that I am a liar.  I can't believe that I let someone that cruel into my life. 


It's a lesson.  I need to be a better judge of character.  I'm in shock. 


The walnut spell did not work. 


I tried to do a cord cutting.


I'll do it again tonight. 


I don't want to wipe Steve's energy with my last thought being mean towards him.  I want to wipe it with joy and love.  I guess that is what makes mean, cutting, and cruel behavior hard to deal with.  It makes it hard for me to think of him with kindness.  I know he puts me down to hurt me.  I asked for time.  If that was inconsiderate and unkind, I'm sorry.  I'm doing the best that I can with what is in my life right now.


Tomorrow morning, I'll ask Isis why she brought him into my life and beg her to remove the negativity so we can both move on.  I've been in pain since October.  I thought I could solve this.  I thought my life would be different right now. 


I am realizing that maybe Michael is here for a reason.  I'll just go with it.  He'll leave when I learn the right lesson. 


Michael asked me to tell Steve that we are reconciling.  Um.......um......why?


Goddess help me.


If any other small miracles come around today, I'll let you know.  It sucks being poor because everything takes so much longer to accomplish!!! 


Love ya,


S. 

P.S.   I would like Michael to have the chairs because he has paired the thought of them with a new apartment.


If Steve wants to keep them, that's okay.  I can replace them for $200.  I don't want to drive by the trash a third time to look for them.  I've left his parking lot too many times in tears because I can't clean up my life.  It's led to so many fights and tears.  I can't bear to go into the area again. 


Steve could consider donating them to Goodwill or something.  It would make him less of a jerk and he could get a tax donation out of it. 


Unless the Sheriff calls.  If Michael called the Sheriff, he may want to hand those over to the cops.  I'll write here if I hear anything. 


Gosh...this is annoying.  Don't ask questions and then threaten someone for answering!!!!  I don't need that drama in my life. 


Oh well....I am beginning to understand what is going on.  My lesson from Steve is that if a man claims that his other exes are narcissists, he's probably going to say the same thing about you.




I'm still healing.  So, in some ways things are finally looking up!