Rewriting History (with Edits)

Edit:  I am not going to clean up this post.  It is too painful. 

I did have a relative put filters on all eleven of my email accounts.  She found more at least eight more messages in addition to the fourteen that I found on Tuesday.  She wouldn't let me see them, saying that they were hateful, spiteful and threatening.  She has put them in a folder on a thumb drive called "restraining order" just in case I need to get one.

I should be thankful that I didn't marry Steve.  How did I miss who he was?

I'm sad.  It struck me that he was abusive because every concern I had was shushed, ignored, or turned back on me.  When he ran to Facebook calling me an emotional abuser and hyper-critical, I began to find him incredibly unattractive.   I'm trying to ignore well meaning third parties who want me to reach out. 

Most of my friends have been telling me to get away. 

I need to do that now. 

I'm a blind fool to put up with this kind of abuse for so long.  The stalking pales in comparison, probably because I expect shitty behavior from the stalkers.  I don't expect it from a man who claims to love me.

Today I am thankful I can store stuff on Blogger just in case I need to get a restraining order.

I asked Steve to leave me alone. 


I woke up find several distinct messages on various email accounts.

He's lying in them.  Like I can bitch for 30 minutes during a five minute trip. 

He's basically calling me evil.  If I am so evil, why won't he cut his losses and leave me alone? 


I'll just cut and paste the ones I get today here.


1.) 12:58 AM
Tis*********@Hotmail.com

I have witnesses. The girls commented that I was showing my girl a better time than the other guys were. I got comments about how hard I was working to open you up, and get you to have a good time, granting all your requests. And I begged you to open up and talk to me about what your issues were. Then you went online and lied, and made it as if I was trying to shut you down. I have witnesses.

I also have a witness to you angrily berating me for half an hour for something I didn't do. At all. ***  told me that I never put any pressure on you to go faster, which is exactly what I thought. You had an emotion, you decided to verbally punish me for it, insulting me and my family. [My daughter] also remembers her and I both doing our best to show you a good time - and then you storming off angrily, scaring her birthday, for no reason.

What do you think you're accomplishing? I think there might be something severely, medically wrong with you.

I want an explanation.

After he wrote that he could not be my friend and told me to write three nice things about him on Facebook so everyone would know he is an "awesome boyfriend" , I asked him to stay away from me.
I gave him an explanation, numerous times.  He told me to shut up before the event began.  He told me to shut up while I was driving him around, trying to get him to the event.  He reiterated it later that night.  I do not see how the words shut up creates openness in another human being.  His mother was over an hour late, he wanted me to compensate by driving fast.  He told me this before his daughter arrived!!!  Ugh...who uses his children against his girlfriend!! I told him to set boundaries with his mother.  I tried talking about personality theory and time. 

There were no other witnesses.

His friend sold a concert ticket.   He claimed it was mine.  I think that was a game.  He left me alone in the general admission stands.  When he returned he kept his back to me.   I was coughing from the pot smoke.  There was another guy trying to dance with me. I had to get out of there.

I took what I could for three hours before deciding to leave.  I waited at the car.  I did not abandon them.  I dealt with insults about my car.  I was patient.  I was kind.

I waited until his daughter got home to discuss breaking up with him.  He wanted me to be quiet and give him a good weekend.  I told him that I wasn't a good actress.  I did my best.

I posted a couple of links about emotional abuse on Facebook (one was about the problem of expecting victims to retaliate with abuse of their own).  It's helping other people.  I did not lie. 

He lied about me.  On Facebook he said I berated him for 15 minutes.  Now, he's extended it to 30.

That is indicative of a lie. 

Just because other girls think he is treating me well does not mean I agree.  Perhaps he can ask one of those ladies out. 


2.)

Stop you [sic] character assassination campaign, issue an apology, and I'll be gone. If you are going to persist in accusing me of abuse, hire an attorney. If my mother finds out you are posting about her mothering skills - what happens to you won't be in my control.

This was due to a quote I posted about men who play games.  The quote is:
“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them.  If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner's love.  While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother's love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. 

This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.” 
― Bell Hooks

3.) S********D********@Hotmail.com
9:38 a.m.

[Siegfred], you are making allegations about me and my mother that are not true. I told you I want to be friends - why not fixate on that? I have apologized. [My daughter] saw me apologize for something I didn't do.

Whatever you want, ask. That's love.

I'm asking you to stop posting things I find insulting and defamatory to my character - you are refusing my request? Is that love? Is that friendship?




How can one be comfortable making requests when one is criticized?

He told me that if I didn't remove my Facebook posts he couldn't be my friend.

4.) s******D****************@Hotmail.com
7:58 a.m.

Stop lying about [sic] online, retract your lies you have posted now - like a grown up, and I will be out of your life. As long as I need to defend myself from your slander, I will.

I wish he'd define the lies I've told.  I haven't really posted anything about him that he's read.  Most of the my posts are funny memes and affirmations. 

Unless he's switched operating systems, he isn't even reading this blog.  I check my stats.  I know how my audience is.

He does not understand that I have screen shots!  I want to delete them but I may need them to get a restraining order.   I've deleted most of the really bad ones in the past.  I need to keep these because I think things are going to get pretty darn bad. 

Again, if I am evil, why won't he count his blessings and go away?

5.) S******D***********@Hotmail.com
10:41 a.m.

[Siegfred]... Call me! I am honestly concerned about you. I am not trying to hurt you. You are doing things that make my life difficult. I just want you to stop. Stop shutting me down, stop blocking me, stop telling me to shut up. Call me. Be nice.

Oh, the projection!!!  Isn't it lovely? 

I never told him to shut up.  I haven't been in contact with him since September 1 when I asked him to leave me alone.

I have no clue how I am making his life difficult.  If I am, one would think, that he would be better off I just stayed away.



I still haven't checked three of my email accounts.  I'm already tired. 

I'm sooo pissed off right now, the formatting to this post is off.  I'll fix it later.  Please accept my apologies.

Why do men think acting like immature dolts will get them what they want? 

Ugh!!

Love ya,

S.