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Eureka

Today I am thankful that I KNOW why I keep running away from the man I was seeing.
 
I don't trust him any more. 
 
- I don't trust that he won't threaten me.  He does.  He plays games with me.  He threatens to report me to Facebook for innocent posts (even when I've blocked him). 
 
This has caused me to stop posting to Facebook.  The lack of Facebook posting is harming my job search. 
 
- I don't trust that I can take my time and enjoy intimacy without him either complaining about my technique or telling everyone he knows.
 
This has caused me to hold back. The over sharing about his feelings has already cost me at least one professional relationship.  


He literally runs to Facebook with everything.  It's upsetting.


Worse, his mother called me a Wiccan.  How does she know? 

I'm not Wiccan.  I'm Pagan.  It's not the same thing!
 
- I  don't trust him not to pitch a fit if I don't spend every Friday night and Saturday morning with him.  It has cost me one job....one. 
 
I don't know that I want to carve out that time anymore.  If I want to rebuild my life, I'm going to need to do stuff for myself on the weekends. 


*****
 
I am debating cutting him lose so he can find someone else.
 
- He wants a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. 
 
Right now....I want to clean up my world, get organized, so that I can pounce when the right opportunities come along. 
 
I'm not sure if I want to write about what he did that sent me packing. 
 
He claims I can talk to him about anything...but in reality, I can't.  He wants to control the atmosphere.  That means, I can't talk about heavy things. 
 
So.....I have to solve problems on my own.
 
I don't think he'd listen to me if I told him.
 
I don't know....
 
I think there is some wisdom in being alone until you rebuild your life. 
 
This is probably what I need to do. 
 
It's going to hurt but I don't think I can tolerate it.   The games drive me nuts.  The games make us incompatible. 


I'm not myself around him. 


Maybe that's it.  Maybe I need to find someone so uncritical that I can actually be the playful person that I truly am. 




****
One of the problems with breaking up is that I don't want my ex-husband to think he won.  He has forbidden me to see this guy.  If I break up, it's because I don't want to be dominated.  It will have nothing to do with my ex's complaints about him.


I feel happier when I think I can be free from the complaining.   Maybe the best way to do that is to break up. 


I'm still processing it.


There are plenty of women in the world.  I'm sure any man can find another.
 
 
Love ya,
 
S. 

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