Today I am thankful for forums.
Someone shared this with me. I'll do a cut and paste. I've spent much of the past two weeks in solitude, in my recording studio.
I need to do that when people overrun me with requests.
I'll cut and paste below. I want a man who will try to understand me. Someday I'll find him.
Oh, I have an opportunity cooking in Phoenix. I'll let you know how it pans out. I'm super excited. It's just a preliminary interview but I'd love to get away from my stalker. I have nothing holding me here now.
Okay....here is the cut and paste. You can find it here: http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/100682-understanding-infjs-dummies-2.html
It is not a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am under more stress now than at any other time in my life. I need to take time to myself to find a solution.
So....
I'm not the only one in the world that does this. It's nice to know. This must be how my therapist diagnosed me as in INFJ (the needing time to myself and being able to read people). The day she diagnosed me, I tested as an ESTP (I was in one hell of a foul mood that day).
Here goes (I'll put the relevant stuff in bold and make my comments in read):
"1. disappearing off the planet is not at all related to you; we still like/love you as much as we did before. when solitude calls, all other calls or messages may go unanswered (and we may seem horrible at keeping up with correspondence). it's just that we only have so much energy to give out socially, and when all that energy is dissipated, we have to restore it through solitude before we have anything left to give again. it's hard to describe how sensing and experiencing the feelings of everyone around us all the time can quickly sap all our emotional energy. we can't turn off that emotional sensor, even if we wanted to, and if the feelings around us are negative, they wear us down. some of us spend every minute of our days with people, or in environments thick with negative emotion, and in the evenings we have to 'recover' our energy again by being alone, so we just don't want to go out anywhere with anyone or talk/communicate. if you don't hear from us for a while, that doesn't necessarily mean anything negative, so long as you eventually hear from us. you don't want to see us when we have nothing to give (trust me on this one), and we don't want to subject you to that, either. :P
I wanted time to fix the stalking and get control of my life back. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I wanted to protect people. I didn't want to hear negativity from my friends. I wanted to figure out what was going on and take care of it. I guess that bit me in the ass.
2. the mildness of our reactions is not at all indicative of lack of intensity of feeling about the situation - everything we feel, we feel deeply. we may not seem all that upset but may be at a point of despair inside; we're just trying to preserve harmony or your feelings by responding gently. people often have no idea how much of a flood or emotion-storm we are holding back, out of respect for their happiness or a desire to keep the peace. we forgive often for that same reason. 3. we are more logically-minded than people get the impression that we are...read: "closeted INTP." we just keep a lot of our thoughts tightly sealed within our heads. xD case in point: i'm an INFJ engineer, and have yet to meet anyone who doesn't register shock when they find out my profession. lol
4. we don't "change when we think others have us figured out, just because we don't want them to figure us out." people often think they have us figured out and then presume that we threw them a curve ball just to throw them off - that isn't a purposefully-thrown curve ball, that is just us being true to ourselves, those selves that others don't actually have figured out as well as they thought they did. we are many-sided creatures and until a circumstance draws out a certain side of our nature, you may never see that side of us or know it exists. we are often a walking contradiction, so we are difficult to map. my best friend of 10 years still gets shocked by me sometimes - when i unwittingly do something she totally didn't expect or anticipate out of me. so i have to say: we will surprise you...and, honestly, we can't help it. xD but frankly, we may delight in surprising people who inaccurately assume they have us figured out, because it bothers us to be negatively mislabeled (we are trying to correct their false assumptions about us).
4. we are people with feelings, too. we are aware of others' feelings and try to reach out to them when they are hurting or protect them from pain. this comes naturally and we can't not care when we sense someone else's pain. it sometimes hits us when we are in deep pain ourselves and feel the need of human support, how alone we are. i feel so selfish writing this, but it probably needs to be said. we realize others are most likely unaware that we are hurting, but we may long for, or even inaccurately expect, others to be able to read our unspoken pain the way we read that of others. our most desperate heart's cry is often for someone to protect us the way we try to protect others, to sense our pain and reach out to comfort us without being asked. what we give to others is how we would want to be treated. sometimes the world feels painfully one-sided in this respect.
I'd feel better giving him the house and moving out than shoving him out on the sidewalk with a suitcase. I don't want to cause another person pain just because I want to move forward. I want everyone to move forward in the best manner possible for them as individuals.
5. if you think we are flirting with you, unfortunately, it is likely that we aren't. (it's when we don't appear to be flirting with you that we are probably the most interested, since it seems that many of us get more shy or less socially-skilled around those who capture our interest). classic lists of "flirting signals" (with the exception of touch that goes beyond hugging or kisses on the cheek, depending on cultural background) often do not apply to us, since we tend to behave that way out of concern for others' feelings, or to make them feel good about themselves, or because we care about them, or simply in order to establish friendly rapport with them. in other words, we may act that way towards everyone. xD for instance, there are people in the world who smile and engage others for reasons other than romantic interest; there are people who playfully tease their friends, etc. so please know we aren't sending romantic signals ~ we really are just being friendly. Fe has a way of sometimes being mistaken as flirting when addressed towards the opposite sex.
6. we are often more silly and goofy than we initially appear to be, and love to be playful in our own way. don't be fooled by the serious, pained look in our eyes - think "comic relief." :) you will see that side of us if/when we become comfortable showing it around you. and we've always had that side, even if we've known you for years and this is the first time you've seen it. :P
7. we know more about people around us than we let on that we know. if someone is trying to fake us out, we usually know it, and that doesn't mean we'll stop being nice to them. in other words, it only looks like naivete. xD we've probably all had the experience of - at some point - letting on what we know about someone and getting comments like, "are you psychic?" or "how did you know that?" it's not really easy to pull stuff over on us...and inwardly we are irresistibly magnetized towards the most candid, honest, genuine people around us. (the longer we live, the more we use our Ti to logically confirm the initial impressions of Ni, because we learn that through projection we sometimes read people completely wrong...)
8. about the infamous "INFJ doorslam": there is nothing INFJ about it; it is something common to every personality type. every MBTI type has limits beyond which they can no longer stand to interact with someone, or deal with something, in their life. it just seems more sudden and inexplicable where it is the least expected; and, simply, people don't expect that out of us, because they have misread us the whole time they knew us. people don't realize that we have personal boundaries, just like everyone else in the world. depending on our individual background, we may be willing to tolerate for a long time what many others would not tolerate at all, because we care about others and want to protect their feelings or preserve relational harmony (since disharmony is so difficult for us to bear that it can make us physically ill). tolerance isn't implicit permission. others often seem to believe our patience is limitless and push it as if it were such. our limits may be wider than the average, but they do exist. we often don't find it prudent to publicize our limits because there are sadistic individuals in the world who will use that information to torment us.
if we do finally close a door, it is when we can stand absolutely no more, any longer, without our psyche being (quite literally) destroyed. (there are people of every type who "doorslam" arbitrarily without significant or serious cause, and i'm not referring to people like that.) it is not as sudden as it appears. because our feelings are so deeply implicated in everything that they affect our physical health, we need closure and "clean breaks" to preserve sanity and health. everyone faces hard choices at some point in their life - for an INFJ, the choice may be between a relationship and their sanity; cut them some slack if they have to make the difficult decision in favor of sanity. the best way to interact with an INFJ is not to outrageously stretch the limits of human kindness or patience in the first place.
I am toying with deleting the account.
I did give my phone to my eldest daughter and forwarded my work calls to a Gmail/Google Voice account. It was effective in dealing with the home phone outage. After Shannon tried to break into the house, I realized that my kids need a phone to use when I am not at home so they can call 911.
So....being alone is what I will do. I appreciate the lesson. May Steve find someone who can meet his needs for instant communication. I felt pressured and pushed. I wanted to solve my mess. It's going to take awhile. It's a puzzle. I have to sneak around and solve it one piece at a time so no one can sabotage my momentum.
Edit later:
You know, I've been re-reading those Facebook messages I received yesterday. I typically delete conversations which cause me pain. Steve wrote them and blocked me, so Facebook will not let me delete them. I log in, check my messages and see his face. I may delete my account. I only use Facebook to keep in touch with my political activist friends. I need a break anyway.
It would seem that Steve's therapist has caused an exceeding amount of trouble for him in his life. I'm a little bit curious about who she is. I don't think she's very good and I would think she needs reported to DORA. She does seem to give him incredibly bad advice.
Let me help....
First, do NOT contact someone you claim to love solely on Facebook looking seeking closure. He knew I gave my phone to my daughter because the home phones were out. I told him that is what I planned to do when I left. I had my clothes packed in my car. I was ready to leave that Friday. I just wanted my ex-husband's signature. I realized that I cannot move forward unless I have a timeline and access to my money. Without a timeline, I cannot plan to do all those little things I need to do so I can move forward. I wanted a timeline because I wanted to move forward with Steve. I perceived what I was doing would further our relationship so we could eventually cohabit. I wanted to make room in this house for the man that I perceived to be my best friend.
With all the calls in such a short span of time, I grew frustrated. Having someone text constantly to interrupt and tell me that what I was doing was unimportant (even if I was trying to further our relationship) put me in tears. With every call, my daughter would interrupt and bring me the phone. I couldn't drive, so I decided to stay home.
He called several times that afternoon (many of the calls came while I was driving to the service provider's place to deal with getting the phone and internet service put into my name). Other times, the calls came when my daughter had the phone. It's bizarre to call me seven times in a short span of time and go silent. I figured he was busy with his weekend visitation. So, I didn't want to bother him.
The message I heard was just a hang-up, so he didn't say anything new to me in them.
Two days later, he started hassling me on Facebook in front of my friends. He said that I let an employer down (because the home phones went dead). I don't understand that. I wasn't offered a job. After a back and forth that got really rude, I simply told him that I couldn't see him anymore because I couldn't meet his needs (that need is to be able to see him every Friday at 4:00). I do believe that the stalking will initially get worse once Michael leaves the house. I doubt it will end anytime soon. This was my fear. This was what I was trying to tell Steve. He ignored me.
Steve had me captive on Facebook for a few hours. He could have asked for closure then. He could have called me at home (they did come back online) or on the cell phone. He did not do those things. All he did was make assumptions that hurt me and try to embarrass me in public. I find it crazy to write to me two weeks later on that damn website, try to guilt me by saying that numerous therapists say that I owe him closure and end the message by saying that I had three hours to contact him or he'll get a restraining order against me is a horrible way to force a telephone call. I got the message fifteen minutes before the time expired. I only checked it because my stalker ex told me to.
He could have been a man and picked up the phone. He had closure. If he needed more, he needed to ask for it. His therapist is wrong. I am NOT trying to keep him emotionally hooked. He is playing games to keep me hooked. That's what the chair business is. That is why he never contacted me to take possession of them (text me...tell me you'll put them on the porch and to get them while you are at work...easy...). This is why he never threw them in the trash. I am not sure if the was the man watching me as I searched the dumpster for my stuff. Keeping me hooked is why he never read the emails I sent in response to his. He was trying to move the relationship faster than my circumstances would allow. I am working on it.
That is what giving me an ultimatum does. It causes unnecessary pain.
I think this is a horrible game. This is the same game I had to play every three weeks with him.
I started to become bored with him when things that I said caused him to give me the silent treatment. I couldn't touch him without him acting disgusted by it. I felt like he considered me a leper. He liked to refer to my political ideology and call people like me stupid. He claimed I wasn't Anarchist enough (even though he threatened to use government force to guilt me into not giving him closure). He started to mock me online. Even the break-up texts seems to play on my stalking fears.
I thought his abhorrent behavior was due to drinking. I thought his claiming that I was an NSA agent was due to alcohol. I did turn the other cheek for far too long. To tell the truth, I am beginning to severely dislike Steve because of it and I am worried about untreated alcoholism (alcoholism could explain the paranoia).
The chair game is making me hate him (and Michael, too - see the previous post).
Secondly, if you love someone, you can't say it's okay to let your inner jackal out and attack them while claiming that it is life affirming. Don't criticize all the time, don't condemn constantly, and don't complain incessantly. Talk.....in person....and don't call her weird when she wants to be intimate with you unless you want her to clam up.
When I get many Facebook messages demanding answers to deep, probing psychological questions, I want to put them off until I am free enough to ponder them. The problem with Facebook is that I have so many friends, someone is always sending me IMs, comments and requests. It is incredibly distracting.
I told him that Facebook is the worst way to contact me. I knew he was pulling away from me when he stopped contacting me every day. I know this is what he wanted. He wanted to break up for good because I am a "stupid Libertarian" who just doesn't understand Anarchism and economics. I just don't understand how I owe him closure but can't give it to him for fear of him abusing the local government game.
I agree that this has to end. It hurts but he wants more than I can give right now.
- LOVE DOESN'T BUILD IN A DAY. LOVE DOESN'T DIE IN A DAY. DON'T GIVE SOMEONE A SPAN OF FOUR HOURS TO GIVE YOU CLOSURE.
- DO NOT ASK FOR IT IN A FACEBOOK MESSAGE.
- DO NOT THREATEN TO ABUSE THE RESTRAINING ORDER PROCESS IF SHE TRIES TO HONOR YOUR REQUEST FOR CLOSURE. THAT IS A PROBLEM. YOUR THERAPIST MAY SAY I OWE IT TO YOU, DON'T EXPECT IT IMMEDIATELY.
Mike was stalking him. That freaked me out. Steve was refusing to talk to me about it without sighing heavily on the phone and cutting the conversation short. On Facebook, he wrote that he didn't trust my perceptions. I wrote that I didn't either but I wanted to do what it took for everyone to be safe. We are better off being safe than sorry. Other than that, I did not know what to say.
With all the judgments, I got to the point of not knowing how to talk to him.
I am documenting this so that if something happens to me, everyone knows what is going on. The first thing the cops will do is check my internet history. I want them to know it is NOT Steve.
In real life, Steve is a good guy. He's just a tad bit insecure and reads too much into the things I say (which causes fights). That takes a while to fix. This is why I wanted to pay for relationship coaching.
On Facebook, he comes off like a crazy person. It is NOT who he is.
He wrote something about third parties contacting him on my behalf. I have a stalker. I'd like to know if he's telling the truth. Maybe.....that third party is Michael or Shannon. That too is keeping me emotionally hooked and scared, too. I am unaware of third parties contacting him.
I want to know what in the world is going on.
Last night, I didn't sleep well. I'm off to do a ritual to Isis to break the connection. This will be my fourth one. I hope it works this time.
Wish me luck.