Poor Eyesight

Today I am thankful for having poor eyesight.

 

 

On Saturday, I put my contact lenses in the wrong eyes. 

 

I was having a hard time seeing. 

 

 

The Catholic nursing home had a rummage sale.  Every year, a Korean retailer will donate a ton of brand new hip clothes.  I love Asian clothing!  It's bright and colorful. 

 

Mike repaid me $40 to return money he borrowed from me last year.  I used ten of it to buy a monitor and keyboard for a teenager.  I bought him a lot of shirts.  

All the while, I kept thinking to myself that it is incredibly codependent to buy someone who calls you his ex clothing. 

Do you know how hard it is to buy 3X-4X shirts?  Do you know how hard it is to get them brand new for $3? 

 

I never want it to be said that I left him without the shirt on his back.  In fact, he'll have about thirty shirts.  

 

I like going to this rummage sale because one of the ladies has a good eye for fashion.  She knows the right colors that make me look nice.  She has two teenage daughters, so she can help me find clothing that my kids actually wear.  Every year she gives me advice. 

 

I bought myself two $1 coats (one winter, one spring), two $1 sweaters, two $1 dresses and a scarf.  One of the dresses was hot.  It was layered in such a fashion that when I walk, one can get a sneak peak at my legs.  It is translucent and it fits in just the right ways.  

 

The woman said she had a hard time selling it but she liked it on me, so she snuck it in my bag. 

 

I put my remaining five dollars in their little donation jar.  The woman, seeing this, gave me my daughter a brand new blue prom dress that brings out her eyes.  It even had a dry cleaning sticker on it. 

 

I don't know how they make money.

 

It was a very warm day, so I wore my new dress. 

 

I made it home and Mike looked at it. 

 

He looked,  

 

and looked,  

 

and looked. 

 

I was informed that I was wearing a shirt. 

 

Yep, it turns out that I was wearing a size 2X top that reached my knees. 

 

I wonder if Shannon has one just like it? 

 

Well...that WAS awkward. 

 

So...I bought myself new contact lenses today because I still have health insurance. 

I also went to the dentist for my final check-up until I get my own insurance. 

I'm debating on a breast cancer screening.  The doctor says that I could have cancer due to my blood work and he suggested that I get one before I lose my insurance. 

 

Sigh...

 

I'd better get it done now.  

 

I don't know if I want to talk about what is going on. 

 

I feel like a social pariah.

 

I'm in hiding. 

 

I ended up going to my activist buddy's law firm to ask advice. 

 

That was awkward. 

He's a Facebook friend. 

 

I post about the stalking on my Facebook account and everybody who knows me sees it.  They must think I've gone mad. 

 

I think I've gone mad. 

 

I also think my sister-in-law needs a job. 

 

Who in the world has that much time on her hands? 

 

The stalking is driving me batty. 

 

I decided not to hire my friend.  He recommended a member of his firm. 

 

The lawyer I know told me that I needed to get a restraining order pronto; he told not to wait.  My social worker friend told me that he knows I'm allowing my ex to hang around here due to pity; he thinks it's going to get me killed.  The cops told me that I needed to get a restraining order and get serious about getting the divorce settled. 

 

A Senator told me to move into a shelter.  I was told that staying in this house could get me killed.

 

Someone offered to get me a concealed carry permit.  That was a generous offer but I don't know if I'll take him up on it.  I can't afford the Sheriff's fees. 

 

Maybe I should. 

I see the situation as bad but I don't see what they see.  I know my personality took a 180 when I found out that he had hidden the money and destroyed my credit.  I was traumatized.  He literally bellowed at me, saying that he had to do those things to keep me here.  I was being punished for having my own business and running for office.  He didn't want me to continue doing things that could take me away from him. 

This was a man who called me his ex in April of '07 and claimed that the moment he found a job, he'd cooperate with a divorce.  The day he found a job was the day he threw the tantrum above.  It was Valentine's day of 2012.   

He went from friendly ex to monster in those moments. 

Still, I wonder what people outside of our home see? 

I bet they think I'm crazy. 

I feel crazy. 

The minute I file, things are going to get crazier.  He'll go off.  Do I need a black belt?   Do I need a security system?  What do I do? 

 

I would really rather have a job first but I'm realizing that I may need to stop trying to be hyper-responsible about money and take my health and safety a little more seriously. 

 

On the bright side, the house lost a little value this year according to the county assessor.  That'll be less money needed to buy Mike out (or for Mike to buy me out). 

 

It snowed today.  It was a heavy snow.  The gutter in front of the house is falling off. 

 

I can hear it creaking as I sit here typing.  This is a three story home.  I don't have a ladder big enough for me to get up there and nail it back on.  

 

It's weird.  I have to act like both a woman and a man.  At least, I'll find a way to get it done. 

Maybe single parenthood won't be so bad. 

Sigh....

 

I hate Beltane.  It's a sex/fertility festival.  You're not supposed to celebrate it alone. 

 

I'm not going to celebrate it at all. 

 

Well, maybe I'll give an offering to Dionysus. 

 

I wish I weren't alone. 

 

When the Gods sent a cutie to me, I was too dumb to know what to do with him. 

 

That's funny. 

 

At least I'm getting my weight under control.  I probably would have smashed him. 

It's weird how one's weight just falls off when she stops drinking a bottle of wine with an 8oz vodka chaser every night to numb the pain of being alone. 

I guess it's those little changes that make a world of difference.

I think I started to drink heavily when I ran for mayor.  I'd have all these little wins and have no one to share it with.  I wanted so much to have someone celebrate the little victories and accomplishments with me. 

There was no one. 

The first four years of celibacy were tolerable.  The last two have hurt me deeply.  I can't pinpoint the exact moment it started to hurt.  It's like it just gets worse with each passing day. 

As I type this, I realize that I'm starting to cry. 

Maybe it's not the celibacy that hurts me; it's really the lack of connection. 

There really isn't anyone I can relax and be completely open with for fear of sucking him into my ex's crap bucket.  I always fall in love with friends and I would never let a friend get sucked up in this drama. 

It is drama. 

I think I lost my friend over it.  I'm realizing that I've known him for two years.  Maybe it was his appearance in my life that made me want what is missing.   He literally offered me everything my heart desires

but I didn't want to hurt him. 

That was also when my ex started getting weird and incredibly controlling.  Yeah, I was so happy to find someone that clicked with me, I felt beautiful and joyful.  I think that triggered someone's anger.

 I honestly thought this would be over by now. 

I'll pray about it.  Maybe I should take my lawyer friend's advice and let the chips fall where they may.  I can't do this forever. 

It's so rare to find someone who makes you feel beautiful and understood.  I can't believe I let my friend go out of misguided empathy for a narcissist. 

A shrink told me that it is my empathy that keeps me trapped.  If I started acting like a narc, the games would stop. 

I don't know.  That is not my nature. 

Maybe I'm seeing things a little more clearly now. 

May you be warm and happy on this night. 
 

 

Blessed Beltane,  

 

S.