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Things I Must Remember




Yeah, it is an incredibly corny mix.  The first line speaks to me as I can't stand being told to hold in the sounds of pleasure so I chose this mix.  My favorite line is 'I don't want your love to bring me down.'  
I sang this once to an alcoholic boyfriend.  Back in 1989, it got me a new bass and a huge diamond ring.  Then he tried to kill me.  I spent a few nights in the hospital due to swelling on the brain.  This is why I can't be near alcoholics who are not in recovery. 
 



Today I am thankful for places I can document my anger; it enables me to remember while freeing my soul from it.





First, I should mention that the transfer of assets from my divorce never went through.  The bank rejected my divorce decree.  I'll try again on Monday.

This is frustrating. 


*****


I never really studied emotional abuse before Steve accused me of being an abuser.  I realize that he must have been accused of it himself before.  I saw him in it.


In the beginning,  I saw my ex-husband in it.  In story after story, I read about abusers recruiting their friends and family to stalk and harass their targets. 


Reading that made me cry. 

I would never had examined Steve's behavior if he had not made a public accusation about me. 

I was trying to understand the stalking so I could get away from it.

*****


Steve, he plays mind games.  He also doesn't listen.  I've recently noticed a pattern where he will want something detrimental to the relationship, I'll protest and he'll ignore me.

On the first day of August, he asked me over.  He wanted me to tie him up.  We don't really have a good sexual rapport.  I told him that I was uncomfortable and didn't know what I could do with him tied up.  In the past, he would criticize nearly everything I did.  My touch was too delicate.  The pressure was too tight (good to know) then the pressure was too loose.  Then the tempo was too fast or too slow or too inconsistent.  I really and truly do not know what I can do with him without tying him up.  How could I know what to do when he was unable to move?  He wouldn't listen.  He kept telling me to face my fears.  He spoke over me.  He got pushy.  I panicked.  I went home.

I did ask that we spend my birthday having intimate time so I could figure out what I could do to him naked.  That never materialized.



In early August, I wanted to talk to him about inviting him to family events.  I thought it would help him establish a couple-hood with me.  When I tried to talk, he was always too tired.  I could never seem to talk to him about it. 


A week later, I told him that I felt our connection was dying.  He replied that he wanted to take a break from the relationship for two weeks.  I told him that it wouldn't help and would end the relationship.  He said we'd take a break.  Then he said he was tired to talk about it and hung up. 
I thought that meant that we would break up. 

Now, in the past when he has decided that we have broken up, he'd block me from all his social networks because seeing my face hurt him too much. So, thinking we were broken up, I did what he always did.  I did him the favor of blocking him. 

A few days later, he wanted a ride to hear a friend of mine speak.  Upon leaving the venue, he asked to go for a walk to a park, where the first words out of his mouth were 'What the hell [Siegfred]?" 

It was my fault we had broken up.  He wasn't going to take responsibility for it. 

I tried to tell him how I interpreted 'taking a break.'  I don't know how to reach him before the damage occurs. 

I let him come back.  I let him back on all my social networks because there was a chance that it was a misunderstanding.

This is a recurring theme. 


The Friday I decided to end the relationship was a hellish day.  He was bossing me around.  His mother was trying to dictate my schedule.  I sat in a parking lot for over an hour waiting for her.  She was bringing Steve's daughter so that I could pick her up and bring her to the venue.  Our original plan would have me pick the young lady up from school but somehow, someone wanted to change things. 

Steve had dinner while we waited.  I didn't bring anything to eat to keep my blood sugar up.  I didn't know if I had time to order anything because I wasn't sure when she'd arrive.  I didn't have time to go back to the camp to get a dietetic bar.  

I had a different set of tickets because Steve had his friend sell mine earlier in the day (probably another game).  Steve and his daughter could dance on the floor.  I had to wait in the stands where some other guy was trying to dance with me.

Steve and his daughter returned.  Steve stood a foot away from me with his back turned the entire time.  I felt alone.  It must have been that way for a couple of hours.

I went through the evening in tears.  Steve didn't notice.  My friends saw the picture of us.  They knew.  They knew I had been crying.  When I couldn't take being ignored any longer and didn't want to draw attention to my tears, I left.  I told him I was leaving.  My excuse was that the pot smoke was irritating my eyes.  I would wait in the parking lot.  I had my cell phone so he could text me.

I left thirty minutes early.  I grabbed my bags and waited on the hood of my car for them. 

This is how he claims I scarred his daughter. 

I promised Steve's mother that I would give the young lady a ride to the parking lot where she made me wait for over an hour.  I kept my promise.   

I am unclear with how Steve's mother wound up with custody of his child.  I suspect it is due to alcohol.  I am beginning to suspect that Steve lied about his ex-wife to get her put in a mental institution.

At this point, everything he says is suspect because I caught him lying about me!  He's also claiming that I am a narcissistic sociopath with a psychiatric issue.  I am a therapist.  This man has got to be joking!!! 

That one trick pony won't ride in my town. 

On the ride home, I tried to set a boundary with Steve.  He told me that he thought I should be quiet about the things I felt anxious over.  He said it would be good for me.  I told him that this would be the death knell of the relationship.  If we can't talk about the things that matter, the connection would die a quick death.  I would have to end it.

He didn't listen.  He said that he wanted me to be quiet and give him a good weekend. 

I tried to give him all of my camping supplies and get him to sell my two remaining tickets.  He wanted me to stay.  I did.  I did it hoping he'd actually talk to me.   I also spent Saturday night in tears.  I don't think Steve noticed.  On Sunday I decided to drink myself numb to get through it all.

He didn't talk to me.  He drank.  He tried to make me into some kind of servant.  It was the little things that pissed me off. 

I offered to refill a two one liter water bottles.  He mentioned that I should refill a two gallon cooler full of water because "I offered."  That....that is the kind of crap that drives me nuts.   The day I feel like a stereotypical water bearer walking across a campground so a guy can take a nap is the day I decide I'd rather be somewhere else. 

I did refill the two gallon container.  He didn't drink any of it. 
This is only one example.

This is why I cannot be with him. 
I did give him most of the $100 I brought.  I think he needed ice.  I think he needed real food.  I didn't spend a dime of it myself.  I tried to help pay my way.  I tried to be equal about it.  I don't think equal is enough. 

I'm leaving out all the projections.  Those make my head spin.  I have decided that I want a man who makes my head spin in bed.  If the only way he can make my head spin is via emotional game playing, he's not worth it. 

*****

The most infuriating part is that he shushes me, asks me to be quiet, talks over me, refuses to listen or to help me feel comfortable after the name calling incidents -but- then has the audacity to complain that I cannot open up to him. 

I wanted to get my anxieties out of the way so I could create greater intimacy with him.  It didn't help to be told that it was better for me to not talk about those things.

This feels like crazy-making. 

*****

I have had two friends who have just left emotionally abusive relationships.  I am trying to get away from my ex-husband.  I share things online.  I want to understand. 


Steve taught me that the problem with emotional abuse is that it kills intimacy and trust.  With that insight, I posted a link and referred to the behavior as intimacy breakers.  I got a lot of likes with that.  I got a few private emails from people telling me their stories.  I still have to answer a few. 


Steve responded by lying about me online.  He told everyone that I was hypercritical of him.  He wrote that I emotionally abused him for 15 minutes.  He said that I badmouthed his mother.  He said that he needed to see my red flags before he got involved with me.  He is vague.  He doesn't go into detail.

I blocked him.  I'm going to block the jack-wipe who tells me what he posts if he says anymore to me. 
Then he sent me an email demanding that I remove the post or else he could never be my friend.  I didn't remove it. 
I told him that I could not have a lover who was not my friend.  Steve flat out denied typing that!

Those are the games that make my head spin.



If Steve so much as tells another lie or if one more person claims that I abused him, EVERY FLIPPING EMAIL AND TEXT THAT HE HAS EVER SENT WILL BE PUBLISHED.....EVERY SINGLE NASTY ABUSIVE ONE.

I need to remember why he has to go.

There is more.  There is the lying about what his therapist says to use it against me. 

He'd literally post online something about his therapist saying that he shouldn't talk to people who discard him so I can't walk away under any circumstance.  That means, I can't give up on the relationship even when he gets disrespectful.  Either he's not seeing a therapist or he's not telling the truth.
I recently read that is a common abuser tactic.  Abusers will twist the words of their therapists so that they do not have to be held accountable for their behaviors.  They'll say something like 'my therapist said that you need to ____________[change some behavior or ignore something to let them off of the hook]_________________."  The therapists allegedly never tell them to change their own behavior: The people around them must change to accommodate their need for control.


Steve would tell me about three hour conversations with his mother where his mother would tell him to end the relationship.  This, coupled with her comments about my weight, my car,  and her bossiness pertaining to the use of my vehicle, makes me think she is trying to run me off. 

The worst part was that I couldn't talk about it with Steve.  I have to be quiet.  I cannot be in that relationship.

The therapist I fired thought he was a paranoid schizophrenic. 

I think Steve is an alcoholic in denial.  When I brought that up, it hurt his feelings.  Alcohol has taken everything from him.  It has taken his driver's license.  It took away his child.  I left over the spirit induced raging emails I've been getting over the past year. 
At one point does alcohol become a problem?

******

I spent last evening at a party with a bunch of politicians.  One of whom, who has really come a long way disclosed to me that he was a recovering alcoholic.

It took years for his girlfriend to agree to marry him. 

It took years for him to rebuild but once he took responsibility, he did it. 

Even if I had married Steve, his mother has such a stranglehold over his time, he couldn't have attended the political function with me.  It's a Saturday night.  I cannot be with him on Saturday nights.

I would have loved for him to meet this guy. 

I can't help him. 

They're trying to get me to run for office again.  

Maybe I'll do something in 2016.

The city council in the city where Steve and his mother lives is up to something bad.  They just blighted several acres near Steve's house.  They are not being transparent about it at all.   I was asked to help fight that. 

I am not sure. 

I was also asked to help fight a similar issue in the city where I hold a business license.

See?  I am not a lily livered Lucy.  I am known for my ability to get down to bottom of issues.

Who is this Steve guy to think I'd put up with his nonsense? 
I put up with it from Michael because we have kids together.
There is nothing tying me to Steve.

******
This was the second political party in two days.  I went to a Republican sponsored party on Friday.  I went to a Libertarian one on Saturday.   I'm going to be busy until the first Tuesday in November.

My ex-husband was in attendance.  He was a treasurer on a few campaigns and issue committees.  They were bi-partisan.  Everyone knows him.  One of the politicians says it feels like family having us both there. 


I think a few people are worried about me.  Almost everybody knows about the stalking.  A couple republican activists were teaching me how to use a gun.  They were helping me get my concealed carry permit.  I fear a gun being used against me.  I also fear the fact that my sister-in-law looks nearly identical to my middle daughter.  I still have nightmares about her breaking into the house.  I don't want to accidently shoot my child because I mistake her for my sister-in-law.

My friends know how hard I was trying to get away. 


I introduced several of these people to Steve as my boyfriend three weeks ago. 
No one asked about Steve. 

I did get more hugs than I usually do.  I got a couple of offers for coffee dates.  One guy took me aside to ask if everything was okay. 

It has to be okay.
I don't want sympathy.
I want to get angry.
I want my anger to help me fuel change.

I can't let myself forget what happened.  That's the danger.  I have a big heart.  My mind will wander towards the good times.  I will downplay what is going on and let these people come back.  This is why I need to document and remember the bad.

******

I am still depressed but it is not as bad as it was last month.  I only have the crap in one ear now.  It was very hard dealing with it in stereo. 

I am doubting that I will every get away.  It's going to take seed money.  I hope the bank can help me get those what is left of my money transferred over. 
I am undecided if I will ask for alimony or ask him to repay the $14,000 he took.  I don't want to put myself in a position of causing a situation that will put me in more danger. 


Love ya,

S. 




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