Dime Stores

Today I am thankful for 24 hour drug stores.

Fearing that Steve would run to Facebook and whine about his therapist claiming that I am abusing him by hooking him, I went to a 24 hour drug store and overpaid for a test.

It came back negative.

I'm still going to the doctor.  People who lie to control relationships usually tend to lie about who they have slept with.  I'm worried about STDs now. 


There may have been a more concerning reason for him lying.  He could actually believe the lies.  It could be an issue with substance abuse, which also makes me worry about STDs due to the possibility of doing things one cannot remember while drunk.

*****
I am wondering how I got in another abusive relationship.


I think is because my mother was a narcissistic alcoholic.  She taught me to put up with her crap.  She'd lie about me.  I'd do whatever I could to make her happy so I wouldn't be embarrassed. 

I'd do whatever it took to keep her lies to a minimum.

I have become sensitized to narcissistic/alcoholic behavior.

When my mom and grandma died, I wound up living with my uncle.  His girlfriend did the same thing.  I ran away over her behavior.  Her name was Judy.  She would literally dig out tampons from the trash and put them on the dining room table before inviting guests over.  Then she'd shame me for my hygiene.  She also claimed I stole some silverware.  That ended when one of the guests found it on the table.  You guessed it!  She used that silverware as part of the table settings.
. 

My former in-laws, those jerks that stalk me, are alcoholics.  I would characterize Michael as a dry drunk.  Dry drunks are people who act like alcoholics but do not drink alcohol.

*****


With Steve the shaming happened every three weeks or so. 

It began last fall, I was having stalker issues.  It always seems to pick up in late October.


Shannon showed up in public watching me.  One day, I posted something to Facebook about it so people would know what happened if I turned up dead or injured.  I spent the day talking to a private investigator.  I turned off my phone while taking down his personal safety tips.

I didn't answer my phone.


Steve went to Facebook telling everybody that I made him feel like a bad boyfriend.  He didn't tell them what happened.  He didn't tell them that I failed to answer the phone.  He just said that I made him feel bad about himself.


His ex girlfriend had to calm him down.  Mutual friends were telling him to dump someone who treats him like that.


That was shaming.  I felt compelled to attend to him and do what he wanted to stave off embarrassment. 

I did post a song for him, hoping to reframe the bad boyfriend feeling.





When that didn't work, I think we broke up.  He came back.


We should have stayed broken up. 

******
We also broke up when I set up an appointment with a therapist.  I was having trouble kissing him and wanted to fix it.  It was only recently that I was able to uncover why I had a fear of sex. 

I was raped at 17.  The rapist grabbed my neck and held me down. I spent many years in therapy working that one out.  I think it was re-advertently triggered.  That happens.  Sometimes during times of trauma, old traumas are awakened.  I was already traumatized by the stalking.  This wasn't his fault.

It took me too long to realize why I was afraid to kiss Steve.  My first night with him, he actually initiated things my grabbing my neck tightly.  Then he dragged me to the bedroom. 

It must've been bad because he wrote the next day fearing that I would call the police.

I had no intention of it.  I could have kicked his ass if I didn't like him.

He was upset that I went into therapy the following week.   I think he mentioned that on Facebook, too.

I discovered that I had a fear of sex.  I wanted to get over it.  I wasn't my usual playful, sensual self.

My philosophy is that the most loving thing you can do for your partner is to take responsibility for your issues so they don't weigh on the relationship.

This was why I went to therapy.  I wanted to get over my fear of kissing him.  It isn't one of those things where you say just get over it already.  I think this is why I have anxiety when I visit with him.  I think I am afraid that he's going to grab my neck and choke me.  When things settle down, the anxiety goes away.  For those first hours, I am a jumpy mess.

I never really got help with that.  The therapist wanted to concentrate more on dealing with the stalking.  This is a theme, the shrinks want to work backwards.  They want me safe from the stalker before helping me deal with the things that can help me feel better about myself. 

They do not understand. The stalker isn't going away.  I am trapped unless I move far away.  Stalkers are irrational.  They do what they want to do.  If I want to be rid of it, I have to change everything about myself. 

I need to make the most of the other aspects of my life.

I can't be with a guy until I work that one out.  It was eye opening.  I remembered this after Mike bought me a necklace for my birthday.  He mentioned that the proudest moment of his life was when I finally let him touch my neck.  I didn't let him put the necklace on me.  I'm still a tad bit hurt by the nonsense.

*****
This make up ad break up business has become a pattern.  It's happened much more than every three weeks.  The last time, he tried to tell everyone I was an emotional abuser because I talked for 15 minutes and that I acted that way out of fear of losing the relationship.  Again, he was vague.  He didn't tell anyone what had happened, what was said, or what my motivations were.

My friends said he did this two weeks ago.  He claimed I badmouthed his saintly mother (who apparently helps homeless people, too).  Imagine my anger when I was told that Steve is talking about how karma is going to get me. 

Is that a threat?


I think that was in response to my trying to talk about time as a means of non-verbal communication.  I am poly-chronistic.  I suspect his mother is, too.  We multitask and put people ahead of schedules.  Steve called his mother passive aggressive.  I was trying to explain that it could be a difference of how we use time.  Steve appears to worship his schedule: We put people first.  That's not necessarily passive-aggressive. 

In this, too...we see a man badmouthing his mom and blaming me....publicly.


Much like my mother, Steve uses triangulation to shame and control me.  He also lies about me and claims that I do the things he does.  It makes my head spin.

If I leave, he publicly vilifies me for not being committed to the relationship.  See?  That's the problem.  If he's treating me like crap, he's not committed to me.  I don't have to put up with nonsense.  If a man chooses to behave that way, he is choosing to end the relationship.

I realize that I should have run far away at the first sign of manipulation. 


From this day forward that is what I shall do.


*****
I fear he'll come back wanting another chance.  I don't know.  He's triangulated so much, I'm sure he's got a lot of people convinced that I am the abuser so I don't think it is fixable.  That is why I stopped answering his emails.  The triangulation was too much.

He has to deal with the alcoholism.  He'll have to change how he allows his family to meddle with his time. 

He'd have to be in recovery. 

I am not rejecting him. 

I am saying yes to having a life free of chaos. 

Alcohol causes chaos. It is unacceptable.

I found numerous links where people describe being with a kind partner, only to have them become abusive and controlling when they drink.  I'll just share one.  Maybe, I'll share two. There actually was a woman whose story sounded just like mine (without the axe throwing....well, he spilled Axe Body Spray on me once but that doesn't really count).


Alcoholism causes delusions.  It causes paranoia.  Those tend to exacerbate abusive tendencies.

I think the abuse is designed to control me so that I don't take control of his life like his mother did.  I think Steve was initially attracted to my assertiveness but it became scary for him, so he started to abuse me. 

I hope he goes into recovery before entering into another relationship.

I don't think I can trust him again. 

Those lies were too much for me to bear.


I can't be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.  I think this is why he is delusional.  I think this is why he forgets what he says and does.  I think this is why he has bouts of paranoia.

It is alcoholism.

I may post more about why I say that -but- I probably won't.  Let's just say, I suspect it runs in his family of origin.   

This man should be the last person on my mind.

He went too far when he lied about me, sent me abusive emails, then denied everything he did.  That is a hallmark of an abuser - blaming you for his abuse. Everything he did to me, he claimed I did to him.

Lucky for me, he left a paper trail.  That helps me reality check the situation.  If he doesn't know he does this when he is sober, he has a substance abuse problem.

*****
Hope you have a great day.  I'm trying to pull myself out of a depression.  Hopefully, I get my bearings soon. 


Love,

S.