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If You Can't Beat 'Em

Today I am thankful for my lack of options.



Yesterday my neighbor propositioned me....

for sex.

He's a good friend.  We've had each other's backs for nearly fifteen years.

I fight battles for him.

He fights battles for me. 

Yesterday he reminded me conversations about my celibacy that we've had for over ten years. 

He wanted to help. 

I declined. 

I have a specific reason for declining. 

I may share.

I may not.

It's not about him. 

I want to see a doctor before getting involved with anyone else.

******

My ex-husband asked me to stay with him for the sake of the kids.

I declined.

Maybe I should reconsider. .

******

My grandmother had a saying.

"If you can't beat 'em..... join 'em."

I am realizing that the stalking will never end.

When my ex moves out of the house, the stalking will get worse.

It won't end.

He seems much more happier now that Steve is out of the picture.

The kids seem happier. 

I'm in pain. 

I'm not sure if it is because I love Steve -or- if I am chastising myself because I let him trick me into believing he was something that he was not. 

He didn't want intimacy.

He was trying to mold me into some type of trophy.  I just couldn't whip myself into shape fast enough. 

*******

I really don't know what to do. 

I feel stuck. 

That was what the stalking and financial abuse were intended to do.  Those behaviors were intended to tie me to Michael and make it difficult for me to move on. 

I guess it worked. 

I'm in pain.

*******
I really hope Steve was wrong about the medical issue.  He alluded to it being a psychiatric issue.

It's not.  I'm late.  I think it is stress.  This seems to happen every time he goes on a verbally abusive tirade.

If he's right about it being a medical issue, I guess that will spell a quick end to Michael living here.

I am not sure I'd tell Steve. 

I don't know who he is. 

I can't trust him anymore.

I wouldn't want to risk a little one being subjected to a parent prone to verbally abusive behaviors.

The legal fees would probably cost more than any child support he'd pay.  He and his parents like to threaten to abuse the judicial system. 


First things first, let me down loads of vitamin C and black cohosh and hope it spells the end of things.

Maybe it's nothing. 

I'll try to get to see a doctor soon.  I hate having crappy health insurance.  It may take awhile to see someone.

*****

This little scare has got me thinking about what is best for children.  Staying with their father, even if I'm being stalked, is probably in their best interests.

That was a sad realization.   

I am a parent.  My needs are secondary to the needs of my children...born and unborn.


Love ya,

S.

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