Accepting Anxiety & Giving Into It (2nd edit)

Today I am thankful for confusion: It gives me a chance to work things out.


This is a working post.  I'll write it in starts and fits.  It's not going to make sense.  It started as a Facebook post.  I saw Steve lying about me on Facebook.  He called me an emotional abuser and claimed I talked non-stop for 15 minutes (he interrupts too much for that to ever happen).  I blocked him.

I was informed that I was being vilified on Facebook.  I thought about addressing it publicly but then I realized that he's probably reading this.  So, I'll stick it here.  It's less embarrassing for him.

*****
Facebook BS:
I have friends who are telling me that Steve is calling me a liar.  I have two words for him: Screen Shots.   I can prove what I say.  I just choose to take the high road.  I share enough to give him closure but not enough to tell other people what is going on.

Please....just....stop.  I'm starting to feel like throwing up upon hearing his name.  How could I allow myself to get sucked into another manipulative relationship?  I feel like shit.

I keep remembering the Facebook posts where he claimed his therapist told him not to associate with people who kept throwing him away.  He disrespects me.  I leave to take stock of my self-esteem.  I will never understand how leaving a relationship to save your mental health is throwing another person away.

Steve kept coming back.  We try to work through it.  I forgive but I can't quite forget.  It impacts my interactions with him.  He promised me relationship coaching but I know that will never come to fruition.

With this latest round of painful disrespect, I feel that I must honor the directives of his shrink and not inflict further damage upon him by talking to him again.  I'll stay away. 

*****
On Being an Libertarian Activist dating an Anarchist:

Steve likes to argue about the stupidity of politics.  He tends to like to do this when I am driving.  He talks about how the only way of dealing with the government is to ignore it.   It tends to involve put downs and complaints about my viewpoint.  He'll also confuse my calling an argument "silly" with calling him "silly".


How does one explain to anyone that sitting back and letting the politicians do what they will won't help people?  I understand the theory.

The world needs people of every stripe.  I'm the brat who will get a group of people together to fight to save the elderly $20 a month I tax hikes because the city council has a pet project that will benefit their developer friends.  We fight tax hikes.  We win.  We win because we highlight the times that the government breaks its promises. 

Steve wanted to complain about a liberal who was threatening to sue a government entity for cutting promised services.  He was upset the liberal was rude to the messenger.  I saw a liberal experiencing an awakening.  I saw it as an opportunity to educate the angry man. 

We fought about that.  It led to a personal insult.  I became angry.


I get in a lot of arguments with Steve because I try to sway people by stepping into their shoes.  I can't use the argument that 'the government shouldn't exist.'    He may be able to change things that way.  I don't know. 

I have a different method.  I'll probably write about it later.

Loner is My Relationship Status:

I decided that I need to be alone.

In recent days,   I had such ugly emails sent to me that I stopped checking them. 

Maybe I owe this person closure. 

I cannot be close to another human being on an intimate level if I cannot talk about my fears surrounding that.  The words 'shut up' keep me quiet.  Shushing me keeps me quiet.  Telling me that I cannot talk about my fears and anxieties makes me hold back.

If he wanted to move in with me, I had to make room for him in this house.  I needed my ex-husband to move out.  I needed to cleanse the space. Or I had to clear up space in my life for that.  That means, dealing with the anxiety that won't leave me alone.  I wanted to brainstorm fair ways of getting my ex-husband out of the house.  

*****
On Victimhood and Guilt:

I can't get real help from shrinks.  It sucks being labeled a stalking victim or victim of domestic abuse because you are told to start acting like the abuser.  With regard to my ex-husband, shrinks say...."throw him out"....."say something that he hates and record him losing his mind"...."get a restraining order"....."do what you have to do to get rid of him". 

Wouldn't that make me abusive?

The problem of dealing with abuse by acting like an abuser is that it eats at your self-esteem  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Kicking him out in the street would have traumatized the kids.  It would have made me feel like shit.  There has to be a win-win.

There has been a little research about how vicitms are encouraged to act like abusers.  I posted that to Facebook. I have a lot of therapist buddies that could stand to be enlightened on the topic.  I think my posts pissed someone off.  I was told to delete my posts about abuse or Steve couldn't be my friend anymore.

So...I lost a friend.  I have always made it clear that I could never have a lover who was not my friend.  But that is another story.  I could not have moved forward with Steve until I cleaned up the stuff with my ex-husband.


Compassion trumps making legal demands.  It is slower but it is easier to get what you want.  It is cheaper than legal fees, too.

I found a win-win with the money that has been withheld.  I had $18.2K transferred into an IRA in my name yesterday.  I did it this way to spare my ex the tax implications of following the orders.  He was supposed to present me with $28K in cash.   Now, I just have to have him sign a payment agreement for the rest of the money.  Yes, I will be responsible for the taxes on it, so it will be hard to access the money but at least I took control of it before the rest of it was spent!

I found a win-win.  It worked!!  I wanted to do that with the domestic living arrangement issue, too.

*****

On Being Killed Softly:

I trusted Steve.



He's been shushing me most of our relationship.  I figured I'd deal with stuff on my own.  He recently asked me to tell him everything because he wanted to be tight.  The biggest issue impacting my ability to be sexually intimate is communication (I don't feel safe enough to be me).   The second issue is having my ex's energy on my clothing.  It's hard to be intimate when my ex's aura is hanging around. 


I tried to talk about it.  I was told to shut up.  He didn't yell.  He was very gentle about it.  It wasn't said in the heat of anger.  It was said as though he honestly believed that I needed to be quiet.   I was told that I was healthier not talking about my anxieties.

The icing on the cake was complaining about me not talking.  When I mentioned why I was silent, I was told I had always been that way.   It is my fault we break up. 


I realize that I leave when I am disrespected.  I get hurt when Steve tells  people we are living together (and we are not).  I get hurt when he calls me names.  I get hurt when he claims I don't know what I'm talking about and should shut up (as I was told he did on Facebook yesterday).

The other issue is the name calling and disrespect.  Over the past year, I keep reflecting on the things I read about myself in emails.  I don't do anything.  I'm a sociopath.  I'm a looser.  I'm volunteering more now.  I went into therapy and was told to dump the person who called me a sociopath.  I contacted a cosmetic surgeon to fix the sags and bags.

Yeah, I wasn't joking when I was talking about chronemics.  I gave up trying to explain it.  The science of time and non-verbal communication has expanded since I was in graduate school, so my understandings are simplistic.  I am what they used to call an 'out of time' person.  I put people above my schedule. 

I find it hard to drive like a bat out of Hades to accommodate an 'in time' person whose schedule trumps people, especially when they trusted another 'out of time' person to keep their schedule.

It's a long story.  I'll try to share.  His mother has been trying to dictate what we do when I visit him; she's getting passive aggressive.  She can be over an hour late but, somehow, I have to compensate for her games by driving like  a speed demon and risking the lives of everyone else on the road.  I can't do that.  If he can't set a boundary with a mother to save his schedule, we'll be late.  




*****
On Noticing that I AM the Loser in the Relationship:  

There was aha moment in this last relationship. 


Last April (or maybe March), Steve and I made an agreement.  If I bought the tickets to the Pagan festival, he would buy tickets to the Phish concert.  I thought he had.  I would have bought them if I thought there would be trouble. 

He had a friend buy three sets for him.  Upon arriving to the venue, I learned that there were seven floor tickets.  Everyone had a ticket.  Steve and his friend started to talk and the friend went over and sold a set of tickets to three young men. 

Within minutes I learned that they were short one set of tickets.  Steve said that they had sold mine.  I never understood why the guy that sold the tickets wasn't the one to lose his.  I can't understand why Steve didn't lose his tickets.  The ones that were sold were dictated to be mine.  There were no more floor tickets.  I would have to be flexible.  Perhaps this was a test.

At this moment, I started to wonder if this would be a way of life.  If I married this man, would I be the loser if anything went wrong?  Would I have to be the one to give up what I want?  Would I be the one to always make the sacrifice?  Would I be the sacrificial lamb?  

I wondered if this was a test.  I wondered if I should go home. 

We were lucky.  Some friends of Steve sold him general admission stand tickets.  I would have to stay in the stands.  Steve and his daughter could dance on the floor.



I stood alone at a concert nearly in tears when the man behind me jumped over the seats and asked me to dance.  I declined.  As the evening wore on, Steve and his daughter returned, they stood with their backs to me not acknowledging my presence.  The man behind me stayed.  He was in his groove and he still acknowledged me more that the people I was with.  It would have been inappropriate to dance with him.  The reason is that the man claiming to be my boyfriend was the guy with his back to me. 

It would have been inappropriate to dance with this other guy.  He was a stranger.  I never met him but his face was familiar.  He was selling tie dyed t-shirts in the camp we were staying at. 

It was a can of worms I did NOT want to open up.

That was eye opening.  It made me cry.  It made me leave the concert.  I wanted to leave the venue.  Steve told me to be quiet, let it go, and give him a good weekend.  I did.  I never told him about this guy trying to share his groove.


I left the concert and went to the camp to get my clothes.  I called my ex-husband to make sure that I could give Steve the tent, camp stove, table and other gear I brought.  I did not want a repeat of the chair issue where Steve broke up with me, threatened to throw away the chairs and Michael decided that he wanted them.  Michael said he could replace them.  I decided that I would wait until the concert was over, take Steve's daughter to meet her guardians, drop Steve back off at the camp and leave.

Sometimes the kindness of others makes me cry.  There was a sweet moment with three young men smoking pot waiting in the camp while the concert was going on.  I walked by.  One of them noticed my tears and started strumming a tune while his friend pointed at me while telling me to smile because I'm pretty awesome.  It made me miss my musician days.  I forgot how positive stoners were.  Everyone is awesome.  Everybody should be treated with respect.  Everybody should be given the opportunity to smile.   I think I lost it shortly after that.  If I were so awesome, why was I feeling so shitty?  Do I do things to make other people feel shitty?


I waited for Steve and his daughter at my car.  When I dropped his daughter off, Steve convinced me to stay.  He wanted to have a good weekend.  I stayed because I didn't want to embarrass him.  He did reiterate that he felt I needed to be quiet instead of talking about my anxieties.  I realized that the connection was dying and without honest communication about anxieties, it would never grow.  The relationship had to end.  I tried talking about it but Steve denied that the connection was dying because I was crying.  That was frustrating!


I know I'll be vilified.  I know everyone will hear how I clammed up and stopped talking.  He tells people that I am dysfunctional because I "fear loss."  He tells people that I am afraid of commitment and intimacy.  No...I need to feel secure with a man to be intimate with him.  I feel closed off.  That's what the words 'shut up' do.  That is what shushing does.  The shushing has been going on the duration of the relationship.  

I had an anxiety that was keeping me from pushing forward in the relationship.  That anxiety was the pressure that I felt to allow my ex-husband to stay in the house.  I wanted to brainstorm options.  I need to talk it out. 

I was told to shut up.  I was told not talking about my anxieties was good for me.  I cried throughout the weekend.  I can't fathom how to be in an intimate relationship with someone who tells me to shut up.

I don't know.  I tried to post something about intimacy breakers.  Steve wanted me to tell him everything.  Then he told me to shut up.

Steve wrote back and told me to remove my posts or he couldn't be my friend.  I didn't name him in it.  I thought it would be a good community service post for other women I know who are truly being abused.  It also gave me insight into what happened between Michael and myself.  I learned through that link that I gave too much to men, so they learn to take advantage of me. 

I kept the link up and figured Steve wouldn't be my friend.  I stopped checking my email.  The things he sends me when he is angry can be quite toxic and weigh on my mind for months. 

*****


Then when my daughter was borrowing my cell phone, Steve sent a text asking me to post three things to Facebook to show everybody what an "awesome boyfriend" he was.  He wanted me to stroke his ego.  May daughter shared the texts with everyone, her dad/my ex-husband, her sisters, and people visiting.  I was embarrassed. 

I don't use my cell phone anymore. I'll just forward my business calls to another line until I can prepare myself for an onslaught of pain.

I can't deal with this any more.


I will not check my emails because I don't want to feel the need to question anything else about my appearance and character.  I don't have the energy to deal with it.  I've got more important things to do today.

I have decided to consider returning to my old way of life and not dating.  I was having a hard time getting away from it.  Maybe it is where God wants me to be.  At least here, I don't have to deal with put downs and constant ego stroking.

*****

Our family is having issues with the public school.  Many of the families in my neighborhood have moved away or chosen new schools due to a bullying epidemic in the local system.  My ten year old is  getting hit in class and the teachers are saying that she is a "Debbie Downer" so she causes kids not to like her.  My theory is that a teacher labeled her and the kids and other teachers are reacting to that.  I think she needs to attend another school to get away from the label.

When confronted, the teacher blamed my divorce for the problem.  She said my kid was misreading the playful hits from other kids as punching due to problems at home.

Typically, the principal will play psychobabble games (until I start talking the talk).  Then, they'll play political games (until I namedrop my board member I talked into running for the seat).  Now, they blame my divorce.  The teacher and principal shut up when I said that my ex and I still share the same house.  So, maybe, letting him stay will keep the schools from using my divorce as an excuse to ignore bullying.

All is well.  My ten year old went with me to see a bunch of local artists.  She's excited.  She's happy.  Maybe I need to get her into a school that will inspire her creativity.  She needs to find her passion.  She needs to find her inner joy.  You can't do that with negative people. 

****

I don't know.  I've spent three days in tears.  I realize that maybe Steve is right. 

I should ignore the object of my anxiety.  I should NOT talk about it.  I should NOT talk about the stalking.  I should NOT worry. 

I should  let it do anything it wants to do.  I should let it follow me around.  I should let it hug me.  I should accept it and let it fester. I should allow it to hang around as long as it wants so that I do not date ever again.  

I don't think I am going to get away from the situation easily.  Maybe I should just accept it until I can work my way out of it ON MY OWN.

Oh yeah.....if a man finds the right person....he realizes that there are much more fun things for her to stroke than his ego.  Que Billy Squier.

Good luck.  Let me have peace now.