Ambivalance (with edits)

Today I am thankful for ambivalence.


The opposite of love is not hate: The opposite of love is ambivalence.

I think I'm going to fire the shrink I saw over the past three weeks. 


The reason?


Countertransference....


I think he identifies with my ex-husband.  He keeps talking about how I need to make it clear that our relationship is over.  He wants me to barricade my living space to keep my ex out of it.


That seems extreme.  Barricading my living space could keep me from leaving it, too.


The therapist also said that no one believed me when I spoke about the stalking.  I know that is not true.  Many people have been around during incidents.  Some people pointed it out to me.  I know this is real.  I believe that this therapist doesn't believe me. 

Then the therapist told me that I was stringing my ex-husband along.  I don't know how I'm doing that.  Every Saturday, I ask Michael what he wants and how he wants the separation to go.  Every Saturday, I fail to get an answer. 

The people at legal aid have never followed through.  It's understandable. They have huge case loads and I think they get flakey in order to filter out people who can find another means to get things done.  I'm feeling the pressure to do whatever I can to get things done on my own.  I'm going to need about $3,000 to retain a good lawyer.  That's one month worth of living expenses.  I need a job to make sure I cover both expenses.  



Finally, my therapist asked me if I was sure that I wanted to schedule an appointment and he was shocked that I scheduled one.  Maybe he doesn't want to take me as a client.  Maybe the stalking scares him.  Maybe it could make him a target. 



So, due to that discomfort, I just left a message cancelling my remaining appointment and let him know that I decided to seek medically based therapy elsewhere.  I'm going to focus on getting a job and taking medication to deal with the anxiety.  I may join a support group if I can find one in my area. 

I need to deal with the anxiety first.  I need the stalking validated.  I went into therapy hoping I could understand it.  I was hoping that if I understood the motive, I could reason with the people behind it.  I'm being told that I cannot reason with my ex nor his family.

My therapist was frustrated that I continued to try to reason with my ex.  I think that frustrates my friends, too. 


I wanted strategies for dealing with the harassment.  I wanted insight into what was going on.

The state victim's advocate office was the best resource for safety planning.  Over the past week, I did everything she suggested. I probably shouldn't go into details.  I feel better.  This was a huge source of stress for me.


My ex swears up and down that he is the stalking victim and that I'm being harassed by his sister and members of his family in order to get to him.  If that is a possibility, surely, some therapist somewhere has seen this play out.  It has to be in the literature somewhere.  I haven't found it.  I figured a therapist familiar with stalking would have heard of this.  When I tell people this, they tend to look at me like they are trying to stifle laughter. 

This therapist was really no exception.  He told me to tell the stalker sister-in-law to take my ex-husband away.


I'm not joking.  That is what the therapist said.  I'd rather not talk to my stalker(s).


I have to consider the possibility that my ex-husband's story could be true.  If so, surely, there are a different set of strategies I can employ to keep my kids and family safe.

If my ex is being stalked and his family targeted to get his attention.  Really....are the kids safe?  I need to act in a manner to make sure they are.  Don't I?


My hope was that a therapist could help me understand if my ex-husband's family were more of a danger than my ex or if they were both equally dangerous.  Do enmeshed families stalk?  What does that look like?  How does one stay safe?  Is it possible that my ex is innocent?

What does NPD stalking look like?  My therapist said that narcissists do not rage.  I KNOW that is not true.  They do.


From that point, I was hoping to use the insight into the personality issue to come up with a safety plan. What can I do to stay safe?  I feel the need to isolate myself.


Right now....my best bet is to keep everyone happy.

That is what I am going to do.

I am going to keep my ex-husband happy until I figure it out on my own.  He doesn't seem to want sex (he's brought it up once in the past year).  How hard can it be to keep him happy?

Yes, it is hard to live with a man one used to be intimate with.  It's harder to live with him when you become ambivalent about it.  That is what probably drives other people up a wall.  I don't hate Michael.  I hate what he has done.  I am ambivalent about Michael.  He can stay.  He can go.  It doesn't matter.

That's NOT a bad thing.  Passion often turns to hatred.  Hatred can turn into passion.  They seem to be the opposite sides of the same coin.  This is probably why Steve and I have so many misundertandings, game playing incidents, and insecurities. 

I don't know...if I can't figure out how to keep the passion turned on the majority of the time, I think I prefer ambivalence.  The fighting is painful!


*****


Statistics show that I am in the most danger the moment my ex-husband moves out of the house.


I'll let him win.  I'll let him stay.  I'll work behind the scenes to get myself in a position to afford a decent lawyer.



The legal aid people never called me back.  That's okay.  They're busy.  I don't know if I trust them to follow through anyway.  I need a good lawyer.  I need someone that I can trust to follow through.


I need to do this one on my own.


*****

I decided that I cannot be in a relationship either until I get clarity on how this situation will end.  This is taking too much of a toll on my self-esteem.  This seriously degrades my energy.  When I deal with this situation, I find myself too tired to feel amorous.



That....too....I keep thinking about those abusive texts Steve sent me in April.  I know....I should forget.  I can't.  He called me a "looser".  I am thinking that I will need reconstructive surgery before being with a man in the future.  My sexual confidence is completely shot.  It's not Steve's fault.  It is just due to what I've dealt with over the past few years.

Those events stress me out, too.  The games....I really do not have the energy to play games. 

I'm in pain -but- the pain isn't going to end if I let this play out any longer.

I get the sense that he is bored with me.  I need to cut him lose.  It's the only fair thing to do. 

I'll do a ending ritual tonight.  I'll continue with it throughout the week. 

I'll also do a ritual to help me figure out how to resolve the issue with Michael.  I cannot honor Aphrodite if I am too stressed out to honor the man she brings into my life.

We'll see how it goes.

*****

Last night, I tossed and turned for eight hours.  I took four sleeping pills and still couldn't sleep.  In those wee, dark, depressing hours in the middle of the night, I decided to let Michael win.  I will stay here for now.  I will let Michael stay.  Yes, I know the house was given to me in the divorce -but- I never agreed with that.  Maybe it should be sold and the proceeds split.  Maybe I need to talk to an attorney that can give me a real world answer.  What works?  What doesn't work?  How do fair people deal with this set of circumstances?  I do not know.  If the agreement we signed worked, things would be different now.  I need an agreement that works.

Until I can figure this out, having my ex-husband live in this house is probably better for the children anyway.  Yes, I still have security cameras all around the house.  If I so much as see an in-law on any of the footage, I am getting a restraining order!


*****



Until I can make major changes to my financial situation, I have decided that if the only way to stop the stalking is to cave, that is what I will do.  My biggest dream is for the stalking to stop.  I guess this way is as good as any other.


*****

Yes, I am engaging in circular reasoning.  My former therapist pointed this out.  The root of my circular reasoning is my concern for my safety and the safety of my children.  The jobs I take will have to have security.   I will have to find secure daycare for the kids.  They need cell phones.   They need a secure home.  They need rides to school.  My car has to be safe.  I can't afford to break down in the middle of nowhere.  The computers and phones in this house will have to be secure.  Everything revolves around safety.  That is my primary concern.  For the past three years, I've made growing lists of things that I can do to stay safe.

I need security to make money.  I need money to buy those things that bring my family security. 

This has gone on for more than 23 years.  I thought we had a three year lull in it.  This was the point where I started my business but that was short lived.  They started to harass me at work within eighteen months of me starting to advertise my business. 

Now, I am finding out that there was no lull in the stalking.  I am being told that my in-laws were driving by the house about the time the kids were walking home from school.


I don't know what to believe.  I don't know if it has ended.  If not, I don't know when it will end.

I don't know if my ex-husband is doing it to keep me engaged with him and the situation.  I don't know if his family is doing it to get his attention.  I don't know if they will harass the kids as a means to get my ex's attention.  I don't know.  I really would like answers. 

I really doubt the answers will be forthcoming.  I'll probably have to let the fear fade over time.  I may change my name again.  I may change the children's names, too.  I am seriously thinking about moving away.


Moving away is probably the only true solution.  I may have to move out of state.  At that point, if they persist, it becomes an inter-state issue. 

Yes, I am engaging in circular reasoning.  Everything.....comes down to safety.  I need to feel safe.  I need to earn money to pay for those things that make us safer.  Until I can figure out how to do that, I realize that we are safest when the stalker is pacified.  I wish I KNEW who the stalker was or who is behind it, so until then, I'll just play small and quiet while I formulate a plan.



I wish I understood exactly what is going on.  I never will.  Will I?



Love ya,

S.