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A Narrative of a problem


Today I am thankful for narratives: They can help you pinpoint exactly what is wrong. 

I had a therapist friend ask me to write out a narrative using free writing.  She has never seen this.  I'll just post it here.  This is what I came up with. 





I am divorced.  I was awarded the house in the divorce in September 2013.
 
My ex-husband doesn't hit people (just things) and yells a lot. The safety issue is the stalking and property damage. I am unsure if he is the stalker. The cops say he is the stalker but he swears up and down that he has nothing to do with it (usually). It's gone on for 23 years and typically involves phone harassment, break-ins, or his sister or cousin bothering friends, colleagues and neighbors trying to spread gossip or get information about me. I have seen them watch me. Over the past three years, it has become scary. My former sister-in-law has a new boyfriend who likes to physically push people around. I found a GPS box on my vehicle. I've seen more property damage around the house. We have a lot of broken locks. The last time the door was damaged was June 2014.
 
There have been times when my ex-husband has yelled and claimed to be behind the stalking. He has said that he has sent his sister keys to the house and asked her to follow me. Then, he'll tell me that he's lying because that is what I want to hear. It drives me nuts. I guess this counts as gas-lighting.
 
It had been a controlling marriage. He liked to take my car and telephones. Since the divorce, I bought a little beat up car with only one key and put the phones in my name to minimize the likelihood that will happen again. I am trying to get him to honor the asset division portion of our divorce agreement. If I took jobs he didn't like, I would find myself harassed my his sister or his friends. I am afraid to work so long as he is here because he has a habit of telling his sister where I work.  
 
I did borrow several thousand dollars to start a business. I've been using that money to meet my expenses.
 
I have a new office. Steve and I went out for coffee at the Starbucks across the street late last year and found my sister-in-law watching us. I have been terrified to go to work since that day. I have no clue how she knew where I was. I did have a smart phone with me. I replaced it. I also gave my ex-husband the car I drove that day. I haven't seen her following me since.
 
Last month, Steve was trying to get me to kick my ex-husband out of the house.  I understand why.  I just want to do the right things at the right time.   My ex-husband had a few surgeries this year and will have another one in early October. I just don't feel right throwing him out. My ex-husband also owes me $14,000 and I want to play nice to be sure I get the money. We have three kids here that adore him (the youngest is ten and a big daddy's girl). Because I won't throw my ex out, Steve has been sending me obnoxious emails and texts calling me names and saying that I am a lying sociopath who lied about being divorced and am taking lovers on the side.  He also claims that I am lying about the stalking and financial abuse.. I had to block him when he posted a claim that I was an emotional abuser on Facebook. For some reason, I am letting this get to me to the point I can't get through the day without crying. I am not sleeping and having trouble eating.
 



My ex-husband is home today. I am a little upset with him. He keeps buying things for the house. Two weeks ago he bought a dishwasher while I was camping with Steve. Today he bought a carpet cleaner. I asked him to return it. I fear that he thinks he is going to stay. I have asked him to write out what his expectations are so we can discuss them.



I will talk to the local shelter advocate tomorrow. Maybe she can recommend a family counselor who can help us move forward.




So that is the problem.  The problem is that I fear being stuck in this situation and unable to move forward.  I also fear that I was in the process of putting myself in a similar relationship. 

I now know what to do.  I just have to decide whose needs are more important, mine or the kids.  If I have to stay here to give them a sense of security I will.  I need a therapist's input on how to handle this in the best manner for the children.

I hope my new therapist is the reflective listening kind of person.  If not, I'll just wait until I can earn enough to pay out of pocket to see my old therapist.  I need someone who will listen to me without judgment.  It is the only way to gain clarity.

It'll work out. 

Try journaling.  It helps. 

Love ya,

S. 

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