The answer to that questions for me....is...obviously.....never.
Today I am thankful for twelve step programs.
They don't have one for my addiction. I guess it's a waning moon, I can just get some pepper, a bible and a black candle.
If there were a twelve step program, I would be he first to say the following:
My name is Siegfred and I am a narc addict.
I answered a forum post today to try to help someone feel better for putting up with a couple of manipulations. She was young. I'm old and should have known better. I also have a psych degree.
Fortunately, for this woman, she's smarter than I am.
I've been trying to divorce a guy with NPD for over six years. Every time I fill out the paperwork, I get hit with a power play.
- All of our money goes missing.
- He quits his job.
- He gets involved in a federal lawsuit and I have to stay until that's over.
- He files for bankruptcy and drags his feet on the paperwork forcing me to wait until its done to file because it's illegal to file for a state divorce during a federal legal case.
- He threatens to kill himself.
- He pretends that he's in therapy and asks me to stay until he's done (he quit early in the process and hung out at McDonalds an hour a week only to tell me about his imaginary therapist visit upon seeing me).
- His friends and family start stalking me and he asks me to stay here to be safe.
Like a dolt, I bought the excuses and stayed with him until the issue resolved and he found another reason to ask me to stay.
It's funny, another poster said that this could happen up to seven times! That was true for me! Wow....
Now, I'm still getting stalked by his relatives and the cops are urging me to get out. His latest power play is that he is going to get a gastric bypass and he wants me to take care of him while he recovers. NO! I'm out of here for good!
During this last separation, I became close to a guy that I met shortly after I found myself in the newspapers for some really crazy thing. This guy stuck to me like glue. He claimed he loved me. He claimed we had the same friends in social circles. When the articles dried up and my 15 minutes expired, he started to get distant. One day, I innocently corrected him on a tiny matter, he cut me off before proceeding to try to smear me to people who have known me for years. A couple of people challenged him (well...it was more like ridiculed him unmercifully) during the smear campaign. He has since disappeared without a trace.
It took me a couple of weeks to realize that I dodged a bullet.
I'm a narc magnet. A twelve step program or a year of solid therapy would probably do me a world of good!
You're not alone in falling for the lines but, unlike some of us, you have the sense to question the baloney and take care of yourself. Learn the lessons and get to know the nature of the beast, so you don't repeat the experience ever again. Vow that you will never lose everything you have to another narcissist again.
I'm done.
Today was nuts. I learned more about his role in the stalking. I caught him in a couple of lies.
He begged me to stay. I asked him to explain the stalking to me and he started to rage at me for several minutes. Our neighbors were having a picnic. I guess we provided the entertainment.
These neighbors were entertaining a politician I know. Oh, lord....I hope he doesn't realize who the neighbors are!
It was an interesting rage. It went on for ten minutes. He bellowed. He turned beet red. He shook his fists at me.
The diatribe started with
"I AM the Stalker....ugh!!!"
He made Hulk-like sounds.
It was weird.
Somewhere in the middle of his rant he said
"My family is stalking you.
They want what they want.
I want what they want.
I don't know what they want."
That was all I could understand. He did go on about his mother but I couldn't understand what that was about.
I did ask him about it and he said he never said those things that I wrote above. He did!
I did ask if he wanted his family to have what they wanted so they wouldn't mess with him anymore and he said "yes".
So, it would seem I have an explanation.
I learned more about him asking his cousin to stalk my high school sweetheart. It was in 2004, after he overheard me scream his name in the middle of the night. I had a nightmare that he had been killed in a car crash.
It was a re-occurring dream between 2004 and 2008. When I saw Tom alive and doing fine, the dreams stopped.
Rather than dream of Tom, I just started grinding my teeth and fainting. I had my first bout of vertigo on August 19, 2008 when Tom and I were trying to say good-bye after visiting with each other so I could return a piece of artwork that was giving my ex fits. A therapist buddy of mine said that vertigo was my subconscious mind's way of deciding whether I wanted to stand strong or let myself fall for my friend. I think that the vertigo was due to my guilt for still having feelings for a man that I hadn't seen in twenty-one years!
I ended up in the hospital over it. It was horrid! My life felt like one gigantic amusement ride.
Those dreams created a lot of drama. They shouldn't have.
I always thought that Tom was an internal representation of my Jungian animus. The man and I look so similar people think we are brother and sister. The dream probably meant that my personal power took a violent blow (due to the domestic abuse). My real middle name happens to be the same as Tom's real first name. I think my theory hit it on the head. When I dream of Tom, I'm dreaming of my personal power. When I dream that Tom has died, my personal power is dead.
It does not mean that I want to get funky with the guy who dodged a bullet with me. I love him, I'm not going to let him look upon my Medusa-esque self and turn to stone! He needs to be saved by a kind, beautiful, younger hottie!
But....the stalking is weird. Tom and I were stalked in a restaurant on January 11, 2011 between 1:00 and 2:15 p.m. My sister-in-law and her fiance sat three tables down from us. My ex called me at 2:15 to ask if I were okay because he had a feeling something bad had happened. Five minutes later, Doug started to harass me on the street after Tom drove away.
I know who was behind the stalking. I want answers.
The more I talk to my ex about this, the worse I feel.
I've got to stop trying to get closure. There is none.
I've got to stop trying to make sense of the nonsense. It won't work.
I'm in pain.
In a couple of days, I find out if he's ruined the money to the point I have to stay married a little longer.
Goddess, please help me get away.
Today was bizarre. When I figured out what was going on and explained it to my ex, he refused to answer me saying that we were getting a divorce.
When my adult daughter wanted me to take her shopping, I told her that I couldn't because I had to go the lawyer's office my ex looked at me funny.
When she left, he told me we were staying together.
About an hour ago, he threw two checks at me. One for $1,500 and another for $1,000, so I could pay for the initial filing fees and a portion of the retainer.
They are checks. That may or may not translate into funds. We'll see.
I'm certainly confused.
Wow....
Love ya,
S.
P.S. Truth be told, I really want to wake up tomorrow and believe that I'm wrong about both of these men. I want to believe that I misunderstood or mis-evaluated something. I want to believe that they are not the monsters that I'm making them out to be.
I want to believe it.
But I can't.
P.S.S.
Next Morning Edit: In thinking about this, I probably should have allowed myself to get close to the cutie who asked me what my needs were in an exclusive sexual partnership. He did this a public forum, mind you. In front of the divorce lawyers and the conservative politicians who are trying to help me get out of here without ending up on welfare.
The liberal politicians I know are telling me that spending three months on welfare should be the least of my worries. They worry that I'm going to get myself killed. Some of them really do have bleeding hearts; it's a shame their front men don't give a damn about anything more than enriching themselves.
Some idiots think that if I get remarried, I'll solve the problem.
No, I'll make it worse. I've never yet met a man who could make as much money as I can per hour. I just have to get away from the stalker because what I do is in the public eye.
This guy went so far as to announce to the world that he bared his soul to the woman he loves.
Oh...I was ill prepared for that.
Please don't talk about sex in front of the politicians; they'll use that against me! Worse, don't talk about having sex with politicians to get political favors in front of the politicians. It doesn't work like that.
This is how it works; you hire a hooker or ask a hot friend to get someone drunk and take incriminating photos. Then you barter the photos for favors. That won't work with me, I wear a chastity belt. I think the lock rusted shut.
If you're out drinking with a group of politicians, you don't let hookers take them anywhere! It's tough being a wing-woman but if you want your friends to stay in power, you have to keep the peace.
Seriously, though, his antics were a little awkward given that the relationship we had was mere friendship. In asking that, he obviously wanted more. He was trying to be romantic. His timing was just a wee bit off.
I should've expected it.
Well, I knew he fell in love with me because he did the watery eyes thing about eighteen months ago. Another guy asked why I chose my friend over him. I didn't but it looked that way.
The biggest giveaway was a discussion over the politics of marriage. When I said that I merely don't believe it it, he looked a little shocked and hurt.
Narcissists don't act like that. I guess I do manage attract some men who are not narcissistic.
I was wrong to even think that he could be a narcissist. He's in pain. I can feel it. He's living my worst nightmare and I wish he'd let me comfort him.
He won't...so....
He is acting a little weird of late. I'm hoping it is because he found a new hottie.
If I never hear from him again, I'll assume it went extremely well.
I get the feeling it is because he's embarrassed. This, too, shall pass.
Love ya,
S.