Today I am thankful for the realization that stalking is not nearly as bad as emotional abuse.
So far, I've seen fourteen emails. They each hurt. I've stopped reading them. I haven't checked all of my accounts.
I've been feeling stuck and numb. I've been beating myself up. I'm wondering what I did to attract Steve into my life.
I've grown tired of the projections. If I complain about something unfair that was said about me, he'll claim I'm doing those things to him.
He's now saying that I told him to shut-up.
He's going to Facebook and claiming that I am badmouthing his mother.
He's changing his story.
All this does is create more garbage for me to defend myself against. That means that the real issues will not be addressed because the focus is being turned on to me.
It won't help the relationship.
I have to end it.
*****
I feel worse now that I did before I met Steve.
I felt bad with the stalking.
I felt like I couldn't leave the house.
I was afraid to answer the phone.
I felt bad with the stalking.
I felt like I couldn't leave the house.
I was afraid to answer the phone.
I was afraid to go to work.
I did everything from home.
BUT I DID THINGS!!!
I made recordings and sold them.
I could make telephone calls out.
I was just afraid of being attacked by a member of Mike's family.
I still am.
I could make telephone calls out.
I was just afraid of being attacked by a member of Mike's family.
I still am.
*******
Emotional abuse is different.
It makes you feel crazy.
It makes you feel deficient.
It causes you to question your worth.
That is more depressing.
It makes you question your value. It tries to make you take responsibility for things that you did not do.
It puts you in time wasting situations because you run around trying to navigate no win situations.
My therapist friends saw it.
Three of my political friends had been in the line of Steve's fire. One of them wrote to apologize to me, she thought I was angry at her because she grew exceptionally quiet in his presence. I am not angry. I am grateful. She tried to warn me. I couldn't understand what she saw that I didn't.
********
I don't know how to explain it but external fear is much easier to deal with than internal fear. Stalking is an external issue. It is caused by crazy things outside of you. It doesn't kill your self-esteem so much as limit opportunities.
Emotional abuse causes you to doubt yourself and your abilities. It kills your self-esteem. It limits your opportunities and your joy. I am beginning to lack confidence.
He doesn't do it all the time. Ten percent of the time is enough. I can't figure out the triggers for the emotional abuse. I shouldn't have to. I should just run from it.
******
Steve didn't want me. Now, he's blaming me for issues with his daughter and family.
It's not my fault.
Emotional abuse is different.
It makes you feel crazy.
It makes you feel deficient.
It causes you to question your worth.
That is more depressing.
It makes you question your value. It tries to make you take responsibility for things that you did not do.
It puts you in time wasting situations because you run around trying to navigate no win situations.
My therapist friends saw it.
Three of my political friends had been in the line of Steve's fire. One of them wrote to apologize to me, she thought I was angry at her because she grew exceptionally quiet in his presence. I am not angry. I am grateful. She tried to warn me. I couldn't understand what she saw that I didn't.
********
I don't know how to explain it but external fear is much easier to deal with than internal fear. Stalking is an external issue. It is caused by crazy things outside of you. It doesn't kill your self-esteem so much as limit opportunities.
Emotional abuse causes you to doubt yourself and your abilities. It kills your self-esteem. It limits your opportunities and your joy. I am beginning to lack confidence.
He doesn't do it all the time. Ten percent of the time is enough. I can't figure out the triggers for the emotional abuse. I shouldn't have to. I should just run from it.
******
Steve didn't want me. Now, he's blaming me for issues with his daughter and family.
It's not my fault.
Now, he's claiming that I'm badmouthing his saintly mother, the one that he complains stole his child. I did no such thing. I just wanted to understand the game playing. Once he starts lying and triangulating with his mother, I have absolutely no desire to every speak to him again.
I don't want to be anyone's scapegoat.
His mother was being controlling with my time. It's one thing to be over an hour late and make me wait in a parking lot. I had planned on actually eating dinner that night. I had brought over $100 so I could buy a young birthday girl a nice dinner or gift. I didn't have time.
It was Steve's daughter's birthday. The whole day was filled with stupid arguments about Anarchism (they were stupid....they were really, really out there...but I'm not sure I should share). Steve was barking orders about driving. I had been rushing around since 6:00 a.m. getting my own kids to school. I spent the morning rushing around to get gifts wrapped for Steve's kid. Pick Steve up. Pack up my car. Go to the venue we would be staying at for three days. Unpack my car. Help Steve set up camp and run back out to pick up his daughter from school.
Steve's parents kept changing plans. I found myself stuck in a parking lot. That wasn't what pissed me off. It was telling me that I had to meet them at that same parking lot at 10:00 p.m.
Have his parents ever been to a concert? Do they know how impossible that request is? I can't promise to be out of a packed parking lot at 10:00, let alone where they want me to be. It would have been a better plan to simply take her home (and maybe buy her something with that $100 on the way). His mother wouldn't hear of it.
I'm sorry. I am not a chauffer. I was not being paid to drive them around. They were not chipping in for gas. I had spent my entire day being bossed around. I wanted to be able to take it easy and actually relax. I grew tired of running around meeting the demands of other people.
The day got worse.
That morning, Steve had one of his friends sell my concert tickets. I wanted to believe that it was a mistake. It wasn't. They were floor tickets. There were seven sets. He went over and spoke to a friend who then approached a trio of young men and sold a set of tickets. The next thing I was told was that one set was gone. He said it was my set that was sold and he went out and bought me cheaper set of tickets that would not allow floor access, I would have to hang out in the stands.
I know now that it was another stupid test. I believe that was punishing me. I can tell he did that because he spent a good portion of the day acting coldly towards me. I'm a little too embarrassed to actually say some of the things he did. Of all of that, the most painful thing was NOT being in the stands alone during the concert, it was Steve coming back and dancing with his back turned to me. I remember his arms being crossed. There was no eye contact.
I think I know why he sold my ticket. In March, we had an agreement that I would buy tickets to a Pagan festival if he would buy tickets to Phish. Steve had a major meltdown and called me all sorts of nasty names and we broke up. I gave him three days to contact me so that I could transfer the tickets to his name or sell them. He never responded.
I nearly gave them away to a Pagan couple but they didn't want to put their name on the registry. Steve came back and apologized. I let him go. I stood up Nick. He was in the band. Steve and I were trying to work things out. I chose to deal with Steve rather than spend time with my friend.
I should not have done that.
I'm pretty sure that is why he sold my tickets and bought me substandard ones. There were scalpers selling floor passes. I nearly bought one just so I wouldn't be alone.
I chose to leave the concert early and wait in the car instead. I had other plans for that $100.
In the end, it was spent on beer.
I'm beginning to think that beer is the problem. Beer is why Steve can't drive. Beer is the excuse for the nasty emails. I don't want to be with a drinker.
I don't like the head games.
*****
Why won't I put up with a guy who triangulates with his mother? Why won't I tolerate a man who lets his mother tell me what to do?
Well....Michael, my ex-husband, used to lie to his mother about me. This is what preceded the stalking from his sister.
He said that he lied to his mother so he didn't have to take responsibility for his choices. He blamed me for things he wouldn't do for her (e.g. like clean her gutters). When she wanted him to go to college, he lied and told her that I wouldn't let him. This pissed me off because I actually had found scholarships and grants for him to go. He actually went. I did some of his homework. That didn't matter. His mother believed that I wouldn't let him go to college. This led to stalking incidents when I went to graduate school.
Why should I go if my husband couldn't? His sister cornered my academic advisors, the religious personnel (I went to a religious school) and told everyone how I was a bad wife I was for going to school and not letting Michael go.
He was a student at the time!!! Geesh!
He has a degree now!!!
He claims that those lies are why his mother is having his relatives harass and stalk me. I don't want a repeat of that experience in my life.
I don't want to be anyone's scapegoat.
His mother was being controlling with my time. It's one thing to be over an hour late and make me wait in a parking lot. I had planned on actually eating dinner that night. I had brought over $100 so I could buy a young birthday girl a nice dinner or gift. I didn't have time.
It was Steve's daughter's birthday. The whole day was filled with stupid arguments about Anarchism (they were stupid....they were really, really out there...but I'm not sure I should share). Steve was barking orders about driving. I had been rushing around since 6:00 a.m. getting my own kids to school. I spent the morning rushing around to get gifts wrapped for Steve's kid. Pick Steve up. Pack up my car. Go to the venue we would be staying at for three days. Unpack my car. Help Steve set up camp and run back out to pick up his daughter from school.
Steve's parents kept changing plans. I found myself stuck in a parking lot. That wasn't what pissed me off. It was telling me that I had to meet them at that same parking lot at 10:00 p.m.
Have his parents ever been to a concert? Do they know how impossible that request is? I can't promise to be out of a packed parking lot at 10:00, let alone where they want me to be. It would have been a better plan to simply take her home (and maybe buy her something with that $100 on the way). His mother wouldn't hear of it.
I'm sorry. I am not a chauffer. I was not being paid to drive them around. They were not chipping in for gas. I had spent my entire day being bossed around. I wanted to be able to take it easy and actually relax. I grew tired of running around meeting the demands of other people.
The day got worse.
That morning, Steve had one of his friends sell my concert tickets. I wanted to believe that it was a mistake. It wasn't. They were floor tickets. There were seven sets. He went over and spoke to a friend who then approached a trio of young men and sold a set of tickets. The next thing I was told was that one set was gone. He said it was my set that was sold and he went out and bought me cheaper set of tickets that would not allow floor access, I would have to hang out in the stands.
I know now that it was another stupid test. I believe that was punishing me. I can tell he did that because he spent a good portion of the day acting coldly towards me. I'm a little too embarrassed to actually say some of the things he did. Of all of that, the most painful thing was NOT being in the stands alone during the concert, it was Steve coming back and dancing with his back turned to me. I remember his arms being crossed. There was no eye contact.
I think I know why he sold my ticket. In March, we had an agreement that I would buy tickets to a Pagan festival if he would buy tickets to Phish. Steve had a major meltdown and called me all sorts of nasty names and we broke up. I gave him three days to contact me so that I could transfer the tickets to his name or sell them. He never responded.
I nearly gave them away to a Pagan couple but they didn't want to put their name on the registry. Steve came back and apologized. I let him go. I stood up Nick. He was in the band. Steve and I were trying to work things out. I chose to deal with Steve rather than spend time with my friend.
I should not have done that.
I'm pretty sure that is why he sold my tickets and bought me substandard ones. There were scalpers selling floor passes. I nearly bought one just so I wouldn't be alone.
I chose to leave the concert early and wait in the car instead. I had other plans for that $100.
In the end, it was spent on beer.
I'm beginning to think that beer is the problem. Beer is why Steve can't drive. Beer is the excuse for the nasty emails. I don't want to be with a drinker.
I don't like the head games.
*****
Why won't I put up with a guy who triangulates with his mother? Why won't I tolerate a man who lets his mother tell me what to do?
Well....Michael, my ex-husband, used to lie to his mother about me. This is what preceded the stalking from his sister.
He said that he lied to his mother so he didn't have to take responsibility for his choices. He blamed me for things he wouldn't do for her (e.g. like clean her gutters). When she wanted him to go to college, he lied and told her that I wouldn't let him. This pissed me off because I actually had found scholarships and grants for him to go. He actually went. I did some of his homework. That didn't matter. His mother believed that I wouldn't let him go to college. This led to stalking incidents when I went to graduate school.
Why should I go if my husband couldn't? His sister cornered my academic advisors, the religious personnel (I went to a religious school) and told everyone how I was a bad wife I was for going to school and not letting Michael go.
He was a student at the time!!! Geesh!
He has a degree now!!!
He claims that those lies are why his mother is having his relatives harass and stalk me. I don't want a repeat of that experience in my life.
Now, I am not sure who to believe about the stalking. The cops say that Michael is having his family harass me. Michael says his family is doing it to run me off.
It's been very frightening. I have to decided that no matter what happens, I will run from that type of game.
Men who let their mothers dominate their lives are not taking responsibility for themselves.
*****
In this situation, I didn't want to have to rush around acting like Steve's chauffer while catering to his mother's fluctuating schedule. His mother and I have the same out of time orientation (people come first, we'll get to things when we get to them). Why is that badmouthing her? He keeps going on that my attempt to explain chronemics was emotional abuse.
I hate to tell him this -but- emotional abuse is not a one time event. It is a pattern of behavior meant to control another human being.
All I wanted was to set a boundary. If his mother was going to be more than an hour late, I am not going to put myself in danger to compensate so he can recover some of the time she stole. In fact, if she's going to keep me waiting for her in a parking lot, I'd rather go to her place when things need to get done. It's easier to give her something so that I can get control of my time. She's not one of those people you can meet halfway. It seems to me that I have to go to her just to save time. That's not badmouthing her: It is a means of dealing with a time issue.
Better yet, I'll just stop driving Steve around. That will solve the problem, too.
Besides, Steve made fun of my car. It needs an $800 chip so that it doesn't idle fast at stop lights. I'm in a weird situation. I'm having trouble getting money. I'm probably going to drive a beat up vehicle for a year or so. I'm making the most of things.
I'm trying to be fair to everyone. I wish for a love who can be fair to me.
Why do I feel like shit for trying to end it?
I hurt.
Love ya,
S.
Love ya,
S.