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Recognizing Psychological Abuse





Today I am thankful that I recognize relationship abuse. 




I'm still sad.

I thought Steve would be different.  For all the talk about anarchy and freedom, it simply didn't exist in our relationship.  I blamed the fact that I couldn't get my ex-husband to move on.  I blamed myself.

It doesn't matter. 

It is weird having my ex-husband explain to me how he took control of our relationship years ago.  Yes, he says that he knows what he did.  Yes, he said most men know the games they play.  Yes, most men do it for control.

That is validating. 

It's painful. 

It's validating. 

I know what my problems are.  I always do my best to see the best in other people.  I know that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes.  My issue?  Well, I am too forgiving and I feel badly when I break up with someone for hurting me. 

I couldn't take it anymore. 

I couldn't. 

I'm still trying to escape my former marriage.  It's weird.  Divorce didn't change much.  The only thing that has changed is that I am not on the hook for my ex-husbands financial problems. 

He's still here.  I feel compelled to allow him to stay here and get healthy for the sake of my children before he moves on.  I truly fear he is going to die within the next few years IF he doesn't get the surgery he needs.  The kids need him.  I can't throw him out. 

This is probably why Steve acted out.  I couldn't make him feel secure in our relationship. 

There is no excuse for the mind games or the name calling.  There is no excuse to running to Facebook lying about me.  He's done it several times before.  I think it is to get the attention of an ex-girlfriend that he is still in love with.  She'd always respond to console him.  His relatives always spoke highly of her.  If he needs her, that's okay.  He should follow his heart and go to her.

The verbal and emotional abuse is time consuming.  I don't like labeling it abuse.  He labeled it abuse when he accused me of emotionally abusing him by talking for fifteen minutes. 

He's right.  What was going on was abuse -but- I was not the abuser.  I wasn't pushing an agenda.  I wanted things to unfold naturally. 

Abuse  is what it is.  I just can't take it anymore. It was hurting my self-esteem.  I felt like I was carrying a dark cloud over my head everywhere I went.  It really hurt my ability to look for work. 

I have had 15 days of no contact.  I feel lighter.  I feel happier.  I even feel joy.

It's amazing what can happen when you are free of judgment.  I feel hope!  It's a beautiful thing!

What I am going to do is literally define exactly what he was doing that set me off.  I will take the definition of domestic violence and use that.   He didn't live with me.  He didn't hurt me.  His behavior, though, made me afraid to open up to him.  I found myself stuck and hurt.

I trusted Steve.  I really did.  It hurts because I truly loved him.  I felt pressured to change my life to be with him.  Now that there is no pressure, I can see how there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Here are the things that set the stage for domestic violence.  standard definitions of domestic violence.

1.  Isolates you from friends and family:   I believe that Steve used Anarchy as a means to isolate me from friends.  He would pick fights with other Libertarian activists, criticized them personally and harass them.  It always bothered me when they expressed concern that Steve was in my life.  I am thankful that they were cordial. 
Anarchists believe that the government shouldn't exist.  Many of them use that as an excuse NOT to get involved in politics.  If I had no reason to get involved in politics, I would lose a lot of who I am.  I would lose a good chunk of my support network.  I think that Steve knew this.  I believe that Anarchy was a ruse meant to take away that part of my life.  NOTHING and NO ONE will keep me from fighting for other people.  My stalker couldn't even do that: I had a mayoral campaign and fought two tax hikes during the active stalking period.  This year I didn't fight two pending tax hikes.  I will feel incredibly guilty if they pass because they are regressive in nature and will be unfair to the poor.
2.  Is verbally abusive: He constantly criticized me.  He criticized my performance.  He'd make fun of me in front of friends and family.  He also sent me numerous derogatory messages in emails and via text messages.  My friends claim he wrote these things on my Facebook wall but I never saw those.  My friends say that he is running around telling everyone that I'm a narcissist who is punishing him for joking.  Yes, he is claiming that he was joking when he called me a sociopathic, looser [sic], who is lying about being divorced and cheating on her husband with numerous "fuck buddies."   He said a lot of other things, too.  This is why I don't want to speak to him.  It's hurts to have someone you love tell lies about you. 
3.  Blames others for his problems: If I had a concern, he'd turn it back on me.  If I complained that he told me to shut up, he'd claim I told him to shut up.  Then, he'd complain that I didn't open up to him.  This happened a lot with other issues, too.
If he sent me nasty or threatening emails, it was because I touched on a sore spot he had -or- I was not  available to him.  Once he called me a bunch of names because his mother made him eat potatoes.  He was upset that women did not honor his preferences. 
Yes, I admit that after the divorce I had difficulty accessing my money and there were times when my phone and internet service was disconnected as I was awaiting the transfer of them into my name.  I had to use the internet at the library, so I did get my messages on a sporadic basis.  My lack of availability made him threaten me.  He knew what was going on yet he gave me an ultimatum (on Facebook) claiming that if I didn't contact him within a certain time frame he would throw out my property and get a restraining order if I ever contacted him again.  He could have visited me.  There was no excuse for that ultimatum.....none!    That is NOT normal. 
I hate using the word "paranoia" but this man always had a story.  He always thought he could read the minds of other people.  He stated that everyone was conspiring against him to hurt him.  I found that sad.  I always wondered if this was due to betrayal from his mother (she took his child) -or- if it was a function of alcohol abuse.

4.  Alcohol and drug use:  Yes, Steve has an alcohol problem.  It has cost him his driver's license, so I wound up toting him around while he bossed me around.  It was hard.
The last night we were together he drank and smoked pot.  He treated me like crap.  The next morning, I awoke and started packing up our campsite while he slept.  At that point, I felt like a servant.  I realized that I did not want to live my life with someone like that.
 
5.  Does things to instill fear:  The only time I feared him was when he grabbed my neck.  He only did that once.  Now, that said, there were times when he'd threaten to sue me to get me to comply to some demand  He'd also threaten to report innocent activities to authorities to try to get my social networking accounts suspended.   I'm lucky.  Things didn't get that far.
6.  Punishes you for spending time away:  Yes, I once spent a Friday night trying to get my ex to sign a document stating that he would move out on a certain date.  I had spent the afternoon getting the phones and internet service put in my name.  Steve had a major tantrum over this.  I believe we broke up.   He didn't understand that I was trying to make room for him to move in with me (as he had already been telling everyone that we were cohabiting).  He sent me more than a dozen texts during that time I tried to get my ex to sign the document.  I started to cry.  I gave up.  It went nowhere.  I don't think he appreciated that I was trying to move our situation along.  A few days later, he wrote me a Facebook message giving me fifteen minutes to call him in order to get my stuff.  This was when I was trying to get the internet installed at home, so my checking Facebook was abnormal.  He said that if I tried to write after 5:00, he'd get a restraining order against me.  How's that for punishment?   I don't think I trusted him after that. 
7.  Expects you to wait on them like a servant:  Yes, towards the end I felt a bit like a servant.  There was a time when I drove him to hear his hero, Larken Rose, give a speech.  He had me park twenty blocks away in the scary part of town.  The meter would run out 2 hours later, so I found myself walking alone, in the dark and in high heels, to retrieve the car.  I thought it would be okay if it were a one time thing.  No...it got worse.  I found myself playing the role of chauffer; he would text me and tell me when to pick him up from work.  I didn't mind it so long as I believed that I had the option of saying no. I found myself wasting hours waiting on his mother.  I found myself buying birthday gifts for his child that really weren't what I wanted to give her (art supplies) he just wanted me to buy her paper (boring...).  The gift thing hurt my daughter because she considered his daughter her friend and we don't think she got her gifts because no one said a thing. 
The last day we were together, I offered to fill up two one liter bottles of water.  He wanted me to fill up a cooler because I offered to fetch water.  There is a marked difference between filling up small bottles and parading them through a campground and carrying a two gallon cooler.  That pissed me off.
   
8.  Is extremely jealous of all aspects of your life:  He would claim that I was a fake, a fraud, a phony, a bad therapist, a liar, and someone who had never done any political or volunteer work.   He is now vilifying me as a narcissist (just like his ex-wives). 
He could go to YouTube and see political speeches I gave.  He could go to the archives of the local papers and news channels to see stories about me.  It's not my fault he has no clue who I am.  It's a shame.  Maybe he would have treated me better if he knew me.    Maybe he was jealous. 
He aspired to be a radio talk show host.  I would take him out to talk to the movers and shakers.  I would try to get him to expound upon his knowledge.  When the local activists were trying to stop a database from selling information about school children, I invited him along to share his expertise as a Database Manager.  He didn't.  He could have been on the radio!!  I tried.  I really tried. 
9.  Controls you through emotions:  This is where I get angry.  There are so many games that I can't choose which ones to share.  I am realizing that Steve is a grand manipulator.  The games are meant to make me feel guilty.  It didn't matter what I did, I was at fault. 

The first time it happened, I was trying to talk to an expert about stalking.  I hired a therapist.  She's a great therapist, just expensive.  I didn't answer my phone because I was in therapy.  Steve, in his infinite wisdom, went to Facebook to tell the world that I make him feel like he was a bad boyfriend.  He didn't say how.  He didn't explain that it was because I was at the therapist and didn't answer my phone.  He left it vague.  Many people started vilifying me.  Other women tried to comfort him.  That should have been a big red flag.  When I found out, I simply posted a song inviting him to be a fun kind of bad boyfriend.  That smoothed things over.  The damage was done.  People who knew both of us thought I treated him like shit.  That was unfair. 
He claimed on Facebook that his therapist said it is unhealthy to talk to anyone who breaks up with him.  When he started abusing me, I couldn't break up with him because his therapist said it was bad for his mental health.  Mark my words, when he threatened me, I broke up with him.  Once he threatened to stalk me because he thought I was a sociopath.  As a stalking victim, I found that incredibly hurtful.  This time, I finally decided to go no contact and blocked him so he can't disobey the order from a non-existent therapist.
The last time I spoke to him, he made up a game where he claimed that I was abusing him because I wouldn't leave him.  He said that emotional abusers tend to abuse their significant others because they fear losing the relationship.   I left him due to his abusive behavior.  I refused to read any more emails or texts.  I couldn't communicate with him without the barrage of abusive behavior, so I stopped.  He was warned.  He continued.  Now he is claiming that my lack of communication and my leaving was abusive.  I can't win.
Let's see....he invited me to a concert and sold my tickets after we arrived.  I had to settle for different seats. 
I told him that I couldn't make a lover out of a non-friend.  He started to use that to try to control me.  If I didn't communicate to others in the manner he wanted, he would tell me that he wasn't my friend.  I'd break up and he'd say he never said that he couldn't be my friend.  He usually wrote this in emails.  I can prove it.

There was a lot of sulking.  There was a lot of threatening.  It got to the point where he was upset about the things I posted to Facebook and wanted to control the things I posted to Facebook and Pinterest.  He wanted me to remove posts pertaining to emotional abuse and replace them with accolades of him.   One of my friends is being beaten by her fiancé.  I posted for her.  I am finding that the things I was reading about abuse was helping me to understand what was going on between my ex-husband and myself.  I saw that the stuff going on after the divorce was a continuation of what went on in the marriage.
Steve saw that and thought that it made him look bad.  Now everybody KNOWS Mike's family is stalking me.  Many of my friends and family have seen it for themselves.  They know.  They assume that I am talking about Mike.  Steve demanded that I take my posts down and post three nice things about him. 
I refused.  So, Steve ran to Facebook and told everyone that I was emotionally abusing him.  This is why I broke with him.  That is emotional blackmail.  I have received numerous emails since that day that I have never read.  The subject lines are disturbing so I won't read them.  I read some of them.  They were rude. 

Never stay with a man who thinks that women are to be seen and not heard. 


Now, though, after re-reading those things about emotional abuse I am beginning to believe that Steve was engaging in it, too.  Worse, like Michael, he KNOWS what he is doing.  He knows it is wrong.  I cannot deal with that. 
Ummm....there are so many games....too many.....it hurts my head to think of them. 
Abusers will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with their idea of how things should be.  An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assertiveness of what is right for you.  At times they will appear to be sorry and loving when you declare that you have had enough. You might see pleading and even tears as well as proclamations that they will change.  This “remorse” doesn’t last long though and when they feel secure that they have you back, the abuse begins again.

10.  They get physical: Yes, emotionally abusive relationships often morph into physical violence.  The last time I was at his house it was after he wanted a "relationship break" and I interpreted that as a break up.  I tried to tell him what I thought a relationship break was and how it wouldn't help grow the relationship but he was too tired to talk about it and hung up.  I thought we were done.  He asked for a ride to a political event and blamed me for the breach in the relationship.  After that,  I went to his apartment and noticed that the doors to both his microwave and oven were cracked and the handles nearly sheered off.  I can't imagine how that would happen in the span of a week short of someone having a tantrum.  I am afraid of Steve now.  I never got the chance to talk about it.  

*****

If Steve had never called me an emotional abuser, I never would have thought about it.  It dawned on me that someone else had said that about him in the past.  Yeah....I can see why.  He is abusive.  As much as I love him, I feel so much better away from that negativity.  I really do.  I can go to job interviews now and not think that sociopathy is my greatest weakness.  Steve had me convinced that there was something wrong with me.   
*****

I spent the evening talking to one of my activist buddies.  He assures me that Steve is not a real Anarchist.  Anarchists do not threaten to get restraining orders against someone.  Anarchists do not threaten to sue people if they do not comply with their demands.  They believe in the concept of live and let live.  I feel duped.  I'm working on it.  It hurts.  I can't believe I let this man con his way into my life.   I'm angry at myself. 

My ex-husband is having a sleep over elsewhere.  I'm hopeful things are changing.  I'll let you know.  There are days when I feel trapped here.  There are days when I see progress.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm hoping my new therapist can help me find a solution.  I don't like sleeping alone and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. 

Love ya,
S.

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