Being a Black Magick Woman

Today I am thankful for being a witch. 

A man I used to date is abusing his daughter in a similar fashion to what he did to me.

Don't ask me how I know.  I just do. 

I just got a message from a mutual friend.

He said the same thing to her that he claimed I did. 

So....

Today is Saturday. 

It's the best day for a protection spell on a child. 

I'm off to my altar. 

I haven't conjured a demon in a long time. 

I'm truly considering it. 

That's because I'm pissed at him. 

If he apologizes, I can just give a gift to Artemis.  She's a Goddess who protects young women. 

Hmmmmmmm........choices....choices.

Behave or pay the price. 

Love,

S. 

Recognizing Psychological Abuse

Today I am thankful that I recognize relationship abuse. 

I'm still sad.

I thought Steve would be different.  For all the talk about anarchy and freedom, it simply didn't exist in our relationship.  I blamed the fact that I couldn't get my ex-husband to move on.  I blamed myself.

It doesn't matter. 

It is weird having my ex-husband explain to me how he took control of our relationship years ago.  Yes, he says that he knows what he did.  Yes, he said most men know the games they play.  Yes, most men do it for control.

That is validating. 

It's painful. 

It's validating. 

I know what my problems are.  I always do my best to see the best in other people.  I know that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes.  My issue?  Well, I am too forgiving and I feel badly when I break up with someone for hurting me. 

I couldn't take it anymore. 

I couldn't. 

I'm still trying to escape my former marriage.  It's weird.  Divorce didn't change much.  The only thing that has changed is that I am not on the hook for my ex-husbands financial problems. 

He's still here.  I feel compelled to allow him to stay here and get healthy for the sake of my children before he moves on.  I truly fear he is going to die within the next few years IF he doesn't get the surgery he needs.  The kids need him.  I can't throw him out. 

This is probably why Steve acted out.  I couldn't make him feel secure in our relationship. 

There is no excuse for the mind games or the name calling.  There is no excuse to running to Facebook lying about me.  He's done it several times before.  I think it is to get the attention of an ex-girlfriend that he is still in love with.  She'd always respond to console him.  His relatives always spoke highly of her.  If he needs her, that's okay.  He should follow his heart and go to her.

The verbal and emotional abuse is time consuming.  I don't like labeling it abuse.  He labeled it abuse when he accused me of emotionally abusing him by talking for fifteen minutes. 

He's right.  What was going on was abuse -but- I was not the abuser.  I wasn't pushing an agenda.  I wanted things to unfold naturally. 

Abuse  is what it is.  I just can't take it anymore. It was hurting my self-esteem.  I felt like I was carrying a dark cloud over my head everywhere I went.  It really hurt my ability to look for work. 

I have had 15 days of no contact.  I feel lighter.  I feel happier.  I even feel joy.

It's amazing what can happen when you are free of judgment.  I feel hope!  It's a beautiful thing!

What I am going to do is literally define exactly what he was doing that set me off.  I will take the definition of domestic violence and use that.   He didn't live with me.  He didn't hurt me.  His behavior, though, made me afraid to open up to him.  I found myself stuck and hurt.

I trusted Steve.  I really did.  It hurts because I truly loved him.  I felt pressured to change my life to be with him.  Now that there is no pressure, I can see how there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Here are the things that set the stage for domestic violence.  standard definitions of domestic violence.

1.  Isolates you from friends and family:   I believe that Steve used Anarchy as a means to isolate me from friends.  He would pick fights with other Libertarian activists, criticized them personally and harass them.  It always bothered me when they expressed concern that Steve was in my life.  I am thankful that they were cordial. 
Anarchists believe that the government shouldn't exist.  Many of them use that as an excuse NOT to get involved in politics.  If I had no reason to get involved in politics, I would lose a lot of who I am.  I would lose a good chunk of my support network.  I think that Steve knew this.  I believe that Anarchy was a ruse meant to take away that part of my life.  NOTHING and NO ONE will keep me from fighting for other people.  My stalker couldn't even do that: I had a mayoral campaign and fought two tax hikes during the active stalking period.  This year I didn't fight two pending tax hikes.  I will feel incredibly guilty if they pass because they are regressive in nature and will be unfair to the poor.

2.  Is verbally abusive: He constantly criticized me.  He criticized my performance.  He'd make fun of me in front of friends and family.  He also sent me numerous derogatory messages in emails and via text messages.  My friends claim he wrote these things on my Facebook wall but I never saw those.  My friends say that he is running around telling everyone that I'm a narcissist who is punishing him for joking.  Yes, he is claiming that he was joking when he called me a sociopathic, looser [sic], who is lying about being divorced and cheating on her husband with numerous "fuck buddies."   He said a lot of other things, too.  This is why I don't want to speak to him.  It's hurts to have someone you love tell lies about you. 
3.  Blames others for his problems: If I had a concern, he'd turn it back on me.  If I complained that he told me to shut up, he'd claim I told him to shut up.  Then, he'd complain that I didn't open up to him.  This happened a lot with other issues, too.
If he sent me nasty or threatening emails, it was because I touched on a sore spot he had -or- I was not  available to him.  Once he called me a bunch of names because his mother made him eat potatoes.  He was upset that women did not honor his preferences. 
Yes, I admit that after the divorce I had difficulty accessing my money and there were times when my phone and internet service was disconnected as I was awaiting the transfer of them into my name.  I had to use the internet at the library, so I did get my messages on a sporadic basis.  My lack of availability made him threaten me.  He knew what was going on yet he gave me an ultimatum (on Facebook) claiming that if I didn't contact him within a certain time frame he would throw out my property and get a restraining order if I ever contacted him again.  He could have visited me.  There was no excuse for that ultimatum.....none!    That is NOT normal. 
I hate using the word "paranoia" but this man always had a story.  He always thought he could read the minds of other people.  He stated that everyone was conspiring against him to hurt him.  I found that sad.  I always wondered if this was due to betrayal from his mother (she took his child) -or- if it was a function of alcohol abuse.
4.  Alcohol and drug use:  Yes, Steve has an alcohol problem.  It has cost him his driver's license, so I wound up toting him around while he bossed me around.  It was hard.
The last night we were together he drank and smoked pot.  He treated me like crap.  The next morning, I awoke and started packing up our campsite while he slept.  At that point, I felt like a servant.  I realized that I did not want to live my life with someone like that. 

5.  Does things to instill fear:  The only time I feared him was when he grabbed my neck.  He only did that once.  Now, that said, there were times when he'd threaten to sue me to get me to comply to some demand  He'd also threaten to report innocent activities to authorities to try to get my social networking accounts suspended.   I'm lucky.  Things didn't get that far.
6.  Punishes you for spending time away:  Yes, I once spent a Friday night trying to get my ex to sign a document stating that he would move out on a certain date.  I had spent the afternoon getting the phones and internet service put in my name.  Steve had a major tantrum over this.  I believe we broke up.   He didn't understand that I was trying to make room for him to move in with me (as he had already been telling everyone that we were cohabiting).  He sent me more than a dozen texts during that time I tried to get my ex to sign the document.  I started to cry.  I gave up.  It went nowhere.  I don't think he appreciated that I was trying to move our situation along.  A few days later, he wrote me a Facebook message giving me fifteen minutes to call him in order to get my stuff.  This was when I was trying to get the internet installed at home, so my checking Facebook was abnormal.  He said that if I tried to write after 5:00, he'd get a restraining order against me.  How's that for punishment?   I don't think I trusted him after that. 

7.  Expects you to wait on them like a servant:  Yes, towards the end I felt a bit like a servant.  There was a time when I drove him to hear his hero, Larken Rose, give a speech.  He had me park twenty blocks away in the scary part of town.  The meter would run out 2 hours later, so I found myself walking alone, in the dark and in high heels, to retrieve the car.  I thought it would be okay if it were a one time thing.  No...it got worse.  I found myself playing the role of chauffer; he would text me and tell me when to pick him up from work.  I didn't mind it so long as I believed that I had the option of saying no. I found myself wasting hours waiting on his mother.  I found myself buying birthday gifts for his child that really weren't what I wanted to give her (art supplies) he just wanted me to buy her paper (boring...).  The gift thing hurt my daughter because she considered his daughter her friend and we don't think she got her gifts because no one said a thing. 
The last day we were together, I offered to fill up two one liter bottles of water.  He wanted me to fill up a cooler because I offered to fetch water.  There is a marked difference between filling up small bottles and parading them through a campground and carrying a two gallon cooler.  That pissed me off.   

8.  Is extremely jealous of all aspects of your life:  He would claim that I was a fake, a fraud, a phony, a bad therapist, a liar, and someone who had never done any political or volunteer work.   He is now vilifying me as a narcissist (just like his ex-wives). 
He could go to YouTube and see political speeches I gave.  He could go to the archives of the local papers and news channels to see stories about me.  It's not my fault he has no clue who I am.  It's a shame.  Maybe he would have treated me better if he knew me.    Maybe he was jealous. 
He aspired to be a radio talk show host.  I would take him out to talk to the movers and shakers.  I would try to get him to expound upon his knowledge.  When the local activists were trying to stop a database from selling information about school children, I invited him along to share his expertise as a Database Manager.  He didn't.  He could have been on the radio!!  I tried.  I really tried. 
9.  Controls you through emotions:  This is where I get angry.  There are so many games that I can't choose which ones to share.  I am realizing that Steve is a grand manipulator.  The games are meant to make me feel guilty.  It didn't matter what I did, I was at fault. 
The first time it happened, I was trying to talk to an expert about stalking.  I hired a therapist.  She's a great therapist, just expensive.  I didn't answer my phone because I was in therapy.  Steve, in his infinite wisdom, went to Facebook to tell the world that I make him feel like he was a bad boyfriend.  He didn't say how.  He didn't explain that it was because I was at the therapist and didn't answer my phone.  He left it vague.  Many people started vilifying me.  Other women tried to comfort him.  That should have been a big red flag.  When I found out, I simply posted a song inviting him to be a fun kind of bad boyfriend.  That smoothed things over.  The damage was done.  People who knew both of us thought I treated him like shit.  That was unfair. 
He claimed on Facebook that his therapist said it is unhealthy to talk to anyone who breaks up with him.  When he started abusing me, I couldn't break up with him because his therapist said it was bad for his mental health.  Mark my words, when he threatened me, I broke up with him.  Once he threatened to stalk me because he thought I was a sociopath.  As a stalking victim, I found that incredibly hurtful.  This time, I finally decided to go no contact and blocked him so he can't disobey the order from a non-existent therapist.
The last time I spoke to him, he made up a game where he claimed that I was abusing him because I wouldn't leave him.  He said that emotional abusers tend to abuse their significant others because they fear losing the relationship.   I left him due to his abusive behavior.  I refused to read any more emails or texts.  I couldn't communicate with him without the barrage of abusive behavior, so I stopped.  He was warned.  He continued.  Now he is claiming that my lack of communication and my leaving was abusive.  I can't win.
Let's see....he invited me to a concert and sold my tickets after we arrived.  I had to settle for different seats. 
I told him that I couldn't make a lover out of a non-friend.  He started to use that to try to control me.  If I didn't communicate to others in the manner he wanted, he would tell me that he wasn't my friend.  I'd break up and he'd say he never said that he couldn't be my friend.  He usually wrote this in emails.  I can prove it.

There was a lot of sulking.  There was a lot of threatening.  It got to the point where he was upset about the things I posted to Facebook and wanted to control the things I posted to Facebook and Pinterest.  He wanted me to remove posts pertaining to emotional abuse and replace them with accolades of him.   One of my friends is being beaten by her fiancé.  I posted for her.  I am finding that the things I was reading about abuse was helping me to understand what was going on between my ex-husband and myself.  I saw that the stuff going on after the divorce was a continuation of what went on in the marriage.
Steve saw that and thought that it made him look bad.  Now everybody KNOWS Mike's family is stalking me.  Many of my friends and family have seen it for themselves.  They know.  They assume that I am talking about Mike.  Steve demanded that I take my posts down and post three nice things about him. 
I refused.  So, Steve ran to Facebook and told everyone that I was emotionally abusing him.  This is why I broke with him.  That is emotional blackmail.  I have received numerous emails since that day that I have never read.  The subject lines are disturbing so I won't read them.  I read some of them.  They were rude. 

Never stay with a man who thinks that women are to be seen and not heard. 


Now, though, after re-reading those things about emotional abuse I am beginning to believe that Steve was engaging in it, too.  Worse, like Michael, he KNOWS what he is doing.  He knows it is wrong.  I cannot deal with that. 
Ummm....there are so many games....too many.....it hurts my head to think of them. 

Abusers will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with their idea of how things should be.  An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assertiveness of what is right for you.  At times they will appear to be sorry and loving when you declare that you have had enough. You might see pleading and even tears as well as proclamations that they will change.  This “remorse” doesn’t last long though and when they feel secure that they have you back, the abuse begins again.

10.  They get physical: Yes, emotionally abusive relationships often morph into physical violence.  The last time I was at his house it was after he wanted a "relationship break" and I interpreted that as a break up.  I tried to tell him what I thought a relationship break was and how it wouldn't help grow the relationship but he was too tired to talk about it and hung up.  I thought we were done.  He asked for a ride to a political event and blamed me for the breach in the relationship.  After that,  I went to his apartment and noticed that the doors to both his microwave and oven were cracked and the handles nearly sheered off.  I can't imagine how that would happen in the span of a week short of someone having a tantrum.  I am afraid of Steve now.  I never got the chance to talk about it.  

*****

If Steve had never called me an emotional abuser, I never would have thought about it.  It dawned on me that someone else had said that about him in the past.  Yeah....I can see why.  He is abusive.  As much as I love him, I feel so much better away from that negativity.  I really do.  I can go to job interviews now and not think that sociopathy is my greatest weakness.  Steve had me convinced that there was something wrong with me.   
*****

I spent the evening talking to one of my activist buddies.  He assures me that Steve is not a real Anarchist.  Anarchists do not threaten to get restraining orders against someone.  Anarchists do not threaten to sue people if they do not comply with their demands.  They believe in the concept of live and let live.  I feel duped.  I'm working on it.  It hurts.  I can't believe I let this man con his way into my life.   I'm angry at myself. 

My ex-husband is having a sleep over elsewhere.  I'm hopeful things are changing.  I'll let you know.  There are days when I feel trapped here.  There are days when I see progress.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm hoping my new therapist can help me find a solution.  I don't like sleeping alone and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. 

Love ya,
S.

A Narrative of a problem

Today I am thankful for narratives: They can help you pinpoint exactly what is wrong. 

I had a therapist friend ask me to write out a narrative using free writing.  She has never seen this.  I'll just post it here.  This is what I came up with. 

I am divorced.  I was awarded the house in the divorce in September 2013.

 

My ex-husband doesn't hit people (just things) and yells a lot. The safety issue is the stalking and property damage. I am unsure if he is the stalker. The cops say he is the stalker but he swears up and down that he has nothing to do with it (usually). It's gone on for 23 years and typically involves phone harassment, break-ins, or his sister or cousin bothering friends, colleagues and neighbors trying to spread gossip or get information about me. I have seen them watch me. Over the past three years, it has become scary. My former sister-in-law has a new boyfriend who likes to physically push people around. I found a GPS box on my vehicle. I've seen more property damage around the house. We have a lot of broken locks. The last time the door was damaged was June 2014.

 

There have been times when my ex-husband has yelled and claimed to be behind the stalking. He has said that he has sent his sister keys to the house and asked her to follow me. Then, he'll tell me that he's lying because that is what I want to hear. It drives me nuts. I guess this counts as gas-lighting.

 

It had been a controlling marriage. He liked to take my car and telephones. Since the divorce, I bought a little beat up car with only one key and put the phones in my name to minimize the likelihood that will happen again. I am trying to get him to honor the asset division portion of our divorce agreement. If I took jobs he didn't like, I would find myself harassed my his sister or his friends. I am afraid to work so long as he is here because he has a habit of telling his sister where I work.  

 

I did borrow several thousand dollars to start a business. I've been using that money to meet my expenses.

 

I have a new office. Steve and I went out for coffee at the Starbucks across the street late last year and found my sister-in-law watching us. I have been terrified to go to work since that day. I have no clue how she knew where I was. I did have a smart phone with me. I replaced it. I also gave my ex-husband the car I drove that day. I haven't seen her following me since.

 

Last month, Steve was trying to get me to kick my ex-husband out of the house.  I understand why.  I just want to do the right things at the right time.   My ex-husband had a few surgeries this year and will have another one in early October. I just don't feel right throwing him out. My ex-husband also owes me $14,000 and I want to play nice to be sure I get the money. We have three kids here that adore him (the youngest is ten and a big daddy's girl). Because I won't throw my ex out, Steve has been sending me obnoxious emails and texts calling me names and saying that I am a lying sociopath who lied about being divorced and am taking lovers on the side.  He also claims that I am lying about the stalking and financial abuse.. I had to block him when he posted a claim that I was an emotional abuser on Facebook. For some reason, I am letting this get to me to the point I can't get through the day without crying. I am not sleeping and having trouble eating.

 

My ex-husband is home today. I am a little upset with him. He keeps buying things for the house. Two weeks ago he bought a dishwasher while I was camping with Steve. Today he bought a carpet cleaner. I asked him to return it. I fear that he thinks he is going to stay. I have asked him to write out what his expectations are so we can discuss them.

I will talk to the local shelter advocate tomorrow. Maybe she can recommend a family counselor who can help us move forward.

So that is the problem.  The problem is that I fear being stuck in this situation and unable to move forward.  I also fear that I was in the process of putting myself in a similar relationship. 

I now know what to do.  I just have to decide whose needs are more important, mine or the kids.  If I have to stay here to give them a sense of security I will.  I need a therapist's input on how to handle this in the best manner for the children.

I hope my new therapist is the reflective listening kind of person.  If not, I'll just wait until I can earn enough to pay out of pocket to see my old therapist.  I need someone who will listen to me without judgment.  It is the only way to gain clarity.

It'll work out. 

Try journaling.  It helps. 

Love ya,

S. 

Good Emotional Abuse Resource

Today I am thankful for psychology guides on the internet. 

I found an excellent pep-talk on how to overcome the depression associated with emotional abuse.

In short, get away.  Some people never change.

It explains the game in detail. 

I see a couple of people in this:

I feel inspired to kick a little arse. 

You can read the guide here.

http://www.understanding-depression-symptoms.com/emotional-abuse-1html

Love,

S.

Contempt

Today I am thankful for having good friends with psychology degrees. 

I had been troubled by an expression that Steve has held towards me our entire relationship. 

There were times when he grinned.

There were times when the grin mutated into an expression where one side of his mouth was held up higher than the other.

This is what he looked like the last time I saw him.  He had this look of utter contempt.

This bothered me.

This was about the time he started criticizing me.  This was when he started to make fun of my arm flab.  He started accusing me of calling him stupid (even if I was trying to help him understand history so he could win arguments with the people he worked with).  He was making fun of nearly everything.

I feared giving him head because he was so darn critical.  That is my favorite relationship perk.   I love doing that.

I never understood why I didn't feel comfortable around him. 

It was that look!

Steve held contempt for me! 

Contempt says...."go away" on a subconscious level.  That is probably why I didn't fight for our relationship when he told me he didn't want to see me again or wanted to take a break.

I never really felt wanted by him.  I always felt pushed away.  If I said anything about it, he'd ignore me or tell me that I was pushing him away.

I was hurt when he'd chase me out of his apartment after spending time with me.  I felt like a booty call.

According to my lawyer friend, he's on Facebook complaining that no one is willing to have sex with him!  Why would they? 

He's slandering me?  Who is going to trust going out with an immature man?

Oh....not to mention that he's now taken to calling me a narcissist.  I won't sue him for libel.  **My lawyer friend wants to keep an eye on things in case I wind up six feet under.  He's not doing enough for a restraining order but she is cautioning me not to be alone with him again.  Really?  What is he saying?  I don't like her looking at his page.  I blocked him so I wouldn't have to see vague accusations about myself abusing him come through my feed.

Yes, he claimed that I was allegedly emotionally abusing him because I feared losing the relationship.  If I am abusing him, I have to leave the relationship!  Right?  If I love someone and I tear them down, I've got to go!  It's the loving thing to do.  Why doesn't Steve understand that?

It's crazy logic.  His logic mirrors the chaos of alcoholism. 

I think my logic is sound.  If I am hurting someone by being around him, I need to stop being around him. 

It dawned on me he doesn't understand that because he's the one trying to control me and tear me down.
I am grateful for the time I had to do research on emotional abuse.  It helped me gain clarity about two of my past relationships.  One of those men was an alcoholic.  Sadly, he still is.  The other has a traumatic brain injury and was said to have NPD (now, I'm wondering if that label is accurate).  I also learned that my problem is that I do not enforce my boundaries.  I need to stop feeling sorry for jerks and kick them to the curb when they get abusive BEFORE I fall in love with them.

*****

Steve calling me a narcissist is kinda funny.  I'm beginning to suspect that his alcoholism is creating an issue that mimics narcissism.

Pots and kettles. 

I'm not the one making fun of him. 

He's a good guy.  He just didn't love me.  He wanted a trophy.  I'm not in a position to be anyone's trophy. That is probably why he has contempt for me!

His mother makes fun of my weight.  He and his parents make fun of my car.

Steve recently told me that he only dated me so he could get the attention of a famous person.  This person would only friend him on Facebook IF he had a pretty girlfriend. 

I thought it was the alcohol talking. 

My friends say he has a crazy look I his eyes.  I think he looks hurt.  I think he looks like he is holding his power in.  It's like he is afraid to be who he is.

I wonder if this is being projected on to me.

As of last month, I thought it could be worked out.  I found a couples coach/counselor.  I told Steve but he didn't hear me. 

Maybe he heard me. 

Maybe I'm not supposed to be in his life.

******

 

I still wonder why he'd sell my concert tickets to buy me a set inferior to his.  Who does that? 

I am realizing that it wasn't an accident. 

I wonder why he'd dance with his back turned to me for hours.  I was crying.  I had to leave because it hurt to much to stand there alone.  What was he punishing me for? 

The next night, he stayed with me in the stands.  I cried that night, too.  Steve didn't notice.


*****

I knew we had to break up when he told me NOT to talk about the things creating anxiety.  I was anxious about what I was going to do once the money hit my account.  I thought it was our chance to move forward. 

I guess not.  According to the bank, it still hasn't transferred.

Ugh....

*****

I don't know what he wanted if he didn't want a real relationship.  He spoke of marriage.  Did he want my house? 

He didn't want me. 

I pray it was the alcohol.  I pray it is insecurity.  Those things can be fixed.

I don't know.....

He doesn't love me. 

I fell for it. 

I'm such a fool.

All he had to say was "I'm sorry.  I love you.  I want to hear you."

Instead he went on threatening me, lying about me, and claiming that I abuse him by doing all of the things he does to me.  Everything that concerned me about him, he twisted around to say that I did those things to him. 

According to him, I am an abuser.

In my opinion, if I love him, I will leave so that he no longer feels abused.

It hurts. 

It has to be this way.

I don't want to spend my life with someone that I cannot be loving towards.

********

I have to wonder.  Am I supposed to stay here with Michael?
Is that why nothing is working out for me? 

My heart is broken. 

There is a silver lining.  Through this I met an excellent marriage counselor.  I wanted to hire her the last time Steve complained about the constant break-ups.  She's affordable. 

Since Steve doesn't want me, I think I'll hire her to help me navigate the issue with Michael. 

*****



Michael is being nice to me. 

He wants me to stay here for the next nine years in order to co-parent the children.

I still don't trust him.

I miss sex. 
If I stay, I will have to be celibate. 

I don't understand the stalking.  If I could prove that he didn't do it, I'd stay.  The stalking scares me.  It puts my friends in danger.  It comes and goes.  It gets worse those years that Michael's family has some kind of crisis.  It also gets bad when I assert my independence.

How does one prove another person innocent of such a thing?

He can't be. 

All the evidence points to him. 

All of it.

Maybe the therapist can help me come up with strategies for dealing with it.  I'm sure she has seen this play out in numerous relationships/marriages/divorces in her 20 years as a therapist. 

In the meantime, I figure that not pissing him off will buy me some time.  I only get stalked when I see other guys, go to school, or work.  I'm not doing a darn thing.  I'm probably safe now.

I am fearful of meeting male business contacts.  This is not healthy!  I need to get over this.  I haven't had a stalking incident that I know of since November of last year.  I haven't seen any damage to the doors since July.  Maybe it is over?  maybe?  for now?

How will I know?

I'm in pain. 
I am confused. 
I wish I could wake up and KNOW what the heck these men were doing.  I wish I could wake up and KNOW what they want, what they expect, and what they need. I can't do that.  I can't read minds.

I'll be okay. 

One day at a time. 

*****

I have to forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that Steve loved me.  I feel like I was duped. 

That's what hurts.

I was alone this weekend.  It was nice.  I rebuilt my website, cried a lot, went to a live concert, and researched alcoholism. 

I got a lot done. 

I realized that I really missed oral sex.  There has to be a man out there for me. 

I'll ask Isis to bring him to me. 

He's got to be out there somewhere.

Love ya,

S. 

**I should mention that this lawyer does not do family law.  She is more of an ambulance chaser.  She can help me get a restraining order in a pinch but I don't trust her to know how to deal with high conflict personalities.  I think she likes the gossip, too - LOL! 

It's all good.  I'm glad I have people keeping on eye on the evil so I do not have to do that. 

Trying To Understand How Good Men Turn Mean

Today I am thankful for people who talk about verbal abuse.



I found a few links that talk about the issue.  I feel like I am dealing with it in stereo.  I want to understand so I never find myself in this situation again. 

This is the best link that I can find. 

http://hubpages.com/hub/Abusive-Relationships-Problem-Solving

Here is a paragraph.  There is so much insight here.  I would implore you to read the link.

While many people on the forum may say, "You're being abused" or "You're being abusive," his is the one voice that describes the abuser's perceptions, and he does it very effectively. Recently, when a woman posted about relationship issues she was having, many people replied to her thread with the same response, "You should leave him."

And like most of us have done, she said, "But he's my best friend."

Here's what MrK told her:

Here's where the disconnect happens. He is your best friend 99% of the time. He knows that, you know that. He sees his outbursts as bad, but he doesn't know HOW bad. He doesn't know what it does to you. What he sees as an aberration to an otherwise perfect marriage leaves you living in fear that 99% of the time he's "good". So 100% of your marriage is "off" for you. For him it's 1% (or less even). For him it's a minor "bad" but it's driving you away. He has NO IDEA that is happening. And DO NOT tell me "but I've told him 100 times in counseling". Talking doesn't work. You need to DO!!

This video is pretty darn enlightening.  It talks about the mental thought processes that underlie emotional abuse. 



I have heard Steve say similar things. 

He once said that if he got me to like sex, he was sure I'd leave him for someone else.

I have no interest in anyone else. 


I am unsure how to handle this. 


I've spent the past year in tears.

I really need to focus on going back in business and making money.

I want to be myself again.

I danced today.

I danced. 

I admired the bassist's blue Peavey Fury. 

I want one now!

*****


I am seriously considering staying with Michael for the time being.

His presence keeps men away.

There is really is no hurry to push him out of the house right now.

He doesn't want sex.

He just wants me to be a mother figure to him.

I like doing laundry. 

It's safer than being hurt.

I will talk to another stalking expert in two weeks.

I know she'll tell me to move out of state.

I'll keep you updated. 

Love,

S.

Internet Wisdom

Today I am thankful for internet wisdom.


The most thoughtful thing I read today was this tidbit.

One has to give up the need to be right in order to honestly communicate and build intimacy within a relationship.
It reminds me of something my Grandmother used to ask me.

She'd ask

"Would you rather be happy or right?"

I'd rather be happy.

*******

I did a meditation to Isis tonight. 

I asked her to bring Steve and I to the people we are supposed to be with.

I had a vision. 

It was weird.

In my mind's eye I saw an email Steve sent to me a couple of weeks ago. 

He wrote something like

The only reason you are with me is that I am the only idiot who tried to believe that you were being stalked.

It struck me.

He didn't think he was worthy of me.

There had to be a REASON for me to choose him. 

It wasn't that I liked being around him (when he wasn't fishing for compliments or misreading the things I was saying).

It wasn't that we shared a similar spirituality.

It wasn't that we had things in common.

It wasn't that he had blue eyes or was fun size.

It was that he tried to believe in the stalking?

That's sad. 

I think the problem was one of timing. 

He met me before I filed for a divorce.

He started dating me before my ex-husband moved out of the house.

I think he doesn't trust my ex-husband hanging around. 

If only he spoke to the neighbors.

They know we don't screw.

They probably still hear him yell at me in the middle of the night.

*****

I hired a new therapist.

She's working out better.

You know, I don't have to do things just because they are socially acceptable.  I do not have to act like a heartless sow to someone who abused me just because people outside of these circumstances understand it.

  I can be myself, follow my heart, and still have boundaries.

I CAN be kind to my ex-husband even if other people do NOT understand why I would do that. 

He was my best friend for over two decades.  How can I throw him out on the street?

She congratulated me on standing up for myself.  Steve was beginning to treat me the way Michael did when he first met me.  I can't stand that.

I couldn't deal with the constant projections. 

I don't know how to answer someone who twists my concerns and throws them back in my face.  If he doesn't know my heart by now, he probably never will.

I had to exit the relationship for my own mental health.

*****

My ex-husband had a surgery earlier this year. 

I allowed him to stay until that was done.

I just learned that he has two more surgeries to go.

He will have one on this throat.

He will have another on his stomach. 

I am unsure why.

It's none of my business. 

I told him he could stay as long as he wants to stay.

I asked him if he wants to see a couples counselor so that we can get clear on expectations and boundaries. 

I have yet to get an answer to that query. 

I think a counselor can help us figure out what we want, verbalize it, and get an itinerary going.

******

I realize that love doesn't die. 

Even if the relationships do not work out,

even when you haven't had sex in years,

and even when you are divorced,

you still care about the other person.

I care for Michael.

I am terrified of his family.

I do not trust him.

I love him.

I do not want him to suffer alone in his hour of need.

That's the way it is. 

******

I still care for Steve.

I do not like the way he judges me.

I do not like how sad I feel around him.

I do not like how I am controlled in my movements because I fear criticism.

I do not like how I have to run and read books on oral sex so I can affirm that it is okay to want to vary the rhythm, vary the pressure, and lick the rim.

I don't know.

I don't know why a guy would be so closed minded about that.

I think that was when I started having issues with growing the relationship.

I can't be with a guy who won't let me play. 

I don't think that can be fixed.

I know that he felt the need to be in control because he feared losing me to Michael.

*****

I don't know what to do.

I am going to be as kind as I can to everyone I care about.

I am not going to put up with lies, insults, and threats to harm my reputation.

I'm just going to go with the flow.

Que Sara Sara. 

Love,

S.

Emotionally Abusive Emails (with edits)

Today I am thankful that I can love at a distance: I cannot be with anyone who lies, blames, makes assumptions, and is disrespectful towards me.

I will NOT fall out of love.

I will simply love....at a distance. 

Edit 9.23.14 -  In the post below (which I have left intact), I promise to share Steve's emails.  Well, I found several more emails Steve had sent between 9.1.14 and 9.10.14.  They tell me to STFU and devalue me pretty harshly.  They accuse me of crazy things.  There is a lot of projection in them. I am not comfortable sharing them simply because reading them makes me cry.  The toxicity is deplorable.  In this situation, I do not know if I am wrong to beat myself up for trusting this man.  He broke my heart.  Maybe someday I'll write about the bizarre things he did when we were alone that I wrote off.  In retrospect, I realize that I should have known that he didn't love me. 
I may never be strong enough to share the remainder of the emails.   Perhaps, someday, if I publish a book on recovery from emotional abuse....maybe then I can share the emails. 

*********************************************************************************

*I'm going to share all of the latest correspondence between Steve and I. I cannot talk to him again.  I am hoping that this sheds light on what is going on in my life just in case crazy things happen.  These emails were sent to four different email accounts but one can always print them out and make a timeline.   Run a Gmail search on the name of a famous quarterback named Steve from BYU.  You'll find everything although this Steve is not a famous football player.  You'll see his picture pop up.

It's almost October.  The stalking from my former in-laws always picks up in October. and gets bad through mid-January.   I hate this time of year.   I can't stand people who disbelieve what I am going through.  I don't know.

I just don't feel safe here anymore.
*****

1. From Steve:

date: Mon, Sep 8, 2014 at 10:39 PM

subject: Games

Here's a fun game: trick someone into giving you a bunch of free stuff, teaching you how to dance, meeting a bunch of new people, taking you to the biggest party in town, then just randomly say "I'm tired of your games" and run away, post hurtful lies about them on the internet and then crack jokes about it. Make sure to paint yourself as a big victim and garner a bunch sympathy for how harmed you were by this giving person that you took for a ride.

You are unbelievably disingenuous. I had no idea anyone was capable of that level of hypocrisy!

I did not respond to this email. This is complete and utter bull crap. I paid for more than 50% of our dates using money I had borrowed for the business. I drove him around and never asked for gas money. I took him to parties and introduced him to the movers and shakers. I gave him more gifts than he gave me.  In fact, he usually broke up with me before major gift giving holidays and my birthday.  I'd still get him stuff.

Yes, I have been researching abuse tactics but he doesn't know why. I am trying to understand it so I can get away from it.  Steve is not the worst abuser in my life. There are others.

2. From Steve:

date: Mon, Sep 8, 2014 at 10:58 PM

subject: Thinking

Ya know... I just got to thinking about that psychiatrist saying, "nobody believes the stalking"... and it just dawned on me... that's why you were with me... because I was the only idiot trying to believe in you when it was all the same stuff you do to me. There's no stalking, there's no abuse from him... you're just living off him, in his house for free and got whatever fuck buddy you want on the side. all the time playing the big victim. Holly shit was I blind!

I did not respond to this email either. This is also BS. If he looked at my divorce agreement he would understand why. I took out a loan to survive prior to my divorce. The stalking and dishonoring of the asset distribution was done to keep me dependent on my ex-husband.  Steve made me realize one thing.  This is the email that made me realize that I am safest if I cave to my stalker(s). If it is unbelievable then I have no help. The only way to stay safe would be to keep Michael and his family happy. I cannot see Steve ever again. I cannot have male friends. I cannot run for office. I cannot have my own business or go to school. I get stalked when I do these things. If I want it to end, I have to be and do nothing. I am safer that way.

The most shocking part of this was that Shannon watched me drink coffee with Steve at a Starbucks the day before Thanksgiving. I'm surprised that he forgot about that. A quick Google search leading to a popular hypnotherapist website will confirm that a psychiatrist was with me during a stalking incident in 2009. He wrote on my wall that he was concerned. He wrote that around 1-11-11 after I wrote about being called Satan on the street.

On the bright side, this proves that Steve is a horrible internet stalker.

These type of texts and emails are why I chased Steve away. His vile emails hurt me more than they help me. There are emails. I am finding them on my Gmail account. I can't believe he thought I'd talk to him after sending me such filth.

3. From Steve:

Sent: Tue 9/09/14 12:58 AM

I have witnesses. The girls commented that I was showing my girl a better time than the other guys were. I got comments about how hard I was working to open you up, and get you to have a good time, granting all your requests. And I begged you to open up and talk to me about what your issues were. Then you went online and lied, and made it as if I was trying to shut you down.

I have witnesses.

I also have a witness to you angrily berating me for half an hour for something I didn't do. At all. Amy told me that I never put any pressure on you to go faster, which is exactly what I thought. You had an emotion, you decided to verbally punish me for it, insulting me and my family. Amy also remembers her and I both doing our best to show you a good time - and then you storming off angrily, scaring her birthday, for no reason.

What do you think you're accomplishing? I think there might be something severely, medically wrong with you.

I want an explanation.

My Reply To Steve:

Sent: Tue 9/09/14 7:39 AM

I am not going to read this. I don't care what the outside world sees. I care about what is going on between us.

You owe me an apology for lying about me on Facebook. That's why you were blocked. If my talking for 15 minutes was a problem, it needed addressed prior to Facebook.

I'm not sure I should speak to you again. You are over critical. There is no such thing as constructive criticism. The message is that I am not enough.

I did glance and read the part about [your daughter] having an opinion about us. Amy doesn't know about how you to told me that it is better if I am quiet about my anxieties. Those anxieties are keeping me from pursuing any relationship at this time. She doesn't know about the nonsensical arguing that I think is designed to run me out of your apartment. She doesn't know about the disrespectful emails that I have forgiven you for yet cannot forget. She doesn't know how my fear of criticism keeps me from being free around you.

You obviously do not know because you don't listen to me.

If I must be quiet, I cannot be intimate with you. It's best to end the relationship now.

Act like a grownup or get out of my life - for good.

4. From Steve:

Sent:Tue 9/09/14 7:58 AM

Stop lying about online, retract your lies you have posted now - like a grown up, and I will be out of your life. As long as I need to defend myself from your slander, I will.

I did not have time to reply to this message.

5. From Steve:
Sent: Tue 9/09/14 8:09 AM

I've given you every apology you ever asked for. I've apologized for things I never did. If you want another one, learn to communicate like a civil human being.

My reply to Steve:

Stop it, Steve.

Communication does not involve telling people that it is best that they stay quiet. You are trying to control my communication. I draw the line at that. That is actually something that sociopaths do.

You've never apologized. You've threatened. You've been too busy to talk to me. Our connection was waning because I couldn't figure out how to talk to you without you taking offense.

In the last email I bothered to read, you gave me an ultimatum, a very hurtful one. You said you couldn't be my friend if I didn't take down posts (that are actually helping friends of mine) and say nice things about you online. I will NEVER, EVER have sex with a man who cannot be my friend.

Then, I want to break up with you over those things your therapist allegedly said. You claimed that I had you hooked (hmmmm......women do that by threatening to take your money, your children, and tell you you cannot date other people). I'm not the one doing those things. You wrote on Facebook that your therapist said not to talk to people who make you feel like shit. You claim I make you feel like shit. The most humane thing I can do is stay away.

This is my reasoning.

My advice to you would be to get help for your issues with your mother and stop annoying your girlfriends with tests. You'll be so much happier that way.

I would say that you are the one not communicating like a human being. I am not giving ultimatums. I am trying to stay sane. I am not pushing. I am not telling people to be quiet. I never called you a sociopath. I never called you a "looser." I never misunderstood a Bettleheim fairy tale theory with an insult.

If you cannot treat me with respect, please follow your threat to find someone kinder than me. Please...if you're going to continue to be mean to me....stay away.

I've had enough.

At this point, I posted this Facebook Status. I did not expound upon it. I simply posted this quote:

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner's love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother's love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love.

This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.” ― Bell Hooks

Within minutes, I got this email:

8. From Steve:

Sent:Tue 9/09/14 8:27 AM

[Siegfred] you are making allegations about me and my mother that are not true. I told you I want to be friends - why not fixate on that? I have apologized. [My daughter] saw me apologize for something I didn't do.

Whatever you want, ask. That's love.

I'm asking you to stop posting things I find insulting and defamatory to my character - you are refusing my request? Is that love? Is that friendship?

My reply:

Sent: Tue 9/09/14 9:19 AM

Steve,

How do you know what I post is about [your mother] and not [my former mother-in-law]? How do you know it was about you and not Mike?

It's about you now.

Right now, I consider your conduct abusive.

Please do not contact me again.

I haven't checked all of my email accounts yet. I'll try to avoid the urge to give you closure.

No...you cannot sue me for anything. Try it. It won't work. I was involved in a suit against the city for slander. The courts set the bar pretty high. Stop making threats.

9. From Steve:
Sent:Tue 9/09/14 9:24 AM

[Siegfred]... Call me! I am honestly concerned about you. I am not trying to hurt you. You are doing things that make my life difficult. I just want you to stop. Stop shutting me down, stop blocking me, stop telling me to shut up. Call me. Be nice.

My reply:

Sent: Tue 9/09/14 9:40 AM

You are making up a lot of stuff. I can't deal with it.

The threats don't help. I won't spend my life with a man who makes threats.

I have NO clue what lies I've told. You've put most of the stupid obnoxious crap in writing. It would be incredibly easy to prove what I say. Screenshots....I can share everything.

Stop it!

You TOLD ME to shut up. Stop with the projections. That IS a big part of emotional abuse. I don't like the label abuse. I prefer to call them intimacy killers. You're engaging in them. I get the sense you are testing me for some stupid reason.

I told you to leave me alone because I am tired of the games.

Besides, if I am a danger to [your daughter], you're better off not being near me.

See? the games backfire, don't they?

Ugh!!!

10. From Steve:

Sent: Tue 9/09/14 9:46 AM

I'm not playing games. I am concerned about you. I am not concerned about anything else. Just what you are experiencing right now. I am concerned about you, now. I'm not pushing any agenda. I really think you need grounding with someone who knows you. Then you can leave me and burry me in a hole if you want. But now - I think you need an emotional check with a friend.

Please call.

I did not have time to respond to this message.

11. From Steve:

Tue 9/09/14 9:50 AM

Stop you character assassination campaign, issue an apology, and I'll be gone. If you are going to persist in accusing me of abuse, hire an attorney. If my mother finds out you are posting about her mothering skills - what happens to you won't be in my control.

My reply:

I have not assassinated your character. Perhaps I should share screen shots over Facebook? I can prove what I say, I just thought that would be a little over the top.

Maybe you're drinking so much you're forgetting what you are doing and saying.

I should never have to put up with the shit you did. Stop blaming me for the screw ups you made with your daughter. I don't need to hang out by myself in a pot filled stadium.

NEVER contact me again. You made it clear you didn't want the relationship on 8/29. There is not point contacting me now. Be gone. I'm starting the process of blocking your emails again.

Damn.....

At this point, I let everyone know that I'm considering deleting the post about men testing women because I was threatened with a lawsuit from an individual I blocked. My friends start telling me to get rid of the person who did that.

*******

Believe it or not there is more crap. It is hard to put together a timeline because he wrote me on numerous email accounts.

How could someone accuse me of lying about the stalking, stealing from my ex and expect to talk to me?

I'll post the rest tomorrow morning and clean up the post.

I want a paper trail just in case something happens.

If something happens in the next few days, don't blame anyone else.

It'll probably be my fault.

I'm really depressed.

I want to get my business back. I want to get away from my ex and his family.

Right now, I'm scared to advertise. I'm scared to put a shingle on my office door. I am terrified of making a move.

Members of Mike's family have stalked me at my offices. They've stalked me at school.

I am scared.

The worst part is that NO ONE BELIEVES ME!

I am to the point of no longer wanting to reach out.

I just want to be alone.
I am realizing that I am safest if I give Michael and his family whatever the heck they want. I'll call a victim's advocate in the morning to see if I can come up with a plan to stay safe while staying here. I can't afford to leave until I get that money I was supposed to get on November 1, 2013. I'm still in limbo.

Until I know what is going on with the stalking, I just want to isolate myself.

It doesn't matter.

There really is nothing I can do.

I have hidden all of the sharp knives in the house.

I threw away my pills.

I do fantasize about driving to the mountains and attaching a hose to my car -but then- who would pick the girls up from school?

This is only a temporary problem. I pray that it will only a matter of time before something breaks and I can free myself from my situation.

What I want is the truth.

I want to know what happened.

I want to know why Michael's family did what they did.

I want to know why they are doing what they are doing.

I want to know whether or not Michael can be trusted.

That, and I want a more fair divorce settlement.

I don't think giving me the house was fair.

I don't need some guy second guessing me and calling me a liar.

I'm trying to do the right thing.

Love ya,

S. Edit 9/20/14 - I found EVEN more obnoxious emails.  These are dated prior to 9/8/14.  In these Steve writes to say that I need to shut the f*ck up.  He makes very bizarre claims in them about me.  Those hurt too much to share. 

He has allegedly threatened me on Facebook with comparisons to James Holmes and there was something about a woman looking like me being covered in blood.  A lawyer friend has been looking at Steve's profile: She reported the posts to Facebook.  I never saw them.  The last post of his I saw claimed that I was an emotional abuser because I was terrified of losing the relationship.  That was on 9/1/14.  I blocked him after that. 

Now, threats of me being bloody?  Me being a murderess?   He's telling everyone I'm a psychopath.  Goodness,  I am terrified. 

Who is this guy?

I have no clue what I can say to him.

I was afraid to talk to him on the first of September after the weird messages I got that day.  Now....I'm seriously terrified. 

I don't know what I am dealing with.

It reminds me of the issues with my ex's family.

What am I dealing with?

My lawyer friend works with alcoholics who have lost their driver's licenses.  She says she has seen alcohol induced narcissism in some of her clients.  She also says they tend to focus on irrelevant facts to make cases and can often express a great deal of paranoia.  It's a disease.  She gave me the name of a good treatment provider but told me NOT to go near Steve.  She thinks he is dangerous. 

I'll keep the original post in tact.  If I strengthen up my emotional constitution and can get through the day without crying, I'll post the remainder of the emails.

Like I said, stalking doesn't hurt nearly as badly as being treated like you are garbage and lied about online.  

There is another development.  Mike is promising to go into therapy to try to get me back.  I don't know.  I don't trust him.  We've danced this dance before.  He pretended to go to therapy while hanging out at McDonalds.  I caught on when I didn't see any bills from the shrink.

He also offered me money to see the private investigator of my choice to help get strategies for dealing with his sister stalking me.  I declined.  I don't want to steal from my ex-husband.

There was a sad development today.  Mike's  doctor sent a certified letter begging him to get treatment for his high blood pressure and dropping him as a client.  I've never heard of a doctor doing that.  Is he afraid of being sued for lack of treatment?

I don't want Michael to die while he is living in my house.

I want him to live a long, happy life.

Maybe that is why I help him too much. 

What do I owe the man who allowed his family to stalk me? 

He gave me a house.  I don't want the house.  I'm trying to fix it up to sell it.  This is a losing battle. 

I'm crying again. 

I just want everyone to be happy.

I want to be fair.

I want to be just.

I try to be kind.

Why is it so hard?

Why is my life such a damn mess?

Maybe if I get a job in another state.....maybe then......I can move forward without fear. 

Wish me luck! 

Love ya,

S. 

This is my marker so I remember what email I forgot to post.  Steve had sent them to several email accounts.  It's hard for me to put them in a timeline. 

More to come: 12. From Steve:

Sent:

Tue 9/09/14 10:20 AM to S*****D****