Sad Gifts

Today I am thankful for confusion but thankful that I can identify it.

I am also thankful for the lawyer who offered to help me for free this morning.  I declined.  It took the lawyer more than a month to call me.  In that time, I found a solution that will save my ex $5,000 in taxes. 

The money was put in an IRA.  He was supposed to take it out and give me cash.  I'm going to get an IRA in my name, so he can put the money in my account and save himself the tax bill.

He jumped on the opportunity.  I guess it is a win-win. 

I'll have the money put in my name within 90 days.

He will also sign a modified agreement stating that he will pay back the $14,000 he took so that I can file it with the court.  If the judge agrees, that whole mess will be over.

No lawyer....no contempt charges...he's happy.

I also gave him something, too. 

My ex-husband is going to have bariatric surgery in September.  I said he could stay here to recover.  My thinking is that once he loses weight, he'll have the confidence to date.

It'll work out.  I'm sure of it.

Now, he's being a little too nice about it.

He's buying me expensive gifts.  I've tried to ignore them.

First, he bought me a phone.  It was still sealed in hard plastic, so I do not fear stalking software being downloaded onto it.  He said that he was having a hard time getting a hold of me and thought he'd help by getting me a new phone.

I accepted that gift. 

Last night, I found a one terrabyte drive on my desk.  He said it would help me store my recordings.  I cannot accept that. 

I can't.

I wonder...does he want me back?

I ask because I've had crazy accidents over the past few days. 

I fell and bruised my back.  He keeps asking if I'm okay. 

I sliced my hand last night cleaning the mirror in the bathroom.  I'm anemic, so I bleed horrifically.  It freaked me out.  The kids laughed at me until they saw how much blood I lost. 

He just called to check up on me.

No, the bleeding has not stopped.  I may need stitches. 

What do I do when my ex-husband calls just to check up on me?
Do I answer the phone?

Do I hide?

I answered the phone.  We spoke about how I cannot be with a man who allows his family to stalk me.  I can love him -but- it will have to be at a distance.

This is beginning to make me feel sad. 

Moment ago, I had to leave the computer to answer the door.

It was the postman.  He was holding a small box from Sweetwater.com addressed to my ex-husband.

If I am found hanging in the bathroom with a set of round wounds around my neck, you'll know what was in the box. 

Just kidding....the sad truth is that death is really my only out. 

*****

I may type more depending on how I feel. There is still another man in my life. He's buying me all sorts of stuff, too.

Steve took me guitar shopping. I refused to play, in part, because he offered to buy me an upright, fretless, pogo stick bass.

It was pretty. 

When I actually plucked a string, it had a really full sound. 

 

Still, I can't accept gifts like that.

He bought me a three day pass to a concert. We're leaving tomorrow.

I'm hoping for clarity while on the trip. 

 

He is starting to visualize me with his last name.  He's brought it up a few times.  Typically it comes from my thinking about going back to my birth name in an effort to thwart the stalking.  He thinks I should change it to his. 

I don't know....I don't  know what to make of this.

He is my best friend.  Maybe there is something bizarre about having your girlfriend sport her ex-husband's name (especially when he is behaving as though he is still interested in her).

I don't know. 

I'd better document the gifts and my growing depression and guilt I feel about receiving them.

I'm not sure how this is going to pan out.

Maybe someone will have some peyote at the concert.  That would help me sort it all out.

Love ya,

S. 

Blue Fairy Hallucinations

Today I am thankful for my crazy subconscious mind.

My brain is insane.

Literally....quite insane.

I did a ritual to Aphrodite last night.  It's Tuesday.  I usually honor her love, Ares, on Tuesday.  Today I thought that honoring her would also honor Ares.

I became incredibly tired.

I lay down on the floor in front of my altar.

I opened my eyes.

I saw a blue fairy. 

Yep.....I had a little tiny hallucination.  Maybe it was a lucid dream. 

I'm not sure.

I do know what I am taking from it.

That dream was a conversation.

In that conversation, it was revealed that I am incredibly pissed off at a couple of men in my life.

I am incredibly angry at men who think they can disrespect me.

I am incredibly tired of the game playing, the accusations, the bullshit.

In fact, it's making me negative.

It's making me feel moody.

I don't have time or space for that in my life.

So....

I don't know.

I do know that there are people in this world who have pushed me a tad bit too far.

These are men who have seen me as a nice human being.  They see my softer side.  They see how hard it is for me to come down on anyone's arse.  They see how I struggle with fairness, with decency, and how I want what is just.

Everyone else sees me as a badass. 

In this hallucination, I realized that these men are taking advantage of my good hearted nature.

I am growing tired of it.

If either of these men want to so much as to be my friend, the game playing will stop.

Immediately.

It will stop. 

It will. 

It will have to stop. 

I refuse to play.

I will just avoid those relationships.

If someone wants to keep my money, that's fine.  I'll let karma bite him in the ass.

If his sister's gonna stalk me.  I'm gonna hypnotize her and send a demon after her.  I'm bored.  It's time to conjure somethin' fun.

Superstitious people make me laugh because they screw themselves up believing in supernatural threats.

If someone wants to threaten my reputation, call me names, or be bizarre, they can find someone else.


If they are too busy to talk to me about why I keep pushing them away, they need to stay away.

I know why I fear that man now.

I love him


-but-

I've decided that I am going to be happy.

*****

I have a hard time dancing, being free, being creative, sucking meat, and kissing sensitive parts of muscular things when I am around a hypercritical male.


That non-acceptance under the guise of constructive criticism has gotta stop.



You know, how many other women ask for a naked play date for her birthday?   I thought a day of constructive criticism would get that bullshit out of the way. 

Damn....I probably would have been taken more seriously if I had asked for a diamond. 


Sigh...


It's a game.


I'm tired of games.

*****




The best way to piss off a game playing man is to be happy despite the bullshit.

I am happy when I am not near someone I cannot trust to play games.
I'm not sure I can ever get over that. 
That's okay. 
Perhaps it's not meant to be.
Whether or not that romance is real, my life is.
I'm tired of being bored.

What a dream!

What a wise fairy!  

What great insight from a dream!

Let's see if I can keep the positive momentum going.

Love ya,

S.

A Day Without Judgment (with edit)

I am thankful for the opportunity to live this day without judgment. 

It has been nice so far. 

My wallet turned up missing last night.  I didn't judge it bad or good.


I called the bank.  I cancelled my cards.  There has been no suspicious activity on it.


See?  Who knows?  I may get it back.  I may not.  I may wind up with a new driver's license with a better picture. 


*****

I am realizing that the judgment of others was really harming my self-esteem.


I was consistently judged as negative.  I can be.  I try to be funny about it.

When the day comes where I cannot describe oil as rancid without being accused of being negative, I don't know what to do.

I was not the negative one. 

I am pretty sure it was projection.

*****
{edit} I like to keep my romances a secret for the first six months.  I do that because it allows me and my partners to develop the relationship without the judgment of friends and family.  In the past, the only men I dated were Scorpios.  Scorpios who believe in astrology have no problems keeping secrets.

This time, I dated a Leo.  They can't keep secrets.  I understand.  They like to brag.  They like to show off.  That's okay.  I have a Leo moon.  My Venus is Leo.  I get it.  I allowed it. I allowed everyone to know who I loved before we actually began to date.  That was a huge mistake.

My friends started to judge him.  I distanced myself from those friends.  Then he started to post things to my Facebook page that made my friends worried about me.  I stopped posting.  Then I quit allowing him to post.

I think that judgment killed the relationship.

Judgment.

There was negative judgment from my friends, judgment from my family, and judgment from people on Facebook that recognized this man had few boundaries for public discussion.  One of my psychologist friends said that he looked crazy (judgment).  She saw something in his eyes that made her uncomfortable.  I don't know.  I think he has an issue.  We all have issues. I tried to discuss it.  He wanted to take a break. I think it comes down to one faulty belief....well, maybe two faulty beliefs.  It's not my place.  If he doesn't want to hear it, he can pay a good shrink to tell him. 


Then there was judgment from his family, judgment from his boss and coworkers about my religion, and judgment from his friends.

We never had a chance.


I still blame myself.  I need to build my own life before inviting someone in to share it.  I know Steve wanted to build one together with me but how does one do that in the face of judgment?

I don't know.

*****

Today is a busy day.
I have six job applications to finish.
I have to find the wallet that I lost at the grocery store.

I have many emails to answer.

I am in pain.


I will get better.  I realized that if I move through the pain now, I'll be better off than if I wait two weeks to do it.

Steve wanted a break. 

I don't think he wants me.
I don't think he can move forward with me as fast as he wants because I am too slow in changing my situation. 

I lost faith in him when he sent me oodles of rude messages.  Yes, I am judging them as rude.  He called me a fraud, a sociopath, a fake politician, a bad therapist, a "looser", and on and on.  I thought I could move past it without coaching.  I can't.  I find myself nervous around him.  I found myself afraid to speak to him about things of great importance.  I found myself afraid to offer oral sex or dirty massages.  It got to the point where I didn't know what to say that wouldn't offend him.


I felt heavily judged.  One of the last things that I tried to address with him was my subconscious tendency to hold back.  I wasn't giving him what I wanted to give due to my fear of judgment.


*****

Last time, he said that he needed to cut me out of his life entirely to feel better.  So, I cut him off of all my social networks.  I'm getting ready to do a third clearing spell. 

Love doesn't die.  I'm hoping the pain will.

Why would Isis send me into an incredibly painful relationship? 

I don't understand.

Perhaps I am losing faith.

I'll try not to judge. 

*****

I keep remembering something Steve wrote about keeping him hooked.  He said his therapist accused me of this.  That is why I cut him off when I am sure it is over.  It would seem to me that he was the one stringing me along by playing games. 

The therapist I fired accused me of stringing Michael along.  I don't understand.  He never clarified what he meant.  He was too busy telling me to barricade my living area and not let Michael have access to my phone.
I thought DIVORCE was a means of offering clarity.  Maybe not....I don't know.


I decided that I would make sure both men (Steve and Michael) were freed, just in case I was harming either of them. 

I made it clear.

I am in pain.

Neither one of them is here to wipe my tears.  That's okay.  There is no shame in crying alone.

It'll get better. 

I have faith that we will all end up where we need to be.
*****
Oh, remember Nick?

He's my bass player buddy.  I asked Isis to bring him his true love.  Want to hear something great?  Nick has found this amazingly, beautiful woman who looks just like him.  Guess what???  She gets him to do the most adventurous things (jumping out of airplanes and stuff like that). 

When they are together, they literally glow.  Isn't that wonderful? 

My lesson here is that I should have faith in my deities.  They seem to help so many other people.  Maybe I should ask that someone prays for me because they seem to answer when I pray for other people.

I am so happy for Nick and his lady love!  This is what I want for all of us.  I want all of us to find that special person who makes our days adventurous and fun! 

Please don't waste your time with someone who makes you feel ambivalent.  There is joy and excitement in the world.  Find it.  Live it!





Love ya,

S.

Professionals

Today I am thankful for professionals. 

I met a cosmetic surgeon who promises that he can fix my issue for less than $3,000.  I think I'll get a second opinion.  That does seem pretty darn promising.

I've got to tell you.  This is motivation to work.  I easily make $150 per hour.  I can get over my fear of being naked for just 20 hours of work!! 

Oh man....I'm going to start my advertising campaign today!!! 

Vanity will make me go places I previously feared to tread. 

Maybe he can make me so unrecognizable that my ex's family won't know who I am!!  Ooohh.....what do I want to look like? Sadly...I want to look like me with fewer flaws.  That's okay.  Maybe if I change my hair color, weight, my mannerisms, and my manner of dress, they wouldn't know who I was in order to harass me in public.

So, I need to manifest $3,000 for a legal retainer and $3,000 for cosmetic work.  Or I can hire the lawyer and ask for the settlement so I can pay the doctor.  I'll figure it out.   It can be done. 



*****

I also met a handyman. 


For $3, he can sell me something to make it impossible for anyone to use a key to get into the front door.  Since I do NOT know whether Shannon has an actual key or a bump key, this will make me feel 1000 times safer. 


For $50, he can make it impossible for anyone to break down the door (or damage the door jam).  Seeing the damaged door jam freaked me out.  I would like never dealing with that again. 


I bought more security products for the kids.  Talking to the victim's advocate was the best thing I have ever done.  When I start making serious money, I'm pledging 5% of my income to that organization. 

I am hoping to get a house alarm.  I'm still researching that.  I may have to get a new phone line hooked up for one to work. 

See?  Getting rid of blaming and judgmental people really frees up time to find out what works and what does not work.


I will NEVER know when the stalking is done.  I still can do what I can to stay safe. 
I really want to have my life back. 


*****


I do feel better getting rid of that shrink.  He meant well but he didn't know how to motivate me without trying to shame me.

Michael has made it clear that he does not feel strung along.  He's been helpful.  He took the kids yesterday ad bought them school supplies and clothes.  He promised to pay for their upcoming oral surgeries.  That was so sweet.  I was stressing out about how to accomplish that.  I feel very lucky.  The divorce has made him work harder at being a father.  The kids seem happier about that.  He took them shopping yesterday.

See?  I clean up after him and he is kinder to me.  

Maybe making him happy isn't such a bad thing.  I'd do the same for any other roommate.    I used to do laundry for my gay roomies.  They used to cook for me.  It all works out in the wash. 


The last thing I want to do is string anyone along.  I've decided to make it clear that if someone isn't happy with me or doesn't want to be with me, I have no qualms about cutting them loose.  I do want to leave everyone with closure.  I do want to give Michael adequate time to formulate an exit plan.  I don't feel right throwing him out in the street.  When the time is right, he will leave.

*****

There are other fish in the sea.  Never settle for canned tuna when you'd rather have fresh salmon.

If I am not someone's cup of tea.  They can have a drink of somethin' else.

*****

I think I know why that therapist went on his rant.  Somehow my ex-husband ended up with my phone.  I was getting ready to go out with Steve and the shrink's secretary called.  Mike answered and gave her a hard time (he said that he thought she was a telemarketer).   Let's just say, Mike wasn't very nice.

Of course, the shrink didn't tell me this.  Michael told me what happened.  That explains everything.

The shrink went on and on about how I should barricade my living quarters and keep Mike out of my living space.  The shrink asked me what kind of phone I had (a pre-paid one).  He asked if Michael had access to it (nope).  He didn't ask about my landline.  After the phones went dead a couple of months ago, I took my loan money and subscribed to cable internet and a VOIP provider.  That equipment stays in the upstairs portion of the house.  My telephone is in the teenager's bedroom.

I didn't know Michael had answered it.  That was certainly a big boundary violation. I wondered if the shrink had called Michael's phone number.  Now, I know what happened.  I understand why the shrink was irritated.  Michael had harassed his secretary.  No wonder he didn't want me as a client.

The shrink made a lot of assumptions.  He said he didn't want to tell me what to do but I needed to make it a goal to do something before the next appointment.  That something....was to hire an attorney to file contempt charges against Michael.  I couldn't understand the therapist's vitriol.  Now...I know.  I just wish he would have confronted me in a more direct fashion.  I wish he would have told me what happened on the telephone.

I do get irritated when shrinks get bossy and lead their clients.  Worse, he didn't use open ended questions.  I remember counseling 101!



I'm not sure if I am more amused -or- irritated.  Maybe I am more concerned for the court ordered people he counsels.  He could inadvertently re-traumatize people and make their problems worse.




There is a reason that therapists use open ended questions.  It keeps our language clean.  It keeps us from inserting OUR EXPERIENCE into the stories of our clients.  A good therapist convinces the client to challenge his or her script.  We do NOT DARE tell them what to do.  We suggest in the form of a question.

I'm still a little shocked at that shrink.  He's my age and a newly minted licensee.  I graduated before he DID!  He's just a little green under the gills. 

I wish I had the patience for that.  I'm in crisis.  I'll just save some money and pay out of pocket for a shrink I trust.  Man....I was hoping that seeing someone I didn't go to school with would work out better.  I guess I should stick to the people I know.

And, I'm going to need to keep my phone away from my ex-husband.  What if he does that to a potential client or employer?  YIKES!!!!

*****

I wanted help for the anxiety.   That's okay.  The anxiety is nothing a little nicotine can't fix.



Yes....I did the unthinkable.  I decided to self-medicate my anxiety in the form of nicotine lozenges.

This is not advisable.  It is not the healthiest way to deal with anxiety.  It has to work for now.  Crap, my dentist told me that Colgate Total (my favorite toothpaste) has been shown to cause oral cancer. 

So...I figured that the nicotine was not going to expose me to any more risk than brushing my teeth.  The valerian vodka just made me fat, so I had to stop drinking it.  The nicotine takes the shaking and the social sweating away.  On the plus side, I do NOT want to eat on that stuff.  I have an entire closet of size 8 clothes.  I can't wait to wear them again.

 Anyway.....things are looking up.  I'm just going to be myself.  I am going to be nice.  I am going to be me.  I am going to laugh at my stalkers.  I am going to carry my gun.  I am going to accept political invites.  I am going to be my normal, obnoxious self.


If anyone doesn't like who I am they can go to Hades.

I am going to use my nicotine adventure to go back to work.  It's nice going out into public without breaking out in a cold sweat.  It feels good to be me.



Let's see how long this lasts.


Love ya,

S.

Ambivalance (with edits)

Today I am thankful for ambivalence.


The opposite of love is not hate: The opposite of love is ambivalence.

I think I'm going to fire the shrink I saw over the past three weeks. 


The reason?


Countertransference....


I think he identifies with my ex-husband.  He keeps talking about how I need to make it clear that our relationship is over.  He wants me to barricade my living space to keep my ex out of it.


That seems extreme.  Barricading my living space could keep me from leaving it, too.


The therapist also said that no one believed me when I spoke about the stalking.  I know that is not true.  Many people have been around during incidents.  Some people pointed it out to me.  I know this is real.  I believe that this therapist doesn't believe me. 

Then the therapist told me that I was stringing my ex-husband along.  I don't know how I'm doing that.  Every Saturday, I ask Michael what he wants and how he wants the separation to go.  Every Saturday, I fail to get an answer. 

The people at legal aid have never followed through.  It's understandable. They have huge case loads and I think they get flakey in order to filter out people who can find another means to get things done.  I'm feeling the pressure to do whatever I can to get things done on my own.  I'm going to need about $3,000 to retain a good lawyer.  That's one month worth of living expenses.  I need a job to make sure I cover both expenses.  



Finally, my therapist asked me if I was sure that I wanted to schedule an appointment and he was shocked that I scheduled one.  Maybe he doesn't want to take me as a client.  Maybe the stalking scares him.  Maybe it could make him a target. 



So, due to that discomfort, I just left a message cancelling my remaining appointment and let him know that I decided to seek medically based therapy elsewhere.  I'm going to focus on getting a job and taking medication to deal with the anxiety.  I may join a support group if I can find one in my area. 

I need to deal with the anxiety first.  I need the stalking validated.  I went into therapy hoping I could understand it.  I was hoping that if I understood the motive, I could reason with the people behind it.  I'm being told that I cannot reason with my ex nor his family.

My therapist was frustrated that I continued to try to reason with my ex.  I think that frustrates my friends, too. 


I wanted strategies for dealing with the harassment.  I wanted insight into what was going on.

The state victim's advocate office was the best resource for safety planning.  Over the past week, I did everything she suggested. I probably shouldn't go into details.  I feel better.  This was a huge source of stress for me.


My ex swears up and down that he is the stalking victim and that I'm being harassed by his sister and members of his family in order to get to him.  If that is a possibility, surely, some therapist somewhere has seen this play out.  It has to be in the literature somewhere.  I haven't found it.  I figured a therapist familiar with stalking would have heard of this.  When I tell people this, they tend to look at me like they are trying to stifle laughter. 

This therapist was really no exception.  He told me to tell the stalker sister-in-law to take my ex-husband away.


I'm not joking.  That is what the therapist said.  I'd rather not talk to my stalker(s).


I have to consider the possibility that my ex-husband's story could be true.  If so, surely, there are a different set of strategies I can employ to keep my kids and family safe.

If my ex is being stalked and his family targeted to get his attention.  Really....are the kids safe?  I need to act in a manner to make sure they are.  Don't I?


My hope was that a therapist could help me understand if my ex-husband's family were more of a danger than my ex or if they were both equally dangerous.  Do enmeshed families stalk?  What does that look like?  How does one stay safe?  Is it possible that my ex is innocent?

What does NPD stalking look like?  My therapist said that narcissists do not rage.  I KNOW that is not true.  They do.


From that point, I was hoping to use the insight into the personality issue to come up with a safety plan. What can I do to stay safe?  I feel the need to isolate myself.


Right now....my best bet is to keep everyone happy.

That is what I am going to do.

I am going to keep my ex-husband happy until I figure it out on my own.  He doesn't seem to want sex (he's brought it up once in the past year).  How hard can it be to keep him happy?

Yes, it is hard to live with a man one used to be intimate with.  It's harder to live with him when you become ambivalent about it.  That is what probably drives other people up a wall.  I don't hate Michael.  I hate what he has done.  I am ambivalent about Michael.  He can stay.  He can go.  It doesn't matter.

That's NOT a bad thing.  Passion often turns to hatred.  Hatred can turn into passion.  They seem to be the opposite sides of the same coin.  This is probably why Steve and I have so many misundertandings, game playing incidents, and insecurities. 

I don't know...if I can't figure out how to keep the passion turned on the majority of the time, I think I prefer ambivalence.  The fighting is painful!


*****


Statistics show that I am in the most danger the moment my ex-husband moves out of the house.


I'll let him win.  I'll let him stay.  I'll work behind the scenes to get myself in a position to afford a decent lawyer.



The legal aid people never called me back.  That's okay.  They're busy.  I don't know if I trust them to follow through anyway.  I need a good lawyer.  I need someone that I can trust to follow through.


I need to do this one on my own.


*****

I decided that I cannot be in a relationship either until I get clarity on how this situation will end.  This is taking too much of a toll on my self-esteem.  This seriously degrades my energy.  When I deal with this situation, I find myself too tired to feel amorous.



That....too....I keep thinking about those abusive texts Steve sent me in April.  I know....I should forget.  I can't.  He called me a "looser".  I am thinking that I will need reconstructive surgery before being with a man in the future.  My sexual confidence is completely shot.  It's not Steve's fault.  It is just due to what I've dealt with over the past few years.

Those events stress me out, too.  The games....I really do not have the energy to play games. 

I'm in pain -but- the pain isn't going to end if I let this play out any longer.

I get the sense that he is bored with me.  I need to cut him lose.  It's the only fair thing to do. 

I'll do a ending ritual tonight.  I'll continue with it throughout the week. 

I'll also do a ritual to help me figure out how to resolve the issue with Michael.  I cannot honor Aphrodite if I am too stressed out to honor the man she brings into my life.

We'll see how it goes.

*****

Last night, I tossed and turned for eight hours.  I took four sleeping pills and still couldn't sleep.  In those wee, dark, depressing hours in the middle of the night, I decided to let Michael win.  I will stay here for now.  I will let Michael stay.  Yes, I know the house was given to me in the divorce -but- I never agreed with that.  Maybe it should be sold and the proceeds split.  Maybe I need to talk to an attorney that can give me a real world answer.  What works?  What doesn't work?  How do fair people deal with this set of circumstances?  I do not know.  If the agreement we signed worked, things would be different now.  I need an agreement that works.

Until I can figure this out, having my ex-husband live in this house is probably better for the children anyway.  Yes, I still have security cameras all around the house.  If I so much as see an in-law on any of the footage, I am getting a restraining order!


*****



Until I can make major changes to my financial situation, I have decided that if the only way to stop the stalking is to cave, that is what I will do.  My biggest dream is for the stalking to stop.  I guess this way is as good as any other.


*****

Yes, I am engaging in circular reasoning.  My former therapist pointed this out.  The root of my circular reasoning is my concern for my safety and the safety of my children.  The jobs I take will have to have security.   I will have to find secure daycare for the kids.  They need cell phones.   They need a secure home.  They need rides to school.  My car has to be safe.  I can't afford to break down in the middle of nowhere.  The computers and phones in this house will have to be secure.  Everything revolves around safety.  That is my primary concern.  For the past three years, I've made growing lists of things that I can do to stay safe.

I need security to make money.  I need money to buy those things that bring my family security. 

This has gone on for more than 23 years.  I thought we had a three year lull in it.  This was the point where I started my business but that was short lived.  They started to harass me at work within eighteen months of me starting to advertise my business. 

Now, I am finding out that there was no lull in the stalking.  I am being told that my in-laws were driving by the house about the time the kids were walking home from school.


I don't know what to believe.  I don't know if it has ended.  If not, I don't know when it will end.

I don't know if my ex-husband is doing it to keep me engaged with him and the situation.  I don't know if his family is doing it to get his attention.  I don't know if they will harass the kids as a means to get my ex's attention.  I don't know.  I really would like answers. 

I really doubt the answers will be forthcoming.  I'll probably have to let the fear fade over time.  I may change my name again.  I may change the children's names, too.  I am seriously thinking about moving away.


Moving away is probably the only true solution.  I may have to move out of state.  At that point, if they persist, it becomes an inter-state issue. 

Yes, I am engaging in circular reasoning.  Everything.....comes down to safety.  I need to feel safe.  I need to earn money to pay for those things that make us safer.  Until I can figure out how to do that, I realize that we are safest when the stalker is pacified.  I wish I KNEW who the stalker was or who is behind it, so until then, I'll just play small and quiet while I formulate a plan.



I wish I understood exactly what is going on.  I never will.  Will I?



Love ya,

S.

Relationship Breaks = Being Single

Today I am thankful for relationship breaks.

A relationship break means I am single.


Steve said something that scared me.  He's said similar things several times before.  I spoke to my therapist about it and he thought it was a sign of a personality disorder.


I don't believe that shrink.  I'm thinking about firing the shrink.  He doesn't seem very well educated.  The only thing I agree with is that what was said points to a delusion.  That delusion could make me unsafe someday. 

This therapist, though, hasn't really been very kind.  I am not sure I take him as an authority.  He said that no one believed me about the stalking.  That's not true.  I was having coffee with a psychiatrist buddy of mine during a four hour stalking fest.  The psychiatrist believes me.  Shannon and her boyfriend Doug harassed my landlord (she's a psychologist who specializes in NPD).  This psychologist believes me.  People who have seen it believe me and urge me to take action to stay safe.  The shrink I saw today doesn't believe me. 


*****
On the bright side, this shrink made me realize that I should address my concerns with Steve.  I tried to talk to Steve about it. 


I can't.  I can't do it without sounding....well...cold and clinical. 


Truth be told, I am no longer comfortable around him. 


I don't think he is comfortable around me.


He'll invite me over and do freaky things that cause me to feel uncomfortable and leave.  Or, he'll invite me to stay and then ask me to leave.  The connection is waning.

It's probably me.  I'm too stressed out to be effective in any relationship.






*****


I realized that every time I have a concern, we break up rather than deal with it.  Then, after a week or so, we hook back up as though nothing happened.  Nothing really gets resolved.  My trust starts to fade.  Each time, I give him less and less.  I love him but I don't think I can be with him.  I think we would need heavy duty coaching.  He promised to go to coaching with me, but, really....if we have to do that this early in the game, we probably shouldn't be together. 




It also dawned on me that all the fights are to give him space so he can find someone else.


Every time he acts out, we break up.  He claims to have found another love interest.  That is what the break ups are about.  They are to give him time to find someone else.  When he doesn't, he settles for me. 


I don't want him to settle.


*****


I decided to bow out.  It is my fault.  I don't feel right being in a relationship until my ex-husband moves out of the house.  I am working on it.  This is for the best.  It really is. 


When Steve asked for a break, I gave him a permanent one.


The break is a way to NOT speak to the problem. 


It is a way to avoid it.

*****
If a connection is waning.  A break will other further the disconnection.  I figured it was easier to let it die today than to wait to address the issue in two weeks.


I thought I'd do the right thing for everyone and end things permanently.


I'm off to grieve. 


A girl has to do what a girl has to do. 


Men...fix problems or just break up.  Don't take a break.  It's a chicken's way out.


Love ya,

S. 

Men Behaving Badly

Today I am thankful for men who behave badly. 

I realize that men act like horny, judgmental jerks because they want to get rid of  women! 


Oh....


so when I wanted to talk about it and he was too tired,


I did him a solid. 


I ended things. 


*****


I'm off to do a ritual to Isis so he gets his true love.


I don't see myself having sex with this guy.   I think I'm too anxious around him to be me.  I don't know what I can do that won't wind up on Facebook, or told to his boss, or his mother.  It was hard to be free enough to be me. 
He sent me abusive emails.  That made it hard to trust him.  With each abusive threat, with each abusive name, with each abusive game, the trust diminished more and more.

There is something off about this relationship and I can't put my finger on it. 


As far as sex, I really don't see myself able to do that now. 


I think he'd just use me and then start an argument to make me uncomfortable so I'd wind up leaving.


The arguments were stupid.  He'd say some inaccurate thing like "the Romans conquered Ireland in the name of Christ so Christians are imperialists."

I'd correct him. The Romans conquered Ireland in the name of their emperor (Claudius, I think).

Then he'd claim that I agreed with him on theory, so correcting him meant I didn't love him.   


When I called the argument stupid and silly, he claimed I called him stupid and silly.


When I called it bullshit, then I was talking dirty in his room but not in a fashion he approved.


I'm bottom lining it.  I'm adding my language to it.  I'm using prettier words.  In sum, things got to the point that I didn't know what I could say around him.


It was annoying. 


I grew tired of it.


****


I like fellatio. 


I need a guy who will let me take my time with it without demonstrating his desires on my index finger. 


That was weird.  That put me off.  I thought that if I'd have a few hours with him, we could play.  We could experiment and decide what each other liked. 


After that, I really couldn't do anything more than vanilla with him. 
We couldn't get cozy together.


So, breaking up must be the only solution. 


*****
Even when we had something scheduled to do together, he'd only want to be alone with me.


I'd dress up for events we wouldn't go to. 


It got old.


I can't do this anymore. 
I'd see him.  He'd corner me.  He'd want sex.  He'd want me to drive him around.  He'd argue.  I'd leave.  I was getting bored.


I know in the past he's broken up with me to create drama and to try to get something out of me.


When I do it...I AM serious.


He doesn't want to talk to me.
I NEVER want to see him again. 
This works.


*****



I can't do this anymore.


I'm in too much pain.


Just think of all the time I'm going to have for political functions now!! 

Wow.....





Love ya,

S.

Eureka

Today I am thankful that I KNOW why I keep running away from the man I was seeing.

 

I don't trust him any more. 

 

- I don't trust that he won't threaten me.  He does.  He plays games with me.  He threatens to report me to Facebook for innocent posts (even when I've blocked him). 

 

This has caused me to stop posting to Facebook.  The lack of Facebook posting is harming my job search. 

 

- I don't trust that I can take my time and enjoy intimacy without him either complaining about my technique or telling everyone he knows.

 

This has caused me to hold back. The over sharing about his feelings has already cost me at least one professional relationship.  


He literally runs to Facebook with everything.  It's upsetting.


Worse, his mother called me a Wiccan.  How does she know? 

I'm not Wiccan.  I'm Pagan.  It's not the same thing!

 

- I  don't trust him not to pitch a fit if I don't spend every Friday night and Saturday morning with him.  It has cost me one job....one. 

 

I don't know that I want to carve out that time anymore.  If I want to rebuild my life, I'm going to need to do stuff for myself on the weekends. 


*****

 

I am debating cutting him lose so he can find someone else.

 

- He wants a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. 

 

Right now....I want to clean up my world, get organized, so that I can pounce when the right opportunities come along. 

 

I'm not sure if I want to write about what he did that sent me packing. 

 

He claims I can talk to him about anything...but in reality, I can't.  He wants to control the atmosphere.  That means, I can't talk about heavy things. 

 

So.....I have to solve problems on my own.

 

I don't think he'd listen to me if I told him.

 

I don't know....

 

I think there is some wisdom in being alone until you rebuild your life. 

 

This is probably what I need to do. 

 

It's going to hurt but I don't think I can tolerate it.   The games drive me nuts.  The games make us incompatible. 


I'm not myself around him. 


Maybe that's it.  Maybe I need to find someone so uncritical that I can actually be the playful person that I truly am. 




****
One of the problems with breaking up is that I don't want my ex-husband to think he won.  He has forbidden me to see this guy.  If I break up, it's because I don't want to be dominated.  It will have nothing to do with my ex's complaints about him.


I feel happier when I think I can be free from the complaining.   Maybe the best way to do that is to break up. 


I'm still processing it.


There are plenty of women in the world.  I'm sure any man can find another.

 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

Re-embracing Celibacy

Today I am thankful for my new found return to celibacy.

I have decided that I am too anxious for a sexual relationship. 

I don't know how to talk about it. 

I just know that I am unaccustomed to feeling pushed around.
I get anxious when I think about a relationship.  I break out in a cold sweat.  I want to run away.
At first I thought it was because my ex won't leave.
Now it happens with Steve.
I'm thinking that there is definitely something wrong with me.


*****
To be honest, I really do feel a bit like a booty call.
I am having a hard time getting fun and flirty due to an incident a few months ago.  I wanted to give a certain special someone fellatio.  I couldn't get the rhythm right.  I couldn't get the pressure right.  Some guys don't like the backing off bit that is intended to make everything super strong in the end.
I felt criticized.
I decided to never be free with this person again.
Do what I want means....
do what he wants me to do the way he wants it.
I wish men came with personalized instruction manuals.


*****


I certainly don't like being chewed out for not doing something right and then invited to do it again.

If a guy tells me that he doesn't like what I do, I'm hard pressed to do it again without psyching myself up for it.
When I try talking about it, I am told that I am not remembering it right.
That is frustrating to the hilt.

*****
I need to know how to make it better.  I've Googled a few things but I am still not sure if those things will work.

I am looking for my metronome.  I'm a bass player.  I'm sure I can find a rhythm.
Maybe I can try coconut oil.  Maybe it'll make things slippery in a healthy way.
The pressure thing....I don't know. 
Maybe he just doesn't like me.
*****
 

If I try talking about the issue, I am a buzz kill.  Talking about it ruins the fun.  He will literally tell me this.  He wants a certain mood.  I am spoiling the mood.
That hurts.


If I cannot talk about sex, it's probably best not to do it.

If I cannot have sex, there is no point to a relationship.


The man literally scoffed when I tried talking about it.

I left.


Maybe it's just me.
Maybe my life is so negative, I can't add any more negativity to it.

Maybe I need to be alone until I clean up my world.


*****

On the drive home.....I decided...to re-embrace celibacy.


I'm putting this here so I can reference it when Steve tries to come back. 

I can't do it. 

He's pushy.

My needs don't count. There is really no time for them to count.


*****
I don't think he means for it to be this way.  With time the commodity that it is, it just turns out that way.  We only can see each other once a week, three times a month.  It dramatically cuts down the amount of time we have to talk about the rhythm he wants during fellatio.  In my head, I refer to that as my fellatio fail.  I can't get the rhythm, the pressure, or anything right. 
I don't know what to do.  I don't like the complaining so it is easier not to offer.
I like doing that. 
I just don't have a partner patient enough to let me explore it. 
That's okay....maybe I just have too much on my mind right now.
Maybe it is best for me to be celibate right now.



*****

I am realizing that relationships take the focus off the things that I need to do for myself.


I need to get my world in order before bringing another person into it.


So...there....


I can love him from a distance. 


That will have to suffice.

There are plenty of other women in the world.  He can choose one of them to push around.




*****

Now, there is one development with my ex-husband that I should share.  He settled for a huge sum of money in cash.  Let's just say it is $10,000 more than the sum he stole from me. 


I don't know if I should ask him to pay me some of the money he took back or if I should ask him to use it to move out of the house.

I am depressed.

I am realizing that he's using my money to control me.  He doles it out to me as he sees fit.  He was supposed to turn it over to me nearly a year ago. 

And guess what?  Now....now he wants to cooperate in getting the house fixed up to sell. 

Why now?

Is it because I am on the verge of kicking him out?

Actually, I think my depression is so bad, I'm on the verge of biting it.   I don't see how to get away from Michael and his sister until I am six feet under.  This is why I threw myself back into therapy.  I am depressed. 


Because of what I am enduring from Michael, I am NOT open to any type of control from any man. 


Any control.....at all....

Even.....IN....bed.

*****

I don't want to say what happened.  I am just pissed off that I cannot talk about my needs without having Facebook posts thrown in my face or my concerns minimized. 


If I post about wanting an adventure....it means to a certain person...that I want to engage in light bondage.  This makes me want to delete my Facebook account.  It's bad enough he tells everybody everything.....it's worse when he reads into the things that I post.


Worse, I blocked him on Facebook because he likes to post about our relationship.  Many of the things he posts are less than flattering and I do NOT want to see it.  During the blocking period, he was looking at my page and threatening to report me for bullying him.  Get this - NOTHING I posted was about him.  It was general stuff that I was sharing from my friends.

That, too...makes me want to bolt.  It's a game.  I do not have time for games. 



That's not what bugs me. 


If I do what he claims to want, I know it will inevitably lead to a fight because I cannot do anything right for this guy. 


I think I resolved not to try to be more than a passive partner in order to get back into the relationship.


I find myself not wanting the relationship anymore.


I am bored of it. 


I don't want to dress up.  I don't want to wear heels.  I don't want to tease.  I don't want to flirt.

I guess that depresses me on some level. 


There is something off about this entire relationship.  I don't know how to communicate with him.  He has to always be right.  He has to always be in charge. I cannot tell him when he is wrong (lest I hurt his feelings).  I stuff my feelings.  I stuff my knowledge.  I share very little of myself. 

I think I am becoming ambivalent about it.


*****


There are times when a woman must be alone. 


I took off like a bat out of hell at 1:00 a.m.


Do you know something? 

My car door is broken.  I can't open it.  I can't close the window.  In my garage, I have to jump into it like it is the  Duke's of Hazard General Lee.   This is a funny sight.

It was freezing, driving around with my window wide open at 1:30 in the morning.

I got home around 1:30 a.m. and found myself locked out of my own house.  The locks were changed due to the stalking.  We had an issue with another broken lock.  The locks were changed.   I never got the keys. 

I'm not happy.

Thankfully, the garage was warm and dry.


I am going to have to take control of my life away from men.


*****

I guess I need to avoid men until I can solve my issue at home.  It's stressful enough without dealing with pushy men trying to push me too far too fast. 

I'm constantly being told to step into my fear.  I do a lot of that.  I leave the house despite the stalking.  I post online despite the stalking.  I give speeches despite the stalking.  I am doing quite a bit of things that I fear doing.  I reach out. 

There are limits to what I can do in any given day. 

I can only do so much. 

Maybe moving to Kansas would be an ideal solution. 


I need to be alone. 
*****
I was violently ill on Saturday. 
The pain is still waking me up in the middle of the night.  I'm wondering if I have appendicitis.  I'll give it a couple of days.
I don't think that is messing with my mind.  I think the head games and pushiness have pushed me a little too far.  As of today, I am not sure that I want to see this man again.
*****
Note to guys who want their girlfriends to try BDSM: talk about it first.  Let her know what she can do with you while she has you tied up.  Don't get pushy.  Don't tell her she can do anything she wants and then bitch that it's not good enough (Or if you have a history of complaining about the way she pleasures you).


I think I met a man who wants to dominate me but doesn't know it yet.

I'm annoyed.








Love ya,

S.

Parties (with edits)

Today I am thankful for birthday parties.

Okay....


My sister is having a birthday party for her youngest daughter tomorrow afternoon.

She invited me. 


She invited my family.

Now, I have to concern myself with the definition of family. 


Is my family the children and I?


Is it my family, my love, and the children?


Does the concept of family constitute my household? 

Do I have to bring my ex-husband? 


My sister hates my ex-husband.  I had been forbidden to visit with her children because she hated my husband so much.  My sister was delighted at our divorce.  She was more delighted learning that I was dating an Anarchist who believes that prostitution shouldn't be illegal.


I think she wants to meet the Anarchist.


Sigh.....


As the holidays swiftly approach, this is going to be a common question.


Do I bring my love? 


Do I bring the ex?

This is so damn weird.


Maybe I should go alone.


What is the formality one must follow in these situations? 


I want to run and hide.

My life is one awkward party.


I can't stand it anymore.

Love ya,

S.


Edit:

Well, the invitation was first extended to my ex-husband. 


They are not treating us like we are divorced.  My initial reaction is to recoil in horror and run away from town. 

It gets worse.

My sister was bragging about her "new" friends.


Take a wild guess as to who they are.

Yep...my sister has made friends with my political enemies.

One of them will be there.

Guess why they want me there? 

Actually, I have to guess. 

I don't know. 

I wonder if they know about the recall effort? 


I'd rather not go. 


I will.  I'll behave.  I promise. 

Who knows?  They may convince me to run again.

We will see. 

At least I won't be there long enough to eat the cake.


After party edit:


It wasn't so bad. 


The liberal guy just took a lot of pictures of me.  He only asked me one political question and that was my party affiliation.  I told him that I was a registered Libertarian and he left me alone.

He took a lot of pics, though.


It went well. 

I haven't seen my sister in the light in ages.  When we run into each other it is typically at night.  She doesn't keep normal hours.  She's a night owl who lives like a vampire.

Her name is Ginger.

I used to laugh because I was the redhead.  She was a natural blonde.

Well....now Ginger has curly red hair just like I do.  She laments that she can't dye the red away. 


That poor dear.

I know how it feels.

She wants me to apply to be her boss at a nursing home.  Her boss quit. 


Do you know why?


The resident's families are taking advantage of the corporation.


My sister said that some orderly is stealing hundreds of dollars from a few of the people living there.  The home responds by giving the families hundreds of dollars off of their monthly rent.


The orderlies are not stealing anything.  The families are talking to each other and finding a way to lower their rent.


I smell a scam. 

I don't know if I want the job.  I have to research the pay first.


*****

I'm still in pain.  I'm still sad.  I'm still confused. 

My family was talking about how sad it was that I was divorced from Michael even though it is obvious that we care about each other.


Yes....but...the relationship was not working.


Yes....but...I do not know how to get away.


Yes....but...I think I need to be alone for the rest of my life or until I can find a way to get away from Michael. 


That makes me depressed.


*****


Oh....there is one funny thing that I saw etched in the sidewalk outside of my sister's condo.  Someone had etched an encircled Anarchist A in the concrete.

I wonder if my sister did that. 

I won't have to worry about this for another month. 


Her birthday is four weeks away. 

That'll give me time to figure out who goes to parties with me.


I don't think it will be much of an issue.  I don't think I'll be attached.  I can't be in a relationship in this situation.  Until my ex-husband moves out of the house, I am not girlfriend material.

I am in unsexy mode. 


I can't get into sex under these circumstances.


I don't see how to end the situation in a manner that will not harm the children.

I think I am stuck. 


I don't know.


I'm trying to find a solution.

Maybe there isn't one.