Today I am thankful for relationship breaks.
A relationship break means I am single.
Steve said something that scared me. He's said similar things several times before. I spoke to my therapist about it and he thought it was a sign of a personality disorder.
I don't believe that shrink. I'm thinking about firing the shrink. He doesn't seem very well educated. The only thing I agree with is that what was said points to a delusion. That delusion could make me unsafe someday.
This therapist, though, hasn't really been very kind. I am not sure I take him as an authority. He said that no one believed me about the stalking. That's not true. I was having coffee with a psychiatrist buddy of mine during a four hour stalking fest. The psychiatrist believes me. Shannon and her boyfriend Doug harassed my landlord (she's a psychologist who specializes in NPD). This psychologist believes me. People who have seen it believe me and urge me to take action to stay safe. The shrink I saw today doesn't believe me.
*****
On the bright side, this shrink made me realize that I should address my concerns with Steve. I tried to talk to Steve about it.
I can't. I can't do it without sounding....well...cold and clinical.
Truth be told, I am no longer comfortable around him.
I don't think he is comfortable around me.
He'll invite me over and do freaky things that cause me to feel uncomfortable and leave. Or, he'll invite me to stay and then ask me to leave. The connection is waning.
It's probably me. I'm too stressed out to be effective in any relationship.
*****
I realized that every time I have a concern, we break up rather than deal with it. Then, after a week or so, we hook back up as though nothing happened. Nothing really gets resolved. My trust starts to fade. Each time, I give him less and less. I love him but I don't think I can be with him. I think we would need heavy duty coaching. He promised to go to coaching with me, but, really....if we have to do that this early in the game, we probably shouldn't be together.
It also dawned on me that all the fights are to give him space so he can find someone else.
Every time he acts out, we break up. He claims to have found another love interest. That is what the break ups are about. They are to give him time to find someone else. When he doesn't, he settles for me.
I don't want him to settle.
*****
I decided to bow out. It is my fault. I don't feel right being in a relationship until my ex-husband moves out of the house. I am working on it. This is for the best. It really is.
When Steve asked for a break, I gave him a permanent one.
The break is a way to NOT speak to the problem.
It is a way to avoid it.
*****
If a connection is waning. A break will other further the disconnection. I figured it was easier to let it die today than to wait to address the issue in two weeks.
I thought I'd do the right thing for everyone and end things permanently.
I'm off to grieve.
A girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Men...fix problems or just break up. Don't take a break. It's a chicken's way out.
Love ya,
S.