Opportunities

Today I am thankful for opportunity. 

Long story short, I have had no money since my ex started acting weird.  I gave up my business when I was stalked.  He wanted me to stay married to him until he found a job, all the while promising we'd get divorced once he hired.  

A little over four years later, he found a job.  Our assets were hidden.  I've been broke ever since.  Once in a while, someone will ask me to do a voice-over and I'll get some spending cash.  It's not quite enough to live on but it helps.  

The past 18 months, I've stayed trying to fix our legal issues.  That cleared up in early April.  A small sum of money the government was holding was released two weeks ago.  I've been told to use that for legal fees. 

So...that is what I am planning to do.  My aim is to get a job first.  Last month, our legislature passed a crazy series of alimony bills.  That man will be pissed at me if he ends up living on a paltry sum every month.  I fear he'll kill me or the kids.

Things are looking up.  

A job coach offered me a two hour session tomorrow.  I'll let you know what comes of it.  

A group of activists offered me a free gun training class in exchange for my volunteer work.  

A group of psychotherapists asked if I would volunteer at one of their conventions in exchange for free classes to keep up my certifications.  I had to decline because it is out of the city and I have no clue what this guy may or may not do should I leave.  

There are many people out there who are darn good to me.  

I'm lucky.  

My ex and I cannot possibly cohabit any more.  He wants me to stay with him to keep up appearances but I just learned he quit therapy a while back and didn't tell me.  I guess that explains the food spitting, the rage attacks, and the blame sessions.   It frustrates me to no end that he'll actually pretend to be at therapy and I end up making his dinner late on those days.  

I shouldn't be doing his laundry.  I shouldn't be cooking for him.  I really shouldn't give a damn any more. 

Wow....  

The irony of this is that if Shannon had not stalked me out of my post-graduate degree and my job, I'd be paying her brother alimony.  

I'm getting a clearer picture of what is going on.  Maybe I'll put the details out there so other people will know what to look for with narcissistic spouses from enmeshed families.   It's a little sordid.   There is far too much drama.  

I may have to get a temporary restraining order against Shannon, Doug, and Mike's mother, too.  I guess I need to do that to keep the in-laws from suing for visitation.  I have enough evidence, they've given me plenty of video footage and abusive phone messages over the years.  I just think TROs are usually not worth the hassle of getting a piece of paper that is not going to be enforced.  

A pissed off narcissist is usually a violent one.  Nothing pisses off a narcissist more than being held accountable for his or her behavior.  A restraining order can be a death sentence for a stalking survivor.  

I don't know.  I think it's going to get weirder before it gets better.  

I won't miss my ex calling his momma on Valentine's Day, or telling her about my medical issues.  I won't miss the GPS boxes, the hang up calls, or the malicious gossip being spread around to anyone who gives a damn.  

I miss hugs.  I miss hand holding.  I miss flirting.  I miss the taste of [a Chinese word that means 'with'].

I'm frustrated.  

I think I frustrated my friend.  He wrote something about women being worthless.  It's his loss.  

He says mean things when he's hurting.  If he meant it, I do know a couple of hot gay men who would be appreciative that my friend campaigned for marriage equality...if he wants to swing that way.  It wasn't so much that he campaigned for marriage equality, he just thinks the government out to keep its nose out of interpersonal relationship contracts.  Marriage equality is the first step in that kind of reform. 

I don't think he meant that women were worthless.

I certainly don't think he's gay.  He's cute enough to be gay.  He's clean enough to be gay.  He has good taste in clothes.  Hmmmm...No.  He likes looking at women.  

Okay...okay...I know my friend is hurt.  He's waited a long time; it was 20 months ago I saw him look at me like an overjoyed puppy.  It was four months ago, he bared his soul to me.  I went through my online accounts the other day.  Over the past two years, my friend has left me many suggestive messages that I had never seen before.  I guess I need to read my messages once in a while.

I didn't think anyone wanted to have an unregistered house party with me.  Yep, a local city passed an ordinance that required all parties be registered with the government.  I wanted to rent a house and play wholesome music from the fifties (e.g. Pat Boone, Perry Como, Rosemary Clooney, etc.) and eat cheese and crackers while awaiting arrest so that I had something to discuss with my reporter buddies.

He was the only person willing to play.

I didn't know that until today.

That was two years ago!!!

Knowing what I know about my friend now, I think I should've have planned to bring some R&B and something to cover the smell of medicinal herbs.    

Sigh....

Words are unnecessary.  His eyes say it all.  His skin glows when his heart rate increases.  That's how a woman knows.  That is how I knew.  

When I hadn't seen him for awhile and he was still glowing, I just thought he found someone else.  

I guess I was wrong.  

I also notice that when he realizes that the ex thing isn't in the past, he can't get away from me soon enough.

He runs off.

I don't blame him.  I fear talking to him about it.  As much as he claims to be a rebel, he's not.  As much as he claims NOT to be influence by our cultural mores, he's very traditional.   

He wants to save women.  I don't need that.  He wants intimacy. I seriously don't know if I should risk creating the kind of intimacy that will get us into trouble until I get out of this house or my ex moves out. 

I need a line.  What is the demarcation point of no return?  Is it the day we sign papers?  Is it the day one of us leaves (hmmmm....that was 1999, 2002, 2009, and 2011)?  Is it the day we plan to divorce and stop sleeping together at all (2008)? 

Who decides that line?  I guess it is me.  Given that I've been told one day that my ex and I are divorcing and then told he'll kill himself the day I leave the next, one of us is going to have to move before I believe it now.     

I will not drag my friend into this mess.  

Besides, I'm sure there are hot, bangable women available to him now.  I'm not going to do something stupid that's going to get me killed, him stalked, or some other crazy crap without a back-up plan.

Maybe it's not meant to be.   Maybe the delays are happening for a darn good reason.

I don't know.  I have faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to be.  Maybe there is a reason that I missed the opportunity to be with my friend.

I'm not sure we've gotten to the point where he realizes the INFJ/INTP conundrum.  There is only one big issue in these relationships that leads to breakdown.  It happens early on at the point when the male INTP realizes that he has mistaken his idealist crush for a rational thinker.

I can follow his theories, they just take awhile to digest because I'm looking for all the possible applications of those theories.  That takes time. He's rational; he's all about facts and truth.  I'm an idealist; I want to know the best application for those theories in relation to people.

Oh, and this difference of thinking does create other related issues.  He likes issues settled.  I like to find the best possible outcome, so it takes me awhile to get there, too.  He's trying to close the crap, I'm trying to open it up to look for possibilities.

If that is the only fight I get into with a guy, it sounds like heaven to me!

As far as closing this separation, the cops, the lawyers, the politicians, and even my therapy colleagues are telling me to get the divorce going now.  It's time.  Things are getting dangerous.  

If this isn't handled soon, I'd be surprised.  

When this is over, I'm going to want peace and quiet.  

Seriously, the first man to take me somewhere quiet and let me enjoy silence for a couple of hours....he's getting something special.  

If I've learned anything from this hell hole, it is to appreciate silence.  

From this point forward, the only drama I want to see will be in the theatre.

Oh....

and yes,

I have had a lot of opportunities handed to me.

Sadly, I think I blew the most important one.

That's my loss.

Love ya, 

S.