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Lacking Love Smarts


Today, I am thankful for being stupid in the realm of love. 

Today...

I had to run around as a hostess for a political party.  It wasn't supposed to be my job but I'm the only non-drinker volunteering.  I wasn't hungover.  

My skin looked like crap.  

I tried to smile throughout out the event with salt burns all over my face and a raging migraine.  

Crying gives me migraines.  Tears burn my skin.  

I looked so horrible that even the reporter took pity on me.  

Everyone knew what happened.  

Everyone knew I was upset.  

No one dared piss me off.  

I have a reputation. 

Apparently, my former friend (for lack of a better term) contacted other people and bitched at them after he un-friended me.  No one will tell me what he wrote.  I'm not sure what the heck he was going on about.  They assured me that they deleted his comments.  

I don't know what it was about.  I couldn't read any of it.  He contacted mutual friends and we have many friends in common.  I don't know how many people he upset yesterday.  

A couple of my friends are worried.  

There are theories floating around.  

Is he trying to get me to want him?  

Uh, no...

Is he trying to get me to call him?  

I don't know.  

I won't call him if he makes it clear that he doesn't want to communicate with me. 

Is he trying to feel better about leaving me by getting some of my male friends interested?  

There are two local guys I've been avoiding.  One just separated.  The other one is widowed.  

That is not counting the hot therapist two states over. 

If I wanted them....I'd work to be with them.  

They're not my type.  

I'm not in any hurry now to move on with my life.  There is no reason to push things.  I may as well stick around this hell hole until the lawyers and I get shit settled down enough that I won't need alimony.  

Why hurry getting the divorce finalized now?  I don't want to be anywhere.  

If this is what is out there...I don't want any of it! 

I'll stop pushing.  

I hate it when men go all drama king in public.  

Ooooh!!!  

So, basically, that drama says that I'm not with anyone.  I liked the ambiguity.  I didn't have to put up with men asking me out all the f'ing time.   As long as my divorce isn't final, it is a get out of jail free card for my male acquaintances.  They think they can have their fun and not have to worry about me wanting them to stick around.  

When the divorce is final, they'll leave me alone.  

Still....here is a word of advice.  

Men.....don't act like a crazy cat in public!!  Don't do that!  It's not doing a woman any favors.  Do not freak out mutual male friends.  If they're even the most slightly interested in taking a roll around the hay with her, they'll go for it thinking that they have nothing to lose!  

They'll justify trying to get her naked as offering comfort.  

Wouldn't it help your ego to be the bigger person?  Wouldn't it make you feel hot knowing that she couldn't replace you easily?  

Stop being stupid! 

Sigh... 

If he is testing me...
he failed the test!! 

I could care less if I pass or not! 

My ex has been giving me advice about men.    

He called my "friend" a fool and told me that he was behaving like a jealous a-hole.  He said that some guys will block women before displays of possessive jealousy to hide what they are actually saying from their lady loves.  I think this is straight from my ex's play book.  It seems familiar to me.  

My ex says that my former friend will contact me again.  

I can't figure out how to block him on Facebook.  He blocked me first.  I can't block him.  If he unblocks me, he can initiate contact.  I don't want him to have that privilege   I turned on follow a couple of days ago thinking it would keep Shannon and Doug from hacking my account if they could simply follow me. Someone followed me within an hour of my former friend's game.  So, I deleted that feature.  I only had the one follower who joined me last night; Facebook won't let me see that person's name.  I'm thinking it is someone that blocked me.  

I'm embarrassed.    
I'm hurt.  
I don't know what to do.  

I'm off to bed to formulate my own theories about what happened.  

He doesn't like being challenged.  He isn't living in reality.  He sees the world through conspiracy theories.   He expects people to be deferential and if they aren't, it is disrespectful.  His words don't match his actions.  His body language matches his words.  So, I would think he means what he says but is afraid of rejection.  

I don't know...I hate it when my education takes over my emotions.  I don't believe in conventional psychotherapy but it is really the only reference I have for things like this.  

This is one of those behaviors that sometimes result from childhood abuse that creates issues with trust.  Some boys are spoiled and it leads to mild narcissism.  Other times they can be severely neglected and overcompensate by becoming narcissistic.  Dumb narcissists, stay that way (case in point, my ex).  

Smart people with narcissistic tendencies realize the problem.  They quickly realize that the way they were treated as kids doesn't reflect the reality of the world.  In these cases, they hide away and become almost schizoid fearing further abuse.  

There is hope.  I don't put a lot of faith in conventional psychotherapy.  I'd try holistic psychotherapies.  Drugs won't work.

In fact, the more I think about it and the more I try to piece together his story, the more I realized he lied to me.  If he told the truth, one of his parents is a narcissist.  I don't want to go into too much detail.

His story has to do with a child being stolen from her father and given to the grandparents do to them sharing concerns with the school.

Now, if you know my name and can get to the WayBackMachine, run a check with my name circa 2001-2007.   I was the liaison for a group defending children against tyrannical public schools.  I was also fighting grandparents rights due to my narcissistic mother-in-law threatening to sue for custody; her threats are the reason we never officially divorced.  In our state, grandparents can only do that during a divorce action.

I know it is illegal for the school to have done what it did.  I know it is illegal for the school to even speak to the grandparents without the expressed consent of the father.  I know that the mother, by law, had to sign off of what happened or she can steal custody from the grandparents.  In our state, parents trump grandparents.

Either he's lying or he is incredibly stupid (which I doubt).   It could also be that he won't fight (if that were the case, it would be incredibly hard for me to respect him more than anyone else).

Usually, it is narcissistic and overly enmeshed grandparents who try to get custody without helping their adult children.

It could also be that he likes having his narcissistic parents raise his kiddo, which will cause trouble done the road.  If Grandpa is the narcissist, my friend will hate his future son-in-law.  If it is Grandma, I fear for the daughter's mental health.  Luckily, I have a friend who is the foremost authority on women raised by narcissists.  

In fact, this could simply be drugs.  He could be without a disorder but taking a drug that creates symptoms that reflect erratic behavior.  

I don't know.  

It's not my problem.  

I can't help.   

I'd rather be alone with my guitars.  

Guess what song I'm trying to learn?  

It's a Tom Petty classic... 

Yep...

Don't Come Around Here No More.  

A couple of my exes keep coming back.  

You know what?  

I frustrate the  hell out of them.  

They played little games, too.  

I never so much as held their hands since.  

I love 'em dearly.  I'd do almost anything for them.  I'll daydream about things that I'll never do unless they get me to drink a pint of root beer flavored vodka and not remember my name, our history, or anything about human customs and morals.  

My exes wouldn't let me to that for fear I'd bite it off.  

I'm an Irish lass....I'm a mean drunk.  

So....it ain't happening! 

I'd tell my friend to 'bite me' but I don't feel like extending the invitation.  

I'm confused and off to process my own theory.  

I thought there was another woman interested in him.  I thought they hooked up but some of the weird stuff he wrote would make me believe that they didn't.  

I'll get rid of my feelings somehow.  

Maybe I'll whip up a batch of Valerian Vodka, that's how I got over the last guy.  

The last guy got me over the guy before him; he was my rebound. 

The guy before him was my rebound from my high school sweetheart.  

I'm done rebounding.  That leads to trouble.  I had one six year rebound.  I had one twenty-year rebound.  

Enough!!!  

I'm better off alone.  

I am sooo happy that I never slept with him.

It just never felt right.

It pays to be a prude.

Love ya, 

S.  






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