Questions That I Can Never Answer

Today I am thankful that there are online questions that I can never answer due to my political activities.  

Today I was asked to name my favorite bedtime snack.  

That would be warm milk.

I tell everyone that I'm vegan because I don't get to eat animal by-products any more.

Sigh...

I hate politics.

Anything I say can and will be used against me.

Politicians are the most dirty minded souls on the planet.  Everything is dirty to them.  They run around pretending to be pious only to spend taxpayer dough on sex clubs.

I've learned that it is simply best to be quiet.

Love ya,

S.

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.  

I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call 

but 

 wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again. 

I probably should document this somewhere. 

My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.  

I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.  

She wanted me to plan interventions.  

This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).  

I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004. 

We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went missing.  Part of me wonders if that is how Shannon had something that fit into our locks.  She could have bought a $3.00 bump key, too.   

Mike told his cousin everything.  He told her when I worked.  He told her when Tom called me.  He told her when I went out with male colleagues.  They spoke on a daily basis.  

I was never comfortable with that.  

Then the stalking became worse.  Last month, he stopped talking to her.  

She's been calling me.  On Thursday of last week, she called asking if I'd meet her at a Catholic cemetery.  I said 'no'.  Last time I met her at a Catholic church overlooking that cemetary, her uncle made a threatening gesture towards me.  

I don't even know what I did.  I went to college.  I refused to badmouth this cousin and my brother-in-law.  I know that pissed people in the family off.  

I don't know why they are angry.  

The last thing I'm going to do is meet with her in public again.  She's NOT the stalker.  My brother-in-law said that Shannon and his mother use this cousin as a go-between.  They use her to gather information about me and the children.  

This friend hasn't spoken to me since 2010 after the Catholic church incident.  

She called me last Thursday.  I told her that I had to cease talking to her and other relatives until the police can help me sort out the stalking business.  We both know the stalker, so this is for her safety and mine.  I reminded her that I loved her but I needed to avoid talking to her at this point in time.

This was the second time we had the conversation.  The first time it was via Facebook.  I can't friend her over the stalking.  

She called my cell phone yesterday as I returned home from the lawyer.  I gave her the same speech for the third time.  

I thought I should document this.  

I still think my ex was keeping tabs on me and using his family to do this.  The only way he agreed to divorce me is if I let him stay in the house with me and if I refuse to date other men throughout the divorce. 

I'll let him have his control.  The man I was interested in left.  I'm really not interested in looking at anyone else.  

Why not let him win the one tiny battle?

I'm going to win the war. 

In the past there were threats about his parents suing for grandparent visitation.  My mother-in-law would easily lose due to the stalking and the abusive phone messages she's left for me over the years.  

My ex says that they are stalking me to run me out of the marriage and house.  My mother-in-law can only sue for visitation during a pending separation and only if custody is in dispute.  My ex doesn't want any responsibility for the kids, so that will NOT be a dispute.  That will be my domain.  

I'm wondering...are they following me to try to get me to tell them when the separation is occurring so they can make that to my ex threat again?  Could this be about not being allowed to see the grandkids? 

That woman allowed her daughter to abuse them!  

Her son was abused by his mother.

She beat my ex when he was a little boy. At two years old, he suffered from a head injury and had to have treatment this head injury for many years.  He was finally cleared of the injury in 2003 at the age of 35.  

If my ex says 'no' to allowing his mother and sister to see his kids, I'm going to honor that.  He is going to have to be present for any visitation with is mother.  In my state, grandparents rights are derived from their son or daughter's custodial rights.  There is a reason we activists pushed for that.  We need to keep abusive parents (or narcissistic ones) from using their grandchildren as a means to harass their adult children.  

There is something else I should document, too.  It is about Doug.  He is Shannon's boyfriend.  The woman that he attacked in my office building looks like my mother-in-law.  

My ex says that his family is terrified of Doug.  I pointed out that Doug may either have an issue with his future mother-in-law or older women.  I asked him to check on his mom or have the relatives call the county should something be amiss.  

My ex called the county social service department yesterday to ask for a wellness visit.  The guy that answered the phone would only say that he was well acquainted with the name of my mother-in-law.  

This may go deeper than I thought.  This is too crazy.  If things amped up when Doug came into the fold, could they be pushing to see the kids as a way to either terrorize or get something from my mother-in-law.

I don't know but right before my mother-in-law and her family started lying about me, my mother-in-law confided that her other son and his wife spoke about stealing her property out from under her when her husband died.  I didn't believe her. I had an attorney on retainer and asked my ex to consider taking his mother to see him, so she could put together a will.  That lawyer promised me one free will; I gave it to her.

My ex never even spoke to her about it.  I told my mother-in-law to talk to her son about it because I didn't understand the ins and outs of family accounting.  That was a lie.  I didn't like how she twisted things I said and wanted to steer clear of giving her any food for gossip.

Could I have been a threat?

I don't know.  This is all too darn sordid.

I can't wait to be FREE!!

I'm grasping at straws.  People inherently need to understand why bad things happen to them.  I do.  My mother-in-law acts like a typical woman with narcissistic personality disorder.  The uncle who made the threatening gesture towards me exhibits it.  His sister has a case of malignant narcissistic personality disorder.  My ex was diagnosed with it.  It explains the enmeshment.  It explains the stalking.  It explains how they thought they could dictate my educational status, my career, my hobbies, my role, my appearance, and my relationship with my friends and family.

They even expected me to go on a 2,500 calorie a day diet!  I was a model subsisting on 500 calories a day during my formative years.  At this point in time, anything over 1,200 makes me chunk out!  They actually told me what they expected me to eat.

How controlling is that?

It doesn't explain the "why."  Why did they target me?  Why would they prefer to stalk me rather than simply talk to me?  Why do they leave threatening phone messages?  Why do they hang up when I answer the phone?  Why put the gps box on the car?  Why not simply ask for what they want and negotiate with me?

I'll never understand.  Maybe, I do.  They were told that they'd have to do family therapy with their son before I'd let them see the grand kids.  A psychologist would have to sign off on the visits before I'd veto my ex.  They refused because narcissistic people don't do therapy.

I feel sorry for my brother-in-law.  He was the family scapegoat.  Imagine being the only person in a house of wolves!  That poor man.

Could this be about seeing the children in a bid to control me?  Or in a bid to control my ex?  Or a bid to control our kids?

Or would Doug threaten harming the grandchildren as a means to get something from my mother-in-law?

There is a reason I ask.  

Shortly before I was stalked at work in 2011, there were chronic phone calls to the house filled with demands to see the kids.  My father-in-law started driving by the house around the time that school let out.  He lived an hour away!  

I have no clue what is going on.

My ex could just be trying to mess with my mind and keep me confused.

I'm going to try to wash my hands of it.  

Just in case, a little documentation won't hurt.  

I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better.  

I should document who is calling and ignoring my pleas that they stop.

It should stop soon.  I had a person from the county ask to see my college transcripts and they emailed the name of an employer looking to hire someone with my background.  Things are looking up.

Maybe I can get this signed off in the next month.

My old friend, Tom,  told me that divorce is as simple as getting the other person to sign some papers.  Then he conceded that getting those signatures could be difficult.  Tom always had a way of making complicated things seem simple.  His advice has never failed me.  I don't know why I never take his advice first.  I should know better.

My ex is even doing the paperwork for me.  I'll look it over...but wow...I'm in shock.

I think I've found a way to pay for my ex's gastric bypass surgery but it would require that I be off of the insurance.  I legally separate and I'm off the insurance.

There is the carrot.

I am laughing now.  I remember an exchange in 2000, shortly after I became pregnant with our third child.  I was told to give up custody of the kids and divorce my spouse so that he could move back home with his mother so they could be a family again.

Then they demanded use of my retail sales tax license to buy wholesale diamond jewellery tax free.  I declined.  There was certainly hell to pay for that.  Someone would have had to pay the use tax.  I couldn't afford it at the time.

Narcissists suck!

Love ya,

S.

Edit 2:19 p.m. -

Hi Shannon!!  Hi Doug!!  Hi Patricia!!

Well, this is interesting.

I see one of you have visited the blog.  A few minutes later, I got an interesting telephone call.

Guess what?

When someone endures stalking, they learn neat little tricks.  One of these tricks is to Google the name and address of every silent call that comes in.  Usually, they are 'unknown name' calls and I can't do that.

Someone is getting sloppy.  I can see the telephone numbers now.

Lately, I've gotten quite a few silent calls from numbers that correlate with addresses that are within two blocks of my mother-in-law's home.  Why would that be?

I just got one from Gena G.  on Coronado Parkway.

What to do?

What should I do?

I wonder if Shannon or Doug are renting an apartment at that address.  Google shows it to be an apartment.

Fortunately, there are remedies.

We could turn the phone off for another year and track the incoming numbers.  Do you remember that little stint between 2011 and 2013 where no one would answer the phone?

That's what happened.

I could switch our numbers and go to mobile phones.  You'd never find us.

All the important people know our cell phone numbers.

Let's see....if this is about visitation, there are two things I can do.

I can stay legally married until Patricia dies.  The problem with that is that your son will have to support me.  You don't want that, do you?  This year, the legislature got rid of the law that made infidelity a crime.  It is now inadmissible in court proceedings.  So, he can move on.  I can move on.  An abusive grandmother can't use her meddling to further her agenda.

It won't matter if any of you stalk me to run me off.  My ex and I can simply run into the arms of other people and you still won't be able to sue for grandparent visitation because the legal marriage will be in effect!

It's not like me...but it can be done.

The other option is to get an ex-parte TRO against all of you.  I don't even have to serve you.  I just go to court, tell them I'm terrified of you, play a couple of answering machine messages, and get a temporary restraining order that will expire in a given number of days (typically 120).  I have often talked my ex out of doing that.  Maybe I'll urge him to do this.  It would look five times worse for him to do it.

At that point, Patricia will not be able to petition the court for grandparent visitation for a span of at least two years.  Any restraining order courts, even a TRO.

The no contact letter means that Patricia and her son will have to seek family counselling before a judge will order visitation.  It creates a history of strained relations.   We made sure to offer the counselling option in the letter.  Patricia never took us up on it.  The courts won't take that lightly.

The phone call log and abusive messages will show that Patricia is uncooperative.

I can play.

I'd rather not.

It's hard enough dealing with my ex following me around.  I don't want to deal with his extended family stalking me.  YIKES!

Oh, and Doug said I was Satan.  Other in-laws have claimed me to be a witch.  So, I guess, you believe that I can always send a demon after you?

What's your pleasure?

Blue or red?

A blue one will convert you to Islam and punish you when you sin.

The red ones are the ones that will tempt you and punish you when you sin.

What's your favorite color?

I'll let your imagination do the rest.

Of course, I'm partial to wraiths.  You know, legend has it that when witches die, they become wraiths in the after world in order to protect witches in this dimension.  They like vengeance.  If I'm a witch, I don't plan on coming back as a guardian angel.

Man, I love superstitious people!

Seriously, though, there is a third option to keep them away.  I'll keep that one to myself.

Actually, there are four.

Patricia must really want to never see the grandkids.

My grandmother had a saying; you get more flies with honey than vinegar.

The stalking and phone harassment really is NOT helping anyone establish a relationship.  It is scaring the heck out of me.  The police have been involved since 1998!  You will get caught.

You've changed me.
I had to get a rifle and take shooting classes.

I've met the requirements for a CCW and a friend has offered me a Glock.

I hate guns.

The stalking has changed me.
Leave me alone.
You won't like the new me.

Hmmm.....

You know, the moment my ex files the paperwork, there will be a no contact order in effect.  I don't have to do a damn thing.  Divorce in this state automatically comes with an order not to use third parties to contact or harass the former spouse.  So, this is your warning.  Do not call me.  Do not harass me.  Do not harass me at work and cost me yet another job.   Do not harass anyone I know or you will go to jail and your son will stand to lose a lot in the divorce.  He won't be able to help you in your old age if he's toiling in two jobs to pay me alimony.

If you guys want to say anything to me....get a lawyer.

You superstitious souls may want a good exorcist, too.

Love ya,

S.

Edit: 6/1/13

I've had two days without phone calls.  Thank you!!! 

Maybe you are doing it to see the grandkids.  I have a mediator who offered to help you for free.  He's a good man. 

If you keep this up, I'm going to ask your son to switch the number to a VOIP phone so he can take it with him after we sell the house and split the money.  The number would go wherever he goes. 

If you harass me again, I'll let him turn off the phones. 

Thank you. 

Love,

S.

My Ex's Ego

Today I am thankful for my ex's ego. 

For seven years, I've been his ex.  

In fact, we initially claimed separation thirteen years ago.  His mother gave him an ultimatum; she would disown him unless he divorced me.  She was angry that I didn't quit college.  Day after day, she and her minions would call and tell me that her daughter was the only person with our last name who was allowed to go to college and be successful.  I was told that I was not allowed to "outperform Shannon."  That was quite a tall order being that Shannon didn't work, go to school, and lived in her mother's basement.

Mike would leave the room and they would corner me and get violent with me over the issue.  I never understood why he didn't intervene.  He had to know what they were doing.  I told him but he ignored me.  

I didn't give a crud what they thought.  I wanted to finish college anyway.   My mother-in-law told everyone that I was her natural daughter and that she was paying my tuition because she was such a stellar mom.  She wasn't paying anything.  She may be a stellar mother but she is not mine.  

 When a nosey social worker asked why her daughter and her son were married illegally, the truth came out.  I was her daughter-in-law.  She couldn't take credit for putting her daughter through college any more and things became rather violent. She, her daughter, her husband, her brother, her sister-in-law, and nieces all demanded that I quit. 

I stayed in college.  We stayed married.  When his mother saw us sitting in a church together, she sat behind me whining and complaining that we had not yet divorced.  This was in 2000.  The next year, I was stalked on campus.  I ended up going to a distance learning program to avoid Shannon.  

When my ex went to a family funeral without me in April of '06, he came home and called me his ex.  It's been bizarre since that day.  I've been in pain this entire time.  Every time I would start the divorce process, my ex refused and found some excuse to keep me here.  He would say we were destined to be together no matter what and I would take whatever he dished out.  

Things became abusive.  He'd get angry at his mother and destroy things around the house.  He'd compare me to her.  He'd get abusive towards me.  

I became afraid.  

Shannon scared my professors.  They were all psychologists.  They swore that my ex put his sister up to stalking me. One of these professors lives directly across the street from me.  She tried to use Ericksonian Hypnosis to convince me to file for a divorce.  He scared her.  

I'm the better hypnotist.   She had one class on the subject.  It is my life's passion.  

So....it didn't work.  Divorce was already on my mind but I needed to get all my ducks in a row first.  

It took a while.  

Today, I was gearing up for a battle.  I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  Everything felt so very surreal.  I did quite a few dumb things.  I misplaced the paperwork numerous times.  I put vitamin c acid on my face followed by an oily moisturiser which led me to burn my face quite severely.  My socks didn't match.  I forgot to put styling gel in my hair; my naturally curly red hair poofed out and I literally looked like Bozo the Clown. 

I even broke the door handle at the lawyer's office! 

I should have hired someone who knew me first.  They know how hard the stalking has been on me.  They see my posts about it.  They know how oppressive it is.  They know what to say to challenge me when I start feeling pity for my ex. 

So...that was a lesson.  Hire people you know to do the job.  

Imagine my shock and awe when my ex willingly filled out the paperwork for me.  He wanted to be the petitioner of record.  He wants to file.  He claimed that the divorce was the only way to stop the stalking.  When I'm gone, he can talk to his mother again and they'll leave me alone.  

He said that the purpose of the stalking was to run me out of the marriage.  With me gone, he knows that the stalking will stop. 

How can he be so sure?  

The cops were right.  My professors were right.  The other lawyers were right.  The private detectives were right.  

He's involved.  

I don't understand why he played all of these games.  

I don't.  

Maybe he wanted to make sure my love interest was gone before cooperating with me.  When Steve left, my ex started cooperating.  Steve is a smart cookie.  I wonder if he figured it out.  

Wow....

If I had thought that it would be so simple as to direct my ex to a website and have him print off the forms, we'd have had this over with years ago before they raised the filing fees.  

Wow....

Just wow....

Praise the Goddess.  

After years of trauma, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

All I really want to do is spend a night crying tears of relief.  

I can finally let the fear and pain go.  

I am incredibly lucky, too.  I have never met a stalking victim who understood exactly why someone targeted them.  

My ex was trying to run me off to appease his mother.  

Wow...

There are other things going on, too.  They are unrelated to this issue.  Maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow.  

I've been anti-social for far too long because I've let this pain get to me.  

I can finally let it go.  

I miss my friends.  I miss having parties.  I miss socializing.  I miss my family.  I miss being out in public without looking over my shoulder.   I miss working.  I miss so many things.  

I miss having a dog.  My ex and his family abused dogs.  Maybe I can finally have one now.  

I guess today is my lucky day.  

I'm still shaking.  Maybe it'll stop soon.  

I hope this isn't a ruse.  I hope it can really be this easy.  

Love ya, 

S.  

  

Independence Day

I am thankful that today is my Independence Day. 

If everything goes well, it will be.  

I'm not going to burn his house down, just the legal bridge.

*****

I should probably state that I personally have trouble with this song.  It triggers a lot for me.  My step-father murdered my mother when he drunk and jealous.  She died on her 36th birthday.

Jealous men always know how to ruin special occasions. 

I will never tolerate another jealous man in my life.  I only want one man.  I'm too stupid to keep track of more than one at a time.  If my heart loves one man, there is no room for another.

If my heart loves a jealous man, it is going to have to learn to stop.  

It's still beating for him.

It'll stop soon.  It has too.

I always thought that he was a gift to me from Isis and Osiris.  A witch friend asked me what I wanted in a man.  I wrote it down.  She cast a spell. asking that I find someone I could love like Isis loves Osiris.  Steve showed up.  When my friend described him back to me, I realized what she had done.  He fit the description right down to his appearance.  He was the age, the build, personality, political ideology, intellectual ability, and had the occupation, hobbies, and physical appearance I had written down.

At first, I thought it was a little creepy.  

I think I know why Isis brought Steve to me and sent him off when she did.  

He would lecture me about freedom and taking responsibility for it.  Yes, he is responsible for my renewed attempt at my Independence Day despite the stalkers repeated attempts to get me lost in learned helplessness.

Our last online conversation centered around Ritalin.  There was bitching about politics and school districts breaking the law.  I couldn't figure out why I was so bothered by it all this time.  This has been a sore spot with me since 1997!

I realized today that I am hooked on a drug similar to Ritalin.

I never realized it before.

As a kid, after my mom died, I became hooked on diet pills.  The kind I took are illegal now but at the time you could get them for less than a dollar at the local pharmacy.   They are amphetamines.

We never had food at the foster home.  Diet pills took the edge off.

I got married, knocked up, and stopped taking diet pills.  Green tea and diet soda became my uppers.

I was 149 pounds when my ex lost his job and couldn't buy food.  I went to look for the diet pills because they are cheaper than groceries.  I found out that they are not legal to buy any more, so I made my own.

Yes, I knew a chemist back in the day.  I even make my own cosmetics via chemistry.  It's not all about drugs.

I don't need to cook the cocktail.

It's just a mix of common herbs and OTC things.

It cures my sinusitis, too.  We had lost our insurance.  My allergies never gave me fits when I made my stuff.

I quit taking them during my political stint because they made me feel anxious while giving speeches.  Worse, the abuse and stalking became really bad, so I couldn't take the concoction any more.

I was jittery as it was.

My weight ballooned. The only food I had in the house was flour and sugar (a throw back to my Mormon days....we always stock up on flour and sugar).  I'm not used to eating so many carbs.  I chunked out!

I ended up going to a doctor two months ago and he gave me a prescription for an amphetamine to help me lose weight.  I could barely walk due to the pressure the extra 35 pounds exerted on my knees, ankles, and hips.

I can't eat on these damn things.

Food makes me want to throw up.

I don't know how to explain it.

It can look good.  I can think I want to eat it but the moment it touches my mouth, I get sick.

This afternoon, I noticed that my chest is beginning to bother me despite the protein shakes I down.  I will literally break out into a cold sweat, the room will go dark, and get dizzy   This started a couple of days ago.

I realized it is the drug.  I'm going to see someone to get weaned off of them.  

Even though Steve may have broken my heart, I think he saved it on level.  I think he saved me from having a heart attack.

Is this irony?

I hope Isis has someone wonderful in store for Steve.  He's a good man, even if he hasn't quite found his activist legs yet.  He will.  We all go through that 'down with government' phase before we realize that we have to work within the system that exists in order to change it.

I'm going to try to sleep more than three hours tonight.

Fifteen years ago, it because I was sleeping with a guy.

Now it's because I'm hooked on crap.

*****

Oh no, an old song just jumped into my head.  This happens when I'm too exhausted to sleep. 

Oh, that song certainly gives me one heck of an idea for some self-hypnosis.  Maybe I can replace food and a drug with a certain type of exercise?

Hmmmm......where does one find a partner for something like that?

And I am not going to the hypnotist convention.  There is a guy there who know exactly what I'm talking about.

When he was a student, he wanted to know the worst misadventure I've ever had with hypnosis.  I told him, so he wouldn't ruin a woman.

Yep, I trained my ex to get me to have an O whenever he wanted me too.  It was bad.  He coupled it with colors.  He anchored it to flowers. He anchored it to the soles of my feet.  I quickly found that I had to hold my breath whenever I saw pink roses, pink lace, the color chartreuse, or walked anywhere with a lumpy surface (e.g. on a brick sidewalk or barefoot in the sand).

If I didn't hold my breath, I would scream.

It was very intense, tiring, and embarrassing.

I almost wrecked my van when I drove past a rose garden on a sunny summer day.

I had to get de-hypnotized when I started cumming while walking around with an ex-boyfriend who couldn't stop staring at me when ever I sat in front of a certain lime green painting.  Apparently, I was stroking the straw to my iced coffee.  He offered to buy me several.

What a gentleman.

Fortunately, another hypnotic gentleman cured me of it.

And, of course, I had to buy the painting!

Don't tell!!

It's a test.

And, NO, I can look at it now and not utter a sound.

It hangs above my headboard.

If I ever scream in that place again, it'll be because I'm not alone.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Twelve Step Programs

The answer to that questions for me....is...obviously.....never. 

Today I am thankful for twelve step programs.  

They don't have one for my addiction.  I guess it's a waning moon, I can just get some pepper, a bible and a black candle.

If there were a twelve step program, I would be he first to say the following:

My name is Siegfred and I am a narc addict.

I answered a forum post today to try to help someone feel better for putting up with a couple of manipulations.  She was young.  I'm old and should have known better.  I also have a psych degree.

Fortunately, for this woman, she's smarter than I am.

I've been trying to divorce a guy with NPD for over six years.  Every time I fill out the paperwork, I get hit with a power play.  

1. All of our money goes missing.  
2. He quits his job.  
3. He gets involved in a federal lawsuit and I have to stay until that's over. 
4. He files for bankruptcy and drags his feet on the paperwork forcing me to wait until its done to file because it's illegal to file for a state divorce during a federal legal case.  
5. He threatens to kill himself.  
6. He pretends that he's in therapy and asks me to stay until he's done (he quit early in the process and hung out at McDonalds an hour a week only to tell me about his imaginary therapist visit upon seeing me). 
7. His friends and family start stalking me and he asks me to stay here to be safe.  

Like a dolt, I bought the excuses and stayed with him until the issue resolved and he found another reason to ask me to stay.  

It's funny, another poster said that this could happen up to seven times!  That was true for me!  Wow....

Now, I'm still getting stalked by his relatives and the cops are urging me to get out.   His latest power play is that he is going to get a gastric bypass and he wants me to take care of him while he recovers.  NO!  I'm out of here for good!  

During this last separation, I became close to a guy that I met shortly after I found myself in the newspapers for some really crazy thing.  This guy stuck to me like glue.  He claimed he loved me.  He claimed we had the same friends in social circles.  When the articles dried up and my 15 minutes expired, he started to get distant.  One day, I innocently corrected him on a tiny matter, he cut me off before proceeding to try to smear me to people who have known me for years.  A couple of people challenged him (well...it was more like ridiculed him unmercifully) during the smear campaign.  He has since disappeared without a trace.   

It took me a couple of weeks to realize that I dodged a bullet.  

I'm a narc magnet.  A twelve step program or a year of solid therapy would probably do me a world of good! 

You're not alone in falling for the lines but, unlike some of us, you have the sense to question the baloney and take care of yourself.   Learn the lessons and get to know the nature of the beast, so you don't repeat the experience ever again.  Vow that you will never lose everything you have to another narcissist again.  

I'm done.

Today was nuts.  I learned more about his role in the stalking.  I caught him in a couple of lies.

He begged me to stay.  I asked him to explain the stalking to me and he started to rage at me for several minutes.  Our neighbors were having a picnic.   I guess we provided the entertainment.

These neighbors were entertaining a politician I know.  Oh, lord....I hope he doesn't realize who the neighbors are!

It was an interesting rage.  It went on for ten minutes. He bellowed.  He turned beet red.  He shook his fists at me.

The diatribe started with

"I AM the Stalker....ugh!!!"  

He made Hulk-like sounds.

It was weird.

Somewhere in the middle of his rant he said

"My family is stalking you.  
They want what they want. 
I want what they want. 
I don't know what they want." 

That was all I could understand.  He did go on about his mother but I couldn't understand what that was about.

I did ask him about it and he said he never said those things that I wrote above.  He did!

I did ask if he wanted his family to have what they wanted so they wouldn't mess with him anymore and he said "yes".

So, it would seem I have an explanation.

I learned more about him asking his cousin to stalk my high school sweetheart.  It was in 2004, after he overheard me scream his name in the middle of the night.  I had a nightmare that he had been killed in a car crash.

It was a re-occurring dream between 2004 and 2008.  When I saw Tom alive and doing fine, the dreams stopped.

Rather than dream of Tom, I just started grinding my teeth and fainting.  I had my first bout of vertigo on August 19, 2008 when Tom and I were trying to say good-bye after visiting with each other so I could return a piece of artwork that was giving my ex fits.   A therapist buddy of mine said that vertigo was my subconscious mind's way of deciding whether I wanted to stand strong or let myself fall for my friend.  I think that the vertigo was due to my guilt for still having feelings for a man that I hadn't seen in twenty-one years!

I ended up in the hospital over it.  It was horrid!  My life felt like one gigantic amusement ride.

Those dreams created a lot of drama.  They shouldn't have.  

I always thought that Tom was an internal representation of my Jungian animus.  The man and I look so similar people think we are brother and sister.  The dream probably meant that my personal power took a violent blow (due to the domestic abuse).  My real middle name happens to be the same as Tom's real first name.  I think my theory hit it on the head.  When I dream of Tom, I'm dreaming of my personal power.   When I dream that Tom has died, my personal power is dead.

It does not mean that I want to get funky with the guy who dodged a bullet with me.  I love him, I'm not going to let him look upon my Medusa-esque self and turn to stone! He needs to be saved by a kind, beautiful, younger hottie!

But....the stalking is weird.  Tom and I were stalked in a restaurant on January 11, 2011 between 1:00 and 2:15 p.m.  My sister-in-law and her fiance sat three tables down from us.  My ex called me at 2:15 to ask if I were okay because he had a feeling something bad had happened.  Five minutes later, Doug started to harass me on the street after Tom drove away.

I know who was behind the stalking.  I want answers.

The more I talk to my ex about this, the worse I feel.

I've got to stop trying to get closure.  There is none.

I've got to stop trying to make sense of the nonsense.  It won't work.

I'm in pain.

In a couple of days, I find out if he's ruined the money to the point I have to stay married a little longer.

Goddess, please help me get away.

Today was bizarre.  When I figured out what was going on and explained it to my ex, he refused to answer me saying that we were getting a divorce.

When my adult daughter wanted me to take her shopping, I told her that I couldn't because I had to go the lawyer's office my ex looked at me funny.

When she left, he told me we were staying together.

About an hour ago, he threw two checks at me.  One for $1,500 and another for $1,000, so I could pay for the initial filing fees and a portion of the retainer.

They are checks.  That may or may not translate into funds.  We'll see.

I'm certainly confused.

Wow....

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  Truth be told, I really want to wake up tomorrow and believe that I'm wrong about both of these men.  I want to believe that I misunderstood or mis-evaluated something.  I want to believe that they are not the monsters that I'm making them out to be. 

I want to believe it. 

But I can't. 

P.S.S.

Next Morning Edit:  In thinking about this, I probably should have allowed myself to get close to the cutie who asked me what my needs were in an exclusive sexual partnership.  He did this a public forum, mind you.  In front of the divorce lawyers and the conservative politicians who are trying to help me get out of here without ending up on welfare.

The liberal politicians I know are telling me that spending three months on welfare should be the least of my worries. They worry that I'm going to get myself killed.  Some of them really do have bleeding hearts; it's a shame their front men don't give a damn about anything more than enriching themselves.

Some idiots think that if I get remarried, I'll solve the problem.

No, I'll make it worse.  I've never yet met a man who could make as much money as I can per hour.  I just have to get away from the stalker because what I do is in the public eye.

This guy went so far as to announce to the world that he bared his soul to the woman he loves.

Oh...I was ill prepared for that.

Please don't talk about sex in front of the politicians; they'll use that against me!   Worse, don't talk about having sex with politicians to get political favors in front of the politicians. It doesn't work like that.

This is how it works; you hire a hooker or ask a hot friend to get someone drunk and take incriminating photos.  Then you barter the photos for favors.  That won't work with me, I wear a chastity belt.  I think the lock rusted shut.

If you're out drinking with a group of politicians, you don't let hookers take them anywhere!  It's tough being a wing-woman but if you want your friends to stay in power, you have to keep the peace.

Seriously, though, his antics were a little awkward given that the relationship we had was mere friendship.  In asking that, he obviously wanted more.   He was trying to be romantic.  His timing was just a wee bit off.

I should've expected it.

Well, I knew he fell in love with me because he did the watery eyes thing about eighteen months ago.  Another guy asked why I chose my friend over him.  I didn't but it looked that way.

The biggest giveaway was a discussion over the politics of marriage.  When I said that I merely don't believe it it, he looked a little shocked and hurt.

Narcissists don't act like that.  I guess I do manage attract some men who are not narcissistic.

I was wrong to even think that he could be a narcissist.  He's in pain.  I can feel it.  He's living my worst nightmare and I wish he'd let me comfort him.

He won't...so....

He is acting a little weird of late. I'm hoping it is because he found a new hottie.

If I never hear from him again, I'll assume it went extremely well.

I get the feeling it is because he's embarrassed.  This, too, shall pass.

Love ya,

S.

Relief

Today I am thankful for the sense of relief that I got when I realized how lucky Steve is that he ran out of my life. 

Big changes are coming.  

I can't talk about it.  

The games are afoot.  Money is disappearing again.  I may have to get creative to find the funds to take care of things.  

I'm in more danger than I have ever been in before.  If I get killed, I don't know if they are going to arrest the right person.  I'm still confused as to who the stalker is.   His family members are still calling over here, even though he claims to have asked them to stop.  

I wanted to get to the bottom of the stalking and today the answers I received made no sense.  

I did research on domestic violence and stalking.  I stumbled on a website.  There is a theory that was developed out of research undertaken shortly after O.J. Simpson killed Nicole Brown.  The researcher found that among his participants, there were two types of batterers.  One was an anti-social type that became aroused by violence; he called them cobras.  The others were emotionally dependent on their wives; he coined them pit-bulls.  

Here is a cut and paste (emphasis mine): 

Pit-bulls are motivated by an extreme fear of abandonment. They apologize frequently after violent episodes, promising to make permanent changes. Jealousy colors their relationships with women, and its intensity increases to fever pitch when the partner moves toward separation from the relationship. The pit-bull may resort to harassment, stalking, and even fatal violence, especially when he believes a new love interest has entered his partner's life. Not surprisingly, ending a relationship with a pit-bull is a highly dangerous choice.

Instinctively, the victim knows how safe she is to remain in the home. Advising the partner of a pit-bull to leave her abuser may actually escalate her chances of being severely injured, or even killed.

Here is another excerpt from another article:

A pit bull, however, has serious abandonment issues. All stalkers are pit bulls. A person who threatens to kill you and reinforces the threat with physical violence is likely a pit bull. A cobra strikes to kill. A pit bull cannot accept the relationship is over ~ “good-bye” is too painful for them to handle. A pit bull is the person who decides, “if I can’t have her/him, no one can.” These are the abusers who commit murder/suicide. When the pit bull realizes the relationship is indeed over, the object of their “affection” is in mortal danger.

This makes me realize that I've got to get rid of the rifle.  A gun with hollow point bullets will probably get me killed.  I'd best forgo that CCW permit for now.

Sigh...

I'm incredibly thankful my friend bailed on me.  I didn't expect him to claim to fall in love with me on a public forum.  I didn't expect to have feelings for him that were shared.  I'm glad he had enough sense to run off when I told him my sister-in-law was stalking me.

I love him, too.  I want him alive.  This is a good thing.

I haven't spoken to my in-laws since 1999.  My ex claims he hasn't spoken to them since 2007 and says he never talks about me.  If so, how does his sister know what days I'm talking to other men?  How does she know when I'm at school?  at work?  what car I drive?

Something is off.

He's got to be asking her to follow me around.

At a political convention last weekend, I had a politician ask me why I stopped showing up to events that I promised to attend.

I found myself explaining why I don't go to all of his events.  I told him that I usually get dressed up to go but sometimes don't make it out of the house because of threats or comments that scare me.  On the day that Steve was going to meet me in my home town for a Celtic Heritage Festival, my ex made mention of going out there to find Steve.  After the festival, I had plans to go to a political event to support my politician friend.  Rather than risk hurting Steve, I stayed home.  I feared going anywhere so long as the Celtic Festival was going on.

I know my friend can take care of himself.  I just don't want to cause trouble.

This is the piece of the puzzle I am missing.  It was the typology.

Wow... it's a lot to think about.

This overshadows the emotional issues I have.  This needed to be over with by now.

I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I average less than four hours of sleep at night.

When the kids fall sick in the middle of the night, I am the only one there.  He's happy in his basement apartment and free of the real job of parenting.

Yesterday, the girls spent the day with their father.  One became severely ill.  She ate junk food most of the day.  My ex wanted to talk until 2:00 a.m.  I got things cleaned up so I could go to sleep around 2:30.  The youngest child became severely sick a little after 4:00 a.m.  I had to get up to wash the sheets and blankets, clean the mattress, collect the toys, comfort and bathe the child, and make her a new new bed.

I'm dragging myself around today.

Now, I need to find a way to make money that won't take me out of the house.  Yes, he wants me to find money that doesn't exist to pay off a gastric bypass surgery he wants, the middle child's braces (or impending jaw surgery), and other new debts because he's not willing to take a second job.

I can't do that if I can't work.

I'd like to figure out how to end the stalking so it doesn't cost me yet another job.

I can't do that if I can't understand the mechanism by which Shannon and her boyfriend know what I'm doing.

I can't start a business if I can't access credit or seed money.

I don't want to stay in this house with him because that's how he knows what I'm doing.  He won't leave.  If I leave, the kids will be neglected.  I stay.  He promises to leave once I have a job.  I get a job.  I get stalked. I lose my job and the cycle continues.

This is getting old.

I do have a plan.  I can't talk about it for fear of it falling through.  I'm awaiting a call on Tuesday and a meeting on Wednesday.

We'll see how it goes.

I'm alone.

I feel ugly.

I am in pain.

I really miss having a partner.  He left me in 1999.  He started calling me his ex in 2007 and he stopped touching me in 2008.

He says he believes that it our relationship is over.

He also says that he has to control me to keep me here.

I don't know what to believe.

Maybe being in an oppressive home situation living a life of celibacy is better than being killed.

I guess I'll never have sex again.  That is such a crazy thought.  I don't even remember what it is like.  I never thought I'd spend over six years of my life living like this.

I am terrified.  He loses his temper too much.  I'm hunting through financial documents and I cannot account for nearly $30,000.

Worse, he is telling me things about his settlement with the city that I did not know.   I don't know what to believe.  I really don't.

It sounds like he was making himself out to be a victim.

Actually, he was.  He was raging at me and had me backed into a corner.  I swatted him back and he ran around telling everyone that I broke his nose.

His nose is just fine.

I know this post sounds jumpy and nonsensical but I'm being pressured to hurry up and go back upstairs.

I have too many questions.

Why can't the cops help me?

They tell me that I've got to get serious about finalizing the divorce.

That could get me killed.

If my ex is telling the truth, how is his sister finding the time, energy, motivation, money, and information necessary to stalk me?

What do I do to stop it?

Can I hold a job without fear of stalking?

Can I put contingency plans in place to minimize said stalking?

I'll spend some time thinking about what to do.

After reading what I read today, I am thankful that Steve ran off and hid himself.  It is one less person to worry about.  

I found the original research article on the typology.  It is on the author's website for anyone interested in reading it.

It fits too well: http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Testing-a-typology-of-batterers.pdf

Yes, I'm Pagan.

I found bought a steak for Aries, it was marked down to $1.00.  That's pocket change.  It may be appropriate to honor the God of War in this instance.  If I get a job, he's getting a nice roast.

Do I know any dark magicians?  A spell couldn't hurt. I know several.  I'll email them when I get back to my room.

Do I need a protection spell?

Or do I need to conjure a wraith?

I'd try anything at this point.

My ex and his family are superstitious.  Superstition could help get him settled down.

I wonder, does he fear Hades?

I don't know him any more.

I know his sister and mother fear witches.  They fear demons.

I can work with that, especially given the family myth that I am the master of 432 djinns.

I think it's more like 21.  I'd have to count...let's see.  One Shaitan, Two Ghul, Five Ifrit, Seven Marid, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen Marid...and over one hundred empty vessels.  Then, there is that little spooky piece the Satanist's daughter sent me when her parents died.  I can't touch that one without my head spinning... the note said it was found in her father's safe.  It is said to contain the essence of seven human spirits.

I can't give that one away.  No one wants it.  Not even the paranormal museum.  It's stuck here.

Maybe I can gift it to Shannon?  Hmmmm.......

Am I joking?

You decide.

Then someone sent me what was supposed to be a unicorn in a peridot ring.  It broke shortly after I got it.  That cracks me up a little bit.  Steve used to giggle about unicorns and rainbow poop.  That was his metaphor for bullsh!t.

I tried to connect with a unicorn but alas, the unicorn flew free.

I did take the ring because I was hypnotized to be incredibly happy when looking at a peridot.  I was happy. Despite the crap, I felt joy.

If I die, guess who the new owner of the collection will be?  It has been said that an owner of a Djinn is in for a lifetime of bad luck due to the abuse of Solomon.   I don't own the Djinn.  I own the jewellery.

I do have the most beautiful dreams when I fall asleep meditating to thoughts of the Djinn.  I find the Koran to be a beautiful book.  I'm not so fond of the politics of Islam but parts of the Koran paints a loving portrait of the religion and of God.

I would assume that should the Djinn be real, most of them would be religious.  Well, maybe not the Shaitan, the very name implies a kinship with the Christian devil.

I also get a horrible sense of sadness and anger when I see news footage of drone strikes and dead children in Iraq, Pakistan, and Afganistan.  Is that the Djinn?  Is it me?  Both?

Even demons may get angry about that behavior.  One wonders why we don't demonize the idiot that orders those drone strikes?

I wish....I wish...I wish for....World Pea...

Oh, no...never mind.

It'll backfire.

Oh, yummy.  I have a hankering for blended peas.

That must be my wish coming true....

Whirled peas.....

UGH!!

I hate my dry humor.

I wish...I wish...

never mind.

I keep my collection here as a form of research.

I haven't won the lotto yet.

If I win, you'll know why.

If I win the Powerball on the day before the economy collapses, trust me...I would take that as a sign and a signal that at least one of the Djinn here are real and messing with me.

Until that day, I'm going to enjoy the mystery and the fun of freaking my ex out so much that he stays out of my creepy bedroom when he has his fits of rage.

I guess my wish to stay safe has come true!

Hooray!!!  

I'll light my Djinn some incense.  Djinn like incense.  My ex hates it.

I'm probably so warped and evil that I'm often mistaken for a demon.

I do find too much humor in messing with obnoxious jerks!!

Love ya,

S.

Laughing at Pain

Today I think I am thankful for funny pain: I think I found a reason to laugh a little.  

Well...I may have figured out what made my friend Steve freak out.

I spent three days away from home at a political convention.  I'd say that 2/3 of the participants were male.

I work as a hypnotist.  I would say that 2/3 of the people in my profession are male.

In fact, my hobbies include many male dominated things.  I play bass.  I create websites.  I do psych research.  I am an author but have only managed to publish self-help articles.

I am an artist.  Art has about a 50/50 split gender wise.

I have a lot of male colleagues and most of them are NOT interested in a relationship.  They are interested in leads.  They are interested in inspiration.  They are interested in activism and getting volunteers.  They are interested in business, educational, or political collaboration.  They are NOT interested in getting it on with me.

I was so busy last week that I rarely checked into Facebook.  It was over that weekend that Steve flipped out and alienated my friends after he blocked me.  He didn't delete his messages.  His comments are still on my page but I cannot read them.  My posts will say that I have a certain number of comments but I'll only be able to see some of them.

I never got to send him my mentalism information.....I'm so bummed.  If you ever want to mess with a man's mind, teach him mentalism.  

Sigh...

One of my colleagues is promoting his romantic poem business.  He does this by posting beautiful customized poetry to the pages of his female friends.

On Saturday, he posted a beautiful poem to my Facebook page a few hours before Steve flipped out.  He basically wrote things about me that Steve said attracted him to me.  He was far less eloquent than Steve.

This man has never met me in person.  All he knows is what I post and what news articles he can find about me (if he even bothers to look).

So, today, I finally got in the mood to answer my online comments.  I just saw the poem on my wall.

This man wrote that he is down under.

I could see the confusion.

Down under does not mean that he went under there.

No one goes under there in my world without extreme vetting.  Steve was close.

By 'down under' he means that he is in Australia.

Why that would make anyone jealous is beyond me. 

He comes from the land down under.

Where women glow and men thunder...or is it plunder? 

It's plunder. 

Oh, jealous men thunder. 

Australian men plunder when they have something decent to go after. 

I have no gold.  I have no diamonds.  I'm ugly as sin.  They'd leave me alone. 

He comes from a place where beer does flow and men chunder,

and where every woman is a Sheila.

Sheila was my birth name.  I was orphaned.  It was changed.

People still call me Sheila.

So, if such a man ever writes that he loves Sheilas....please understand that they may well be named Nancy, Kylie, Brooke, Hillary, Catherine,  Ann or have any number of feminine monikers.

Could this be what set Steve into a confusing mass of nonsensical hysteria?

If so, it is quite funny.

Steve getting upset wasn't funny.

The situation is funny.

It is quite painful...but funny.

Lord help us!

My friends say he'll come back.  I'm not so sure but I want to put it into a proper perspective should we ever cross paths again.  I don't want to lose my sense of composure if I have to give a speech in the same room with him again. 

He doesn't love me.  His declarations were premature.  I knew that.  Most men wait forever to say those words.  He was just lonely.  I'm not what he wants.  It's probably a good thing he blocked me because all those declarations of love are erased from my page.  That way, if his future love hunts me down, she'll never see those.  

That's pretty cool! 

I think it'll be okay. 


Love ya,

S.

P.S.  It gets worse.  I updated my TweetDeck today so I don't see his feed anymore.  It hurts to see his avatar.  Sadly, I saw one of his Tweets.  Do you know what he wrote the day before he went bonkers?

I'm going to paraphrase to preserve his privacy.  I don't want him to be found in a Google search.  

Steve basically stated that people need the government to tell them whether or not they are married.

I think that could provide a clue to a reason for the anger.

He may be mad I won't put out because I'm not officially divorced.

Steve fancies himself an anarchist.  He's not.  He's a Libertarian, especially if one goes on that standby definition of a Libertarian being a conservative screwed over by the government.

An Anarchist wouldn't have cooperated enough to let the government bend him over. 

We both have been screwed by the government. 

He's old fashioned.  If I so much as kiss him before this fiasco is settled, it would be horrid if we were to hook up.  He'd always be looking over his shoulder wondering if I were kissing other men.

Until he can see how transparent I really am, I can't even go there. 

Besides, I don't need the government to define my marital status.  My stalking ex does.  Until it is made explicitly clear that the relationship is over, I fear my friend and I will end up looking down the barrel of his sister's pistol.  Until I get my Glock, I won't be able to win a gunfight because the only protection I have will be my high heeled boots.   Steve may be overestimating his ability to fight a 300+ pound woman and her 500+ pound brother.  I don't care how strong a man is, all these stalking fools have to do is sit on him and he's toast. 

What a way to go!  They don't wipe well.  It's not the best smell in the world.  I would hate that to be the last thing he breathes in. 

Oh...it wouldn't be pretty.

Shudder......

Sooo.....

I find myself amused yet again.   

Love ya,

S. 

Friends

Maybe someday, I'll be lucky enough for the right kind of warm gun...sigh...


Today I am thankful for friends. 

They are not close friends but I would do anything for them.  I haven't had anything to give them since my ex hid the money.

I feel bad about that.  We need money to do what we do.  

My friends get together to play in the political sandbox and throw dirt in filthy bureaucrats' eyes.  

I do tell them about the stalking when they ask why I don't go to their events.  

Usually one of a variety of things happen, my stalker got to me, I dressed up nice and my ex said something that threatened me, my car isn't running, or I can't find the money for gas.  

It'll be over soon.

One of  these friends is a firearms instructor.  At the last moment, he decided to put together a class as a fundraiser.  He conducted it for free but it would cost $60 to be a part of the fundraiser.  

The organization of benefit allowed me to volunteer to greet people over the course of three days and let me partake in this class for free.  

I learned a lot.  I learned that almost everything I learned about guns as a kid was wrong.  I need more training!  How I didn't kill people when I handled my dad's loaded revolver is beyond me. 

The other day my firearms instructor friend gave me two pieces of parchment declaring that I had completed the course and qualified for my concealed carry firearms permit.  One is on white parchment and the other on goldenrod. 

I have two class certifications.  The last time I saw my ex, I presented one to him and said "I've got two certifications.  I got one for you.  I got the other one for your sister."  

He's been awfully nice to me lately.  

I'll keep one in the living room.  I'll hide the other one because I need it to present to the Sheriff.  

I owe my friend a small mint and a raving testimonial.  I need to find a way to repay him and the others for helping me to stay safe.  

I do have another friend who is a gun dealer.  He's been trying to get me a Glock since he learned about the stalking in '11.  

I didn't want a gun.  I just wanted the permit thinking the parchment will get them to leave me alone.  

Besides, I don't need a CCW permit for a rifle. 

Wow...A true friend helps you out in your time of need.  I've got to do my best to be there for them.  

I've been so stuck in my sadness that I've forgotten the bright lights in my life.  

Remember those people who bring sunshine to you on those rainy days.

Love ya, 

S.  

Lessons

Today I am thankful for those lessons that I learn to understand.

I don't want to go into too much detail.  

One would think that after all I've been through, that I'd have thicker skin.  I don't understand why I am letting this latest fiasco with Steve get to me.  

I laugh about it.  

He's acting out because I'm not sucking his dick and kissing his ass.  

I had a high powered guy in political circles tells him to "wank off " to conspiracy theorists and the only thing going through my mind was...

yeah...he has to do that because I'm a prude.  

Yet, I didn't say anything.  The political guy never showed up to subsequent events.  The other woman in question is barely speaking to me over Steve's behavior.  

I don't even know what he did because he blocked me.  

I am ignoring my worried hot guy friend.  The last thing I need is some good looking lonely guy trying to comfort me.  

After laughing about it, I worry about it.  

Is Steve doing drugs?  

Did Steve hit his head?  

Is he embarrassed over something?  

Then I get angry over it. 

What the hell is this guy thinking?  

He refuses to talk to me on the phone and thinks I'll screw him when he only spends about nine hours a year alone with me in person.   I don't know that hanging out during political events counts  because of the negativity in those arenas.  It's not conducive to amorous interaction.   I need time alone with someone to get to know them.  

Yeah, I realized that I find phones to be incredibly intimate.  

Any guy that's gotten lucky with me has called me first and spent a lot of time on the phone with me.   It took me awhile to understand this; I tend to view talking to guy on the phone as allowing him to whisper in my ear.  That was insightful.  I was a musician.  The last two men I dated (and married) were with are not very good looking but they both had resonate radio announcer voices.  I guess if someone views the world through sound, voices are important.  Steve has a nice voice, I'm not sure I want to ever hear it again, but it is nice nonetheless.  

That's not what really bugs me.  

Who the heck is this person to judge anyone else?  

Why does he allow other people to judge him?  

Rather than try to convince idiots to take on his way of thinking on an internet forum, why doesn't he just lead by example like I try to do?  

I tried leading someone to look at the facts of an issue on an internet video channel with some person pretending to be a 22 year old idiot last week.  It turns out, he's about my age and lives in the town where I ran for office.  That is why he picked on me.  Guess who showed up to a political event last night?

He made those watery eyes at me and looked at me a little too long.  

Ick...

Maybe I'll keep this new guy around.  He makes me sick.  Maybe I can lose those last twenty pounds faster.

Finally, I get hopeful over it.  

Yeah, I pray that Steve found a hotter chick who kisses his ass and does a heck of a lot more than suck his rooster.

That, I'd understand.

If somebody is making you feel like a million bucks, ditch the b!tch!

I will not contact him because that is my code.  If you're getting bopped, do not let former love interests ruin it for you.

No one needs that complication.

Sigh... 

Life is weird.

It is so very weird.

I do think I have the lessons down. If someone cuts me off without talking to me about it, he doesn't respect me and it is time to move on.

Losing a friend hurts more than the divorce.

I've cried a lot.

There are other lessons. 

I have also realized that I have lived over six years of celibacy because I cannot set decent boundaries with my ex.  I need to figure out how to do that.  There are days when I think I'm destined to be alone forever and then a new hottie will ask me out only to be turned down because my ex and I share a house.

I know what I need to do.

One of us needs to move out.  That is why I never invited Steve here.

Steve has also taught me that I need to work on my self-esteem.  This last relationship made me feel incredibly ugly.  I can't fathom how anyone can look at me.  Steve once told me that I had a neurosis about being called beautiful.

It took me a little while to understand why.

When I was a little girl.  I was called "pretty ugly."

When I was fourteen, my mother beat me because a man in the grocery store called me pretty and didn't compliment her on her looks.  She actually bit me on my right arm and I ended up in the hospital.

I wished she would leave me alone.  She died within a week of that.

At sixteen, my sister was ridiculing me in front of a talent scout at a department store.  He urged me to sign up for a modelling competition.  I know he did that out of kindness.  I was a finalist.  My sister never got into the contest.  I don't know who he was but my sister has never ridiculed me since that day; she has beat me up and torn pretty clothes off of me in a fit of rage just like my mother did.  My sister has never called me ugly since that day.  That man changed my life.

I met Tom within a couple of weeks of that modelling competition.  I tried the modelling thing over the summer but I hated it too much to continue.  I liked doing the window display thing, where I'd model clothes and try to be as still as possible.  I liked doing the haunted house acting thing and screaming while young guys would jump and freak out.

I truly hated the strutting down the runway thing.  To this very day, I get self-conscious when I notice people watching me walk.

Running for mayor reminded me of runway modelling.  You have to act like a model citizen.  People expect you to act and dress like someone else.  I didn't do that.  I tried to present as myself.  That whole experience still left a bad taste in my mouth.  I feel sorry for career politicians.  We are human.  How can you be more than human?  It's too narcissistic of a job for me.

I'd rather give people hell.

I still feel ugly. When I dress up, I feel it is akin putting lipstick on a pig.  Yeah, I borrowed a Republican phrase there.  If the shoe fits....

I know why I wasn't in a hurry to fix things so that I could try to be with my friend.

The truth is, I can't fathom how anyone can stand seeing me naked.

My mind goes back to all those little insults in my marriage.  I keep going back to being told that I need to look and act like a porn star.  I actually did hypnosis to those ends.  I remember him turning away from me at night.  I remember his leaving whenever his mother lied about me.  I certainly remember him grabbing me and tearing off my favorite dress only to make a mess on my leg and run into the living room to eat potato chips while I'm left to clean up.  That event must bug me because of what my mom and sister did to me: They liked to attack me, tear off my clothes, and demean me when I looked nice.

If I were prettier, he wouldn't have treated me like that.

I have recently spoken to docs about cosmetic surgery thinking  that desiring to look better would inspire me to make more money.  The doctors say that nothing will fix what I think is wrong.  It can minimize it but surgery may or may not make a difference.  I should be happy to look young for my age.

I think beauty is an internal thing.  Maxwell Maltz was a famous cosmetic surgeon who would write about beautiful people who felt ugly even after getting tons of work done.

I have learned that I need to work on my self-esteem.

I feel ugly.  I feel incredibly hurt about being ridiculed by my ex for my sexuality.  I'm realizing that I may never be able to trust anyone in that realm again.

It'll take time for me to build any kind of relationship leading to that.  I'll have to trust someone completely.  I trusted me ex and look what he did to me.

I am also learning that my ex was a big part of the stalking.  Everyday more pieces to the puzzle fall into place.  I am afraid but I cannot do anything about this situation.  Restraining orders only go so far.

I am learning that I just have to get away completely.  It'll only be dicey until the county grants the divorce.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

My lesson is to avoid men who don't talk with me directly and to only trust men who invest time in me.

I'm not going to go looking for anyone.

I can't.

I'm learning that my heart is full of shit.  It still loves Tom.  It still loves Steve.  If it beats fast around my ex, it's only out of fear.

I can't get myself to trust any of them.

Maybe the love I have for people isn't love.

Maybe I don't know how to love.

It's never really worked out for me.

There are some people destined to be alone.

I give up.

I let myself feel and it only leads to pain.

I will never go through this kind of hell again....ever!

So, how does one turn a heart back into coal?

Hmmmmm......let me scheme on that.

Love ya,

S.

Teeny Tiny Regrets

Today I am thankful that I found some teeny tiny regrets.

I think I know what happened.  I've been busy.  I've been working 14 hour days since last Wednesday.

I volunteered for three long days.  In return, they gave me a free Concealed Carry Gun course.

I'm just waiting for the background check now.

Woo Hoo!

With Shannon and Doug stalking me, I couldn't pass it up.

I also had numerous motivational courses on marketing and fundraising.  I even learned that we have cities and towns with their own currency.  I even learned about the history preceding BitCoin.  Steve picked the wrong day to stop talking to me.  I was given the CD on Sunday about twelve hours after he blew a gasket.

I'll give it to someone else....sigh.

I love my friends.

I wasn't at Steve's beck and call because I was busy.  He has been weird lately.  I'm not sure I want him around.  I'm already trying to ditch one personality disordered guy.

I need to get my head straight to deal with another person's tantrums.

I'd be happiest if he found a new chick.  If he did, though, he'd be busy with her and not f'ing with my friends' heads.

I did talk to my politician friends about his issue without saying his name.

I actually met someone involved in politics that had the exact same thing happen to her, in the same city, a couple of years ago.  I will visit with the school board next week....with HER!

Thanks Steve....I needed to know that in order to talk to her. 

I'm in contact with someone who deals with the medical aspects of the reason for the issue. 

If I can't help him, I'm going to help someone else. 

So....Steve can stick a sock on it. 

My only regret is that he never let me send him all those lessons on Mentalism. 

He unfriended me for one of them.

Yep...

I'll share that lesson. 

Mentalism is a combination of magic and covert hypnosis. 

Siegfried's first rule of mentalism is to make the target think that you have powers you do not have. 

It works for me...

all...
the...
time. 

I'm going to sign off.  I haven't slept for nearly a week. 

I think Steve doesn't want to see my face.  I think he is upset that we have so many friends in common.  Actually few of them really know him as well as they know me.  I see them all the time in person.  They may have met him once or only online. 

He probably unfriended them to avoid me.  I think they confused about why he'd unfriend them and try to re-friend them.

So...I don't address anything with them.

I've avoiding them, including Mr. Fitness.

Mr. Fitness is kind.  Kindness is hot.  Maybe someday I'll tell you about the time he tried to rescue me from obnoxious bees at a picnic. 

If he didn't want to cop a feel then, he doesn't want to do it now.

Steve is jealous of him for some reason.  There is no reason to be jealous. 

Perhaps that could be the issue; I do talk to a lot of men.

My job requires it. 

I don't know. 

Steve could be upset that he hit on something I've been fighting about for years.  I thought it was resolved.  It wasn't. 

Or - he's angry that he lied to me. 

No biggie. 

I'm not ready for romance. 

I will never trust him again because he behaved like a little kid and failed to communicate about it; so it is completely over.  When he finds someone else and wants to do something to stop other people from having their lives ruined.  He can call me. 

May he have fun until that day. 

This is quite sad.  He really was everything I wanted in a man...except...the being bizarre to my friends business.

Sigh....

On the bright side, I was hit on by a drunk INTP at a party last Friday.  I sent him packing because I wasn't interested.

Now, I don't see why I shouldn't talk to him.  Maybe I'll buy him a beer the next time I see him.

Love ya,

S. 

Lacking Love Smarts

Today, I am thankful for being stupid in the realm of love. 

Today...

I had to run around as a hostess for a political party.  It wasn't supposed to be my job but I'm the only non-drinker volunteering.  I wasn't hungover.  

My skin looked like crap.  

I tried to smile throughout out the event with salt burns all over my face and a raging migraine.  

Crying gives me migraines.  Tears burn my skin.  

I looked so horrible that even the reporter took pity on me.  

Everyone knew what happened.  

Everyone knew I was upset.  

No one dared piss me off.  

I have a reputation. 

Apparently, my former friend (for lack of a better term) contacted other people and bitched at them after he un-friended me.  No one will tell me what he wrote.  I'm not sure what the heck he was going on about.  They assured me that they deleted his comments.  

I don't know what it was about.  I couldn't read any of it.  He contacted mutual friends and we have many friends in common.  I don't know how many people he upset yesterday.  

A couple of my friends are worried.  

There are theories floating around.  

Is he trying to get me to want him?  

Uh, no...

Is he trying to get me to call him?  

I don't know.  

I won't call him if he makes it clear that he doesn't want to communicate with me. 

Is he trying to feel better about leaving me by getting some of my male friends interested?  

There are two local guys I've been avoiding.  One just separated.  The other one is widowed.  

That is not counting the hot therapist two states over. 

If I wanted them....I'd work to be with them.  

They're not my type.  

I'm not in any hurry now to move on with my life.  There is no reason to push things.  I may as well stick around this hell hole until the lawyers and I get shit settled down enough that I won't need alimony.  

Why hurry getting the divorce finalized now?  I don't want to be anywhere.  

If this is what is out there...I don't want any of it! 

I'll stop pushing.  

I hate it when men go all drama king in public.  

Ooooh!!!  

So, basically, that drama says that I'm not with anyone.  I liked the ambiguity.  I didn't have to put up with men asking me out all the f'ing time.   As long as my divorce isn't final, it is a get out of jail free card for my male acquaintances.  They think they can have their fun and not have to worry about me wanting them to stick around.  

When the divorce is final, they'll leave me alone.  

Still....here is a word of advice.  

Men.....don't act like a crazy cat in public!!  Don't do that!  It's not doing a woman any favors.  Do not freak out mutual male friends.  If they're even the most slightly interested in taking a roll around the hay with her, they'll go for it thinking that they have nothing to lose!  

They'll justify trying to get her naked as offering comfort.  

Wouldn't it help your ego to be the bigger person?  Wouldn't it make you feel hot knowing that she couldn't replace you easily?  

Stop being stupid! 

Sigh... 

If he is testing me...

he failed the test!! 

I could care less if I pass or not! 

My ex has been giving me advice about men.    

He called my "friend" a fool and told me that he was behaving like a jealous a-hole.  He said that some guys will block women before displays of possessive jealousy to hide what they are actually saying from their lady loves.  I think this is straight from my ex's play book.  It seems familiar to me.  

My ex says that my former friend will contact me again.  

I can't figure out how to block him on Facebook.  He blocked me first.  I can't block him.  If he unblocks me, he can initiate contact.  I don't want him to have that privilege   I turned on follow a couple of days ago thinking it would keep Shannon and Doug from hacking my account if they could simply follow me. Someone followed me within an hour of my former friend's game.  So, I deleted that feature.  I only had the one follower who joined me last night; Facebook won't let me see that person's name.  I'm thinking it is someone that blocked me.  

I'm embarrassed.    

I'm hurt.  

I don't know what to do.  

I'm off to bed to formulate my own theories about what happened.  

He doesn't like being challenged.  He isn't living in reality.  He sees the world through conspiracy theories.   He expects people to be deferential and if they aren't, it is disrespectful.  His words don't match his actions.  His body language matches his words.  So, I would think he means what he says but is afraid of rejection.  

I don't know...I hate it when my education takes over my emotions.  I don't believe in conventional psychotherapy but it is really the only reference I have for things like this.  

This is one of those behaviors that sometimes result from childhood abuse that creates issues with trust.  Some boys are spoiled and it leads to mild narcissism.  Other times they can be severely neglected and overcompensate by becoming narcissistic.  Dumb narcissists, stay that way (case in point, my ex).  

Smart people with narcissistic tendencies realize the problem.  They quickly realize that the way they were treated as kids doesn't reflect the reality of the world.  In these cases, they hide away and become almost schizoid fearing further abuse.  

There is hope.  I don't put a lot of faith in conventional psychotherapy.  I'd try holistic psychotherapies.  Drugs won't work.

In fact, the more I think about it and the more I try to piece together his story, the more I realized he lied to me.  If he told the truth, one of his parents is a narcissist.  I don't want to go into too much detail.

His story has to do with a child being stolen from her father and given to the grandparents do to them sharing concerns with the school.

Now, if you know my name and can get to the WayBackMachine, run a check with my name circa 2001-2007.   I was the liaison for a group defending children against tyrannical public schools.  I was also fighting grandparents rights due to my narcissistic mother-in-law threatening to sue for custody; her threats are the reason we never officially divorced.  In our state, grandparents can only do that during a divorce action.

I know it is illegal for the school to have done what it did.  I know it is illegal for the school to even speak to the grandparents without the expressed consent of the father.  I know that the mother, by law, had to sign off of what happened or she can steal custody from the grandparents.  In our state, parents trump grandparents.

Either he's lying or he is incredibly stupid (which I doubt).   It could also be that he won't fight (if that were the case, it would be incredibly hard for me to respect him more than anyone else).

Usually, it is narcissistic and overly enmeshed grandparents who try to get custody without helping their adult children.

It could also be that he likes having his narcissistic parents raise his kiddo, which will cause trouble done the road.  If Grandpa is the narcissist, my friend will hate his future son-in-law.  If it is Grandma, I fear for the daughter's mental health.  Luckily, I have a friend who is the foremost authority on women raised by narcissists.  

In fact, this could simply be drugs.  He could be without a disorder but taking a drug that creates symptoms that reflect erratic behavior.  

I don't know.  

It's not my problem.  

I can't help.   

I'd rather be alone with my guitars.  

Guess what song I'm trying to learn?  

It's a Tom Petty classic... 

Yep...

Don't Come Around Here No More.  

A couple of my exes keep coming back.  

You know what?  

I frustrate the  hell out of them.  

They played little games, too.  

I never so much as held their hands since.  

I love 'em dearly.  I'd do almost anything for them.  I'll daydream about things that I'll never do unless they get me to drink a pint of root beer flavored vodka and not remember my name, our history, or anything about human customs and morals.  

My exes wouldn't let me to that for fear I'd bite it off.  

I'm an Irish lass....I'm a mean drunk.  

So....it ain't happening! 

I'd tell my friend to 'bite me' but I don't feel like extending the invitation.  

I'm confused and off to process my own theory.  

I thought there was another woman interested in him.  I thought they hooked up but some of the weird stuff he wrote would make me believe that they didn't.  

I'll get rid of my feelings somehow.  

Maybe I'll whip up a batch of Valerian Vodka, that's how I got over the last guy.  

The last guy got me over the guy before him; he was my rebound. 

The guy before him was my rebound from my high school sweetheart.  

I'm done rebounding.  That leads to trouble.  I had one six year rebound.  I had one twenty-year rebound.  

Enough!!!  

I'm better off alone.  

I am sooo happy that I never slept with him.

It just never felt right.

It pays to be a prude.

Love ya, 

S.