Today I am thankful for my new found return to celibacy.
I have decided that I am too anxious for a sexual relationship.
I don't know how to talk about it.
I just know that I am unaccustomed to feeling pushed around.
I get anxious when I think about a relationship. I break out in a cold sweat. I want to run away.
At first I thought it was because my ex won't leave.
Now it happens with Steve.
I'm thinking that there is definitely something wrong with me.
*****
To be honest, I really do feel a bit like a booty call.
I am having a hard time getting fun and flirty due to an incident a few months ago. I wanted to give a certain special someone fellatio. I couldn't get the rhythm right. I couldn't get the pressure right. Some guys don't like the backing off bit that is intended to make everything super strong in the end.
I felt criticized.
I decided to never be free with this person again.
Do what I want means....
do what he wants me to do the way he wants it.
I wish men came with personalized instruction manuals.
*****
I certainly don't like being chewed out for not doing something right and then invited to do it again.
If a guy tells me that he doesn't like what I do, I'm hard pressed to do it again without psyching myself up for it.
When I try talking about it, I am told that I am not remembering it right.
That is frustrating to the hilt.
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I need to know how to make it better. I've Googled a few things but I am still not sure if those things will work.
I am looking for my metronome. I'm a bass player. I'm sure I can find a rhythm.
Maybe I can try coconut oil. Maybe it'll make things slippery in a healthy way.
The pressure thing....I don't know.
Maybe he just doesn't like me.
*****
If I try talking about the issue, I am a buzz kill. Talking about it ruins the fun. He will literally tell me this. He wants a certain mood. I am spoiling the mood.
That hurts.
If I cannot talk about sex, it's probably best not to do it.
If I cannot have sex, there is no point to a relationship.
The man literally scoffed when I tried talking about it.
I left.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe my life is so negative, I can't add any more negativity to it.
Maybe I need to be alone until I clean up my world.
*****
On the drive home.....I decided...to re-embrace celibacy.
I'm putting this here so I can reference it when Steve tries to come back.
I can't do it.
He's pushy.
My needs don't count. There is really no time for them to count.
*****
I don't think he means for it to be this way. With time the commodity that it is, it just turns out that way. We only can see each other once a week, three times a month. It dramatically cuts down the amount of time we have to talk about the rhythm he wants during fellatio. In my head, I refer to that as my fellatio fail. I can't get the rhythm, the pressure, or anything right.
I don't know what to do. I don't like the complaining so it is easier not to offer.
I like doing that.
I just don't have a partner patient enough to let me explore it.
That's okay....maybe I just have too much on my mind right now.
Maybe it is best for me to be celibate right now.
*****
I am realizing that relationships take the focus off the things that I need to do for myself.
I need to get my world in order before bringing another person into it.
So...there....
I can love him from a distance.
That will have to suffice.
There are plenty of other women in the world. He can choose one of them to push around.
*****
Now, there is one development with my ex-husband that I should share. He settled for a huge sum of money in cash. Let's just say it is $10,000 more than the sum he stole from me.
I don't know if I should ask him to pay me some of the money he took back or if I should ask him to use it to move out of the house.
I am depressed.
I am realizing that he's using my money to control me. He doles it out to me as he sees fit. He was supposed to turn it over to me nearly a year ago.
And guess what? Now....now he wants to cooperate in getting the house fixed up to sell.
Why now?
Is it because I am on the verge of kicking him out?
Actually, I think my depression is so bad, I'm on the verge of biting it. I don't see how to get away from Michael and his sister until I am six feet under. This is why I threw myself back into therapy. I am depressed.
Because of what I am enduring from Michael, I am NOT open to any type of control from any man.
Any control.....at all....
Even.....IN....bed.
*****
I don't want to say what happened. I am just pissed off that I cannot talk about my needs without having Facebook posts thrown in my face or my concerns minimized.
If I post about wanting an adventure....it means to a certain person...that I want to engage in light bondage. This makes me want to delete my Facebook account. It's bad enough he tells everybody everything.....it's worse when he reads into the things that I post.
Worse, I blocked him on Facebook because he likes to post about our relationship. Many of the things he posts are less than flattering and I do NOT want to see it. During the blocking period, he was looking at my page and threatening to report me for bullying him. Get this - NOTHING I posted was about him. It was general stuff that I was sharing from my friends.
That, too...makes me want to bolt. It's a game. I do not have time for games.
That's not what bugs me.
If I do what he claims to want, I know it will inevitably lead to a fight because I cannot do anything right for this guy.
I think I resolved not to try to be more than a passive partner in order to get back into the relationship.
I find myself not wanting the relationship anymore.
I am bored of it.
I don't want to dress up. I don't want to wear heels. I don't want to tease. I don't want to flirt.
I guess that depresses me on some level.
There is something off about this entire relationship. I don't know how to communicate with him. He has to always be right. He has to always be in charge. I cannot tell him when he is wrong (lest I hurt his feelings). I stuff my feelings. I stuff my knowledge. I share very little of myself.
I think I am becoming ambivalent about it.
*****
There are times when a woman must be alone.
I took off like a bat out of hell at 1:00 a.m.
Do you know something?
My car door is broken. I can't open it. I can't close the window. In my garage, I have to jump into it like it is the Duke's of Hazard General Lee. This is a funny sight.
It was freezing, driving around with my window wide open at 1:30 in the morning.
I got home around 1:30 a.m. and found myself locked out of my own house. The locks were changed due to the stalking. We had an issue with another broken lock. The locks were changed. I never got the keys.
I'm not happy.
Thankfully, the garage was warm and dry.
I am going to have to take control of my life away from men.
*****
I guess I need to avoid men until I can solve my issue at home. It's stressful enough without dealing with pushy men trying to push me too far too fast.
I'm constantly being told to step into my fear. I do a lot of that. I leave the house despite the stalking. I post online despite the stalking. I give speeches despite the stalking. I am doing quite a bit of things that I fear doing. I reach out.
There are limits to what I can do in any given day.
I can only do so much.
Maybe moving to Kansas would be an ideal solution.
I need to be alone.
*****
I was violently ill on Saturday.
The pain is still waking me up in the middle of the night. I'm wondering if I have appendicitis. I'll give it a couple of days.
I don't think that is messing with my mind. I think the head games and pushiness have pushed me a little too far. As of today, I am not sure that I want to see this man again.
*****
Note to guys who want their girlfriends to try BDSM: talk about it first. Let her know what she can do with you while she has you tied up. Don't get pushy. Don't tell her she can do anything she wants and then bitch that it's not good enough (Or if you have a history of complaining about the way she pleasures you).
I think I met a man who wants to dominate me but doesn't know it yet.
I'm annoyed.
Love ya,
S.