Today I am thankful that I no longer do anything online.
My business Google account was hacked for the second time this month.
I use two party authentication. I can't figure out how they're hacking it without my phone.
This is weird.
So....
I don't use Google Calendar after Doug Vega started showing up where I was supposed to be. Doug dated my sister-in-law. He was the guy who watched me sitting with a former flame eating pizza. Yeah...I guess watching a guy eat triangular things just screams sexy time - no wonder we were stalked.
Just teasing....in all seriousness.....
I think my brand new computer has a hardware keylogger on it. A software keylogger would be thwarted by my encryption software.
So....
I'm pissed.
I'm a lot of fun when I'm pissed.
********
Do you know what my favorite album is?
Ruthless People.....
I've listened to it steadily since 1987. I bought my first copy the day I broke up with my first love.
I'm on my fourth copy. Thank goodness for I-Tunes.
I listen to it while driving to and from work.....every single day.
I've been singing this song all year long.....
I sing this song to psych myself up for being more ruthless than the ruthless assholes.
I'm going to show someone how ruthless I can be. I'll do it with a smile.
Everyday I'll sing a little Luther. Actually, I don't sing this one.....I SHOUT it now!!!
Why the hell should I take my ex back???!!!!
I skip over Billy Joel and Paul Young.
I know I'm a modern hypnotist in high priced shoes. I'm tired of men calling my house home that don't belong there.
This song......the chick in this song is me.....
You have no say in anything I do.
I always thought I wore a sailor cap when I play bass because I love Larry Graham. Maybe it's because of Nero Swan.
It's strange what we forget to remember when we get older.
This song.....this song I try to skip. I always envision running into the guy who inspired the purchase of this album at a train station. Now that there is a light rail station near where we like to meet, it hits a little too close to home.
Yes, I've actually seen him while listening to this song....once under my window in Sept. 1987 and once in January 1988. It's not that big of a coincidence when you listen to it all the damn time.
So.....I try to skip the song now. I think of it as a prayer invoking the pain of watching him writhe when he sees me. He literally looks like he's in pain when he's near me. It's best to stay away.
This next song.....this is my guilty pleasure.
I'm always lovin' the bass line.
James Brown reminds me of Bootsy. It's funny watching how controlled he is in old video James Brown footage. At least he was free w/ George Clinton.
Yes, I've fantasized about being the Space Bass.
Shhhhh......that's a secret.....kind of.
I skip the synth song. I haven't heard it in over twenty-five years. I don't care if I'm speeding towards the back of a semi. I always skip that one.
The following song is my mantra.....don't be shy.
Take a risk.
Stand on it!
I wish I could sing the hot Nicole song. There is one note that I can't get....no matter how much I pay the singing teacher.
That doesn't stop me from trying.
This could be why no one crowds me in while I'm driving.
If you want the highway for yourself, try this ditty sometime.
Um....where is the high note in the video? I don't hear it.
Maybe the high note is my engine.
I'd better get that checked out.
Right now, I'm working on bein' ruthless.
I made some calls today.
I'm well on my way.
So I guess I have one more piss ant to squish now.
Today I am thankful I figured out what is going on.
I think the stalking was intended to run me out of the house.
I think the judge expects me to live with and support my abusive ex-husband. .
One of my daughters came to me crying today - she can't live with her dad anymore.
She threatened to drop out of school due to the stress.
I think I have to move out
and let my ex take the house.
I was given the house during the divorce
OVER THREE YEARS AGO
because my ex spent most of the retirement savings and could not produce records of where the money went.
I guess the house and all the equity is what he is after. The house has nearly doubled in value since the divorce was final.
I'm looking for a new place to live.
My ex can take the house and get it foreclosed upon.
I can't afford to pay the mortgage and rent.
So......
I'll lose the house and the equity.
I hope that effin' judge is happy.
He forced me to live with my abuser another sixty days because the abuse had gone on so long,
what's another sixty days?
That's what he said. The Arapahoe County judge said that this had been going on so long that he didn't think sixty more days was a problem.
What's sixty days?
It's enough time for my kiddo to threaten to drop out of school.
The craps ends NOW!
********
Rumor has it that I'm a witch that sends demons after people.
Rumors have a way of getting out of hand.
The truth is that I'm a bitch who has inner demons that cause her shadow side to play politics.
What do you believe?
If you believe in astrology, there was another woman born on my birthday whose son was gunned down trying to do the right thing for the courts.
She doesn't play nice either. She worships the government.
I see myself in her - except I'm Irish - and hate the government.
It took Thanksgiving dinner to remind me why.
I got caught up on the fate of a foster child I tried to advocate for back in '87.
I'm going to go to war.
It's a sick day when a docile redheaded woman goes to war.
That's funny.
Is there such a thing as a docile redheaded woman?
I have some white hair now. I'm going platinum.
It's awesome. I always thought I'd be a famous musician.
No...I'm known for something else.
Ms. Platinum heard that a one of the kids I advocated for was beat to death by the Denver Police Department twenty five years later.
Another was shot to death by the Arvada Police Department. I haven't had a chance to research the circumstances behind these deaths.
These men didn't have a chance, did they?
The problem started a long time ago.
They were both foster children of color.
I'm angry. When I'm angry. I smile.....a bit too long.....like I'm going to go for your throat.
For a government, funding is what runs through its jugular.
I know what needs cut.
*******
I realize now why I hate the government so damn much. They put me in foster care for a time. A relative took me in. They kept my sister in foster care.
I lied about my age and got a job so I could live in Capital Hill. I took the bus more than ten miles to school every day.
I graduated at seventeen.
I met a lot of homeless kids.
Many of them were abused.
The worst story hailed from Arvada. There was a group home near Olde Wadsworth. The kids told me about a twelve year old's bottom impaled with a broom handle.
I saw the terror in their faces as they told me the story.
I believe them.
Jeffco human services didn't give a shit.
I went to war with Denver human services a few times trying to adopt a relative away from her pimp.
I'm about to nail a Denver Human Services case worker with CMS. I mean.....seriously...if you kick a family with children off of Medicaid because they made $100 more in a month - TELL THEM ABOUT CHILD HEALTH PLAN PLUS.
CHP+ was intended to prevent churning. I want to know who he is, maybe he can be compelled to give up his good paying job to someone who actually gives a damn.
Maybe these assholes making insurance decisions needs to hold a state insurance license that they pay for out of their own pocket. It's easy to get. I've got one.....okay, I've got several in many states.
Come on!
The taxpayers are paying for CHP+ anyway, we may as well use it.
I SHOULD NOT HEAR ABOUT THIS CRAP AT THANKSGIVING DINNER!!!
********
That's why I wanted a Ph.D. in social work. I was stalked out of school. My intention was to return for a PH.D. in psychology -but- stalkers are nuts that made me crazy.
I'm insane. I'm not insane enough to invest in a degree in this economic climate.
That's why I have a BA in social work and a MA in psychology. Social workers don't understand how psychiatric issues play into family dynamics. Psychologists don't understand how family can impact an individual's psyche.
As far as the broom wielder, that foster parent is long dead. The government paid her to abuse kids.
She got to live far too long.
I've been angry about that for a very long time.....a long, long time.
I saw too much.
I heart too much.
I even had two Denver cops rough me up. I guess they were pissed I didn't have drugs.
Their names.....emblazoned in my memory.....Sgt. James....Sgt. Miller.
My crime? I was seventeen.
My money went to rent and bass guitars. I couldn't afford drugs.
Sorry to disappoint...but the cops abuses led me into social work. I began to talk to the street kids.
I learned a lot about what they'd been through.
I tried to change things.
I've met people who actually change things. They don't take a dime of government money.
They're funded by churches.
Even the Pagans have a ministry.
I just realized that this is how the government made me into the bitch I am.
Hmmmmm......
********
I had a lot of therapy for the PTSD.
The problem with stalking.....well...the PTSD is back.
The bitch is back.
I hate the government. I hate how they fund evil. I hate how they hide evil.
This is why I like transparency.
I know why I live and breathe distrust of the government.
I hope Trump keeps his promise to shrink it.
He won't.
He's a wimp.
I think you need to miss a few meals to really feel hatred for the government.
You need to sleep a night outside without somewhere to go.
You need to feel it....
You need to rescue a kid from prostitution and hold his hand as he dies of AIDS.....
RIP Brian L.
You need to get how this happens in the real world.
Trump doesn't seethe like I do.
He's never lived the hopeless pain of too much stupid government interference in his life.
When a couple of bike cops roll you for non-existent drugs.....you see why the government is too big.
Smaller government - it would be a nice thought.
*********
Thanksgiving day reminded me why I seethe when governments force people to live with abusers.
I thought that crap would end when I turned 18.
Nope - you can be forced to live with an unemployed ex-husband whose family is prone to stalking....
THREE YEARS AFTER YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL!!!
Wow....just wow.....
by stupid social workers - stupid judges - all cozy on the government dole.
They don't care so long as they have their cushy jobs.
Maybe we need to make those jobs vanish into thin air.
Yes, I'm thinking about a campaign to remove this judge. I need his name so I can find out when he's up for re-election.
Yes, I have a plan.
There is nothing that can be done for my case. There are things I can do to protect others.
National stalking month is January. I have press contacts. I may fire my lawyer and go on an interview spree.
I've lost everything. Why not?
*********
My ex doesn't want me to move out.
He refuses to move out.
I can't take it anymore. .
I'm going to make a judge incredibly famous.
I'll offer my the ex the house.
I've offered before. He doesn't want the house.
He wants me to live with him. I can't.
There is something incredibly wrong with this picture, isn't there?
The problem could end if we could educate our judges as to the nature of control.
I find myself dreaming about the couple who the judge saw before meeting my ex and I. The woman filed over 250 contempt citations against her ex. The judge did nothing. Either those citations are valid or they are not. Stop wasting our tax dollars! Settle the issue and get these people out of court.
I'm wondering.....is she stalking her ex through the courts? It's costing the taxpayers a bundle!
Why is the judge letting people get away with this crap?
They need educated. That's it.
Stalking victims live in prison. I wish judges understood.
Maybe someday I'll thank the idiot for waking up my inner shadow bitch.
I've been asleep too long.
Love ya lots,
S.
Edit sometime later:
I made the offer.
He rejected the house - I would have given it to him free and clear if we could move.
He doesn't want it.
He doesn't want me to move out.
He claims he has no where to go so I have to take care of him....here.
I did receive a low ball offer on the house from an investor. I wonder if I would be within my legal rights to sell it?
Probably not.....
Today I am thankful that I'm a bitch with a guitar case.
I'm serious.
I'm scared.
My ex kicked a mouse to death.
He KICKED a MOUSE to DEATH.
I have to wonder ......am I or the kids next?
Stupid judge......letting that person live with me another sixty days.
I told on that judge
to my baby sister....
don't laugh.
She's my younger sister. She's friends with serious Democrats. We are talking a congresswoman whose mother is a domestic violence counselor.
They have a theory about me. I'm angry. I advocate for myself (cuz I'm a libertarian.... they say it makes me selfish). .I don't think they figured out that the girl who got a former secretary of state riled up when she was attorney general - is the same woman that ran for mayor of a huge town twenty five years later.
I met a secretary of state who had to wrestle my 16 year old sister from a state funded foster home bordello.
My sister claims to be friends with a Kennedy trying to get her to write a book about our lives.
That book had best be about her life.
I have to say.....
after being a psychotherapist - what my sister and I endured is fairly common. The state makes crappy parents.
It happens to a lot of foster kids.
No one wants a book about us. We're common.
Her maybe....because she's hot.
Me....not so much.
*****
I am angry.
I'm an INFJ. We can Adolph situations in the name of justice.
Hitler was an INFJ.
We have a tendency to go too far when we feel that we've been slighted.
Mohandas Ghandi was an INFJ.
They had people killed for their belief system.
Nelson Mandela was in INFJ.
Jimmy Carter is an INFJ.
Um....bad example. Carter is said to be peaceful and doesn't yell.
I don't yell. I stage whisper....and stare with intensity.
INFJs are hella scary.
I don't need to have anyone killed. Social Darwinism takes care of dorks for us.
****
There is another creepy note.
I woke up last Tuesday and found the garage door open.
Nothing was taken out of the garage.
THE KNOB ON THE GARAGE DOOR LEADING INTO THE HOUSE WAS BROKEN.
Michael says it was age. The locks are old.
I have new locks and knobs I bought months ago. I will install them when the courts tell Michael to leave.
This has happened at my office, too. I don't know if it is part of the stalking or if the cleaning staff forgot to lock up.
I didn't say anything.
If it happens again, I'm calling the cops. Maybe if I give them Starbucks gift cards, they'll take a report.
******
There were some cute things that happened yesterday.
I found out my niece plays bass, too. Her boyfriend is an artist whose mother leaves him alone for hours on end. It's better he stay with my sister than go into foster care.
I know what they're getting for Christmas.
AWESOME!
My daughter wants a bass.
I feel stupid giving away the Steinberger and the Koa Wood Peavey now.
No matter.
I know people getting rid of their guitars.
Shopping is going to be easy this year.
Since it's time to go out and spend money I don't have, I'm going to leave this blog entry short.
*****
My sister and I had an argument.
It was about whether or not I am evil.
I think I'm evil. Judges and lawmakers are ripping off poor people and putting them in danger.
It needs to stop.
Its up to me to make it stop. Seriously...if I don't...who will?
My sister said the judge could put me on a 48 hour psych hold.
Sure...whatever. Masters degree in psych.....I work with licensed therapists. It isn't going to happen.
I'm working on a plan.
Maybe if I push a law forcing judges into expensive domestic violence training that they pay for out of pocket, the good judges will they'll apply pressure on the lazy judges to do the right thing by victims.
I've written before about male victims of violence. This is not a gender issue.
Yes, most abusers are male. I think it is how society is set up. Remember that this does not make men immune to domestic violence.
A woman can divorce a man and marry an abuser. I have seen cases where the abuser will attack the first spouse and the kids. The courts will keep the kids with the woman and abuser. The father is kept out of the picture.
This happens. Judges need to open their eyes.
In my mind, domestic violence education will be good for mothers, fathers and children because judges will be forced to understand it.
Even though education is expensive, ignorance costs more.
My working plan is contacting my buddies that run psych schools and get them to force a law on the books so they can make more dough providing continuing education credits to judges.
I'm going to then tell my story to my lawmaker buddies.
My plan is subject to change at any time. If someone wants to beat me to the punch, go for it.
*******
I KNOW THAT I CANNOT BE THE ONLY PERSON LIVING THIS HELL.
I KNOW THAT MAN SITTING IN THE COURTROOM WITH ME BEAT WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE BY HIS EX'S NEW HUSBAND CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE LIVING HIS HELL.
I'm going to fight to stop it.
Psych hold?
Threats?
Bring it.
I'm evil. I don't let people steamroll all over me for long.
Manipulative people call that evil.
I'm evil.
****
My sister said that the judges asked her to write the book. They know her very well.
She helps women escape sex work. Apparently my sister has made a name for herself.
I wonder if they've realized I'm her sister.
We're both redheads.
She's had so much cosmetic surgery, we look nothing alike. She's pretty. I'm....well....I'm me.
I wonder if they know I was the fiery kid trying to save kids from sexual abuse in foster care.
Back then, I had the same last name as my sister.
I briefly debated changing my name back.
I decided not to do that.
A asshole by any other name is still an asshole.
I'm still an asshole. They just know me by a different name then when I was seventeen and bitchy.
Different name....same intensity.
Feel the power of a woman scorned.....
How will you know when you meet me? I'll be a little to happy to see you.
When you irritate me, I'll slap the table with my thumb in perfect rhythm.
Be mindful....dear one, when I kick my legs up in the air, I'm going in for the kill.
Today, I'm putting out feelers for people who will join me in this endeavor. I need someone who likes the spotlight.
It'll happen. I've fought the system since I was seventeen.
Today I am thankful that I discovered that I have a problem (or two) and I have decided to resolve them.
Actually, in my world it is termed as the "Spell of Aphrodite."
Women who are under the Spell of Aphrodite buy clothes.....lots and lots of clothes.....
and shoes.....
and jewelry....
and hair thingies.....
and make-up.
I've met some men that do the same thing. I don't know if there is a name for that. Perhaps they are under the spell of Aphrodite and Eros.
No matter.....
Every Sunday I run out and buy an outfit.....sometimes three. I usually buy dresses and shoes.
I never wear them.
I tell myself I will wear them when I get my life back....
when Michael moves out.
I typically wear dark suites or jeans now.
I've done this every weekend the separation was final. That is one pair of shoes and at least one dress every week since September 2013.
Luckily, I've learned weird habits since then due to money issues. I buy winter clothes in summer and summer clothes in the winter. Yes, I wear last years clothes -but- I am in the middle of the country. We are two to three years behind New York when it comes to style.
For instance, last night, I bought a spring suit for $3.00 and a brand new pair of lace high heel shoes for $.99. I bought it from a charity shop and gave them a ten dollar bill. They put the rest in their charity fund.
I guess there are advantages to living in the cheapest house in the rich part of town. People give nice things to charity and I get to buy them.
I delude myself into thinking I'll wear it twice and give it back.
No one will want them when I get around to wearing them, will they? It'll be vintage by then!!
I've decided to cut the shopping trips down to twice a month.
Maybe I'll have a clothing giveaway party for people ranging size 8 (me before the stalking) to size 12 (me during the stalking).
I don't know.
******
Now you might think that the Spell of Aphrodite is a worthless explanation for clothes shopping addiction.
I know why I shop. I want to look pretty. Actually....I want to feel pretty.
That's not the only issue.
One must remember that before the Greeks, Aphrodite was Ishtar and Inanna.
She was the Goddess of both love and war. She was loving and generous to good souls and downright mean at abusive assholes.
Fighting for those who need it is downright hot! That's when I feel my power.
That's when I feel beautiful.
So.....
I need to get back in touch with the part of myself that protects those among us with the least. That's my only talent - fighting. Oh, the socially acceptable word for that is Advocacy.
But .....Hermes is the God of Advocacy. Maybe I'll connect with that aspect of myself.
That's what I'll work on today.....my communication skills.
Yeah.....I just realized that I probably spent too much time in graduate school studying Jung. I literally worship part of his theories, don't I?
Yes....the Greek Gods are archetypes.
I'm under the spell of Aphrodite.
******
I need to do more with the gifts I've been given.
I'm trying to figure out how to go out in public and make friends without fear of the stalker attacking them.
I guess I talk to people everywhere I go now. I met someone recruiting for jail jobs at a consignment shop.
********
Oh, crap....my encryption software is malfunctioning....Sigh.....let me reboot.
*******
I was saying that I met someone recruiting for law enforcement jobs at a consignment shop. Then I met someone looking for a job in criminal justice.
I meet people all the time and get into long conversations with them. It all seems to be information that someone I meet later needs.
We are all connected. We are not meant to live in isolation.
As much as I try, I cannot.
So....I have to find a way to reclaim my social media accounts and get in touch with people again.
I hate guns.
Maybe I need to get over that and carry it more.
********
As much as I try to hide, I can't. I don't even go to the same supermarket every week now. I rotate between them. Months will pass before I visit the same store twice.
I discovered who the man was that offered me roses in the parking lot last month.
He is the manager of the produce department in the local supermarket. Whenever I see him....
He says "hello again."
I don't even know his name.
I'm realizing that scurrying away like a mouse is pretty unattractive and rude.
I grew up in a small suburb on the outskirts of Denver.
Back in the day, this town was mostly farmland. My neighbor to the east raised chickens. There was a stable in my backyard. A rancher lived to the west of us.
A local boy told me not to pee on the rancher's electric fence.
I'm female....until he warned me, I never thought about it.
I lived about a few miles from the original Jolly Rancher factory.
One of my first jobs involved saddle making. I was a cowgirl. I knew the rancher and his wife who told me stories about the cinnamon sticks she made.
I also learned what a jolly rancher was....
oh my.....
Growing up, it never dawned on me that the structure in the backyard was designed for horses. For me, it was a place to practice my woodwinds away from the ears of other people.
*****
My very first hypnosis practice was in this small town. I rented an office in the pharmacy/card shop that my first love and I used to frequent - the place he bought me stuffed animals - and blushed - and flirted.......
It was memory filled. I jumped at the chance to rent the tiny office where the old pharmacist used to work.
I loved it. I had so many memories of Tom. They were all pleasant.
I remember drinking hot chocolate with him huddled in the doorway back in '86. In the winter, I'd smile when I locked up.
It was nice.
Then my ex-husband's family started stalking me. It started with things going missing out of my office. Then I'd walk outside and find pictures of myself strewn in the courtyard. Then I'd be watched by two very obese people. The male grabbed at me on the street.
This wasn't a big deal until he barged into the billing clerk's office and went through her things demanding to know where I went to church.
She was rattled.
I was rattled.
I closed my practice and ran for office hoping that by the time my political adventure was over, the stalking would be a thing of the past.
It got worse.
I stopped visiting friends and family. I went into hiding. Then the stalking started to pick up at the house.
I wasn't safe anywhere.
So, I started a new practice in an ultra cheap office in the business district close to my home. This enables me to do a lot of pro se hypnosis.
I offer Groupons - which is an adventure in and of itself. Some Groupon people ask for the craziest things. I'll leave it at that for now.
Right now, my practice advertising is word of mouth. I used to command $150 an hour. Now, I typically charge $35 because the people who are referred to me tend to be people who have lost all hope and are ill. These are the people who have lost a lot, their jobs or their health.
It's all good. This is temporary. I can live like this for now.
I have to hide.
There was a time when I got cocky and bought a domain in my name. I use an expensive web host so it hasn't been hacked yet. My business Google account was hacked last week.
This is getting old. It really is.
Some judge let this drag on a little bit more.....so I continue to work 70 hours a week. I teach sales skills 40 hours per week and do hypnosis as much as I can.
Typically I hypnotize the sales staff......but that's a secret.
I'm looking for a new job some type of social justice warrior gig....maybe in a non-profit somewhere.
I think the gig found me.
*******************
The past four hypnosis clients have been from my home town.
This means that they drive an hour each way to get to my office.
An hour.
One of them asked me to go back to visit the little church across the street from my former office. She told me that I'd be angry when I got there.
So.....I went.
I wasn't angry so much as I was broken hearted.
About a block away from my former office sits a little Christian church called The Rising.
I remember seeing their wifi signal when I booted up my computer back in the day.
There were homeless people on the lawn.
There were police hanging about.
It was strange.
I need to go back with socks, gift cards and bottled water.
I asked my ex if I could clean the clothes he outgrew and give them to the church.
He said I could. I think I should wait until after he leaves.
*********************
I've been there twice this week.
I don't know what to think or what to do.
I originally went to say a prayer for a birthday boy. I know it's stupid. I have a spot where I go to pray. I can't wish anyone a happy birthday in real life.....with my retinue of hackers and nut jobs.....so I just break twigs and pray.
It's stupid.
It was cold. I wore a wool cape that looks like it belongs to a Druid.
I sat in the cold scheming......wondering.....what in the world can a hot headed brat do?
I know.....
I know.....
I know why homelessness is a problem in Colorado.
It's not pot.
We have too many laws. We have too many housing ordinances which increase costs and make it hard for people to survive.
I remember talking to a politician from Texas who bragged about a near zero homeless rate. I remember researching his county's housing codes before a tax hike caught my attention.
I think I have work to do.
**********
There is something else. It may seem silly. I doubt I will have time to do this. I work two jobs. As much as I'd like to think I'm a really talented musician, I'm more talented at politics....and swaying opinion.
I think that is the gift the Gods gave me.
I've met many homeless people. It takes a long time to gain their trust. They've been hurt so much that they become reclusive and untrusting. If you were to offer them a home, they'd turn it down...not because they want to be homeless. They turn it down because they are realists - what's the catch?
The worst part about being homeless is the invisibility of it all. Most homeless people aren't those you see with the street signs. They are hidden in the sewers, under bridges and in parks. They hide.
You can always tell a homeless person by his or her teeth. When they lose their jobs and the ability to maintain themselves, the teeth always give them away.
That jackass on the street corner with the million dollar smile is not homeless.
The guy cowering under blankets in the alley probably is.
They feel invisible.
They forget who they are.
They don't think they count.
They have stories.....beautiful and sad stories.
Wouldn't it be awesome if some really talented musician could get to know a few homeless people.... write songs about them and give them the royalties? You could always split the royalties with a charity.
Hell, I'd buy the album if it were artistic enough.
I can interview people. I can get people to spill their guts. I can argue with politicians and I can sway public opinion.
I don't have the mental energy to write moving music and lyrics.
I know someone can.
If this resonates with you, steal the idea.
I'll share it with the musicians and homeless activists I know.
Maybe it'll take on a life of its own.
*******
I wish my dear friend a happy birthday. There is a candle lit for him in a little room somewhere.
The witches say if you dance in circles with elder flower or some herb I bought a pound of at the Pagan Apothecary, it'll give someone a wish if you say his or her name while dancing. I don't remember the name of the herb because I already did the ritual and threw away the package.
I'll dig it out of the trash and type the name below.
Anyway - I don't know if anyone's wish will come true. I do know that I'm dizzy and wore out. At least I'll sleep well tonight.
If it's your birthday, I pray your biggest wish will come true.
I'm off to go to sleep so I can go back to the office tomorrow - another ten hour workday. I think I'm insane.
I don't know what the heck I'm working for. I think I'm just killing time.
Love ya lots,
S.
.
Post script - this is weird -but- I think I solved my fashion dilemma. I was told a local shop was going to have a sale on men's thermal socks.....so....I went off to find socks and wound up finding a little consignment store that sold wrap dresses for $6 each.
I stopped at three. I'm very proud of myself. I also bought a vintage suit jacket and a sweater.
I found my fashion style. 'Eff it... I'm going to be me.
The store didn't have decent men's socks. I want something that won't pill. Whenever you buy clothing that is a mix of natural fibers (e.g. cotton) and man-made fibers (e.g. polyester)...it will pill.
The socks have to be 100% of whatever the heck they are. They've got to be soft and cushy. I need to buy a box of men's socks. Soldiers and homeless men always ask for clean socks....always.
I'll probably wind up ordering something on Amazon.
Holy crap, Batman! Will the idiocy of government officials ever cease?
Now, I have a school nurse trying to get me to argue with my ex.
I won't.
It does no good.
Apparently, my ex promised to take one of the kiddos down for a tetanus shot.
I'm a tad bit clumsy.
I can appreciate a good tetanus shot.
My ex was supposed to carry health insurance on the kids. He can't. He claims that he hasn't worked in over a year (don't know whose business trips I was funding a few months ago....but whatever....)
He has to rely on vaccination clinics to get it done.
I'm conservative. I have to rely on charity.
There was a clinic on November 13th. My ex promised the school nurse that he'd take the kiddo to the clinic to get the shot.
That was before one of our daughter's teachers announced an event that day the coincided with the clinic. Since a grade was at stake, he opted to take the kiddo to school.
That's a parenting decision made on his parenting time.
I'm not going to make a fuss about it.
Today.....uhg....today.....
I got a nasty message from a school nursing urging me to take action ....because all women are liberals who believe in big pharma and government mandates.
I'm allergic to egg and numerous other things used in shots. I'm not really a big fan unless I know who is giving the shots and can trust they've been shaken. The last time my ex lost his job and the kids had to rely on charity to get vaccinations I waited until I could pay a doctor I knew to administer them.
A few years ago, there was a story about a bunch of kids getting sick because a nurse didn't shake up the vials before giving out shots. I know these stories get scrubbed from the internet. It's just one of those things that I'm going to have to trust my gut on.
It's best to take kids to doctors you know and trust.
So....
I'm not going to argue with my ex. I'm not going to force him to take her to another shot clinic. I don't want to give him more attention than he already has. If I argue with him, I'll just give credence to the idea that we need to talk. He may use it as an excuse to continue to live her and continue to mooch off of me.
He usually does.
I'm not going to take time off work to do it because I'll get fired. I've got 50 hours of vacation pay I'll lose due to my fear of losing my job.
I don't have coverage now. My group options begin January 1.
I left a message for the nurse telling her that I have a personal belief system against governmental mandates. She could either choose to deal with my ex-husband and wait until the next shot clinic -or- call me to request a personal belief exemption.
We'll see what she says.
There are threats. Threats to kick the kiddo out of school and threats to put me in jail.
Geesh!
I don't understand harassing people like this. There are options (waiver forms). There are also harsh realities that people face in real time. There are time constraints. There are financial constraints.
They just had their bond issue pass. They may want to be thankful for busy activists.
Not getting attention from someone like me is probably a positive thing.
********
I can't hide forever.
I'm getting to the point now of abusing my vocal training while talking to government officials and politicians. I have a scary stage whisper. I can't sing worth a darn but I can sure project my voice across a room.
I guess it's time for me to get back in the game. I'm thinking about a makeover. I may bleach my hair blond (hate the idea) and start stuffing my bras.
Maybe if I can change my name and my appearance the bullshit will stop.
A b!tch by any other name is still a b!tch.
I'm thinking about a Stevie Nicks look.
I've been told I act like Brenda Lee in the old series "The Closer" when I'm doing my NLP mentalist thing with politicians....
Maybe I should dress like her.
I'm getting to like River Song from Dr. Who. I could pull that off. I have an auburn version her hair.
Since the stalking became bad, I typically dress like Johnny Cash in heels. Everything is black. My tops are usually lace or silk. I wear a black riding jacket and a beat up pink hat.
My favorite things in the world are wrap dresses and tops with tailored jackets in thigh high stockings and high heels. I stopped wearing those in 2012 after someone unwrapped me and made a mess on my leg.
I have a closet full of wrap dresses just waiting to be worn and no one I trust to unwrap them.
Maybe changing my appearance is an option. I'll look into it. I know just the consultant. She could help me change my look.
It's a shame I can't afford plastic surgery. I could really look a heck of a lot different.
Alas....if I could afford that, a teenager would have her shots.
Maybe we need to school government officials on the meaning of freedom.
Today I am thankful that I see the situation for what it is.
A friend asked me to a gem and mineral show. He's the security guard who used to walk me to my car after work. I no longer see him because I was promoted and moved to a new location.
He makes jewelry. I try to make jewelry. I make crappy jewelry and give the pieces to talented people who tear them apart and reuse the materials to make better jewelry.
Then I buy the better jewelry.
A couple of weeks ago, I found out a cute single co-worker his age makes jewelry and I suggested that she get to know him better.
That's probably why he tracked me down on the internet and called me.
Here's the deal....
My ex-husband's family stalks me when I'm out in public with men.
I do a lot of things that guys do. They are 50% of the population, you know.
It doesn't matter who I'm with....
I get stalked when I'm arguing with male politicians.
I've been stalked having coffee with gay guys trying to come out of the closet.
I was stalked talking to someone asking my advice about alcohol treatment facilities.
One guy was a mason trying to get support for a fundraiser for sick kids....I think my ex was sitting behind me during that meeting.
I can't date.
Three years divorced and I have no choice but to be alone.
I haven't kissed a guy in over ten years. I tried three years ago but the guy started to choke me.
No kisses......
There are hugs. There are explanations as to my unavailability.
My ex-husband isn't going away.
I have wondered if he thinks we are divorced. I've asked that he consider couples counseling thinking that a shrink would be able to get him to come up with an action plan for moving on.
He won't do it because, he says, we are through.
Then he'll want money and tell me what groceries I need to buy.
I think I'm his surrogate mother.
I don't like it.
I can't have friends....let alone date.
There is an idiotic judge in Arapahoe County Colorado who doesn't understand domestic violence. I don't know if I need to go to the Supreme Court, the Bar Association or Clear The Bench. I'd give money to Clear the Bench but I've had to take a really low-paying job to hide from my stalker.
Judges - you NEVER force an ex-wife to live with an ex let alone support him in her own home. Don't do it three years after the divorce. If the word stalking crosses her lips, nix the idea.
I asked for ten days. I said the word stalking. The judge gave him 60 days.
My ex didn't turn over the entire financial settlement in 2013- read financial abuse. He promised to turn it over once I ceased dating. When I broke off the relationship with the guy I was seeing, I received 50% of the settlement one month later. This was a year after I was supposed to receive it.
I'm not allowed to date.
Irreconcilable differences mean just that. If that judge even bothered to look into the file, I've asked Arapahoe County for mediation several times and was told that my relationship was abusive and not a good fit for mediation.
I was told I needed a lawyer. Guess how long it took me to save up money for that?
When I did, the courts made me wait another six months for a court date only to tell me that I have to wait this out for the end of the year!!
*******
I know Michael is my stalker.
He acts like a stalker. He's everywhere I am. I don't think he has any intention of letting go of the relationship.
He's tearing up the house so I can't sell it and leave. There are mice**! The nest is in his room.
There is mold on the wall of his bedroom in the basement apartment!!! I know this because he's asked me to wash blankets that were near this wall. I'm going to have to throw them away.
Why can't I evict him?
Why do I have to spend $325 on food each week? Or pay for his auto insurance and give him money for gas so he can go to his therapist appointment with an effin' therapist who doesn't really understand abuse either?
This guy does rage. The rage attacks are now few and far between.
He lets his family do the dirty work.
That therapist ought to know what is going on by now. Come on!
All he's doing is making my ex-husband think he's a victim.
That's messed up!
That's a DORA complaint waiting to happen. If I die, I guarantee there will be a lawsuit. Since the shrink works for the City of Aurora, their City Attorney will get sucked into it, too.
The new City Attorney looks like my brother-in-law. He's a snarky little thing, too. I probably don't like him because he looks like Billy and he supported the lying Ass't City Attorneys who pissed me off to the point of wanting to cap the city's funding.
Winning was fun. I need to do that again!
I've decided not to carry anywhere NEAR city property. I could mistake him for one of my stalkers.
Maybe I just need to save up for new glasses so I can find some nuance to tell them apart so the poor lawyer doesn't wind up smelling like a pepper steak.
I carry pepper spray everywhere I go.
**********
I didn't understand what was going on until this morning. I woke up early and started cleaning my room. I found a package.
The day I started to date a friend three years ago, my ex-husband gave me a vibrator.
Michael handed me the package. I thought it was a joke.
Now I know he was trying to take control of my sexuality.
That's probably the real reason he refuses to leave my home.
I have to find a way to explain to my friend that I don't date......
that I'm asexual.....
and I will be that way until I get can away.
In the meantime, I'm going to scheme.
********
I have to find a way to get an Aurora therapist re-educated before he gets me killed. My ex is on Medicaid and Medicaid has strict guidelines for therapists, maybe they'll take a complaint. Apparently, this therapist told my ex that it's okay he stays in my house because the only thing it is costing me is government help (e.g. Medicaid) and people with employment can't get Medicaid if they have group health insurance available to them.
Um.....I'm a master's level therapist who had to take a job as a health insurance agent in order to hide from my stalker. I hold licenses in many places. This therapist is wrong and who knows how many people lost benefits they needed due to this misinformation. People can have group insurance, VA Benefits, TRICARE, Medicare and Medicaid! The only truism is that Medicaid is the last payer!
I'd like to meet this guy. I could tell him where such individuals should file a complaint. Individuals wrongly thrown off of Medicaid need to file a complaint with the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. It's a violation of Federal Law.
You know if the government is going to force people to buy health insurance, its going to force us to pay for it.
I'm thinking that if the stalking ends, I'd like to hold workshops to teach social workers, homeless outreach workers and therapists how health insurance actually works.
I know my ex lies to the therapist. I know my ex lies about the therapist. Some things my ex says are so therapy oriented, I KNOW it had to come from the shrink. This guy bills himself as a men's issue therapist. I guess I could go on the DORA website to see if he is DV certified. I took all the drug and alcohol/DV classes I could before I ran for office....and, yes, even back then I found my ex outside the building sitting in the van waiting for me (without my knowledge). My five year certification period ran out when I was playing anti-tax activist. I'd like to see if he's practicing within the scope of his training. If not, I'll file a complaint.
There is an Arapahoe County family court judge who needs to be re-educated, too.
I'm stuck until my ex and his family decide to leave me alone.
All this isolation is doing is giving me time to scheme. I have friends who have wanted to shut down Aurora Mental Health for a long time. I may just have a story that can help them.
I'm too stressed to be terrified.
I once had an attorney hired by the city tell me they found this blog. One of the lawyer's names was Shrek....so apt. If so, remember what happened the last time city lawyers upset me to the point nothing scared me?
Nothing scares me now.
Not even the guy in the tan pants, blue vinyl jacket and the blue beanie and stood outside my house for nearly three hours last night. I drove off and went shopping. When I came back he was still by himself on the sidewalk outside of my house. I drove around the block again and he was gone.
I debated calling the cops but they really don't have a good track record of taking reports. I was tired. My ex wasn't dressed.
It may have been nothing.
I didn't call. I let it go.
If there is a robbery in my neighborhood - you have three witnesses who could describe the guy and the hat. It had a weird design. He had a friend who stood on the other side of the street when I drove off dressed exactly as he was dressed. I first saw them around 4:20 p.m. They left a little after 7:15p.m.
I don't know if the assholes who stand around for hours on end are there to watch me for Michael or casing the neighborhood. If it's for me, it's no big deal. They've been cursed by virtue of being on my property (if you believe in such voodoo hotfoot powder nonsense....some people do).
If not.....I'm sorry I gave up on trusting the cops to listen.
I was waiting for Michael to move before installing the security cameras and putting in the brass high security deadbolts. I don't want him to know how these things are installed. I may not be able to wait. I could have easily had footage for the police.
I only have one camera installed now. I'm not even sure it's working.
Solicitors don't hang around that long. There were no trucks with business branding on the block.
Someday I'll laugh about this. I'll laugh at the new age energy people who say don't think of your stalker and he'll go away. Doesn't work.....Send him love and he'll go away.....Doesn't work.
Crazy self-entitled people do whatever the hell they want to do; it doesn't matter if they are politicians, lawyers or jealous ex-husbands who don't understand divorce.
I'm getting to the point of feeling entitled to my freedom (financial and otherwise). That's when I'll get super crazy.
Watch out!
Love ya,
S.
* About the mice - it's never really been a problem before. I have bass player buddies who swear that mice hate the sound. That could be why there is an infestation now. I don't have time to play.
I may have to buy a cheap bass and amp just to be free of the mouse traps.
Today I am thankful that I bought a case of black candles.
So....
I was hacked again at 10:23 a.m. Last month, my Skype account was hacked. Today, it was my business Google account.
Sigh.....
So many sick puppies.....so few black candles.
My ex-husband is still hanging out in the house and asking for money. I could curse that stupid county judge who gave him 60 more days in my home.....
I need more candles and peppery hotfoot powder.
Last Friday, I went to my office to meet with a client and the door was unlocked.
I didn't call the cops. I probably should have given them another opportunity to refuse to take a police report.
I don't know what to do.....
The IP address this time is different. It may not be the same ol' hacker.
My ex-husband said it couldn't be him because I banished him from my internet.
I don't know. You can do some creepy crap with pubic wifi.
I'm trying very hard to be good.
*******
About the election......everyone sucked. I voted for people I know and people I know didn't want me to vote for them.
I was one of 289 people who voted the Atwood ticket.
Trump.....he says flowery things to my little l libertarian ears......
he'll dismantle government.....cut taxes.....defund groups that only fund their little focus groups -not help the people they swear to help....
sounds good.....
it won't happen.....
At least it sounds pretty.
*******
I like open borders. I'm a cowgirl from Colorado. Minorities built this area. Black people fleeing slavery flocked to Colorado and became ranchers. Mexicans built the communities and the roads.
I have a tough time with Nazi trump. I wonder if he's really sat down and thought about closing down the borders...and the ramifications of such an act......
where is he going to get his help?
where is he going to get his next wife?
This guy just talks a big game.
Thankfully there is too much gridlock for him to get it done.
Me? I'm not sure which threat to make good on first.
While I mull it over, I'll just continue to curse.
It seems like the Aurora PD and that Arapahoe County DA never really helped stalking victims, too much.
The weird thing is that I was a volunteer victim's advocate for the DA the next year. I remember helping ONE stalking victim...just one.
We spent more of our time trying to find the families of undocumented immigrants who died in traffic crashes. They didn't have real IDs on them, so we had a hard time finding out who they were.
As mad as Paul Tauer may have been that Aurora PD doesn't stop stalkers, he didn't face the truth.
They don't do anything about stalking
Ed Tauer, as much as I respected the elder, didn't do anything either.
I think I gave the younger Tauer nightmares. He circled me like a shark during interviews.
Yeah....never tell a redhead that she doesn't have a voice. She'll try to sit in your chair. I used to make him spin in his chair. A couple of Republicans want to learn that NLP party trick.
I'm tempted to share......but......some things are mine.
Speaking of sharing.....there are times I think I should share the emails from some former City Council members and Aurora employees citing the crap Ed Tauer said about me. I think they are on a hard drive in a safe deposit box somewhere. I must have had five computers hacked since 2011. I keep them in case they'll help someone else.
The emails also show other people acting like dicks. I prefer not to embarrass them further.
Still....
If I die, my family is going to sue and that chair spinning party trick is going to the grave with me. I do have connections that could figure it out and teach it to the activists who want it.
They're not cheap. It'll cost thousands of dollars.
I might just give it up just to mess with someone who tried to mess with me.
That's okay.
Unlike the former Mayor Paul Tauer, when I get mad, I take action.
I don't sit and complain.
Things will change.
If I live, I'll be the biggest baddest bitch of the west.
If I die, I'll be the biggest baddest wraith of the west. When witches die, they become the protectors of women.....
Deceased witches become wraiths.
Shall we begin?
The link above shares a little history about Aurora from my favorite Colorado newspaper.
I've been in this paper at least twice. The first time, I was in a story about saddle makers. The second (or third time), it was due to politics.
I have a crush on their ad man. It's just a crush. It won't go anywhere but charisma makes a good salesman. When I'm not afraid to be tracked down by stalking asshats, I'll buy advertising in the paper.
If the Aurora PD and Arapahoe County DA would help, Westword could make more money off me.
Alas....not right now.
Maybe this had to happen to me so I could see how corrupt the system truly is.
Crap is flung for a reason and I'd best find a way to turn it into awesome fertilizer so it can give life to something decent.
Whatever.....you got to expend angry energy. I expend it by keeping the political hoodlums from robbin' the hood in the first place. The stalking has probably been a blessing to the local politicians because it keeps me from fighting. That's probably the reason they don't take police reports from me.
Maybe....according to Westword, this has always been a problem. Aurora cops don't deal with stalking just like they arrested rape victims. Maybe they just need educated.
I don't know. The judges need educated.
Sadly, I'm probably going to have to go to war with the judiciary.
I can't afford to live with my stalker!!! What the hell is the family judge thinking letting my stalkerish ex-husband mooch off me for another sixty days?
The judge is not thinking.....he's going to piss me off to the point of running for the House.
I love talking to people. I don't mind being on stage. I'd rather be holding down the beat of the band....but if I can help more people feel good by putting the bass down and bitching....
that's what I'll do.
I'm so out of practice, I probably sound better bitching anyway.
I can promise to save you a ton of money if I win.
I was a housewife for many years. I like to budget, cut costs and clean up messes.
I like guns. I guess that makes me conservative. Sadly, I'm more conservative than most Republicans I know.
Bitchin'.....well, I've made that into a poetic act. I'll get crap done.
I am a hypnotist after all.
*********
The story mentions someone I'm going to have to meet. He's a private investigator who sounds almost as obnoxious as I am.
Maybe he could have made better use of $6,000 I wasted on the lawyers.
Enjoy the article and buy advertising in Westword,
I've been divorced for nearly three years. My ex-husband was supposed to move out over three years ago.
Every day he's been in my house, I've asked him to move out.
There were several times when he hasn't been here because he'd been traveling out of state. Those days never bothered me, except when his relatives would harass me and stalk the residence doing crazy crap (e.g. burning paper in the front yard and turning on the garden hose to put out the fire).
He had 60 days notice before I asked for the court date. He had another 60 days notice of this court date.
Then, the judge gave him another 60 days in my home. The judge never asked about domestic violence.
He asked how I felt about my ex staying here. I said I was uncomfortable. My lawyer said that it would be nice to give him 10 days to find somewhere else to live. The lawyer asked that my ex be out in 10 days.
The judge gave him 60 days......60. Doesn't the court system want women away from their abusers? Don't they blame victims for staying?
What happens when she tries to leave? Some stupid judge forces her to put up with the abuse.
I'll be lucky if he's out of here before 2017.
I'm a little shocked at this. There is evidence of financial abuse - my ex took more than a year to turn over the funds I was given in the settlement. He only turned over a portion of those funds.
He didn't want me to have the money because he didn't like the guy I was seeing. He also used that as an excuse to stay in my house.
I don't think it mattered who I was seeing, I don't think he wanted me to date.
He just wants control.
When I stopped dating, things became a little less crazy. His family didn't bother me as much - they still harassed me when I was leaving the house to see clients and go to job interviews. They just couldn't watch me sip coffee with men anymore.
I don't date.
I don't meet male colleagues for coffee, to work on community projects or scheme politically anymore, either.
I keep to myself to the detriment of my career because I am afraid.
The judge didn't think about these things.
I'm wondering if Arapahoe County judges get domestic violence training.
Maybe they don't?
What the hell are we paying for? Where does the VAWA money go?
Am I supposed to press the issue?
I'm probably the worst litigant this judge is ever going to meet.
I won't forget. If I survive this mess, I'll push the issue.
I find myself debating going to the press now because I'm not sure I'll survive.
*******
There is a problem that witches face.
That is, how does one use his or her personal power?
When does one triangulate supernatural powers into his or her disputes?
At what point does one cast a spell?
When shall I grab the graveyard dirt?
When is it warranted to move beyond this realm to solve petty day to day problems?
I know this is stupid -but- how many women die because of idiotic judges who fall for the pity party ploys of manipulative abusers?
Does this warrant a spell?
If so, what kind? Black? White? Gray?
Gray is the most powerful.
Maybe this is something that warrants a curse.
I haven't cast a curse since 2008, I cursed a city. They stole money from many people and lied about it. Their lawyer called me and said nasty shit. They'll never win a tax hike until they fess up to what they did and stop stealing from their employees.
I cast a lot of protection spells. I cast a spell to protect the cops. I think that helped in 2012.
I don't know. It's hard to say. When it comes to protective measures, it's hard to say what has been prevented. If you do it right, you'll never know.
You can't measure what doesn't happen.
Maybe a judicial system needs a curse. Maybe the judge should be wracked with guilt until he gets into a domestic violence training program? Maybe all of the judges need that curse?
I don't know.
Maybe I should cast a fame spell or a spell to make me a better politician so I can be a more effective bitch...advocate?
Better yet, I should stop acting as though my stalkers' gossip is true.
It's devilishly fun to pretend, is it not?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm not messing around.
Assholes and stupid people attract bad luck. It can be hard to tell if it's a curse or a life lesson.
That works in my favor.
*******
I think my subconscious mind is sad.
My eyes tear up constantly.
When I eat, I get tired and want to throw up.
I feel sick over everything.
Why should I be forced to live with and support an ex-husband who has made my life a living hell?
Why would a judge give the keys to my castle to a man who has his family stalk me?
Why can't I change my locks?
Why don't I deserve to be safe?
Why can't I decide who I want to associate with?
Why don't our children deserve to be safe?
Why do I have to subsidize our misery?
This guy harassed me when I tried to work during the marriage. Why do I have to work two jobs to support him now?
Why am I court ordered to support my abuser? We were supposed to litigate him paying alimony to me....not me taking care of him in my house.
I thought he was lucky I didn't press the alimony issue. Maybe I needed to do that. Maybe the threat of alimony would have kept him away from me.
I don't know.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I'm crying all the time.
Crying is my first step to anger.
Aurora made me cry in 2008.
Then I got mad.
Things certainly got a little bit interesting.
I had a hell of a lot of fun kicking cameras and saving taxpayers some money.
Arapahoe County may want to be a tad bit wiser than an idiotic former city manager and mayor.
If I'm already in emotional pain, I won't feel physical pain.
If you've made me cry; there is little you can do that will hurt me further.
If you want to take me for a ride, be prepared for me to ride bareback on you.
I'm a cowgirl at heart.
Women in heels don't need spurs.
Crying is the first symptom of my waging a war.
Right now, I'm scheming.
There has got to be a way to prevent this crap from happening to someone else.
